World Metal News: Metallica, Tool, DsO, Khemmis, Iced Earth, WWF, Peter Jackson, and more!

There’s a growing outrage over the phenomenon of “Fake News”. Fortunately, every news story you’re about to read is 100% true.

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Metallica once again change the future course of metal, stunning the world by making the unprecedented move of releasing a full-length split with themselves.


A Spiral Autumnal keyboardist/flutist rallies against implementation of equal pay/equal work for live concerts after only briefly featuring on latest album’s interlude tracks.


Long standing underground label Ruptured Records makes a month of profit for the first time in its history after hiring overnight internet shop bootlegger to handle merch sales and promotion.


First recorded instance of Exhorder‘s The Law being sold to someone unaware of Pantera comparisons.

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Waning bestial/war metal label Black March passes mandatory conscription laws to fill ranks after heavy losses to attrition, heart-failure and angery reacts.


Khemmis achieve breakthrough, returning with easily the second best album of their career to widespread critical acclaim.

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4-piece prog-fusion metal act Jazzturb8 found to contain sufficient noodling to be officially referred to as a “quartet”.


Blackgaze band Starenoir arrested on-stage mid-song for loitering.


After months of calculations, woke af Tool fan reveals that the increasing time gaps between each of the band’s albums is following the Fibonacci sequence divided by 9 and then multiplied by 11, meaning the next album will be released in late 2074. Overjoyed fans react by dubbing it a masterpiece of musical progression, set pre-order sales records, and claim that detractors just “don’t get it”.

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Decibel confuse readers by releasing December issue in December.
Turmoil ensues.


Sole member of tech-death outfit Extracting The Micturition kicked out after drum machine achieves sentience and assumes control of the project’s future. New autonomously recorded album leaks, fans complain it sounds too similar to previous material.


Deathspell Omega add “DsO” to their list of influences in order to reach new fans.


5 year long undercover investigation reveals merch table actually glorified desk. merch-tables


Press release accompanying promo for seminal D-Beat band Anarchist Killer‘s first material in 21 years takes more time to complete than the album.


Local promoter books 3 supports for touring European black metal band, event runs smoothly as everything goes as planned.


Peter Jackson agrees to direct film clip for New Zealand-based Tolkien-themed medieval black metal band Dung Draugr. Buckles under pressure from the label to split the 3:12 minute track into 3 separate video clips released across 3 years. Fans revolt.

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Metal fan claims to read end of year lists for a purpose other than reaffirming his own taste.


Trump continues surprise cabinet announcements, appointing new 5FDP head-dong Phil LaBonte as chief social media advisor, duties said to include getting in touch with the thoughts and ideals of the dissatisfied millenial demographic, immediately telling them they’re wrong/hate freedom, and systematically blocking any dissidents.


Dad-rock band win 38 year-long battle for custody of their discography, allowing them to play their songs on Thursdays, Mondays (after 5pm), and every second Sunday.


Survey into low polling day turnout reveals thousands of disenfranchised voters found to have tuned out “all this annoying election talk” during the last few months by listening to their usual diet of politically charged grind and black metal.


World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) condemn live show antics of popular new Australian metalcore band ipunchedarooonce after viral video of drummer preparing for their first tour surfaces.


USA lifts decades long embargo with several volatile former Soviet states, enters trade talks with the goal of swapping approximately 3.1 million generic stoner bands for 6 black metal groups in an effort to quell tension in the area.


Gatecreeper forced to shift several upcoming tour dates after local court rules the band name cannot come within 500 feet of any school.


Previously conservative-leaning Iced Earth frontman Jon Schaffer performs backflip and undertakes string of appearances across alt-right media positing the world desperately needs to work towards combating global warming by reducing atmospheric CO² concentrations back below 370ppm, a level not seen since 1998, the year coinciding with his band’s last worthwhile album.

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Marshall allegedly working on a grind-specific amp model capable of producing 26 different types of feedback complete with zero tone settings.


Fans of atmospheric post-metal act eMotive excited after band announce they’ll be moving a new direction following their breakthrough first album – obscurity.


Pizza thrash band Supreme Do(ugh)mination kicked off stacked Salami Tsunami tour (feat. Municipal Waste, Lich King, Condition Critical, Havok etc.) after vocalist goes on mid-concert anti-pineapple rant.


After news surfaced of an alleged studio scuffle with other instruments over recording volume discrepancies, Lars Ulrich‘s snare said to have demanded personal trailer for the band’s upcoming international tour.

