Whiff o’ the Week (2/22/15)

1889
262
Share:

“The most merciful thing in the world… is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.”

Embrace the bafflement of the end. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Last week I asked you to find the worst power metal song. For the second week in a row, IronLawnmower has demonstrated that he has a far greater knowledge of awful things than the rest of us. But can he win a third time and claim the crap hat-trick crown?

iron

Next week, we’re having a regular old whiff-off. Just bring your stinkiest whiffs, any category. Make sure you send your entry, along with your disqus handle to toiletovhellwhiff@gmail.com.

This week, however, we’re talking about Metalcore. Which of these bastard children of At the Gates is the durst? Let’s get to it.


W.

Do you want to hear a totally neutered and utterly flaccid take on a beloved ’80s classic? Would you like to have your fond memories of Donnie Darko ruined? Then check out this cover of “Mad World” by Evergreen Terrace.


Papa Joe

Is this metalcore? I dunno but it really annoys me.


Masterpants

I know I say “this is the shittiest fucking shit I’ve ever heard in my entire shitty fucking shit life”, but I’ve never really meant it until now. After the first few seconds of unprecedented suck, you just don’t imagine it could be possible for the song to somehow get worse. It does, you guys. It really, really does. I almost didn’t submit it for fear of becoming one of the “haters” that keeps this fucking nob “motivated”. I don’t want to be responsible for that, but I can’t bear this cross alone. Also, in spite of it barely beating out “lolbuttz” as his most prominent character trait, this horse’s ass of a singer apparently has no idea what the word “unbearable” means.


MoshOff

I like Trivium; fight me. Ascendancy is a masterpiece of an album… except for that one song that’s so horrible it almost drags the rest of the record down.


Stanley

Sticky sweet cleans. Check. V-neck t-shirts. Check. Breakdowns. Check. Dude head-banging over keyboard. Check. Synchronized jumps. Check. Crab stance. Check. The crab stance to end all crab stances. Check, check, check. Every cliche in Metalcore included in one video. Check. Christian Metalcore, arrgghh! Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.


Ellipsis

Parkway Drive are inexplicably successful. None other than Killswitch Engage’s Adam Dutkiewicz produced their first album (such an original choice of producer for a metalcore band) and F1 racer Daniel Ricciardo listens to their music as part of his pre-race routine, saying they’re “Something that’ll get me really pumped up.” Really… Anyway, “Romance Is Dead” brings the chugga, chugga riffs and half-time breakdowns, but the lyrics are the true highlight, full of heartbreak and suicide references that are just perfect for a crowd sing along.


Roshin

Youdon’twannadie
Youdon’twannaseemanamaleemagetalife
Youdon’twannashuggadoogdapartamy MIND
a parta my MIND
EE-YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH [W. Note: Let the record show that Leif Bearikson submitted this whiff previously.]


Nordling Rites ov Karhu

Seriously, do I even flushing need to?


Ted Nü-Djent

I remeber when I first heard Hatebreed’s “Satisfaction Is The Death Of Desire.” I thought to myself, “This shit ain’t bad.” By the time I heard Perseverance, it was evident to me just how limited the genre was. Fast forward 13 years later and it’s baffling that not only does this genre still exist but actually flourishes and it’s lowest common denominator garbage like this that angsty teenage grrrls with a grudge against daddy eat up. I’m truly disappointed in humanity because of the existence of bands such as Atilla and their ilk.


Simon Phoenix

I was almost tempted to not submit this, as it’s the very definition of low hanging fruit. But this sums up everything that went wrong with two decades of metalcore in four minutes and thirty seconds of hilarity. Skip to the two minute mark for the beginning of maximum lolbuttz.


Esusmoose

They’re bad enough I just chose the first song that appeared when I googled Wovenwar.


IronLawnmower

Fucking Bring Me The Horizon animu music vuideo goddamn naruto i;d rather shittr my pantds than kuistne 2 this fucking bastarding hell shit.. Suck my fuck.


Alright folks, the burden is on your shoulders now. Which of these whiffs is lamer than Adam D.?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 22-02-2015 10:00:00
end_date 23-02-2015 01:00:00
Poll Results:
Which of these whiffs is lamer than Adam D.?

