Whiff o’ the Week: The Last Hurrah

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“You needn’t die happy when your time comes, but you must die satisfied, for you have lived your life from the beginning to the end and ka is always served.”

Ascend the tower and find what fate may hold. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Last time we met, I tasked you with determining the catchiest piece of crap ever flushed into your eardrums. As fate would have it, you crowned me and flushed Toby Keith unto the end of all things. I say thankee.

poll22

Before we begin our competition today, I have an important announcement. Today will be the final edition of Whiff o’ the Week for the foreseeable future. When I first started this column, I envisioned it as a lighthearted counterpart to Riff ov the Week that would give us a fun place to air our musical grievances. However, as the weeks dragged on, this series became more difficult to maintain and felt like an exercise in overt negativity. I don’t enjoy writing about music I don’t like. That isn’t who I am, and that isn’t the kind of blogger I want to be. Therefore, I am putting Whiff o’ the Week on indefinite hiatus. To everyone who participated, I say thank you. Many of your comments have been like diamonds in the rough for me. Rest assured, we will find other fun ways to maintain participation on Sundays. Don’t give up on us.

That said, today we are hosting what is quite likely our most difficult whiff category. I charged you with finding the biggest dud in Mike Patton‘s catalogue. Choose.


W.

I actually quite like this album, but I know some of you most certainly aren’t into turntablism and will consider this a boring dud.


Ellipsis

In most cases, I’m well and truly on board with the wacky antics of Mr. Patton. But this guest appearance on “Dracula Cha Cha” (lolbuttz) by Australian experimental tango band The Tango Salon (lolbuttz∞) is not one for the highlight reel…


Ted Nü-Djent

Musically this is fine, but Mike Patton spends most of his time squatting like he needs to do a shit and comes off looking like that drunk guy at a gig who gets up on stage then doesn’t know what to do once he gets up there. When he does chime in, it’s just a yell or a scream, which is disappointing.


Ron Deuce

Sorry Mike, Lady Gaga does it better.


MoshOff

Disclaimer: I really, really like Faith No More and Mike Patton’s collaborations with The Dillinger Escape Plan, and I enjoy Mr. Bungle if I’m in the right mood. However, Patton himself (and his over-the-top diehard fans by extension) has always struck me as a major, pretentious douche-chill, and this interview from documentary about the making of 1992’s Angel Dust (1:17:36) is a perfect representation of why. Flush this guy forever.


Stanley

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

There it is. Who will emerge as the final king of the whiff? You decide.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 17-05-2015 09:00:00
end_date 18-05-2015 00:00:00
Poll Results:
Who is the final king of the whiff?

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

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  • IronLawnmower

    F.

  • That Tango Saloon is some straight up cheese dick shit.

    • The W.

      Aye, it has my axe.

    • The Bourbon Is Mine… Alone

      I went through about 20 YouTube search pages before unearthing that glorious shit stain.

  • Edward/Breegrodamus™

    Stanley I say you have just broken my heart.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus™
      • Lilo’s Penis Tornado (KJU)

        I remember seeing her in Playboy a few years back. Yowza!!!

    • Stanley

      Ha ha. I do own Miss Machine. It’s the only Dillinger record that I have…for obvious reasons. They are good live though.

  • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

    Ted wins, flush fake Sepultura down the filthiest toilet in the world for eternity. While Max Cavalera might be a fat, lazy dickwad now, at least Cavalera Conspiracy (and Soulfly, mostly) is good, unlike most post-Roots Sepultura.

    • The Beargod

      Roots was rather bad and A-lex excluded Maxless Sepultura sucks mostly way less than Soulfly and Cavalera Conspiracy.

    • MoshOff

      When did Soulfly stop becoming a walking joke? All of a sudden everyone seems to be jocking them and I’m really confused by it.

      • I don’t want to live in this planet of SOulfy lifelovers anymore 🙁

  • Since we are retiring this, I wanted to share what would’ve been my next win.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSjP4oS0DwA&spfreload=10

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I fucking love this

  • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

    Oh yeah, RIP Whiff, let me celebrate with the stinkiest shit I’ve ever smelt in my entire life.

    Goodnight, sweet prick.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99j0zLuNhi8

  • Hubert

    I don’t mind WoTW going away, let’s focus on the good stuff. Any news on what will replace it?