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Antifa protests at recent NSBM-affiliated Hatred Heritage festival backfire as their presence triples traditionally dismal attendance figures to a record of 39, thereby increasing interest in future events.


(Image viavia, via, via, via, via)

  • Jom Pootersan

    “Metal fan claims to read end of year lists for a purpose other than reaffirming his own taste.”

    ded

  • Pentagram Sam

    Random thoughts: The dad rock and Jazzturb8 made me lol.

    Re: Iced Earth- I dig em, love their shit from inception up to Alive In Athens, like the Stu Block era too. But damn, since the last lineup shake, the avg age other than Jon n Stu is like 26.

    I think it’s safe to say Jon is basically recruiting soldiers and if you join Iced Earth as a young chap, realize it is to A. get shitloads of live touring experience all over the world and see if you can do 250 days on per album cycle B. minimal recording (Jon does all guitars but solos) C. minimal creative contribution D a paycheck and lastly, E. A GOOD FUCKING NAME on your resume as a working musician.

    Were I a younger fellow I’d do it in a flash knowing I’m prepping for the future, but know I’m there to follow orders.

    • tigeraid

      I can’t help but feel it’s a personal troll to me. Despite my hatred of Jon’s political leanings and their meh-output lately, I REMAIN ICED EARTH SUPER FAN FUK U LIZARD.

      • Pentagram Sam

        It’s almost like Springsteen to me. There’s this great era of music (73-86) then the rest is kinda overshadowed by politics.

        Question: Why are alot of metal bands bad with political shit? (cue mass outpouring of examples of why I’M WRONG) Either it feels heavy handed sometimes (Stratovarius save the whales) or straight up ILLUMINATI (Mustaine and now Schaffer)

        • Dumpster Lung

          Even having had no knowledge of Schaffer’s political leanings, I had a hard time really getting into anything Iced Earth’s done in a long time. When I wanna hear their stuff, I’ll probably just put on Night of the Stormrider and leave it at that.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            FIGHT ON GRAB ON

          • Dumpster Lung

            I was also very fond of “THIS IS THE PATH–THAT I–CHOOSE!”

          • Abradolf Lincler

            or do the trve thing, put on Demons and Wizards instead

          • Pentagram Sam

            Bonus points for the second album being all about that Dark Tower shit. For the most part. Moby Dick is in there too or something.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            its just the best of Both Worlds because you get ribs and you get Hansi in there as well

          • Abradolf Lincler

            riffs

          • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

            I’m a huge fan of that band. They’re named after a great album.

          • Dumpster Lung

            I actually pulled up their first album at some point this year. It’s been several months, was probably back in the spring, but I hadn’t listened to them since around high school. Good stuff.

        • RustyShackleford

          You’re not wrong lol. It’s a major turn off sometimes because I feel like if I don’t agree and the artist/band is very outspoken, I truly don’t feel like listening to them anymore.

        • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

          I love Springsteen. I’ve seen him 8 times.

      • RustyShackleford

        I feel the SAME way. I love a lot of their records. I went to the Adrenaline Mob cd release concert (stfu I was in high school I like Mike Portnoy) and in comes Jon Schaffer wearing his Confederate flag trucker hat in Downtown Manhattan. Totally didn’t recognize him and thought he was just a dumbass redneck till someone told me it was him.

    • Jack Rabbit

      Just throwing this song out there cuz its amazing
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEjgufCXQk8

  • *madcap chortling*

  • tigeraid

    “returning with easily the second best album of their career to widespread critical acclaim.”

    God dammit lizard.

    • He drinks your tears.

    • Joaquin Stick

      I’d say the albums are about tied in goodness?

      • tigeraid

        I can live with that, even though I find Hunted just simply more listenable.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    yoo, that video of that dude mike tysoning that roo is one of the funniest shits ive seen in a while

    • Al Bundy

      dat Roo’s reaction tho. It was like ‘What the fuck just happened’

      • Abradolf Lincler

        the clip superimposed with fallout targeting system is the best

        • Al Bundy

          I’ll look it up. It’s really amusing to me that the punch was actually really unnecessary because the dog was already free, but the guy is like ‘in for a penny…’

          • Abradolf Lincler

            i think it was more of a fight or flight thing at that point. and he clearly chose the manly way out. that roo coulda de-nutsacked him in a heartbeat

          • Al Bundy

            Yeah true. I don’t think I would have the stones to do it.

  • Space Monster W.

    So much shade tossed around. Love it. That video of that dude punching the roo is nuts.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Exhorder and Peter Jackson received a hearty chuckle.

