Whiff o’ the Week (5/3/2015)

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“In a world of monotonous horror there could be no salvation in wild dreaming. Horror he had adjusted to. But monotony was the greater obstacle, and he realized it now, understood it at long last. And understanding it seemed to give him a sort of quiet peace, a sense of having spread all the cards on his mental table, examined them, and settled conclusively on the desired hand.”

Lay your cards on the table and see that your hand has come up short. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Last time we met, we had a free-for-all of riffs from every style and discipline. Not only did Ron Deuce claim victory in Riff ov the Week, but he also obliterated everyone else in whiffs. Congrats, Ronny Boy. You are the soldering iron of justice.

rd1

 

Next time we meet, I’ve got a bit of a challenge for you, courtesy of my favorite time lizard, the depraved Aussie reptile Lacertilian. Here’s your task: find and submit the worst Mike Patton whiff. The guy has played with every band ever, so it shouldn’t be that hard, right? Don’t forget the rules:

  • Send me your whiff at toiletovhellwhiff@gmail.com.
  • Include a blurb and your disqus handle.
  • No Fred Durst. I don’t think they’ve ever worked together, but I can’t be certain.

Alright, this week, we’re talking about the nastiest ear-worms. Bring the thunder.


W.

Many soldiers returning from the first conflict with Iraq were left hollow and broken shells, utterly drained by Gulf War Syndrome. Curiously, psychologists have noticed a very similar trend among those returning from Country Jam. Their professional opinion is that driving your lifted F-150 off a bridge is the only long term solution.


Blowy Joey

At the end of the evening in those rare moments of silence and self reflection, I hear a murmur. Low and dull, it increases in frequency and volume, tearing a gaping hole through my psyche. “I’M IN LOVE WITH THE COCO.” I will never know the sound of silence again. Suicide is the only answer.


Masterpants

The very idea that something so shitty can become so obdurately stuck in your head is proof that the human experience is a fucking mockery of virtue. Just end it.


Jacque Bauer

I’m not a fan of Britney Spears in the least, unlike our resident tapir, but goddamn if this song doesn’t get lodged in my head every time without fail. It’s always that damn violin “riff”. I hate this song but I also know the chorus by heart because of how fucking stuck it gets in my brain.


Celtic Frosty

I don’t really understand anything that’s happening in that video. Why are there prisoners?


Maik Beninton

Sorry JJD, I know you love this band but I can enjoy Evanescence more than this.


Ronny D.

This song is proof that rap and metal do not mix. It’s also proof that 4th tier metalcore bands should not be covering rap songs. The fact that you got Ice-T on the song does not give you street cred. Upon A Burning Body’s amps are turned up for what?


IronLawnmower

Na na na na na. Na na na na na.


Rusty Shackleford

Fuck disco. Fuck this four on the floor bass drum. Fuck Kiss. This is such an abomination, yet… my groove senses are tingling. GOD DAMMIT PETER CRISS YOU STOP THAT GROOVING RIGHT NOW *sobs* *hands in kvlt card* *paints face* FLUSH!


Paris Hilton

This is a “flushable” whiff by metalhead standards, but not mine. I think this song is fucking brilliant! My love of Top 40 is no secret- and it’s jams like this that further solidify my plebeian status. The vocal melody along with Becky G‘s absolutely lovely vocal style make this tune one YOU should have for your Summer 2k15 Playlist. If you’re into that kind of thing, of course.


Esusmoose

There’s catchy, and then there’s bad but you like it so you listen to it a lot. I’m fairly certain this an experiment in torturing individuals; it’s catchy but holy hell is it awful. It’s basically a musical abortion.


Dagon

This was THE SHIT back when I was 12/13 years old. It was ages since I last listened to this song, but the lyrics are still embedded in me. I’M NOT OKAAAAAAAAY. Honorable mentions: Fall Out Boy, Blink 182.


Alice

I could nominate any song written by a band signed to Fueled By Ramen. Visual edge and sugary music that will take over your soul if you listen to too much of it. Good thing they’re probably bankrupt right now. I guess.


Moshito

Face: alarmingly punchable. Subject Matter: horrid. Other Redeeming Qualities: even less than Nickelback. Catchiness: broke my E-meter.


