Whiff o’ the Week (2/8/2015)

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Earth raised up her head
From the darkness dread and drear,
Her light fled,
Stony, dread,
And her locks covered with grey despair.

These are the chains that bind. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Last week I tasked you with identifying the worst collaboration. As it turns out, Nickelback’s misguided ode to Dimebag was more appropriation than tribute. Congratulations on your noxious choice, MoshOff.

morsh

Next week, the Masterlord and I are teaming up to deliver a one-two punch of content most people will hate. Your category for the next Whiff o’ the Week: Worst power metal song! Go forth and find the rustiest sword.

One more important thing before we get to the whiffs. From now on, please submit all whiff entries to toiletovhellwhiff@gmail.com. I’ve unfortunately missed a few entries over the weeks, so I’d like to have just one location to search.

This week, however, we’re talking about the year 2002. What was the nastiest thing that dropped 13 years ago. Let’s get to it.


W.

Lacuna Coil is easily one of the least entertaining bands I’ve seen live, but they aren’t any better on record. What I’e never understood is why they continue to let Andrea Ferro sing.


MoshOff

Cue that clip from Metal Evolution about Disturbed where David Draiman says “We never rapped.”

 


Maik Beninton

Remember boringcore Atreyu?


McNulty

Vocalist: “Okay guise, who’s tired of being gud?”
Guitarist: “I am. And can you fuck up my guitar tone?”
Drummist: “Me too (and count me in for the fucked-up tone plz).”
Vocalist: “We shall do all of these things, and of course I’ll do stupid vocal thingies too… somehow we’ll make more moneys this way!”
2nd Guitarist: “Let’s make this video, but first set phasers to cringe.”


Tertius Decimus

If this song had been some post-mortem message to his father, Timo should have gotten the loving care of a really good professional psychiatrist because, you know, childhood traumas have serious impact on one’s mental health. Revenge is served cold usually but in this case it somewhat spoiled. What is truly confusing is that this rotten stuff came under the “Hymn to Life” banner. If this is a hymn to life, I would hate to know what is hell in his book. The song “Father” must be residing under the explanation of the word “abomination” in a dictionary.


IronLawnmower

Holy god this is awful. I thought Cold Lake was the nadir of the Celtic Frost discography until this was started into my ear holes. What the fuck was Tom G. Warrior thinking? Why any part of this hip hop blend?


Ted Nü-Djent

This week I’d like to nominate M̶a̶r̶i̶l̶y̶n̶ ̶M̶a̶n̶s̶o̶n̶’̶s̶ ̶T̶h̶e̶ ̶B̶e̶a̶u̶t̶i̶f̶u̶l̶ ̶P̶e̶o̶p̶l̶e̶ Danzig‘s “Kiss The Skull.” I like I Luciferi but this attempt at Nu Metal is just awful. Bonus points here for the total lolbuttz video too which could do with a going over from 365 Days Of Horror.


Esusmoose

It’s the emo metalcore version of “Anaconda” you didn’t know you didn’t need.


Janitor Jim

This band was formed by the singer of Atheist and is proof death metal should not go nu metal.


Scrimm

I took my happy ass to the record store the day this thing dropped only to realize upon returning home that I had spent fifteen bucks on a flat plastic nu metal turd. What the hell Bro?


Nordling Rites ov Karhu

This isn’t going to be regarded as the whiff this week; some of you even like this stinker. I, a mortal who, while living, have conquered the universe, happen to think this is an atrocity.


Further Down the Metal Hole

Many think any Black Label Society song is a valid contender for the eternal halls of atrociously reeking whiffs. I’d like to think 1919 Eternal is one of the better albums they made, but this song towards the end lets me down so much. It drags its butt all the way into the sewer, with no outside help.


Jack Bauer

I don’t really have words to describe how awful this song is.


Roshin

The worst of anything always ends up being nu metal.