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

  • BASEDBEARD

    Oh geez

  • B00mhauer

    Am I back in highschool? Do i have swoopy hair, an undersized As I Lay Dying t-shirt, and volatile, hormone-driven emotions? Man, some of these take me back. A lot of the band names are kind of embarrassing. Oh, well. I’m gunna go play some It Dies Today jams on my $50 Ibanez. happy 2005, everyone!

    • IronLawnmower

      FUCK YOU SLUT. I HEARD YOU HAD SEX WITH DANNY WORSNOP IN THE COMMON ROOM YOU FUCKIN DIRTY HURE.

      • B00mhauer

        Well, yeah. His husky frame is very nurturing.

        • IronLawnmower

          *writes aimed status on facebook and gets squad on you*

      • Lacertilian

        I read ‘HURE’ like Frank Reynolds says whore.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RC7hZY3sVxE

    • B00mhauer

      Also, coincidentally, I woke up this morning with that stupid fucking Trivium song playing in my head. THE TOILET FLOWS WITHIN ME

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      I remember It Dies Today. They reunited and came to my area last year.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      This comment makes me glad I grew up when glam was big

  • @moshoff:disqus and @EsusMoose:disqus have submitted metal masterpieces in comparison to some of these other turds…

    • EsusMoose

      I’m horrified to listen to them now if my shit is considered a mastepiece

      • MoshOff

        Same…

        • Dagon

          Honestly, yours was the most tolerable track, and I actually almost liked it. I can understand why it would be the weakest entry inTrivium’s career.

      • Actually, yours was pretty good. It’s basically As I Lay Dying without Tim Lambesis, and it seems like instead of good cop/bad cop vocals, they just went full-on good cop.

        • EsusMoose

          I just find it mind numbing to listen to, I don’t like AiLD so with or without Tim Labesis it rends my ability to will to listen to music.

  • damn, bro in Lie or Liar has looks AND pipes?! *swoon

    • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

      He’s so linen soft, you just wanna ruffle his hair, pinch his cheeks and go “awwwwwwww, aren’t you a little rebel!”. Then proceed to give him a Werther’s Original. Or slam him in a locker.

    • Yeah, I’m wondering what he’s doing in lolzy angstcore band instead of going out and getting laid.
      Wait…

  • john

    My god Simon Phoenix, my god….

    • bass player dad: “here’s my chance to get in good with today’s youth…”

      • EsusMoose

        I’m glad he’s living such a fulfilling life

  • IronLawnmower

    I may be outclassed here…

  • Stanley

    Esus, me and you are going to have to have a little talk.

    • EsusMoose

      I don’t wanna, I couldn’t find skrillez’s crabcore group so I chose the last thing I remembered hating

      • Maik Beninton

        That was From First to Last

        • EsusMoose

          I don’t know these things, no one should

          • Maik Beninton

            It’s on the wikipedia.
            I would submit them but it was already late.

    • Maik Beninton

      You should have highlighted the 2:47 mark on your pick.
      That was total lolbuttz.

      • Stanley

        Can’t stream right because Internet. I assume that’s the bit where the electro section kicks in and they all start space walking on the spot. Maximum lolbuttz.

  • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple and Joe Thrashnkill, it’s impossible to pick betwixt you two…
    http://www.letswatchstartrek.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Picture-227.png

    • VVayne Brady

      Was Dagon in this week?

      • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

        Dagon’s shocked right nipple was.

        • VVayne Brady

          Oh, I see what’s going on.

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            That’s a very disturbing house you’ve got there btw.

          • Stanley

            I’ve spent a good five minutes looking at that house. It makes my head hurt. I should stop now… ok, one more look.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I can’t stop looking at it either.

  • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

    I should maybe have recommended a 2:22 mark.

  • KJM

    So many of these “songs” sound exactly the same. I went with Joe’s pick.

  • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

    Simon phoenix, your pick is hörrible.

  • BASEDBEARD

    I’ll go with masterpants because “Ambition is the Shit”

  • Between The Buried & Smee

    I’m regretting not ever submitting this:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMZO7bt6uKo

    • Guacamole Jim

      *shudders*
      *goes to cleanse self*

    • EsusMoose

      Two thoughts: Why is everyone the size of anemic super models and we can brush off teens who play it but not these guys. Unrelated I saw nightcrawler last night, great movie

      • What the hell was Nightcrawler actually about? I remember seeing trailers of Jake Gyllenhaal looking creepy and driving around at night and having no clue what was going on.

