Whiff o’ the Week (2/15/2015)

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“Then the Unlight of Ungoliant rose up even to the roots of the trees, and Melkor sprang upon the mound; and with his black spear he smote each Tree to its core, wounded them deep, and their sap poured forth as it were their blood, and was spilled upon the ground. But Ungoliant sucked it up, and going then from Tree to Tree she set her black beak to their wounds, till they were drained; and the poison of Death that was in her went into their tissues and withered them, root, branch, and leaf; and they died. And still she thirsted, and going to the Wells of Varda she drank them dry; but Ungoliant belched forth black vapours as she drank, and swelled to a shape so vast and hideous that Melkor was afraid.”

This is how the light dies. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Last week I tasked you with determining the worst song from 2002. Celtic Frost‘s awful misadventure kicked the living crap out of everything. Congratulations to IronLawnmower.

ted

 

Next week, we’re celebrating more of our misbegotten youth. Category: Worst Metalcore Song. Bring your best Adam D. impersonation.

This week, however, we’re talking worst power metal songs. Saddle up your pillow-dragon and grab your dullest blade. Let’s get to it.


W.

Dragonforce don’t deserve all the flak they get. Yeah, they’re the posterboys for silly, over-the-top power metal, but their songs are actually pretty fun. That is, their non-ballad songs are fun. Their power ballads take all the bravado and chest-hair out of their sound and replace it with tepid flower power. They should have left this song… so far awaaaayyyyyy!!!!


God ov All

Key & Peele‘s spoof on power metal may be the worst power metal song and the best at the same time. Anyone who tries to pretend that power metal is more than an excuse to act like a total nerd is dead wrong. And there is absolutely no problem with that.


Ellipsis

Nothing says Power Metal more than a sprawling, 13 minute song that forms part of a concept album based on an external work, in this case Shakespeare’s Macbeth (*groans*), subtitled A Tragedy In Steel (*groans again, louder*), and an album cover with just the right amount of homoerotic violence (*just shakes head and sighs*).

Rebellion’s “Husbandry In Heaven” manages to jam in multiple spoken word passages, irritating, layered female vocals and plenty more Power Metal clichés in a way that’s as deadly serious as it’s silly.


MoshOff

Someone please pinch me.


Nordling Rites ov Karhu

I hate Manowar. As persons. Greedy, backstabbing slimeballs that they are. I hate them even more ’cause they used to have some good songs. This “Kingdom of Steel” off their latest not-a-cash-grab-re-recording is like all their later stuff. Bullcrap.


Ted Nü-Djent

I’ll be honest with you. When I chose this track, I just picked a random Dragonforce song. First time I heard Dragonforce, I thought “Wow cool, these guys shred.” The second time I was like “Hmm, that sounded a bit like the last song.” Third song in, and I was checking to see if I somehow turned on the repeat track button on my cd player. Seems that each track is written like “Ok guys, lets get these pesky verses and choruses out of the way so we can get to our solos.” This is a band of talented musicians; if only they spent a little less time wanking and a little more time learning how to write songs.


IronLawnmower

Try and top this. I fucking dare you, you chicken tendie lickers.


Dagon

This is one of Brasil’s worst exportation problems. Terrible.


Now it’s your turn. Which of these shining stars burned too brightly?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 15-02-2015 10:00:00
end_date 16-02-2015 01:00:00
Poll Results:
Which of these shining stars burned too brightly?

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

 

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  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Manowar has no bad riffs so that is disqualified. Ted wins because that song I’d awful.

    • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

      There are no riffs in that whiff.

      • KJM

        All whiff, no riff.

  • Man, not a lot of whiffs this week. Almost like…
    *looks around furtively*
    …we don’t listen to power metal…

    • KJM

      ^_^

    • VVayne Brady

      With how much the community rips on power metal, I really thought there’d be more action than this.

      • Väinämöinen

        I actually was supposed to send something, but my memory buttfucked me.

