Whiff o’ the Week (3/8/15)

1683
198
Share:

“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.”

Let the corruption creep. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Last week, I tasked you with determining the worst from a generic batch of whiffs. Much to my elation, I emerged victorious for the first time in months. I’d like to thank Hoobastank for writing “The Reason” and Janitor Jim for his constant support.

w-whiff

 

Next week we’re taking a break from Whiff o’ the Week to try something a little different. But don’t worry, Whiff will be back in two weeks, so save your crap for then! Any old whiff will do!

Today, however, we’re talking about ballads. You know, those songs you always skip on the album. Let’s get to it!


 W.

This song is the very definition of pandering.


Papa Joe

This low hanging fruit is delicious.


Leif Bearikson

Sound of White Noise signaled the start of a very butt-rock period for Anthrax, and the lolbuttziest of this lolbuttzening is their ballad “Black Lodge.” Dear John Bush: Stop doing that.


Rho Stone

Imagine all your buddies started chewing tobacco and they all spat in the same empty coke bottle, then challenged somebody to drink it for $20. That’s pretty grose. This is grose too.


Randall Thor

This is my favorite power metal ballad. I’m sure plenty of you will find this lolbuttz. Go crazy.


Nordling Rites ov Karhu

For Scrimm, for Spock, and for all things flowery.


McNulty

Folks, today I am going to play the system. This is a ballad that you all will hate with a passion in magnitude that rivals the Tapir’s hated of social interactions. Having said that, I love it… but you do not. Take the chorus for example, “As the water beads upon the window, turn the sad song up on the radio.” I win.


Ron Deuce

Attach Fred Durst‘s name to anything and it is guaranteed to turn into dookie. Staind is pretty unlistenable to begin with but Vanilla Ice Version 2.0 does his level best to add that moldy Bizkit flavor to an already unbearable ballad.


IronLawnmower

Remember when the Osbournes where the biggest thing in pop culture for 5 minutes? Enjoy the result of that.


Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

I know Weezer aren’t really metal and all that, but this is an absolute brainfart of a song, and easily one of the worst songs by a good band. Fuck this song, fuck that godawful chorus, fuck the stupid lyrics and fuck Rivers Cuomo for thinking this was a good idea. This is the same guy who’s written classics like “Say It Ain’t So,” “Pink Triangle,” “Hash Pipe,” and “Buddy Fucking Holly.” What made him think this was a good fucking idea?


Kim Jong Un

Oh, the things you have to suffer through to bag a hot South American chick. Including having to listen to this boner killer on repeat. Even if you don’t understand Spanish, you’ll simply feel your balls and wiener shrivel up like pill bug.


Ellipsis

For some reason Linkin Park decided to end their intriguing, but flawed concept album A Thousand Suns with an acoustic guitar-driven ballad. The slight twang to the music is an unexpected turn that jars with Chester Bennington’s gruff, yet whiny vocals. Although credit to Mike Shinoda for resisting the urge to drop an earnest rap into this misguided attempt at deep and meaningful artiness.


Cybernetic Organism

Singing Kix‘s “Don’t Close Your Eyes” in your basement KISS dungeon? Fine. Dedicating it to everyone who lost someone? Also fine. But at 0:40, be prepared to sever your ears. Keep a knife handy.


Ted Nü-Djent

Your mother gave birth to you with love inside
She had candlelight and songs of life
Brandon I love you, I love her, she is your mom
True love is ours, nobody else
I only want you to be yourself,
And when I’m gone, don’t cry for me

I kept starting to write a blurb about this song, but nothing I write can do justice to how bad this song is. So instead I thought I’d copy and paste the second verse. This is so cringe worthy it makes me sweat.


GL

Poison was always a second tier hair metal band that achieved way more success than what was due, mostly due to this turd. FLUSH.


Scrimm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA— I could go on with that for a while. This whole thing kills me. You have to watch the video with it to get the full effect. I think the combination of the suit and studded gloves kills me the most.


