You Pick the Sexiest Dude in Metal: THE FOXY FOUR


It’s down to the final four sexy metal men! Vote for your favorite hottie to make it to the championship!

Inspired by Revolver Magazine, who, against all odds and relevance, just published their annual collection of the “25 HOTTEST CHICKS IN HARD ROCK”, we’ve decided to reduce humanity to its basest, most bangable instincts. The TovH writing staff made our selections for 32 of our favorite heavy metal hunks and we’ve placed them all in sweaty head-to-head competition against each other for our own carnal amusement. We’ve decided to include metal guys young and old, in addition to a couple of dearly departed, especially sexy dudes. Which hottie will take home the crown of Sexiest Dude in Metal? It’s up to you, the reader. Make your picks and then put your bold predictions for the tournament in the comments.

Before we get the new contests, let’s look at the results of the last round of voting!

Andy Williams (8619) vs Adam Jarvis (7203)
Doyle (756) vs Chuck Schuldiner (1384)
Peter Steele (2302) vs Jeff Loomis (680)
And finally:
Doug Moore (22938) vs Greg Puciato (22637)
We need to address this one. I left the polls open in good faith. That was a mistake. It seems two different giant fucking nerds wrote scripts to automatically vote for Doug and Greg, respectively. At this point, there is no way to determine how many of the votes for either entrant are legit or not. For this round we will grant Doug the victory but this round is locked up with cookie tracking. Don’t fuck with it or everyone’s disqualified.

Peter Steele (Type O Negative) VS. Chuck Schuldiner (Death)

It’s a sexy dead guy battle for the ages! Stone cold sexy Steele vs sweet, smoky Schuldiner. How can you possibly decide? 6′ 7″ Peter Steele was a sensual crooner with a dong immortalized in the pages of Playgirl. Chuck was a sweetheart that loved animals and almost single handedly built the entire genre of death metal. Choose wisely.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 10-07-2017 00:00:00
end_date 15-07-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Peter Steele vs Chuck Schuldiner

Doug Moore (Pyrrhon) VS. Andy Williams (Every Time I Die)

We’ve cut the competition down to just two of the most masculine modern men of metal. Will it be Doug Moore, the swole, intelligent frontman of skonkmeisters Pyrrhon? Or will it be the pro-wrasslin’, party metallin’ big bear of Every Time I Die? As Puff Daddy said, Vote or go to hell.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 10-07-2017 00:00:00
end_date 15-07-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Doug Moore vs Andy Williams
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  • Lacertilian

    After missing a round Mrs Lizard is back to give her take on the Final Four.

    Her comments on the Doug vs Greg voter fraud – gleefully”You metalheads, such geeks”.

    Peter Steele – “*laughs* Oh fuck no. So dead vampire dude? I forgot he had a dead animal coming out of his hair. Man, he’s just…so pale. *sighs* He’s got killer sideburns, that’s about the only positive I can add this time. He looks likes a Simpsons character.”

    Chuck Schuldiner – “Oh it’s the Hanson brother. He’s the black sheep of the mmm bop family. He needs a shampoo, [Me: “I think you said that last time”] it still stands. I vote for Hanson-lite.”

    Doug Moore – [Me: “Alright it’s your favourite”] I… HAHAHAHAHAHA *points at screen* I CAN SEE THE OTHER GUY’S HEAD HAHAHAHAHA *2 straight minutes of laughter* I was gonna say I feel very under pressure right now, *laughs* Should I say something critical [Me: “I’m transcribing everything”] Ok so if I had to say something critical, I’d say he looks a little bit like Voldemort in this picture [Me: disingenuously “Really?”] It’s just the bald head, that’s all. You should be second guessing our marriage if I think that Voldemort is, you know, passable. [Me: “I shave my head too though”] Oh, ok. Accepted.”

