Whiff o’ the Week (12/21/14)

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“Do you know what punishments I’ve endured for my crimes, my sins? None. I am proof of the absurdity of men’s most treasured abstractions. A just universe wouldn’t tolerate my existence.”

Decay lingers even in the greatest of acts. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Last week we saw a surprisingly rancid cornucopia of awful songs. Who would have guessed that such a rich year for metal would have been so terrible. However, Leif Bearikson‘s turd rose to the top of the sewage heap as the smelliest and filthiest. Congratulations, Lie or Liar! You’re our biggest flush of 2014!

leif

Next week, it’s just a standard competition. Bring a gross whiff to round out the year.

Today, however, we’re talking about the slight missteps on our year-end lists. Which song is a whiff from an otherwise great album from your top ten of 2014?


W.

I really, really enjoyed Allegaeon‘s Elements of the Infinite. It was chock-full of amazing songs. “1.618,” “The Phylogenesis Stretch,” and “Genocide for Praise” were all catchy, distinct, and fun songs. Unfortunately, amid so much greatness one track stood out as being a bit uninteresting by comparison. “Dyson Sphere” isn’t a bad song by any means, but it ends up feeling like filler on an otherwise stellar album.


Brock Samson

I absolutely loved the new Triptykon album. It made number 3 on my year end list, but there was always something that crawled under my skin in a very bad way about it. It’s the opening riff (can you even consider that a riff?) of the song “Altar of Deceit.” It just sounds lazy and fucking horrendous.


George Lynch

“Everything’s Gone” is not a bad track; in fact a happen to like it A LOT. Although great, a total life-force sucking void of a riff is present. The riff starts at0:00 and runs until 0:02. The riff sounds like a repeating two finger pull-off with a descending palm muting the played strings. If you listen closely you hear that the riff has 8 sets of two pull-offs (three notes per set, including the open string). What is so awful about this riff? Well firstly (FIRSTLY! <3), the last set is nearly impossible to hear because the rest of the song comes rushing in. Secondly, the tone and volume of the riff is way-the-fuck off from when the main riff comes in. Thirdly, why waste 2 seconds of our lives on something that doesn’t even develop a proper mood for what is about to come? If they would have made the riff twice as long and did a pick slide for the last 4 sets then they would have had something worthwhile. Or, just start the flipping song without everything I just described! FLUSH.


Jöhnny Crünch ™

This one starts out with some promise but about 30 seconds in it starts to lose me. I don’t HATE this song but when I’m listening to OM’rTS I find that it does bore me a bit and doesn’t fit in with the rest of the album.


Nordling Rites ov Karhu

As a contrast to the year’s best single song, Primitive & Deadly is not all that good. Thoroughly Primitive, but especially one song is Deadly, deadly boring that is. “Even Hell Has Its Heroes.” Even Mark Lanegan could not save this and that stands as a monument to it’s utter failure. It’s actually fascinating to hear two songs, crafted with the same mold and formula, back to back, one perfectly succesful and one horribly unsuccesful.


Janitor Jim

I may be among the only ones who likes Siren Charms here but not all the songs are perfect. I dislike this song most on the album as it doesn’t stand out, and it’s generic sounding.


David

Allegaeon‘s Elements of the Infinite just absolutely goddamn refuses to end, but that’s only a problem if you don’t like guitar wank.


Well, time now to vote. What was the biggest let-down from these great albums?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 21-12-2014 10:00:00
end_date 22-12-2014 01:00:00
Poll Results:
What was the biggest let-down from these great albums?

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

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  • MoshOff

    I didn’t dislike any song from my top 10 enough to warrant it being here. I guess I picked right!

  • Gurrp

    New In Flames made it to Whiff o’ the Year twice. What a surprise.

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      Meaning it also landed on the top o’the year at least one (spoiler: twice!)

  • Metaphysical Anus

    Voting for Karhu. That song was disappointing. On unrelated note, I shall be celebrating birthday of the late Zappa by listening to a lot of his music.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LszJ9sM3bbk

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      How do you find his orchestral attempts?

      • Metaphysical Anus

        Enjoyable. His 70s stuff is the best in my opinion.

        • KJM

          “One Size Fits All” is his best.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I agree. Solo of Inca Roads was recorded near Finland, in Helsinki.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            The Helsinki live album is pretty neat too

          • Metaphysical Anus

            The Satumaa cover is priceless!

