You’re Going Straight To Mail


Well howdy there flushers. Today we’re gonna try something new and if you don’t like it you can go straight to mail hell. You can go to hell.

It’s Friday and if you’re anything like me, you’re exhausted and desperate for a beer and a nap. I thought it would be a fun idea to ask some of our friends what questions were on their minds and have the dummies that write for this site try to answer them. Do you want to ask these dummies a question? Send it in an email to with the subject line “Question”. Let’s get to it.


How do I find a girlfriend that likes the music I do without being that weird guy who hits on women at shows? – Tyler

Masterlord SteelDragon – Look, let’s be realistic. Finding a decent human being who listens to metal is like winning the lottery. Look around; we are all awful, awful people. Make it a girl and your odds are like winning the lottery while being struck by lightning twice. Trying to pick up chicks at metal shows rarely yields results. Here’s why. Most of the time they’re with their boyfriends or husbands and/or (usually and) they’re totally gross. Plus, you come off as a cock. A more pragmatic solution: find a girl you connect with who doesn’t mind that you listen to metal, and maybe you’ll eventually rub off on her (hehehe). If not, that’s okay! She likes you anyway.

Stockhausen – Oh, this one is super easy. Next time you’re at a show, simply go up to a girl and get, like, RIGHT next to her. The sweatier you are, the better. Lean in her ear and yell (because shows are loud) “DID YOU SAY YOU WANT TO CROWD SURF?” Girls will invariably say no, and then you yell “DID YOU SAY GO? OK.” Then start trying to lift her up. You should have your shirt off at this point, because it’s a show and you’ve been in the pit. She’ll freak out, but then you explain the misunderstanding while flexing, and then everyone has a good laugh, and then you’ll be dating all hardcore.


How can I get my cat to stop shedding so much? – Bethany

Edward Meehan – I’m catsitting a cat for a family friend with the option to keep him. Love the little guy, except he’s pulling up my berber carpet. I cut his nails frequently, we’ve tried capping his claws with those little plastic caps, nothing is helping. When I catch him doing it I chase him all over my condo and squirt his face with water. He hates it! I give him three or four good squirts with water. It isn’t helping. He has a scratching post here that he completely ignores, little dude just figures the whole place is his scratching post. Can any of you guys tell me how to get him to stop pulling up my carpet? Pls respond, lms if you love your cat.
Christian Molenaar – Regularly brushing and bathing your feline friend will work wonders to remove excess fur. Additionally, look for a cat food high in Omega-3 and Omega-6 fatty acids, which are good for the skin. Fish oil is a good source, and if you’re a human who wants clearer skin and stronger teeth, hair and nails, you, too, can pick up fish oil capsules at Rite-Aid or whatever. If none of these work, take your cat to the vet, and if it turns out the shedding is not a symptom of illness, screw it; just shave him.


Why do people insist on leaving stickers and price tags on their hats? – Eddie

Paris Hilton – People keep the stickers and tags on their hats for the opposite reason that you remove the price sticker from a Christmas gift that you bought for your girlfriend on December 24th at a 7/11. They want everyone within their sight to know how much they spent on their hats. People like to show off signs of wealth, even if they aren’t accurate to their bank statements. It’s a foolish and petty practice, much like those entitled, rich, white suburb kids that get chrome, dual exhaust, lift kits, and racks for their trucks in the city. The only thing they are accomplishing is saying, “Look at how much money I can spend on my vehicle.” The same concept applies, the only difference is leaving the stickers on hats is slightly less obnoxious.

MoshOff – I think it’s really obvious: Obama contaminated the water supply with a drug specifically created to make hat wearers want to leave the tags and stickers on. The stickers are really transceivers that allow the NSA to read their minds and send all relevant information to the Illuminati. The Illuminati then read through the information in order to find ways to implant the need to buy more hats in these hat wearers, keeping the brouroboros of capitalism capitalism rolling for ever.


What is the best place in the US to live and why? (I’m interested in taking USMLE exams in a near future) – Renan

Steve Smithwick – The glory of New England is self-evident. The New England region is responsible for the very existence of the United States- defeating the British on multiple occasions, not to mention the ungrateful upstart wretches that comprised the Confederacy. No region of the U.S. has a more rich and diverse history or culture. With regards to metal, no place in this country is more metal than New England. New England is a major concert destination, with cities like Worcester, Boston, Providence and Hartford being routine stops for most bands. The weather is even more metal- nothing is more menacing or bleak than a cold, cloudy, snowy New England winter’s day. The sun sets as early as 4:00 P.M. at daylight’s nadir. Your bones and joints will ache. The elements are no different than those found in Scandinavia, oft recognized as the heart of the metal world. Something about a desolate cold, experienced 6 months at a time will harden your soul. New England is not for lifelovers. New England is for survivors.
Besides, the rest of the U.S. blows. The west coast and Hawaii, while moderately attractive areas, are prohibitively expensive. Alaska is basically Canada West with fewer people and less culture. The South has many of the worst-rated schools at the state level in the country, remaining ever the den of vile iniquity. New York is blighted by the NYPD. Washington DC houses Congress. Do you really want to go to any of these places? Nah. Prove your toughness. Drink mead fireside, tell old man winter to kiss your ass and head NorthEast. Your life will improve for it. (did you notice which large region of the U.S. I didn’t bother to criticize or even name? Good. I treated it with all the consideration it deserves 😉 )

Joe Thrashnkill – Fuck Steve.

