YOU Choose the Best Unsigned Band in the U.S: The Final Four

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Who will it be?

Today you are tasked with deciding which two bands will compete for the championship.

  • Last week was a slobberknocker with Destroy Judas pulling off an upset against Arctic Sleep, a band that had so far dominated each round. Perhaps this brand new Destroy Judas album swayed the voting public?
  • Lobster-state-denizens Sylvia likewise pulled off a surprise victory, just edging out Existem’s brand of Missouri prog.
  • Eternal Khan is on a gravy train with biscuit wheels since the start of this contest, handily dispatching every band in their path. Elephant Rifle fought bravely, but were ultimately smothered by the Very Old Mongol.
  • Blackgate continues to steamroll over the competition by gaining a big win over TovH editor-favorites Withering Light. Look away, lest you see our tears.

HOW IT WORKS:
Some people say that art isn’t a competition. Those people are losers. EVERYTHING is a competition. Here at the Toilet ov Hell, we’ve gone and declared the best unsigned band in each state of the union. Now we’re pitting these warriors against each other for the right to claim the ultimate prize: The title of Best of the Best. Which band will champion their state to glory? That’s up for you to decide.

Each state was seeded by population size. The 14 most-populous states received a first round bye. Today, 4 bands are battling it out for supremacy. Destroy Judas (CA), Sylvia (ME), Eternal Khan (RI), and Blackgate (MI). Voting for this round closes Sunday, September 28th at 5:00 PM CST.

bracket5


Destroy Judas (California) VS. Sylvia (Maine)

Destroy Judas – “Using a triple guitar attack, understated drumming that still pummels with the best of them, and vocals that roar with the fury of a angered lion, these fellows carve out epic mournful soundscapes that recall the best of Mouth of the Architect, Minsk, and even Mare (remember them?).”
(Read the full writeup) (Facebook)

Sylvia – “Sylvia offer varying speeds and tempos, accelerating to enable thunderous drum beats replete with furious guitar riffs that crush souls… before abruptly taking a foot off the gas to pummel you into submission with lurching, sinister breakdowns.”
(Read the full writeup) (Facebook)

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-12-2014 20:22:33
end_date 27-09-2015 17:00:00
Poll Results:
Destroy Judas vs. Sylvia

Eternal Khan (Rhode Island) VS. Blackgate (Michigan)

Eternal Khan – “This trio brings the consuming inevitably of doom and mix it with a heaping dose of ethereal black metal. T. Phrathep’s guitar rings with the type of tremolo soaked misery that conjures the heralding of legions of plague stricken malcontents shambling towards an unsuspecting village to ravage it to nothing. Bassist Nate Woods reigns as one of my favorite current vocalists in metal with a distinctive, articulate but still savage bark.”
(Read the full writeup) (Facebook)

Blackgate – “How often do you get to use the phrase “powerthrash”? Well, at least once thanks to the dudes in Blackgate. They combine some truly gnarly thrash riffs, vocals that soar like the endangered early 90’s version of the American Bald Eagle, and some infectious choruses to great effect. If you don’t find yourself grooving along or whipping out your best falsetto, there’s a solid chance you’re probably dead inside.”
(Read the full writeup) (Facebook)

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-12-2014 20:22:33
end_date 27-09-2015 17:00:00
Poll Results:
Eternal Khan vs. Blackgate
  • Maik Beninton™

    I really wanted a match between Arctic Sleep and Existem, damnit.

  • There’s a power metal band in the final four. Me right now https://d.gr-assets.com/hostedimages/1380437755ra/885129.gif

  • This is the TOH Never Ending Story.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gf1WT8VEZxk

    • Fuck, you’re telling me. 2 more rounds and my soul can finally be set free.

      • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

        When power metal finally wins, and you sprout Fabio Lione hair afterwards.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      What this whole unsigned saga has done to me. Given in to the cunting sadness.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vE8mFDabqD0

  • CyberneticOrganism
  • Mother Shabubu 8

    I don’t want any of these though…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWdfRRtAs3o

  • Disgustache

    Unrelated post here:

    I was blogging so hard that I fell asleep at the computer in my super kvlt ass favorite shirt. My girlfriend sent me this today to remind me of what I had done.

    Toilet of sleepy college students.

    https://dl.pushbulletusercontent.com/a4ZYYjYoujwdzIdaTAEvPZi2P0LvvPZ7/IMG_3173.jpg

    • whre is ur mustache?

