Whiff o’ The Week (9/21/14)

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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of sweet jams, it was the epoch of total bummers. It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness. It was the spring of poser’s hope, it was the winter of kvltists’ despair. We had everything before us; a few of us were going direct to Heaven, most of us were going direct the other way. In short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for riff or whiff, in the superlative degree of comparison only. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

W.

Today I’m flushing all the riffs on the newest Pallbearer album. I know my man Edward is a big fan, but although his word is like gold to me, I just can’t dig this. All of the Foundations of Burden made me want to take a nap. Metal should not do that.


The Masterlord

“Hey guys I have a great idea. Let’s take one of the most decent riffs on this album and ruin it with a children’s choir or some shit chanting ‘Hey, ho, let’s fucking go/Hey, ho, let’s get up and rock n’ roll!’ Great idea, huh?”

“Hold on, are you sure people are going to be cool with that? It sounds like it could be kind of lame.”

“Lame? Wha- no dude. Sounding lame is what makes it cool. Trust me on this. I know a thing or two about being super cool. We’re fucking legends! They’ll be eating it right out of our hands!”

“You’re right, man! We wrote Leviathan once so we can pretty much do whatever we want! High five!”


Leif Bearikson

This is a pretty obvious one, but I heard it for the first time in a while this week and dear God is it worse than I remember. This shit still gets played in hockey arenas? HOW?


Stockhausen

The new single from Slipknot starts out with one mighty whiff that reeks of insincere angst and aging-tuff-guy laziness. It’s like watching a middle aged fat guy trying to squeeze into his leisure suit from his disco glory days. It doesn’t help that it also sounds a 12-year-old Demon Hunter riff.


Jack Bauer

This song is an overcooked anus tart. Everything about it just sounds even more half-lolbuttzed and mailed in than other BVB stuff that I’ve had the misfortune of hearing.


Bozlinger

Hmmm, in 1998 I was in a Nu-metal band. Why? Because I was 16-years-old for fucks sake! As time went forward I changed my ways, left it behind me. I went on to other things, aka, taste. Now Motionless In White seems to think the people that were around that time no longer remember the striped pants they once wore. I do. Shame, FOR SHAME! Motionless In White are a combination of goth “fuckin’ kinda” and everything else that came out in, let’s say, 1999-2001. Though the children of this decade may eat this up, let’s just give them a big hug and apologize.


Howard Dean

What sucked last week?

Life. 

Praise death. Total Satan.

[W.- I’m really not sure what to put here, so here’s something super lulzy.]


365 Days of Horror

This is a whiff because it sounds like what guitarists play during practice when their drummer is still setting up. Also, it sounds like Mustaine is about to mess up every 5 seconds.


Randall Thor

2:30 inspires an unquenchable rage within me. That “lead guitar” is the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

http://open.spotify.com/track/1nva4Bqg4s38fn95PlIkCh


Scrimm

Ok. I first heard this a couple weeks ago when I was lured in by the “lolbuttz” description in This Toilet Tuesday, but I’m still pissed about it. Some of you may have suffered the same awful fate. I actually pulled it up to see if it was as bad as I remembered, and it’s actually worse. Couldn’t force myself through one full minute of this garbage. I’m not sure whats worse, the song or that vocalist’s hair. I don’t know how these guys play live without getting their asses kicked.


Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

 

  • Welp, now that you guys have shit on the biggest names in metal our list of potential sponsors has taken another hit.

    Here’s my whiff of the week. This is literally the most annoying collection of sounds I can imagine.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJfFZqTlWrQ

    • ALSO, I FINALLY FIXED THE DNS PROBLEMS FINALLY!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    • W.

      To be fair, I’m pretty sure we killed any chances we have at comradery with Pitchfork a long time ago.

      • Edward Meehan

        I’ll accept a glowing review of myself alongside the thrashing of Foundations of Burden, lol.

        • W.

          Edward > Pallbearer

          • Edward Meehan

            I Shall Die Here > Foundations of Burden

      • Gurp

        Does Pitchfork rub shoulders with any metal outlets? Their approach to the things we love seems to be “meh, whatever, mind not blown 7/10”

        • Edward Meehan

          I think they’re in pretty good with some other metal outlets because a few of their regular metal writers also write for a buttload of other sites.

          • Gurp

            Color me surprised.

        • Doctor Dickless

          It ain’t Neutral Milk Hotel 0/10 worst thing ever – Pitchfork.

