Whiff o’ the Week (9/7/14)

2117
166
Share:

All things decay. Life blooms, grows, withers, dies, and decays. Man. Beast. Plant. Even the greatest structures we erect, the monuments to our prowess and might, all will collapse under the inevitable crawl of time. Vanity. Vanity. All is vanity. Even art, timeless in form, is consumed by the blight of mediocrity, leaving behind mere husks of glory. This is a celebration of that glory lost. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

W.

Metal as a genre is no stranger to pretense. However, when an artist is so pretentious that his own self-inflated ego overshadows the art he creates, we often take note. When the art itself is an offensive mess undeserving of praise, we must turn our collective backs on the charlatans. Such is the case with Liturgy. I think Percy Bysshe Shelley did a much better job explaining how I feel about this megalomaniac and his pathetic attempt at black metal than I ever could.

“I met a traveller from an antique land Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand, Half sunk, a shatter’d visage lies, whose frown And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command Tell that its sculptor well those passions read Which yet survive, stamp’d on these lifeless things, The hand that mock’d them and the heart that fed. And on the pedestal these words appear: “My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!” Nothing beside remains: round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare, The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

-Percy Bysshe Shelley, Ozymandias

 


 Papa Joe Thrashnkill

I was driving home and minding my own damn business when this song came on Sirius/XM Liquid Metal and assaulted me with its pandering bullshit. The whole fucking point of covering a beloved song is to make it sound like your band is halfway competent. Instead, these boners good cop/bad copped over the entire song while adding TWO weak-ass breakdowns. The most egregious example comes at 3:08. I hope these guys all live together in a house with one bathroom so I can upperdeck them all at once. If you’re in this band and reading this, I hate you.

 


The Masterlord

I nominate present-day HammerFall as a collective group for Whiff of the Week and official target of all projectiles forever. They beguiled us with talk of “(r)Evolution.” They recruited Andreas Marschall to create an album cover with their classic mascot, Hector, hearkening back to Glory to the Brave and Legacy of Kings. They even released two decent singles. It smelled like hope. There was nothing to suggest that (r)Evolution wouldn’t be the return-to-form we’ve been waiting for. What we got was another album of phoned-in choruses and recycled riffs. It’s a step up from Infected, but it’s the bait-and-switch that really hurts. HammerWhiff.

 

 


Stockhausen

Chimaira is officially no more, and I’d like to send them out in a whiff. What started as a passable band with moderately alright tunes turned into a hilarious TUFF GUY band with trite, uninspired chug riffs that your neighborhood BDubsBro would whip his basketball shorts into a frenzy about. 1 of those bands down, 2,374,594 to go.

 

 


Leif Bearikson

If you thought Mexican Radio was a shitty way to start off an album, well Celtic Frost has a surprise dick punch waiting for you as soon as you walk out of that door. Mesmerize is a jumble of horrible, cringe worthy riffs and some laughable vocals that would make Jonathan Davis erect. The rest of the album is okay, I guess.

 

 


Christian

This is a terrible song by a terrible band. Nothing more and nothing less (but definitely nothing more).

 

 


Scrimm

The entire new In Flames album. [In case you missed it, here’s our review. -W.]

 

 


Jack Bauer

I need to listen to Gorguts now.

 

 


(Photo VIA)

  • Metaphysical Anus

    I kind of enjoy Liturgy, but all the others are shit.

    • You WOULD like Liturgy.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        Yes, I knew that it would not be a surprise.

        • *flush*

          • Metaphysical Anus

            You can’t flush something that has already been flushed down.

          • *double-flush*

          • Metaphysical Anus

            You guys love pop music, so your flushing means nothing to me.

          • Triple flush.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I respect you for your pop hate.

          • It’s clogging the toilet and requires multiple flushes

          • Metaphysical Anus

            You need to get a plunger for that.

          • Scrimm

            Sometimes there’s that one turd that pops back up even after you flush.

    • IronLawnmower

      They couldn’t even be assed to get a cool logo. Just generic font #1000

  • IronLawnmower

    I feel like I shouldn’t listen to these to preserve my ears.

    • KJM

      The Celtic Frost song is just fine. “Pandemonium” is a classic.

