Who Should Replace Ivan Moody in Five Finger Death Punch?!?!

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The big music news of this week revolved around Worst Metal Song of All Time winners Five Finger Death Punch. For those not in the know, a quick recap: due to various complications during a FFDP performance in Tilburg, Netherlands, Ivan Moody, the band’s vocalist, quit mid-performance. He is rumored to be returning to rehab and has been replaced by something called a “Tommy Vext” in the interim.

This is not the first time Ivan Moody left his band in a lurch. If you’ll recall, Moody quit the band last year mid-performance and had to be replaced by fellow adult baby Phil Labonte for the remainder of their tour. What’s a band to do? Five Finger Death Punch is a huge money-maker in an industry that has few big, profitable bands left. There’s no way they hang up their novelty dog tags and call it a day just because Moody is unreliable. Instead, the FFDP boys have the unenviable task of finding a new red-assed idiot capable of respecting the troops AND hawking Monster energy drinks simultaneously. Allow us to suggest a few candidates.


That Chode from King 810

David Gunn has the requisite amount of premature balding and impotent tough guy posturing to be a perfect replacement for Ivan Moody. Like Moody, the King 810 also has a penchant for waving around guns and writing lyrics about being extremely bad ass. Can he move away from sing-rapping and match Ivan Moody’s trademark growl-sing? Literally no one cares!

Toby Keith

Rather than simply replacing their current vocalist, FFDP can upgrade their marketing potential by finding a new vocalist even more jingoistic than their last! Toby Keith has proved himself over his three-decade career as the lowest common denominator in music. What better way to aggressively target the lucrative military spouse market than adding another armed services enthusiast who also never served? Executives, take note: FFDP + Toby Keith = $$$$$$$$.

Martin Van Drunen

He’s better than this, but I’d like to see him make that FFDP money.

A Gun

Bald, loud, and symbol of American decline? I can’t think of a more appropriate replacement.

Who would you like to see replace Ivan Moody in Five Finger Death Punch? Let me know in the comments.

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  • It’ll probably be Dave Grohl. That fucking guy shows up everywhere.

    • Vault Dweller

      You’re not wrong, bruh. Five Finger Dave Punch it is.

  • Eliza

    His vocals and this are equally enjoyable for me, so it fits.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIaFtAKnqBU

    • Joaquin Stick

      Stevie Nicks?

      • Eliza

        I’m neutral on this comment.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        Kudos for the South Park reference

  • Joaquin Stick

    Replace all members with the Thumb Thumbs from Spy Kids so that their name is actually kinda cool.
    https://cdn1.thehunt.com/app/public/system/zine_images/4233895/original/38a12a17f1613dadf4365774cdc8c715.jpg

    • Eliza
    • Megadead™

      Five Thumb Death Punch? What’s cool about that?

      • Eliza

        It is what nightmares are made of.

      • Joaquin Stick

        You know, they call them fingers, but I’ve never seen them fing.

  • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

    IZ NOT MOTROGATOR A THING AGAIN????? THEY COULD GET DOOD WHO REPLACE HIM IN THAT!!!!!!!!!!

  • Dental_Damnation

    Scott Stapp makes the most sense

    • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

      HE NOT DEAD???

    • built-in audience of Christians
      built-in audience of hard rock fans who don’t want challenging music
      sooooooo many stacks to be made!

    • Kicking myself rn. You’re right.

    • Eliza

      An evil of that caliber must not be unleashed upon this already suffering world.

    • Megadead™

      Only after battling Wes Scantlin for the spot.

      • Eliza

        What a battle of the ages that would be.

        • Megadead™

          Battle of the ages…..or an embarrassing bar brawl followed by countless bro-hugs and love confessions. You never know with those two.

      • I feel like we have transported to about five years ago: Dental and Megadead conversing in a thread WITH Fart Johnson commenting not far behind! What a time to be alive.

        • Megadead™

          Our Dream Team is timeless.