          • Gurp

            0/10 not Arctic Monkeys

        • There’s a piece some of us have been talking about for a while about the handful of metal bands Pitchfork decides to champion.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I tend to appreciate at least one of the cats they have talking about metal, Brandon Stosuy or somesuch. Guy seems to have a legit understanding/appreciation of what he listens to, on more than just a surface or “hipster” level.

          • Gurp

            I encourage this piece to come to fruition.

    • Edward Meehan

      Cash rules everything around me, cream, get the money, dolla dolla bills y’all

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBwAxmrE194

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        Have you heard the Wugazi mash-up. I’ve given it maybe a thousand, maybe even a hundred spins just this month.

        • Edward Meehan

          I have! In fact I think I have it on this computer somewhere but I listened to it once some time ago.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I don’t like Fugazi or Wu very much but that song rubs me the right way

    • IronLawnmower

      This is literally the catchiest song I have ever heard and I wish it wasn’t.

      • REALLY!?!?! I like pop but man this sounds like liquid garbage to me.

        • W.

          There was a Pink song that came out when I was younger that I really liked. Just like a Pill.

          • She did a song with eminem on one of his albums that i actually kind of dig the chorus of but idk the name.

          • Scrimm

            Amazing how you mention that and the whole thing pops right into my head though I haven’t heard that in years. I had an ex that liked whatever album that was from.

          • W.

            I have no idea what the album is. I just remember downloading the track off Limewire back when I did that sort of thing.

        • crazytaco_12

          Totally agree with you. That riff is so fucking lazy and horrible, I don’t know how someone could like it. Amazingly generic, fart pop/rock chorus. 7/5 flushes

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      FLUSH EM ALL, AND FLUSHING NO RAGRETS!

      • Dëpütÿ Dïpshït

        NOT EVEN A SINGLE LETTER?

    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      I’m not sure what that was but that was pretty terrible. The only thing worse sounding than that is starting a car while a cat is asleep on the manifold.

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    This shit is a fucking DISASTER on EVERY possible level, but I truly CANNOT decide which is worse:

    -The fact that they got SIGNED by MADONNA to MAVERICK?

    -The DJ’s bitch tits? (See :45)

    -The “serious” lyrical content (Oh my JESUS CUNT see the two minute mark-“I
    can’t! I’m pregnant! YOU HAVE NO MONEY!”) #innercitystruggle

    -The reviewer on AMAZON claiming to be the drummer giving his OWN album “2
    Stars?” (He gave FRIENDS Seasons 1-8 “5 Stars” though).

    -The fact that in 1993, the 17 year-old version of me watched this video
    featuring sweaty, shirtless black men circle-pitting in a fucking shack
    on Headbangers Ball and thought to himself-“I am going to BUY this cd.”

    I still have it.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mFnqlyeFqE

    • IronLawnmower

      This is so 90’s it’s painful.

      • W.

        I kept expecting Hootie & the Blowfish to pop up.

    • WOW. Those bars are… something else. I tried googling Proper Grounds and just came up with a bunch of coffee shops.

    • Gurp

      >Jezebel
      That might be the root of it’s problems.

    • If I didn’t see this, I’d say it was a Hootie and the Blowfish/Body Count collab gone horribly wrong.

      • W.

        Hootie mentioned twice on a metal blog? Who’s getting that fat royalty check?

    • crazytaco_12

      Though this was hilarious and horrible, just about anything Body Count puts out is going to be worse. ex. “Born Dead” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-kwNNLmhd8

      • The Satan Ov Nvklear Hell

        careful about talking shit, Ice T said “talk shit, get shot”

        • crazytaco_12

          I’ll take my chances haha. EDIT: 5 minutes after I posted that comment, Ice-T came to my house and shot me, the threat is real gentleman

  • IronLawnmower

    Jesus that megadeth riff sounds like a bad motley crue song made worse.

    On another yet yesterday two girls ran into me and starting fangirling and smelling my hair saying it was better than hers and saying they loved me (I’m apprantly facebook famous for being funny and I wasn’t aware) and one of them danced with me. Yesterday was a weird day.

    • W.

      You got your first groupies! Congratulations.

      • IronLawnmower

        It’s actually not the first time I’ve been recognised. Around the start of summmer some guy with no shirt on who’d just took a piss and forgot to put his equipment away ran up and hugged me and was like “YOURUR SOOOO FUCKIN FUNNY MATE I LOVE YOU ON FACEBOOK! U USED TO BE A CUNT BUT YOURE OKAY NOW HAHAHAHA GIMMIE A HUG AALEX!!” So at least this time was hot girls.

        • W.

          Well, next time I see you I know what to do.

    • Gurp

      Context for fame?

      • IronLawnmower

        I’m apparently really funny on Facebook.

