Whiff o’ the Week (1/18/15)

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“Then no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, you’ll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by. You’ll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes, tearing apart, piece by piece, all your carefully conceived denials, whether deliberate or unconscious. And for better or worse you’ll turn, unable to resist, though try to resist you still will, fighting with everything you’ve got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the creature you truly are, the creature we all are, buried in the nameless black of a name.

And then the nightmares will begin.”

Sever your structures of normalcy. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

When last we visited Whiffland, I tasked you with judging the most offensive of a list of otherwise good songs marred by one performer. As fate would have it, our pal Kim Jong Un honored Best Korea with his choice of Paul Di’Anno. All glory to his name.

kju

Next week’s category: Worst solo!

Alright, that’s it for the summary. Let’s get to the whiffs. This week’s category: Worst cover of a good song!


 W.

Does anyone remember the short-lived MTV series MTV Icon? Originally envisioned as a way to honor musical acts who have made major impacts on the industry, it was cancelled after only four specials. In its third year, MTV decided to honor Metallica by booking Sum 41StaindAvril LavigneSnoop DoggKorn, and Limp Bizkit. The results are about what you’d expect, with only Sum 41’s medley of “For Whom the Bell Tolls,” “Enter Sandman,” and “Master of Puppets” being listenable. I honestly couldn’t pick just one turd from this crap smorgasbord, so I’ve linked to the entire special. Watch it. Then kill yourself.


 Papa Joe

Ask yourself, have you ever wondered what a soul classic like “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye would sound like when covered by a complete fucking asshole? I know I’ve lost a lot of sleep thinking about it. Thankfully, everyone’s favorite hat rack Fred Durst deigned to give us this nü-metal version of “What’s Going On,” complete with bounce riffs and all.


Kim Jong Un’s Oily Sex Dumplings

Keep your toilets running, heading down the drain pipe! Lookin’ for a 5-flusher, and it’s coming your way!


365 Days of Horror

My Ruin sucks. AC/DC sucks. Put them together and what do you get? A double-decker suck sandwich with extra suck on the side for dipping.


Rusty Shackleford

lol at when Angela Gossow walked into the studio and was like “Ooooo I wanna cover this shitty Kiss song from a shitty Kiss album…” WHO DECIDED THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?!?!?


Feelthedarkness

I vote for Metallica covering “Free Speech For The Dumb” by Discharge. It’s one thing to cover The Misfits but to go for a Discharge song. Ahhh NO.


Simon Phoenix

I submitted this as a whiff before, and I was almost tempted to submit SFU’s cover of “Confused” by Angel Witch. But this turd is still much worse; to the point that I’m using it a second time.

Fuck you in your right ear Oceano.


Scrimm

I don’t have anything against Testament, or at least I didn’t until they released this steaming turd. Everything but the drums sucks, and is a disgrace to one of the greatest songs of all time. The bass? Try to cover Steve Harris at your own peril. Not saying Skolnick and Peterson aren’t good guitarist but they can’t hold a candle to Murray or Smith, and it shows throughout. And the vocals are just atrocious in every way. I’ll never hear Chuck Billy the same after this. 10/5 flushes.


Guacamole Jim

It’s hard to miss the mark as viciously as In Flames did on their cover of “Land of Confusion” by Genesis. By taking everything that made the original enjoyable out of their version and replacing it with poorly articulated vocals, sloppy drumming, and uninspired guitar riffs, they managed to create a pathetic version of a classic tune, and thoroughly embarrass themselves in the process. Also, if you can’t sing high enough to cover the melody line, don’t sing the harmony like it doesn’t make a difference. It does.


SMOHLG

The Dillinger Escape Plan‘s 2006 EP Plagiarism was a small collection of covers that were meant to remain true to the original songs. The result is one of the worst vocal deliveries I have ever heard. On “Jesus Christ Pose” you will find Puciato trying to mimic Chris Cornell in his prime, and the result lights my backside aflame every time. This song was the first I had ever heard of TDEP and it succeeded only in making me think they must be one of the worst bands around. It wasn’t until 2013’s …Killer that I finally gave them another listen and my opinion began to sway.