Guacamole Jim

It’s hard to say whether or not this is a ballad, but the original most certainly is, so I suppose this counts. They’ve made it less ballad-esque by turning up the “suck” knob so high it’s nigh impossible to hear the song they’re covering. Maybe this was intended to be an elaborate joke and I’m just missing it, but fuck. I want to go back in time and stab Seal in the throat just to stop him from writing the song that these assholes would later butcher with all the grace of Mr. Bean shoving a camel in Jeff Foxworthy’s ass.


Alright flushalos, now’s your chance. Which of these ballads is the sawftest?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 08-03-2015 09:00:00
end_date 09-03-2015 01:00:00
Poll Results:
Which of these ballads is the sawftest?

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

  • Enemy Of The Free World

    Early are we?

    • Stanley

      The clocks went forward last night.

      • MoshOff

        Not in Europe…

        • Stanley

          All the lazy yanks are still in bed.

          • VVayne Brady

            hehehehe…yank.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            *yanks*

      • Enemy Of The Free World

        Ah, but I am an European. So it is not until the end of this month for us. Didn’t realize that.

        • Based Tapir

          European master race!

          • VVayne Brady

            I thought you hated Europeans?

          • Based Tapir

            Not all Europeans. I do have a deep and strong hate of Nordic people.

  • FeelTheDarknesses

    That version of Changes is vomit inducing

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      The original though. It’s a good song but probably belonged on the covers whiff a few weeks back

  • FeelTheDarknesses

    That Kix’s karaoke was hilarious. Gold Jerry! GOLD!!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      That guy’s YouTube channel is cringe gold. It’s hilarious to go back to his first videos and watch the progression as he slowly buys more green screen crap.

  • GL gets my vote. I hate Poison just slightly more than I hate that version of Changes.

  • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

    0 votes so far! Nyeah! Link can back me up on this one!

  • Based Tapir

    Oooh boy, this looks like a hard decision.

    • Scrimm

      Was just going to say that.

  • Scrimm! – Holy shit, I did not know Lawrence Tierney had a singing gig.

    http://www.wearysloth.com/Gallery/ActorsT/17132-15826.gif

    • VVayne Brady

      You don’t tip?

      • JamesGrimm

        just the tip.

        • Rocco Siffredi, baby

          Only little tip

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Cough up a buck you cheap bastard

    • Scrimm

      OH MY GOD I DIDN”T THINK THAT VIDEO COULD GET ANY FUNNIER!!!

  • Scrimm

    Thanks for covering that Bear God. here’s the other video for more Lolbuttz. Mr Spock>>>>> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGF5ROpjRAU

    • Scrimm

      Also, it really sounds like he keeps saying dildo.

    • Enemy Of The Free World

      I don’t really even hate that. I must admit it is shit, bt I like a lot of shit. I merely submitted it because of your comment.

      • Scrimm

        I don’t hate it either, Just think it’s funny. I would have just done it as a sort of tribute, even though it’s in the whiff’s

        • Enemy Of The Free World

          As I said, I like a lot of shit and it even seems to be a somewhat of a theme here that people sent songs they actually like themselves…

          • Scrimm

            I don’t totally hate the one I submitted, but I do find it ridiculous and worth some laughs.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            I voted for yours, fuck. That is all.

          • Scrimm

            Glad to not be shutout.

          • VVayne Brady

            Let the record show that I do hate the song I submitted.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            Well, yours was easily one of the worst

          • Scrimm

      • You like a lot of shit? Oh, really?

        • Based Tapir

          He does like Bolt Thrower
          #shotsfired
          #rustling

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            I have converted Jimmy to fight by my side, Banned Tapire

          • Based Tapir

            I don’t care about that, I still have Pertti (the crazy homeless man that lives near my local Prisma) on my side.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            But he’s crazy, he doesn’t count.