        • EsusMoose

          Nightcrawler is a term in movie for people who drive around at night and using police scanners get to accidents, fires, crimes, etc, video tape them and sell them to news studios for their broadcasts. His character decides to become one and it’s a movie about what he does to be successful. I had no idea going into what it was about but it’s a good 2 hour watch

      • Between The Buried & Smee

        I made the mistake of watching Gone Girl the other day. It should’ve stayed a book.

    • JamesGrimm

      I dig the transition from heavy to cleans at the begining.
      Its a better representation than most.

  • Guacamole Jim

    Joe wins. I don’t know how anything could be worse than Attack Attack, but he managed to find something. I’m torn between congratulating you and burning my computer.

    • Stockhausen

      Ahem.

      • Guacamole Jim

        I felt bad voting for them. It felt like picking on the fat ginger in high school – just too easy, and when you’re done, you feel like the Earth is a sadder place.

        • EsusMoose

          Thankfully it’s only a fat kid so it’s more like a day where it rains diet vitamin water and then the world goes back to normal

        • KJM

          Agreed, especially since I WAS the fat ginger in high school. Besides, even public access TV shows have better production values, too easy.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I was the skinny blonde, we would not of got along if 80’s movies have taught me anything

      • they’re so christian its like… thats probably the heaviest stuff they’ll know about for a while. and none of their peers are going to make fun of them for that video, so they’ll be blissfully ignorant for a few more years…

        • Stockhausen

          Being a Christian, I get really frustrated with the Christian metal “scene,” for lack of a better word. There is a different goal for the lyrics and music, obviously, but it sucks that there’s a huge lack of creativity. Bands like Extol and Antestor are fantastic exceptions though.

          • Being a non religious person, I’m angry at the Christian music scene. There’s basically a built in fanbase, so most artists do not have to try hard. Look at Amazon’s Impending Doom page, all albums are five star average, and the band is the opposite of rocket.
            Im so indifferent to the faiths, but I’d rather see bands like Extol who have a message and push the creative envelope.

          • Stockhausen

            I definitely get those complaints, I also dislike the fact that there’s very little creative accountability in Christian music, even outside of metal. I got really into Impending Doom’s first album because it’s an all-out filthy slamfest, but they took a hard left turn into mediocre metalcore after that and have been terrible ever since.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            What about?

          • Who plays bass??

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Hey, there was a bass guitar in my basement.

          • God dammit…

          • Maik Beninton

            Never heard of those bands.
            Just checked them, thanks for mentioning them.

          • Stockhausen

            Awesome! Hope you enjoy.

          • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

            Every time I hear someone say there’s no good Christian metal out there, I point to either of the two you just mentioned, or to these guys.

            https://youtu.be/RiW1kYwBz-M

          • JWG

            I was at a metal ‘colloquium’ series a few years ago in which one of the talks was regarding “unblack” metal.

            Several audience members – who hadn’t been reading the colloquium pamphlet ahead of time so they could avoid the ‘untrue’ things – let out an audible groan and some of them even got up and (noisily) left the room.

            Shame really. The presenter had a very interesting take on the phenomenon, and the multimedia component showcased some intriguing sounds. That was where I first heard the name Antestor. Far from the most recent though, not even counting your name drop there…

          • Stockhausen

            There are such things as metal colloquiums?? I need to be at one of these.

            That is a bummer that those dudes were too trve for schvvl. They missed out on some good metal.

          • JWG

            “South of Heaven” was a mid-2013 two-day colloquium put on by the University of Victoria’s Heavy Metal club in partnership with the Center for Studies in Religion and Society: http://csrs.uvic.ca/events/seminars_conferences/conferences_south_of_heaven.php

            It was more recently followed by a multi-Department conference called “Tribe & Rite” (https://onlineacademiccommunity.uvic.ca/triberite/) which is hopefully only the first of several, though I haven’t heard yet if the 2nd will be held this year or not.

            If they do have a 2015 repeat, I promise to provide a summary write-up to TovH.

          • #ToiletMetalColloquiums2015!

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            And Mortification

          • Stockhausen

            Mortification is awesome.

    • You have to be unimaginably terrible to be worse than Attack Attack.

    • Dagon

      I don’t know how something is going to outwhiff that. He will probably get my vote.

      Hot Topic.

  • Stockhausen

    I was ready to vote for Masterlord, because holy crap that was bad. But then I listened to Simon Phoenix’s pick… and… I just… who. What. How. Why. WHY.

