Editorial: You’re Probably More Metal Than Toilet ov Hell

5946
193
Share:

Hey FUCKHOLES. I’ve heard y’all talking shit. You thought I wouldn’t find out? You must be some kinda GODDAMN IDIOT. I’ve seen it on forums. In chatrooms. Hastily scrawled in the handicap stall in the men’s room at the Buck-ee’s on I-10. You’ve been saying that you’re far more metal than the Toilet ov Hell. Well listen up, BUTTFACE: You’re right.

You’re way more metal than Toilet ov Hell could ever hope to be. As a matter of fact, we’re not metal in the least. Wanna know why?

Toilet ov Hell is a wildly unsuccessful 100% DIY business.

Oh your DIY business is successful? Congratu-fuckin’-lations, pal. You’re officially more metal than me. Toilet ov Hell has been a money pit since I started it more than three years ago. I’ve only recently started to recoup some of the costs after starting a Patreon three months ago. It makes sense that this place is a broke shit hole considering the entire thing is run by a literal card-carrying socialist. You wanna run adblocker on Toilet ov Hell? Go right ahead, tough guy. I won’t even call you an asshole for doing it. THAT’S how not metal we are.

Toilet ov Hell compromises constantly.

Are you a firebrand that says whatever you want when you want to say it? Goddamn that’s badass and extremely metal. We’re not nearly metal enough to do that. Sometimes we don’t cover a hot-button subject because we don’t know enough about the situation to write an informed piece. Sometimes that means that I spike an album premiere at the last minute when allegations turn up that the artist is a predatory creep. Sometimes it means discarding a draft that my co-editors determine to be “unnecessarily inflammatory”. Do we get it wrong sometimes? HELL YES, BITCH. Do we try to do better in the future? WHAT DO YOU THINK, MORON? Want me to spell it out for you? You = Metal. Us = Cucks.

Toilet ov Hell isn’t transgressive in the least bit.

That’s right, hombre. Rather than trying to get your clicks through ruthless exploitation of tragedies or performatively woke outrage pieces, we’re just a bunch of basement losers blogging about music we like or things we think are funny. Occasionally we’ll write about culture and politics but we’d never, to pick a totally random example from the ether, make fun of a woman’s eating disorder in the process of both sexualizing and infantilizing her.

Do you think that’s cool? Then guess what, BUDDY. You’re way more metal than me.

Toilet ov Hell is regressive as shit.

Other, way more badass, metal blogs think big. They discuss some of the biggest names in music, trends in the industry, and big ass celebrities. I think we can all agree that is extremely metal. On the other hand, this weak ass blog barely does any of that shit. Instead, our coverage focuses on young bands, under explored genres, and taking the piss out of dudes that take this all way too seriously. The Toilet ov Hell is all about engaging with our community, yelling at each other in the Facebook group, and making extremely dank memes. I dub mixtapes for our Patreon subscribers. On cassette. It gets none more regressive. None of these things are metal because Outlaw Metal Alphas ain’t here to make friends. You think you’re more metal than me? Guess what pal? You probably are.

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    This virtue signalling is for you @loganopolisjammyjamjamjambop

  • Fuck you Joe, while you’re busy writing ABOUT METAL, I’m in chat groups complaining about how I can’t post anime.

    You think you’re less metal than me? You got another thing coming, buddy.

    • Bert Banana

      You’re pizza tights are the most metal thing I’ve seen

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      NO ANIME.

  • Lord of Bork

    Now this is good content 666/10

    Also I can’t wait to see whether DMU jumps in to defend their metal cred

    • DMU is just gonna be completely unaware (as usual) and say “Toilet ov Hell even admitted that they aren’t metal!”

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        DMU eats poop

        • GrumpDumpus

          I FEEL BAD FOR THE POOP

  • I can feel the rage, which does nothing to detract from the hilarity.

    Did that tabloid Kitty article really spawn this rant or was that just the proverbial last straw?

    Whatever the case,
    Thank you Joe.

    • I read the Kittie thing years ago and it’s been burned into my mind as one of the worst sentences I’ve ever seen.

      • Oh, I assumed it was a recent article.

        So…did some shit go down somewhere or are you just having an ACTUAL Toilet Tuesday?