Edward Meehan:


Can you find the center of the radius of this circle and sketch its graph? (x-3)^2 + y^2 = 16. – Tyler

Joe Thrashnkill – No.

Christian Molenaar – I’m assuming you mean “find the center and the radius of the circle,” which are (3, 0) and 4, respectively. As far as a graph:


Math is the absolute antithesis of lifeloving.


Why does a person listen to metal? To the untrained ear, it’s ugly and abrasive. there’s gotta be a reason we all got into it. A reason why we continue to listen to this music that people generally don’t understand, that’s not generally accepted in society. – Dustin

Paris Hilton – If you’re anything like me, you started listening to metal between the ages of 13-15. I started as many of you did; with Slayer, Metallica and Megadeth and then it gradually got heavier. The first Death Metal tune I listed to was “Where The Slime Lives” (the drumming in that song though!) and I was hooked! In my area, everyone listens to buttfucking Top 40 Country Music, and I wanted my own identity, something to separate myself. Many teenagers are the same way, seeking a new identify from their parents. It’s natural, your children will do the exact same thing. I wasn’t a loser then, believe it or not I was the class clown! But I always was sort of a loner that jumped from clique to clique, and metal helped me form connections with people that others wouldn’t have given the time of day to. My journey into metal was also fueled by being an awkward teenager and an elite athlete simultaneously. While my class mates were partying, drinking, and having sex I was cutting weight, training, lifting, eating, and sleeping; that’s still my life today, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Metal seemed like the only genre of music that was intense enough to match my lifestyle.

Stockhausen – Oh, this one is super easy. A long time ago, when wizards were still around, there was this wizard named DioMar Schuldinath. He was mixing together some wizard things and stirring them with a wizard stick, but he put too much of one wizard thing in there. Long story short, it spilled on him and he started hitting ancient wizard drums faster when other wizards were hitting them slower. He got kicked out of the wizard town for it, but this one super hot lady followed him because she secretly liked the faster wizard drum thing. They got it on, and we are all their descendants.


How do you explain you listen to metal to non-metal listeners? – Jordan

Howard Dean – With irrational violence.


If you could change one thing about you (be it a personality trait, a behavior, appearence, whatever) what would it be? – Tom

Guacamole Jim – I would change every single hair on my body to be made of grass, from the longest pube to the shortest microscopic strand. Thick, lovely, green grass. That way when my enemies come for me I could just run outside, throw myself on the lawn, and never be seen.

Joe Thrashnkill – I would be born to fabulously wealthy parents. Barring that, I would be born preternaturally gifted at baseball.

Christian Molenaar – Everything.



Dear Black Metal Bro,
How do you reconcile the demands of both nature/ frostbitten pagan glory and coal rolling ’til the day you die, toss me a Natty Light bro? – Josh

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  • If you want to have a silly question published, shoot me an email at Nothing is off limits. Mostly.

  • “The west coast and Hawaii, while moderately attractive areas, are prohibitively expensive.”
    Maybe if you make the pathetic salary of someone who lives in New England, lol.

    • Howard Dean

      In many parts, New England is also prohibitively expensive. And the job market is fucking brutal.

      • W.

        The job market and economy here in Texas are flourishing!

        • And wages are stagnant as all hell!

          • Although this may just be an Austin thing. This place is riddled with dirty Californians ruining everything.

          • W.

            Dude, West Texas is booming! Midland is the fastest growing economy in the US.

        • Howard Dean

          Jobs are certainly not evenly distributed throughout the six diminutive states that comprise New England. States like Vermont are almost completely anti-business, and are essentially welfare states. Though there are solid jobs, it can take a long time and great effort to land one. New England has an insanely high concentration of well/overly educated people, and a dearth of appropriate employment for those people.

          • See also: Boston Area and most of Connecticut.

          • Howard Dean

            Yeah, New England as a whole is tough. With the absence of the massive industries that once flourished in the region (textiles, manufacturing, etc), coupled with the higher education boom of the 90’s-00’s, the job hunt can be excruciating. I met more grads doing random ass shit for jobs the past few years (I was one of them for awhile).

          • but the foliage!!!

          • Preach

          • Howard Dean


            “Everything except God has in itself some measure of privation, thus all individuals may be graded according to the degree to which they are infected with mere potentiality.”

            Oh, and “San Dimas High School football rules!”

          • Steve Smithwick

            Trust me when I say that that’s taking place nationwide. I have a buddy that’s particularly gifted when it comes to architectural design. But because of a combination of reduced growth in the construction industry and the general state of jobs nationwide, he spent several years post-grad just desperately sending resumes fucking everywhere and doing the best he could part-time in between (this was in North Florida.)

            He did eventually get a couple of job offers last year, so it has a happy ending. But it was, man, 3-5 years of scrounging (it was so long that I can’t even place exactly how long it was. I think it was 5, but I’m not all the way sure.) It’s anecdotal, but many of my peeps have had big problems post-grad with finding acceptable work.

          • W.

            Architecture is an extremely exclusive and difficult field to breach anyway.

          • That’s what my gf is going to school for, haha.

          • W.

            I wish her the best of luck. One of my good friends with an architecture degree is now a Costco drone. You can get a great job, but in the field, but you have to really, really distinguish yourself.

          • KU has one of the highest rated architecture schools in the country (I believe it’s actually #1, but don’t quote me on that) and her dad is well connected, so hopefully it won’t be a problem.

          • W.

            That’s a fantastic resource. Sadly, in the current job market, connections often trump everything else.

            Edit: I don’t mean sadly in her case. Just saying in general, the connections can give you an advantage.

          • I realized that was the painful truth once I graduated college and the rich kids with terrible skills and connected parents got jobs but I didn’t.

          • W.

            It happens. Sometime in the next few years I’m going to be competing for a faculty position somewhere, so I’m trying to ramp up my networking right now.

          • Steve Smithwick

            The connections are flat-out more important than your qualifications. Full-stop. Hell, my own employment is indicative of this.

          • W.

            Out of curiosity, is her schedule uber grueling? I’ve known several architecture students here who barely had social lives (or sleep for that matter) because of how much they had to work.

          • Meh, they like to act like it is, but it’s really not that bad. I had many more sleepless nights than she has and I was in school for Graphic Design/Illustration.

          • Howard Dean

            Shit is rough out there.

        • So is the Ebola

          • Does anyone else think of the movie osmosis Jones when people talk about Ebola?

          • No one thinks of the movie Osmosis Jones. Not even Chris Rock

          • A daily viewing is necessary to keep oneself from going full lifelover.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I just think of Ebola Syndrome. “You can’t bully me! Ebola! Ebola!!!” as Anthony Wong runs around spitting at cops while on fire.

          • crazytaco_12

            I’m headed to Austin later this month, I flipped shit when I saw the dude headed there and took my same fucking airline. Guess I’m gonna have to break out the rubber gloves and face masks when I’m flying.

          • I think you should be fine. Unlike Africa, we have the infrastructure and resources to contain it.

          • crazytaco_12

            So you’re saying I can lick everything on the plane?

          • Yea sure why not? What’s the worst that could happen……….

        • Renan Ribeiro

          I’ve actually considered Texas from hearing that taxes are low and BBQ is plenty

    • maybe if you’re a thug or a burnout dropout or something. My W2 has been six figures since I began my serious working career a decade ago

    • Steve Smithwick

      You should see bible belt wages!

      If the south didn’t have the cheapest gas in the country, nobody would roll coal ever again.

      • W.
        • energy commodities seem to be what drives a lot of these huh?

          • W.

            Basically. West Texas is in an energy boom. They just found a massive natural gas reserve under Lubbock, and the wind farms around us are growing. We also are one of the largest providers of cotton. Cost of living here is dirt cheap.

          • Steve Smithwick

            Almost exclusively. Actually, a companion to that link is the article that follows it on the next page; the fastest shrinking economies in the U.S. Most of ’em are Southern areas where populations are leaving (possibly to pursue West Texas oil opportunities?), growth is nonexistent, and prospects are bleak. See: Shreveport, Lafayette, Steubenville, Charlottesville.

            The growth in west Texas is similar to the growth in North Dakota; it’s driven primarily by the energy industry, and the growth can be traced to weakened environmental initiatives and improved energy-harvesting technologies. Service industries also see a jump based on the population booms and high-income jobs that accompany that spark.


          • W.

            Correct! I’m a fan of the wind farms, but the oil industry is almost assuredly going to bust and cause copious problems.

          • David Vincent’s Leather Shirt

            Plus wind farms are pretty metal, on account of all the birds hitting them and stuff.

          • W.

            I should probably also chime in that our water reserves are running out. If what i heard is correct, Texas is working on desalination technology to filter briny groundwater as a transitional step from full-on desalination of sea water.

          • Steve Smithwick

            It has to happen. I mean, for the human race to really remain on this planet, we eventually need to be able to do that efficiently on a large scale. Pollution/receding depth in our fresh-water supplies, etc.

            They do a lot of that work in FL as well, IIRC.