Maik Beninton

I found this cover on a clickbait video called “Mudvayne & Slipknot & Static-X – Smells Like Teen Spirit (cover Nirvana).”


Janitor Jim

This cover of “Masters Of War” by Bob Dylan is so bad I could not finish it. It is garbage in the highest degree and I feel a need to cleanse myself after hearing it. It takes the power of Bob Dylan and murders it with mechanical precision. Fuck this band with the biggest cacti on Earth.


Akercocke Ov Steele

I hate this cover; I love Destruction, and I love Maiden (as if none figured that out). I don’t know why they thought playing it another key would make it sound better, but they did. Flush this cover, Flush it hard.


Stanley Laurel

Where do you start with Graveyard Classics? It’s chockfull of contenders for Whiff of the Week. The obvious choice would be go straight for “T.N.T.” which is LOLBUTTZ right from the get go, but the song was never “great” in the first place and so doesn’t quite meet this weeks criteria. Instead, I’m going for the Dead Kennedy’s classic picked off the legendary Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables LP. Playing a song note for note (albeit with down-tuned guitars) while gurgling like a tone deaf toad with strep throat does not a good cover make. All the menace and vitriol of the original are lost in this flat, redundant money grab.


Coolstorybro

Five Finger Death Punch, covering the Animals‘ cover of “House of the Rising Sun.” Where do I begin? There’s the lyric change from “New Orleans” to “Sin City,” for some fucking reason. There’s the fact that it’s just awful in every expressible way. Also, they chose to do away with dat organ riff. No matter the reason, here’s your worst cover song ever.


Ellipsis

Who are Rx Bandits? I don’t know, but they covered Megadeth’s “Holy Wars… The Punishment Due” for the hotbed of lolbuttz that is the Punk Goes… series, in this case the inaugural album, Punk Goes Metal. If you’ve ever wondered what Megadeth would sound like played by a Ska band, skip to 2:34.


Nordling Rites ov Karhu

There are four kind of covers. Tribute: Playing the song exactly the same. Cover: Playing it with a twist, often fits with neither’s style and is most likely bad. Bastardization: Barely recognisable if at all. The new artist has made his/her vision the dominant. And four: The kind that both sucks AND blows. Gues to which does Paul Di’Anno‘s version of “Kashmir” fit into.


ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

This isn’t a metal song, but this abortion of a cover will inevitably be played at a supermarket or in the waiting room of a dentist’s office at least once every few hours. The movie Office Space hit the nail on the head in referring to Michael Bolton as a “no talent ass clown,” and I don’t think that there’s a song out there that irritates me more. It’s just that awful.


MoshOff

As unkvlt as it may be, I really dig Suicide Silence. I’m sure you’ll agree with me though when I say that this is the most bastardizingly foul attempt at an Alice in Chains cover ever.


Esusmoose

Worst cover could mean a few things, but choosing a song from a group who’s only aspect worth knowing is that they’re pretend lesbians and then adding in some terribly flushable auto-tuned vocals and garbage-level metalcore instrumentation, and you’ve got yourself this mess.


Elite Extremophile

I never had much of a problem with August Burns Red, because while they were mostly metalcore, they never resorted to autotuned whines like most bands of their ilk. I thought it was their choice. I realize now that they don’t sing because Jake Luhrs sounds absolutely fucking atrocious doing anything but a monotone growl.


Ted Nü-Djent

When Dubya informed me that my original submission of Celine Dion and Anastacia covering AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” wasn’t playable in the God damn US of A, it sent me into a blind panic. How was I ever going to find such another cringe inducing bad cover with so little time to spare? (You should have seen Celine air guitaring at the beginning; it was magnificently bad). In desperation I turned to the Punk Goes… series and found this. It may not be a “great” song but Tay Tay has been covered on this very blog before and that’s enough of a loop hole for me.


