Whiff o’ the Week 1/25/2015
“Down from the Egypt, eye of the sun, in front of the Sinai, away from their skies like a sea inside out, their stars and planets spearing your soul, their cities like insects, all shell and mechanism, their blindness with eyes, their vertiginous plains and mind-crushing mountains. Down from the billions who had made the world in their own image. Their signature could be a thing of beauty. But it was a thing of death.”
The grand symbiosis. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Alright, folks. Last week you appropriately and collectively lampooned Fred Durst for mangling a stone cold classic. I’m proud of you.
Next week’s category: Worst collaboration.
This week, however, we’re talking about bad solos. Get to it.
Look, I used to like Static-X, and although it’s been years since I listened to them, I could probably still jam Wisconsin Death Trip if it was playing somewhere. Cult of Static, on the other hand, is a colossal turd that served merely to demonstrate how obsessed Wayne Static was with his pornstar wife. The songs are bland and boring. The leads are weak. Especially in this song. Normally, that would be a flush in and of itself. However, that solo at 1:52 was actually recorded by Megadave himself. Megaflush.
Iron Maiden excels at several things, and soloing is of course one of them. There is only one song by them with such a terrible solo, and that is “Can I Play With Madness” (2:46). It’s so short, they might as well have skipped it; but they didn’t. It starts out ALL RIGHT but then they got this bright idea to have a dueling guitar solo. They’re building to something (right?)… nope. After one short battle it ends with a whimper. So it’s bad, but it’s made even worse when surrounded by an entire catalog that contains some of the best guitar solos in history.
Tom Morello is a divisive guitarist and his solo in Audioslave’s “Show Me To How To Live” is not helping his case. At 2:47, Morello goes all minimalistic, delivering a 20 second solo that consists of effects pedals and picking of the open high E string. That’s it. Tom makes good use of his free left hand in this live clip though, throwing a peace sign while looking all serious.
The whole Breaking the Chains album is pretty much a stinker, but, title song “Breaking the Chains” is downright killer! However great, the solo totes sucks. Listen to it here. Boring right? How does GL have tasty licks for daayyyysss and only pull together a turd like that? Fear not friends – in 1988 Dokken released a live album (Beast from the East) and the live version kills the studio version.
Akercocke of Steele
Starting at 0:51, I don’t know if, ya know, this being FEAR and all, this solo was just a giant joke. But yeah, it sounds like whoever was on that solo was feeling very ornery the day they recorded that and was all like “Fuck you guys, fuck this band! Here, ya wanna fuckin solo (does the solo half-assed)? Then here’s yer fuckin’ solo! Fack!
I like this song a lot, I like World Painted Blood a lot (production issues aside), and I particularly like the riff leading into the solo a lot. The solo from 2:57 until 3:17 however, I do not like. From 3:17 though the solo is good, because that’s the solo Hanneman played, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna speak ill of that man.
Listen to this until a minute and a half in. Prepare to rock out to the most clitoris engorging solo ever put onto tape. It will change your life with its beauty and technical complexity. The rest of the song is pretty great too.*
*by the standards of thalindomine baby free jazz.
There’s a solo in there, somewhere.
I wouldn’t call it the worst, but the random blues licks in this song always seemed super out of place. This is some local band shit.
365 Days of Horror
This guy had the temerity to say he “can play the guitar like a motherfucking riot,” and then proceeds to make his guitar sound like it dropped down a flight of stairs.
There is nothing worse than this.
I must submit this.
Battle Born NDN
Pantera thought it was a good idea to include a Kerry King solo on the track “Goddamn Electric.” Due to time restrictions, King was never able to go into a studio and record. So they decided to record in a bathroom when Slayer was playing a show in Texas. Upon hearing this solo I can’t help but grind my fuckin’ teeth, which would probably make a better solo than this one. I can say a lot more mean things, but I’m not going to. The cringing begins at 4:11.
Solo is at 1:34. Watch the rest for extra lolbuttz. [W. – I think Leif may have submitted this in the early days. It’s so bad, though, that I’ll allow it to grace the toilet a second time.]
Ya’ll know how much I like Burzum, but even I can’t defend this solo. This song isn’t Varg’s best moment anyway, and it is made worse by the hideous solo at 2:02. This is actually a guest solo played by Euronymous, and my fuck does it suck ass. Was it this horrific solo that finally drove Varg over the edge?
Alright, now that you’ve seen the lolbuttz, let us know. Which of these solos is the silliest?
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.