          • W.

            I’ve been to a few cities in the Middle East, and since their cities are largely either on the coast or out in the desert, many of them have adopted desalination. Just like any technology, the more places in the US that adopt and use it, the more the cost will go down and the technology will improve. Economies of scale and all that.

          • Gurp

            I actually heard Qatar was trying to implement large scale desalinization and solar panel usage to support their population.

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    Brouroboros is the best thing. The only thing.

    • I lost my shit when I read that.

      • Good thing u were on the toilet then!

      • Cock ov Steele

        I lost mine trying to pronounce it.

    • MoshOff

      Thank you, it was a random thought but it worked haha.


    • Steve Smithwick

      New Englander though I may be, I also hate Tom Brady and the Patriots.

      • well I don’t really know what else to insult from that stupid region.

        • Easy, the people!

          • Idk man, puerile in Illinois aren’t much better

          • Dat auto correct tho…

          • W.

            I was about to be impressed with your vocabulary.

          • Steve Smithwick


          • Ha ha, hocker

      • here here.

    • go home team! visitors suck!

    • Scrimm



  • Tyree

    How do you explain you listen to metal to non-metal listeners? – Jordan

    Howard Dean – With irrational violence.

    Hahahaha. Fucking spot on!

    • Powerviolence

    • Howard Dean

      Nothing sets a lifelover straight like a good throat punch.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • Howard Dean

    Speaking of live footage more brutal than the material on the album:

    • Gurp

      It’s awesome that whoever made the decisions for Mountains of Death decided to just put all that concert footage up on YouTube for free.

  • Stockhausen

    Who wants to answer that last question?

    • Yes

    • easy


        man, we have to go easier on women, most of us aren’t that great prizes ourselves. Nothing wrong with a heavier girl, pretty face and a pussy, Conan makes no size distinction when walking into a tavern with a thirst.



    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      It’s simple, we kill the batman

      • If it’s so simple, why haven’t you done it?

      • Cock ov Steele

        Unless we can kvlt the batman.

  • Ignatius the Wizened

    For bribes does the ferryman soothe those souls wrought in guilt, the debased wallowing in their sick; the sulfur-bound trail their viscera in streaks of shame, swamped in gore, mocked by the ascendants, holy in their Light.

  • JWG

    As a resident of the Pacific Northwest, I feel it is necessary point out that the perceived Cost Of Living is a very minor reason to *not* live here compared to all the great reasons to do so; not the least of which is the vibrancy and constant growth of the lower-mainland British Columbian heavy music scene and its offshoot on Vancouver Island.

    Add to that Vancouver being the source of a large part of the Canadian film and television industry (Toronto will claim otherwise: they’re wrong, even if they have numbers that say otherwise). Though I can’t speak too much for Seattle and area versus the American film industry. Still…

    Add being from where the Soska twins and Tristan Risk hail.

    Also: the number of ladies at metal shows is higher than anywhere else I’ve been, so that other guy would have a higher potential of finding that right kind of girl. Granted, they’re there for the show so you’ll get no better response if you try to interfere with their enjoyment than you would anywhere else. But you’ve still got a better shot of meeting and bonding before/after shows. Especially with groups that foster metal ‘social’ gatherings like:

    • crazytaco_12

      Hell yeah bud, I live up in northern Washington. It’s bullshit, I think you can live in the PNW at a low cost of living if you stay away from the big cities. I’d also rather live in a place where weed and gay marriage are legal. By the way, with you mentioning the Soska sisters, have you seen “American Mary”, and if so, what did you think?

      • JWG

        I was actually just planning on following through on that this weekend. I didn’t have Netflix until very recently and the only video store in town that *ever* had a decent (i.e. not hollywood-driven) horror collection closed five years ago so I’ve missed out. It’s something I need to fill in, and was planning on doing so this weekend.

        I started by digging around for their early short films. Early being 2009.

        Their stars certainly have risen very quickly, but from what I’ve seen so far it has been well deserved, if admittedly their style is kind of singular and not ‘for everyone’ (even among the narrower population subset of just horror fans).

        • crazytaco_12

          Word man, well I hope it’s good. I’m definitely sold on checking it out so I may have to buy it or something, but I hated “Dead Hooker in a Trunk” so hopefully it pulls through. Just heard to many good things about AM to pass it by.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I really like how Edward didn’t even answer his question, he just asked a different and much longer one.

    • Avoiding the question >>>>>>>>>>>>>

    • I got more answers about cat care than I would have ever expected.

  • Tyree

    Stockhausen, you really know how to pick up ladies. Your method is flawless sir.

    • Guacamole Jim

      I actually tried his technique at work as a trial run, and I’ve totally got a girlfriend now. The only problem is to be shirtless in Canada right now means my nipples are like rocks at the north pole.

      • Tyree

        People crowd surf where you work!? Sounds like an exciting job, are you a bouncer?