    • Al Bundy

      Pantera ripped of Exhorder? People need to be told about this.

      • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

        brokeNCYDE is a better Heavy Metal Band than Pantera.

        -Lel Wyane, 4 months ago

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          I will slay you repostedavengedsevenfoldfan.

        • *[insert literally any other metal band] is a better Heavy Metal Band than Pantera.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            this is worse than Facebook

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            I WILL CUT YOUR LEGS OFF, FOLLOWED BY YOUR HEAD! YOU ARMLESS BASTARD!

          • GL

            Boss be all liek –>
            http://i.imgur.com/rytHAMW.gif

          • Howard Dean

            That’s the stuff of nightmares, right there. Fucking things are scary.

          • HOW DID YOU KNOW I AM AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK? WHO DO YOU WORK FOR??

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            I WORK FOR TRUE METAL!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
          • Howard Dean
          • Sure.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Hahahaha. True too.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            this is where my love of GBK fights my love of Pantera

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            I could never tell you were a Gourmet Burger Kitchen fan.

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            I know you collect records, do you have any Gourmet Burger Kitchen albums?

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Nah, not yet. the Drakkar reissues look tasty but I fucking hate picture discs. I’ll probably just get a used copy of their second album.

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            Yeah, everyone is losing their shit about those not hitting HHB yet. I can’t stand picture discs myself. I have Judeobeast Assassination
            on standard black vinyl and have Mocking the Philanthropist on CD. Still waiting for Drakkar to reissue those demos.

          • Howard Dean

            I only like Pantera for the confederate flags and Phil’s white power leanings.

      • ME GORAK™✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

        LATER!!!!!!! THE NEW BIG’UNS IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOOTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • Al Bundy

          HOOTERS! BEER! HOOTERS! BEER!!!

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        They did not.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

      • more beer

        I thought this was just common knowledge.

  • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

    kitties are like my criptonite

    -MrsTeenagewiccan, 2 months ago

  • Local promoter >>>>>>>>

  • Howard Dean

    Thumbs up for “Dad-rock band win 38 year-long battle for custody of their discography, allowing them to play their songs on Thursdays, Mondays (after 5pm), and every second Sunday.” Children of divorce everywhere laughed in unison with me. Or they cried. I dunno. There were tears shed. Mine were from laughing, I swear.

    Also: Defeated Sanity actually did “the full length split with yourself” thing this year.

    • Space Monster W.

      Also Kiss did the four-way split-ish thing.

      • Howard Dean

        I’m not all that familiar with Kiss and their discography. Which album was that?

        • Scrimm

          It was 4 of the albums that sucked

          • Gonna have to be more specific here

          • GL

            low fruit gotta be picked

          • Scrimm

            Not sure that’s possible

          • GL

            offtopic, this song is too fucking catchy… and dumb.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEwnfhuPJGs

          • Howard Dean
          • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

            I hate Kiss as well. Gene Simmons can go fuck himself.

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            [Sung In The Key Of Gene Simmons Counting Money]

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXp_5Exm-kQ

          • KyleJMcBride

            I like classic 1970s KISS. However, Gene Simmons can go fuck himself.

          • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

            Gene’s a terrible human being

          • KyleJMcBride

            Why yes, yes he is.

          • tigeraid

            I don’t think I could possibly hate a band more than I hate KISS.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            70s KISS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • Pentagram Sam

            I like Ace more than Kiss and what I like about Ace is his three pup LP. Kinda felt a little fart-tastic when I found out he only has the bridge pup wired but ah well. Still the 3 pup look, combined with Steve Clark from Def Lep (fully functional tho he put on a Kahler) got me hooked. 3 pup LPs 4 lyfe

          • GL

            You just keep digging that hole deeper… and deeper… and deeper…and derper…

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Scrimm plz!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Oh fuck are we talking about PISS?

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            DAMMIT KING!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Sorry bro. There is damn near nothing redeeming about them. And I tried to check them out, like them, etc. But it’s just not there. Mediocre band with mediocre songs. And Kiss Alive, which put them on the map, was heavily overdubbed after the fact. There are just too many strikes against them.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            But, listen to that RIFF
            https://youtu.be/mmHZ9vrcgxA

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yeah, that’s a riff, but not good.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            humph

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Sir Lord Baltimore’s first album alone crushes the entire Kiss catalog.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            WOMAAAN! YOU ARE THE MASTER HEARTACHE!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Great band and album. You’re alright, King.