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

      I presume more Photo Chop.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        We can do that.

    • It’s gonna be free-form for a while – most likely we’ll put up weird shit that wouldn’t fit in the normal schedule.

      • Hubert

        weird shit>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

        • Next sundays instalments will be all Link articles with ALL CAPS RANTS ABOUT RANDOM VENEZUELAN FACTS..

          It’s like the regular comment section, but more pompose.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        RUN MY FARTS ARTICLE! MY FARTICLE!

      • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

        Are you going to run my article defending Siren Charms or does it need work?

    • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

      I’ll miss it, but that’s because I’m a piece of shit that loves to dwell in the negatives of things. I’m like a Dementor, I feed off that shit yo.

      • Dagon

        Word to my ex wife

    • Lilo’s Penis Tornado (KJU)

      I’m actually gonna miss it. I never noticed anything overtly negative coming from the comments, but then again after more than 13 years of Blabbermouth, I guess I’m kinda numbed out to musical negativity. The comments on WOTW were hilarious if anything. Oh well………..

      http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/744/383/fc6.png

      • The W.

        It’s more a matter of wanting to focus my time and energy on writing about music I enjoy rather than music I do not.

      • Óðhinn

        Yes. After spending time on other sites, Toilet ov Hell is comparatively positive. I used to frequent news and political websites, and the discussions get really nasty on certain websites. Even compared to MetalSucks, Toilet ov Hell is peaceful.

  • Well fuck. Looks like it’s back to Church for me . . .

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

      Must… resist… obvious…. song… ungh…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYSVMgRr6pw

      • I’ve heard this song approximately 10 billion times in the last 3 weeks and I’m less than pleased about it.

        • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

          Its a good song (Flame shield up) its just getting really overplayed.

        • Downvoted. (Love you.)

        • Lilo’s Penis Tornado (KJU)

          Never heard it before, and I obviously wasn’t missing anything of value. *gets back to the new Ensiferum*

      • Well played. I actually like this song. I perk up and sing along every time it comes on the radio at work, on the deplorable shitbait Phoenix radio station erroneously dubbed “alt AZ”. (Aside from some old Weezer, there’s nothing “alt” about it.)

        Having uttered this confession, I shall now restore honor to my lineage through ritual diSEMBOWELMENT.

        • Edward/Breegrodamus™

          I, too, am a fan of this song. I’ve played the dude’s album cause of it.

          • The Beargod

            Not really feeling this at all.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™

            Dude has a cool voice imo.

          • The Beargod

            Not a bad one. The vocal melodies were aight too, but it’s prett bland a song.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™

            Fair enough. You kind of inspired me to listen to Demilich today but I should sit down and bang out a miniature review.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Too morose.

  • Scrimm

    🙁

    • CyberneticOrganism

      ;|

  • Spear

    Forgot to submit my pick. Starts in 1989 and just keeps fucking going. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Patton_discography

    • Scrimm

      That’s what I said too, but it didn’t make it in.

      • Spear

        I don’t get the fascination with him. Everything he touches is bland at best.

        • Scrimm

          Backed.

        • Max

          Mr Bungle / Mike Patton
          Tool
          Strapping Young Lad / Devin Townsend
          Dream Theater
          Meshuggah
          Red Hot Chilli Peppers
          Metallica
          Tool (again)

          In my experience, these are the acts most commonly cited as influences by all the musicians you’ll have to wade through when you’re trying to start a band. Any band.

          In my head, they are almost all now damned by association regardless of actual merit.

          I am soooooo sick of encountering people who like Tool. I don’t like Tool, but it’s barely even about that anymore.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Agreed, Tool has, like, maybe three cool songs. Fuck all the rest of them.

          • Dagon

            That said I still love Frusciante and Flea playing together.

            Unashamed RHCP fan lol.

          • Max

            Well, although I’m not an RHCP fan (and to me they do have one or two decent songs; plus they’ve got their own sound), that’s hardly even the point of it for me. It just gets really tiring when you constantly run into other musicians who always seem to like the same shortlist of bands.