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            One of the single most hilarious moments in the history of recorded music.

    • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

      this still looks exactly like lionel ritchie.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      Great call! I support this!

      • Metaphysical Anus

        Thank you, random citizen!

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          Thank you, thought provoking anus!

  • To combat the shit filled stench of these riffs, I’d like to honor David Gold of Woods of Ypres who died on this day 3 years ago. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W53ohvNltlk&index=1&list=PLBbQvn4j5ypucQPho9mpm-17sNdUAD7IH

    • VVorld Peace

      RIP, Gold.

      • BLVKKBEVRD OV DVWKINS

        RIP David Gold.

        Everyone listen to Thrawsunblat, who i’m trying to get for an interview for us scrubs here.

        • J.R.

          Thrawsunblat is so my jam if you get them to talk to us toilet folks you will be my bestest friend of all time!

        • Thrawsunblat is excellent. I listened to all their stuff multiple times. I wish I could have talked about them in my upcoming Woods of Ypres article but I had to cut it so it wouldn’t be so horrifically long. My unedited original article is about 15 pages long.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            That, indeed, might be a little tl;dr haha.

      • Yep, magnificent singer!

    • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

      Can’t believe it’s been 3 years already. RIP.

    • Gurrp

      Nothing Gold can stay.

    • Jöhnny Crünch ™

      Vehicular suicide is not real suicide

    • Howard Dean

      I’m going to be the Void-embracer and say that I don’t really like Woods of Ypres. Woods 5 had a few decent moments, but for the most part, their stuff is stuff about which I would say “this stuff is meh.”

      • Get out.

        • Howard Dean

          Honestly, and this will sound harsh, but Woods of Ypres is a band that has benefited significantly from the loss of their bandleader. Before David Gold died, you didn’t hear anything about WoY. WoY were like the perennial redheaded stepchildren of the “nature and emotions” black/doom scene. They were seldom recommended, people rarely talked about them (and when they did talk about them, they were nearly always derided), and their music was lambasted as corny and boring.

          • This is true. I’m the proverbial hipster who listened to Woods of Ypres before they were cool (I.E. before Gold died). Something about their music connects with me. Though a great deal of their music isn’t completely unique- it definitely isn’t technical- I’ve never heard another band that sounds like that or evokes that particular set of emotions out of me. For me, I’ve loved Woods of Ypres since I first listened to them and they are my favorite band (making my opinion biased). Ultimately music is subjective and up to the person listening to make a choice on whether it is good or not. If you enjoy enjoy WoY, I’m just fine with that. It doesn’t affect my enjoyment of them. Contrasting opinions are needed to show the flaws. I’ll readily agree that some of their music is a little corny and a couple songs have awful titles (I.E. Your Ontario Town Is Just a Burial Ground) despite being good songs. There are definitely songs that aren’t as good as some of the others. I love them because of the lyrics, Gold’s great clean vocals, the atmosphere that I can sense when listening to them, and the emotion that stirs up in my lifeloving heart while blasting “Finality”.

          • Howard Dean

            Well said. I can appreciate that.

  • Gurrp

    I’d like to nominate this inoffensively generic black/death metal record for whiff, because some people have been saying it’s the better of records named ‘Sun Eater’ this year. Even though I like this kind of stuff. Fuck you.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hwlir9wUW_o

    • I don’t get the love for Lvcifyre. I was bored shitless during my listen.

      • Gurrp

        Me neither. It’s just war metal, plain as day.

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      This isn’t that great, neither is the other.

      • Gurrp

        NO, FUCK YOU

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          All the time

          • Gurrp

            Pshaaaawwwwwww

    • Metaphysical Anus

      Neither is great, but I’d rather listen to this.

      • Gurrp

        YOU’RE AN ANUS.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          And proud of it. As proud as Jim is proud of being a scrub.

          • KJM

            At least he’s not a Randian Objectivist, I hope.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Or a militant atheist like Blackbeard.

          • KJM

            The militant part is more likely to bother me than the atheist part. The only reason I consider myself agnostic is because I have to acknowledge the possibility that I might be wrong.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            He (Blackbeard) is probably at r/atheism now. Praising Dawkins.

          • KJM

            Dawkins! Ewwwww!

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV DVWKINS

            Wait wait, I’m here! Are we burning down churches or wut

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Already ahead of you mate.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            fvkkkk, I always miss the good burnings

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I love the smell of burning churches.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            Smells like progress.

        • VVorld Peace

          Classic Space Ghost Gurrrp

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Actually kinda like this, but it is a bit generic

      • Gurrp

        My thoughts exactly.

  • I didn’t expect much from most of these albums to being with so I couldn’t really be disappointed. I had to go with Triptykon because wow the only way they could have been lazier would be to just slap on some breakdowns.

  • KJM

    I’ll just say “Go Team Venture” and vote with Brock. It’s a track I don’t care for from that disc and the other choices really don’t mean much to me.

  • Simon PhoenixKing

    I’m going with Lynch cause fuck me that is a godawful song from a godawful album.

    The only song I could have possibly submitted was “Pavor Nocturnus” by Horrendous. It’s the only song on the new album that I occasionally skip because it kinda meanders and the songwriting isn’t as tight. Which is a shame because it’s one of the only two songs on the record that go over five minutes. Thing is, the song is nowhere near bad enough to be a whiff. Plus there’s no YouTube video for it.

  • May I introduce some technical death metal that went under everyone’s radar?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=To5PWGqnW1Q

  • Spear

    If anything on that Allegaeon record deserves top be flushed, it’s the chorus in Phylogenesis Stretch. Boring-ass riff in the middle of an otherwise great song. Mike Stancel’s solo on Dyson Sphere was one of the best I heard from any band thisyear and I love the central theme in Genocide for Praise. But I guess that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

    • W.’s Sentient Phone

      W. loved Genocide for Praise.

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    I wrote in my vote–> “Purple Light” is the last song off of A Pregnant Light’s new album ‘My Game Doesn’t Have a Name.’ It’s the only song on the album I don’t really listen to and usually skip. Every other song on the album is fantastic and unflushable IMO, but this final track is just a repetitive riff over spoken word. The most annoying thing about is that even though it’s spoken word, the words are barely understandable due to the way Damian Master mumbles the entire song. The lyrics don’t make a whole lot of sense anyway if you actually read them. Kind of a stream-of-consciousness rambling of apocalyptic imagery that reads like a rejected chapter of the Book of Revelations.

    http://colloquialsoundrecordings.bandcamp.com/track/purple-light

  • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

    I honestly just could not get into the latest Triptykon release. It was just lacking something for me

    • Jöhnny Crünch ™

      Good songs maybe?

      • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

        ouch , burn unit asap

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I thought most of these were pretty sexy except the In Flames. Boo weedy cleans, boo!!!!

  • KJM
    • KJM

      Ah, that’s how you do it…

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    For the award “Live Lolbuttz Ov The Year” I would like to nominate the purple-haired vocalist from that one band (I don’t remember their name) who played in the living room last night at Gatsby’s Mansion. W, Stockhausen, David, and Leif Bearikson know who I’m talking about. Dudes, wtf was that? It was almost as hilarious as it was ear-rapingly annoying. Almost.

    • W.’s Sentient Phone

      W. was equally intrigued and perplexed. Twas a comical site.

  • BLVKKBEVRD OV DVWKINS

    I’ll give my irreligious vote to JJD, so he can win one and we can vote for In Flames for a change.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    The problem with this is, none of these are truly atrocious.

  • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

    As I’ve been steadily going thru and checking out albums from everyone’s lists that I haven’t managed to hear / given time to, I’ve found quite a number of keepers and a couple losers too (Ne Obliviscaris’ Citadel just strikes me as a better Fleshgod Apocalypse).

    This here is a atmospheric/folk BM album I regret missing and havent seen anyone talking about extensively: (was this one of the 500+ comment submissions for our top 10?)

    http://youtu.be/lb-0HWnUh7w

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      This made some community lists, ’twas a glorious album

      • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

        Yeah man, I rly dig it.

    • Further Down the Metal Hole

      It made my top 10, being Scottish an’ all. While listening to this, your trousers (or pants for y’all ‘mericans) will shrivel up into a kilt and remove your underwear in the process.

    • this is a good song that interests me. thank you pirate person.

  • Metaphysical Anus

    I finally decided to buy Ulver’s Troslk Sortmetall box (I don’t have their black metal albums), hopefully I get it next week. If Itella fucks up like they did two years ago (my package got lost for two months) my testicles will shrivel up and post offices will explode.

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      How has Itella not already earned your wrath?

      • Metaphysical Anus

        I have given them a lot of negative responses. Itella is my number 1 enemy.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          So… Being your enemy isn’t apparently that bad, I mean things aren’t going that bad for Itella.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            If Itella was one small person, things would be a lot worse.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    One of next years finer DM albums

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imUUv64TWIY

    • Metaphysical Anus

      Lol Sotajumala sucks. Negura Bunget will release an album next year, which is great.

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        Negura Bunget will propably be great

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Om is their best so far. That fucking album.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I would have to agree, although Maiestrit was great as well

    • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

      I find it harder and harder to get excited about DM albums these days. Maybe its just me getting older.

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        Actually I, as well, am not excited by many basic DM albums/bands. It’s more of a cleansing moment, as if to let all the filth pour out. You might almost say that DM is a way for me to rest my ears.

        • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

          That, and this guy has a laughable ridiculous beard. If you can call it that.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I didn’t even notice that silly little thing. I’ll forgive him though for all the good albums he has sold me.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        I’ve gotten bored of DM a while ago.

      • you don’t want to fill the position of 50 y/o guy at the death metal show in a denim vest with Iced Earth patches?

  • Hubert, Goat ov Doom and Void

    Ha! My list is perfect, no bad songs there. None at all. NONE AT ALL.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    Here’s another good whiff. I’m not a fan of this song by Kansas. I love the band but I think this song is not Kansas in my opinion. Shame on you Steve Morse and Steve Walsh for writing this song.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WBTT2ieEkg

    • Metaphysical Anus

      Kansas sucks mate.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        No they don’t. They’re good American prog.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Good American prog is an oxymoron.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            You lie. Spock’s Beard is American. They’re good prog.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Spock’s Beard is not good.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Why do I argue with you? You hate all the bands I like except for Blut Aus Nord and you hate Blue Oyster Cult.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Lol you don’t like Zappa?

          • KJM

            At least you like ‘Frances The Mute’, great album and even better tour.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            It’s a good album, but I can’t listen to it too much. I slightly prefer At The Drive-In.

          • KJM

            Have you heard Antemasque yet? It’s Cedric and Omar’s latest project, much more like ATDI than TMV.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I haven’t yet, but it seems like I have a new band to check out, m8.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            This is strange to me, but cool.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Yes I do. I’m not his biggest fan but I do like him.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Not a big Zappa fan, that’s a paddlin’

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            Zappa is a classic overplayer, cluttered arrangements, a bunch of twaddle if you ask me. The only song i like of his is valley girl.

          • KJM

            Check out “One Size Fits All”.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Yeah, but your taste in music is one of the worst I’ve seen.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            coming from you that’s a compliment. We are 2 elitists , 2 sides of the same coin, forever at war.The only thing we have in common is that we both have more passion for music that we hate than music that we like.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            That and death is a huge huge scrub.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Yeah, Death can be a scrub sometimes. I’m glad that I’m not him.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            8===========D~~~~

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I would prefer you to not call me Death again, as this is my original form.

          • KJM

            DINSDALE!!!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I’ll nail your head to the floor.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            YOU CAN’T FOOL ME
            YOU CAN’T FOOL ME
            YOU CAN’T FOOL ME

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Waht du u miin?

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            I know who and what you arrrrr.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Yeah, but Metaphysical Anus is my original form. I was before Death. Ask Edward if you don’t belive me.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            Whenever you do a “@” I can see that your original form is a pontificate asshole. It should show you my original, as well.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            It is said that one day I will devour everything.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            I’m familiar with how hard you chug it. <3

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Waht?
            U sukk
            Go die

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            Daw, maybe i’ll listen to some ATDI now. Do you have your horn-rimmed glasses?

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I don’t wear glasses.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I have a better beard and sideburns, thank you very much!

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            i’ll work on it later

          • never forget the original MA avatar!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I don’t actually remember the original one. The baby thing wasn’t the original, there was one before it.

          • ah, i’m thinking of the baby one! i did a google reverse image search on that one years ago, not a single result.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            The baby came when I moved here from FFB.

          • AKA best day of my life!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Aw, shucks

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I think you’re the more close-minded one of us, as I have never seen you liking things outside metal or hard rock.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            You don’t like anything but your corgis. You’re more closed off than any of us!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Yo dude, just because I don’t like something you do doesn’t mean that I don’t like anything. You can clearly see that I love Zappa. I have mentioned bands I like a lot. Also, I had a top ten list this year and I loved every record on that one. But I do love my dogs. For me it’s: my dogs > music.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I like some Zappa albums. I also like some of the albums you picked from your list. My priority is music which has been there with me for my entire life. You have different priorities than I do I guess. I love a lot of classic rock which it appears you do not like. We still have our prog at least.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            Hey now, that’s my closet skeleton!

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            Well i know you like nothing in the realm of hard rock, 80’s stuff or thrash or most death metal. Also i have never heard you say anything good about the NWOBHM bands like saxon. Thats a huge chunk of music to dismiss as well.
            I do like progressive such as rush, emerson, lake and palmer and kansas.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Swans realeased excellent albums in the 80s. NWOBHM isn’t anything special to me. When it comes to metal, I like black metal (in fact I love black metal), grindcore and avant-garde metal the best. I mainly listen to music outside of metal.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            we are night and day except for black metal. I like old school stuff though not this cobalt and deafheaven shit. Won’t be in the scene long. Blake judd and these other bands are giving north american black metal a bad name. In fact’ i think the argument could be made that america has never produced a really quality black metal act.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            I find this ridiculous.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            i have been getting this a lot today.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I still like Deafheaven. In my opinion the best black metal comes from Europe.

          • shots fired

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            I saw a zappa video, there was like 30 guys and a big xylophone solo which turned my stomach. But steve vai played with him so i thought he can’t be that bad, but he was, he was grossly sickenly unlistenable.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I am truly baffled by this opinion.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            i don’t like horns in metal unless dan swano has something to do with but i draw the line at shit with xylophones.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Marimbas and xylophones are the best. You insult me as a owner of a marimba. One of the things I like about Zappa is the fact that he used a lot of marimbas.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            How could i insult you before the fact ? I didn’t know you had one and i don’t know what it is !

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Marimba is an instrument similiar to a xylophone. Ruth Underwood plays marimba on one of the best Zappa songs Inca Roads.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            M anus has to watch out or we will run him over with the tarkus. Keith lent it to me for the holidays.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Dude blames Zappa for overplaying and likes Emerson.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            emerson was a showman, a lead guitarist in the guise of a keyboardist. Standing 12 feet in the air playing his keyboard like a master watchmaker, a sight to behold. They didn’t sell out stadiums for no reason. I think zappa had to move the pool tables to get his band into the bar. The xylophonist had to squeeze into the bathroom micing the intermitent flushing of the toilet. mixing it into the din of noise masquerading as music.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Zappa was a musical genius, able to write almost everything. One musician didn’t want to play his parts because he claimed that Zappa had written something that’s impossible to play. Zappa proved him wrong by playing it himself. Zappa wrote songs where other instruments than his got attention. Emerson was a classically trained hack who wanked on his keyboard. Zappa composed music for the band, Emerson for himself.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            how come no one liked zappa but a handful of people then ? He was making music for himself. Emerson was making music for the people, expanding their vision so they could see the distant vistas of sound.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            There were tons of people that liked Zappa’s music even back then. He just wasn’t as popular. Popularity =/= good. Emerson and his band was forgotten in the late 70s after punk came. Zappa continued to release good albums.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            he had a niche audience which was very small, one of the first bands for hipsters before hipsters had a name. I guess they were called beatniks. Just because your music is cluttered and technical doesn’t make it good, he is very much like a proto-djenter in that respect. All brains , no heart.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Zappa’s fans probably weren’t beatniks, as he hated them and mocked them. You talk about not having heart, but you still like Emerson. Not every song Zappa composed was complex. He composed a lot of simple songs and songs that combined bith elements.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            I am just bugging you now, i am have a very small interest in emerson except for some soundtrack work and a handfull of songs. I find most of their stuff to be pompous, boring twaddle. I have tried to get into zappa and just could’nt get into it.

    • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

      I actually liked this song when it came out, hang me from the rafters. I don’t like it now though, but at the time i would buy ANYTHING steve morse played on. I say the live album 2 for the road is all the kansas a person needs.

      • KJM

        Saw him opening for Rush in 1985.

        • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

          that was the tour that cancelled for me, oh the heartache.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        I loved that live album. The only live albums I love more than that are Thirty Seconds Over Winterland by Jefferson Airplane and Strangers In The Night by UFO.

    • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

      i loved this song in 82 and i still love it. Heavy but accessible, i can identify with the lyrics. It’s just a perfect tune. I wish it would go on forever, i often play it twice in a row.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RuJv9i0BWA

  • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

    Girlfriend renews your gym membership as a xmas present. Innuendos much? lolbuttz

    • Metaphysical Anus

      Did she renew you r/atheism membership?

      • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

        n1

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Yeah m8

          • KJM

            He has a girlfriend which puts him several orders of magnitude higher than your average Redditor.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            It may just be his right hand.

          • KJM

            I’ll take him at his word until I have reason to believe otherwise.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Plot twist: KJM is Blackbeard’s girlfriend.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            I’d be honored

          • KJM

            Oh you kid.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            *waves fan daintily in front of face
            *flutters eyelashes

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Mrs. Blackbeard, you’re trying to seduce him.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            what do you mean trying

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Can I hear the wedding bells?

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            You can’t. We have a stoner metal band playing the reception

          • KJM

            I spent the dowry hiring Occultation and Saturnalia Temple to play.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            I’m sorry my dowry was that of a poor farm girl, KJ 🙁

          • KJM

            They never did like Mama’s homemade dress, and papa’s banquet wasn’t big enough…

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            Fuckin’ cityslickers.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I’d hire Jefferson Starship to do it before one of them dies.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Is there an all-you-can-eat meth bar?

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            That and a codeine fountain.

          • KJM

            I am?!

          • Guacamole Jim

            Palmela Handerson?

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Da da da da

    • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

      i heard of someone getting a scale for their birthday , and it was from her brother.

      • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

        I was really just kidding, our recent move means I cant visit my old gym anymore

  • Jöhnny Crünch ™

    I didn’t really care for Triptykon and I think that Tom Warrior is overrated as hell. There, I said it

    • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

      anybody who would release something as soul killing as cold lake just cannot be trusted as a musician or human being.

      • KJM

        If I really wanted to , I could say the same for ‘Roll The Bones’, ‘Counterparts’, and ‘Test For Echo’, all terrible albums.

        • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

          now you are hitting below the belt, hahahhaha, your rush fan credentials are in jeopardy !

          • KJM

            Nah I’m a fan, just not an uncritical one. ‘Counterparts’ may be their worst album. Even ‘Power Windows’ has better songs. The 5 year hiatus was due to horrible circumstances, but it helped their songwriting a lot.

  • JWG

    This is not a Whiff. It’s to mention a discovery of something I missed this year that should be shared:

    https://hoopsnakeriffs.bandcamp.com/album/curse-of-the-white-widow

    Hoopsnake are a “doom” band that doesn’t really pigeonhole easily into any single doom subgenre; and even deviate a bit from those identifiers (often mid-tune). A thorough “RIYL” list would probably be longer than this whole post.

    Most obviously, though: Ozzy-era Black Sabbath. As innovators of most of the same sub-subgenres, the comparison is fairly evident (even if the vocal style is very different).

    • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

      The only doom i like is orthodox doom, candlemass, cathedral, EW, solitude aeturnus, old trouble, some witchfinder general, anything with wino and pallbearer even though people think they are some sort of sell outs ( which i just don’t hear and see. They just were just in the right place at right time.)

      • KJM

        That’s why I really like that latest Occultation disc so much, straight up old school Stoner Doom. I’m also looking forward to the new Saturnalia Temple next year for the same reason.

      • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

        I think Pallbearer has been and will continue to be good, despite their haters. (the only reason they have haters is because they blew up)

  • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

    I’ve not listened to any of these albums, i don’t know what that says about me. The last album i bought was whitesnake live in japan a week ago , the slide it in tour with john sykes. Sue me.

    • KJM

      They were great before they turned into a hair metal Zeppelin ripoff with that ‘still of the night’ silliness.

      • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

        That is exactly what i think. Slide it in is epic though. A melding of 70’s hard rock with the burgeoning US metal scene. I can’t listen to 1987 or slip of the tounge. I don’t know why coverdale went into pure plant copy mode on 1987.

        • KJM

          $$$$$$$

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            Don’ forget kingdom come. The guitarist claimed he had only heard of jimi hendrix not page. There was a ballad on their too, and it was a straight zepp rip too. Lenny wolf continues to put albums out in europe though , has been for 25 years.

