Whiff o’ the Week (9/28/14)

1814
170
Share:

When the whiff first came to me in a dream, it manifested as a single, boorish sonic expression of ignorance nestled snugly within the confines of an otherwise congruous track. However, as I gave more and more of myself to the whiff, it grew and metamorphosed into something bestial and hulking, amalgamating entire songs, then albums, then whole bands themselves. I have fought the whiff too long. I fear that I, like the proverbial dragonslayer from Nietzsche’s omen, may soon lose all to the whiff and inevitably succumb to it. Yet I cannot help but revel in the guilt. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

W.

This week I’m flushing Jeff Loomis for breaking up with Warrel Dane. Please kiss and make up. I need more Nevermore in my life.


Papa Joe Thrashnkill

Franky De Smet-Van Damme, your voice sucks and your lyrics are asinine. This song is a shining example of my least favorite thing in metal. The instrumentation is totally capable and on-point, but then the vocals come in and fart all over the place. Eventually we get to the cringe-inducing chorus with godawful clean vocals that deliver this gem: “I say fuck you, go to hell!”. ‘K brah.

 


The Masterlord

Don’t get me wrong, I actually like this song. I think these Spaniards do the whole gothic/doom thing pretty well, but this video (which I’m guessing is supposed to be sad) is a lolfactory.

1:10 — Don’t mind this rando in your bathroom growling his brains out while you get dressed.

Helevorn1

3:20 – Top-shelf invisible forcefield effects.

4:43 – “ARRRRGGGGGGH FUCK FISH BOWLS!”


Leif Bearikson

As a Texan, it is in my blood to be a huge Pantera fan, but dear Lord do I hate Psycho Holiday. From how oddly upbeat it is to that God awful chorus to that grating solo. As Phil says within “You can’t please all the people all the time.”


Simon Phoenix

I know this album was in WotW before, but goddamn. If actual music were allowed in San Angeles instead of stupid jingles, this crap is the lounge music that would play while you wait for the waiter to bring you your godawful “healthy” fancy Taco Bell dinner that consists of two baby carrots and some vomit colored sauce. The so called heavy riff at 3:40 is the audio equivalent of the eloquent dump you will take in the toilet afterwards while your date flirts with said waiter by asking what color he prefers for his purse. That Anders does this stupid spinning motion in some lameass attempt to emulate the metalcore singers he’s taken singing lessons from in the video only punctuates the absolute failure of this song.

Dafuq happened to you, In Flames?


Jöhnny Crünch

Unashamed fan of Mötley Crüe but this song is indefensible.


Jack Bauer and Spear

Necromancing the Stone = Lolbuttz. You’d think with all that talent they could get vocals that work. Plus that name is one of the biggest whiffs in metal history.


Bonus Whiff

We’re all flushing Randall Thor for spamming us with his basic love of these:

Enjoy picking your wrinkled yoga pants up off the Frat house floor, buddy.


Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photos VIA and VIA)

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    Add THIS to the rest of this weeks selections and we are talking TOTAL U-BEND CLOGGAGE. I have a PhD in WIGGANOMICS.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKPsAPszdHs

  • IronLawnmower

    Necromancing the Stone. The band cannot be serious surely?

    • W.

      That’s what we all said!

      • IronLawnmower

        Like maybe they’re one of those parody bands? Please so I don’t cringe into a stupor.

        • W.

          Nope. Totally serious. It’s a super group featuring members of Arsis, the Absence, Black Dahlia Murder, etc.

          • IronLawnmower

            Black Dahlia Mur-

            Nope. Don’t believe you. Nope. You’re trying to cyber troll me. I know cyber cops and my dad works at microsoft and he’ll turn off your computer remotely.

          • W.

            Don’t backtrace me, bro!

          • IronLawnmower

            I’ll write a GUI visual script in game maker 8 pro

    • Spear

      The best part is that Axl wrote their background. Truly a recipe for success right there.

      For the record, I really like everything else about the band. Those clean vocals, though… eesh. They don’t ruin it for me, but they definitely don’t help.