  • FeelTheDarkness
    • Mr.CustodialArts

      Hey, thanks for helping me pick my WHIFF OF THE WEEK! MESKILL WIGGA POWAH X100. YOU HAVE BEEN THREATENED WITH VIOLENCE BY A MAN WEARING PLAID SHORTS AND A BERET…A FUCKING BERET.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nl2HWTvRDKY

      • Pro-pain is just so painfully bad.

      • Pierre Generic

        Holy shit, Tommy Victor should beat the piss out of these fucktards for that weak-ass Prong imitation.

        • W.

          I love Prong.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Did you like there new album? Pretty good.

          • W.

            I liked it. Tommy is a great songwriter.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            He kicked ass on the last three Danzig albums.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I would pay tommy to make another beg to differ though.

          • FeelTheDarkness

            I would pay Tommy to beg Ted Parsons to come back

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Ha ha ha ha is this even real

  • HessianHunter

    I’ll go ahead and destroy any credibility I’ve tricked y’all into thinking I have and say that I think that that Liturgy record is great. It’s weird as shit and goes hard. In Red Crown, the track you posted, that harmonized kinda mathy part at 4:35 is a stellar climax. My favorite track though, is Generation. One fucking chord, hammered into you over and over again. It’s very Steve Reich by way of Meshuggah. There’s lots of metal with “classical” influence (usually Baroque runs & counterpoint w/ Romantic compositional ideas), and I think it’s great that Liturgy is legitimately influenced by contemporary “classical” music like Reich and John Cage. (Btw, there’s A LOT more to John Cage than his famous elaborate troll, 4’33”).

    • *FLUSH*

    • HessianHunter

      Oh yeah, and that singer HHH is a hilarious asshat who thinks too highly of his music, but I dgaf. An artist’s personality has nothing to do with the quality of their work, unless they choose to reference themself as part of the piece I guess.

      • crazytaco_12

        It’s better than being a Varg

        • W.

          This is true.

    • W.

      You’re a bold man, Hessian. I like that.

    • Stockhausen

      Cage’s Credo in Us and the Constructions are my jam. Reich’s Tehillim makes me giddy every single time.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    Related to my riff o’ the week choice I’d like to present this song. There is a special place in hell for those who thought it was a good idea.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYp2ubNjqCc

    • crazytaco_12

      Holy shit this is god awful, great whiff!

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        calling how true metal fans , repeat, calling all true metal fans, you do not have to accept the david reese fronted accept to be accepted into the fold of the true metal army.

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          Thanks.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      This sucks on so many levels. I do not Accept this one bit.

  • God

    I don’t get the hate on the new in flames album. In flames haven’t been the old in flames since the early 2000’s so why do people expect them to be? I thoroughly enjoyed siren charms for what it was being a straight up melodic modern metal album.

    • Gurp

      Right? It’s not like they’re going in any unexpected directions anymore.

      • God

        I still liek dem doe

        • Metaphysical Anus

          You slippery son of a bitch!

        • Gurp

          …same….
          dont tell no one

    • Scrimm

      I hate to disagree with God, but I hated every second of it. Not even that I expected the old band to magically return, I hated it for what it was. Please don’t smite me!

    • crazytaco_12

      I’m totally there with you. I dig on some “Come Clarity” and “A Sense of Purpose”, good driving tunes, and yeah, it’s just like super melodic hard rock/heavy. Mind you, I don’t really enjoy this album as much (though I haven’t really listened to it, just bits and pieces online), but yeah dude, In Flames clearly aren’t going back to melodeath so I enjoy them for what they are now.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        I agree that they will never go back to their roots, but this is their best album in their new style. I hated Reroute to Remain and Soundtrack to Your Escape, I thought Come Clarity and A Sense of Purpose were decent even though their album covers were terrible, I hated Sounds of a Playground Fading but the new album is one of my favorite non metal albums this year. I love the new album enough to go see them with Opeth when they go to Terminal 5.

        • crazytaco_12

          Hmm, maybe I’ll have to check it out a little further

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            You should. I enjoyed it more than any of their other non metal albums. It’s on my non metal albums of the year list and it will probably win non metal album of the year.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I love you because you are defending the new album of In Flames that I love so much. It’s so good.

    • Simon Phoenix

      I haven’t cared about In Flames for years, since I pretty much knew they would never go back to making albums like The Jester Race or even Reroute. But I listened to the new album over the weekend and holy fuck was it horrible.

