You Pick the Sexiest Dude in Metal: Round of 32 (pt. 2)

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The full field of 32 is revealed! Did your favorite hottie make the cut? Find out and vote them to the top!

In our most titillating competition yet, YOU get to pick the sexiest dude in all of metal. Inspired by Revolver Magazine, who, against all odds and relevance, just published their annual collection of the “25 HOTTEST CHICKS IN HARD ROCK”, we’ve decided to reduce humanity to its basest, most bangable instincts. The TovH writing staff made our selections for 32 of our favorite heavy metal hunks and we’ve placed them all in sweaty head-to-head competition against each other for our own carnal amusement. We’ve decided to include metal guys young and old, in addition to a couple of dearly departed, especially sexy dudes. Which hottie will take home the crown of Sexiest Dude in Metal? It’s up to you, the reader. Make your picks and then put your bold predictions for the tournament in the comments.

Did you miss the first half? Go here to put in your votes for the first 16 competitors.


Greg Puciato (Dillinger Escape Plan)

This musclebound daredevil of DEP always leaves his fans satisfied.

VS.

Tommy Giles (Between the Buried and Me)

The Toilet ov Hell writers are suckers for this BtBaM vocalist’s book-ish good looks and progressive tunes.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Greg Puciato vs Thomas Giles

Eric Adams (Manowar)

Eric Adams has made a career of oiling himself up and stripping down to a loin cloth. Is he asking for the title of sexiest dude in metal?

VS.

Quorthon (Bathory)

Tomas Börje Forsberg, or Quorthon to his legions of fans, will forever be remembered for his contributions to black metal and high cheek bones.

 
This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Eric Adams vs Quorthon

Tosin Abasi (Animals As Leaders)

Tosin’s otherworldly technical guitar playing and dashing good looks leave us Weightless.

VS.

Bill Steer (Carcass)

This babely Brit helped found several genres of extreme metal and looked damn good doing it.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Tosin Abasi vs Bill Steer

Kiko Louriero (Angra, Megadeth)

This sexy Brazilian shredder can tame even the most savage Mustaine with his nimble fingers and strong jawline.

VS.

Doug Moore (Pyrrhon)

As a blogger, musician, AND avid gym-goer, Doug Moore is the complete package and we’re here to unwrap it.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Kiko Louriero vs Doug Moore

Ice Dale (Enslaved, Audrey Horne)

Enslaved guitarist Ice Dale is our token representative for all big, sexy Norwegians.

VS.

Chrileon (Twilight Force)

While most power metal bands simply LARP in elfric costumes, Twilight Force managed to find an Orlando Bloom stand-in to handle vocal duties. Expelliarmus!

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Ice Dale vs Chrileon

Keith Buckley (Every Time I Die)

Keith’s boyish good looks give us all thoughts of The Big Dirty. 

VS.

Andy Williams (Every Time I Die)

The ETID guitarist is a part-time pro wrestler and a full-time beefcake.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Keith Buckley vs Andy Williams

Vreth (Finntroll)

We’re singing the praises of this Finnish dreamboat entirely in the Swedish language. It’s filthy, so we can’t translate it here.

VS.

Mikael Stanne (Dark Tranquility, Hammerfall)

This fair-skinned ginger melodeath pioneer has the Character needed to be nominated today.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Vreth vs Mikael Stanne

Adam Jarvis (Misery Index, Pig Destroyer)

The sole drummer in our bracket, Adam Jarvis earned his spot with his toned forearms and skillful stick work.

VS.

George Clarke (Deafheaven)

George Clarke has it all. Looks, fame, cool sunglasses, and incredible wizard powers. Is this his competition to lose?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Adam Jarvis vs George Clarke

Behold! The full bracket.

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  • Lacertilian

    Couldn’t do this for the first round as Mrs Lizard was not home in time but I thought it would be better to get her first reactions and let her vote for me (provided she agrees exactly with my selections). Transcription below:

    Greg Puciato – “Yep”.
    v.s.
    Thomas Giles – “ooh, this guy. First dude looks like a wanker”.

    Eric Adams – “Uhh, he looks nice. Like a nice dude. Is he a nice dude or a bad dude?”.
    v.s.
    Quorthon – “Ehhhh, guess I’ll go shiny hair dude. The other guy looks like a fuzzy teddy bear”.

    Tosin – “Is he from Milli Vanilli?”.
    v.s.
    Bill Steer – “That’s a horrible photo, he looks like he has a facial disease. *googles ‘Bill Steer’* Yeah I’m still gonna go with him. The other guy looks ridiculous”.

