Whiff o’ the Week (4/5/2015)

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“Of course, it is likely enough, my friends, that we are going to our doom: the last march of the Ents. But if we stayed at home and did nothing, doom would find us anyway, sooner or later. That thought has long been growing in our hearts; and that is why we are marching now. It was not a hasty resolve. Now at least the last march of the Ents may be worth a song. Aye, we may help the other peoples before we pass away. Still, I should have liked to see the songs come true about the Entwives. I should dearly have liked to see Fimbrethil again. But there, my friends, songs like trees bear fruit only in their own time and their own way: and sometimes they are withered untimely.”

Will these barren trees ever bear fruit again? This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Greetings and welcome back. I hope that this bi-weekly schedule has been fruitful for you . I’ve enjoyed the break my soul has gotten from being barraged by crap week after week. Let’s recap what happened two weeks ago, shall we? As it turns out, our pal Deucey’s selection of Skull and Bones was just far too much for us. Congrats to you and your family, Ron.

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We’ll be recommencing with whiffs in two weeks from today. No category, so save up your blunders for the 18th. Today, however, we’re talking thrash whiffs. Oddly enough, this was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Still, I task you with determining which of these whiffs is the least headbangable. Let’s get to it.


W.

I feel like I’m picking on the little guy with this choice, but It’s close to my bed time, and I’m getting desperate. Black Tide’s debut album had some decent cuts of thrash, speed, and hard rock. However, the silly chorus on “Shout” makes the thing one of the weakest tracks on the album.


Ron Deuce

Has the subgenre of shithead thrash been coined yet? If not, I’d like to present Crisix with the crown. Plain ol’ ordinary thrash just won’t do, Crisix does the Ultra Thrash. They love the term so much their guitar player, Tall Dan Spitz got the phrase branded on his ultra siqq flyin’ V. They also might want to check with Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls” at 3:32 for copyright infringement.


IronLawnmower

Behold the sloppiest most ill-conceived musical abortion of a demo I’ve ever heard. It makes Hellhammer sound like Dream Theatre.


Ted Nü-Djent

Finding a thrash whiff proved really difficult for me. Thrash is like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. I’ll count the riff at about 1:10 as a thrash riff, but I highly recommend that you watch the whole video for maximum lolbuttz.


Simon Phoenix

Some obscure bands in the heyday of thrash were woefully overlooked and deserved more attention (coughnastysavagecough), and many remained obscure for a reason; that reason being that they sucked. One example would be Coldsteel from Valley Stream, NY. One of the reviews on their MA page had it right; too many East Coast bands tried to emulate Anthrax in the early 90’s, and these guys were one of the worst of the lot. Terrible production, boring ass riffs, terrible “singing” and just an overall feeling of blah. Tune to 0:22 of this aptly named song for a taste. Sorry guys, but your sword was too rusty for proper poser-slaying.


Roshin

As I came to realize that my first submission, “The Ballad” by Testament, wasn’t THAT lolbuttz without the music video I did some digging to find the absolute ultimate garbage thrash song. I think this might be it. Unintelligible, monotonous drumming, one of those “has never played guitar before” riffs, and quite possibly the most annoying vocal production of all time. The entire track cuts out in favor of the piercing white noise of the singer’s pus filled abscess of a voice (thanks Tyree for filling my mind with an endless loop of bloody squelching fluids) and ducks back in when she finally shuts the flying fuck up. Oh, and it’s also (most likely) promoting misandry!


Stanley

I’ve got a Sesame Street conundrum for all y’all. One of these people is playing in time and one isn’t. One of these people is playing in tune and one isn’t. One of these people is singing in key and one of them isn’t. Who is it? Unfortunately, the band could’t figure out who was guilty party, and so in order to maintain cordial relations, they went ahead and released this afterbirth.


Rusty Shackleford

Love Exodus. Love Elvis Costello. This is garbage.


Randall Thor

THIS. ENTIRE. ALBUM. SKATER THRASH BLOWS.


Nordling Rites ov Karhu

They named their album Poser Holocaust. This song is called “No Posers Allowed.” Randall doesn’t play in this band. Gawdlord they suck.


Alright, have at it. Which of these thrash whiffs failed to get your blood pumping?

Which of these thrash whiffs failed to get your blood pumping?

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

  • Normally I’d be at choir, but I’m sick this morning. If you like Nuclear Assault, reply to this comment so I can know what posers need slaughtering today

    • Stanley

      Poseur alert.