    • JWG

      Lucky guy. The only time I’ve ever been randomly approached by two girls (acting into me) was as part of an utterly mean practical joke orchestrated by the entire female population of my junior high school band.

      …Both ‘one girl’ and ‘three girl’ encounters have worked out better in my favour, though (no, not like that. I wish).

    • well-maintained hair is no laughing matter. i’ve always got something to spark up a conversation with girls of the opposite sex!

      • TrickleDownTacoRiff

        i enjoyed it back in the day….as far as I can remember..

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    Meridian was bad. Terribad (do people still say that?). But Black Satans was kind of meant to be bad as it is a parody. But I can forgive Howard Dean, knowing how busy he must be with the upcoming elections and all.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      If The Black Satans were not an obvious parody, would people still realise?

      • Gurp
        • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

          Hehe, love it! Seth Putnam was kind of a genius in his strange little way.

        • KJM

          All these songs were recorded in my friends basement/kitchen(not sure). Alas, I was not there to witness this moment.

    • W.

      I know they’re a parody. HD didn’t actually send me a song, so I just threw that in there because it’s funny.

    • IronLawnmower

      http://youtu.be/wHYcza8E3g8 this is the greatest riff ever

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        The hell did I just watch. Was that an actual commercial? What the f were they thinking!?

        • IronLawnmower

          Yes it’s an actual commercial. I think I’ll stick with Audio Technica.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I’ll never buy another Sennheiser.

          • IronLawnmower

            Don’t you want your ears loved sensually? This had some strong BDSM overtones. Even though I’m into that they really didn’t need to make it seem so creepy as all fuck.

          • W.

            Too be fair Sennheiser makes great products.

          • old_man_doom

            My Hd280’s have lasted for 4 years, but I think I need to migrate over to the ATH50’s.

          • W.

            My friend gave me some HD 202’s for being in his wedding. They have great sound, but my ears are really sensitive to having stuff press on them, so unfortunately I can’t wear them for very long. I pretty much have to stick to earbuds.

          • Edward Meehan

            I can only do earbuds that have that new felt tip on them and it’s still pretty awkward.

          • IronLawnmower

            I love my ATH-M30s. Super duper comfortable and you don’t even feel them there. (I have a small foreheady skull area so YMMV)

          • W.

            I’m sure if I wanted to make an investment I could find some good ones that encircle the ear rather than press on it, but I don’t have the scratch for that at the moment.

          • IronLawnmower

            The USA is really into some deep debt innit?

          • W.

            All those drones are expensive.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I guess you can’t be good at everything. Good products (they are) means bad commercials, as bad as those Megadeth tunes.

          • W.

            I thought it was funny.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Funny, maybe. Weird, affirmative. Does it make me wanna go buy Sennheiser, Absolutely no.

          • Scrimm

            That they do. I have a pair that I use for recording headphones. Not sure what kind.

  • guest

    ughhh, that Mastodon album was fun to listen to for maybe a week. On the plus side I do enjoy the further emphasis on Brann’s vocals

    • W.

      I too love Brann’s vocals. The Creature Lives was one of my favorite’s off The Hunter.

      • crazytaco_12

        Fuck yes, “Creature Lives” is my shit. Just sounds like a folk song from a distant land I know nothing about.

        • guest

          I’ll third that, I think his vocals fit better with the newer sound

  • old_man_doom

    Wow, it’s like whoever wrote that Black Veil Brides song said, “hey, you know that hype intro we just wrote? Well, let’s put in there again. In the intro. Right after the very first one.”

    Also, nice Beksinski art. If there’s one artist who embodies extreme metal, I think it’s him.
    Also, lolbuttz

    • W.

      Beksinski slays posers with steel. Easily one of my favorite surrealist artists. Just trying to inject a little culture up in here.

  • Scrimm

    That Mastadon part is so bad. I wish I had thought of that.

  • Xan

    I hate to do this, but I am going to have to flush Dubya. I loved the new Pallbearer album. I guess music is subjective.

    • Edward Meehan

      I really dig it, too. Great music to play in the car. I could listen to the first few minutes of the first song over and over and over.

    • W.

      Flush accepted, my man.

      • Mr.CustodialArts

        If I have to see a dude’s ass on a record cover, it’s gonna be this:
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJJSe4YnhYU

        • TheCheezFace .

          What a great album.

        • Tyree

          Yeah, that ass is fine.

          • TrickleDownTacoRiff

            looked shaved…

        • FeelTheDarkness

          The naked guy always reminded me of David Bowie.

          • TrickleDownTacoRiff

            Its like an ass Rorscach test..