      GL

      • Disgustache

        I have a disclaimer in my Disqus profile.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      A face only a shovel could love.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      “college” “goals” “aspirations” “fun” “sleep” “having a good time”

      • “being a dick on the internet”

        • “…every god damn day”

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            “old story is getting tired, get some new fucking material”

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          “being good at an instrument” “driving a car” “being a productive human being” “mega man was difficult” “having friends makes me a better citizen” “hugs not drugs” “old spice really doesn’t smell that great” “boredom breeds creativity” “I love being alive” “stars wars wasn’t that bad” “I like Black Sabbath’s Born Again album” “sometimes I pee sitting down, because the weight of the world is too heavy”

          • JJD Misses Witch Ripper

            “Bands that continue without having any original members”

          • Like In Flames?

          • JJD Misses Witch Ripper

            I’m sad now.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Or Napalm Death, Startovarius…

          • Those are things that enrages and make sad JJD.

          • Based Pingu

            But Napalm Death is good and Stratovarius is complete shit!

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Wow. We agreed. Almost.

          • Based Pingu

            So you don’t like Napalm Death anymore.

          • They changed. Not for the better in my opinion. Just not the kinda grind they used to be obviously.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Strato made Elements.

          • Based Pingu

            And Elements sucks. I can understand that you don’t like modern ND. No problem. But I can’t understand that you like Stratovarius. That is a big no no.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Modern ND is fine. And a lot better than 90’s ND. And while Strato may not be the best pm band out there they have their moments. And Porra.

          • Based Pingu

            Strato had their moments, but they were all shitty moments. They really fit in with all the other pm bands.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Oh Pingu, you’re so Based. And wrong.

          • Based Pingu

            I am dead to right or wrong.

          • TAPIR IS IT YOV?

          • Based Pingu

            Vem är du?

          • u knoooo

          • Based Pingu

            Я не понимаю

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

            I definitely agree. I liked ‘Diatribes’ when it came out, but then again I was 15. I quickly forgot about it afterwards.

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

            Elements had a few good songs on there. Not nearly as good as Destiny or Polaris, though, by ANY means!

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth
          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

            Stratovarius has it’s original members. Just not Timo Tolki, and the singer didn’t join until the second album, I think. More or less it’s the same lineup, even though Tolki wrote 75% of the music.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            No original’s in a long time. Also, Tolkki was not an original member.

          • Based Pingu

            But Tolkki was in the band. Everything that has Tolkki = pure shit

          • OldMetalHead

            Awwww.

          • “Mega Man was difficult”.

            What a wimp.

            Go home and raise 10 kilos of rice sacks everyday until you grow up, boy.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            “having fun with friends hurts” “I like gang violence” “it’s fun to pretend people are worth being around” “sometimes late at night, I die a little inside” “synchronized swimming isn’t apologetic enough” “this shirt makes my life look fat” “every now and again, I just forget shit” “your hair looks great” “I’m a big fan of helping others” “its fun to volunteer” “hey what’s you major, bro” “the best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup” “the only thing you should get high on, is a mountain top”

          • I hear they cut off limbs if you don’t.

            http://i.giphy.com/JLNecFlPy0OA0.gif

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

            Sure you’re not thinking of child labor in Sierra Leone?

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Please. Those dorks actually think Kirk was better than Picard. Heck, they can’t even escape the dungeon without the Wizard Key! Buncha nerds.

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

            HEY NOW, I’m one of those nerds! I hated TNG. Patrick Stewart is an excellent actor, though, and loved him in Excalibur.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            From Season 3 on, TNG was excellent. Kirk was just lucky he had Spock(best character in Trek history) watching his back.

          • Based Pingu

            I disagree. Darth Vader was definitely the best Trek character. His story was so sad, man.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Nah, Harry Potter killing Sauron with the Ultimate Nullifier was a top 10 moment.

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

            Well, someone had to take care of things while he was hammering all that alien twat.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Kirk’s also lucky he had someone like Bones to figure out cures for all the exotic STDs he caught.

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth
          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

            Star Trek >>>>>>>>>>>>> Star Wars.

          • an image i THINK i got from you many moons ago

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

            Haha yep, that was me!

          • “Peeing in the shower” “Peeing out the back door” “Peeing in the sink” “Peeing upside down” Peeing out my butt” Peeing in my mouth” “Peeing in a volcano” “Peeing in love” “Peeing to the oldies” “Peeing in car” “Peeing down the stairs” “Peeing up the stairs” “Peeing in the fridge” “Peeing in my beer” “Peeing while doing cart wheels” “Peeing on the toilet paper roll” “Peeing on a boat” “Peeing in a kangaroos front pocket” “Peeing while doing everything and on everything because the possibilities are endless.