Well, there you have it. Now it’s your turn to decide which of these covers is the worst.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 18-01-2015 10:00:00
end_date 19-01-2015 01:00:00
Poll Results:
Which of these covers is the worst?

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

 

  • Stanley

    That’s a lot of whiffs. Probably won’t be able to get through them all without taking a shower. This could take a while.

    • DDubya.

      There are a lot of really bad covers out there.

    • FeelTheDarkness

      You got my vote. That was just awful

      • Stanley

        Thank you. I’ve just opened one of these in your honor.

    • today’s competition is impossible.

      • DDubya.

        I didn’t expect to get this much of a response.

        • Maik Beninton

          I was really wondering what could be worse than my pick.
          It’s really easy to fuck up a good song.

          • DDubya.

            If you ever used Limewire back in the day, there were hundreds of bad covers floating around.

          • Maik Beninton

            I was too young and don’t remember almost anything.
            And what’s Limewire?

          • DDubya.

            Limewire was a pirating software where you downloaded individual tracks rather than torrenting whole albums. It was riddled with viruses and mislabeled songs.

          • Lacertilian

            ‘New Metallica album’ was every fifth folder name.
            Although, I managed to get some old Slayer bootlegs during high school.

  • I admittedly didn’t listen to all the whiffs. I don’t think that subjecting myself to the pure ass that is these whiffs would be good for my mental health. I chose what I thought would probably sound the most assy: We Came as Romans. That has to be one of my least favorite bands in existence. To counteract the filth, I shall post something pleasant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVX4tumzsn0

    • FeelTheDarkness

      Love this album. I wore out two cassette copies of it back in the day

      • more beer

        I saw Discharge in 86 with Youth of today, C.O.C. And D.R.I.. In my 30 plus years of going to shows, I have never witnessed anything like this show before or since. The Ritz in New York was packed the first 3 bands played killer sets. Discharge came on and started to play(they were horrible) the place stared to really move there was a huge pit. That lasted for about 2 minutes and the pit just stopped. Everyone there was like what the fuck is this shit. Then beers and anything that wasn`t nailed down was getting thrown at them chairs off the balcony all sorts of shit. It`s said HR from the Bad Brains dumped a giant bucket of ice off the balcony on them. Needless to say they had to run off of the stage so the didn`t get killed. Definitely one of the craziest shows I `ve ever been to.

        • FeelTheDarkness

          They were touring for Grave New World?
          That album is a abombination.
          They lost a lot of followers for that turd

          • Max

            That album, unfortunately, was my introduction to Discharge. It’s a real cliche to bring up a Cold Lake comparison, but surely an apt one in this case.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            Except Cold Lake had hidden potential in some riffs. They could have been used to make good songs in an alternate universe

        • FeelTheDarkness

          I never got to see Discharge but the next best thing was Broken Bones with Bones playing guitar on the Bonecrusher tour. That was fucking awesome

          • more beer

            After what I saw you should be glad you never saw them. I think losing supporters was least of their problems back then. I think getting out venues alive was more of a priority. Never saw Broken Bones. Did see GBH around the same time and they kicked ass!

          • FeelTheDarkness

            I seen GBH a bunch of times. Always a great live band

        • Gurptitude

          Discharge? Really? How could music that simple get fucked up?

          • more beer

            Yea really. They decided to become a metal band and still only had punk rock skills. It didn`t work out to well for them.

          • Gurptitude

            Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.

    • more beer

      Such a great album.

  • B00mhauer

    Man, I feel less embarrassed listening to Disturbed’s cover of Land of Confusion. That’s really saying something. I like In Flames’ cover of ‘Everything Counts’ though.

    • B00mhauer

      Also, that fucking Discharge cover does NOT translate well. At all.

      • FeelTheDarkness

        It is so cringe worthy

    • Everything Counts is acceptable. What’s not acceptable is the description on that In Flames video cover that shared Guacamelee: “n Flames – Land Of Confusion. It’s cover from Disturbed – Land Of Confusion.. Hope you like it :)”

      FUCK YOU, phontuS!!