Alright, there you have it. Fly, my little birds, and decide which of these relics should stay forgotten.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 08-02-2015 10:00:00
end_date 09-02-2015 01:00:00
Poll Results:
Which of these relics should stay forgotten?
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.
(Photo VIA)

 

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  • MoshOff

    BOW TO YOUR WHIFFMASTER GENERAL. Also lolololololololololol two songs from Believe. Well done, Archbauer. For the record: I still jam Believe occasionally, but it’s chock full-o’-buttz.

    • Lol Draiman’s voice is just not suited for a ballad.

      • Scrimm

        It’s not suited for being anywhere near a microphone

        • CyberneticOrganism

          #OOH-WAH-AH-AH-AH

  • BAXXX BXAXXBXAXX

    So, my sunday off, old lady is at work. I queue up some disgusting porn, power metal, and DkS2. Pack a bowl, and crack open a beer (yes, this early).

    These whiffs so bad its ruining my buzz.

    • Is it the whiffs or is it trying to play Dark Souls and enjoy yourself at the same time?

    • Dagon

      That sounds like a solid Sunday gameplan.

    • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

      They’re so bad that they’re ruining my buttz.

    • God ov All

      Dude, the new update. oh my goodness like I needed an excuse to get sucked in again.

    • Lacertilian

      I can’t bring myself to push play on most of them these days.

  • B00mhauer

    Wow. I actually really like that In Flames song. Its one of my favorites by them. DON’T MIND ME I’M JUST GUNNA EAT THIS BUTTSORE SANDWICH.

    Liberate your minds, mother mothers.

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      I love In Flames. That album wasn’t good though.

      • DDubya.

        It’s better than Siren Charms.

        • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

          EVERYTHING’S better than Siren Charms.

        • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

          No it isn’t. Siren Charms is my jam.

      • B00mhauer

        i love that album. Reminds me of my brother. He’s at Guantanamo Bay right now. That album was our JAM.

  • This is two more Atreyu than I thought I would see.

    • EsusMoose

      Well you thought wrong and am I glad I threw one of those atrocities out.

      • I thought they were mostly forgotten, really.

        • EsusMoose

          I had forgotten but while skimming the wikipedia page for metal releases of 2002 I saw their name. I had a friend in high school who was really into their stuff so I felt it was right.

          • Jefrey Waylon Mann

            I did the same thing.

          • EsusMoose

            Are we not the pristine image of a toileter?

  • Guacamole Jim

    Yep, that’s an era of In Flames that I still love. I’ve got a soft spot for them right up until Come Clarity. Also, I dig those Disturbed tunes. And that Dream Theater song is fucking killer – great prog, and at a time when DT was still making fresh sounding music from album to album. YOU’RE ALL WRONG except for most of you who picked truly terrible music.

  • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

    God, that first Atreyu song’s vocals are AWFUL. Nü-Djent and Lawnmover are pretty horrbad too. Scrimm gets extra points for a band that once was good.

    But boy-o is that Tolkki song beyond words. A crime against humanity, gets my vote

  • Mr.Custodial Arts

    Add these guys to the list of atrocities Germany has committed in the past…legend has it that Victory was gonna pair this noisy bag of shit with HATEBREED for a short tour, but, you know, seems Mr.Jasta was sensitive about their name. Not 2002, but I had to share.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=955_zxq0Ssg

  • Ain’t Love Grand. i can’t believe they heard that guy “screaming” and said “sounds great!”
    Tercius Decimus, your song was a LOLfactory!

    • tertius_decimus

      It’s not my song, it’s Timo LOLkki’s song. 😀

    • Dagon

      That had plenty of lol and buttz together

  • tertius_decimus

    Lacuna Coil is boring, but it’s too far away from being the worst.

    Disturbed — again, easily bearable.

    Atreyu — same again. There were many bands like that back in the day on “alternative music” TV channels.

    In Flames — nice music but vocals spoiled the whole thing. Agree with mr. McNulty.

    Celtic Frost — oh yeah. Since it’s stupid to vote for myself, the vote goes to this atrocity.

    Danzig — horrible vocals but still easy to forget.

