Whiff o’ the Week

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Greetings, flushkateers. I hope you’re having a great weekend, because I’m here to lolbuttz all over it. It’s time once again for us to take rapture in the worst the metal world has to offer in a veritable celebration of guilt. So grab your clothes-pins and your can of Oust, because I’m about to void metal’s bowels all over your Sunday.

W.

Children of Bodom have worn out their welcome here at the Crawford ranch. Alexi Laiho’s continued attempts to prove how great a guitarist he is have driven this band into the ground, and his weak publicity stunts surrounding the Blooddrunk release irked me mightily. To remind you of how bad CoB have gotten, I’m nominating the riff that starts at 0:50 in “Ugly” from Relentless, Reckless Forever as my whiff o’ the week. I don’t think the guitar work could sound lazier if he tried.


 Papa Joe Thrasknkill

You can only get tone like this by converting it to midi and pumping it through the monitors at a budget Karaoke bar. The main riff should be used to sell used Ford trucks at an EXTREME used car lot.


 The Masterlord

Dear legendary bands, don’t rip off another band’s chorus; you’re better than that. If it turns out that you’re actually not better than that, at least don’t rip off a chorus from a brand new, mega-hyped band. If you have to rip off a chorus from a brand new, mega-hyped band, at least don’t leave out the one part that made it a killer chorus in the first place (here being the speed-harpsichord). This shameful act of plagiarism starts at 1:14. Check out the original chorus here. Iron fucking whiff.


Occam’s Razor Ramon

I’m a pretty big fan of Machine Head’s The Blackening, but the chorus riff to Aesthetics of Hate drives me crazy. Those sliding power chords just sound awful and don’t fit the song at all. It really doesn’t sound all that different from an exploding whale, but at least the exploding whale has the fact that it’s exploding going for it. Starts at 0:51.


 Stockhausen

You hear that cheesy/angsty riff at the beginning and immediately think “Oh thank goodness it’s not 2001 and bands like this aren’t around anymore.” But then you realize that Approaching Dawn released this album last year, and your hope for the future of metal takes a hit. The song name “Death Contest” is a good indication of how super totally edgy these guys are, and the extension cord noose that the singer wears at shows really seals the deal (not making that up). WHIFF!


Jack Bauer

This is actually probably worse than the new Dope song.


Johnny Crunch

Voted worst song of all time and I can’t disagree with that.


Janitor Jim

I thought that these guys were the shit back in the day. Now, this sounds like Five Finger Death Punch and Emmure having rough sex and I’m glad I never saw my copy again after I loaned it to someone.


 Cybernetic Organism

Sweet Fancy Moses.


Christian Molenaar

Buckle in, lifelovers. This week’s megaflush: EVERY ONE OF YOU! I was fed many disappointments this week (Kirsten Gillibrand gave us one more reason to hate US senators, the Fantastic Four and Doctor Strange movies are apparently still going to happen, Jack Bauer still thinks Archspire are good) but by far the biggest disappoint is YOU, and not for the reasons your mom always says. You see, this week I rediscovered my love for Iceland’s Sororicide‘s sole release (worth listening to), The Entity. While this album can occasionally be found for thousands of dollars on Ebay, it seems as though it’s spoken of disproportionately little between metal fans. I’m here to tell you: this album is totally unflushable. Yeah, the production is terrible, the drums can be so-so and the solos…what. But take a listen to this song. Every riff is exactly what I want in a metal song. You can take your “caverncore” and flush it, because 23 years ago these Icelandic bros set the standard for dark, grimy, eerie death metal with just a hint of proggy time signatures. TALK ABOUT THIS BAND.


 

Did you actually like something in this list? Can’t wait to tell us how our ears are broken? Then be sure to submit something for the next Whiff o’ the Week.

(Photo http://gizmodo.com/5912113/12-ways-to-rid-your-house-of-bad-smells)

 

 

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