      • W.

        He wrote their facebook bio?

        • Spear

          Yup. He’s credited at the end of the video up there.

          • W.

            UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

      • IronLawnmower

        ARE YOU PEOPLE TROLLING ME?

        • W.
          • IronLawnmower

            I didn’t think it was possible to condense that much lol so randuum we r awesom guiz cringe into a few short paragraphs.

        • Spear

          I wish I was. The only consolation I can offer you is that, knowing James Malone, they (the band) are probably not taking themselves very seriously.

      • Simon Phoenix

        Yeah that bio reads like something Axl would write.

        I like my fair share of cheese, but that is really awful.

      • JWG

        He’s probably their manager.

        Nary a bad thing can be said about those bands they’re literally invested in. That’s pretty much standard operating procedure at The Blog Which Shall Not Be Named (a.k.a. Nameless, Shameful).

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    STUCK MOJO>NECROMANCING THE STONE

    I feel like an asshole just TYPING that-“Necromancing the Stone.”

    • I’m just so glad that we’re still ragging on stuck mojo. It’s one of my favorite things.

  • Spear

    There may be no more Nevermore, but at least the new Sanctuary album is shaping up to be pretty awesome. Dane still sounds as disgusted with humanity as ever. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dywhFx-piIE

    • W.

      Yesss. So excited.

    • JWG

      New Sanctuary album sounds a lot more like Nevermore than old Sanctuary does.

      Admittedly, I say that solely based on comparing a few video samples but knowing nothing about either band until a friend invited me to an upcoming gig (November, in Vancouver). I figured I’d look into it a bit, then let him know if I could make the trip.

      At the moment I’m enthusiastic.

      I just have to hope my financial situation stays at its current barely-above-break-even state.

  • Beunhaas

    Necromancing the Stone put the aw(e) in awful.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I didn’t actually mind that Necromancing the Stone, not especially my cup of tea but from the name I was expecting some kind of comedy brutal snoozer so I was pleasantly surprised.

  • Scrimm

    Jeez, bad shite this week guys. My whiff this week is bye weeks. I know they have a purpose, but I hate not seeing my teams play. Really hate when they have it early in the season too.

  • Simon Phoenix

    FYI, the PSLs at McDonald’s are cheaper and probably taste exactly the same.

    Chew on that for a second.

    • What happened to you?!?!?!?!

      • Simon Phoenix

        What do you mean?

        • You’re not white, female, or suburban!

          • Simon Phoenix

            Lol this cute barista whom I “interrogated” gave me all the lovely details of this drink.

            Course I burned down her coffee shop with her and about 7 other people inside afterwards, but I found it interesting regardless.

  • Death

    These gave me an aneurysm.

  • Death

    On a good note, I decided to replay Fallout New Vegas with some mods this time. Love that game.

    • It’s so GOOD.

      • Sight Vnseen

        Agreed. I really wish Bethesda would let Obsidian handle the Fallout games. I really dug 3, but New Vagas was more in tune with the first two. Also I’m a huge nerd.

        • Fallout 2 is prob my favorite game of all time. New Vegas captured the vibe of that game SO WELL.

          • W.
          • That is fucking awesome. Add some mecha-wanamingos and I am down.

          • W.

            Some of the mods are so cool and ridiculous.

          • IronLawnmower

            MMM that barely contained deathbulge.

          • Count_Breznak

            The best part of 2 for me was that you could play it start to finish in about 20 min or less once you knew where you had to go and which parts were optional. Especially because the outro made absolutly no sense if you payed it like that.

          • Knight Solaire

            the best part for me, was running with less than 3 intelligence

          • Gurp

            Goris is one of my favorite companions in any RPG ever.

      • Beunhaas

        SO GOOD

    • W.

      It really is fantastic, although I had to stop because I accidentally trapped myself in a super-irradiated building from which I could not save. Like a dummy I forgot to save for a while before that.

      • Death

        Last time I played it I sided woth the NCR, but they got mad at me without me doing anything. I had to go solo after that.

        • W.