      Why didn’t Anders just stick with Passenger if that’s what he wanted to do? The record doesn’t even succeed as the radio friendly music that it’s trying to be.

      Call me an elitist if you wish, but I just can’t say that this album is good. Especially when Insomnium released a fantastic new record just months earlier for example.

      • W.

        I’m with you, Simon. My whole point is that with all the great music being released this year, why would you want to listen to something as boring and safe as In Flames.

  • Gurp

    Toilet Ov Hell pls halp me
    Gigan, Artificial Brain and Pyrrhon are playing in town on Thursday and I want to see them rly rly bad but my ears have been ringing for the past 2-3 months and I’m pretty sure going to another metal show will destroy my hearing. wat do

    • W.

      Do you wear ear plugs? I had to start wearing some at shows because it seemed my hearing was deteriorating. Even standard ear plugs will work, but you can get some nice ones from Amazon that will allow you to hear pretty much everything in the mix, just at an ear-friendly volume?

      • Gurp

        I did indeed wear earplugs at the last 3 shows I went to. I think the trouble is that 2 of those were two nights in a row, and the last one was an eight hour local death metal festival in a tiny club. I’m pretty sure staying there for that entire thing did me in.

        Tell me more about these nice ones!

        • W.

          Bear in mind that I’ve only used standard ear plugs, but I’ve seen ones like these that are specifically designed for musicians or concert attendance. http://www.amazon.com/Alpine-Hearing-Protection-MusicSafe-Classic/dp/B0032BYCWG

          • Scrimm

            I have the alpine ones for musicians. They come with different inserts for how much sound you want blocked. I paid about 25 bucks for them in the guitar store, but they are very nice, and come with a keychain travel case. I use them for shooting too.

          • Gurp

            This actually looks like a really good pair, some decent reviews and they’re pretty cheap to boot. I don’t think I’ll be able to get them in time for the show, though.

          • Scrimm

            You can get them at most music stores. I got mine at same ash and saw them at guitar center too.

          • Gurp

            I’d have to find one nearby. The thing is I’m waiting for a check to come in the mail and I’m not sure it would come in time.

          • Scrimm

            Ah gotcha. Good luck with that.

          • W.

            Good luck, amigo.

          • W.

            You could always check a Best Buy or similar electronics store

          • Gurp

            I could, that’s true, but if I got it there I probably wouldn’t have enough left over for the show. I’m waiting on a check in the mail that may or may not come in this week.

          • Stockhausen

            If you can get to a Guitar Center, they usually have nicer ones designed for musicians at decent prices.

    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      You need to talk with an audiologist. In most cases your ringing should have gone away by now. If you get anymore trauma in there it could get worse and that could affect your concentration and general well being besides just your hearing. Good luck.

      • W.

        That’s good advice, Virg. Also, I forgot to say thanks on the other post. Almost done with my doctorate!

  • Tyree
    • W.

      I didn’t even remember that was the Nasum cover, haha.

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        for me this was the biggest dissapointment in years. I mean this singer is so bad it hurts, we waited 25 years and jake comes up with this ? Should have put out an instrumental album.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1zPls_cYc0

        • W.

          Oh yah, I remember this making some waves for a while, but I never actually listened.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I had no clue Jake E Lee was still alive. I feel bad for the man as he had the task of living up to Randy Rhoads and he failed at that. Also, the fact that he was on The Ultimate Sin makes me feel even worse for him. I remember hearing about this band but I didn’t care enough to listen to them.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          The singer isn’t that bad, minus the pre-chorus where’s heavily aping Ozzy.

      • Tyree

        Shame on you!

    • Scrimm

      Brings a tear to my eye. ‘sniff’

  • The Satan Ov Nvklear Hell

    Into the pandemonium was one of my favourite celtic frost albums, I really liked the moaned vocals, and the strange riffs.

    • The Satan Ov Nvklear Hell

      I am salty.

    • KJM

      It’s a classic just like ‘Morbid Tales’ & ‘To Mega Therion’.

      • Cock of Steele

        And Cold Lake!