    Andy Williams – *derisive laughter* *covers mouth*spluttering laughter* So you know those people that take the piss and pretend to be hipsters, like it looks like an instagram pic for his vegan-metal beard-waxing blog. *long pause* We should probably stop now, in case one day when he finds this it hurts his feelings [Me: “I don’t think he cares what you think”] Is he married? [Me: “I don’t know”] *circles palm of hand in wiping motion over picture* Because this is just wrong. I vote Doug, so click that button.”

    • Dumpster Lung

      These posts are the best part of this entire thing.

  • The Arm(KJM)

    And once again it’s time for the contest that way too many people are taking way too seriously!! VOTE!!

    • Maik Beninton™

      This could change the course of history, why can’t you understand that?

      • The Arm(KJM)

        We’re ruining Metal just by acknowledging it.

    • Stockhausen

      I have the bracket tattooed on my back. I’m tattooing the winner on my dong.

      • Pagliacci is Kvlt

        The name or a whole portrait? I couldn’t even manage their initials.

      • The Arm(KJM)

        Perhaps you will have a “Steele” dong by the time we’re through!

        • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse

          Technically, would it instead be a “Steele” “Peter”? 🙂

  • Elegant Gazing Globe
  • Señor Jefe El Rossover


    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      At least Doyle is gone.

    • Let me taste those liberal tears. (I spent a lot of time reading political posts over the weekend.)

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Jimmy plz!

      • The Arm(KJM)

        Take a shot every time you see the phrases “deep state” or “fake news”.

        • D00d, there are only about nine unique words, used in various combinations. But every comment ends with lots of laughter emojis. Those conservatives are a jolly bunch!

  • Guacamole Jim
  • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse
  • I am personally not happy with the final four, but at least we have 4 smokin hot dudes to choose between

  • Bert Banana

    No Greg….
    …No Adam…


    • Howard Dean

      I voted for Adam and think he should have been the winner last round over the speedo pro wrestler dude, but I can’t agree with you on Greg. Aggressive, jacked-up manlets with Napoleon complexes generally aren’t overly appealing–to men or to women. I’m surprised he lasted this long.

  • Stockhausen

    Two different nerds hacked the vote for Greg and Doug, or two different networks became self-aware and battled it out for the first hunkalicious faces they processed in their swooning electronic minds? The latter seems more likely to me.

  • Dumpster Lung

    Voted for Chuck. Don’t care who he runs against in the finals.

  • Orfleksson

    – Guy who wrote script to vote for Puciato

    • GL

      I think we are using the phrase “script” pretty liberally here. A clicking macro would do the job a lot easier than scripting anything at all. That is my take anyways!

      • Orfleksson

        Sounds like you know a lot about rigging votes….
        Just kidding, good point

        • GL

          lol, I would have not been kicked outta the competition if that was the case! ha

      • I suppose it was silly for me to think folks wouldn’t take a fun bracket way too seriously and fuck with the results.

        • GL

          lol. When I saw those 20k+ votes I was like “Jesus! Joe is rocking this thing!”

        • Orfleksson

          I hold out hope that legions of adoring DEP/Pyrrhon fans just went apeshit voting instead

          • Howard Dean

            I think each and every Pyrrhon fan would’ve had to have like 115 of their family members and friends vote to reach that 23,000 vote total.

        • Dude those numbers are strangely close to each other, and also p high in magnitude. A statistics major would have some big and interesting words to provide rn.
          I wonder if somehow a bug in the system just added 20,000 votes to each candidate, when it was really moar like 2938 vs 2637.
          Review the logs and get back to me 🙂

          • Howard Dean

            Yeah, if the votes in this contest are normally distributed, that result is waaaay in the right tail. Just a few standard deviations from the mean.

    • GL

      Also, welcome to the Toilet!

  • Hans

    Huh. First time voting for Moore. Not sure where that came from.
    As for ol’ Pete… I think I finally realized he’s unattainable. I just feel like I’d have more of a shot with Chuck, you know?

  • AndySynn

    It was Russia.

  • Eliza
  • Gothic Bob

    No Buzz Osborne?!