Shimmering Spear

I’m usually a sucker for melodeath, but this is some of the tritest garbage to ever bore its way into my ears. Every melodic death metal cliche you can think of is at play here. I could have realistically picked any point in this mess as a whiff, but the real insult is the chorus (1:28). Combine an obnoxiously catchy melody with some of the worst clean vocals ever and you’ve got yourself an earworm too repugnant even for Khan Noonien Singh to consider.


Ted Nü-Djent

Sorry Dr. W, but this song grates me to no end and gets stuck in my head. [W. Note- The Diamond Dogs are currently zeroing in on your location. You’ll be dead by the time everyone reads this.]


Stockhausen

There are few people I want to kick harder than the singer for My Chemical Romance. I don’t know his name, but it’s probably Johnny Suicidey and I bet he refers to himself as “just a boy who wants to love” regularly. Anyway, it wouldn’t even be a really violent, damaging kick; I just want to wear some heavy shoes, wind up, and just nail him right in the shin, so it just ruins his day but isn’t going to send him to the doctor. Then I’d wait a few days until the bruise almost went away, and do it again. This is a light punishment for that supremely catchy chorus in this pathetic feels-fest of a song. I hate it, but I know it’ll be stuck in my head for the next three days.


 

Leif Bearikson

There is no greater evil on this earth that Bon Jovi. They’re like an evil, fecal robot pumping out infectious piece of shit after infectious piece of shit, and this is their crowning turd jewel. I hope you fucking die on those docks, Tommy.


There you have it. Now you must decide. For which of these songs is suicide the only solution?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 03-05-2015 09:00:00
end_date 04-05-2015 00:00:00
Poll Results:
Poll o' the Weak 22
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.
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  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

    Wanted to submit this turd but couldn’t that sunday, and I figured it would have been too late by monday.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sue_ufnvqcs

  • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

    Rusty, that KISS song is a goddamn abomination. But Id be lying if I didn’t say it was catchy as fuck.

    *whispers under breath* …I was made for loving you baby, you were made for loving me…

    • Óðhinn

      Yup. Sadly, Kiss are far better at disco than they are at metal.

      • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

        But… but Kiss are good at nothing.

        • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

          I see that you don’t like to rock and roll all night or party every day.

          • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

            No, I like to do meaningful things, like sitting on my arse, playing video games, pretending I front shitty metalcore bands, etc.

  • Óðhinn
  • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

    I think Spear or Rusty or Ron deserve to win for actually staying the realm of metal.

    • MoshOff

      Implying ToaD aren’t metal.

      FOR SHAME

    • Óðhinn

      Maybe. I was obligated to vote for you though. My hatred of all things Toby Keith is just that strong. I even resisted voting for that total piece of shit Ice T Song. That’s how much I hate Toby Keith.

    • Dagon

      I have listened to your pick 4 times now. I never heard it before.

    • RustyShackleford

      Admittedly, for my pick, a classic hard rock band doing an original disco song is veryyyyyy loosely within the metal realm.

    • It didn’t cross my mind to go with pop songs. Just staying trve.

  • Voting for Rusty. Kiss has to be my least favorite band of all time. What utter ass.

    • Dagon

      I don’t share this sentiment. They have some gems. I still get my pull when listening to Love Gun or Strutter.

      • i would have done the same.

      • To each their own. I have yet to listen to a Kiss song that does anything but bring about thoughts of self-assassination. Then again, I listen to the worst kinds of power metal so I don’t have much ground to stand on.

        • Dagon

          Power metal is my biggest challenge, musically. It’s too hard to like it.

          • The Beargod

            This year I’ve drastically increased my powerdom. I found myself enjoying Rhapsody’s PotDf very much the other day.

          • Dagon

            I can’t do it. Give me Chief Keef over Rhapsody any day. And I don’t even like Chief Keef.

          • The Beargod

            No one likes Chief Keef. And I haven’t even heard him, the name just sounds bad enough.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™
          • Dagon
          • The God Emperor of Mankind
          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

            It should be known by now that I like some power metal. It’s just fun to make fun of.

          • The Beargod

            And so easy to make fun of.

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            I am disappoint.

          • The Beargod

            You never cease to do so.

          • I’m the very typical power metal nerd. I love dragons, nights, medieval warfare and the like. The “glorious” happy sound to much of power metal is what I love about it. I understand that there is a lot of really cheesy power metal but I still love the genre.