    • Stockhausen

      I also liked how absolutely nothing was synched, and they didn’t bother to keep other cameramen out of the shot at times.

      • EsusMoose

        WELL THE FAT KID WAS REALLY OFF. that’s what I said but I wanted to reiterate that

      • keelin it ruul

      • Mother Shabubu III

        You’re just mad you’re not in this guy’s kid-fucking-Jesus cult.

        EDIT: I want a pair of those shitty velvet-looking red skinny pants tho.

        EDIT EDIT: HOLY SHIT HER MIC TECHNIQUE IS HORRENDOUS. Even if this is a video.

    • EsusMoose

      I liked the fat kid flailing on the drums, it was sad and pathetic to see him off most of the time but I laughed like an asshole

      • Stockhausen

        I feel for him because he’s obviously a huge dork, but sone things just can’t not be laughed at.

        • EsusMoose

          It doesn’t help they’re electric drums or the guitarists were trying to do mountain climbers wrong

    • Maik Beninton

      I seriously can’t stop laughing at this whenever I see it

      • Stockhausen

        This is far from the last time I will use this pic. I feel bad for the poor kid, but it’s just so lol. buttz.

    • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

      Is that the fat kid from Pick Of Destiny?!?

      • Dagon

        I was the fat kid from Pick Of Destiny. I demand respect.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        I have not seen The Pick Of Destiny because fuck Jack Black

        • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

          He was excellent in ‘Benny’, the one dramatic role you’ll ever see him in.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I’m sure he was but I shan’t be finding out I’m afraid. I only give him a pass in Tropic Thunder.

    • Some local bands just don’t need music videos.

      • Stockhausen

        All*

    • old_man_doom

      Call me crazy, but I don’t mind this nearly as much as some of the other shizzle. At least it looks like they’re having fun in the video, so I really don’t care how terrible it is. Joe’s pick, however, is pure cancer.

      • Stockhausen

        Their main mistake is that they didn’t check with me first to see if they were allowed to have fun. I’m a renown, highly decorated officer in the Fun Police.

        • old_man_doom

          NO FUN CLUB 🙁

          • Stockhausen

            Oh, you can have fun. You just need to fill out the proper forms, have it notarized, and then it has to be reviewed and cleared by me. There’s usually a pretty quick turnaround of 2 or 3 months.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      The drummer looks like Debbie Gallagher from Shameless

      • Stockhausen

        Hahaha, that’s weird. And true.

  • Maik Beninton

    I see that Bullet for my Valentine is missing so here it is
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2I0ulTZWXA

    • EsusMoose

      When I was in high school I played drums in a group with my friends. We never got out of the basement/garage stage but this was one of the songs they wanted to play but I couldn’t do the foot drums so we didn’t ever try to play it. #savedbymyfeetsucking

    • Guacamole Jim

      I don’t mind Bullet every once in a while.

    • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke
      • Maik Beninton

        I can’t tell if he is trying to scare someone or is filling up his pants with poop.

        • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

          Maybe both. Imagine the response if he crawls into the audience with his jockeys filled with doo doo!

        • JWG

          Probably both.

          I think it might have been in reaction to a botched match (not on his part), but that reaction seems kind of extreme given how often I remember that guy being saddled with mediocre matches.

    • JvRv

      I cant really hate these guys (well their first two albums or so at least) because they were instrumental in getting me into heavier music. Baby steps, but still.
      Didn’t much care for “Fever” though

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      More like Wanking the Damon amirite?

      • Maik Beninton

        Huh?

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Is there any funnier genre than bad metalcore?

  • Pretty much everyone knows that I’m an unapologetic Trivium fangirl (and I give nary a fuck what any of you dorks think about that) but I really don’t like Dying In Your Arms either.

    …it’s still not the worst song here though. That would be Simon Phoenix’s submission by a fucking mile.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      I thought Simon Phoenix’s was one of the less unpleasant.

      • KJM

        Too obviously cheap and not meant to be serious. Every other video here is begging you to take them seriously.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Same, looked like just a buch of kids havin’ fun with one pedo guitarist

  • LobsterAttack

    I don’t want to think about how many brain cells I lost making it through all that. Can’t even remember which one I picked.

    Gonna enjoy the quiet now, and then stream Melechesh again.

    • Melechesh is pretty rad.