        • VVayne Brady

          I don’t think you’ve ever actually remembered to send one.

          • Väinämöinen

            I have once.

          • VVayne Brady

            I’ll set an alarm for you next time. Also, I miss the Tapir.

          • Väinämöinen

            I’ll have to start seeking bad metalcore songs (won’t be hard). I’m gonna change back to Tapir soon, I like it the best.

          • tertius_decimus

            Do it ASAP, because Soviet Tapirs are worstest Tapirs ever existed.

          • Soviet Tapir

            KGB is already after you.

          • tertius_decimus

            Pfft. KGB was there all the time. Not a big deal.

          • Soviet Tapir

            My KGB is different. It’s the Bestest Xtreme KGB. It’s 10000000000 times more evil.

          • tertius_decimus

            Even more evil than that green eye in the middle of the pyramid?

          • Soviet Tapir

            It’s the most evilest thing 4everz.

          • tertius_decimus

            Then there has to be some kind of EVL BLAKK METL. Soviets had patriotic music, Bestest Xtreme KGB should have its own as well. The Porcelain Throne is waiting.

          • Soviet Tapir
          • tertius_decimus
          • The Satan Ov Hell

            I love me some power electronics

          • Soviet Tapir

            I love me some Satan who loves power electronics.

        • tertius_decimus

          Same here, memory just failed to remember any power metal song which sucks. MoshOff confirmed its existence.

          • Soviet Tapir

            For me it’s easy to find power metal songs that suck, but my memory is bad.

      • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

        I think few refused to, as they bow at the altar of bad PM.

      • There’s a lot of trashy European power metal Nuclear Blast signs to sell records, but I doubt many of us listen to that.

        • VVayne Brady

          I’ve long since thought that army of German PM is what keeps Nuclear Blast afloat.

          • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

            And those “Retro Rock” bands. NB seems to sign a new one every month, so I guess they’ve got to sell.

          • VVayne Brady

            I don’t think the retro rock thing is working so well for Earache. They seem to be pumping all their money into Blackberry Smoke, but I don’t think it’s getting them anywhere.

          • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

            They don’t seem to get BS is bs and never going to go places, whereas NB’s Blue Pills or Black Star Riders or Crobot seem to have gained enough recognition. Also Earache is probably in trouble anyways, considering all the sheit they’ve pulled. Can’t be good for business.

          • VVayne Brady

            I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about them closing their doors in the next few years.

          • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

            Me neither.

          • I wonder what will happen to the rights to their catalogue if that happens.

          • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

            It’s working for AFM, aka the retirement home for 80’s bands.

          • Max

            Earache’s foray into retro rock is something I will never, ever understand.

          • VVayne Brady

            They’ve literally bent the entire label around just two bands at this point.

          • Max

            It seems that way.

            Nobody denies that extreme metal isn’t as cutting-edge as it used to be; but you’d think that if anybody could “keep their finger on the pulse” and be able to uncover whatever exciting new bands are out there, it’d be Earache. Not so, apparently.

      • EsusMoose

        I just like making fun of how serious people take it and too busy to look for something this week. I had a song but couldn’t remember the name as it was some nerds playing a poorly recorded song about fantasy stuff so it could be any group

      • Guacamole Jim

        I listen to so little power metal I wouldn’t even know enough to submit a whiff.

    • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

      Which then would be considered worse? Indifference or outright hate?

      • I’d say indifference, because then you can slink back into the shadows and no one would be the wiser.

    • JvRv

      Maybe its because Power Metal has the least Wiff potential!
      Power Metal and other “less popular” (shhh) subgenres would have a better “good band / total # of bands” ratio because the only reason you would pursue a niche style would be if you were passionate and good at it.
      But hey what do i know

  • BASEDBEARD

    God wins. K&P knock it out the park.

    • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

      Meh, I could never quite get into them. Bland and forced as hell to me, but hey they do bring a little more glory back to Chicago.

  • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

    I almost submitted this, thinking maybe I should have.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6IVA0BdbnE

    • Väinämöinen

      Oooh, this is bad too.

    • I will fucking slay you.

      • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

        “You cannot kill a god…”

        • Soviet Tapir

          Kratos begs to differ.

          • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

            Kratos was a fool, made into a demigod himself. He achieved less than he thought…

          • Soviet Tapir

            Doesn’t change the fact that he killed a god. If he won’t do it, I’ll call the KGB.
            http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/full/comics-kgb-cia-FBI-236173.jpeg

          • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

            Putin is keeping busy with Russia, he don’t care about no Rabbits.

          • Soviet Tapir

            Putin is irrelevant. He’s a puppet. Soviet Tapir is everything!

          • Lacertilian

            When will you be Putin’ him out of office?

          • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone
    • VVayne Brady

      The little interludes on this album seem to be intentionally bad. My understanding is that they’re a bit of a tongue-in-cheek commentary on the whole genre.

      • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

        Given their ridiculous masked outfits I might agree with you.
        Doesn’t help them at all though, a bad joke is horrible.

      • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

        The one interlude with the dripping water makes it sound like they recorded it in the middle of a bathroom in a filthy club. And the guy moaning like Mr. Ed with a broomstick up his ass doesn’t exactly add to the mood.

  • KJM

    Went with Key Dragon. Key & Peele were too entertaining for it to be considered a “whiff” in my book.

  • Väinämöinen

    Manowar gets my vote. If someone had chosen the horror that is Teräsbetoni, it would’ve won for me.

  • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

    None of these are really what you’d call “whiffs” more slightly mediocre, or so bad it doesn’t qualify like Key dragon, Nothing that left a particularly bad taste in my mouth.

    So I decided not to vote, like a sheep.

  • As I worship power metal – bad or good – I shan’t be voting for a whiff. I enjoyed most of them.

  • What–no Rhapsody? Pffffft.

    • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

      Or Rhapsody Of Fire, which is a treasure trove of awful.

      • “The Italian metal band RHAPSODY OF FIRE is definitely one of the most influential acts of the 90’s.” Says their official website. I, for one, definitely cannot think of any other band from the 90’s who was more definitively influential than these cool dudes.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Everyone can go home. IronLawnmower has unearthed the nadir of all power metal. I wanted to laugh but sheer disbelief canceled out any other emotion.

    • IronLawnmower

      I have an arsenal of buttfuck awfulness in my memory banks. I’m waiting for a thrash metal whiff ov the week.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Please share!

        • IronLawnmower

          That’d be spoiling. Also one of you opportunistic horsefuckers may try and steal my sweet sweet whiffage,

          Let’s just say Metal Enterprises are involved.

          • Dagon

            My CTRL+C was ready

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I just looked up Metal Enterprises… oh boy

    • tertius_decimus

      It could be another “worse is better” case.

    • Dagon

      I felt like I needed a long shower after watching that.

  • BASEDBEARD

    HAH! Atlas Moth coming to Orange Peel in support of BTBAM (who i’ve seen a million times, and meh), but you can go ahead and sign me out of work for a day or two. Gonna make a week of it maybe.

    • I really enjoyed seeing The Atlas Moth. Perpetual Generations and Holes in the Desert >>>>>>

      • BASEDBEARD

        I think this’ll be my 3rd time seeing them, O Great SMOHLG

        • Sheeeit, you know whats up

        • VVayne Brady

          Saw them open for Devin Townsend and Gojira.

  • Spear

    Funny how the worst power metal riff is still better than the best nu-metal riff. Still, shit like “Trail of Broken Hearts” is why I like to pretend Dragonforce’s first four albums never happened. *flush*

    • VVayne Brady

      Man, that song is awful. I like the rest of the album, though. Incidentally, I don’t think I’ve listened to anything after their first four albums.