          If I remember correctly, I was on NCR’s side. I did something to piss off the brotherhood, though. Just before the aforementioned radiation blunder, I had just wiped out the entire brotherhood, sold all of their Powerarmor and gotten some sweet weapons. Forgot to save that. Sort of killed me fervor for continuing.

          • Count_Breznak

            Why buy weapons ? Just pick them up and walk arround the corner before you stash them.

          • W.

            I meant that I picked up a Gauss rifle and some other cool stuff from the Brotherhood bunker

          • Knight Solaire

            I found out I killed the enclave remnants, and couldn’t get their armour myself.

          • W.

            Same here. Stuck with ranger armor or something similar.

        • IronLawnmower

          Viva La Independence. Scotland needed a yes man.

          • Death

          • IronLawnmower

            Now I’m imagining Scotland as governed by the legion.

          • IronLawnmower

            (I hate how disqus images don’t show unless you reload the page)
            I had a guy on facebook say the UK was a nazi monarchy when the no vote was announced.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            i don’t think the US are as familiar with great stuff like little britian or the especially brilliant Alan Partridge ( probably the longest running comedy character of all time who is still as funny as he ever was)

          • Knight Solaire

            I love Partridge and Saxondale, great shows, really unappreciated over here too.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            Steve Coogan is a great actor in dramas too. That movie about the british guy who started a record company in the early 80’s was quite interesting. 24 hour party people i think it was called. Hamlet 2 was hiliarious too. I wish saxondale had more seasons, a lot of people didn’t like it, it had kind of a dark humour to it. It wasn’t super hiliarious like partridge. A person felt kind of sorry for the character who had such an interesting life being a roadie & then had to live a very settled life telling stories about the glory days of his past. A really touching drama actually. I could identify with it because he suffered from rage attacks and had to go to meetings for it, that made me laugh because i have had the same kind of anger problems.

          • Sight Vnseen
          • IronLawnmower

            He was an NCR spy in fallout 2

      • Scrimm

        That has ruined many a game for me.

        • W.

          I hate forgetting to save after key moments.

    • IronLawnmower

      I remember doing a psychopath play through of the game. It was literally impossible to complete because I couldn’t enter a town without everyone trying to blow my brains out.

    • Very difficult first few hours. Intimidating.

      • W.

        That initial learning curve is pretty steep, especially if you wander away from Goodspring and find a radscorpion.

        • Death

          On first playthrough I got raped by deathclaws because I was in the wrong place while not high enough leveled. I also was stuck because I needed to go to one place, but there were a fuck ton of deathclaws before it and I was underleveled.

          • Gurp

            I think I know that exact place where you got raped.

          • W.

            Is it the quarry?

          • Stockhausen

            Man, you guys are a bunch of nerds.

          • Gurp

            Oh yeah!

    • Gurp

      I got it on Steam sale this summer to try out modding for the first time, but I still haven’t gotten around to it.

      • Death

        Nexus mod manager makes it pretty easy.

    • Sponge Of Mystery

      thats one of the best games ever, whenre they gonna make a fallout 4? 🙁

      • Death

        Let them take their time to make it really good. Aparently they’re working on it.

        • Sponge Of Mystery

          that’s what i’ve heard too but they’ve been saying that forevsss

          • Death

            It will come when its time comes, Mr. Sponge. When it comes even Mr. Krabs will feel it.

  • IronLawnmower

    Last night I realised something important. I should not drink. This realisation came to me after being told I lost an expensive jacket and shoes in a totally different town to the one we where in and I was singing a mash up of california uber alles and a la mode in a park.

    • W.

      Iron Lawnmower went on a rampage!

      • IronLawnmower

        Also I went for a ride in a tescos trolly and one of my comrades burst a full bottle of lemonade and it sprayed all over the car park including several strangers cars.

        • W.

          There’s no stopping him.

          • IronLawnmower

            It was a fun nite. Never again. I’m tempted to post the photo where I look like an insane rapist.

          • Pls

          • IronLawnmower

            http://i.imgur.com/5lDnbUm.jpg

            Guess which one I am.