      • LobsterAttack

        Out of pure laziness I hadn’t bothered to listen to them (at all) until Enki came up for streaming. My mistake, apparently.

        • Yeah, but it’s an easy mistake to make. Modern metal in general is just so oversaturated now that it’s hard to listen to everything without getting bored and/or wanting to hang yourself from all the me too stuff. We hear about bands like Melechesh all the time but rarely have the time to give everything a chance. Sucks because Melechesh really distinguishes themselves and stand out from most of their peers.

          • LobsterAttack

            Troof.

          • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

            Thing is, I kinda wish Sphinx would be remastered. The volume is way too low on that album. And it’s a shame since it has some of my favorite songs of theirs.

          • I can’t get behind that sentiment because I feel that most albums are mix/mastered WAY too hot as it is. Usually when an album has a lower volume it’s because there are dynamic peaks that aren’t digitally clipped.

            How do you listen to most of your music? (I ask because, depending on your preferred listening device, I can probably recommend and easy solution that would make it sound louder.)

          • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

            Like most people I listen to most of my music on my smartphone.

          • Admittedly I use my smartphone a lot less than most people. Mostly just in the car and to stream something from Spotify. My previous iPhone had no trouble with volume; even for older stuff from the eighties that is mastered a lot lower in overall volume. My Galaxy S5 however seems like it has ~60% of the iPhone’s amplification. Which sucks shit and I had to buy a dedicated headphone amp for when I’m walking or whatever.

            I guess unless you’re really nerdy about music (like me) it’s kind of a chore to use stuff like ReplayGain or iTunes’ Soundcheck.

        • Lacertilian

          Make sure you try their album Emissaries

          • LobsterAttack

            Bought it today. My wallet curses me, my ears thank me and you.

  • Scrimm

    GAAAAH WTF SIMON!

    • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

      I don’t thin ANYONE vould have found that, you need to know these things.

      • VVayne Brady

        I’m actually okay with the fact that I never win this. It just seems to show I’m unaware of half the crap y’all are.

      • Scrimm

        Looking this band up brings further lulz.

  • I’M ON VACATION!

    Papa Joe gets my vote. My jaw literally dropped in disgust around the 35 second mark. I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t a joke.

  • Dagon

    Donnie Darko reminds me of my ex. I am a sad deitiy, or rather pensive.

  • Dagon

    I heard @disqus_kqxyUNPxty:disqus’s submission and realized what you mean when you talk about “unnecessary breakdowns”.

  • This is so much worse than the nu metal RoTW. Good cop/bad cop vocals make me homicidal.

    • Scrimm

      Is there ANYONE who has made those sound good. Ever?

      • VVayne Brady

        They are few and far between, and it rarely, rarely works well with the music. I don’t mind a mix of cleans and extremes if a) the singer can actually sing and b) it fits the music, but metalcore typically flubs on both counts.

        • Scrimm

          The only band I can think of that does both regularly that I like is Fear Factory, But I wouldn’t lump them in with that stuff either.

          • VVayne Brady

            I can’t think of any in metalcore, honestly. Most of the bands that do it play other styles.

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            Darksun’s been doing it on their new CD, but they’re as far from metalcore as you can get. Ditto for most of Opeth’s material, of course, or Arkona.

          • JWG

            Vocalists who handle both cleans and extremes (well) kind of need to be in their own category and only fairly compared with one another, though … especially if they’ve got lady parts.

            It wouldn’t really be fair to those who have to split the duties between two (or three) because the former will always show them up, IMHO.

            …With possible exception, as discussed, of the metalcore variety. Since they can’t do either as well.

          • Stockhausen

            I could never get into Burton’s clean singing. I dig his scream/yell though.

          • Scrimm

            I love it all. The end of Pisschrist is my favorite moment of his clean stuff

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            The end of Pisschrist is epic, that song is epic. Hell Demanufacture is epic. Faith No More wrote a song called Epic.

          • Scrimm

            All of these things are true.

        • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

          Anaal Nathrakh?

          • SWOLEBEARD

            Dis okay example because <3 AN

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            I don’t think any metalcore band has really pulled them though.

          • SWOLEBEARD

            KsE is the only one I can even think of. Howard Jones looks like Morpheus. Good enough for this beard.

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            Yeah they were fairly alright, except for the music, I never liked them. But OK vocals.

          • SWOLEBEARD

            The beard can agree with this.

          • sweetooth0

            Hell yes!