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Even worse than the article title Simon Le Bon Hears Asking Alexandria/Korn Cover Of Duran Duran, Offs Himself? That’s offensive to people who suffer from depression or people who know victims of suicide.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        It’s actually even more fucked up now because she actually died from anorexia

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I’m dying from laughter right now. Also I’m more metal than FFB.

    • Bert Banana

      RIP Janitor Jim Duggan. Died of laughter and heavy metal poisoning

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I’m not even joking about being more metal than that other blog. I actually am.

        • Jack Bauer

          lol

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Its accurate.

  • Rick Chard

    Nothing’s more metal than being the star of a snuff film!!

  • Rolderathis

    Bro you’re not metal and you’re DEFINITELY not DANGEROUS.

  • Lacertilian

    This is actually just a homeless man’s cooking tips blog gone very wrong.

    • I came here for a poutine recipe–what’s all this “black metal” shit everywhere?

  • sopadeloro

    I litteraly shit blood, of course I’m more metal than you.

    • Bert Banana

      I use single ply toilet paper. Get on my level, poser

      • sopadeloro

        Single ply? Goddamn you and your kvlt toilet rituals.

      • Shakes 999

        Well la-dee-fuckin-da. Look at JD Rockefeller over here.

      • What’s toilet paper

      • I don’t use toilet paper. Get on my country, poser.

        (I hope someone catch the toilet paper meme we used to laugh about in the first year).

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Pfffffftt shitting blood is kid’s play. I CUM blood.

      • Bert Banana

        You should get that checked out

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          You sound like my ex.

          • Bert Banana

            Your ex told me to remind you

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            She should know by now I won’t get that check-up just to spite her!

          • Bert Banana

            She still worries about you, Frank.

            You should listen to her.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Taking advice isn’t very metal, now is it?

          • Bert Banana

            Frank…you talking to a banana

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It is. I took advice on how to get over someone I care about ending up with someone else and now I don’t care anymore!

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY
          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Exactly.

          • more beer

            Why can’t you just get over someone like the rest of us? With large amounts of alcohol.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I don’t drink. It’s simple as that. I don’t like the taste of beer or wine and cocktails are expensive.

      • sopadeloro

        Did you cum blood after playing with a kid?

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          No, after I was fucked by a knife. At my own will of course.

          • ResonanceCascade

            I was stripped, rapped, and tortured.

            Unfortunately, it was Vanilla Ice doing the rapping.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Sounds like a very painful experience.

  • Howard Dean

    Wow, I can’t believe that linked MS article is a real thing (actually, I can totally believe it’s real, but the cognitive dissonance keeps me sane).

    Typical afternoon at the MS offices:

    https://thumbs.gfycat.com/AmusedSlimyAfricanclawedfrog-small.gif

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      It was the first MS article I’ve read in months. It reminded me of the reason why I stopped reading MS in the first place

      • Bert Banana

        I miss the “Axl Facts” meme that we pushed back in the day

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          Those were good

        • Shakes 999

          I found MS right as those things started to blow up. Then it took me a few months to realize everyone had left and I was wallowing in trash.

          • Bert Banana

            When I left…i thought it couldn’t get any worse. Man, has that community proved me wrong

          • *cries* why can’t i stop going back there and reading current comments? do i have a thing for dumpster fires?

          • GrumpDumpus

            RARE DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE OF METALSUCKS COMMENTORS CELEBRATING THEIR EDGINESS https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/16be36c0bb668ae89fd47f29ec6f2eb388d9506b2eec1a09740bba4aaf36b838.gif

          • David Lee Hrothgar

            read this as “dumpster fries” and i thought finally rochester’s own nick tahou found the perfect accompaniment to the garbage plate

          • GoatForest

            Flame wars are my guilty pleasure. However, the waves of nazis and other goons, combined with insubstantial articles are really wearing on me.

          • Spoetnik

            They cultivated a troll community only to lash out at people and ban them randomly for doing what was expected of them.
            It’s open and free but not.. because you are banned now. LOL
            In other words they love the trolling.. it’s their bread and butter and “clicks”
            Are you a dick ? I sure as hell am with my Adblock. 🙂

          • GoatForest

            I don’t adblock. I should, though. I just don’t go there as often as I used to.

          • GoatForest

            What’d you do to get banned?

