You Pick the Sexiest Dude in Metal: Round of 32 (pt. 1)

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In our most titillating competition yet, YOU get to pick the sexiest dude in all of metal. Inspired by Revolver Magazine, who, against all odds and relevance, just published their annual collection of the “25 HOTTEST CHICKS IN HARD ROCK”, we’ve decided to reduce humanity to its basest, most bangable instincts. The TovH writing staff made our selections for 32 of our favorite heavy metal hunks and we’ve placed them all in sweaty head-to-head competition against each other for our own carnal amusement. We’ve decided to include metal guys young and old, in addition to a couple of dearly departed, especially sexy dudes. Which hottie will take home the crown of Sexiest Dude in Metal? It’s up to you, the reader. Make your picks and then put your bold predictions for the tournament in the comments.

Peter Steele (Type O Negative)

Our only participant to appear in the pages of Playgirl Magazine, Peter Steele was a 6′ 7″ stack of gothic handsomeness.

VS.

Tim Lambesis (As I Lay Dying, Jail)

Though he may have developed some minor gynecomastia since getting off the juice due to an extended prison stay, no one can deny that Tim Lambeezy cut a swole, rugged figure in his prime.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Peter Steele vs Tim Lambesis

Troy Sanders (Mastodon)

With the kindest eyes in all of metal, the Mastodon bassist is truly our white whale, holy grail.

VS.

 Teemu Mäntysaari (Wintersun)

The sexiest Finn in our competition, Teemu is both handsome and patient (if dealing with Jari Mäenpää is any indication).

 
This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Troy Sanders vs Teemu Mäntysaari

James Pligge (Harms Way)

Straightedge AND swole? The Harms Way behemoth’s muscles are a thing of beauty.

VS.

George Lynch (Dokken, Lynch Mob)

George Lynch is both a master guitarist and a beloved internet commenter. Somehow this shredder just gets sexier with age!

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
James Pligge vs George Lynch

Jeff Loomis (Nevermore, Arch Enemy)

This Midwestern blonde has thrilled audiences for 30 years with his tasty licks and long blonde locks.

VS.

Nergal (Behemoth)

Adam “Nergal” Darski has been charged with counts of blasphemy AND stealing our hearts!

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Jeff Loomis vs Nergal

Dave Mustaine (Megadeth)

This sultry redhead may have a sordid past but he knows that sex sells… and we’re buyin’!

VS.

Fabio Lione (Rhapsody of Fire)

With long, curly locks and a penchant for epic fantasy, Fabio lives up to his male model name.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Dave Mustaine vs Fabio Lione

Rob Halford (Judas Preist)

The originator of the BDSM leather look in metal, Rob will always be our Turbolover.

VS.

Doyle (Misfits)

Somehow in better shape at the age of 52 than ever before, Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein can have our skull if he wants it.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Rob Halford vs Doyle

Chuck Schuldiner (Death)

Gone but far from forgotten, Chuck was a genre originator AND a total dreamboat.

VS.

Howard Jones (Killswitch Engage, Devil You Know)

One look at the former Killswitch Engage vocalist and we all experience The End of Heartache.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Chuck Schuldiner vs Howard Jones

Tommy Karevik (Kamelot)

As if fronting Kamelot wasn’t enough work already, Tommy spends his spare time as the sexiest Swedish firefighter.

VS.

Sebastian Bach (Skid Row)

Sebastian Bach is THE hair metal superstar who made your parents swoon in the 80s

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 13-06-2017 00:00:00
end_date 16-06-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Tommy Karevik vs Sebastian Bach

The full field of 32 has been revealed! Vote for the second half of the bracket right here!

  • tigeraid

    If Peter Steele doesn’t at least make it to the finals, this farce will rival the last farce.

    • I Totally Googled his Playgirl pics before, just to see.

      • tigeraid

        Who wouldn’t!

    • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse

      He’s currently losing to Lambesis, but then again, Lambesis has breasts…

  • Old Man Doom

    *crosses fingers for a bearded Ice Dale in the second bracket*

  • Fine Sexy Ladies

    Peter Steele will win. I refuse to believe otherwise.

    • Howard Dean

      “Peter Steele will always win. The dude is simply unstoppable. You can’t harm him. He’ll never die.”

      –RepostedTypeONegativeFan, circa 2009.

  • AndySynn

    I find my absence from this list disturbing.