          • Death

            I thought you were a guy.

          • IronLawnmower

            Don’t troll me I know the owner of apple.

          • Death

            Do you know who you’re talking to? I know Bill Gates!

          • IronLawnmower

            I AM BILL GATES. I DYED MY HAIR BLONDE AND MOVED TO A SHITHOLE. ALSO I GOT FAT.

          • Death

            I happen to be Bill Gates’s father and you’re not my son!

          • IronLawnmower

            LOVE ME DADDY. AND MY FRIEND IN THE SPIDER MAN SHIRT. SHE STOPPED ME KILLING MYSELF ON THE ROAD.

          • Death

            I aiiiin’t yer daddy!

          • IronLawnmower

            Can you be my leather daddy?

          • Death

            I don’t know what that means.

          • IronLawnmower

            Just tie me up and don’t ask questions.

          • Death

            I don’t swing that way, sir. I need you to move on.

          • IronLawnmower

            That’s actually what the police man said last night.

          • Death

            Your life seems strange to me.

          • IronLawnmower

            I have fun times. First time I’ve actually got drunk. Before that I drank a 2 litre bottle of coke and got hyper but sad and started ranting about porn hub (according to friends)

          • Death

            I don’t have fun times and don’t drink alcohol. That’s the difference between us

          • IronLawnmower

            Try shouting SEX OF FUCK at the top of your lungs next time and making weird arm movement.

          • Death

            No thanks, mate. I’m not about that kind of life. I like being boring.

          • IronLawnmower

            Well yeah being death must be a drag on the social life.

          • Death

            It certainly keeps annoying people away.

          • IronLawnmower

            I had to deal with a bunch of weaboos. One of them looked about 12 and kept hitting me with a toy sonic screw driver saying I was dead. I told him “The Doctor never kills people you know that right?” and he kinda looked awkward and went away.

          • Death

            do you mean doctor who?

          • IronLawnmower

            Yeah.

          • Death

            As a person that has never watched it, I always have to quess when people talk about a doctor.

          • IronLawnmower

            I’ve watched a few episodes and I get the general idea behind the character.

          • Death

            People keep saying to me “d000d, watch the show” but I’m like nah. Not really interested in it.

          • IronLawnmower

            If you like light hearted campy british humour it’ll be your bag. It’s not my bag as I prefer my media to be dark, brutal and nihilistic. Except when I’m sad then I watch chick flicks.

          • Death

            I don’t really watch modern tv shows. I never like them. Comedy is not the same as it used to be. At least I still have all my monty python DVDs

          • IronLawnmower

            Monty Python is the shit man.

          • Death

            Yeeeee duud! I was watching their last live show. It was shown live in movie theaters around the world. Loved it.

          • IronLawnmower

            Sometimes I wish I could be bothered with live things and going to the cinema ;-;

          • Death

            I’m not too much of an live guy either. I have only been watching one live concert by a band and it was this year

          • IronLawnmower

            I prefer being able to pause at my lesiure to go take a piss or whatever bullshit I have to do.

          • Death

            I would probably hate going to metal shows or many live shows in general. Too many people there. I would be annoyed as fuck. And then the drunk people. I can’t fucking stand being around drunk people.

          • IronLawnmower

            I have a weird issue going to metal shows where I find it hard to make anything out and it just sounds like a wall of sound to me. I think it’s something wrong with my ears.

          • Death

            Could be. I wonder if I would be able to go to a metal show without being charged of murder.

          • IronLawnmower

            I’m looking forward to the time coming when I must play live, It’s going to be a hoot and a half.

          • Death

            I’m gonna come and boo you guys just for fun.

          • IronLawnmower

            Get over here ya sexy finn.

          • Death

            I’m the very antithesis of sexy.

          • IronLawnmower

            David Cameron?

          • Death

            I’m less sexy.

          • IronLawnmower

            that doesn’t sound possible

          • Death

            He is a hunk compared to me.

          • IronLawnmower

            At least you don’t try and ban porn

          • Death

            I don’t have that kind of power. If it would piss a lot of people off, I could consider it.