        • Metaphysical Anus

          • Cock of Steele

            Stoking the butthurtz

        • KJM

          -___-

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          the justified criticism of cold lake. Keep it away, i’m melting ! It was the record company ya see, they threathened my family if i didn’t do it their way ( yea, that’s the ticket)

          • Scrimm

            HAHAHA great description.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I disagree. Cold Lake is the worst hair metal album ever. Compared to Cold Lake the band Nelson is the greatest thing ever. Don’t remember Nelson? Here’s a song of theirs and I must remind you that these guys are considered hair metal.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1W6-ErrHls

          • Metaphysical Anus

            He was joking, Jim.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I think that must be the case. I just got back from the record store I go to and I bought a copy of Tarkus on vinyl. I also found the Motograter CD of which I bought.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            ELP

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Exactly. I also own their debut and Pictures at an Exhibition by them. I also checked Motograter’s Twitter page. They have 218 followers including myself. That is very depressing.

          • Max

            Man, I haven’t seen this for a LONG time!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I’m sorry you’ve had to see it at all. I do not like them and the fact that Mark Slaughter of Slaughter had to perform with them is tragic.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    How much does the site that shall not be named get paid to plug that Black Tongue band? They constantly bash Emmure/Acacia Strain/etc and this sounds just like it. It almost sounds like a cover of this:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5bWrUphWoI

    • W.

      Enough for Axl to never have to work at a real job.

      • Mr.CustodialArts

        Wait, what? I thought that was just some blog a couple of chubby Jews did for kicks…it generates REVENUE?!

        • W.

          They’re part of (and maybe co-owners of?) Blast Beat Network, the advertising network that basically controls most major metal blogs and magazines: http://www.blastbeatnetwork.com/

          • Mr.CustodialArts
          • JWG

            “For Ben Umanov, founding partner of the ultra-successful ad network Blast Beat and co-Editor-in-Chief of MetalSucks, one of the most authoritative websites for metal music, nights and weekends were when he developed not just one, but two enterprises that would later go on to become his life’s work. A result, he says, which was completely by accident — and the best thing that could have happened.”

            http://blog.creativelive.com/metalsucks-ben-umanov/

            …Although if you read far enough into the article, you’ll find the author confuse contributor “Dave Mustein” with the ‘real’ Dave Mustaine. So I’m not sure she’s completely credible.

            Although I was fairly certain of that by the line referring to MS as “authoritative”.

          • Mr.CustodialArts

            There is no mention in the article of Ben’s uncontrollable desire to break every underage Japanese hymen he ventures upon. #pedofacts

          • Mother Shabubu III

            To be the fair, the legally aged one is kind of cute.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            oh they’re all cute man, let’s let our hair down in the toilet. I love asian girls as much as the next red blooded guy. A lot of the 30 year old women look like they are 16 anyways, a very beautiful people who age very gracefully. Look at doris yeh from chtonic, 26 but could pass for 16 easy.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            It’s weird because over here a lot of 16 year old girls try to look 30.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            lol, it’s all the same sites that post the same articles just worded slightly different. This network is the human centipede of metal blogging.

  • JWG

    Your review of In Flames is totally apt.

    On the other hand, Grymm over at AMG wrote a major essay. Which was also apt.

    Also, “apt” is a fun word to say out loud. At least, I think so. Is that weird?

    • W.

      Nah. If you repeat anything enough it sounds weird. Punch. Punch. Punch.

      • Jormungandr

        Penis! Penis! Penis!

        • W.

          That’s just a funny word all around.

          • Scrimm

            A friend of ours tried to tell us to start a band named penis. He said then we could play a festival and have thousands of dudes screaming for penis.

          • W.

            When I was in a band, we joked about renaming the band Six Swingin Dicks.

          • Scrimm

            That’s actually not bad.

        • You called?

  • I want to poison every person in Betraying the Martyrs.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      Those vocals…
      I support you on your endeavor.

      • The Black Dahlia Burger

        Seriously why are they so fucking distorted and shitty?

        • W.

          Deathcore, dude. All these second and third gen core bands are turrible.

          • The Black Dahlia Burger

            Most deathcore isn’t that awful though, like this for example. No matter what you think of whitechapel, I really don’t think you can listen to the beginning of this song (35 seconds or so) and say those vocals aren’t great https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN751Mk3yDw

    • W.

      I’ll help.

    • Just poison? I was thinking of locking them in a soundproof room listening to nicki minaj on repeat while the room slowly shrinks and the temperature gradually decreases to the point where it’s just enough to make them absolutely miserable but not enough to kill them. After which we let metaphysical anus talk them to death….. love u MA <3

    • Spear

      The most disappointing part is that a metal cover of that fucking song could have maybe actually made it listenable.