    • Guppusmaximus

      -M.Shadows

  • Lacertilian

    Tough draw for Howard Jones.
    Harms Way vs Dokkenbro = no-one wins.
    Loomis also looks like a munted pig, gonna go against my will and vote Nerdgral.

    • Howard Dean

      Gotta give the edge to George Lynch because he can’t be defeated by a can of beer or pack of smokes.

      • Lacertilian

        I went Harm’s Way because at least the tattoos are a distraction. Lynch looks like he’s a walking advertisement for why mixing a combo of cheap strip club coke while drinking out of date 80’s coconut tanning oil and Jim Beam ruins lives.

        • George Lynch looks like the single neighbor down the road with a ’98 Corvette that he’s always working on. who mows his grass shirtless.

          • Lacertilian

            A real “How ’bout this weather, been hot lately hey sonny? Say Hi to ya Mum for me won’t ya” type operator

          • Freedom Jew

            I fail to see the drawback here.

          • if i play my cards right, i can be that man in 20 years

          • Howard Dean

            That dude parties.

          • i chortled heartily when i saw this last night.

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    Chuck is so handsome I may as well have leprosy

  • Howard Dean

    Snubbed again, and the people demand an explanation!

    #JusticeforMickMars

    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5f/Mick_Mars_2012.jpg/800px-Mick_Mars_2012.jpg

    • Mosh Hoff

      “Hey dude, your guitarist is melting.”

    • Freedom Jew

      Please do not sexually objectify my grandma.

      • Howard Dean

        She got really wet when I broke out the taped Matlock reruns and the Werther’s Originals.

        • Freedom Jew

          My grandma died a long time ago. That’s putrefaction, you sicko.

  • DoYouThinkHeSaurus

    You did it. You crazy son of a bitch, you did it.

  • Freedom Jew

    I want to see Sebastian Bach from 1988 and Peter Steele oiling each other up.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      I would pay money for this.

  • Joaquin Stick

    Doyle’s hair upsets me too much for no good reason.

    • Lord of Bork

      Not the fact that his skin looks like week old jerky? He looks more like a practical visual effect from Braindead than a human at this point

  • Hans

    This better not awaken anything in me…

    Some of these are tough. Are we considering Mustaine as pictured or the present-day version?
    That Teemu dude looks like Metal Stifler, can’t go for that.
    Currently struggling with Schuldiner v Jones and Halford v Doyle.

  • Freedom Jew

    Put Ragnar Zolberg in the other half of the bracket so he can just win it all.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c4929c547806815460c2024678ea09b17872781dd3e6339c5297582833ba2014.jpg

    • Joaquin Stick

      I saw him play with PoS a few years ago, he looked sad the whole time. Dude’s got no emotion.

      • Freedom Jew

        Well, he was playing PoS songs. What would you expect? He’s still hot af.

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        I saw them live and spent the set trying to figure out if that was a dude or a lady.

      • Óðinn

        Well he does have one emotion… sad. He’s sad because his homemade Slayer logo t-shirt turned out so crappy.

        Dude looks like he’s wearing eye makeup for no apparent reason.

    • Bucket ‘o Blood

      but he’s a stick

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    Fun trivia:

    5 years ago I had basically the exact same physique of James Pligge. Arms, shoulders, chest, back, traps…even the body fat…all eerily similar to what I looked like back then.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bbfcb5d08d5731954ca9020e17ca72ca26593b8df53619693cad794ec58d7606.jpg

    • We’re you juicing back then?

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Not something I like to admit openly, but:

        yep

        • It makes sense – it certainly looks like Harms Way bro has some chemical bloat. Not that I’m judging or anything. What a man wants to do to get swole is between him and god.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            After doing it for some time, I can say I won’t do it again and would advise against it though. Before I started juicing of course I read up on the detrimental effects and of course I just laughed them off…
            …but after a while some of those effects were for real.

          • Howard Dean

            “We’re militant straightedge, brah… well, apart for the Stanozolol and Dianabol.”

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I’d say D-Bol is the Five Finger Death Punch of roids: entry-level, shitty and too much exposure will cause body function failure (both in their own respective ways of course).

          • Howard Dean

            A dude I knew in college used to do cycles of D-Bol and Deca stacks. Not sure about the long-term health effects of such a combo, but I can’t imagine it’s good.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Back then we used to refer to D-Bol as “Liver Destroyer”. Anything related to methyl will take a beating on the liver. There’s a reason why D-Bol, compared to a lot of other cycles, is cheap as fuck.

