Your Death Metal Kickstarter Campaign is 0% Funded

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Veteran death metal band Prolapsing the Crepitation needs your help. But they’re too fucking br00tal to ask nicely.

Kickstarter is a great tool for musicians of any genre who possess no initiative or networking skills or work ethic of any kind. But it’s also a great tool for hard-working, no-nonsense victims of the decomposing record industry and wintry global economy like the chaps in Prolapsing the Crepitation. They’ve started a campaign to fund the recording of a new full-length album entitled Necropurulent Copulation. The good news is that all they need is $70 USD. The bad news is that with only 13 days left the campaign has a grand total of $0 pledged.

Wtf, right? Prolapsing the Crepitation are stalwarts of the Hawaiian underground death metal scene, sharing members with slam weirdos Effluviating the Nucleus and scene pioneers Inculcating the Necrovore. Their roots can be traced all the way back to ’93, with the release of their first rehearsal cassette, Rotting Dumpster Miscarriage (at which point the band was still calling themselves Crepitating the Prolapse). After several name- and lineup-changes, not to mention a half-dozen more rehearsal tapes and official demos, Prolapsing the Crepitation took the underground by storm in 2009 with their debut full length album, Full Body Amputation. Eight years, ten albums and fourteen lineup changes later, they remain steadfast in their staunch refusal to compromise or “sell out”. Prolapsing the Crepitation always has and always will fund their existence the only way they know how: asking other people for money. And today they are asking YOU to help raise a measly $70 to record the follow up to January’s critically shunned ripper of an EP, Unsanctimonious Subdural Ejaculation.

“We need like 70 fuckin dollars to record this fuckin album or whatever so if you like brutal fuckin death metal then give us some fuckin money you fuckin scrubs,” states the band on their Kickstarter page. You can tell they are dead serious about this goal because, in their own words, they’ve been “gut-fucking the posers since ’93”. And you can tell their latest “pulsating slab of blood-saturated audio carnage” will be worth your money because the revered tastemakers at Death Metal Underground gave Unsanctimonious Subdural Ejaculation what passes for glowing praise, I guess, stating that “The EP wouldn’t be half bad if it was still 1994 and this band didn’t chose [sic] to be from dumbass Hawaii which as everyone knows is the most un fucking death metal state in the Union full of sun loving scene tourists and SJWs in sheeps [sic] clothing refusing to move to the mainland and quit releasing everything on fucking hipster ass cassette. It’s okay. It could be worse. There could be time signatures other than 4/4.”

If Crepitating the Prolapse Prolapsing the Crepitation’s campaign is fully funded, 92% of the pledged money will go toward the recording itself, with the remaining 8% (that’s $5.60 USD) reserved for the purchase of new metal trashcans; drummer Al “Bitch Cleaver” Jenkins’s old ones are too banged-up from over two decades of percussive br00talization. (Bassist Frank “Throat Plunger” Murphy could probably use some new strings too; he’s been playing with only three since ’98.)

The reward tier breakdown is as follows:

  1. Pledge $1 and the band will send you a crumpled up napkin with some personalized variation of “Go fuck yourself” written on it.
  2. Pledge $5 and the band will send you a piece of roadkill.
  3. Pledge $20 and guitarist/vocalist Paul “Nunthumper” Evans will treat you to an intimate a-cappella performance of Necropurulent Copulation via skype.
  4. Pledge $40 and “Bitch Cleaver” will come to your child’s school and hang around on the playground looking seedy.
  5. Pledge the full $70 and you can join the band, replacing Ernesto “Kidsmasher” Rangi on rhythm guitar. (He’s going to prison. Guess what for.)

All of those are pretty much the awesomest things in the history of ever, so what are you waiting for? And hey, if the band name and logo and album title and promised rewards aren’t enough to entice you into donating a bit of your cash to this thoroughly filthy project, then here are some song-titles:

“Raped by Maggots”

“Necrotic Vaginal Distention”

“Enjoy Your Hemicorporectomy, Susan”

“Masticated Fetal Abrasion”

“Goat”

Need more enticement? Just look at these dudes.

Your eyes are not deceiving you. That is not zero, not one—but two pairs of camo shorts. BRUTAL UNDERGROUND DEATH METAL ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.

You can unlock your own brutal underground death metal achievement by heading on over to Prolapsing the Crepitation’s Kickstarter page and dropping a few bucks in the blood bucket. Don’t leave this band of tried and true scene loyalists hanging like a piece of lacerated flesh. With your generous help, we can beat back the tide of oblivion and turn this:

into this:

You can’t purchase Prolapsing the Crepitation’s music on bandcamp or like them on facebook because they are just too fucking underground for that corporate-sponsored elitist bullshit tbh. But you can check out their music HERE and donate to their Kickstarter fund HERE.


(Photos via, via)

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  • Count_Breznak

    I want the “Kidsmasher” guy to hang arround the playground instead of “Bitchcleaver”, for obvious reasons. Can that be arranged ?

    • Joaquin Stick

      Finally, someone willing to put the “how many kindergartners could I fight at once, theoretically” question to the test.

      • Count_Breznak

        We don’t want to back some posers now, he better live up to his name

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Richter, your links are messed up. How am I supposed to get my napkin?

    • Figure it out brah.

    • Óðinn

      Arby’s

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        I only eat at T A C O B E L L

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I particularly smiled at the Kickstarter link.

  • Howard Dean

    ¬(x=[y+z])

    where:

    x = this article
    y = funny
    z = clever

  • You nailed it with the stupid kickstarter idea at the end.

    Does anyone else get frequent emails from Indiegogo with hot items? THere’s some really cool stuff, but the ones that kill me are the “REVOLUTIONARY NEW BACKPACK! MUST HAVE! $4000”

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      This backpack will help you overthrow capitalism in 10 easy steps!

      • GL

        -Guacamole Jim, probably

    • Check out this cool new backpack everyone in Silicon Valley can’t stop talking about!
      > clicks
      > literally just a rebranded JanSport for $500
      > starts a new communist state

    • Óðinn

      No. I don’t get emails from them.

  • The Arm(KJM)

    Verb The Noun.

    • Óðinn

      They should have named their band Lack the Imagination.

  • JWG

    Metal Kickstarters are the worst.

    My feeling that wasn’t always the case, though. The first one I chose to fund came through in relatively record time for the average KS campaign (even after things got lost in the international mail once) and made me a Fan For life of the band. Also my enthusiasm clearly spilled over to TovH because Spires even rated more than one article reference (once for the campaign and once on a particular Tuesday).

    The second was where things derailed, as [Redacted] were late to confirm things were done, didn’t provide a digital option during the campaign so that would be available ASAP and never bothered to follow through on making sure I got my CD. Worse, they’re a local band whose gigs I could walk to if I wanted. I just haven’t. Should be obvious why. If a UK band could get me my stuff even after it was lost once (I blame Canada Post because I have no idea how Royal Mail works w.r.t. International shipments) there’s no excuse for guys who could literally just walk it over to my mailbox.

    I should have learned there, but I went in for one more with physical rewards (cheesy Power Metal this time though). It’s late. Very late. But at least progress reports suggest they didn’t abandon us (yet).

    Also: there were lots more campaigns between the first campaign and today, but they all looked – or more often than not sounded – just plain bad.

  • Óðinn

    If they can”t get anybody to buy their albums, why eould anybody give them $70 for nothing?

  • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse