Whiff o’ the Week (4/19/2015)

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“Perhaps it’s impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be.”

Become what you despise. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Welcome back, brothers and sisters. Today we remember the iniquities of the past and celebrate those who have have triumphed over them. Last time we met, I tasked you with determining the most egregious thrash whiff. You chose correctly and nominated the Nü-Djent your king for a day. Well done, Ted.

judwins

Next time we meet, your charge will be to bring me the worst and most catchiest songs imaginable.

  • Identify the most awful ear-worm
  • Send it to toiletovhellwhiff@gmail.com
  • Include your disqus handle, a blurb, and a youtube video

This week, we’re whiffing all takers as they come. Cast down the heretics with me!


W.

The say everything is bigger in Texas. This also applies to the truck nutz.


Mother Shabubu III

A godforsaken lovechild of Weezer and Rammstein‘s worst qualities crammed into four minutes. The worst thing about this song: it will get stuck in your head no matter how hard you try to resist.

 


Ted Nü-Djent

Cidal is the ghost in the corner that you see at night, smiling at you. Cidal is the kid at school that sits facing the wall, away from the class.  Imagine how shitty your band would have to be to have played a show with them?

I’m just kidding on that last sentence (maybe). We’ve laughed/cringed at these dudes before, let’s do it one more time, shall we?


D. Lee

I hope the drummer eats the rest of the band.


Ron Deuce

I knew I was in business when I saw the neon microphone and the post swoop hair. This whole band and their fans are endlessly punchable. I feel bad for submitting this. Please accept my most sincere apologies.


Esusmoose

Some things are lame; some things are for nerds. Some things are lame things for nerds. Fangs, crappy CGI, not staring at the camera, an ill fitting corset thingy, the guitarists fingers look like fat sausages and whose legs seem to be locked in a lunge position, and the drummer is wearing a mask. Why? Who knows. Symphonic metal is for nerds who think vampires aren’t lame. They are lame.


Maik Beninton

Well tbh, I didn’t hate this song. I kinda like it. It’s not as bad as Death Magnetic, but it has the same problems, one being that this is a Slayer song, and while Slayer have done much worse (even when Jeff was still around), you can feel that something is missing. Also I like how Tom is doing more than just screaming at high pitch.


Janitor Jim

This cannot possibly be the same band who wrote such classics as “Close To The Edge” and “Roundabout” but upon further examination, Yes it is. I can’t believe Jon Anderson did this, and I thank god Steve Howe wasn’t involved.


Nordling Rites ov Karhu

First things first. Yes, I included this to spite the one guy who probably won’t read this. And no, I don’t hate all Archspire songs. But The Lucid Collective is full of sweep picking and masturbation without riffs or songs. Some parts are repeated and these things may not be just soloing, but they are hardly more than display of speed and techniques. The very epitome of why Tech-Death is one of the worst genres, having produced only a handful of good bands (mind you, it’s because of this that I am always delighted to find a good TD band, which have mostly been introduced to me by Bauer). But, this. Fucking. Sucks.


DeadButtDreaming

From Bumfuck Nowhere, Michigan, I give you Afterbirth. Half-amazing, half-awful, 100% whiff. LISTEN TO IT NOW, you “faggot French fry.”


Who gets burnt at the stake today?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 19-04-2015 09:00:00
end_date 20-04-2015 00:00:00
Poll Results:
Who gets burnt at the stake today?

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

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  • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

    I may like Weezer and Rammstein, but that song is terrible. Shabubu wins.

    • I want to punch that dude in the video. That may be enough to net a vote right there.

  • Sir Tapir the Based

    There be some mad stank here this week. Damn dude.

    • Dr. Dubz

      I’ve never voted for myself in one of these, but I’m tempted this week. Sons of Texas is just the worst kind of frat daddy metal.

      • Sir Tapir the Based

        That band is absolutely disgusting. My vote goes to you, friendo.

        • Dr. Dubz

          The sad thing is that band would probably sell out a show here. They hit all of the crappy trends our metal scene loves.

      • Mother Shabubu III

        Only two things come from Texas, and they ain’t got no horns.

        EDIT: Also reminds me of this song. So I’m double-mad right now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjATZYHs4Tc

        • The God Emperor of Mankind

          Coolbuttz intro, absolute heresy of a song.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Sons Of Bdubs

    • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

      Mine is awful. I hate that album but out of completeness I have it on vinyl with all the others.

      • Goat of Dank desires

        Why would you do that? If something is bad it’s bad. That vinyl will just sit there gathering dust.

        • KJM

          I know a lot of completist fans who will buy records just because they have to have everything by a certain artist.

          • JWG

            …Or just to have vinyl, period. Whatever it might be.

            Speaking of which: It’s weird how often my recent Twitter feed aligns with Disqus conversations:
            https://twitter.com/dankojones/status/589611725592231937

          • JamesGrimm

            It would be more credible if DJ went so very awful.

          • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

            That is what I was aiming for.

          • KJM

            Yeah, I know plenty of collectors who are like that. One of my friends has multiple rooms full of various items. It’s like walking into the best record/toy store ever.

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          That’s how I ended up with Risk. By Super Collider though I realised that I was stupid and didn’t hand over my hard earned

  • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

    Uh I didn’t submit a whiff so I have no idea what my name is doing up there.

    • Dr. Dubz

      huh. I crossed my wires there. dang.

      • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

        No prob. Was worried I was going crazy for a second.

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          You should have said nothing and basked in the glory of hollow victory

    • D. Lee

      Forgot to add my disqus name. D’oh!

      • Dr. Dubz

        Ah, I shall fix this!

    • Good find on whoever submitted that one. That’s a contender right there.

  • KJM

    Vampires are lame if your only exposure to them has been Twilight or that lame Coppola movie. Christopher Lee is the antithesis of lame.

    • Dr. Dubz

      Dracula (the Bram Stoker novel) is pretty awesome.

      • The Beargod

        I did like the Coppola movie of it too, somewhat (not the novel so much tho). But then, I am an unabashed Oldman/Hopkins-fanboy.

        • KJM

          I liked Gary Oldman, but I despised Hopkins’ portrayal of Van Helsing.

          • The Beargod

            I don’t think it was a good portrayal of Van Helsing per se, or faithful. But as a rolework I did enjoy (again, fanboy).
            Reeves was quite bad though.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Byudapest

          • Reeves has made a career out of acting like a surfer no matter what roie is given to him.

          • The Beargod

            “acting”

          • Is that what he calls it?

          • The Beargod

            I’m not sure he could act his way out of a paperbag. So… I’ll go with yes.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Except for Point Break. Go figure?

      • KJM

        I’ve read it a few times.

      • Scrimm

        Again I’d have to bring up the Necroscope series. Guy completely turns the vampire myth on it’s ear, and makes them monstrous.

    • The trailer is a vomitorium of awfulness, but the movie is pretty cool–if you’re into low fi indie type shits.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNRIFSQMXMc

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Reminds me I oughta see this, cheers. 90’s were a good time for indie vamps, The Addiction, Nadja and Tale of a Vampire are all pretty class if you dig the offbeat.

      • KJM

        I might check it out. Hopefully it isn’t like ‘Blood For Irina’.

        The one I really want to see is ‘A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night'(and it’s available now on youtube!).
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YGmTdo3vuY

        • Goat of Dank desires

          This one is fucking amazing. Saw it at a film festival a few months ago.

          • KJM

            Excellent, even more incentive to see it soon.

        • Ooh this looks right up my . . . alley.

          • KJM

            Yes! It’s gonna be on Netflix this Tuesday!

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      Haha, I really like the Coppola film. Weak if taken seriously, but as grand scale camp it does the business and then some I reckon.

    • World of Darkness Vampires >>>>>>>>>>

  • KJM

    Not that I was expecting different, but that Slayer track sucks hard.

  • B00mhauer

    Why do bands like ‘These Hearts’ still exist? Are we in the midst of a 15- year testosterone drought? I’ve graduated high school, had a kid, and developed a valuable skill set since this shit started getting popular.

    • B00mhauer

      Which is to say, it’s run its course. GO AWAY

    • That song might get my vote just because of the band name alone, to say nothing of the singer’s chainsawable face.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I blame minecraft

      • I don’t think there’s any science on this yet, but it sure FEELS right.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Minecraft and the facetubes and the youbooks and the blippity bloop phones

  • IronLawnmower

    I’ve been meaning to submit Afterbirth for a while now. They’re so bad it’s amazing.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Who’s in there? Three guys in a closet!

      • Super Nintendo Chalmers

        That album photo is great.

  • D. Lee

    That Slayer song wasn’t TERRIBLE, but I’ll probably never listen to it again

    • Lacertilian

      It doesn’t go anywhere.

      • Sir Tapir the Based

        IT GOES IT GOES IT GOES IT GOES

        • Lacertilian

          IT BLOWS IT BLOWS IT BLOWS

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            Oh we finally agree on something, my lizard friendo.