      • i got your back W. cosigning on metal not inducing naps.

        • TrickleDownTacoRiff

          i love a good (drool inducing ) nap tho…until I wake up. ANGRY…

  • Elite Extremophile

    My friend has started getting into this band called dangerkids and they’re actually worse than the name would have you believe. Imagine if the rapper from linkin park joined memphis may fire. 6/5 flushes, toilet overflows.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-86VbIDOlLo

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      A band called Dangerkids can’t make music worse than the name, that’s how bad it is.

    • This is even worse. It was a heated battle between these guys and bvb for my whiff. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEarCOLR7gQ

      • Doctor Dickless

        Sounds like something you would secretly like.

        • I don’t blame you for thinking that, being from an imaginary land and all, but you are very very wrong.

          • Doctor Dickless

            I may not believe you. You are being too defensive about this.

          • lol I wouldn’t call this defensive.

          • Doctor Dickless

            “You are very very wrong.” That’s pretty defensive, mate.

          • IF ONLY THE CHICAGO BEARS WERE DEFENSIVE

          • Doctor Dickless

            I bet that there’s a joke in there, but not a joke for me to understand.

          • W.

            The American football team he likes has been very bad for a very long time.

          • Doctor Dickless

            Thanks mate! I can always count on you to explain these American things I don’t understand.

          • Man I wish it was that simple. They have been good but not good enough to get anywhere past the first game of the playoffs for years.

          • W.

            Well, at least they aren’t the Cubs.

          • pff fuck baseball anyway.

          • W.

            Now that is something with which I can agree.

          • Doctor Dickless

            Let me join this hate. Pesäpallo (a little different version of American baseball) is so fucking popular here.

          • video?

          • Doctor Dickless

            You can’t find one yourself? Fine, here’s one.
            https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BFJMZnEmxrk

      • Elite Extremophile

        yes but I hear this every time I ride in the car with him. that may be worse but have you heard it 67 times? I try and play cattle decapitation for him and he likes it, however, there may be hope yet.

    • Gurp

      Ugh. It’s like stepping in something that stinks but there’s no hose nearby.

      • I think it’s more like stepping in something that stinks but the nearby hose sprays only hot liquid poop.

  • Bözlinger

    Black Satan’s fucking rule!

    • W.

      I just tossed them in for kicks because HD didn’t have any music.

      • Howard Dean

        I didn’t expect you to actually post what I wrote on Facebook! Hahahaha that’s fucking awesome.

        • W.

          I’m glad to earn your approval. Your comment was the epitome of the Whiff. Byah!

  • Doctor Dickless

    The Black Satans is the best Finnish band.

  • Gurp

    IT CAME! IT CAME!!!!! I CAN STOP HYPERVENTILATING

    I actually haven’t listened to Mastodon since Crack the Skye.

    • IronLawnmower

      Hope you wiped it up after.

      • Gurp

        IT STAINED MY CLOTHES.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    The end of Aunt Lisa is pretty darned goofy but I can’t bring myself to hate it. It’s a mixture of wrong headed, awkward and earnest that I don’t exactly relish but have at least a little smile for.

    • JWG

      I love it because it’s just such an out-of-left-field thing to have done. Plus, it reminds me of the complete opposite end (e.g. the intro) to the following very different tune:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dian8ayORuo

    • RuIN?

      I didn’t mind I either. The riff is not so ‘great’ that it is ‘ruined’ by the kid chorus. It’s a cool riff made a little corny. No biggie.

    • Mother Shabubu III

      The part before the ending sounds totally like a riff from Faith No More.

      http://youtu.be/zAUXPkx7gMI?t=2m40s

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    That black satans belongs on the best video ever list.

    5/5 Flushes to all of the rest for sure. Have fun moving that oh so heavy pool table

    • Count_Breznak

      Morbid Anal Fog.

  • The Satan Ov Nvklear Hell

    I loved the new mastodon, 0/5 flushes.

    • W.

      I too loved it. Probably won’t make my year-end list, though.

    • crazytaco_12

      I personally couldn’t give it a 0/5; album was super front-loaded sounding to me. The second half just loses me; I like “Ember City” and “Aunt Lisa” to an extent, but it’s completely destroyed by that kid choir thing.

    • Doctor Dickless

      I didn’t listen to it. I honestly have never been a big Mastodon fan. Only album I’ve heard and own is Blood Mountain.

      • Lacertilian

        At least try Leviathan.

      • Sponge Of Mystery

        Get Crack The Skye, I personally think Leviathan is super overrated, I love it cuz I love Mastodon, but I don’t think it’s their magnum opus, Crack the Skye does it for me

  • Doctor Dickless

    So, is that first song on the Pallbearer album a Journey cover ?