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠
          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yes.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            BRB, gonna go start a Kiss tribute band named PISS

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            You’re welcome! And the ironic part is that PISS is actually good.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Wanna join? You don’t even have to play, as long as smoke and lights come out of your guitar

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Perfect.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          They did solo-ish albums, name after each of the member

          • Space Monster W.

            Right. Late 70s. Not exactly a split, but one solo album per artist.

            The interesting thing is that the records were in truth a contractual obligation with their record label. They each had to release a solo album.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Really? I always figured it was what KISS is sort of known for – Ego(n Spengler).

          • Space Monster W.

            They marketed it as a “way to ease rising tensions in the band,” but it was contractual.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            You live, you learn. And not a bad thing here.

        • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

          Their 4 solo albums. I hated all of them.

          • KyleJMcBride

            Nah, the Ace album was great.

          • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

            I prefer his Frehleys Comet work.

          • KyleJMcBride

            Breakout is a decent jam, but it’s almost the same band on both projects.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            KEVIN NASH PLZ!!!
            Space Ace’s album was so good I have two buttons on my vest!

          • Space Monster W.

            >Insert snide Richter comment here.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            >insert STEEL

          • ewe

          • Space Monster W.

            I’m not that cheap a date, Boss.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa
          • Howard Dean

            As bad as Old Milwaukee?

            More like … MOOOOOOLD Milwaukee (maniacal laughter).

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            I bought a 30 pack of Old Milwaukee for 8 dollars once. The store had it on discount because it was dropped. The packaging was taped back together basically. We drank that shit in a day. So nasty. A 30 pack of that piss is still not worth that much money though.

          • Howard Dean

            Yeah, that shit is only good if you have the one goal of getting hammered for cheap. I remember routinely buying the cheapest 30 racks of beer back in college (though never for $8, that’s a pretty awesome score)–usually whatever shit the store was trying to get rid of that week: Red Dog, Schaefer, Milwaukee’s Best Ice, Natural Ice. Hell, I can still taste the bacon cheeseburgers and sour burps/vomit if I think hard enough.

            I almost dry heave reminiscing like that.

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            Doesn’t help when it’s piss warm either.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Seeing as it is piss, that seems appropriate.

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠
          • more beer

            This is correct.

    • Gotta love those ole dad rock bands. Clinging to their old legacy as if holding onto dear life itself. Pleasing the 50-something year old white folks from the suburbs. Releasing the occasional album of new material purchased by one man alone, but which receives a great score on the Dad Rock Revue.

      • GL
        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Y&T is probably a little too obscure to be considered dad rock.

          • GL

            Interesting that they (he) can still make a living touring though, being that they were not all that huge. You a fan?

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Never really checked them out. Always wanted to.

          • GL

            If you do, Earthsaker (1981) is the one you want to listen to. 10/10.

          • GL I’m going to try it out today.

        • RustyShackleford

          Dave Meniketti >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • GL

            Still have never seen him… Gotta get on that. They usually come through Cleveland every other year or so… it is just a little too far away.

          • RustyShackleford

            Plus when you get there you have to be in Cleveland lolololol

        • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

          I saw these guys once. I enjoyed them.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            You would.

  • GL

    That kangaroo was all like “U WANNA GO MATE?”
    maxlolz

  • Joaquin Stick

    Hmm. I am kind of suspicious about what those commie states are going to do with all those stoner bands. Seems nefarious.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      It’s a plot to keep their citizens in line. Stoned, and in line, too busy smoking weed and listening to all the obligatory free concerts those bands are going to play, to succumb to filthy, filthy capitalism.

      • more beer

        Funny I have to participate in filthy filthy capitalism so I can partake in smoking weed.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          That’s ’cause you live in a filth capitalist country, oppressor pig. Come join the revolution and move to our glorious socialist paradise.

          • more beer

            Fuck that. I will stay here and stay high!

    • Space Monster W.

      Don’t worry, it’s not the Philippines.

    • Abradolf Lincler

      pretty sure they just get kidnapped and ransomed

  • Old Man Doom

    The DsO one slayed me

  • Nails announced the addition of a fourth member who will take over vocal duties exclusively. The name of that new member? You guessed it…Frank Stallone.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6eb20b0e5000820174a5efd538bc9dbdf6462472b81432d55dc7a1cf7ab31bb2.jpg

    • tigeraid

      thx Norm.

  • Waynecro

    “Blackgaze band Starenoir arrested on-stage mid-song for loitering.” Dead. Awesome work, Lacertilian!

  • Eliza

    At least we have a release date for the new Tool album.