Win a FREE Vinyl EP from Attan!

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Are you a clever and/or funny person? Probably not. Either way, here’s a chance to win a free vinyl record from an excellent band. 

Not too long ago I very positively reviewed the new EP from Norway’s ATTAN. I trust you all have been spin-kicking losers to those righteous tunes ever since. If you follow them on Facebook you’ll know that they’re running a limited vinyl pressing of that EP through their label, and the nonstop praise its gotten suggests that it would be wise to get your hands on one. That excellent artwork by Seana Reilly doesn’t hurt the cause.

Well today is a good day, because you have a chance to pick up that thing fo’ free. That’s right. Free 180 gram, black and white oil spill vinyl in your hands and killer music in your ears. ATTAN and TovH are teaming up to host the mightiest of battles, the most glorious of conquests that some may show valor, some may crumble in atrocious despair, and one will prove him/herself better than the gutted, ragged masses fallen to the wayside. This, warriors, is a misheard lyric contest.

How it works:

  1. Scroll down and listen to the excellent track from the EP, “Lost Words Of The Mothkeepers.”
  2. Don’t try to figure out what the lyrics are. Instead, mishear the lyrics and type up something hilarious that vaguely sounds like what they could be. The funnier-but-still-plausible it is, the better.
  3. You don’t have to do the whole song, but include a timestamp if you’re just doing a section.
  4. Leave your entry in the comments. We’re calling it closed 24 hours after this post runs.
  5. Sacrifice many goats/send me many dollars to increase your chances of winning.

After the 24-hour window, I will board the private TovH jet, fly to Norway to meet the dudes in the band, and we’ll sail heroically down a fjord while we clash broadswords (nothing sexual) over who we think the winner is. Once it’s determined, we’ll announce it on this post and get in touch via email with the winner. Give a thank you to ATTAN and their label Shels Music, and may the best warrior win!

With my stunningly average looks and sharp-as-a-tennis-ball wit, I would be an obvious winner. So while I can’t compete in this one, here’s a short example for you that starts at the first vocal entrance:

“This bright tie rips the spoon. This bright tie rips the spoon. What’s that? Our dinner’s broken. Our cat will never see to you too.”

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  • COAL GROHL

    this gon be fun

    • ULTRA RARE BLACKBEARD

      If there aren’t lyrics about barbeque now, I’m gonna be pissed

      • COAL GROHL

        “stickyyyyy fingerrrrrssss” 2:19

  • Speaking of vinyl, I know some of you were talking about the new Khthoniik Cerviiks album the other day. Iron Bonehead Production has a diehard version of the vinyl. That leather back patch looks pretty dank.

    I have yet to listen to this album. Going to try and fix that today. Just an FYI for yins.

    http://i122.photobucket.com/albums/o244/ibp666/2016-02-09%2015.56.55_zpsz30nsgx3.jpg

    • COAL GROHL

      damn you have this?

      • No sir. I’d like to hear it first.

        • COAL GROHL

          it’s a nice looking package.

          • Woah, bro.

          • COAL GROHL

            (nothing sexual)

    • ULTRA RARE BLACKBEARD

      Always love it when you get goodies like that

      • Sorry, I guess I should have specified that I do not own this. It was just an FYI for everyone that likes this band.

        • ULTRA RARE BLACKBEARD

          Im not on that train. I was just saying I like getting extras a my albums

    • Stockhausen

      Dang dude, that thing is the real deal. I want.

    • Stanley

      Speaking of vinyl…

      http://youtu.be/oGVMt54YXAY

      • more beer

        A classic to say the least!

    • RJA

      I’m not a patch kind of guy – but yes that back patch looks pretty sick.

      • I’m a sucker for patches. Hey, what Mutilation albums did you get?

        • RJA

          “Remains of a Ruined, Dead, Cursed Soul” 12″
          “Destroy your life for Satan” 10″ (what a title!)

          • Remains of a Ruined, Dead, Cursed Soul is my second favorite release by Mutilation! Good pick up, that’s a classic!

          • RJA

            I had Black Millennium and the 7″s they had already – was excited to buy the other 2 obviously. Don’t spend all that tax return on vinyl ok?

          • Ha, I hear that. I’ll do my best to resist.