      • W.

        Only black metal would be capable of capturing the essence of Elsa’s frozen heart.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          A black metal cover of a pop song is fine, but Deafheaven and Liturgy aren’t? Fucking hell mate!

          • W.

            I actually like Deafheaven. I think Liturgy is a train-wreck.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I thought you hated Deafheaven.

          • W.

            No, that’s the Masterlord. I do like to pretend that they’re the best band ever to get his goat, but yah, I like em.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            This makes me feel warm. My jimmies are nice and steady.

          • The Satan Ov Nvklear Hell

            POSEGAZE

            POSEHEAVEN

            POSEBATHER

            http://i.imgur.com/Afs6v31.png

          • Metaphysical Anus

            My jimmies remain unrustled.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            I used to lime Deaf heaven until they took my friend Tree’s girl. Fuck that guy!

          • W.

            Hehe. Poor Tyree. That George Clarke is irresistible.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        This cover killed the original. It murdered it where it stood and the original will never come back, in its place a steaming pile of bear shit.

      • old_man_doom

        I just want to say that I hate everything about that fucking film, song, and the cultural capital that comes along with being obsessed by it. (Sorry, tear me apart if you must.)

        • Metaphysical Anus

          I love you for saying this. <3

          • old_man_doom

            <3 you too, Anus.

        • Spear

          I didn’t care for it myself. Could have been better without that pointless snowman character.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      You think they’re bad? When I saw iwrestledabearonce at a festival near my house I wanted to disembowel myself. When it comes to the aural atrocities they committed on stage I wanted to put battery acid in their drinks and see them melt from the inside out. BtM doesn’t deserve poisoning, they need to be lowered into a vat of batter acid at the speed of one inch an hour.

    • more beer

      That`s way too nice a death for them. Think more in term`s of fire or blunt force trauma!

      • Jormungandr

        That is unnecessarily violent. I approve

  • crazytaco_12

    Just heard “Mesmerized” yesterday, holy shit that song sucks, in fact, that album really just plain sucks. They’re are a few redeemable songs, but the bad outweighs the good overall (holy shit “One in Their Pride” is so awful).

  • crazytaco_12

    Honestly, I dug the Liturgy a lil bit, and the In Flames and Hammerfall

    • W.

      I like Hammerfall too!

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        2 legends and a poser asshole. Lemmy is like ” who the fuck’s this cunt with the beatles haircut next to me. Foo fighters ? ”
        Motorhead’s agent – ” listen lemmy, put up with him, its a great photo op, the kids see you with this little prick they will think he is legit. He will sell more, and you will sell a few hundred copies more.”

        • Gurp

          Dave Grohl? Poser? Really? He’s been playing rock music since 1986.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            the troll inside me sometimes takes over. Nothing he has done is remotely metal except the probot project. The nirvana albums were all way heavier than foo fighters which is top 40 stuff. No offense intended.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I saw the Foo Fighters at a festival in Central Park which Neil Young and his band Crazy Horse headlined and they were both amazing. It was the last Foo Fighters show before they went on hiatus until this year. The Black Keys were on it as well and they ruled. There was two other bands that were good but I don’t remember who they were.

  • Scrimm

    Ah great day of football so far. And the true whiff of the week? The JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuckin horrible!!!

    • Jormungandr

      Better than the rams and redskins at least. And dallas is looking pretty terrible

      • Scrimm

        Yeah true Dallas is so bad. At least the Rams have some kind of excuse.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      They tried at least compared to Dallas, St Louis and Washington. Also, don’t insult my team by calling them a whiff of the week. That distinction goes to the Cowboys.

      • Scrimm

        Close but afraid not. Dallas is pure garbage but there’s no excuse for blowing a 17 point lead by getting 34 unanswered points scored on you. Oh well, there’s always next week…

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I’m sure they’ll beat whoever they face next week. Also, they’re facing the Redskins next week so I feel they’ll beat them.

          • Scrimm

            Good luck. That is a winnable game.

  • Sponge Of Mystery

    Am I the only one that actually really liked the new In Flames album? I know it’s their worst album but i mean, idk…i will always love them

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      No. I loved it more than anyone here.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I really would like to contribute to this column next week, I find so much shit on youtube it really has to be flushed properly.

  • my vote goes to @joshuathackston:disqus