      • Please be specific when addressing posers, we don’t want to kill the non-false

        • Stanley

          Maybe I wasn’t clear. Stanley is a poseur. Fuck that guy.

    • The Beargod

      I’ll grease yer anusbuttons with steel.

    • Dr. Dubz

      I’ve got some of their albums. A lot of it is forgettable, but they have some solid jams.

      • I won’t deny that a few songs are good, but it’s more fun to be belligerent

    • Honkey Wienerfart
      • CyberneticOrganism

        DAD

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          I know now why you cry

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Was this artwork conceived by Peter Gabriel?

        • Honkey Wienerfart

          Nah, some guy in Hungary.

    • Sir Tapir the Based

      Agreeing with you feels scary and weird.

    • I would seriously like to get a hold of the critical mass instrumental and do lolzy karaoke over it.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      #passiveaggressivethrashwhiffs

    • more beer

      You should invest in some q-tips. As you apparently are having a hard time hearing.

      • I wish i was so I wouldn’t have to hear Nuclear Assault again

        • more beer

          You could always use them to puncture your eardrums.

    • Between The Buried & Smee

      The three greatest thrash bands of all time are Nuclear Assault, Carnivore, and Dark Angel. Fight me.

      • You got only one right, and it will leave scars. Toxik >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

        • Between The Buried & Smee

          Actually, I realized I got all three wrong, because Kreator, Sodom, and Destruction >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

            Demolition Hammer, Aspid, and Destruction >>>>>>>>>>

          • MoshOff

            AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS
            PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID

      • The God Emperor of Mankind

        carnivore>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    • Keyser Soze

      (Prepares for a meeting)

    • Geo-CockBlocker…
    • Dr. Dubz

      You deserve every ounce of glory.

  • Honkey Wienerfart

    Call me weird, I like Thrash Or Die, as low brow and meatheaded as they are. I have to let some of these stinkers roll through my brain/colon and figure out which one to vote for.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I like it too and that’s because bad thrash does not exist

      • Honkey Wienerfart

        EVERY genre has it’s stinkers!

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          Some more than others. While yes there is thrash that I don’t care for. None of it is ever really that bad where I say fuck turn this shit off.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            That’s what I say when I hear thrash metal.

          • Scrimm

            That’s what I say when I hear Destruction.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Some of these dudes are real soft on thrash. The genre as a whole never gets that bad, but I honestly think the vast majority is mediocre/uninteresting. Dug that Watchtower album Simon shared with me, though.

          • Scrimm

            I agree, most of it does very little for me, but it rarely gets as bad as some other genres. Take power metal for instance….

          • Akerskronks ov Steele

            Control and Resistance? or first one?

          • Dr. Dubz

            C&R

          • Akerskronks ov Steele

            I heard that’s the one they got Ron Jarzombek on. Doug Keyser is a mad genius.

          • I was listening to thrash before death metal started. Once I graduated to DM, I pretty much had no desire to hear the genre anymore.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Of Course there is, I just picked a theme this week and ran with it.

          • Stanley

            Nooooo. While I don’t care for later day Destruction similar to how I don’t care for later day saints, Sentence Of Death and Infernal Overkill helped define the genre and are true classics.

    • They played DeLand last year, it was fun, but fun in the same way having background music while you hang out with your friends is fun

  • The Beargod

    Hey! Hey! Hey! Airdash’s other guitarists father is a legend, a legend I tell you! Show some respect! Wear your color at the showns and Fear No Beer.

  • D. Lee

    Watched Ted’s pick. Felt like maximum whiffage/lolbuttz has already been accomplished. Vote secured

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Thank you sir

      • more beer

        That sir was an abomination. I wish I could vote on that more than once.

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          Cheers big ears

  • Ted Nü-Djent not sure if your pick qualifies as thrash but I laughed my ass off through the entire thing. When Brock Lesnar comes out of nowhere, that just took it to another level.

    • Jointsalot

      Thats gotta just be for the lolz. I watched the whole thing too

    • KJM

      Brock Lesnar FTW

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        *googles images*

        Ahh, the bloke in the trakkie dakks

        • KJM

          Yep, pro wrestler for WWE.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I don’t know who that is

    • Cock Chesnar

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Bulk Vanderhuge

        • old_man_doom

          Big McLargeHuge

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Flint Ironstag

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Randall Thor, even You Tube knows that you’re wrong

    • It sucks so much they want to make sure you are deliberately clicking on a Nuclear Assault video and not by accident

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Interesting counterpoint. Denied!