  • The Black Dahlia Burger

    That slipknot video sounds like it was recorded through a tin can, that’s not what the song sounds like. Not saying anyone should like it or anything but this is the actual audio https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgA7KIwKlOE

    • W.

      I was going to link to that video, but for some reason youtube wanted me to log in or some crap.

      • The Black Dahlia Burger

        Probably because of the weird nipple-less tits

        • W.

          Ah, that makes sense.

    • Doctor Dickless

      This will probably make me lose everything I have left of my metal cred, if I even have any. I didn’t hate The Devil In I. While I dislike Slipknot, I thought that song was not that horrible. It was decent.

      • W.

        This is a safe place for admitting you like something people hate or hate something people like if you can handle the backlash.

        • Doctor Dickless

          I was born in backlash. Molded by it.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            If you were born in backlash than I am backlash incarnate.

          • Doctor Dickless

            Where have you been? Haven’t seen you here a lot.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I’ve been working. I wish I would have been on here more often.

      • The Black Dahlia Burger

        I actually liked it a lot too and have no problem admitting that. I even thought the video was cool with them all killing their former selves.

        • W.

          We need people like you here.

          • The Black Dahlia Burger

            Happy to be here.

        • I’ve always liked you. You aren’t afraid of telling other people you like bands that are looked down upon or whatever.

          • The Black Dahlia Burger

            Awww <3 Get ready for this: 3 of my favorite bands are Rise Against, The Black Dahlia Murder, and A Day to Remember. How's that for controversy?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            That’s nothing. I love the new In Flames album, I love all nu metal bands and I love hair metal. I hate most bands that metalheads like such as Archspire and most power metal.

          • Count_Breznak

            Power metal is the real Hair metal. They actually use conditioner, not like those yoga pants wearing dryblower cunts. You can’t look like Legolas with those split ends.
            (and it’s pretty clear that you are just in it for the hair,)

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            No, I love hair metal. WASP is one of my favorite bands ever.

          • The Black Dahlia Burger

            Oh that’s bold friend, I like it

          • Don’t tell anyone, but I love all 3 of those bands. shhhhh

          • W.

            Ewwww

          • The Black Dahlia Burger

            Your secret’s safe with me, I promise

          • I really like some ADTR stuff. I came up on pop punk in the early 2000s and they hit some sweet spots for me.

          • The Black Dahlia Burger

            They’re just so much fun to listen to. I could listen to For Those Who Have Heart all day long

          • I think you and I have very similar tastes in music!

          • The Black Dahlia Burger

            It sure does seem like it.

      • hey, I found a band that claims to be from finland. Are you aware of them? https://encryptedofficial.bandcamp.com/releases

        • Doctor Dickless

          Never heard of them, but those sure are Finnish names. Sounds pretty good.

  • George Clarke

    guys no

    pallbearer is good i give two thumbs up!

  • JWG

    I played the whole Pallbearer album because I like it a lot. No flushes. None whatsoever.

    Doom is my meta subgenre of preference, though, regardless of the sub-subgenre and/or approach (and/or crossover elements).

    Plus, I’ve spent years in academia cultivating the exact opposite of a short attention span, which probably makes me doubly the target audience because I’m a total and complete nerd.

    • W.

      I knew my opinion would be contradictory to a lot of people, but I stand but it. Also, I know what you mean by academia and attention span. That’s probably why I like the proggier strains of extreme metal. Approaching the end of my PhD, finally.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    This is my whiff. I love Iron Butterfly and all but they should have given up by 2012. I also want to punch the singer in the face really badly. I’m saddened that I have to put a version of this great song as a whiff.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pA7V68w5hiA

  • Leif Bearikson

    Pallbearer is the best thing to happen to metal since Deafheaven.

  • RuIN?

    MasterLord makes some excellent points, per usual. Also, I just heard a large portion of DemonHunter’s catalog on Prime Music. I don’t know what the popular opinion is of them around here. But I found them to be real solid. I missed out on them. Liked it. Dug it. You know.

    • W.

      I haven’t listened to them in years, but I did use to like them. Their cover of “Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck” is solid.

    • Scrimm

      They have some good stuff.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    Mastodon have become the Foo Fighters of metal/sludge metal.

    I did enjoy “Diamond in the Witch House” a lot though.

  • Tyree

    So much flush here.

  • really enjoyed this Whiff of the Week! great job guys.

    • Doctor Dickless

      I think that you’re not supposed to enjoy these songs, Jimmy.