        • Guacamole Jim

          No, it’s in an office. And they didn’t crowdsurf before 10 minutes ago, but I think it’s catching on.

          • Tyree

            Damn, I want to work where you do. Plus, I can use Stockhausen’s super not bro method ov picking up ladies.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Dude, come up to the sunny beaches of Canada, where it’s always spring break!


          • Tyree

            I’m on my way. See you in 10 hours or so. I’ll bring my speedo and some rum and beer.

          • Guacamole Jim
          • Tyree


          • Renan Ribeiro

            Can I come? I’ll bring my piece and we can play/shoot stuff!


          • Guacamole Jim

            This is getting me hot and bothered.


          • JWG

            One of the greatest of very short lived programs, but being that it was a Canadian co-production that lack of longevity makes sense. We don’t commit well to things that aren’t phenomenal hits.

            …ending on a total cliffhanger has annoyed me for well over a decade now. I still want closure.

          • will you go to the prom with me…. JCL

          • Guacamole Jim

            Foah suppah, I-er-ah-WANT AH PAHTY PLATTAH!

          • Plot twist, he works at the MS mansion

          • Tyree

            Non sense poopy pants!

          • Guacamole Jim


          • interrogation room!

    • better or worse than George Clarke?

  • Guppusmaximus
  • “Dear Black Metal Bro,How do you reconcile the demands of both nature/ frostbitten pagan glory and coal rolling ’til the day you die, toss me a Natty Light bro? – Josh”

    Bro, as a frat member in college and a die hard fan of metal, I got this one.

    So like, with nature, you gotta remember that your natty light COMES from nature. Like, hops and stuff, you know? And like, nature is cool, because have you ever been to the Kentucky Derby? I mean that’s like, total nature with horses and shit bro! and grass, and then all the sorostitues can wear their hot sundresses and oversized hats/sunglasses while we pound a few ladies/natty lights, you feel me bro!?

    So like, that’s why nature is great bro. As for coal rolling, bro, you don’t think nature can take care of itself? Like, have you ever seen a hurricane! I mean, dudeeeee… Nothing we do can hurt nature, so like, coal rolling isn’t even a big deal, whatever, haha right? Liberals are just mad because like, they think all smoke is pollution or whatever, but they just want more money for their big government and everything, and you know we’d rather put that money towards frat dues so we can throw better parties, am i right or what? haha yeah!

    • I’m pretty sure this was the central concept of BDubs Bro Part 3.

    • Is “sorostitutes” a word people actually use?? It’s not even wordplay.

      • W.

        Yah, i hear it all the time here on campus.

        • You two make me glad I don’t go to real school.

          • W.

            If it makes you feel better, a Greek Life Task Force just got formed because the frats here are super douchey.

          • David Vincent’s Leather Shirt

            “We got a 6-10 at the pi alpha nu house, senior bro unable to perform keg stand may require assistance, advise bringing emergency sorostitutes. Brover.”

            “Brobase this is David Browie, call received on our way bro. brover and out”

          • The college I attended has sexual assault cases within their greek life on a near weekly basis. One frat actually got criminal charges pressed because they had a caged turkey at their house for a thanksgiving party, and someone let it loose. At which point every bro in the house decided physically abusing the animal was a good choice. I fucking loved my school.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I hope it pecked some peckers off.

          • W.
          • David Vincent’s Leather Shirt

            There’s probably an urban dictionary definition for that.

          • Paris Hilton

            I wish I could have joined a fraternity in school so that I could be immediately kicked out for “being a scrawny nerd who doesn’t get drunk off of Bud Light, takes his shirt off, puts neon shades on indoors, then talks to sorority girls about rap music.” My dream will never be fulfilled.

          • The Satan Ov Hell

            you forgot the parts about them having obnoxious parties where they assume it’s fine to drug and fuck women. WHAAAAT A WONDERFUUUL WOOOOORLD!

          • Guacamole Jim

            I see trees of green….

      • I’ve heard it 1098123019823 times in my life. An estimate.

        • J.R.

          That is 1,517,997.23 times the amount of things Stockhausen currently knows, in case you were wondering.

      • Sorority girls even sometimes proudly refer to themselves as sorostitutes

        • So is that like an extra slutty sorority chick or something?

        • Renan Ribeiro

          Can’t help to think “soropositivo” when I read sorostitutes – that’s a portuguese term for HIV+

      • Steve Smithwick

        Oh yeah, man. Conservative-leaning types reaaaaaally hate George Soros.

        Easy to understand why- he’s pretty fuckin’ liberal. But he does a lot of free-market conservative shit too, like when he helped to trigger the UK banking crash in 1992 by short selling a fuck-ton of his investment property in British pounds. He made over $1,000,000,000 for doing it, but helped a lot of people lose their jobs by triggering a crash.