          • KJM

            I remember getting a good laugh out of that.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Zeppelin should know about ripping off other peoples’ songs.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            that’s bullshit and YOU know it.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Whole lotta love is a clear rip off of Muddy Waters’ You Need Love.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            yea, a proto metal song sounded like an ancient blues song. It was wrong to take the words , i admit that, they did a 4 million dollar payout. How many bands have ripped off the mighty zepp. Every rock band since their debut to today. Their influence even outweighs that of sabbath. Absolute rock gods towering above beatles, rolling bones, dinks and the scrwho, who also stole blues songs like they were going out of style.

          • KJM

            You’re also talking about Blues players who shamelessly ripped each other off all the time.

          • KJM

            Biggest ripoff artist of all time? Elvis Fucking Presley, the most overrated musician who ever lived.

          • KJM

            A)It’s Willie Dixon, not Muddy Waters.

            B)Zeppelin settled out of court years ago for 4 Million

            C)It was Atlantic’s fault and not the bands. I will gladly explain this part if you like.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Also the beginning of Stairway to Heaven is a clear ripoff. Don’t try to defend thieves, zeppboys.

          • KJM

            Wrong again, as usual. That Spirit song sounds nothing like Stairway, and I hate Stairway. If it’s such a ripoff then why did the guy from Spirit wait so long for his lawsuit? $$$$

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I don’t care about the lawsuits, all I care about is that Zeppelin is a bunch of ripoff hacks. I still don’t understand why Bonham was such a special drummer.

          • KJM

            Clearly you are angered by Jimmy Page’s success. Please calm down. There is no need to be upset. Here’s a picture of a cute kitty.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Well, it’s slightly rustling that a guy gets famous for songs he stole from others. Other than that, I don’t have anything against him. They’re not bad ripoffs, but I dislike their singer’s voice. But honestly, the Bonham thing baffles me. I watched one of his drum solos ajd gringed so much.

          • KJM

            One song and it’s not even that good(neither is the album), and I’m guessing you watched ‘Song Remains The Same’ which is total shit.

            At least tell me that my kitty is cute you Philistine!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Ok, that cat is cute (but my dogs are cuter). The guy behind the cat is not cute.

          • KJM

            Yeah fuck that guy, damned old fart.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            He does remind me of the late Tommy Taberman.

          • KJM

            Yeah, a little but I…ahem… I mean “he” has much longer hair. It’s just tied way back in that shot.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Wait a second… Is that you in the picture? ARE YOU TOMMY TABERMAN? I thought you were dead!

          • KJM

            Sorcery has resurrected me and put my soul in the body of a middle aged Irish American.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            You have to return to Finland and start doing Uutisvuoto again!

          • FeelTheDarkness

            I saw that crap band back in 1988 opening the Monsters Of Rock show. Lame lame lame

          • KJM

            The one good thing about Foxboro, MA forcing them to cut the show by 2-3 hours is that I didn’t have to sit through Kingdom Come.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            talk about a coveted gig. Lame, lame, lame – a part 2 of sorts to MC’s girls girls girls. Reflecting their current state of affairs in more ways than one.

      • Sure you’re not thinking of Kingdom Come? Even Gary Moore wrote a song about how hard KC ripped off Zeppelin.

        • KJM

          Oh, that too.

  • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

    I wanted to replicate this guitar tone more than i wanted a girlfriend. I received neither.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJp6cfXHXsY

    • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

      I dont see why this would be hard to replicate.

      • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

        For a beginner going to a music store where they never heard entombed it was.

    • KJM

      You want tone? Here’s a classic tone and riff.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjxMnKWa22Y

    • Metaphysical Anus

      Oh god, this is horrible!

      • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

        how did i know you would say that, i think i am a relative of nostradamus, i will make another prediction. You hated the priest double live abomination conept lp nostradamus.

      • Jöhnny Crünch ™

        Say what?

        • Metaphysical Anus

          You heard me, friendo.

          • KJM

            I can’t vouch for every detail, but it’s certainly true that it’s a story.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Are you going to pull a No Country For Old Men quote out of your arse every time I say friendo?

          • KJM

            Yes and remember, even in the contest between man and steer, the out come is not certain.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            ….