    Atreyu — hive mind alert. 🙂

    Neurotica — never heard this before (huge Atheist fan). Well, Sadist has its “St. Anger” too. They still write astonishing music. As does Atheist as well: “Jupiter” rocks. And I’m enjoying that Neurotica track very much too! Should have placed in best nu-metal chart RIFF OV THE WEEK next week.

    Dream Theater — yeah, the track from one of their emptiest and most boring albums in the career. Wonder if it works as soporific pill for those who suffer from insomnia. Dat plastic Myung bass… whew…

    Black Label Society — boring.

    Disturbed — more hive minds for ToH. 🙂

    Korn — see, we can’t have the worst song chart without Korn. In my book it’s too easy to participate with such type of songs because everyone with a taste knows as an axiom that nu metal sucks. Much harder to find ugly pieces in metal which is good by default.

    All in all, voted for IronLawnmower.

    • God ov All

      What about dat hypocrisy song?

      • tertius_decimus

        Not that bad to mention.

      • Akercocke ov Steele

        I put in my vote for Hypocrisy.

    • Jefrey Waylon Mann

      Well i love that korn track.

    • I vaguely remember Neurotica from way back when, but never knew it was the guy from Atheist.

  • Dagon

    I think I know why Lacuna Coild still lets Ferro sing…

    OH shit, Andrea is the dude. In Brasil Andrea is a female name.

    • DDubya.

      It’s a female name here too. Dude’s voice is awful.

      • Dagon

        I would much rather listen to this than to any of their music

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQFHGgPVHaM

      • JWG

        “Andrea” is literally a very manly name, though.

        • DDubya.

          Aye, I see what you’re getting at.

          • JWG

            I, myself, have a name that has become gender-ambiguous over time and across nationalities (Jesse) – especially where people have lost the ability to spell the diminutive forms of Jessica (Jessie/Jess) right.

            Never was the case when I was a kid. You have no idea how many phone calls I’ve received since the 90s for my ‘sister’ (ugh) or in recent years daughter (double ugh), though.

          • DDubya.

            Interesting. I’ve always seen Jesse as a male name. More interesting, though, is the way that names like Shelby or Madison which started out strictly for men have become much more associated with women.

          • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

            Lol my dad’s name is Jesse. Srs.

          • JWG

            Same goes for Hilary (or its spelling variants), though a slightly older case than Madison’s gender-switch.

            Not to mention nowhere near as easy to attribute to a single cultural moment.

          • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

            I still see it as a male name as well since my dad’s name is Jesse and it’s still used more commonly as a male name here in Texas.

          • Stabbathley

            I hate to point this out but what the hell, it’s Sunday.

            http://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:Glossary_of_Scottish_slang_and_jargon

          • DDubya.

            A big girl’s blouse?

          • Stabbathley

            Yup . It means that you’re a big softie.

          • JWG

            Point away. It’s useful: since those are both homonyms of the feminine diminutive forms of Jessica, it pretty much justifies my consternation.

          • Not me! Kim is the most manly name on Earth, at least it has been since I was born on a unicorn on the highest mountains of Best Korea.

          • JWG

            Granted, Kim is a family name (like my cousin’s husband and another current work colleague).

            Actually… I had a classmate with my given name as a surname. I was occasionally tempted to ask if she had any ancestors with the unfortunate name “Jesse Jesse”. Never did, though.

    • It is in all of Latin America. It’s my Colombian ex’s name, actually.

  • Dagon

    Hhahahaha is it bad I’m laughing really hard at a song about parental abuse?

    • tertius_decimus

      It’s absolutely okay to laugh at a song about parental abuse which is THAT BAD.

  • Dagon

    I’m sorry Timo

    I never meant to hurt you

    http://www.metal-archives.com/images/2/5/6/4/2564_photo.jpg?4929

  • Dagon

    Don’t knock on Tom G Warrior’s rap single, it was influential for the development of a lot of classics with european accents

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_cCsFU6pak

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    that Celtic Frost atrocity wins. It’s so bad.