        He also helped transition the nation of Hungary from Communism to Capitalism. He’s basically Mitt Romney, but with liberal positions on social issues.

        • This was kinda… out of nowhere.

          • W.

            I’m just assuming it was an exceedingly clever response.

          • Steve Smithwick

            I have to make all the news media I read pay off in some manner. If that means long-winded, random explanations of things in a very literal fashion, so be it!

          • I’d never heard that before. In this context, it was def referring to ladies in sororities tho.

          • Steve Smithwick

            Huh. I’ve actually legitimately never heard of the ‘sorority + prostitutes = Sorostitutes’ mashup before, though I can certainly see why it exists.

            Never spent time around frats in school, but I’ve spent far too much time on news sites. ‘Spose that’s why I was confused. Thanks for the clarification!

        • crazytaco_12
        • huh. i just thought it was a combinaysh of sorority and prostitute.

          • Steve Smithwick

            Nope. Read The Daily Caller (or, vice versa, read troll postings on sites like Media Matters) and you’ll see ample usage of ‘Sorostitute’ being a negative term for a liberal.

          • I have actually never heard that, good to know!

    • Stockhausen

      Somewhere out there, this mystery person named Josh is extremely, extremely satisfied with this answer.

  • Xan

    I am proud to be the descendant of the fast drumming wizard.

    • Stockhausen

      We remember him and all his wizard glory.

  • Xan

    For our lord and saviour: CROM!

    • he stayed up all night… it might be a while before we are graced with his presence…

      • Xan

        Time is but a human artifact. CROM pays no heed to it. He shall come simply when he comes.



  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I once attempted to explain black metal and its appeal to a stranger at the pub. I forget the context (boozes had endrunkened me) but I do remember talking about being pursued by wolves across a windswept midwinter mountainside. The guy appeared to be fascinated, and said that he was going to write a song about me. And I never saw him again…

    • That’s a pretty apt description of BM. Also, I’m gonna start using “endrunkened.”

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Its a pretty cromulent word.



    • Death


      • What’s up, HITLER.

        • Death

          Hitler was not nordic! Don’t spew your propaganda on me! Hitler thought that Finns are dirty slavic people.

        • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

          I was reading recently about how Hitler was actually an agent for the British Secret Service. I love the internet.

  • Beunhaas


    • *SIGH* I literally spent 2 hours in a meeting today discussing building online quizzes.

      • I swear to god the next facebook friend that posts a fucking “what GoT character are you?” quiz is going to be disemboweled and dragged behind a car through town to make an example of them.

      • JWG

        I don’t even like forcing *academic* quizzes into an online format.

        When my School asked me why I don’t assign quizzes to get quick marks recorded, I was quite direct: what exactly do they prove about students learning OR my ability to teach them?

        Yeah, they know the answers. But do they know *why* they’re the answers? Where’s the part that proves that? Not in a quiz…

        • …who teaches the teachers?

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse


    • one million upvotes!

  • Don’t ever move to Kansas. We’re still dealing with the recession/low job creation and our governor just doesn’t give a single fuck about anything but making money from cable and energy companies. His slogan for re-election is “The sun is shining in Kansas and don’t let anybody tell you any different,” which is far from the reality of our state government getting sued for criminally under funding our education system. Fun stuff!

    • David Vincent’s Leather Shirt

      The times I’ve visited Kansas to see my relatives I wasn’t so inclined to move there. Kind of an “eh” place. Also the 10 year old in me read “blow job creation” at first. And if that’s the case then maybe I might consider moving to Kansas.

    • But they will cover $15,000 in Student Loan Repayment if I move to one of their “Rural Opportunity Zones”

      • The Med school that’s part of the college I went to is very picky with who they accept, and apparently if you just lie to them and say you want to be a doctor in a rural town, you’re like 75% more likely to get in, haha.


          Do they hold you to that if you say it ? , in canada i have heard of a few doctors being shipped off to the siberia like regions of the north west territories.

    • Also tornadoes!

  • If anyone was wondering, this is what was going through my mind when putting this together.

    • Renan Ribeiro

      The tempo change around the 2 minute mark is my shit

    • crazytaco_12

      The rest of this album is such garbage hahaha

  • Renan Ribeiro

    The final result was even better than that huge thread on RHRC

    Thanks for the answers – I’ve actually experienced the New England winter twice on the period I lived in Providence, plus Hurricane Sandy (which didn’t hit hard at all on College Hill).

    Miami would probably be the quickest adaptation since it’s considered by many Brazilians as the Brazilian city that worked out, lol.

  • Captain Shit Spotter

    Kitty cats often shed eccessively if stressed.

    You gotta chill that pussy out.

    • oh hai, i met you earlier today discussing bassists.

      • Captain Shit Spotter

        And dis is how I gets here … I stalked you …

        • noice! you should stick around! somebody flushed us all down this toilet months ago (won’t say who)

          • Captain Shit Spotter

            say who, say who … does it rhyme with ‘Braxel’?