  • Brock Samson

    I voted for cool story bro because House of the Rising Sun is one of my favorite songs of all time and it hurts to know that FFDP even attempted to do a cover of it.

    • DDubya.

      Question: How do you feel about the Muse cover of it?

      • Muse did it justice imo

        • DDubya.

          Not sure if I’ve mentioned this here before, but I actually like Muse quite a bit, aside from the last album. The dubstep elements didn’t do it for me.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Absolution >>>>>>>>>>>

          • DDubya.

            Nailed it, although Black Holes and Revelations is grandiose and can be aptly described as epic.

          • D. Lee

            Love black holes and absolution. Flush everything after that

          • DDubya.

            I didn’t mind The Resistance, but man was The 2nd Law a letdown.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I thought Absolution was on the turn, though mostly solid. All about Origin of Symmetry for me.

          • DDubya.

            Citizen Erased >>>>>>>

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Absolute colossus of a tune!

          • So do I, I forget which album it is, but the one that has time is running out on it is one I really enjoy.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            I feel nearly the same, Absolution wasn’t exactly my piece o’ pie either.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Muse is awesome, agree on the dubstep shit. Great guitar riffs, great bass riffs, fun pop/rock songs.

          • DDubya.

            I was disappointed they went that direction. Hope they go back to more prog leanings on the next one.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            If they can make another Knights of Cydonia, they can have all my money.

          • DDubya.

            Exactly.

  • KJM

    Fuck Fred Durst.

    • In his Dursty little asshole.

    • DDubya.

      He’s represented twice here in this little roundup.

      • KJM

        I was referring to the Marvin Gaye cover.

        • DDubya.

          I figured as much. I voted for that. No one messes with Marvin Gaye.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

          I voted for Papa Joe because that fucking cover is so bad. Why did he think covering the title track off the best Marvin Gaye album in that style was acceptable?

          • KJM

            Arrogance, and not in a good way either. Unfortunately A Perfect Circle’s cover of it kinda sucks too, but at least Maynard and Billy meant well.

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    Marvin Gaye’s father should rise from the dead and fucking shoot Fred too.
    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me6d6p4qhT1r8u6veo1_500.gif

  • Maik Beninton

    I don’t really care about covers, would rather listen to the original even if the cover is good.
    Anyway thanks to nu metal for making a whole history of terrible covers.

    • Maik Beninton

      And by the way the name of the band on my submit is Bruthal 6, it doesn’t have anything to do with the bands on the title.

      • DDubya.

        Ah, I was wondering.

  • ooooooooh, without hearing them all yet, i can already see FFDP winning. *cringe fuse blows*

    • DDubya.

      Just wait till you hear Fred Durst rapping Sanitarium with a DJ scratching in the background.

      • i’m getting quite sucked in to your video.
        “LOLZ… everywhere LOLZ” (skip to 1h 8m)

        http://youtu.be/8244qBdrTnU?t=1h8m3s

        • DDubya.

          The whole thing is just beyond awful. Korn can’t play the fast part of One. Avril sounds like a cat shrieking. Snoop Dogg was probably baked out of his mind.

          • Scrimm

            Why can’t I stop watching it!!!!

          • DDubya.

            It’s like watching a train wreck. You can’t look away.

          • Scrimm

            As horrible as Avril is, that’s such an awful song she really couldn’t make it any worse.

          • DDubya.

            True that.

          • Maik Beninton

            And it’s completed with a preview of St. Anger.

          • Elite Extremöphile

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZOXC_t6dk8

            Someone did a “shredding” video of it and it’s the best ever. My favorite part is the “whap” sound when his hair hits the microphone.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Ha ha ha ha that’s brilliant

          • old_man_doom

            Holy shit. I thought it was real until the “vocals” came in. A+++ would listen to again

          • Lacertilian

            The sad part is that Snoop covering Metallica on MTV is not the worst part of the ‘event’.
            Unbelievable.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I almost submitted Korns One

        • Maik Beninton

          lolbutz/10

        • CyberneticOrganism

          So many lulz

  • Spear

    Good lord, these covers are atrocious. Couldn’t finish any of them.

  • Scrimm

    Oh man the temptation to vote for my own pick was almost too much this time, holy shit I hate that song. I did the next best thing and went for the other maide cover, which is really just as bad. Seriously, Fuck Destruction. Always hated them but now they earn a spot in my worst bands ever list. I almost picked this other turd, Also a Maiden cover by a band that really really blows(except for damage done). None of these bands should even be allowed to listen to Maiden anymore. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anad5M6YnrM

    • DDubya.

      New profile pic!

      • Scrimm

        Yeah the other is an iconic pic but it was getting a little stale.

        • DDubya.

          Off-topic question. Have you read any Thomas Ligotti? I just read a bit about him, and I’d like to check out Songs of a Dead Dreamer after I finish The Terror. The kindle edition is cheap, but all hard copies are ridiculously expensive.

          • KJM
          • DDubya.

            Some of them are in $100s on Amazon, even for used copies.

          • Scrimm

            I have payed 40+ for some Brian Lumley books and they get a lot higher. I also have a mint first printing hardcover of Pet Semetery that I know is worth a pretty penny, and a copy of the original Halloween novelization that I’ve seen go for over 300.

          • DDubya.

            Wow! That’s pretty rad. If I had to guess, I’d say my leather-bound copy of Don Quixote is probably my most expensive book.

          • Scrimm

            I bet it is. We have a shop out here that specializes in signed collectible books, but I still have never managed a visit.

          • DDubya.

            I enjoy the convenience of Kindle, but ever since I was younger I’ve always dreamed of having a library room in my house lined with row after row of books.

          • Scrimm

            Same. I just had to sell off quite a few, but I have literally an entire wall of bookshelves that were stuffed full. My favorite thing I own. And I want so many more. Also as a writer, however crappt I may be, the thought of having an ebook published is nowhere near having an actual print book in my hands.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            For music and literature it’s the same. I’ll rejoice for a digital release, but I won’t own any me’self (well, I have flexed on some albums). But it is not, for me, a goal achieved if it is not physically available.

          • Scrimm

            I wouldn’t lessen the achievement and it’s an ego thing but I would so much rather have a real book.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            I guess I’m a materialist in this sense. It just isn’t the same.

          • Scrimm

            I hear that I feel the same way but I may very well have to deal with it the way things are going. If nothing else I’ll use Amazon createspace to print up a few copies.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            You can do that? I may need to see to this.

          • Scrimm

            Yep. Check it out. I have a few copies from some authors who have reprinted some stuff that way.

          • Scrimm

            No but he’s one of the authors on my list. I’ve been pretty bad about my reading the past year, I think wiriting 400 pages in 90 days last fall really burned me out. I am halfway through the newest John Ajvide Lindquist book right now and it’s reeeealllly good, but I need something new so maybe I’ll give Ligotti a go next.

          • DDubya.

            I understand that feeling of burn-out. I’m sure I’ll feel that way after finishing my dissertation in the next month or so.

          • Scrimm

            It happens and it sucks. I need to get to editing my first book but I can’t hardly look at it now, my mind starts wandering right away.

    • Mr.CustodialArts

      I think this is WORSE-MUCH WORSE-even the WALLFLOWERS did a better job. TOMBS did as well…OF COURSE.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HQpOBVbG8c

      • Scrimm

        GROSS. I can’t take people butchering Bruce though, that will always trump almost anything for me.

  • DDubya.

    Many thanks to Papa Joe for holding down the fort for me last week.

  • Guacamole Jim

    Oh man they’re all so bad.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Covers are almost always awful

      • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

        There are some really good ones though, and some better than originals as well.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I admit that I do love Finntroll’s cover of The God That Failed, it’s badass

        • PhoenixKing Leonhart

          Vader covered Thin Lizzy and somehow made it work.

          https://youtu.be/gVISC52zu0A

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            Vader has actually made more than one good cover, which is a remarkable feat for any band. Even if I don’t oppose cover albums.