      • Spear

        They got a new singer on the fifth one and magically got better at everything; the bass is audible, the songs aren’t all 200 BPM 16th notes for six minutes, the solos are more melodic, etc. http://youtu.be/vcPtxwl5s1M

        • VVayne Brady

          I shall look into this!

        • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

          Their last two sound alot more like Galneryus and Stratovarius if anything.

          • Spear

            Stratovarius on cocaine is a pretty apt description.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    dolly parton power metal
    1st vid muted—2nd vid full vol
    http://youtu.be/UbxUSsFXYo4

    http://youtu.be/VUjUIP2ugG4

  • EsusMoose

    I want to give it to lawnmower again but I’ll go through the others to make sure there aren’t other nerds who shouldn’t have been given instruments

    • IronLawnmower

      Give me it again you say?

      • EsusMoose

        Indeed

  • Dagon

    The most unexpected statement today was putting “Dragonforce” and “fun” in the same sentence without having “not” in between them somewhere.

    • VVayne Brady

      I stand by it.

    • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

      Seen them live back in ’06, and I had anything but fun at their show. They couldn’t play half of the songs right, the singer struggled, and there was none of the bells and whistles they kept raving about in interviews about their live shows (trampolines, chicks bouncing on trampolines)

  • Dagon

    Key & Peele is always a good thing to have, specially on a slow Sunday like today. Get educated, BROLOS.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyViuXFyIE4

  • I meant to submit this one because it has a riff that Judas Priest threw out and saying Fuck every other word for lyrics reeks of low IQ.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcXzqruShrY&spfreload=10

  • Dagon

    MoshOff gets my vote because the video for the song he picked reminded me of all the… ahem… movies I used to stay up to watch on Cinemax. Lines were very blurry today.

  • Scrimm

    Dagon gets my nod this week.

    • Dagon

      Thanks, Scrimm, this is the first time I’ve ever been voted in my life. And it’s been a long one, let me tell you.

      • Scrimm

        Glad to be the first, it is well deserved! Also you were always my favorite sea deity.

  • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

    HEY NOW, SHAMAN RULES!!!!! Granted, though, that song is a bit much, it’s still pretty daggum good in my book.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTyeIKEUbSA&list=PLED7E89786BF04000&index=6

  • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

    Holy shit, is that the theme from the old Dr. Who at the beginning of that Keydragon song?!?! And holy shit, is that chick’s vocals fucking awful! Sadly I voted for W., but before I got the chance to punish myself by listening to KeyDragon. That one I think is a punishment from a past life.

  • Tyree

    That Key & Peele sketch is golden.

  • JvRv

    That Keydragon song would have been good if it had some budget behind it / a better band did it. It had potential.

    That Skylark garbage was garbage though. FLUSH

  • CT-12

    This is CT-12, can’t login to Disqus at the moment, but just wanted to share this new Merciless Death track with any interested parties! Super stoked for the new album, you can buy it today by contacting them through their facebook! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDquD5cnjiI

  • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

    Good PM song, but this video is total lolbuttz. I’m wondering if the singer is trying to dress like a Backstreet Boy or a whirling dervish. Or maybe one of those guys who sells scented oils out on the street corner. And the keyboardist is all riffing out at the beginning, where there’s zero keyboards to be heard. Maybe he forgot to plug it in?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22DcXJ4k6kU

    • CyberneticOrganism

      This never gets old. Ever.

  • I just started reading the Silmarillion and read that part last night! Between that chapter and ‘Of The Flight of the Noldor,’ shit got real.

    • VVayne Brady

      Nice! It’s been about 10 years since I last read it, but I really enjoyed some of the stories.

      • Yeah, really digging it. There are a few sections where entire sentences are made entirely of just names and I tend to space those out.

        • VVayne Brady

          Tolkien gets kinda Old Testament-y at points with the genealogies.