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          I’d give examples but your opening statment on your comment pretty much covers that.

      • Dagon

        This came to mind. Probably not your cup of tea, though.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YT-sCyYCZUM

        • Scrimm

          It’s not really but this band has my respect.

        • DEP can do no wrong in my book, they have not made a bad album yet.

        • MoshOff

          Full disclosure: I have a very manly mancrush on Greg Puciato.

          • Stockhausen

            You are not alone. However, my true mancrush allegiance is to Tommy Rogers.

          • Dagon

            I want to develop girthy T-Rex arms like his.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Seconded

        • Between The Buried & Smee
      • I vouch for The Fall of Ideals.

      • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

        Insomnium

        • JamesGrimm

          not live.

        • Scrimm

          Yeah but I wouldn’t say that does the whole good cop bad cop trade off shit much either, at least what I’ve heard. Most of my experience with them was their first 3 albums. If I looked at anything that used both types of vocals Edge of Sanity would probably top my list

          • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

            Thought as much. They incorporated clean vocals from Across the Dark onwards. They’re not Mikael good, but they’re not terrible either.

          • Scrimm

            I can go for bands that do that.

    • Dagon

      I second this. Way worse than the nu metal edition.

    • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

      I’d say it’s about even, though I agree with you 100000% about the vocals. Not exactly getting pumped listening to guys in their 30’s and 40’s singing in completely nasal vocals, then yelling like angry 8th graders who just got told they can’t get a ride to the mall.

    • JWG

      I’m sure Bad Cop/Worse Cop could be even more torturous though.

    • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

      You go nuts, you might get arrested. And then it’s the interrogation room with good cop/bad cop all over.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Alive or Just Breathing gets a pass for mine

    • Gluteus_Maximus_Rage

      I was scrolling down the list thinking exactly that. This list is so terrible that I don’t even know what to do with myself.

  • Dagon

    After some Sunday swole I smoked a little sweaweed. I had great food for lunch and was preparing to enjoy the rest of the trip listening to some good music. Then I heard of a really fucked up story, which killed the buzz and my good spirits. This is why I’m listening to each one these whiffs atently.

    • BASEDBEARD

      I generally have to nearly drown myself in booze and immerse myself in smoke to forget these awful things, this one particularly. So i’m sitting here alternating An Autumn for Crippled Children, dark souls, and Criminal Minds.

      • Dagon

        I have to do some reading so the cleansing won’t come so soon.

        • SWOLEBEARD

          Sad times. I’m sure you’re reading something scholarly but I’m just now getting to my Farseer Trilogy. Instantly regret not reading this sooner.

          • Dagon

            GI bleeding. Maybe some Lovecraft later if I don’t get too burned from studying. I’m getting through a compiled book with all his short stories.

          • Scrimm

            Very nice.

          • SWOLEBEARD

            We recently took a trip to the local tabletop gaming place (Wyvern’s Tale) and they had some interesting Lovecraftian board games. I’m not big on him but some of the Cthulu games are worthwhile

          • Dagon

            I love that kind of stuff, but it was extremely hard to find people enthusiastic about it and even harder robbing banks to fund this past time. Nobody produced the games in Brazil so it was all over-taxed over-priced stuff.

            I never had an RPG group that lasted more than 2 days.

          • SWOLEBEARD

            You’re always invited to a session if you can make the trek. We’re going to start either a Pathfinder group or an AD&D group this year hopefully.

          • NERD!

          • SWOLEBEARD

            I didn’t mean to gurpappoint you.

          • Gurp has only played Savage Worlds.

          • Dagon

            It will be tough, but if I manage to relocate stateside and end up near you, I’d swing by.

          • KJM

            An old friend that I used to play Call Of Cthulhu with(Adam Bolivar) had a story published in a Chaosium anthology.
            https://www.chaosium.com/steampunk-cthulhu/

          • SWOLEBEARD

            Well, that’s interesting. I’ll defer this to my buddy, the Lovecraft enthusiast.

          • KJM

            Gaming was always a great excuse to get really freakin’ high and have fun on an otherwise boring Sunday.

          • SWOLEBEARD

            Great minds think alike, KJM

          • KJM

            One of my DMs would absolutely refuse to game without beer or tobacco, and those were the days when you couldn’t buy booze on Sunday in Massachusetts. We had to either plan ahead or take a run to New Hampshire if supplies were low.