            There’s something really disingenuous about it a lot of the time, too; because very often such musicians won’t actually be able to play on the level of the artists they claim to be heavily influenced by. For example: I’m not expecting everybody to be able to emulate Meshuggah’s polyrhythms as well as Meshuggah do – that’s why they’re Meshuggah and we’re all not – but if that’s who you say you’re influenced by, you better be able to play a song I bring to the band which is just a BIT off-kilter in terms of its timing (and not even as drastically as what Meshuggah do) instead of whining about how hard my stuff is to learn.

            Sorry for the rant; it’s a bit of a sore point personally.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I couldn’t listen to RHCP because of their fans. Then I read Anthony Keidas book and as a result then had to listen to all their musical output. It actually turned out that I actually quite enjoy RHCP.

          • Dagon

            I get that. What i said was just a non musician perspective so I’m impervious to the problem you face.

            On the other hand, fans that claim to love RHCP can be some of the most basic music fans ever.

          • Lacertilian

            Frusciante is one of the most over rated guitarists in my books.
            Especially since he stopped taking heroin.
            Kinda wish he went the Hillel Slovak route and kept hitting until he either wrote something awesome or died trying.
            His contrived mediocre repetitive ‘solos’ make this lizard angry.

          • Dagon

            I never got into his solo stuff but RHCP’s best material was written with him. I also like how he changes things live.

            Sorry, lizard.

          • Lacertilian

            Agreed, their best stuff was written while he was smacked up though.

          • The W.

            I think we’ve had this conversation before. I like Tool, but Tool fans are just the worst.

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          I like him but I can’t stand people that automatically fap over anything he releases. Like all of a sudden people are interested in traditional Italian pop songs just because it’s Mike Patton singing them. Fuck those guys.

      • The W.

        Sorry, mate. Thought you were just trying to rustle some jimmies.

        • Scrimm

          Nah man it’s my fault for not submitting properly. I can easily see how my comment would have been interpreted that way.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    –sometimes “negativity” in music exploration–is way more positive –than hypocritical “good”——all hail mr president!

    travels to different dimensions—as faith no more followed up their rap music explorations–by combining thrash –with peak classical psychedelic pop—from the giant Jupiter like planets of nearby more advanced –“pleasure kingdoms”—about 4 light years away–

    (both at once–full vol)
    https://youtu.be/dj-U5r16A6U

    –https://youtu.be/2821Jvnaeg8

  • Stanley

    I’ll give my vote to Ron for the outright destruction of the intro to Chinese Arithmetic. What was he thinking? Did the rest of the band know that he was going to do that?

    • That’s been a live-thing throughout FNM’s history: doing short intro-covers of currently popular song. Fatih No More never took themselves very seriously.

      https://youtu.be/ueLlP4HLVpg

      • Stanley

        I’ve never seen them live, but pulling that stunt would piss the shit out of me.

  • EsusMoose

    Very good finds overall, I may disagree with Moshoffs choice as he walks a line between pretentious and being a music fan who couldn’t find something that interested him anymore. And throwing out the annoying intro, unretrofied is mostly fine just TDEP let their patton show too much.

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

      I agree, was Mike high during that video, he’s known for being frugal when it comes to drugs, but there had to be some illegal substances involved in that. Usually, he’s honest, but it doesn’t sound too pretentious (mostly, ahem*dismissingslipknotwithoutactuallylisteningtothematleastlistentothemfirstbeforedismissingthem*ahem).

      • Lilo’s Penis Tornado (KJU)

        I dunno, I tried to sit through that whole ‘Making Of Angel Dust’ video, and got bored senseless 20 minutes into it. Way too long, and waaaaaaaaaaaay too long winded.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I watched just that segment of him eating the burger and I could barely stand it. Dude comes off like Maynard J.K. Lite.

          “Oh you want to interview me, huh? You want some album details or insight into the creative process? SCREW YOU HAHAHA I’m just gonna eat some food and FUCK with you! LOL! We’re gonna have 10 songs on the album… HAHAHA NO WE’RE NOT IT’S ACTUALLY GONNA BE 12! You’re SO STUPID! Fuck our fans and FUCK YOU TOO!”

          Dick.

  • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

    Stanley gets my vote. Wouldn’t be the last time either. Peeping No More? Faith No Tom? PeepingHawk?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-aBNpTjDB4

    • MoshOff

      This song > other songs

      • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

        Despite it being a total Pattonoff, this is true, however some other songs > this song. Like “Chinese Whispers”.