          • Spoetnik

            Not sure why i never got a warning.. just BAM.

          • GoatForest

            That sucks. Especially considering how many nazi accounts they don’t ban.

          • OldMetalHead

            That’s because all the best commenters from there (not me) left to make their own community.

    • Patrick Bertlein

      Remember the one about yellow fever? Also all the gay jokes about Varg.

      • Spoetnik

        The crown was the MS Manifesto story.

        • Patrick Bertlein

          Which one was that?

          I at one point had a list of like 5 racist/sexist things they have said, and quite a few huge errors they missed out on. After the Sabbath bloody sabbath reference though , those all seem inconsequential. Not knowing Opeth made an acoustic album, or Godflesh came back is one thing, but not getting a Sabbath reference isn’t just lazy journalism, it is clear evidence that they lack any integrity as fans of the music scene.

  • HessianHunter

    HELL YEAH BROTHER M/

  • Freedom Jew
    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      lacking pineapple; not metal.

      • Freedom Jew

        Who hurt you?

    • KJM, Blood Farmer

      A dog eating pizza = Metal af

  • ResonanceCascade

    I understood this reference.

    • Howard Dean

      I understood this comment.

      • Restless_1

        I’m confused. Now THAT’S metal.

        Oh wait, now I get it. BRB, I’m going to cry in my pillow now.

  • Howard Dean

    Disclaimer for Joaquin Stick: Contains bewbs.

    OT: So a news site I was viewing today recommended an article about Sarah Silverman to me. I’d basically forgotten about her completely (can’t remember the last thing I saw her in…maybe Old School?). I didn’t really have any interest in reading about her, but the header image got me to click (see below). Now I tend to dislike her comedy, personality, and general attitude about most things, but damn. Does she actually look like this now? Did I miss something??

    https://nyppagesix.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/493669700.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&w=664&h=441&crop=1

    • KJM, Blood Farmer

      Hasn’t she always been this hot though?

      • Howard Dean

        I guess she has, but I apparently had never seen it before.

      • Dumpster Lung

        She has 😛

    • Celtic Frosty

      She talks about having “big naturals” all the time, yo. She ain’t lyin’

      • Howard Dean

        Indeed. I did like a triple take when I saw that header. Definitely got me to click the article, so they knew what they were doing.

      • Dumpster Lung

        for some reason, “big naturals” has always felt like the grossest phrase to me

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Sweet apples!

      – GL

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      MY MILF SENSE IS TINGLING

      • Bert Banana

        She’s not a milf though

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          She’s milf aged

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            This reminded me of a scene from a defunct FX show called The Bridge, in which the cops are going through the text message history of some kid, in which he refers to the main character as a milf. She yells at him “why did you call me a milf? I don’t have children” completely oblivious to the fact that the kid was lusting after her

          • Bert Banana

            Doesn’t that make her a cougar then?

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            She’d have to date someone significantly younger than her to be a cougar

        • Howard Dean

          But you can’t deny the potential power of that cleavage.

          https://media.tenor.com/images/377c00e8c499bcf7d24b2ca793eb4a68/tenor.gif

          • Bert Banana

            Oh don’t get me wrong…id love to have my surgically attached banana hands all over those

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            You are just gonna beat her up and lose them again

          • Bert Banana

            You’re right. Probably call her a “sorry sack of tangerine bitch” in the process while accusing her of wanting to have sex with the fries

          • KJM, Blood Farmer

            Keeping in mind that I am NOT filled with Crystal Meth.

        • more beer

          That situation can be changed rather easily.

    • The Tetrachord of Archytas

      Looks like you missed two things

    • Mosh Hoff

      I like that you follow up a post that calls out MS for being objectifying towards women with a comment objectifying a woman.

      Stay classy, HD.

    • Shakes 999

      She did full nude in a movie a few years back. They’re not as great as they’re presented. They aren’t bad, just normal womans boobs.

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    I LOVE YOU ALL, GUYS

  • VVizardface Kelly

    Oh yeah? You think you’re NOT Metal? Guess what hombre? I went to see Kings of Leon this year, intentionally. And I fucking liked it. Game on!

  • Hans

    Dude, I don’t even talk about how not metal I am. I just let the constant feeling of inferiority eat away at me silently. THAT’S not metal.