          • SWOLEBEARD

            This sounds familiar. Except add a couple things.

          • Scrimm

            Green, leafy things? I can never find people to do any kind of gaming with. There’s actually a specialty store for that stuff right across the street but…. no.

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            I used to play a lot of Warhammer, but that’s all. The kids down the shop are tio hardcore for me /my pa’s too lazy now, so I haven’t played in ages.
            Tried some Lovecraft-related game too thereabouts, but never got into it.

          • Scrimm

            I have warhammer and I really want to try the Lovecraft games but can’t get anyone into it.

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            I reckon I’d start again, if I’d find someone less HC. I got an itch, but nothing to scratch it with.

          • KJM

            He wasn’t a toker so he didn’t care about that but the rest of us sure did. Occasionally some blow would come into play but I didn’t consume unless I needed to stay awake.

          • SWOLEBEARD

            we’ll do just about anything during our sessions.

          • Lacertilian

            It still can be, although these days I tend to be hungover on Sundays with the 80s/90s movie bake-off.

      • EsusMoose

        Thanks for reminding AAFCC has their new album coming out tomorrow, probably the only thing I can look forward to this week

  • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

    Roshin got my vote, just for the sheer hilarity of watching baby-faced, whiter than rice in a snowstorm, suburbanite kids singing about being angry and shit in a complete mashup of awful styles. The perfect soundtrack for someone inviting you to a fight at the local mall food court or playground.
    Look at my avatar and you’ll see my response after listening to some of these stinkers. Aka, good job, guys, it takes a good deal of self-hatred to actually listen to these!

    • dingleberry smoke jajajajajajaja

  • Dagon

    Papa Joe wins with the Dissonant Electronicore song. From Wiki:
    “Design the Skyline is an American experimental metal band from Corpus Christi, Texas.”

    • Maik Beninton

      It’s like listening to five songs at the same time.
      That ‘song’ is a clusterfuck of whatever it is.

      • Dagon

        Take the worst aspects of each subgenre we like. Mash them together. Add colorful sprinkles, acne and swoopy haircuts and we’re red 2 go.

      • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

        The beginning to that song sounds like those cheesy nature CDs you see in bargain bins at a New Age store or the dollar store.

        • Maik Beninton

          The ending is a huge burp.

  • JvRv

    totally lost it at that Atilla song when it showed the dude drinking Monster. Those guys know their audience that’s for sure. And that BMTH song wasnt the worst thing ever, which surprised me because they are garbage.

    But Nordling’s pick gave me shrinkage. I cringed so hard my butt hole took a bite out of my chair. Cant wait for the “lol so randumb” thing to end.

    • Dagon

      That was a highlight today, for sure. The electronic elements and the voices were fucking terrible.

      • JvRv

        The Wiffage this week transcended all preconceived notions of “wiff” in proving not only its existence in the audial realm, but in the visual as well. Papa Joe’s guys, Nord’s, etc… Just how these guys present themselves stylistically is a flushable offense

    • I’m surprised at that BMtH song too. It seems like when these bands focus on what they’re actually good at, which is singing hooks, they produce something listenable.

  • ImTrashed68

    “jesus your always there for me” thats gonna be stuck in my head all day

    • Dagon

      I’m glad at least someone’s there for you.

  • Tyree

    Roshin, that has to be the shittiest piece ov shit I’ve ever heard. WOW!

  • I really want to vote for Attila again but Design The Skyline, Lie or Liar and Eskimo Callboy are worse then them if you can believe that. I see Ted wanted to include Hatebreed, I was contemplating that as well. So here’s some bonus material for total cheesedick metalcore.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pj0UnN7jW1k&spfreload=10

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Joe wins. I despise that band so much

  • Mother Shabubu III

    I remember reading an article about Trivium where Heafy pretty much said Roadrunner asked him to write a radio single. “Dying In Your Arms” was the result. Real artistic integrity right there.

    • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

      I’m upvoting simply because of your avatar! Classic In Living Color skit!

      • Mother Shabubu III

        Every time I drink a juice, I think of Juicy J the Juice Man.

        • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

          And don’t forget the Juice Weasal!

          • Mother Shabubu III

            HHHHHYYYYYYeeeaaahhhhssss

  • Already wanted to snuff myself on account of it being Sunday. I find this shit more offensive than nu-metal. Gonna need to rinse my ears with rubbing alcohol and this to go on living:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDpxMS5aR9c

  • The God Emperor of Mankind

    So. Much. Heresy

  • JWG

    Roshin’s vid: looks like young Vince Offer was in a metalcore band before he became The Sham-Wow Guy.