        • Wait, you can’t just say denied, that’s not how formal arguments work

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            That’s how it works on American court dramas though

      • The God Emperor of Mankind

        HERETIC

  • KJM

    NuDjent brought the lolbuttz in a big way this week.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Ted, that gave me some serious lolz. Holy fuck what an embarrassing video, I even felt bad for those shelves.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Hahahahahaha

      • CyberneticOrganism

        “How are we gonna use all this space?”

        *recruits three friends to flail around*

  • Stanley

    Ron, this week is Whiff of the week, not Riff of the week.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Yeah man, I seriously jammed to that. You got my vote this week Stanley as I know how hard you had to search for a whiff. Such hard work should not go without reward.

    • Perhaps I should’ve used this one instead, the Tom Araya Angel of Death fail at the beginning is so bad it’s good. Plus “We can see your FYYYRRRRE!!!!!”

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xnpg8g5flHM&spfreload=10

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Nope, wrong again. You’ve actually turned me on to a new band this week. Thank you sir.

      • Stanley

        Ron, I think this rips too. It’s a power metal/ thrash hybrid. NO FLUSH. I’ve not heard of these guys before but I might have to buy this record. This is good workout stuff. It kind of reminds of Exmortus (young and energetic) but not quite as good or shreddy.

        • I’m glad you enjoyed. My sense of humor with thrash is mainly with the vocals hence the pick. Overkill, Forbidden and these guys all make me laugh uncontrollably when they sing.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            There are a LOT of horrible vocalists in thrash

  • CyberneticOrganism

    RIP Semen of Satan

  • Guacamole Jim

    Actually, that Nuclear Assault song wasn’t bad. However, Semen of Satan was SO BAD it made up for it in droves.

    • Dr. Dubz

      Hail Dip.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Guacamole>>>>>>>Semen of Satan when it comes to my choice in dips

  • Honkey Wienerfart

    IronLawnmower got my vote. Holy Hamburgler’s ghost in a crackhouse, that was fucking awful! Almost as bad as Darkthrone. ALMOST.

    http://i.imgur.com/KoCgqKY.gif

  • Dagon

    CUNTHUNT 777 is the best name EVER

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      This is a true statement

    • Honkey Wienerfart

      Looking at the name, I thought they were Christian pornogrind at first.

      • more beer

        Christian porno grind is that even possible?

        • Honkey Wienerfart

          I’d love to see it happen! It’d be even funnier if it was serious.

          • more beer

            It would probably be the funniest shit lyrically ever.

          • Honkey Wienerfart

            Swing Low, Sweet Strap On.

          • more beer

            Like I said!

          • Geo-CockBlocker…

            Holiday In Gomorrah

          • Honkey Wienerfart

            He’s Got The Whole World In His Ass

          • Geo-CockBlocker…

            CumByYa

          • Honkey Wienerfart

            How Lovely Thy Arse

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Taste n’ See…

        • Óðhinn

          That’s the great thing about Christianity. The meaning is whatever you want it to be. They have Christian Black Metal now. Just record your album, Jesus and His 12 Asspussholes, and when people call you on your hypocrisy, just feign indignation…“Gawd. I’m so sick of people saying that Metal Music can’t be Christian. We’re just being oppressed bro”

          • more beer

            Maybe you are being oppressed I`m certainly not. If I wanted some imaginary figure in my life I would go to one bullshit church or another. I wouldn`t look to the music I like for that shit that`s for sure.

          • Óðhinn

            No kidding.

  • B00mhauer

    Nuclear Assault slays. DEATH TO RANDALL THOR.

  • Honkey Wienerfart

    ‘Pump It Up’ is my new official fapping theme. The original, not that god awful cover.

  • TomWarriorsBeanie

    Exodus seemed to have a thing for extremely stupid/horrible covers.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYsW9aWxa6E

      • TomWarriorsBeanie

        As you can see I was not involved in such foolishness. The blame for that rests with my host.

        • Vladimir Poutine

          His forehead does look rather large in that photograph.

      • Honkey Wienerfart

        “Damnit, my zipper broke!”
        “Fuck, we already booked the photo shoot and Combat isn’t going to pay for another one. Plus we got our hair all nice and poofy. Let’s ride with it and hope no one notices! They’ll quickly forget once they hear Cold Lake!”

