Whiff o’ the Week (2/8/2015)
Earth raised up her head
From the darkness dread and drear,
Her light fled,
And her locks covered with grey despair.
These are the chains that bind. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Last week I tasked you with identifying the worst collaboration. As it turns out, Nickelback’s misguided ode to Dimebag was more appropriation than tribute. Congratulations on your noxious choice, MoshOff.
Next week, the Masterlord and I are teaming up to deliver a one-two punch of content most people will hate. Your category for the next Whiff o’ the Week: Worst power metal song! Go forth and find the rustiest sword.
One more important thing before we get to the whiffs. From now on, please submit all whiff entries to email@example.com. I’ve unfortunately missed a few entries over the weeks, so I’d like to have just one location to search.
This week, however, we’re talking about the year 2002. What was the nastiest thing that dropped 13 years ago. Let’s get to it.
Lacuna Coil is easily one of the least entertaining bands I’ve seen live, but they aren’t any better on record. What I’e never understood is why they continue to let Andrea Ferro sing.
Cue that clip from Metal Evolution about Disturbed where David Draiman says “We never rapped.”
Remember boringcore Atreyu?
Vocalist: “Okay guise, who’s tired of being gud?”
Guitarist: “I am. And can you fuck up my guitar tone?”
Drummist: “Me too (and count me in for the fucked-up tone plz).”
Vocalist: “We shall do all of these things, and of course I’ll do stupid vocal thingies too… somehow we’ll make more moneys this way!”
2nd Guitarist: “Let’s make this video, but first set phasers to cringe.”
If this song had been some post-mortem message to his father, Timo should have gotten the loving care of a really good professional psychiatrist because, you know, childhood traumas have serious impact on one’s mental health. Revenge is served cold usually but in this case it somewhat spoiled. What is truly confusing is that this rotten stuff came under the “Hymn to Life” banner. If this is a hymn to life, I would hate to know what is hell in his book. The song “Father” must be residing under the explanation of the word “abomination” in a dictionary.
Holy god this is awful. I thought Cold Lake was the nadir of the Celtic Frost discography until this was started into my ear holes. What the fuck was Tom G. Warrior thinking? Why any part of this hip hop blend?
This week I’d like to nominate M̶a̶r̶i̶l̶y̶n̶ ̶M̶a̶n̶s̶o̶n̶’̶s̶ ̶T̶h̶e̶ ̶B̶e̶a̶u̶t̶i̶f̶u̶l̶ ̶P̶e̶o̶p̶l̶e̶ Danzig‘s “Kiss The Skull.” I like I Luciferi but this attempt at Nu Metal is just awful. Bonus points here for the total lolbuttz video too which could do with a going over from 365 Days Of Horror.
It’s the emo metalcore version of “Anaconda” you didn’t know you didn’t need.
This band was formed by the singer of Atheist and is proof death metal should not go nu metal.
I took my happy ass to the record store the day this thing dropped only to realize upon returning home that I had spent fifteen bucks on a flat plastic nu metal turd. What the hell Bro?
Nordling Rites ov Karhu
This isn’t going to be regarded as the whiff this week; some of you even like this stinker. I, a mortal who, while living, have conquered the universe, happen to think this is an atrocity.
Further Down the Metal Hole
Many think any Black Label Society song is a valid contender for the eternal halls of atrociously reeking whiffs. I’d like to think 1919 Eternal is one of the better albums they made, but this song towards the end lets me down so much. It drags its butt all the way into the sewer, with no outside help.
I don’t really have words to describe how awful this song is.
The worst of anything always ends up being nu metal.
Alright, there you have it. Fly, my little birds, and decide which of these relics should stay forgotten.