Whiff o’ the Week (3/8/15)
“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.”
Let the corruption creep. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Last week, I tasked you with determining the worst from a generic batch of whiffs. Much to my elation, I emerged victorious for the first time in months. I’d like to thank Hoobastank for writing “The Reason” and Janitor Jim for his constant support.
Next week we’re taking a break from Whiff o’ the Week to try something a little different. But don’t worry, Whiff will be back in two weeks, so save your crap for then! Any old whiff will do!
Today, however, we’re talking about ballads. You know, those songs you always skip on the album. Let’s get to it!
This song is the very definition of pandering.
This low hanging fruit is delicious.
Sound of White Noise signaled the start of a very butt-rock period for Anthrax, and the lolbuttziest of this lolbuttzening is their ballad “Black Lodge.” Dear John Bush: Stop doing that.
Imagine all your buddies started chewing tobacco and they all spat in the same empty coke bottle, then challenged somebody to drink it for $20. That’s pretty grose. This is grose too.
This is my favorite power metal ballad. I’m sure plenty of you will find this lolbuttz. Go crazy.
Nordling Rites ov Karhu
For Scrimm, for Spock, and for all things flowery.
Folks, today I am going to play the system. This is a ballad that you all will hate with a passion in magnitude that rivals the Tapir’s hated of social interactions. Having said that, I love it… but you do not. Take the chorus for example, “As the water beads upon the window, turn the sad song up on the radio.” I win.
Attach Fred Durst‘s name to anything and it is guaranteed to turn into dookie. Staind is pretty unlistenable to begin with but Vanilla Ice Version 2.0 does his level best to add that moldy Bizkit flavor to an already unbearable ballad.
Remember when the Osbournes where the biggest thing in pop culture for 5 minutes? Enjoy the result of that.
Formerly Known As Oli Sykes
I know Weezer aren’t really metal and all that, but this is an absolute brainfart of a song, and easily one of the worst songs by a good band. Fuck this song, fuck that godawful chorus, fuck the stupid lyrics and fuck Rivers Cuomo for thinking this was a good idea. This is the same guy who’s written classics like “Say It Ain’t So,” “Pink Triangle,” “Hash Pipe,” and “Buddy Fucking Holly.” What made him think this was a good fucking idea?
Kim Jong Un
Oh, the things you have to suffer through to bag a hot South American chick. Including having to listen to this boner killer on repeat. Even if you don’t understand Spanish, you’ll simply feel your balls and wiener shrivel up like pill bug.
For some reason Linkin Park decided to end their intriguing, but flawed concept album A Thousand Suns with an acoustic guitar-driven ballad. The slight twang to the music is an unexpected turn that jars with Chester Bennington’s gruff, yet whiny vocals. Although credit to Mike Shinoda for resisting the urge to drop an earnest rap into this misguided attempt at deep and meaningful artiness.
Singing Kix‘s “Don’t Close Your Eyes” in your basement KISS dungeon? Fine. Dedicating it to everyone who lost someone? Also fine. But at 0:40, be prepared to sever your ears. Keep a knife handy.
Your mother gave birth to you with love inside
She had candlelight and songs of life
Brandon I love you, I love her, she is your mom
True love is ours, nobody else
I only want you to be yourself,
And when I’m gone, don’t cry for me
I kept starting to write a blurb about this song, but nothing I write can do justice to how bad this song is. So instead I thought I’d copy and paste the second verse. This is so cringe worthy it makes me sweat.
Poison was always a second tier hair metal band that achieved way more success than what was due, mostly due to this turd. FLUSH.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA— I could go on with that for a while. This whole thing kills me. You have to watch the video with it to get the full effect. I think the combination of the suit and studded gloves kills me the most.
It’s hard to say whether or not this is a ballad, but the original most certainly is, so I suppose this counts. They’ve made it less ballad-esque by turning up the “suck” knob so high it’s nigh impossible to hear the song they’re covering. Maybe this was intended to be an elaborate joke and I’m just missing it, but fuck. I want to go back in time and stab Seal in the throat just to stop him from writing the song that these assholes would later butcher with all the grace of Mr. Bean shoving a camel in Jeff Foxworthy’s ass.
Alright flushalos, now’s your chance. Which of these ballads is the sawftest?
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.