          • Dagon

            You’re only peeing on a boat because you’re living in a house boat.

          • Are you fucking kidding. Have you ever been on a boat for a day? You have to pee off of it at some point.

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth
          • Dagon

            Usually when I’m on a boat it’s because I got caught in a net

            🙁

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

            Sing all that to the tune of:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07P538K83iU

            (there definitely needs to be a pornogrind version of this song)

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            ‘Hot Line’ has some killer riffs though.

    • Aww, poor disgustache with no mustache and a drool.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3xsOeF-lU4

    • I missed the bus this morning to college because I fucking fell asleep while I was waiting for my toast to cook.

      • better than falling asleep whilst pizza cooks in the oven (yes, been guilty several times)

        • I don’t even have sleep as an excuse; I’ve just forgotten on several occasions that I was cooking pizza.

          I should be covered in 3rd degree burns.

          • honestly i can’t use sleep as an excuse. it was booze.

          • Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.

          • Based Pingu

            I can help with the burns
            *takes gasoline and a match*

          • I’ll come back like Freddy Krueger and stab your ass with five blades.

            Noot not.

          • Based Pingu

            Like Freddy Krueger, huh? So, you’ve been killing kids?

          • No. But I would like to one day. When I am a dream-invading knife-handed ghost thing.

          • Based Pingu

            Freddy killed kids before he became spooky. It means that you have too.

          • Fine, you semantic prick. I kill kids. Okay? I killed one this morning, actually. Pushed him under a bus. Strangely, he was wearing a tuxedo . . .

            Oh, wait . . . that was a penguin.

          • Based Pingu

            I could’ve understood you killing kids. Heck, I would’ve even endorsed that. Fucking things are horrible! But killing penguins, that’s a paddlin’!

          • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

            You’re possessed by the ghost of Adam Lanza?

    • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

      *plays ‘Jizz In My Pants’ in the back*

  • JJD Misses Witch Ripper

    If Destroy Judas loses I shall weep.

  • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

    Sylvia & blackgate

    • JJD Misses Witch Ripper

      Destroy Judas and Blackgate are my choices.

    • Based Pingu

      *Eternal Khan
      FTFY

      • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

        Doesnt Finland use a Khan?

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Yes, she rules with an iron fist and we love her for it.

  • BIPPITTY BOPPITTY BLACKGATE.

    BOOM!

    GL

  • Stockhausen

    Destroy Judas? More like Destroy Sylvia, because I voted for Destroy Judas, and they’re going to destroy Sylvia in this round, which I why I said Destroy Sylvia, and which is also why you’re nodding your head in approval right now.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Like I told The Mightiest Joehova, if they win Judas won’t be the only thing destroyed. You sir, made the list.
      #GonnaWreckHeck

  • tigeraid

    Can you imagine if a power metal band wins this whole goddamn thing? I regret I have but one vote to give Blackgate. WAR POWER METAL!

  • My votes were sent to Sylvia and Blackgate.

    Have another Rare Voting Chávez:

    http://www.nicolasmaduro.org.ve/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/chavez-voto-tricolo.jpg

  • KJM, Doom Hunter General

    #TeamNewEngland #ToiletOvSylvia #KHAAAAAAAN!!

  • I don’t want to play anymore. I’m going home.

    • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth
    • Based Pingu

      What’s wrong, sugar pie?

      • I don’t like any of the remaining bands, that’s what’s wrong. DUH! You NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!

        • Based Pingu

          Sylvia and Eternal Khan are rilly guud. You should like them, fuckknob.

          • Die.

          • Based Pingu

            One day.

  • Celtic Frosty

    I’m still mad about Void Ritual.

    • Based Pingu

      Me too sis, mee too.

      • Me four.

        Four comes after too, right?

        • Based Pingu

          In the real math it does, not in the fake math controlled by ze marxist jews!

          • I thought fake math was controlled by the giant demon lizard Zolltax from the planet ArgomathagolgatronPxX99.

  • NefariousDude

    Fare thee well, warriors of the void

  • Waynecro

    All digits crossed for an Eternal Khan win.

    • Based Pingu

      It’ll be hard for me if both Sylvia and Eternal Khan make it. I don’t know which one to vote!

      • Waynecro

        That would be a tough call. We should mentally prepare ourselves in case the Toilet calls upon us to make that difficult decision.

  • pïgchop™
  • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth
    • Based Pingu

      You know why they lost? Because they’re straight TRAAAAAAAAAAAASSHHHHHHHHHHH

    • This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn’t it?

      • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

        Que?