          • IronLawnmower

            Just kill em instead. Much more humane.

          • Death

            That’s not how I roll. I like it when they suffer first.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Watch the show, it’s so good!

          • Death

            NO
            NO
            NO
            NO
            NO
            NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Yes, yes yes yes yeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssss!!!!

          • We have the same hair!

          • IronLawnmower

            YAY TWINZIES

    • Never change who you are.

      • IronLawnmower

        I promise not too.

  • Gurp

    Motley Crue’s ballads are just the worst.

    • IronLawnmower
      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        Don’t get carried away or we are going to only end up with only 5 GOOD crue songs in their entire discography.

      • Knight Solaire
        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          This album cover is hilarious and the song is good as well.

    • Songs.
      Damn you autocorrect

      • Stockhausen

        Hahahaha.

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      yes, the songs are so flaccid they do not even have the balls to be called power ballads.

      • Gurp

        What’s more, since its Motley Crue singing about romantic love, they’re the most insincere pieces of music ever written.

  • W.

    Hey @joethrashnkill:disqus and @metaphysicalanus:disqus, there currently aren’t any bands using Deathclaw as a name.

    • Cock ov Steele

      Everybody else who thought of the name probably thought Deathclaw was taken like 5 times by other bands haha. With that being said I haven’t found anyone using Sludgechurch as a name.

      • W.

        Sludgechurch is a great name.

    • Knight Solaire

      could be a good name for a crust punk band

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    #Flush

  • Death

    Flush pumpkin spice latte down and drink real coffee!

    • JWG

      It could be worse.

      The “pumpkin spice Chai” that a bunch of local(-ish) coffee shops independently came up with this season seems like an affront to both coffee, which it’s not, *and* tea, which it is.

      It’s nowhere near the pinnacle of hipster concoctions, but it’s getting there…

      • Death

        I’m glad that we don’t have a starbucks here in my city. We mostly have real coffee shops.

        • JWG

          I thought there were Starbucks everywhere. Living a 6-hour trip away from the epicenter (Seattle) probably accounts for that biased view, though. There’s practically one on every third block of the ‘Downtown’ area here. And it’s definitely more prevalent over in Vancouver.

          Add to that the local, regional, and national chains of other Coffee Shops (not to mention other single-shop operations) and you can’t really go more than a block without running into one.

          We conform admirably to that stereotype about the Pacific Northwest.

          …Also yoga pants worn year ’round. Although in that case I’m not necessarily complaining.

          • Death

            There are starbucks in the larger cities here.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I like Tim Horton’s better. There’s a lot of them down in the city and they are so good.

    • I WILL STOMP ALL OVER YOU IN MY YOGA PANTS AND UGG BOOTS

      • Death

        Come say that to my face, you fuck!

  • That Necromancing the Stone song is just soooo fucking bad.
    So bad.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      That band is truly unlovable. They fucking suck and I don’t get why people like them.

    • Jöhnny Crünch™

      What do you expect when their band name is inspired by a Kathleen Tuner/Michael Douglas movie?

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    This day in metal – 1954 – one of the greatest shredders and hard rock songwriters of all time was born – Mr. Scary – the one and only dokken architect GEORGE LYNCH.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      He is such a good guitarist. He’s not my favorite, that would be Michael Schenker, but he is amazing.

    • Thanks Conan!

      GL

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    …..hypocrisy has a stench all it’s own………….

  • Mother Shabubu III

    That In Flames song is a mess. It’s like three songs going on at once, and not in a good way. You have the meldo-deathified, polyrhythmic riff. Then you have that weird nü verse. Then a massive, soaring clean vocal chorus. None of it jives together, nor belongs together.

  • Scrimm

    The still of that In Flames video before you push play(don’t do it) looks like Anders is showing someone the way he smokes a pole.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    That Motley Crue song is garbage. It was also co written by Bryan Adams. On the other hand I love the new In Flames album and I always will, so Rusted Nail is unworthy of being called a whiff.

  • THE SPICE MUST FLOW