    Surely I’d spoil that fantasy if I looked at the date/year stamp. So I won’t…

  • Guacamole Jim

    Hey VV, what’s the opening quite from/who’s it by?

    • old_man_doom

      Lovecraft. I believe it’s from “Call of Cthulhu”

      • VVayne Brady

        Definitely Lovecraft.

    • KJM

      Full quote

      “The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of
      the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island
      of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not
      meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own
      direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing
      together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of
      reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go
      mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace
      and safety of a new dark age.”H.P. Lovecraft, “The Call of Cthulhu”

    • KJM

      BTW, are you done with Blake’s 7 yet?

  • David Vincent’s Spandex Shirt

    This was a little too morbid for me.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Too Extreme?

      • old_man_doom

        Radikult?

  • Paris Hilton

    For some reason, Christian metalcore is almost always better than its non-theological counterpart. I believe it’s the power of the Holy Spirit providing breakdowns. ALSO!!! Design The Skyline is post-ironic neon deathcore you IGNORANT PLEBS!!!!

    *Flushes boring breakdown haters out of the pit and down the toilet!!!*

  • Maik Beninton

    On another note the opening art is really cool.

  • old_man_doom

    Cry Excess, siqq anchors and brass knuckles, bruhs. You guise must be 3edgy5me.

    Also, it’s always an appropriate time for a H.P. Lovecraft quote.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    @Simon Pheonix one was bad but I it looks to me like except for the guitarist just a bunch of kids having fun. I bet in a few years time they’ll be just as embarrsassed by this as we are. @Roshin would’ve got my vote but seeing as he was quicker than me to submit that song forcing me to scramble at the last minute for a new one, I’m dirty on him. @Nordling gets my vote this week.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    I noticed the 2 with 0 votes didn’t come with a promotional video to accompany the shittiness. I’ve always thought that the visual aesthetic is very important when cringing at metalcore and this just proves it.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    the mists —are scattered—

    rockefeller mafia/media—-shot jfk—then got the rolling stones to write “sympathy for the devil”–to get the public to see that it was “you and me”–that shot him
    then they started the history channel

    all 3 at once–full vol
    http://youtu.be/AdNvNy5WIco

    http://youtu.be/GL1qSGk8oMQ

    http://youtu.be/liyiT_DGREA

  • Lacertilian

    Who won or lost, as it were?
    I can’t see the results, although @masterlordsteeldragon:disqus should have just pipped out a couple of the others here. I was expecting some more familiar bands here but saw only a couple that I even knew the name of, let alone heard any of their songs.

  • Ellipsis

    W. – Evergreen Terrace = Butchercore
    Joe – Design The Skyline = GameBoycore
    Masterlord – Cry Excess = ShitHousecore
    MoshOff – Trivium = RadioFriendlycore
    Stanley – Attack Attack! = Crabcore (‘nuff said)
    Some Douche Bag – Parkway Drive = WhyDoesn’tSheLoveMe?core
    Roshin – Lie Or Liar = NuNuMetalcore
    Bestest Finn – Eskimo Callboy (WTF???) = Lolbuttzcore
    Ted – Attila = Flushcore
    Simon – Ludicia = Jebuscore
    Esusmoose – Wovenwar = Mehcore
    IronLawnmower – Bring Me The Horizon = Tweencore

    mmm… there’re all Whiffy… MoshOff, because Trivium should know better.

    • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

      Hey now! Crystal Castles, a far superior band, had the Gameboycore tag first!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1j7ltW6I58

      • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

        Crystal Castles <3
        Why did they have to break up?

        • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

          The singer just got burned out with all the touring and festivals, from what she said. They have a thing on their FB explaining the whole thing.

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    I’m amused that this has been declared worse than past week’s nu metal delight. I have a bit of metalcore in my collection, but way more nu metal.

    I guess this is a victory for nu metal then?

  • This might just be the most whiffy whiff ov the week yet. I need to *flush* my ears out after listening to these.

  • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

    Joe and Ted win, no questions asked.
    I like a lot of bands in this genre, but those were horrible. Not Falling In Reverse levels of suck, but you’d have to be Creed to be worse than Falling In Reverse.