    Kiko – “Kiko. Bum chin…….his eyebrows are mesmerising. Strong jawline”.
    v.s.
    Doug Moore – “He looks like he needs a punch from the guy who punched Richard Spencer. *I tell her he’s one of the good guys* awwww… he has lovely biceps. *She googles to get better pictures* Ooh, he’s lovely. He’s the best so far. I pick him”.

    Ice – “Which one? He looks like he’d be mates with you. He looks like one of your mates. *laughs* You don’t have to write that”.
    v.s.
    Chrileon – “It’s [name redacted]! Hahahahah, it’s him with a dark beard. Umm…probably that guy”.

    Keith Buckley – “*turns nose up* He needs a hair wash. *semi-scowling at TV* His nose is nice and his lips are a good shape. I don’t want to be mean, jeez”.
    v.s.
    Andy Williams – “Oh fuck no. *chortles* Come on! The other guy. He’s wearing budgie smuglers!”.

    Vreth – “Ooh, this is an artistic shot. Is he Scottish? I digging the filter they used. Has he got different coloured eyes or is that the picture do you think? You don’t need to write that”.
    v.s.
    Mikael – “*audible internal giggle snorts* He looks like a fucking ginger rabbit. Don’t put my swearing in. They’ll thing I’m some trashy bitch. He looks sunburnt. He is sunburnt, look at his hairline. You don’t have to write that. So I’d pick Braveheart”

    Adam Jarvis – “*blinks once* *several moments pass* *raises an eyebrow* He’s got a good beard and nice strong forearms muscles. Move on”.
    v.s.
    George Clarke – “Uhhh, I’ll go with top guy. This guy looks like a rapist. It could just be this picture. *she googles other pictures* He looks like a human gollum. Why is he doing that? Is that his genre? Weird-metal? I feel bad about calling him a rapist, that’s a terrible thing to say. Can you put an apology in there for me please?”.

    • Joaquin Stick

      This is perfect. Also props to her for going with Tommy G!

    • Howard Dean

      Hahahaha, fucking George Clarke the rapist. A+

    • The Mighty Thorange

      “Is he Scottish?” Doesn’t choose the sunburned ginger competing against him. HAHAHAHAHAHA!….. *Looks in mirror at pasty ginger reflection, self esteem plummets*

      • Howard Dean

        From a purely objective, aesthetic-based, “human beauty” perspective based on those two pictures, that Vreth dude is definitely the easy pick.

        • The Mighty Thorange

          I get that. I suppose I should take comfort that it seems as if there is a stereotype that us Scottish guys are good looking.

          • Howard Dean

            I honestly thought she said the “is he Scottish?” line because it looks like he has a Braveheart woad face paint thing going on.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            Shite. I keep trying to forget that fucking film happened. I assume Mrs Lizard isn’t familiar with folk metal then.

          • Lacertilian

            *she bursts out laughing* “Ahhh…no”

    • Stockhausen

      This was fantastic. I demand Mrs. Lizard’s commentary on all of these.

    • I demand Mrs. Lizard’s as a writer for this blog.

      • Slaves BC

        Yes, please.

        • Which poser from the poser band am I speaking to?

          • Slaves BC

            Josh. I’m the only one that talks. But not the only one that poses.

          • Let’s pose together again sometime <3

          • Slaves BC

            0 – – C====€

    • *buys a pair of budgie smuglers*

    • Caroline Harrison

      This was marvelous.

    • Max

      You need to do this for every round.

    • Eliza

      George Clarke commentary is 10/10.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      She don’t know nothing about my Greg

  • AndySynn

    Travesty!

  • This is so degrading and objectifying. Just wait until tumblr hears about this.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      This is disgusting, indeed. I bet Joe and his pals support white genocide

  • Ike The Spike(KJM)

    eewwww

  • JWG

    Lack of POC representation all up in this side of the tourney too.

    At least this time then token pick isn’t as clearly unfairly matched and set up to lose.

    • Howard Dean

      Proof of Concept? Point of Care? Particulate Organic Carbon?

      On a serious note: To be fair to the writers/editors/compilers of this contest, since they are pulling from metal/hard rock artists it’s not surprising that the majority of contestants are caucasian, since the genre is heavily weighted with caucasian artists. If we did this contest for R&B or hip hop or Qawwali I would expect the majority of contestants to be POC.

      • JWG

        I suppose I should do my part to expose more of the Asian and African metal scenes to regular press/scrutiny.

        I’d probably go and do something dumb like focus on their musical ability instead of looks, though.