    • Sacritastic

      Celtic Frost went full Insane Clown Posse in this song.
      The lyrics are so retarded.
      Example:
      Du Baby, ey Baby, leck mich am Arsch = You, Baby, ey Baby, lick my ass.

      Ich blas dir den Marsch = Here: I blow your Dick.

      • EsusMoose

        But it makes you want to dance and slowly remove the part of the brain that deals with hearing and short term memory.

        • Sacritastic

          Sounds ugly but it seems appropriate.

    • Jefrey Waylon Mann

      At least he realized that was terrible and didn’t released it.
      He just forgot to erase its existence.

    • IronLawnmower

      Wahey!

  • Tyree

    WOW! This one of the shittiest ones yet. Fucking flush all ov this POOPY!

  • Tyree

    Scrimm, That song sucks ass.

    • Scrimm

      I like how they tried to go back and rerecord vocals on that album and it didn’t help at all.

  • KJM

    That Frost is horrible and heartbreaking at the same time. Voted.

    • FeelTheDarkness

      Me too. Just so much garbage

    • Same here. Between that, Cold Lake and Nemesis, no wonder Tom’s all pissed off all the time! He sounds hilariously lolbuttz in pretty much any interview he does about his stuff outside of those three (which he seems to pretend like they never existed). He reminds me of that Hooked On Phonics skit from ‘In Living Color’ when he talks!

      • KJM

        To be fair, I like to pretend those didn’t exist either.

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    My God these are all just… they’re just awful. Flush every damn one of these atrocities. I have to vote for McNulty, because his comment made me lol and also I’m still bitter from In Flames descent into suckage.

    • that’s how i try to approach these: not going to vote for Korn because they’ve never been good. same with Disturbed.

      • On behalf of all of Southside Chicago, we humbly apologize for unleashing Disturbed and Jenny McCarthy on the world!

        • i respect her work in the mid-90’s for a certain gentleman’s magazine.

  • Based Tapir

    Nordling knows me. DT <<<<<<<<

  • Dagon

    Hey BROs I’m having a pool party today you’re all invited massive epic bro-down looking for a hoe-down

    http://lolhehehe.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/FFDkiVR.jpg

  • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

    Ehhhhhhh, that Korn song isn’t that bad. I was actually kind of enjoying it until the stupid chorus came along.

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    Korn, Disturbed, and Atreus are all way too easy a choice. That leaves In Flames or Dream Theater. I hate Dream Theater with a passion and In Flames didn’t quite go full lolbuttz yet when they made that song.

    Thus the bear gets vote.

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    I just listened to that Celtic Frost song. Holy shitballs that was painful to listen to. But it’s still not as bad as Dream Theater.

    • EsusMoose

      The worst part about the Dream Theater one is the talking and mostly because Dream Theater is hit or miss. The worst part about the Celtic frost one is I have the image of Tom Fischer dancing while the track goes on. If I held DT higher they would have gotten my vote because Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence was bad

  • God ov All

    I honestly dont know how that Hypocrisy song is remotely Nu Metal. highly disagree but regardless, that Celtic Frost abortion….blech.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Whiffin’ a song off Six Degres of Inner Turbulence is something I just can’t wrap my head around at the moment

    • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

      You like the garbage then?
      Here, have mine.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Categorically and unashamedly love it

  • JWG

    I’m a little disappointed that next week’s whiff/riff themes aren’t lovey-dovey ballads or some such thing appropriate for celebrating the martyrdom of Saint Valentinus

    I’ll get over it, though. Perhaps not having another reminder of V-Day is a positive.

  • I voted Lip Gloss and Black by Atreyu because I was going to nominate the exact same thing. This atrocity is partially responsible for some of the awful stuff making the rounds today.

    • EsusMoose

      Glad we think alike. I just decided I will not vote for myself so I don’t feel like a conniving douche. And that Celtic Frost track is terrible

      • Considering the selections, there are no wrong choices.

        • EsusMoose

          I had a half dozen I wanted to vote for, but decided on the one that seemed most silly.

      • DDubya.

        I voted for you too.