  • 0:09: Desperate poo, reckless boobs. Desperate poo, reckless boobs.
    Cognac, and we are smoking, with no one who hits a tennis ball.

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      Desperate poo and reckless boobs? Sounds like a colorful way of describing a Cleveland Steamer.

      • I suppose trying to decipher the lyrics is like peaking into your own subconscious. Didn’t know all that was up there.

        • Salvador Dalí Lama

          It’s much simpler: I’m just a juvenile buffoon that likes laughing at sophomoric things. Like “tit mouse”, for example.

    • Stockhausen

      I NEVER smoke with one who hits a tennis ball.

  • 0:09 Desperate toooooys!!!! Where’s my spoooooooon!!!! Separate coooooooins!!!! Where’s my phoooooooone!!!! What’s up we’re always token! What’s up we’re gonna pet you hard!

    • Eh, mines sort of similar to Joe’s. I tried, now death.

      • Stockhausen

        Depends what…animal…you’re talking about what.

        Wait, no it doesn’t.

        Never mind.

    • Stockhausen

      Bonus points for petting hard.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Seriously cool artwork.

    • It looks like something Antediluvian or Vassafor would use on one of their album covers. Check out some of the dank artwork of theirs. Killer stuff.

  • I’ll say that on tour we had a really fun time listening to classic rock stations on the radio and coming up with new words to sing to Boston, Steve Miller, and Tom Petty songs. Much entertainment while on the dusty ol’d road.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I’ve always wondered why Steve Miller used the word pompatus. It’s not a real word but it’s in The Joker.

      • Perhaps he was high.

        • Stockhausen

          Not possible.

          • When you’re right you’re right Stocky. What was I thinking!?! I wasn’t!

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          That’s probably the case.

        • RJA

          There is way too much Steve Miller talk around here. The NSBM I can deal with but any more Steve Miller and I may have to walk.

          • Understandable. Sorry I brought it up.

          • give this man three steps towards the door.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            That’s savage.

        • more beer

          Well he is a space cowboy!

    • Scrimm

      My dad and his were really good at that.

    • Waynecro

      When my family would take vacations to Las Vegas when I was a kid, the family-friendly parts of casinos (arcades, amusement parks, etc.) would often play really shitty music. Me and my brother used to come up with funny lyrics to those shitty songs. For instance, we changed the lyrics for some Nickleback song to be about a guy whose woman won’t blow him because he wipes back to front. Good times.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Did you get to go to the Nitro Grill in the Excalibur? WCW had a restaurant there until the end of 2000.

        • Waynecro

          No, but I rode the Elvira: Mistress of the Dark-themed magic motion machine and spent all my quarters playing House of the Dead.

          • Elvira >>>>>>>, HotD >>>>>>>>>>

          • Waynecro

            Goddamned right.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Lucky.

          • Waynecro

            For sure. We had a blast.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Here’s mine from the Steve Miller song Jungle Love. I always thought it was shotgun love but it’s actually jungle love.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Death rat tartar yeah! Terri laugh a lot death tartar.

  • 0:48:
    well like i forever wanted to talk to Sam, though i got no strength
    JUST NOT STRONG!
    where’s my clock? what did i say? cause it doesn’t make sense!
    god, i need some cheese ’cause i’m drunk and… i think it’s cheaper now!

    • Stockhausen

      Hahaha. Got a strong contender here.

    • Boss the Turbid Ross

      dammit. we just had to pick the same part of the song didn’t we.

  • 0:09 – Different turds!
    Rip my butt!
    Desperate for ex-lax mud!
    My stool will never soften
    My butt will never shit again

  • Owlswald

    0:29: We sweat the women especial, don’t do doses of Megatron, lead your whores to water, the bending will resonate, YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

    • Hey, reading the lyrics is cheating!

    • Stockhausen

      “Lead your whores to water,” haha. So close, yet so far.

  • Waynecro

    This contest is awesome (thanks!), and ATTAN kicks ass.

    • they sure do! i didn’t trust ole’ Stockhausen when he talked about them before…

      • Waynecro

        Great gym music. All that screaming motivates me not to be a wimp.

      • Stockhausen

        I never trust that guy.