    • Hans

      Sheesh, that neck puts Henry Rollins to shame.

  • Ike The Spike(KJM)

    All of them are ugly as fuck because men are gross. The End.

    • Ike The Spike(KJM)

      However, I will vote for Peter Steele to win any “best of” type polls because Pete is cool.

      • more beer

        In his words” no one wins we all lose”.

      • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

        I don’t understand how he’s losing. He should win the whole damn thing

        • Ike The Spike(KJM)

          Every Type O show I’ve been to was swarming with women. That’s gotta count for something.

          • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

            I can’t properly articulate the amount of jealousy I have for you seeing them live.

          • Ike The Spike(KJM)

            Old man iz old.

    • you just haven’t seen the right men. some of which are featured here today!

    • more beer

      This 100%.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Asking me to choose the sexier from Nergal and Loomis is like demanding I eat two turds and asking which would I like to devour again.

    • Hans

      Went with Nergal, I have a thing for eastern European accents I think

      • gacharicmeatspin

        Привет, как поживаешь?

    • Sir Ukkometso The Based

      Knowing that you are coprophile, this should excite you.

    • Jeremy Riegel

      ))((

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Rob Halford

  • Hans

    Are Skid Row and Misfits strictly Metal? If not, that opens the door for Appetite/Illusion-era Guns N Roses. Just sayin…

    • Hans

      But uhhh… they probably ended up in that Rolling Stone thing amirite lolololol

    • Óðinn

      Technically, is Guns n’ Roses even music though? Aren’t they just glam posers in tight pants?

  • Jeremy Riegel

    No Devin Townsend, not valid.

    • might show up in the other half!

      • Mosh Hoff

        I suggested him and Joe shot it down 🙁

        • did you suggest skullet Devy? he might have made it in.

        • For what it’s worth, we know Joe’s type now

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Dat because he looks like a goddamn Mamlukfish

  • Maik Beninton™

    I’m mad that this isn’t worst fanbase contest.

    • Sir Ukkometso The Based

      That’s not Black Veil Brides, you goof. That’s clearly Asking Alexandria.

      • more beer

        Whats the difference? Because I don’t know.

        • Sir Ukkometso The Based

          The other one is called Asking Alexandria and the other one Black Veil Brides. That’s all of my knowledge on this topic.

          • more beer

            They are both pretty much the same thing to me. Shit with a different name is still shit.

    • Hans

      There are dudes in that band? HIYYOOOOOOOOO

      • more beer

        No just bearded women!

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Jimmy plz!

  • Dougie Jones (Dale Cooper)

    (Deep breath)Breaking from character for a second, I fell off my chair laughing at the Tim Lambesis ent…. home…. call for help.

  • wow way to pick the shittiest picture of Fabio you could find

  • Max

    As a Judas Priest fan, Rob Halford is not a particularly striking man, but I must say that’s a very flattering shot of him.

    Quorthon, Bill Steer and Jeff Hanneman better be in the next round.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Lies, Halford is erotiQ.

      • Max

        When did I doubt his eroticity? He can lash me with his whip and ride roughshod over me on his bike anytime. Then he can sign my Painkiller CD.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          I figures ‘not a particularly striking man’ implied so.

          • Max

            You can be erotic without being striking. He’s not a handsome guy (not ugly, either); but yes he is erotic in some contexts.

  • Guacamole Jim

    It definitely feels like the right place to post this:

    http://giant.gfycat.com/TalkativeWelloffFunnelweaverspider.gif

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    As a way to preserve my masculinity, my female coworker answered the poll for me

    Thanks, Patti!

    • Howard Dean

      a/s/l Patti? Asking for a friend.

  • Óðinn
    • Ike The Spike(KJM)

      It don’t get any sexier than this.

  • Óðinn
  • The Mighty Thorange

    What? No love for Turisas’ Mathias Nygård? Seriously, I have a whole bunch of female friends who are fucking crazy about him, and honestly, even as a straight guy I see the appeal. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bdab9b031db3247581ab3623bb479e50012175f51949103bad62c195b58acf2e.jpg

  • Hotdog Clifford
    • Howard Dean

      This friggin’ fetal alcohol-looking manlet motherfucker.