    • Atretu’s later stuff is pretty good though. Hated that first CD, but my roomie showed me their stuff after that. Kinda prog in an odd way.

      • The sight of them makes cringe – will not listen.

  • old_man_doom

    No! I’ll defend my shitty taste: I love BLS. 1919 Eternal is a great album. Rip into me, I don’t care! I defend the lords of pentatonics and pinch harmonics.

    • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

      I with ya bro. I love that album too. No shame. First BLS I ever bought actually. I do agree that’s the weakest track off the album, but the rest was solid. His newer albums haven’t been as good as his older ones, Blessed Hellride being the last one I really loved. Order of the Black was pretty good, but the newest album didn’t grab me at all.

      • old_man_doom

        Wylde is one of my heroes. Even though his recent output hasn’t been great, I’ve never really understood the hate his band gets. I mean, sure it caters to wannabe biker meatheads, but the dude still rips on guitar and he seems like a pretty genuine guy.

        • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

          Many years ago I met Zakk at a concert in Dallas and he was super chill. Talked for a bit about touring and gear, and he even autographed some BLS swag I had without being asked.

      • Jefrey Waylon Mann

        I love order, is the first album that I heard from them.

        • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

          That one was the best since The Blessed Hellride imo. Mafia and Shot to Hell had some decent songs, but nothing I return to that often other than “Suicide Messiah,” “Fire it Up,” and “Blood is Thicker than Water.” I think Stronger than Death, 1919 Eternal, and The Blessed Hellride are BLS’s strongest albums. Check out Zakk’s pre-BLS album Book of Shadows if you like his acoustic playing, it’s better than Hangover Music and is probably my favorite Zakk release overall.
          http://youtu.be/vbfCauQceGs

          • old_man_doom

            Those drop-B songs on Blessed Hellride (“Funeral Bell”, etc.) definitely got me into heavier style riffs.

          • Further Down the Metal Hole

            I’m genuinely surprised about BLS love here at the Toilet. Thought I was pretty much alone.

    • Further Down the Metal Hole

      I completely agree about the album as a whole. It’s the first I heard of theirs and still my favourite to this day, but dat song can just go to hell and not look back.

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      I like BLS as well. Zakk is an awesome guitaris and even though the current albums aren’t good I enjoy the older stuff.

  • Pierre Generic

    Poor Danzig. He suffered an identity crisis after the original band quit/got fired. First he wanted to be NIN with that terrible BlackAcidEvil album and then with 666:Devil’s Child and I, Guy Fieri, or whatever, he jumped on the Manson/Zombie bandwagon. At least he cut the trend hopping with the last two albums. Can you imagine a Scremo/Djent Danzig?

  • Stabbathley

    IronLawnmowerDeth where did you dig that up from? I was unaware of that travesty. Tom is well known for his experimental side so it’s come to be expected that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. BIG!

    • Lol, it’s been known for a while! I’m wondering what kind of grand, pedantic speech he had when he released that one and Cold Lake.

    • IronLawnmower

      Looking through the CF MA page and i saw it had a really low score.

      • Stabbathley

        It probably had a ‘-‘ before the score.

  • Virgil the Ghost Poet

    Ted NuDjent! Damn You!!!!!!!

  • Ironlawnmower got my vote, hands down.
    Lacuna Coil is kinda bleh past the first few CDs, but I have nothing but kind words about Christina Scabia. Lacuna Coil was my first interview, and she’s very nice and down to earth.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    all 3 at once-

    1st vid-50%vol
    2nd vid-100%vol
    3rd vid-50%

    http://youtu.be/Lg8myXd8jUA

    http://youtu.be/RSS0IriijrE

    http://youtu.be/hOVdjxtnsH8

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    I still stand by my whiff, it just bores me to tears.

  • BAXXX BXAXXBXAXX
  • TWO Atreyu whiffs!? High school me is devastated.

    • college me is laughing at high school you

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Jesus FUCKING Christ those Atreyu vocals… and yet my comedic fartgrindcore band goes completely unnoticed