  • Eliza

    From 0:00 to 0:40:
    “Despre tai, este tai, crește tăi, lesne, lesne
    Oastea oastea e mică, oastea, oastea
    Treptat e se valorizat
    E stepa, e stepă
    Toate atac uz modă
    Ciu ard
    Nu-i rost de moda
    Iuuuuuuuu….”

    • Stockhausen

      Whoa. What language is that?

      • Eliza

        Romanian. As I was raised speaking this language, it’s the language I mishear the lyrics in. I could’ve tried with English, but it wouldn’t have worked.

        • Fritz

          Ok, so this is the online translated version. Probably not so accurate, but still a good one.

          “About your is yours, increase your , easy , easy
          Small army is the army , army , army
          Gradually it is valued
          It steppe , steppe e
          All products Fashion attack
          Chu burn
          Do not get fashion
          Iuuuuuuuu …. ”

          Is that anywhere near what you are actually saying in your first comment?

          • Eliza

            Close enough. Here’s the best translation I can offer for that nonsense:
            “About yours, is yours, grows yours, easily, easily
            The army, the army is small, the army, the army
            Gradually is valued itself
            It is prairie, it is prairie
            All attack use fashion
            Chu burn
            There’s no point fashion
            Iuuuuuuuuuuuu”
            I couldn’t stop smiling while writing this. 😀

          • Boss the Ross

            Haha, that’s some goofy shit right there!

          • Eliza

            I know! That’s why I love these “misheard lyrics” stuff, you always get hilarious results.

          • Boss the Ross

            I like how you utilized your native language in this contest.

          • Eliza

            I couldn’t have done it any other way.

          • Boss the Ross

            True

        • Stockhausen

          That’s really cool!

          • Eliza

            If you say so. XD

  • COAL GROHL

    0:00 – 3:27

    OOH WAH AH AH AH!

    OOH WAH AH AH AH!
    OOH WAH AH AH AH!
    OOH WAH AH AH AH!
    OOH WAH AH AH AH!
    OOH WAH AH AH AH!

  • Guacamole Jim

    0:19

    What’s that! The dinner spoken?
    We got your pillow sand, and it’s WHORE
    So I’ve been seven and they like this
    Mexico: too LOUD
    What’s what? The way it’s master
    Tip the doctor’s manic tribe
    WE HAVE LOST TWO HYMEN
    The vermin will lost a light!
    Yeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!!!!

    https://graffeg-paragonconsultan.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Dolfor-Yew-6×7.jpg

    • Guacamole Jim

      Disclaimer: I actually didn’t read Stocky’s interpretation, so I apologize for my use of “What’s that” and “dinner”. I SWEAR I DIDN’T RIP IT OFF.

      • Stockhausen

        You redeemed yourself with WE HAVE LOST TWO HYMEN. Well done, 5/7

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt

    Not particularly funny, but at 20:53, my brain cannot unhear: “…no longer crispy by textures,I am slowly becoming stone.” https://youtu.be/vvWul-f65kE?t=20m53s

  • sweetooth0

    DESPERATE TURD!
    RIPS ASS BURNS!

    DESPERATE TURD!
    RIPS ASS BURNS!

    Wet down, with innards broken, ripped out, we never said it is cool
    Ass burnt out, from 7-11, stench will gorge you OUT!!!
    0-29 sec

    keeping with our toilet theme here

    • Stockhausen

      Ooh, nice!

  • Boss the Turbid Ross

    0:49-1:08
    Leftover after wedlock
    Time to steal the taco sauce
    THESE SPARE BUNS!!!!!!
    These spare buns upset the kitten outside
    God rest the chief, said broken
    I’m relieved until right now
    I’m planting lilies and iris flowers
    Telling all the women I got big dick

    • Boss the Turbid Ross

      Second entries okay?
      2:04
      FIINGERRRRR!!!
      Finger of love.
      FIINGERRRRR!!!
      Finger of Blood
      FIINGERRRRR!!!
      Finger on the floor
      FIINGERRRRR!!!
      Finger to play
      FIINGERRRRR!!!
      Finger of mud
      FIINGERRRRR!!!
      Finger of blood UUUUHHHHHHHHHH!!!

    • i think we did good picking that part. yours rules!

      • Boss the Ross

        Thanks man!