  • GL

    Tommy Vext: Divine Heresy

    Boom! Apparently this was 10 years (!!!!) ago, damn.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFeoVCFdQ6k

  • Stockhausen

    Popeye has the right look. Maybe they could hologram him and piece together mindless drivel about troops and tuff and I don’t think anyone would notice Ivan is gone.

  • Freedom Jew
    • Eliza

      I’m ashamed of myself for watching this entire video.

  • Slaves BC

    Otep Shamaya.

  • Howard Dean

    MVD be needing all that FFDP skrilla for more of those Smirnoff Ices. Gangster!

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    I was gonna say that Donald Trump himself should replace Moody, but the gig might cut into his golf playing time

    • GoatForest

      It would be an amazing tour. A tour like you’ve never seen. That’s what people are saying. You won’t even believe it. It will tremendous. Terrific. The naysayers are just mean. The most unfair crowd ever. Sad.

  • Depechemodeisgangsta

    Shit even Fred Durst is more reliable than Moody guy, i think the Papa roach singer can do it and nobody will even notice that they change singer.

  • GL

    Really hope that guy gets to getting better. I hate seeing someone struggle like that. It must be tough. . .

    • i’d like to see him get better too. but what i read on *cough* some other metal blog is that he might have “fallen off the wagon”. IF that’s true, i have no sympathy for a him. it’s terrible that a particular compound had that affect on him and spun out of control, but he chose to re-unite with [whatever compound it was].

      • Dumpster Lung

        Eh I dunno man. I’ve never struggled with any kind of addiction myself, but I know people who have, and it’s not as simple as that.

        Now Moody is still a dumb twat and has been for a long time, and I’m sure most of his problems are his own making, but I wouldn’t say that on principle, falling off the wagon is just someone making an arbitrary choice. I mean it IS a choice, but it’s weighted by emotional state, peers/family/friends, all kinds of junk.

        • yeah, you could be right. KJM makes a good point too. perhaps my own experiences and exposure to others’ experiences isn’t enough to form a complete assessment. having said that, i am in no way judging the guy, rather just not offering any sympathy.

          • Dumpster Lung

            No worries man. I don’t really feel sympathy for him either, because he’s simply not a person I’ve ever cared for, and maybe that’s not the nicest thing to say, but I’d rather be honest than pretend to care especially about him because he’s famous 😛

      • The Arm(KJM)

        I don’t care about this choad, but almost any true road to recovery will have 1-2 relapses along the way. Almost no one goes total cold turkey.

      • GL

        It may be his fault to have chosen to re-unite, but I still feel bad for the guy. Guess I am just trying to be more sympathetic than the rest of the world.

        • perhaps i could stand to be a little more sympathetic!

  • The Arm(KJM)

    Nobody.

  • Oscar Aguiar

    Ripper owens

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Alex Jones

  • Jack Bauer

    I mean i really dont care in the least, but it will probably be phil labonte

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas
  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Mr In Your House 4 should replace him. He’d turn the band into a vehicle for his insanity and it would be better than their current stuff. Then again he doesn’t want to. How about my diarrhea?

    • GL

      10/10

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Well my diarrhea would be better than Ivan Moody. It may smell but its got more stage presence.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      He’s got my vote

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Id vote for him replacing Ivan Moody. He can sing better than him.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Phil LaBonte, except he has to legally change his first name to Monty. Or Monte.

  • Fart Johnson

    david vincent but only in character as his country persona

  • Dougie Jones (Dale Cooper)

    (Muffled voice in the background) How about Pink Guy… White Is Right… he’s lying… Jade give two rides. https://youtu.be/8yoZuLQizoM

  • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse

    Here’s the front header from another site that covers metal, (or “metal”). Guess according to this FFDP is the only band I should really be into: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4166cd0a6ce37a749c72398f7f8140213b1d38b7c7a532b9b63b9b7d446f6708.png