It’s time to judge some
books crappy albums by their covers crappy album art.
We’re mercifully winding down the days of Listmania here at the Toilet ov Hell. We’ve covered the very best of the year from great albums, to great songs. Now we’re dredging through the very worst album covers that 2015 had to offer. Like film, heavy metal is often a very visual medium. Blood n’ gutz are common, as are epic fantasy landscapes, and dark symbolism. But sometimes artists fuck it all up; your existentialist concept album gets adorned with a prolapsed anus committing seppuku, and idiots on the Internet are forced to make fun of it. The writers of TovH (but let’s be clear, most of the work was done by 365 Days of Horror), found almost 100 terrible album covers. Excluding obvious shockbait (like this very NSFW gem), here are the worst of the worst.
There are many, many things I can (and will) poke fun at Kamelot about, but their worst offense here is false advertising. The cover of Haven looks like a flier for a mid-2000s guido EDM show. I can smell the hair gel and Sparks malt beverage by looking at this. Instead, you’ll crack this case open and find something far more embarrassing than Alice Deejay remixes: Kamelot’s music. One listen to the Celine Dion-ish strains of “Under Grey Skies” would make even the most outrageous blowout haircut flaccid.
Really, really disappointed by the lack of unnecessary Rob Liefeld pouches on this Lobo ripoff. The art for Groovy Massacre is so sublimely shitty that I had to check the band out. If you like the idea of Pro-Pain with sewer slam vocals and FUCKING AWFUL Eastern European rapping, CUMBEAST is the band for you. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.
This isn’t how airplanes or Jesuses work. If I cared to do even a modicum of research on this band (which I don’t), I wouldn’t be surprised to somehow find Mel Gibson involved.
I get the sense that this album sounds like Birkenstocks smell.
This is the last thing you see before you’re cellofucked to death.
The remains of J.R.R. Tolkien should be exhumed and hung on display as a warning to any other nerds that have ideas of creating worlds with wizards, and elves, and shit. His influence on fantasy has inspired more garbage art than the invention of the printing press. Weep, Tolkien. Weep at what thou hath wrought.
I actually really like the cover of Black Cilice’ Mysteries, but probably not for the same reasons the band intended. The stark minimalism here is supposed to represent a man alone in torment and isolation, but I just see a lil Gumby man having a hearty chuckle.
Not sure how this got here, because it is BAD. ASS.
It appears Megadave is taking a page from Dream Theater and releasing his next album as a video game. Dunno about you guys, but I’ve got low expectations for Assassin’s Creed: Islamophobia.
Behold, the terrifying future foretold by beating Clayfighters as Bad Mister Frosty.
Mister and Missus Pyramid Head are very disappointed in your grades. I just realized I made three video game references in a row. brb, shoving myself in a locker for all eternity.
There comes a time in every young person’s life when they will take mind-altering drugs and attempt to draw all the cRRAaAaZzZy things they imagine in their head. There comes a time in every young person’s life when they sober up and realize their drawings are shit. Momentum decided to release their terrible stoned drawing as an alternate album cover. Unfortunate, but hey, at least is wasn’t the official product. I’m sure the final art is way better.
Oh good grief, you guys.
U.D.O. obviously employed the services of a very talented graphic artist and yet still ended up on our list. This rich Satan fella looks like he’s ready to violate the shit out of me.
This is a prolapsed anus attempting to commit seppuku with a katana. On the scale of sentences-I-expected-to-ever-write versus a prolapsed-anus-attempting-to-commit-seppuku-with-a-katana, I give it a LOLBUTTZ/10.
Did we miss something? What is truly the worst album cover of the year?