          • Akercocke ov Steele

            I was surprised as hell that Vader would do the Thin Lizzy Angel of Death.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            Better it than Slayer

    • worst.whiff.ov.the.week.ever!… this list will going to pass to the annals of history

  • Scrimm

    Kinda surprised I didn’t see this shit fest anywhere in the list. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5jEb-ASdog

    • FeelTheDarkness

      I thought about that one but the Discharge cover was too much for me to take

      • Scrimm

        That was really bad.

    • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

      They’re butchering of Loverman was really close to be sended though. Metallica are a wellspring of terribad covers.

      • DDubya.

        They probably also wear the crown of being the most poorly covered band as well.

        • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

          Let us not forget the humongous amounts of Celtic frost covers.

          • DDubya.

            Maiden has quite a few too.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            I guess all the classic metal bands sans Priest have way too many bad covers gracing their legacy

          • Scrimm

            Way too many. Bands need to really think twice before they tackle their tunes. I used to want to, but I don’t think I would do it now.

          • DDubya.

            I used to sing in a cover band, and we would always close our shows with The Trooper because people loved it. I couldn’t quite do Bruce’s voice justice, tbh.

          • Scrimm

            Nobody would want my black metalish shrieking over one of their tunes. Live, maybe I’d still do it, but no recording.

          • DDubya.

            I definitely didn’t try to put any sort of extreme bent to it. Tried to perform as true to the original as possible.

          • Scrimm

            If I tried to do that it would sound even WORSE. No clean singing talent here.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            Familiar with Sentenced’s go at TheTrooper?

          • Scrimm

            Yes but it’s been many years.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            There’s some maiden with dem shrieks. Not a very favorable way to do vocals on that track

          • Scrimm

            Yeah Naglfar also covered The Evil That Men do but it was ok cause that dude was one of my favorite extreme vocalists. The old one not the awful hack they have now.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            The awful hack was in Thyrfing though…

          • Scrimm

            AHHHHH no Jens is a god I’m talking about the guy they have now.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            They switched again?

          • Scrimm

            No Jens was the original, on the first three albums. He’s done two solo albums under different band names, and then he joined Thyrfing.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            Ah, I see

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            No one can

        • JWG

          Exception to that particular rule, IMHO:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bT63PZ6zF9g

          • DDubya.

            There are some decent Metallica covers floating around. Mastodon’s rendition of Orion is actually pretty enjoyable.

          • old_man_doom

            I think the ‘Don are masters of the cover song. See “Just Got Paid,” “Emerald,” and “The Bit.”

          • Lacertilian

            Orange Goblin do a good cover of Just Got Paid too.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXsvg–iKmg

      • Scrimm

        Amen.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        I almost submitted that. But then again there’s quite a few that i almost submitted

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I like that

      • Scrimm

        AH JEEZ

      • Lacertilian

        Cosigned, I love that.
        First time I got proper drunk on a friends Mum’s stolen Cointreau playing air guitar with a pool cue in a garage. Ahh, to be 14 again…

  • Akercocke ov Steele

    Wow, this is such a huge shit pile I’m going to have to take some time deciding. I think Fred Durst covering Marvin Gaye should result in jail time or worse.

    • Mr.CustodialArts

      #durstslifedoesntmatter

  • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

    I can’t watch ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo’s entry at all.

    • DDubya.

      Is the video not available in Funland?

      • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

        It is not. Nofunland at all.

        • DDubya.

          It’s Michael Bolton singing “When a Man Loves a Woman.”

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            Oh, I know it all too well then.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

    I’n still pissed at Oceano for destroying Machine Gun by Hendrix.

  • Stanley

    This pile of festering donkey turds have been distilled down to 3 and it wasn’t easy. This post was harder to get through than one of Edward’s Form and Void articles. Finalists are Papa Joe, KJU and Guacamole Jim. After one more listen through my vote goes to the undisputed Supreme Leader. Flush.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

      Fuck Fred Durst. I couldn’t get through half of that abomination.