          • Lacertilian

            We agree on more than you care to acknowledge Tapir Ov Death.

  • Sir Tapir the Based

    On a positive note, I’m gonna go see Steven Wilson today.

    • Dr. Dubz

      Hey, that’s great. Have fun!

  • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

    Also, Masterlord senpai, I could not make the Visigoth show due to some family stuff popping up :/ how was it??

  • The Beargod

    Mother Shabubu III is a week early.

  • Dr. Dubz

    I think the German one is at least a bit tongue-in-cheek, right?

  • So, question, if a band sweeps as part of a riff sequence, are they automatically wank trash? That seems to be the impression I get every time I hear about a band that uses an arpeggio and isn’t Origin.

    • The Beargod

      This is a question about which I would say: “This is definitely a question which deserves an answer and to which I would answer thusly: ‘Nope’.”

      • This is an answer to which I would say: “This answer has definitively answered my question, so I shall respond in the following matter: ‘k’.”

  • Mother Shabubu III

    Nostra Morte is the Mark Gormley of symphonic metal.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Longwalksinthewoodswearingacorsetcore

      • The Beargod

        Wouldlistento/10

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Gameofthronescore

        • CyberneticOrganism

          yeolderenaissancefairehuzzahcore

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Would listen to/10

    • KJM

      It all really sounds the same to me.

  • Goat of Dank desires

    BRB declaring war with Finland anyway because of Karhu dissing Archspire.

  • Was going to cast a knee-jerk vote for These Hearts, but then I saw the next video, Ron’s pick–and then I saw Archspire. There’s so much suckness in here I feel like a dirty tramp. I am awash in a sea of indecision . . .

    • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

      Pick mine! My pick is a reason why prog bands shouldn’t go pop!

      • Your pick kind of reminds me of what happened to Jethro Tull in the 80s. It’s bad, but some of this other shit is SOOOOOO much worse. I’ll listen to this song on INFINITE REPEAT before I subject myself to another second of These Hearts or Fear from the Hate.

        *spinal shivers*

        • KJM

          Been there, done that. Both ‘Big Generator’ and ‘Crest Of A Knave’ were on playlist when I worked at Strawberries Records.

          • The Beargod

            Crest is aight, also the first Anderson solo, which is even more “prog”-gone-dance.

          • KJM

            ‘One Night In Budapest’ is a decent tune, but the rest is quite flushable.

          • Strawberries? Holy shit I remember that horrid excuse for a record store (back when all of them were horrible).

          • KJM

            When I quit after 2 years(for the second time), I was the highest paid clerk in the chain. I was making as much as the Asst Managers and they weren’t happy about it. I just couldn’t take being subject to 40 hours a week of lame music anymore.

          • My local Strawberries hated me because I’d come in every week and order obscure goth shit from their paper catalogue–apparently special orders were very stressful work?

          • KJM

            It would only be stressful if either the item wasn’t available or the clerks at your store were very lazy. IIRC it just involved filling out a form, sending it out, and hoping the item was still available.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          *sideshow bob ugghh*

      • KJM

        Rush & King Crimson were the only “prog” bands not corrupted by the 80s.

        • The Beargod

          Well… Rush kinda was.

          • KJM

            It took until 1985(AKA Power Windows) for the effects to sink in, and even that album had a couple of decent tracks(Territories, Manhattan Project). I’d argue that the 90s were worse for Rush than the 80s.

          • The Beargod

            There is iron in the words you speak.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            When you defend an album with the line “the album had a couple of decent tracks”, you’ve already lost your argument.

          • KJM

            If this were almost any other band, you’d be right. A couple decent Rush tracks are about as good as any other bands entire album. Overall though, Power Windows did suck.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    D Lee, I do not envy the river of shit you had to crawl through to find that teeniebopper cyanide pill of a song.

  • The Beargod

    Ron Deuce’s awful, horrible choice made me think that I may actually like some later work of Enter Shikari… fuck.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      You don’t. YOU DON’T. Tell me you don’t.

      • The Beargod

        This wasn’t a bad song…

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znQii6mB8Hw

        • Goat of Dank desires

          Yes it is.

          • The Beargod

            You like Archspiral, your taste is invalid.

          • Goat of Dank desires

            Says the guy liking Enter Shitkari

        • CyberneticOrganism

          They’re all bad songs.