          • KJM
          • Metaphysical Anus

            Damn you, I had that reserved for a special occasion

          • KJM

            BTW, someone at FFB is claiming that our buddy, Blake Judd, has been found dead in Grant Park. I think they’re just trolling though.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            But that’s insane, you are here and obviously not dead.

          • KJM

            And Somerville, MA is about 1,000 miles from Chicago.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            They were trolling. Blake Judd was not found dead.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I’ll fix that.

          • I think the heroin’s gonna beat you to the punch on that one.

          • Wouldn’t be surprised, actually. Seemed like a nice guy when me, him and my friend Adam would hang out, but glad as hell I didn’t hang out with him outside of Metal Haven when he was working there. He’s got a notorious rep around the Lakeview/Wrigleyville area, which is saying alot, considering how many broken down junkies there are in that area.

    • Scrimm

      I know the secret to getting the first one.

    • He looks like he’s mad that mommy didn’t get his favorite toy for him. That and he looks like he’s ready to scream, pout and kick on the floor any minute now.

  • Hah! Try this for maximum Void!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L_PSvx06kA

  • KJM

    Speaking of that bad ass Trower riff, I’m trying to learn it via youtube.

    • FeelTheDarkness

      A friend of mine showed me that riff a long time ago. I even kinda lifted it for a song in one of my old bands but sped up. Punks didn’t even notice.

      • KJM

        Some of the peeps on youtube swear it’s in Eb tuning, but I just watched a few live Trower vids and he’s totally in E Standard. I tried it both ways and E Standard sounds better to me.

        • FeelTheDarkness

          It’s definitely standard E

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I tried learning the intro to I’m Your Captain by Grand Funk Railroad on guitar. I did pretty well with it but I can’t figure out the rest of the song because it’s technical. I’m also mad at myself because I want to see “Grand Funk Railroad” perform at a venue 3 hours from my house. The tickets are cheap too but I feel that it isn’t right to go see the band that kicked out Mark Farner.

      • KJM

        Grand Funk without Mark Farner is a waste of time. It shouldn’t even exist. Don’t go.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          It took three people to replace Mark Farner. The worst thing is the concert is almost sold out. That’s just wrong.

          • KJM

            Beyond wrong.

      • FeelTheDarkness

        Doesn’t Bruce Kulick play for them now?

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan
  • …Ellipsis…

    W. = Agree with W’s assessment
    Brock Samson = Defiantly underwhelming
    George Lynch = Thinking outside the square…
    Jöhnny Crünch ™ = Bit slow, but overall I dig it
    Nordling Rites ov Karhu = A “Dude! You’d totality get it if you were baked.” song
    Janitor Jim = Has its moments, but feels like filler
    David = It’s long, but I like it

    WINNNER = George Lynch’s Everything’s Gone for being both weird and right

  • KJM
  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    aphrodite—and the realization–of a false enchantment—-t

    ————

    awakening—to forever—-beyond what was possible to have known—-

    and destroyng the brain of the false emporer

    ——————-

    all 3 at once–full vol

    http://youtu.be/xpsVcdcmtWI

    http://youtu.be/dJe1iUuAW4M

    http://youtu.be/fFP4zLZvBi8

  • KJM

    Ugh, I was actually bored enough to watch that Paul Stanley Folger’s commercial. Talk about creepy.

    • FeelTheDarkness

      It was Uber creepy.

      • KJM

        To paraphrase the late great Bill Hicks, if you’re struggling and need the money that’s one thing, but Paul Stanley was willing to embarrass himself just to put a few more dollars in his already full to bursting bank account. He’s just as bad as Gene, he just doesn’t talk about it as much.

  • OldMetalHead

    I loved Septicflesh’s Titan this year, but vocals on the second track, Burn, annoy me a lot.
    http://youtu.be/HJQjAdebul0

    • Interview I did with them way back when (and a long ass argument with my boss at that ‘zine afterwards):

      http://www.chaindlk.com/interviews/Septic-FleshChaostar/

      • OldMetalHead

        Thanks man. Interesting interview.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        Did you threaten to attack them if they released The Interview (see what I did there?)?

        • Haha, nah. My boss was bitching “oh, this is death metal, not industrial or darkwave” bullshit without even listening to more than a 30 second sample of them. I left ChainDLK pretty shortly afterwards, did some stuff for Grave Concerns (Julie’s the coolest boss on Earth, btw), and quit with music journalism altogether.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Wow, he/she/person without determinable gender seems like a douche,