          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

            Do you hear that? I believe it’s the sound of a thousand locker doors clattering.

          • Óðhinn
          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles
          • Óðhinn

            The pizza solution sounded pretty solid. 😉

            Some PSAs are worthwhile though. Like this story about Jimmy’s jimmies and how they got rustled.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17u01_sWjRE

          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

            I watched a movie about Alan Turing last night. I was already familiar with him, but it still drove home the tragedy of his punishment.

          • Óðhinn

            I’d like to see that. Was it a drama, documentary?

          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

            Historical drama. The Imitation Game.

          • Óðhinn

            Thanks. That’s staring Benedict Cumberbatch too.

          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

            Yup. And Keira Knightley.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™

            Really good movie.

          • Mother Shabubu III
          • Óðhinn

            That was weird.

          • The God Emperor of Mankind

            That indie hipster neckbeard rendition of Sweet Child of Mine just adds insult to the damn thing.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            I just find it hilarious how perfectly flat they became, and the look of complete apathy of the teachers’ faces.

          • more beer

            Joey should have smoked those joints, then gotten a pizza!

          • Óðhinn
          • Dagon

            I like all that stuff and I used to have the D&D books and all that jazz. Still hate PM, though.

          • I’m in kinda the same boat, in that I love fantasy, but PM just generally doesn’t do it for me.

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          You may enjoy Kiss’ criminally underrated album, The Music From The Elder if you like power metal. It’s not a power metal album per se but the themes definitely lend itself to PM

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=f13rDfQNf0Q

          • CONANtheDjentlyFuckingKING

            i’m under the name of peter neal if you want to look me up on FB

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Can’t find you, hit me up @ Jüd Warren

      • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

        Strutter>>>>>>>>>

    • The Beargod

      Kiss was one of the first, rock bands I started listening to (with Rammstein). And the one that had me looking for more. I’ll probably never flush them, even the few really bad turds they have made.

    • Scrimm

      One of my most hated bands as well. I’m pissed because we have a horror movie convention here next weekend and while places like Texas Frightmare(this weekend) get a Phantasm reunion we get ex members of kiss charging 70 bucks for an autograph.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Which members?

        • Lacertilian

          The flaccid ones

    • RustyShackleford

      I can never hate them, BUT when I heard that we were doing catchy riffs, it had to be disco Kiss. HAD to be.

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

      If it wasn’t for 5SOS, Kiss would have easily won my vote.
      Seriously, fuck both those bands.

    • nbm02ss

      One of my roomies in college had a girlfriend who looked like Paul Stanley.

    • Vladimir Poutine

      I found both My Chemical Romance songs more obnoxious, but voted for Rusty anyway. Because fuck Kiss.

    • john

      Voting the same. KISS is fucking garbage, and it only takes a thread full of shitty pop music where they fit in PERFECTLY to remind us of that.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I love me some Kiss but can understand why readers of a blog of this nature do not

  • Dagon

    I will never flush OT GENASIS because he is the best MC of this decade.

    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      Why do you have to verify your age to watch that video?

      • Edward/Breegrodamus™

        Guns and drugs.

        • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

          I thought Americans were totally cool with guns and coming around to drugs.

      • To confirm you are in love with the Coco.

  • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

    You guys, I’m a butt and screwed up by forgetting to put in Stockhausen’s and Leif’s whiffs in time. If you fancy these whiffs, please add them in as your other option.

  • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

    Frosty wins. My sister always goes on about fucking 5 Seconds Of Shite, without realising that no one else likes that shit. Fuck it, 5SOS win Whiff O’ The Week every week.

    • Celtic Frosty

      There was a period of a few months where every time I went to the entertainment section of Target, I’d hear a snippet of this song on the infinite loop new music ad they play on that little TV above the CD section. This was the first time I’d heard the whole song or seen what those little turds look like. Hoo boy…

      • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

        You poor soul, no one should have to suffer through this.

  • RustyShackleford

    How did we ever elect a man from Texas who DOESNT drink from red solo cups?! DUBYA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?! It’s a damn conspiracy I tell ya what. Yep.

  • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

    Also, Fueled By Ramen do still exist, they have a bunch of shitty bands, that Freddy Mercury clone from Fun and Paramore signed to them, so pretty much due to the latter band’s (Deserved, yes I said it, crucify me later) success, they will be around until WMG makes the stupid decision to merge them with Roadrunner or something.

  • Sir Tapir the Based™

    I feel like someone is trying to rustle me jimmies.

    • The Beargod

      You have no jimmies.

    • I would have done the same

      • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

        That one’s going to be over his head.

    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      I’m honestly surprised no one submitted this.

  • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

    Also, fuck this. LB are usually a band that are funny bad to me, but this is just monotonous. Seriously, literally every LB fan I know hates this song. But I’ll always sing the chorus, much to my dismay.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTMVOzPPtiw

    • Maik Beninton

      Really? The fans hate this song?
      It’s one of my favorites.

      • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

        The ones I know at least. My brother fucking despises this song, and he is probably the biggest Limp Bizkit fan I know.

        • Lacertilian

          Isn’t that like a Metallica fan saying they don’t like One or a Led Zeppelin fan disliking Stairway To Heaven?

          • The Bourbon Is Mine… Alone

            Trve Limp Bizkit fans acknowledge their cover of Faith as their real magna opus

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Fred Durst and Fred Durst related products are banned from WOTW as it’s considered cheating

      • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

        Shit, I forgot, sorry. I still remember someone submitting the Staind song he was on.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Never speak of that song again, ever. It is That Of Which We Do Not Speak.

          • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

            My apologies, I can see why my mentioning of that travesty brought back painful memories, almost at the level Count Your Blessings does for me, and for that, I apologize.

  • RustyShackleford

    My 12 year old self has had his jimmies rustled so hard this morning that I’m going to need to go back and time and revive him.

  • True story – I went apple picking with a group of friends and the guitar player from My Chemical Romance was in the group. He seemed like an alright dude.

    • He’s a really good guitarist as well. Don’t tell stockhausen

      • Stockhausen

        No one has ever actually been apple picking. Clearly that story is made up.

        • Maik Beninton

          Your description is so Axl-lite

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          Did Connie Appleseed? Or did she just plant them?

    • EsusMoose

      which one 30+ year old emo dude or wanna-be carrot top?

      • 30+ year old emo dude

        • EsusMoose

          Ah, most of them seem like decent people, I just never learned their names.

  • more beer

    As far as I`m concerned you all win. Every single one of these is a steaming pile of shit!

  • Edward/Breegrodamus™

    Lots of suicide talk in the first three submissions, lol

    • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

      Perfectly justifyiable, if you ask me.

  • As a two time Whiff winner and reigning champion I reserve the right to disqualify all non metal submissions.

    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      I need to look at the stats and do a tally of who has claimed the most wins.

      • I feel like I’ve gotta be in the running

        • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

          You had a good run there for a while. I think Leif and Ted are also contenders.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I’m only a 2 time wiener

      • Lacertilian

        and ban them?

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I’ve won 2. Submitted non metal. Fight me.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    Fuck, this week is hard.

    Oh and OG over O.T. 12 BRICKS.

    • Dagon

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT3OQwyvKmk

      YOU WAS MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT

      • BLACKENEDBEARD, THE XXX

        this fire

      • Mother Shabubu III

        TWELVE.

      • Mother Shabubu III

        Wait, you mean this is actually his style not just a one off? I kinda love this actually, haha.

        • Dagon

          It is. I wonder why such a disjointed flow can be so entertaining.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Because the man found twelve bricks and is stoked about it.

    • I’ve never heard this but it is blowing my mind.
      “WHOO HOO! Twelve bricks.”

      • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

        I know, it’s amazing. TWELVE BRICKS.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    I think some people didn’t read the t’s & c’s this week. Funny that the person who inspired this weeks theme didn’t actually submit theirs. Bauer gets my vote this week. For now for me though I’m off to bed. Just got back from Opeth and I’m super tired and have to work in the morning

  • Since I’m from NJ and every Bbubs bro and their girlfriend jock Bon Jovi, I think I’ve gotta go with Leif. To feel my pain, go to public place where this song is playing after people have had a few drinks. Not a pretty sight.