          • The Beargod

            You’re a rabbit, you don’t have feelings, your opinion doesn’t count.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I need a vacation

          • The Beargod

            Come to Finland, we have snow, in summer.

        • Sir Tapir the Based

          You’re wrong!

          • The Beargod

            I’m never wrong, hun.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            Elä valehtele.

          • The Beargod

            En koskaan, kultsipuppeli.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            Kultsipuppeli? Nyt menit kyllä liian pitkälle.

          • Goat of Dank desires

            Exactly!

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            At least you get me, Goat.

  • Dr. Dubz

    I voted with the Deuce. That’s like a bad Enter Shikari outtake, which is saying something because I don’t think Enter Shikari are good.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I almost voted for that over D Lee’s, since clubby techno music makes everything feel like an STD

    • Over 1 million views on that piece of trash, why? I just don’t understand.

    • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

      Trust me, it came close to getting my vote. It just proves to me that ES and Crossfaith are the only worthwhile bands in their genre. That shit smells worse than the filthiest turd flushed in the toilet.
      But I chose the one that raped my childhood instead.

  • Dagon

    D. Lee wins with 15 seconds of his submission.

    That voice is terrible. Lord, deliver us from evil, please!

    • Maik Beninton

      I made it to 7 second mark.
      But voted Ron Deuce, cause fuck anyone who think neon mic is cool.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Deuce has this one, for reminding us the the Universe is really a cold, unforgiving void.

  • Lumberjack Poopoo Tossin Ninja

    Joe, I will forever hate you for this, but between you and my one roomy playing this, I couldn’t get this abortion of a turd out of my head for a week straight.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vYnas6q3Sg

    • KJM

      Must…not…press play!!

      • Lumberjack Poopoo Tossin Ninja

        Oh, hit play! It’s about people who love coconut cream pie, and coconut crabs.

        • KJM

          Somehow I don’t think you’re being entirely truthful.

          • Geoff Tate

            It’s at least good for a laugh/self-punishment.

  • KJM

    Also concerning vampires, I would recommend ‘The Strain’ TV series, more proof that sparkly, angst-ridden vampires are out of style now.

  • Lumberjack Poopoo Tossin Ninja

    My vote goes to Maik, hands down. Slayer ripped off Tiamiat’s ‘A Deeper Kind Of Slumber’ (the title track) on the opening riff). Play these two at the same time.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjQsX0Fvbwk
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iP2njx-0mY0

    The rest sounds like a halfassed ‘Monotheist’. Stick a fucking fork in it.

    • KJM

      Slayer hasn’t put out anything worthwhile since GHUA, and even that had only a couple decent tracks and the shock value of being released on 9/11/01.

      • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Buttcheeks

        And I’m one of many who says no Hanneman, no Slayer, especially now that it’s the Kerry King Show. We already have a new Slayer. It’s called Evile (for better or worse).

    • Sir Tapir the Based

      “Play these two at the same time”
      But what volume? WHAT VOLUME? R.I.P in peace zzzzzzzzzzzzz

      • KJM

        I think we’ve been too much of a normalizing influence on zzzzzz. He may have found a life outside the internet.

        • Sir Tapir the Based

          Life outside the internet? That’s not a real thing m8.

      • Lumberjack Poopoo Tossin Ninja

        Same volume, then play the rest and play ‘Monotheist’. Because new Slayer doesn’t melt steel beams and Rand Paul makes sushi out of dead puppies and shit. And Obama was born in Uummannaq.

        • Sir Tapir the Based

          Did zzzzzzzz ever talk about white genocide?

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Buttcheeks

            Nah, that’s Axl’s territory. I think him, Zzzzzzzz and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are getting hot and horny about how the Holocaust supposedly never happened.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            Axl talks about white genocide? There was this guy that supported eurabia bullshit on MS. He was a silly goose.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Sweaty Buttcheeks

            Apparently to him, straight white males are the most oppressed people on earth. What’s Eurabia? I’m guessing it’s anti-Muslim/Arab bullshit, kinda like what Daily Mail does.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            Yep. According to the theory muslims will take over Europe in near future because they breed faster and they are evil.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Boner

            It’s just as bad here in America. When will people stop and worship the one true god: Abe Vigoda?

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-_rEqBaEE8

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            His best performance was in Good Burger.

          • Geoff Tate

            Same as the one guy on Saturday Night Live.

          • KJM

            One of the top sitcoms ever made. Why can’t they make TV comedy this good anymore?

          • Geoff Tate

            Because of reality TV, mostly. Execs can’t come up with any original ideas anymore, so getting a show of disposable hacks that they can pay in peanuts is the in thing nowadays. That and people are just stupid enough to buy into it.