          • it rhymes with “BriotAct666”

          • Captain Shit Spotter

            Yea .. as soon as I Braxeled I realized what a stupid fuck I am … I think I may know who your very cleverly encrypted BriotAct might be … I am exploring the toilet now …

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Hey Jimmy, I just read that 2 other bands got robbed outside the Fubar. They think its an inside job. Do you think news like that will keep other tours away? I know that you guys get skipped all the time and I thought it was due to the high crime rate. Do you know why St. Lou gets skipped a lot?

          • The only small venues are in a bad part of town. I would think some people could guard a van for the duration of a show! But what do I know?! If I was a small band I wouldn’t fucking come here. There’s so much greatness to the city, and so much embarassment. I just hope it’s improving. I live a mile from Fubar in a fantastic neighborhood. It’s block to block around here…

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            It pisses me off because St Lou gets skipped all the time. Pops, Pageant all great. The article just said they are looking for a new security guard. They said he goes and takes a 2 minute pee and 2 vans get busted windows and stuff stolen. They said that happened 2 months earlier. That sucks.

          • Yeah, but no band smaller than BTBAM can play at pop’s or Pageant. That Fubar story is tough to swallow. Like I said, nobody can help watch a van? Hell, I’ll go do it during that dudes pee breaks.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            I saw The Legendary Pink Dots at Pops. I was one of maybe 25 people there. Later I saw the Melvins and they put up a wall to make the venue smaller. They had more than 25 people there for that one.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            That’s right Jimmy! I said the Legendary Pink Dots! Why? Because they’re Legendary and they’re Pink Dots! That had to be the 2nd weirdest concert experience of my life.

          • Ok, I’ll Google. Would the Finnish guy like them?

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            He might. We both have some weird taste in elctro-experimental-industrial music. They have a Sax player a guitar, 2 keyboards and a singer with a unique (some would say terrible) singing voice singing poetry that I don’t understand. Very slow music. They have been around for over 30 years. My favorite band name. The music through is hit or miss and you have to be in the mood.


      CSS, i haven’t seen you on the toilet before, welcome to the bowl, we only have one rule , bring your own plunger.

      • Captain Shit Spotter

        My plunger is gold plated gluten free ebola awesome….

  • Paris Hilton

    I also got into metal because I want to find the heaviest song of all time. I will stop listening to metal once my task is complete.

    • Gojira wrote the heaviest matter in the universe.

      • I was literally just about to type this/link that song.

        • Great minds think alike!

          • JWG

            I’d have definitely posted that, too. But since I’d really really seem like a “follower” if I just said me too (three?):


            Stellar fusion. Nothing is heavier.


            Plus some songs from this album were suppose to be used in the heavy metal movie but were cut , the lyrics in vengeance (the pact) describe the Taarna segment of the film. My personal favorite segment. Veteran of the psychic wars was the only song used unfortunately.

  • JWG

    Pet ownership is very Metal. But what’s the most metal of the “normal” range of domestic pet?

    Note: lizards, arachnids and small children are excluded. They may indeed be MORE metal than a cat or a dog or a goldfish, but the reasons why are obvious, whereas cats, dogs, fish and rodents appear to laypersons to vary by breed.

    My opinion is that cats, regardless of the type of cat are clearly the most Metal. But I’m 100% biased. I’ve never been anything but a cat owner, because I totally distrust unflinching loyalty and obedience.

    (subquestion: is a doberman truly more metal than a shihtzu?)

    • Bearded Dragons.

      • Lacertilian

        You got some?
        I look after 3, best pets I have ever owned.

        • My sister has one, it’s pretty chill, doesn’t even mind the cat.

    • I’m totally gonna use this for next week’s mail bag.

    • Doberman=Artificial Brain, shitzu=babymetal.

    • Elite Extremophile

      Cats are definitely the most metal. Have you seen any dogs on here?

    • animal carcasses are metal
      cats bring them to our porch to please us
      therefore, cats are metal

      • Lacertilian

        but if the cats merely bring you the metal, then wouldn’t they be considered to be the proto-metal hard rock of the late 1960’s?

    • Paris Hilton

      Cats are the most metal pets simply because of how much they don’t give a shit if you’re there or not.

    • crazytaco_12

      Have to say cats on that one, outside of maybe a pit bull or Doberman or something. The only case I could make for dogs is for how easy it is to breed them and create a different species ex. Labradoodle=progressive sludge

      • yeah but pitbulls can be such sweeties!

        • crazytaco_12

          Just like metalheads can be sweeties! No question about it, I love pitbullss, but they’re clearly dealing with a ton of power behind them.

        • Gurp

          Pit owner, can confirm.

          • Scrimm

            Me too.