        • MoshOff

          This is a statement with which I would not entirely agree, but whose main point is one that I could possibly, if not surely, stand behind given the right circumstances.

          • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

            Agreed to agree in right circumstances then.

            I think people also forgot that Dillinger WAS a Patton band at one point (Irony Is A Dead Scene), but they both decided to make it a one-off.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      What? Ahhh, that’s right. Opinions.

  • INDUBITABEARD

    An open swim column would probably be fine for a sunday. Or photochop. Or something entirely different. I actually liked WOTW but, you know, its like, whatever, bro.

    • The W.

      I know some people did. We’ll probably run Photo Chop and figure out other good stuff to run on Sundays.

      • INDUBITABEARD

        It just sucks because I dont have a PC setup to properly do a Photo Chop

        • The W.

          A bunch of us use Pixlr. It’s free online.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Do you have PowerPoint? It’s surprisingly versatile for graphics, at least for the stuff we all do with Photo Chops.

        • You could also try GIMP, it’s a free photo editing program, very similar to photoshop.

  • I vote for nothing. Mike Patton is the best and most versatile singer ever featured on this site. Fact.

    …suck it 😉

    • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

      Inarguable. But what he does, or perhaps better yet doesn’t do, with that voice is what creates numerous whiffs. Why he does it? Beats me. Maybe to be ironic? He might be the original hipster. Is it pretentious? Maybe. Does he do it to take the piss out if himself? Who knows. I just know if I had a talent like that (and I wish I did), I’d use it to leave people floored every time I performed, not pissed off or confused.

      • He’s the best vocalist I remember ever being discussed here from a technical standpoint. Everything else is subjective.

        There’s stuff he’s done that isn’t my cup of tea as well. He can do all the played-out death-vox and sound like everyone else currently being jacked off to in the Realm of Real Metuhl too. Like him or not at least we know it’s him singing and not some clone of Schuldiner.

  • Lilo’s Penis Tornado (KJU)

    Awwwwwwww, damn, my submission didn’t get on here, sadly. I forget which song it was, but it’s one of his many excursions into banging on pots and pans while whooping like a dying warthog. When Patton hits the mark, he hits it like no other, but a good 65% of his catalog is pure wankery.

    • The W.

      Which email did you send it to? If it wasn’t the whiff email, that wasn’t right.

      • Lilo’s Penis Tornado (KJU)

        Oooooooooooooh, that’s why! I sent it to the regular old email.

        BTW, Stanley gets my vote, simply because of my disdain for DEP.

  • Lilo’s Penis Tornado (KJU)

    In loving memory of Da Whiff, I’ll leave this little upper decker here for you fine folks.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7Yxk6h_-Hg

  • INDUBITABEARD

    Can you turn a whiff into a riff? Some perf remixes for a Sunday afternooon. You got your glass of bourbon and a Xanax?
    https://youtu.be/1rDkmlo_oio

  • JW(E)G

    I could never quite bring myself to suffer through bad music just to find something I felt especially bad enough to share; but I can understand the catharsis – much like the B/U part of Flush it Friday.

    …only it doesn’t quite ever go away. The Whiff is eternal. There is no internet-equivalent of Glade Auto-Spray.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    After listening to these whiffs, I’ve come to the conclusion I do not care for Mike Patton.

  • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

    Godfuckingdammit. I listened to the new Coal Chamber album and was eager to make fun of it and what happens? They can actually write decent songs now. Fuck. Now they are stuck in my head and I feel like I’m in sixth grade again.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      CUT OFF THINE OWN HEAD MOTHER SHABUBU

    • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

      I wouldn’t have expected it to be good.

      • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

        Neither would I, but here we are. It’s basically the first three songs and three to four at the back of the album. If this was one of their first albums instead of a reunion one, I don’t think they would have caught as much shit.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I dig the title image. John Bauer’s stuff looks like a Finntroll album cover.

    http://www.artsycraftsy.com/bauer/jb_magic_flowers.jpg

    Jeg elsker troll, men trollene ikke elsker meg. Jeg må kjempe dem før Ragnarok er her.

    • The W.

      I’m enamored with John Bauer’s art at the moment.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Goodbye WOTW, we had some good times