Whiff o’ the Week (4/5/2015)
“Of course, it is likely enough, my friends, that we are going to our doom: the last march of the Ents. But if we stayed at home and did nothing, doom would find us anyway, sooner or later. That thought has long been growing in our hearts; and that is why we are marching now. It was not a hasty resolve. Now at least the last march of the Ents may be worth a song. Aye, we may help the other peoples before we pass away. Still, I should have liked to see the songs come true about the Entwives. I should dearly have liked to see Fimbrethil again. But there, my friends, songs like trees bear fruit only in their own time and their own way: and sometimes they are withered untimely.”
Will these barren trees ever bear fruit again? This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Greetings and welcome back. I hope that this bi-weekly schedule has been fruitful for you . I’ve enjoyed the break my soul has gotten from being barraged by crap week after week. Let’s recap what happened two weeks ago, shall we? As it turns out, our pal Deucey’s selection of Skull and Bones was just far too much for us. Congrats to you and your family, Ron.
We’ll be recommencing with whiffs in two weeks from today. No category, so save up your blunders for the 18th. Today, however, we’re talking thrash whiffs. Oddly enough, this was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Still, I task you with determining which of these whiffs is the least headbangable. Let’s get to it.
I feel like I’m picking on the little guy with this choice, but It’s close to my bed time, and I’m getting desperate. Black Tide’s debut album had some decent cuts of thrash, speed, and hard rock. However, the silly chorus on “Shout” makes the thing one of the weakest tracks on the album.
Has the subgenre of shithead thrash been coined yet? If not, I’d like to present Crisix with the crown. Plain ol’ ordinary thrash just won’t do, Crisix does the Ultra Thrash. They love the term so much their guitar player, Tall Dan Spitz got the phrase branded on his ultra siqq flyin’ V. They also might want to check with Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls” at 3:32 for copyright infringement.
Behold the sloppiest most ill-conceived musical abortion of a demo I’ve ever heard. It makes Hellhammer sound like Dream Theatre.
Finding a thrash whiff proved really difficult for me. Thrash is like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. I’ll count the riff at about 1:10 as a thrash riff, but I highly recommend that you watch the whole video for maximum lolbuttz.
Some obscure bands in the heyday of thrash were woefully overlooked and deserved more attention (coughnastysavagecough), and many remained obscure for a reason; that reason being that they sucked. One example would be Coldsteel from Valley Stream, NY. One of the reviews on their MA page had it right; too many East Coast bands tried to emulate Anthrax in the early 90’s, and these guys were one of the worst of the lot. Terrible production, boring ass riffs, terrible “singing” and just an overall feeling of blah. Tune to 0:22 of this aptly named song for a taste. Sorry guys, but your sword was too rusty for proper poser-slaying.
As I came to realize that my first submission, “The Ballad” by Testament, wasn’t THAT lolbuttz without the music video I did some digging to find the absolute ultimate garbage thrash song. I think this might be it. Unintelligible, monotonous drumming, one of those “has never played guitar before” riffs, and quite possibly the most annoying vocal production of all time. The entire track cuts out in favor of the piercing white noise of the singer’s pus filled abscess of a voice (thanks Tyree for filling my mind with an endless loop of bloody squelching fluids) and ducks back in when she finally shuts the flying fuck up. Oh, and it’s also (most likely) promoting misandry!
I’ve got a Sesame Street conundrum for all y’all. One of these people is playing in time and one isn’t. One of these people is playing in tune and one isn’t. One of these people is singing in key and one of them isn’t. Who is it? Unfortunately, the band could’t figure out who was guilty party, and so in order to maintain cordial relations, they went ahead and released this afterbirth.
Love Exodus. Love Elvis Costello. This is garbage.
THIS. ENTIRE. ALBUM. SKATER THRASH BLOWS.
Nordling Rites ov Karhu
They named their album Poser Holocaust. This song is called “No Posers Allowed.” Randall doesn’t play in this band. Gawdlord they suck.
Alright, have at it. Which of these thrash whiffs failed to get your blood pumping?
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.