          • Based Tapir

            Crazykin are being oppressed yet again. Also, my mom is on my side.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            Your mom doesn’t even like you

          • Based Tapir

            No one likes me tho.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            True, true.

          • Based Tapir

            Mä vedän koko maailmaa turpaan!

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            Istutsä isoveljes motskarin selässä, kädet ojossa kuljette kahen soppajonon keskellä?

          • Based Tapir

            En omista isoveljeä, vain kaksi pikkuveljeä.

          • more beer

            That’s some gang you have there.

          • Scrimm

            Get out.

        • Enemy Of The Free World

          Yeah, I think it’s called Coprophilia

    • Rho Stone

      what is this?

      • Scrimm

        Some song Mr Spock did in 1970

  • Wow – the Ax7 song sounds like they tried to do their version of Motley Crue’s “Home Sweet Home” minus the hairspray, women’s makeup and lingerie.

    • VVayne Brady

      I can’t believe that song was written.

    • It sounds to me like it lifted pretty heavily from this tune as well. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Wd2aeZhu9xY

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        You mkean another A 7x “original” coincidentally sounds like another song released in the past? Man these guy are unlucky like that.

  • The Chris Holmes song has an almost and equal amount of thumbs up and thumbs down on Youtube. Dude looks like Hacksaw Jim Duggan ditched the 2×4 for a guitar.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Trailer Park Hero

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      Damnit. I love Wasp and every last side project of any of their members so I can’t insult Chris.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      That song could easily get a start on ROTW

  • Enemy Of The Free World

    Wasn’t Fred Durst a no-go?

    • VVayne Brady

      Technically yes, but since I haven’t reminded y’all of that in a while, I let it slide this time.

      • I did that for one reason and one reason only…………

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vNjMOuO_fI&spfreload=10

        • VVayne Brady

          Getcha pull, Ron.

        • JJM

          I like this band now.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            HAZZAH! Hoo-Wah! and other noise of (for) Victory and exclaims of joy.

          • JJM

            The other Finn ain’t gonna be happy tho…

          • Based Tapir

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            There’s no pleasing Tapir.

          • Based Tapir

            I am disappoint.

          • Scrimm

            So happy for you.

  • Cybernetic Organism: Because profaning a good power ballad is just . . . profane.

    Endnote: “Hash Pipe” and “Buddy Holly” are not good songs.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      See you at da pahty!

    • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

      I don’t care what you say about those songs,
      I don’t care bout that.

      • What’s with this homie dissing my songs?
        Why does he gotta front?
        What did we ever do to this troll
        that made him so vi-o-lunt?

    • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

      Weezer blows, period.

      • Meh, the Blue Album and Pinkerton were important to me during the pubescent years. I can still dig that shite. That said, everything after Pinkerton does, in fact, blow. Period.

  • SUNLIGHTBEARD

    I vote Brother McNutty

    • VVayne Brady

      As did I.

      • Scrimm

        I can’t decide, but that is definitely a top contender. Those vocals…

        • JJM

          I voted you, bae

          • Scrimm

            You just made my weekend.

  • Enemy Of The Free World

    Oh god, UDO has probably one ballad that isn’t mind-blowingly bad, this is one of the worst. IS THAT A SUIT MADE OF LEATHER?!

    • Scrimm

      There’s so many things about that video that cause me to burst out laughing. Currently my favorite part is the one keystroke at the rather akward end of the song.

      • Enemy Of The Free World

        Mute that song and it’s still a winner here.

        • Scrimm

          Agreed.

    • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

      I forget the name of the song, but there’s a live video of his where he’s dressed up like Butterball from Hellraiser 3.

      • Enemy Of The Free World

        Oh dear lord.

  • Dang. That’s one of the few Weezer songs I actually like.

    • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

      That song is terrible and you know it. It would their worst song if it wasn’t for this mistake.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nKNhNifp6M

      • Rivers Cuomo has a long and diverse discography that is mostly terrible.

        • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

          No. I refuse to believe this.

          Unless its from 2005 to 2010, then I believe you.

        • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

          I never could get into Weezer, even back in ’95, when they were big. I laughed my ass off when I first heard ‘Sweater’ and people somehow took that song seriously.

      • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

        Oh there’s even worse. On behalf of all of Chicago, I apologize for this raging turd.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmgyBHVnHFM

        • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

          Ugh, I like older FOB (I’d say don’t judge me, but I called myself Oli Sykes, you judged me already), but that abomination deserves an apology from America, let alone Chicago. But I thought you were from Pyongyang, and not Chicago. Do you own a second home there?

          • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

            It’s part of my work as an international playboy/sex symbol/secret agent.

          • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

            Kim Jong-Un is secretly Kanye West.
            No wait, ones a dictatorial fascist twat with a god complex, and the other one is Kim Jong-Un.

  • Enemy Of The Free World

    For Glock Jim’s Blaowy-ing delight, Northern Kings actually made two albums of that… thing-y.

    • Guacamole Jim

      NO

      • Enemy Of The Free World

        *do the yes dance*

  • krisdaschwab912

    Yeah…that Avenged Sevenfold is the most terrible piece of crap I have heard in a while.

  • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

    Its a close call between the A7X one (I like them, but that song is cancer) and the Ozzy one, but the butchering of Changes takes the cake for me. Well, time to slip back into character so I can piss on its disease ridden corpse.

  • I’m torn between Kix, Rata Blanca and U.D.O. I’m going to run through them all again and see which one makes me laugh the hardest.

  • SUNLIGHTBEARD

    I’m curious as to what’s happening next Sunday. I demand more polls

    • It will be competitive as all fuck.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        BEYOND TOILETDOME

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      Is it Rustlemania 31? If it is I have some good rustling ideas on my quest to be the Toilet Jimmy Rustling champion.

      • Based Tapir

        You can’t defeat the McNulty.

        • VVayne Brady

          I think Randall Thor and Herr Schmitty are the top contenders for the championship belt.

          • Based Tapir

            I’m not familiar with Herr Schmitty’s rustling activities.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            What am I in contention for?

        • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

          Yes I can. I have some extremely unpopular opinions I am willing to bust out.

      • Supreme Chief Poopypanties
  • Hubert, Goat ov ……Satan

    I voted lolbuttz last week

    lolbuttz

  • Spear

    Fucking Udo. He’s like a goddamn pudgy raisin.

  • Hubert, Goat ov ……Satan

    Bilbo looks like he has some serious mental issues.

    • Enemy Of The Free World

      Didn’t he?

      • Hubert, Goat ov ……Satan

        Uhhm, no?

        • Enemy Of The Free World

          Leaving off with 13 complete strangers to slay a beast a million times his size and conquer back a land with 14 fellows? I’d call that batshit insane.

          • Hubert, Goat ov ……Satan

            $$$$

            EDIT: Also, he wasn’t exactly eager to go on the journey.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            But a good Britt… I mean Hobbit does not concern himself with such trifles.

          • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

            Sounds like Che Guevara’s times in Bolivia.

    • VVayne Brady

      I have very fond memories of this movie.

      • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

        Same! If I’m not mistaken, wasn’t it done by the same guy who made Fire And Ice?

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Ron Deuce wins. Fuck Staind with a giant cactus.

  • Maik Beninton

    Here is what I can’t flush (warning: poserdom):
    Avenged Sevenfold
    Metallica
    U.D.O.
    Linkin Park (never! but I admit that song is not good but not bad)
    Periphery.

    Voted IronLawnmower.

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      I can’t flush Kix, UDO or Poison. I can flush Staind though.

      • Maik Beninton

        I would flush Metallica if it had been The Unforgiven III.
        That is the lowest one.