        • Óðhinn

          Thanks. That made me laugh. I give much respect to Crltic Frost for their contributions to Metal. But Cold Lake was stinky.

          http://youtu.be/fs7TO3oxt6M

      • Akerskronks ov Steele

        I could never, for the life of me tell if he had stuffed a wig down there, or if he just felt the need to show off his other perm.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Is that a mirkin (murkin?) I see on in that open fly?

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        is his sausage out? got acid wash?

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    FYI I am having my network of spies track down every one of your addresses so I can pay you a visit, decapitate you and feed the severed heads to my pet bobcat.

    • Siqq Burnington

      I thought that this wouldn’t be like the metalcore one.
      Still it has more picks than the power metal edition.

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    By the way the Lawnmower wins this one. The band Ted picked was bad, but the video is so lulzy that I can’t outright hate it. The Semen of Satan song though was just horrific in every way.

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    Also, Crisix are not that bad. But there is better Greek thrash out there. In fact, ya’ll may have gave me a subject for the next writeup.

    • Stanley

      Are they Greek or Spanish? The band members names look Spanish to me.

      • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

        Aye, you’re right. They are Spanish. I for some reason confused them with Exarsis.

      • Akerskronks ov Steele

        Greeks and Spaniards can look smiler at times.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Bio Cancer are Greek

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    Third note: Dubs, if you think that song from Black Tide is bad, you should Google a recent pic of the band and listen to their most current album. The lolbuttz is truly strong with them now.

    • Dr. Dubz

      I was wondering what happened to them. They kinda fell off the map. That said, Shockwave got stuck in my head yesterday, and I listened to it a few times.

      • Honkey Wienerfart

        I lost track of them too, thankfully. Let me gather some self hatred and check out this new one of their’s (after I finish my Shakra binge).

  • Stanley

    That Semen track is awful but it does possess a smidgen of entertainment value. Roshin’s pick on the other hand is just outright dire. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. We have a winner!

  • Óðhinn

    This may be an unpopular statement, but Overkill. I’ve always thought that Bobby Ellsworth should be summarily executed. They’re cheesy too. Respectfully disagree regarding Nuclear Assault. If anything, I think they’re underrated.

  • john

    Sweet christ Ted Nü-Djent, you have my vote.

  • BLOODBEARDE

    I have to say, the show last night was amazing. The Ark Work translated so well live, the detractors of our group even liked it. Sannhet stole the show though. Massive sound for a three piece.

    • Sir Tapir the Based

      I managed to take down Bastard Logarius with some help from a random citizen. I also helped someone take him down.

      • BLOODBEARDE

        I can’t get any competent help for rom

        • Sir Tapir the Based

          I haven’t tried him yet. I heard that crown of illusion may help against him somehow.

          • BLOODBEARDE

            Finally got him with 2 people. First died after the first wave. Flamesprayer helped a great deal.

  • J.R.

    I literally cannot tell bad thrash from good thrash. Come at me.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    Where do we send our Whiffs to? I gotta couple.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5H94GHb-10

    • toiletovhellwhiff@gmail.

      And don’t submit that because it’s the greatest thing in the history of music.

      • Mother Shabubu III

        The deed hath been done.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I was going to submit that for the collaboration edition, then I relised tgat it fucking rules

  • JWG

    I forgot this was going to be Thrash Whiffs, so that intro had me primed for Tolkien-themed Whiffs instead.

    That might be too easy a target, though: everyone could submit Battlelore and call it a day/week…

  • Sheeeeiiiiittt.

  • Virgil the Ghost Poet

    Its a landslide Ted Nü-Djent, you suck.

  • Geo-CockBlocker…

    W – Black Tide = SHUTTTTTT-UP!!!
    Ron “Reigning Champ” Deuce – Crisix = Lolbuttz Thrash…
    IronLawnmower – *censored for stupidity* = They’re trying hard…
    Ted – *censored for truly baffling stupidity* = I have no words…
    Simon Phoenix – Coldsteel = The worst is here…
    Roshin – Thrash Queens = Not thrash, clearly a harsh noise project…
    Stanley – Airdash = I don’t hate this…
    Rusty Shackleford – Exodus = Kind of like this one…
    Randall Thor – Nuclear Assault = Is this Whiff or Riff week…
    Nordling Rites ov Karhu – *censored for poserdom* = The moment you can’t tell the posers from the trve…

    Ted lapped the competition this week. Congratulations Ted and commiserations to everyone who sat through that video…

  • FeelTheDarknesses

    That Cunthunt 777 video may possibly be THE funniest thing ever.

  • Hotdog Clifford

    The singer of Cunthunt 777 sounds just like the singer of Napalm Death