        • KJM

          And make sure you’re reading ‘Atlas Shrugged’ while doing so.

          • Jesus Built My Hot Dog

            Aaaaaagh, I couldn’t stand that movie. Apparently there’s a 3rd one, and a fourth one on the way.

  • EsusMoose

    Too long do some of you stare into the abyss looking for these abominations. I even had headphones one, gah it was awful.

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    Leave it to Jud to pick the low hanging fruit and submit Cidal.

  • JWG

    I don’t even want to listen to any of these songs to decide on a weiner.

    But I used to know someone whose screen name *was* Mittwoch (for hopefully unrelated reasons), so I guess I could vote for that.

  • old_man_doom

    Speaking of whiffs, this shitty, annoying, local black metal band (who is notorious around here for being both shitty and annoying whilst kvlt) is pitching a bitch over the fact that they were not selected as openers when Agalloch rolls through town in June. They are going to boycott the show and they’re trying to convince our small metal community to boycott with them. Fucking stupid. You were not chosen not because Agalloch hates local support — you were not chosen because you fucking suck. Nobody wants to hear a lame-ass set from The Whispering Buttholes (that’s what I call them; they have a stupidly long unpronounceable name that has “whispering” in it). But what really sucks is that I know that there are a few people who stand in solidarity with them, so the show really might not sell very many tickets. Lame.

    • KJM

      Really? That’s crazy. What a bunch of sore losers.

      • old_man_doom

        Hey, but you know what? At least I don’t have to sit through their lame-ass tunes before I see the mighty Agalloch.

        • Stanley

          I got my ticket for the SF gig. No mention of any support other than Helen Money.

    • more beer

      That is some sorry shit there. I know a lot of bands where I am do that pay to play shit when they play with bigger bands. So a lot of times you get not as good local bands playing since the better ones weren’t willing to do that. But needless to say a shitty band is still a shitty band.

      • old_man_doom

        And these guys are as shitty as they come. First time I say them play it took them 45 minutes to set up their shit (after the show was supposed to start), they took an extra 10 minutes applying corpsepaint, and stopped in the middle of their set because the guitarist’s tone was “off”.

        • Maik Beninton

          What a whiff.

          These guys think they are good enough to open for a relatively famous band when they are complete noobs.

        • more beer

          Those guys sound like a bunch of total douche bags. I hate when bad local bands act like huge rockstars. The corpse paint makes it even more pathetic( I hate that shit). Right now I’m at my buddys house who was in a bigger band than those guys will ever be. We’ve got a bunch kids in a small local band over. He is nothing but gracious to them. There is no excuse for being a dick.

    • That’s really pretty pathetic. Sadder that people are backing them on that.

    • Dr. Dubz

      That gets a whiff from this former president.

  • Sir Tapir the Based

    I am back. Steven Wilson played a great gig and Beargod did not find and kill me. Overall this was a great success.

    • The Beargod

      ‘Tis a shame too, I would’ve ripped your head clean off.

      • Sir Tapir the Based

        I’ll let the baby dream.

  • JWG
  • My vote goes to Mother Shabubu, that was horrendous.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Everything sucks and is terrible.

    • KJM

      Confirmed.

    • Dr. Dubz

      Forever.

  • J.R.

    Really? I thought D.Lee’s was waaaay worse than Deuce’s pick. At least Deuce’s had a “better” soundscape. D.Lee’s had that ayy-lmao lookin vocalist and was just a liiiiiiiittle more hottopiccore.

    What doesnt wiff? Kamelot extended their North American tour! So I get to see them in Atlanta! My year isnt ruined by Taytay after all!

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Was going to vote for D Lee this week but ended up going for W (that’s 2 votes from me this weekend El Presidente). Yarlers should not exist in 2015. Ron Deuce may have gotten my vote if they weren’t Japanese.

    • Dr. Dubz

      Ayyy, I thought you voted Pantera.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Nope, I voted for you bb

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    So Japan managed to finally get dubstepcore. Elders help us all.

  • Guppusmaximus

    Sorry, Jim, the only whiff I think you’re getting is from your plumber’s crack. How dare you include any version of the mighty YES on this list of expired urinal cakes!

    • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

      It’s one of their worst songs though.

      • Guppusmaximus

        That’s debatable. Heaven & Earth seems like a whole album of bad songs…

        • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

          It is. Big Generator is the only album that is remotely close to being that bad.