  • Wet W’s Whistle

    “If George Lynch loses so help me God, I’ll delete my account.”

    – JJD

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I’m not making any promises like that.

  • JWG

    Needs more Semitic good looks, just to rustle the jimmies of TovH’s silent alt-right readership.

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/R_1Ie993Zv8/hqdefault.jpg

    • Howard Dean

      ToH has a silent alt-right readership? Is that legit intel or do you just hope that’s the case?

      https://media.giphy.com/media/3og0IMJcSI8p6hYQXS/giphy.gif

      • JWG

        I felt like I was commenting on MetalSucks fo a moment, so that came out.

        I added ‘silent’ and changed the name to this blog when I realized my error.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Yay, George Lynch is on there!

    • Howard Dean

      Dokken is a good band.

      –Sid Vicious Promos

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I saw Lynch Mob once and I enjoyed their performance.

  • Leif Bearikson

    Who is that horrible PS2 character you put up against Mustaine?

  • Thank you

  • Hammered-Heathen

    Warlord Nygard better be on the other side of the bracket. And probably Jonne Jarvela too!

  • Nina Osegueda

    I’m so happy with this.

  • CONAN Ayatollah of Jack & Cola

    ” i love atheist and spastik ink guy ” , this guy must be one of the toilets own. He asks me what kind of queer drinks JD with a soft drink ? I’ll just leave that here and let you contemplate the fucking idiots you have here.

    • Sir Ukkometso The Based

      I don’t think that’s one of our guys.

    • Lacertilian

      The fuck are you on about?

    • Howard Dean

      Some of Atheist’s old stuff is ok (Piece of Time, Unquestionable Presence) but I could never get into them in the same way I did the other Florida DM bands.

      Also: Whiskey/whisky is best served neat (or with ice if you’re the type that needs something to smooth the bitter edge).

      • The Mighty Thorange

        Never serve whisky with ice. Two or three drops of water is all you should need. You can drink whiskey any way you fucking want though. It doesn’t matter with that one.

        • Howard Dean

          I personally don’t ever use ice in my whisky. I listed it solely as a slightly more respectable alternative to diluting with soda.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            That’s the way to do it! I will admit to getting quite puritanical when it comes to whisky. Nothing beats a good quality single malt. Bourbon can fuck right off. It isn’t real whisky.

          • Howard Dean

            You ever have American Rye whiskey? At one point it was the whiskey of choice in America, but it was nearly killed off by Prohibition. It’s having a revival of sorts here in the U.S. It’s less sweet than Bourbon, with a bitterness more in line with Scotch whisky (though without the same degree of earthiness as Scotch). It’s pretty solid stuff.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            The sweet taste is the reason I am not a fan of bourbon but rye whiskey definitely sounds better. I will keep a look out but I can’t say I have seen that kind over here.

          • Howard Dean

            Yeah, it’s still kind of a niche market even here. It’s starting to become more widely available, but it was pretty much a dead market for like 70 years so it’s taking some time to grow.

            It’s not cheap, but probably the best American Rye being made right now is made by WhistlePig:

            http://whistlepigwhiskey.com/

          • The Mighty Thorange

            Yeah. Definitely a bit pricey for me right now. Sounds intriguing though, but I think I shall stick with the bottle of MacAllan 12 year old that I currently have somewhere.

      • CONAN Ayatollah of Jack & Cola

        ah, but one cannot forget the drink the of the mighty Lemmy.

      • CONAN Ayatollah of Jack & Cola

        if Lemmy drinks jack & coke it’s good enough for me !

      • BobLoblaw

        Elements is pretty solid as well.

  • spambot

    Why the hell isn’t Henry Rollins in this contest? Not metal enough for you eh? Shocking.

    • spambot

      …or maybe he’s just in the other bracket. Sorry

      • spambot

        But he isn’t! The butthurt! Damn you all!

  • spambot

    This entire band should be on the list. https://youtu.be/owkdI5FOsIk?t=3m10s

  • Eliza

    It’s finally time fro the most important contest ever
    http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/731/717/1c1.jpg

  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. You did it, Joe!

    “Adam “Nergal” Darski has been charged with counts of blasphemy AND stealing our hearts!”, jajajajaja!

  • Blair Herefrith
    • Dagon

      Julio Iglesias?

  • Angel

    Tommy Karevik’s photo is not good but he still has 1000+ votes!
    Jeff is hotttt!!!!!!