    • Restless_1

      I cry in my sleep about my not being metal.

      Seriously, it’s like being waterboarded when I sleep face down.

    • GrumpDumpus

      THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE TRVE

  • Hubert

    I consider myself to be averagely metal.

    • Patrick Bertlein

      I’m just a music nerd, but I’ll take Townes Van Zandt over 95 percent of black metal easily.

  • KozmoNaut

    You just won yourself another patron.

  • Count_Breznak

    Well, someone got to do it…

    To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Metal. The riffs are extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the polyrythmics will go over a typical listener’s head. There’s also Metal’s nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into the covers – their personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these lyrics, to realize that they’re not just steel- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike metal truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn’t appreciate, for
    instance, the humour in Manowar’s existencial catchphrase “Metal and Steel,” which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev’s Russian epic Fathers and Sons I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Lars Ulrich’s genius unfolds itself on their cheap bluetooth IPhone speakers. What fools… how I pity them. 😂 And yes by the way, I DO have a Lost Prophets tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It’s for the ladies’ eyes only- And even they have to demonstrate that they’re within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand.

    • KJM, Blood Farmer

      Here, have some szechuan sauce.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      There’s smart metal bands, and dumb metal bands. Just like in all other genres of music

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Exactly. Look at nu metal. That is dumb metal although it’s very fun. Smart metal is mathcore which can also be fun.

        • ResonanceCascade

          Speaking of mathcore, I saw Kurt Ballou at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told
          him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a
          douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.

          He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”

          I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me
          off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my
          face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him
          chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw
          him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his
          hands without paying.

          The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was
          like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept
          pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back
          around and brought them to the counter.

          When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he
          stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any
          electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I
          don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them
          in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by
          yawning really loudly.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            This is a very funny story. I chuckled heartily at it.

          • Extremely here for this copy pasta thread

          • Lord of Bork

            What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills.

            I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.

            You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands.

            Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue.

            But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it.

            You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I think he was making fun of people who believe that.

      • Milfs are you on the facebooks?

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          I have an empty abandoned friendless account I haven’t logged in in a long time. I deleted my old FB account years ago because it frustrated me

          • Yeah it’s a time sucker.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            In all honesty I never spent that much time in it. What frustrated me was all the negativity and shitposting. At times it was a bad as Metalsucks… Maybe worse, considering that it wasn’t two douches in New York who I’ll probably never meet, it was people that I knew

    • David Lee Hrothgar

      13/10 would yell at beleaguered mcdonalds cashier

  • Ted Theodore Logan

    Are boners metal? I am aroused.

    • Howard Dean

      “But it’s your mom, dude!!”

    • ResonanceCascade

      When I was in high school, someone spray painted “Iron Maiden” and “Metallica” in huge letters across the bowl at my neighborhood skate park. The next night, some kids I knew snuck in and changed them to “Iron Boner” and “Metalliwacker.”

      So in answer to your question, I have no idea.

  • Akira Watts

    Well played.

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    I worked out so hard that my arteries ripped in half and I survived so yeah I’m pretty metal. Although my special meter is gonna remain depleted for a long time so I guess I could be less metal now

  • SupremeKrieg

    Fvckin right I’m more metal than you.

    • more beer

      I’m more metal than you in my fucking sleep!

      • Bert Banana

        I’m more beer than you

        • more beer

          You wish!

          • Restless_1

            You are correct, but I’m more whiskey that any of you.

            #Murica

      • SupremeKrieg

        I don’t even Sleep anymore. That’s 6 fvcking hours of potential heavy metal. Fvck sleep.

  • Bravo!

  • Choo-Choo

    Sorry about avoiding this website for so long because of its name, this piece rules and I like how everyone commenting here seems to be approximately as stupid as I am.

    • Mosh Hoff

      Welcome home, man.

      • (SAAANITARIUUUUMMMM)

      • Pierre Generic

        GRANDMA WHAT WAS IT LIIIIIIKE
        TO BE ON THE HOLIDAY SIIIITE?

    • Howard Dean

      Being dumb >>>>>>>>>

    • stick around if you like your metal blogs nice.

      • Choo-Choo

        I do! This place seems pretty chill for an infernal shitter.