    • FeelTheDarkness

      Cats are true anarchists

  • for all you watching at home, i’m Dustin (with the question about why we like metal)
    (and for the record i solved Tyler’s math problem before anyone else. guess next time i’ll focus on funny answers instead of correct ones.)

    • You solved it with words, not with pictures. I don’t know math.

      • it’s only simple in its complexity. great write-up joe!

  • Mother Shabubu III

    “Why does a person listen to metal?”

    I’ll field this one.

    Because when done well, and when in all its glory, metal is an extreme form of human expression. It is the manifestation of emotions that linger in everyone, but everyone buries then deep in side. In some cases metal is the personification of the ugliness and horror of the everyday that we deny exists. It the sound of the evil of man come to life in visceral art. It’s a way to get those demons out safely whilst being embraced in a catharsis-like state. In a way, metal is an experiment where you are subjecting yourself to see the true nature of emotions less explored.

    TL;DR: metal is for artistic extremophiles and people that enjoy self-exploration.

  • Gurp

    This is going to be a great segment, I can feel it.

  • Scrimm

    I dated a really hot girl that listened to metal. Fucking insane. Trust me you don’t want it. For several reasons.

    • Uh gonna need more details than that.

      • Scrimm

        Well you end up running in the same circles, so it’s hard to get a break from her. That really ties into the other thing. When you break up, do you really want to see her at every show hanging on her new boyfriend(and she does it more when she knows you can see her). And then your friends have to tell you every little piece of gossip they hear. Trust me, it is a big part of why I’m so screwed up lol.

        • She sounds like a bitch man, I’m sorry. I just got out of a 4 year relationship so I feel u.

          • Scrimm

            She wasn’t all the time, I was partly to blame but yeah, not fun. Hope that’s going well for you.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            No my friend, we will just blame her!

          • It’s not really, but thanks dude.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Sorry Jack.

          • Thx

          • Scrimm

            Sorry. I know sometimes nothing feels worse.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            When did yours happen?

          • Scrimm

            Shit mine was years ago so I’m cool now. Still there are random moments that remind you of shit and life sucks for a few seconds, but that’s life.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            That’s right.

    • PrincePoopyPanties

      Pfffffffffft, date and live with a girl that listened to Spice Girls, played Clay Aiken’s ‘On the Wings Of Love’ nonstop, and subjected you to Hugh Grant films for 4 years. And I had to sit through ‘Moulin Rouge’ in the theater with her and her mom.
      I’d rather bury myself alive with one of those small garden shovels than go through that again!



    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      Wooo, I’m living in the future! 4.33 Saturday morning, just watched an old Finnish horror/fantasy flick and now its time for a cigarette and then bed.

    • Scrimm

      Funny that quote came up on facebook last night.

    • The Black Dahlia Burger

      Now there’s a great show


        Red Foxx was also one of the first “dirty comics”.His albums had warning labels because of foul languange. This is going back to the 50’s, he released tons of comedy albums. Sanford is one of those shows that i have seen a hundred times yet never tire of. A lot of what red said on the shows was racist to peurto ricans, chinese and other minorities, it would never get on network television today.

  • The Satan Ov Hell

    Dear jacob- coal roll on your kvlt horse, those things fart up a thunderstorm, declare “I AM THE BLACK WIZARDS” and fall into a trance, now dump that shit beer, get some mead. Respect for nature and your bro ways. Also don’t touch Freyja and/or other female nordic deities, thor and odin get pissed. Source: the second war of satan and the thunder bro

  • J.R.

    This is the greatest thing ever.
    My pal was wondering why I was cracking up so hard and he was very confused when I told him I was laughing at Toilets on the internet.
    Some people just dont get it.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    the time has come—for destiny–

    here’s the deal—with the all the conspiracies—this is the “luke skywalker -destroying the death star moment”—-ending all the bullshit

    all this crazy intimidation/negativity–that has been attacking americans on the internet/tv

    can be stopped forever—-and freedom restored to the world


    “mike loudenslager”–was an atf agent who wore a black cowboy hat–and was a cool guy

    he noticed that they were starting to store huge amounts of armaments in the murrah building—and started warning everyone to take their kids out of the daycare center there.

    on the morning of the blast—-he was attending a local/state court case that he was involved with(documented)—-then he was witnessed–getting into a huge fight with atf agents at the bombing site—later that day

    later he was listed as having died in the blast—–this is impossible—

    now is the time—for all the people on the internet—to rise up—and use this smoking gun–to take out the people who are trying to bring oppression to america/the world

    the local anti okc conspiracy groups—are aware of this-0–and have websites–talking about this

    time for you to stop these insane 911/okc bombing maniacs

    and save the world

    boogie nights – “sister christian” scene

  • FeelTheDarkness

    Dear ToiletOvHell,
    Why does it hurt when I pee?
    GG Allin

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    “Math is the absolute antithesis of lifeloving.” <3

  • Drewcifer