      • Stanley

        To be honest, I only got through about 30% of each of the songs. Just enough to get the gist. I’ve got some Cretin to listen to. Btw, I just saw that their drummer has left the band and they cancelled all this years tours :(. Now that’s a whiff of the week. I’m not sure if you know but they have a great song about a Janitor with poo in his pockets.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

          That sounds like a funny song.

          • Stanley

            Here you go. I dug the lyrics up for you. Cretin – Mr Frye, The Janitor Guy.

            Goddamn teachers, never appreciating what I do, never looking me in the eye, and the children, just

            as bad, cleaning up their mess, throwing food just to spite me, chanting, “Mister Frye, the janitor guy,

            Mister Frye with the lazy eye,” and smiling, mopping, I just say, “Now children, you must never throw

            your trash in the side garden,” and they do it anyway, but would they if they knew it’s been me all along,

            when they sing, “Mister Frye, the toilet doesn’t work, we can’t flush, you stupid jerk,” years and years

            I’ve stopped the water, stealing all their turds, carrying them inside my pockets, planting them in soil,

            tending my garden, growing it green and beautiful, something no one can take from me, those shitty

            fucking brats, forty fucking years, and now that tree is more than strong enough, and will they close the

            school, what will happen when they find me hanging from the bough, will the kids sing if I can’t hear

            them, “Mister Frye, dead and blue, Mister Frye, his pockets full of poo”?

        • DDubya.

          Someone posted that news on Facebook. Very bad, although I don’t think him leaving is permanent. he just took time off to be with his newborn.

        • BLVKKBEVRD

          This is pretty bad news, didn’t mean to miss this earlier. I had just started liking them, too. Hrmpf.

      • Lacertilian

        I thought Limp Dickzit would be right in your wheelhouse based upon your other sins tastes.

    • Bawooooooooooooooosh!

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Was it just a bad dream or did some really shit indie band cover the whole of Damaged a few years ago?

    • Yeah, the dirty projectors did. I had forgotten but it is just as self indulgent and unlistenable as it gets.

  • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

    I only now recall, some metalcore musicians re-did the whole St.Anger. It’s better than the original though

    • Maik Beninton

      Yeah I was about to say did anyone saw that?

    • DDubya.

      Really? I don’t think I’ve ever heard any covers of that album.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

      I heard about that. I might listen to it and see if it actually is better than the real thing. Then again, anything is better than the real thing.

    • Scrimm

      It is better but still, you can’t polish a turd.

      • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

        But you CAN puor glitter all over it and sell it as jewelry

        • Scrimm

          • DDubya.

            I put diamonds in my food because I want my doodoo to sparkle.

          • Scrimm

            Hahahaha I didn’t even think of that.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Sic semper FFDP

  • Voting for one would mean not voting for all the others. There’s only one way out.

    http://nickhacks.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/8pPf3xI.gif

    • DDubya.

      You know I support this.

    • KJM

      +1000 for Toshiro Mifune

    • Scrimm

      Better than listening to them all.

  • KJM
    • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

      This was one of the greatest albums ever written in my opinion. Damn was Marvin Gaye underrated.

  • Someone should let We Came As Romans know that it’s possible to transpose songs to another key so you don’t sound like a reedy asshole trying to sing well out of your range.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Someone should let them know that they also enjoy pee pee’s in their bum

  • Rob M

    Amorphis – Light My Fire

    ..damn was that an awful cover

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4i4vYkoG8A8

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

      Who the fuck would cover the best song by the Doors? It’s an unwritten rule that there are two classic rock bands you do NOT cover: Led Zeppelin and The Doors. So many bands have broken these rules and the results are usually abysmal and morally reprehensible.

      • Rob M

        Amorphis is a great band and Tales From the Thousand Lakes is a classic, but this song does not play to their strengths at all

      • KJM
        • DDubya.

          I also like the Tool cover of Demon Cleaner.

          • KJM

            Yes.