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Also you’re welcome W. Hoobastank should be flushed straight to hell.

  • JAGdidn’t feel like logging in

    KIX IS AWESOME. GET OFF MY LAWN.

  • tertius_decimus

    Voted for McNulty. Flush Periphery no matter what, flush them any day, in any weather! And don’t forget to clean the toilet.

    • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

      Good band, but they have one of the worst singers on earth. He sounds like an emofied version of Mew’s singer.

      • tertius_decimus

        Misha is on the same level as Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Michel Angelo Batio and the likes. This is not a compliment.

  • Rho Stone

    Fred Durst is like a lame version of Jesse Pinkman

  • Based Tapir

    Skronk master W gets my vote.

    • VVayne Brady

      Thank you, rodent.

  • Akerskronks ov Steele

    Not an entry but the UDO entry made me think of this for some reason, nearly shit myself when I first saw it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZY2nl2CwLc

    • Scrimm

      Dat flute tho!!

      • Akerskronks ov Steele

        But, but Bon Scott…with a beard!?

        • Scrimm

          I didn’t know that

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Hahaha, You’ve uncovered Bon’s seedy past

  • pïgchop™

    Hi everybuddy! Have a wiff O’ Sulfur Hexafluoride!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kvr9LFzOo50
    Put the lotion in the basket! hahaha.

    Cheers.

    • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

      Welcome to the Toilet!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      GAAAH

  • Virgil the Ghost Poet

    Their is just to many terrible riffs to pick just one. I was going to pick for my esteem dictator out of friendship but he got laid to that song so no. Wasp, poison, tommy girl, just too much crap. So I astane from voting this week.

  • Stanley

    If there’s one thing that gets on my tits more than Ozzy Osbourne, it’s Kelly Osbourne. In any other week that would have been my pick but I have to admit that the Nuge knocked it out of the park.

    • Scrimm

      She’s gotta be one of the ugliest people on the planet.

      • Stanley

        It’s not her looks. It’s talentless “celebrities” that are famous for doing fuck all that really grinds my gears.

    • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

      Check this one out though. It’s Ozzy’s kid, the one who refused to be on the show or in the limelight. Damn good artist! It’s kinda like Sigur Ros meets Portishead.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KToT4MaglaM

      • Stanley

        That’s not bad. The video is pretty cool too. All taken in one shot.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I thought I was on a good one there. Ego’s out of control + a brain fried by cocaine = whiff gold

  • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

    Can’t vote on this one, obviously, but I’ll toss in this stinker for good measure. This goes out to the tapir!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWLiCZtSY98

    • Stanley

      You can vote. Just not for your own. Although some still do. Buggers.

      • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

        Lol, I know. I meant on this video. Voting for yourself takes the fun out of the whole thing, and voting for someone else’s video right now would be like me kicking a field goal for the opposing team (normally I would though. There’s some upper decker flushers with this list).

        • Stanley

          Dood. You probably only have one vote so your field goal attempt would be like you kicking for another team in a completely different game in another city. Playing a different sport. Lol.

        • more beer

          I couldn’t decide what to vote for there was so much shit that needed flushing.

    • Based Tapir

      Timo Tolkki <<<<<<<<<<<<

      • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

        Hey now, that’s no way to talk about your dad!

        • Based Tapir

          I’m my own father and my own mother. I gave birth to myself.

          • Supreme Chief Poopypanties

            Timo misses you, baby tapir! Come and snuggle in his lap!

  • Lacertilian

    Sorry @James_Jimmy_Mcnulty:disqus but @disqus_kqxyUNPxty:disqus trumps that pick this week.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Black Lodge has no business being on WOTW

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    europe=hitler

    america > hitler

    fuck those motherfukers——-god bless america!!
    freedom for all people!!

    (both at once–full vol)
    http://youtu.be/nH0Et56Hxt4

    http://youtu.be/MP7m5VqQ6f8