Editorial: You’re Probably More Metal Than Toilet ov Hell


Hey FUCKHOLES. I’ve heard y’all talking shit. You thought I wouldn’t find out? You must be some kinda GODDAMN IDIOT. I’ve seen it on forums. In chatrooms. Hastily scrawled in the handicap stall in the men’s room at the Buck-ee’s on I-10. You’ve been saying that you’re far more metal than the Toilet ov Hell. Well listen up, BUTTFACE: You’re right.

You’re way more metal than Toilet ov Hell could ever hope to be. As a matter of fact, we’re not metal in the least. Wanna know why?

Toilet ov Hell is a wildly unsuccessful 100% DIY business.

Oh your DIY business is successful? Congratu-fuckin’-lations, pal. You’re officially more metal than me. Toilet ov Hell has been a money pit since I started it more than three years ago. I’ve only recently started to recoup some of the costs after starting a Patreon three months ago. It makes sense that this place is a broke shit hole considering the entire thing is run by a literal card-carrying socialist. You wanna run adblocker on Toilet ov Hell? Go right ahead, tough guy. I won’t even call you an asshole for doing it. THAT’S how not metal we are.

Toilet ov Hell compromises constantly.

Are you a firebrand that says whatever you want when you want to say it? Goddamn that’s badass and extremely metal. We’re not nearly metal enough to do that. Sometimes we don’t cover a hot-button subject because we don’t know enough about the situation to write an informed piece. Sometimes that means that I spike an album premiere at the last minute when allegations turn up that the artist is a predatory creep. Sometimes it means discarding a draft that my co-editors determine to be “unnecessarily inflammatory”. Do we get it wrong sometimes? HELL YES, BITCH. Do we try to do better in the future? WHAT DO YOU THINK, MORON? Want me to spell it out for you? You = Metal. Us = Cucks.

Toilet ov Hell isn’t transgressive in the least bit.

That’s right, hombre. Rather than trying to get your clicks through ruthless exploitation of tragedies or performatively woke outrage pieces, we’re just a bunch of basement losers blogging about music we like or things we think are funny. Occasionally we’ll write about culture and politics but we’d never, to pick a totally random example from the ether, make fun of a woman’s eating disorder in the process of both sexualizing and infantilizing her.

Do you think that’s cool? Then guess what, BUDDY. You’re way more metal than me.

Toilet ov Hell is regressive as shit.

Other, way more badass, metal blogs think big. They discuss some of the biggest names in music, trends in the industry, and big ass celebrities. I think we can all agree that is extremely metal. On the other hand, this weak ass blog barely does any of that shit. Instead, our coverage focuses on young bands, under explored genres, and taking the piss out of dudes that take this all way too seriously. The Toilet ov Hell is all about engaging with our community, yelling at each other in the Facebook group, and making extremely dank memes. I dub mixtapes for our Patreon subscribers. On cassette. It gets none more regressive. None of these things are metal because Outlaw Metal Alphas ain’t here to make friends. You think you’re more metal than me? Guess what pal? You probably are.

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