        • What’s the point of listening to a band if it’s not full of hot boys

          • JWG

            I’m sure there’s a similar logic applied to an all-girl band whether or not they had a guy vocalist (“they’re Male-Fronted!”).

          • I mean I’m mostly just joking, but being attractive (dude or chick) doesn’t hurt

          • JWG

            I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been accused of being attractive…

            But I agree with you with respect to others.

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover
      • Hans

        Pictures Of Cocks?

    • Kiko is Brazilian and I can’t find Chrileon’s character sheet, so I can’t remember if he’s a human or an elf (p sure it’s human)

    • Guacamole Jim

      Pretty sure the “token pick” to which you’re referring is winning the match in the other bracket.

    • Sir Ukkometso The Based

      Caller Of The Storms is a hunk.

  • tigeraid

    Man. Kiko is my new waifu.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    You sonsabicches.

  • Howard Dean
    • I despise AAL but Tosin is gorgeous

    • Stockhausen

      This was top men.

  • QUORTHON VS ERIC ADAMS IN THE FIRST ROUND!? WHAT THE FUCK

    • Howard Dean

      For real, I thought the same thing. That’s pretty fucked up.

      • Both had a pretty solid chance of advancing against most of the rest of the bracket, but against one another? dang

        • Howard Dean

          It’s like if Hector and Achilles fought each other on day 1 of the Trojan War.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            Dude. You get all the points for that reference.

    • Max

      It was pretty unfair, wasn’t it? (To us, I mean.)

  • Guacamole Jim

    Who knew anyone from Finntroll was good looking? I like the band, and I didn’t even know that!

    Also, obligatory oily muscled dude:

    https://uncletnuc.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/kane-5.gif?w=463&h=415

  • Hans

    ffs how did I not see Clarke coming a mile away

    • JWG

      Invisibility cloak. He is the pink wizards.

      • Hans

        Makes sense. Bet he uses it to stealthily ruin metal.

  • Stockhausen

    Greg vs. Tommy in round 1 is cruel. Had to go with Tommy, although I like his short hair better.

    • I only voted for Tommy because we share a name. Otherwise, dad bods and muscles wins for me

    • AndySynn

      So Greg is more of a “babe” (yeah, I said it) but I’ve never quite gotten over the weird screed he wrote for MetalSucks many, many moons ago, where he ranted that speed limits on roads were just another way for “the government” to control us.

      Weirded me out.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      But Greg tho

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    This poll is entirely irrelevant because it does not include Kip Winger

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Mrs. The Ross wants to know where Hansi Kursch is.

  • Megan Alexandra

    Bill steer is an eternal babe

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      I’m not gay, but I wouldn’t mind waking up next to Bill Steer every morning

    • Max

      Ken Owen wasn’t bad in his youth, either. In fact, apparently the girls loved him even more than they loved Bill. (That said, I don’t remember any girls at the Heartwork-era gig I saw; so it’s a moot point.)

  • Tobias was way too hot for this contest anyways https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-y3CMlvrkN0

    • The Mighty Thorange

      I fucking love Edguy. And Tobias seems like a hilarious guy.

  • Howard Dean

    I’ve heard that the Norwegian Bret Michaels (from the band One Tail, One Head) is pissed about getting left out of the contest. Trve Norwegian Do-Rags!

    https://www.metal-archives.com/images/9/3/8/6/9386_artist.jpg?2419

    • He kind of looks like the type of kid who would force you to always use his shitty mad catz n64 controller when you came over

      • ¡Jajajaja!

      • Howard Dean

        I’ve always gotten a kick out of him because he’s all trying to look like he’s in Poison c. 1987 and the rest of the band is this uber serious BM band that performs covered in pig’s blood and shit. Hahaha.

        • Dumpster Lung

          Oh wow, I would not have guessed that hahaha.

          I always thought Joel Grind looked very hair metal-ish, but that’s just his hair 😛

    • Dat neckbeard

      • Howard Dean

        “It’s not a neckbeard, it’s a shadow! I swear!”

    • Dumpster Lung

      You just compared him to Bret Michaels. Case closed.

  • HessianHunter

    Anyone who votes against Tosin Abasi in any stage of this competition is fucking dead to me

    • Sir Ukkometso The Based

      uh-oh spaghetti-o’s

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    So, God himself Bill Steer is losing against some overly dressed kid who has written some of the most boring music known to man? What the fuck?

    • It’s about fuckability, not riffs.

    • Why are you bringing music into this?

  • voted George Clarke ironically. i don’t find him sexier than Adam Jarvis, but i think it’d be funnier if he won. (good thing most people didn’t do the same, i don’t think i actually want him to win.)