    • Zeke

      That’s the first thing I thought of when I saw that fucking song. Drunk idiots with their arms around eachother screaming along to that song. I’m from Long Island so I also have to deal with a similar reaction for that alcoholic troll Billy Joel.

      • more beer

        Reading that makes me glad I grew up in Westchester!

  • IronLawnmower

    SO WHAT. IM STILL A ROCKSTAR
    I GOT MY ROCK MOVES

    • Maik Beninton

      I voted that.

      • IronLawnmower

        I first heard it when it came out and I still have the nas stuck in my head

        • Maik Beninton

          It’s hard to forget those songs, just seeing the name of it you already remember the chorus.

          • IronLawnmower

            goddammit swedish pop writers

    • EsusMoose

      My sister used to play it in the car when she’d drive me places when I was a young teen. It’s burnt into my mind, bad song but I totally have it on my massive long distance driving playlist.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      My niece used to sing that song word for word when she was 3, so when I hear that song I get that memory in my head.

      I also sing “so what, I wear a sports bra, to hold my small boobs”

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Ahh but for the halcyon days of the mid-2000s, when the theme of every fucking marketing campaign in the US was “rock star”

  • Óðhinn

    Couldn’t sleep, and was listening to Suicidal Tendencies….

  • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

    I genuinely think that Hinder song is one of the worst songs ever written.

    • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

      Oddly enough, my ex fiance loved it. Thankfully her favorite bands were Krisiun and Behemoth, so it balanced out.

  • Dagon

    I vote Ronny

  • Maik Beninton

    I tend to be a sucker for catchy songs, I even like three of the picks here. But sometimes it annoys the fuck out of me, a prime example:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RrA-R5VHQs

  • I was going to submit this one originally but it’s Kim Jong Un’s find and I don’t want to jack anybody’s shit regardless of the awfulness.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUO9SNCBL6U&spfreload=10

  • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

    This is a hard one. Rusty, Masterpants or whoever put 5 seconds of summer will win.

  • JamesGrimm

    so much bad.

  • nbm02ss

    This is going to be a toughie. Going for W’s pick, though. I’ve heard that song way more than any human should ever have to in their lifetime. Fucking college town.

  • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

    Blowy Joey got my vote, since that’s one of the absolute worst songs ever written. I will never forgive Joe for introducing me to that song, and my now ex-roomies blasted that almost nonstop. OT Genesis is the one artist that’s actually worse than Darkthrone, but I got one that’s even more wiffy than that!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq_d8VSM0nw

    Despite what his bio says, he’s not from Chicago (saying that because of embarrassment). He’s from Austin, TX. 😉

    • JamesGrimm

      jesus.

      • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

        Read his Twitter. He’s got an ego even bigger than Kanye.

        • JamesGrimm

          who the fuck is kanye?

          • BLACKENEDBEARD THE XXX

            featured comment

          • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

            Southside Chicago’s ultimate embarrassment.

  • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

    None So Lollbuttz! Definitely a stain on an otherwise solid catalog.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVlcqxMVlj8

  • BLOODBEARDE

    I voted Mosh because, quite simply, “Bitch Came Back”

  • JWG
    • Sir Tapir the Based™

      He was our president.

      • The Beargod

        He really looks a lot worse irl. Specially since he gave up the office. Straight down the drain.

        • Sir Tapir the Based™

          At least he doesn’t look like a devil like Sauli “köyhät kyykkyyn” Niinistö does.

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

      Unless you like Terence And Phillip.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DNyLD2SRjA

  • Spear

    “Shimmering” Spear? Sure, why not.

    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      Shining. Shimmering. Splendid.

      • Spear

        And ready to show you a whole new world.

  • old_man_doom

    I gotta give it to Paris this time. Not only is that song catchy like the plague, but Becky G is a mega-cutie. Damn…

  • Maik Beninton
  • @lmd666:disqus had better not get a single vote.
    WHOA, why can’t i vote for Leif Bearikson???

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      This week was a severe struggle to think of an entry. As soon as the category was announced, I didn’t get any bad songs stuck in my head

  • The “T” word is one of the many shitty bands I added to the comment filter when I was drunk one night. Approved!

    • J.R.

      Are shitty bands your trigger, Papa Joe?
      (Also, what’d you say about “T” band? Fite me m8 irl not online see what happens I swear on me mum I’ll hook u rite in the gobber)