  • Max

    If we’re gonna talk about the less edifying side of power metal, instead of pointing the finger at any one band, I’ll always prefer to just point it at this guy:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gi3qC_zQ4Po

    I really hate this guy.

    • Soviet Tapir

      Hot damn, I remember seeing this video! I’ll join you with the hate.

  • JWG

    I wanted to participate in the Whiff this week, but when I went to YouTube armed with what little knowledge of bands I had in the past heard called Power Metal and potentially associated with the Whiff, I found I wasted more time listening to things I liked.

    Plus, I know more than one other person would pick Dragonforce.

  • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

    I dug through my memory banks for some god awful power/folk metal and remembered this Colossus of flush. And they have 11 albums worth of this shit. Watch and suffer horribly! Maximum lolbuttz at the 3:00 mark and where they chose to hang out, you know, to accent the mood of darkness and dragons.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kTYZ1-AyKo#t=11

    • VVayne Brady

      11 albums?!?!

      • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

        Yep!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      KEY DRAGON

      When One Bad Video Isn’t Enough!

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    That Key Dragon… I have no words.

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Off topic but I’m going to be taking some time off from here. I need to take care of some personal issues. I don’t know how long it will take but I guarantee I’ll be back soon.

    • VVayne Brady

      Take care of yourself.

    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      Good luck JJD.

      • VVayne Brady

        Virg, how was your weekend?

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          Boring, you?

          • VVayne Brady

            Can’t complain. Looking forward to our content this week.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Well I hope yesterday was fun for you guys.

          • VVayne Brady

            It was, though decidedly unmetal.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            What can possibly be more metal than doing what you need to do?

          • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone
    • Ellipsis

      All the best.

  • Ellipsis

    W. – Dragonforce = Cheese, with cheese on top
    God – Key & Peele = Better than most Power Metal, because they’re in on the joke
    Me = Rebellion = If you listened to the whole thing, well done
    MoshOff – Skylark = Porn… surely this is porn…
    Bear – Manowar = You are getting sleepy…
    Nuge – Dragonforce (Please, once is enough) = Cheese, with melted cheese on top
    IronLawnmower – Key Dragon = WTF
    Dagon – Shaman = lol

    MoshOff gets my vote, for delivering the lolbuttz combination of softcore erotica and a minute long guitar solo

  • Stanley

    MoshOff or Lawnmower? I think I’m going to have to go with gardener.

  • Ellipsis

    I made the mistake of click through to a Skylark live video…

    The bassist thinks he’s in a far heavier band, the singer apparently can’t afford buttons and the keyboardist is just straight up fucking hilarious.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udtyUfZDsi8

    • JvRv

      auuuuugggggGGHHHHHHH

      I understand making a music video for your horrible band on your own dime and putting it on youtube etc, but subjecting real humans to this in a live setting?

      The worst part is the audience seems to be enjoying it.

      I need to be cleansed

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVi0d7oqDvs

  • Oh, I forgot to say that picture of Ungoliant and Melkor is badass.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Agreed. An unfairly cool way to open an article full of shit.

      • Should have saved it for Tolkien metal part two.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I feel that this week o’ whiffs is to me what the nu metal riff o’ the week was to Masterpants.

    • Lacertilian

      I didn’t know the Dip was big on the dragon slaying?

      • Guacamole Jim

        No, I meant that I really dislike power metal. Thankfully it was in Whiff, not Riff, of the week.

        • Soviet Tapir

          You really dislike power metal? I really dislike power metal! I luv u bae!

          • Guacamole Jim

            <3 4 evar!!

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    power metal–as fake music—to be “dissed” by political correctness

    controlled by disney
    who loves hitler

    all 3 at once–
    1st vid–1/5vol
    2ndvid–muted
    3rd vid –full vol
    –http://youtu.be/3WbpVauebE8

    http://youtu.be/f__SF96ORFE

    http://youtu.be/eb3nqhz5VOU

  • BASEDBEARD

    This is how it’s obvious none of you f@gg07s even praise the sun