      • Spoetnik

        Can’t be any worse than MS.
        I defended those sacks of shit over there for close to a decade then woke up one morning perma-banned for no reason.

        I regret sticking up for those pricks 80 billion times only to be stabbed in the back over a PC / knee-jerk SJW reaction to my comment,

        Actually i am pretty sure i know why.. i posted to a guy i had known girls growing up that had faked or lied about being raped on a Decapitated topic.
        Funny enough i seen the same comment posted by some other guy on MetalInjection.. yup.. the site they plagarize.
        I lost respect for them.. they are douche bags period.

    • GoatForest

      It’s a fun place with cool folks. It’s the home of smart asses who aren’t assholes.

    • Sempak_Berdarah

      O Father Ov Satan
      just discover this site recently

  • Jack Bauer

    PREACH

  • M Shadows!

    Sometimes when I hear a song I like that is sung by me cause im awesome obviously, I will drive 5 under the speed limit IN THE LEFT LANE with my windows down so that I can bathe in my narcissism and the rest of the song that I’m singing in before I get to my destination. Now who is metal huh?

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Yay, M Shadows has returned!

      • M Shadows!

        I never left. I’m always here, watching, waiting, comiserating, say it aint so, i will not not go, turn the lights off carry me home, keep your he who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a maaaaaayyn. Naturally, metalsucks will never have this issue.

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          M SHADOWS!

    • Bert Banana

      M Shadows!

    • Guppusmaximus

      Erm Shadows!

  • FRED DURST

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DID THIS POSER FUKKN WEBSITE FINALLY ADMIT THAT ITS LESS FUKKN TRU METAL THAN FRUD DERST? FRUD DERST WILL CALMLY THANK YOU AND EXPECTS A FORMAL APOLOGY FOR ANY SLANDER AND NOT TRU METAL THINGS YOUVE SAID ABOUT FRUD DERST. FRUD DERST WILL WRITE A WHOLE GODDAMN TRU METAL ALBUM JUST FOR THIS FUKKN POSER WEBSITE TO ENJOY.

    FRUD -not a poser DERST

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Metal is a state of mind, but it’s also at the centre of the Earth, so you gotta keep it together, man.

  • ResonanceCascade

    But seriously, my wife says I’m a good size of metal.

  • more beer

    Thanks for the laugh Joe!

  • GoatForest

    I birdwatch.

  • GoatForest

    My next cd budget goes here instead.

    • are you on the facebooks? add me fool.

      • GoatForest

        I would, but I don’t exist there. Sorry man.

        • whoops! somebody out there admitted to be on it…….

          • GoatForest

            Now you must be dragged before the counsil!

          • i deserve this fate. what does one blink mean versus two blinks?

          • GoatForest

            One blink means you’re guilty. Two means super guilty.

  • 100% better than the metalsucks version released yesterday. 5 stars.

  • Restless_1

    As Dice said:

    “You want your rights? 10 percent off of Vaseline, now get the fuck back in the closet”

    If you let this comment stand, then you are definitely not m/!

  • got some of the O.G.’s out here in the comments section. good job Joe!

  • Smalls…Leonard Smalls
  • Pagliacci is Kvlt

    I don’t want to be more metal, I want to be more wood.

  • Patrick Bertlein

    This is brilliant! And fuck that site, they are so out of touch it’s pathetic. How do you miss a Sabbath reference!? Shit, they had an article which clearly showed they were unaware Godflesh came back and Opeth made an acoustic album.

    It would be fine if they could simply own up to the fact that they are simply not that knowledgeable about underground metal.

  • SomeGuyDude

    MetalSucks is such a fucking shitpool. I don’t even know why I read it.

  • god

    metalsucks is a fucking J O K E, politically correct, social justice hero pieces of trash, I only went for the comments and now everything I post is deleted immediately after I insulted axl for saying “n bomb” instead of using the actual word like a grown up would, now anything I try to post, regardless of content/language, is immediately removed

  • Patrick Bertlein

    Metalsucks just posted about the new Hallatar album, featuring the guitarist to Swallow the Sun, and this is an actual quote (“imagine if Swallow the Sun went Funeral Doom”)

    Can we have a running list of all the fuckups they make? I mean, that triple album was one of the most talked about albums last year, even to those who didn’t like it. I think if someone could keeps tabs on that site, that would be awesome.