        • Lacertilian

          Good cover of a legendary song.
          Perfect pick for Tool to cover also.
          Have tripped hard to this, works.

          • KJM

            They do a great job of putting their own mark on the song. I would sacrifice several people to Cthulhu to see Jimmy Page play this song with them.

          • Lacertilian

            Shame they don’t do more covers. Can you think of some other tracks you would like to hear them cover?
            I think if they did a Garage, Inc. style album it would be well received, especially since they can’t seem to create their own music at any kind of consistent frequency.

          • KJM

            Their next disc will be their last. It would’ve come out a couple years back if not for all the lawsuits. I’d rather see more earlier songs live than covers myself. They’ll probably do a couple more big tours then say forget it.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Wrong about not covering The Doors, this is one of the greatest covers. Ever.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vF2VMlTDX-A&feature=player_detailpage

      • Stanley

        The will probably do nothing to change your mind.

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tsq2UdXHO9U

    • Scrimm

      That is one of my favorite albums of all time, and the album that really blew the gates oipen for me as far as more extreme metal, but that song is a huge pile of crap.

    • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

      They even re-recorded this cover.

    • The Doors are easily one of the most overrated bands EVER. And the Doors movie was so hilariously awful! They even managed to skip out on the fact that Morrison was a wife-beating souprdouche, and kept him in perpetual messiah-complex mode throughout the entire movie. The book (Riders On The Storm) was good, though.

  • CT-12

    Pretty unrelated to all this flushable shit, but saw Black Breath in a tiny ass bar with no stage last night, fucking fun and wild as hell! Also, check out O.S.S., good punk/metal band that opened https://ossmusic1.bandcamp.com/album/teeth-in-the-dark-e-p

    • DDubya.

      That sounds rad.

      • CT-12

        Twas

    • Scrimm

      Nice. I’d like to catch them sometime.

      • CT-12

        They’re a fun time man!

  • BLVKKBEVRD

    Geez, you guys really know how to pick these whiffs.

    • BLVKKBEVRD

      My pick is Maik Beninton because the only thing that could possibly be worse than Nirvana, itself, is if these bunch of fucking mooks joined together to cover one of their songs.

      • DDubya.

        I hate Nirvana. There, I said it.

        • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

          Who doesn’t
          (Jim)

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I despise Nirvana. They’re garbage and their whole genre is garbage. The only good grunge band is Pearl Jam.

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            Pearl Jam sucks too. Sry JJD

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            Damnit.

          • DDubya.
          • BLVKKBEVRD

            Aww, is it me or is that just kinda cute?

          • DDubya.

            Not just you.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            nope

          • more beer

            I`m not sure just saying they suck is even a harsh enough description!

          • Stanley

            I give Vitalogy a spin every now and again.

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            Pearl Jam is a fixture of the NC radio system, to this day.

          • Stanley

            Yeah, that’s the problem with radio. Everything is over played. It’s not like there aren’t a million bands struggling to get airtime, but every radio station plays the same stuff over and over again and it turns discerning music listeners away. I’m sure that if you put a CD of your favorite band in your car and then had to listen to it every time you took a drive, they wouldn’t be your favorite band for long.

          • KJM

            During the early to mid 90s, you couldn’t escape that shit. As far as radio play goes, they were far more pervasive than Nirvana.

          • KJM

            The best thing I’ll say about PJ is they were a decent high-end Zeppelin ripoff. That’s it.

          • Alice in Chains or GO HOME…

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            Grunge ain’t even a genre or a sound. Every band sounds different

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            It was a fashion at best

          • PhoenixKing Leonhart

            Wrong. There are plenty of good grunge bands. The Screaming Trees being one of them.

            https://youtu.be/1lfd7zeHRRs

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I consider them alternative. I do like them though.

          • The Bestest Tapir

            Nah, this is horrible.

          • KJM

            Are Alice In Chains still considered Grunge? I hope not. I like most of their stuff.

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            I was going to say this earlier. AIC is about the only “grunge” band I can enjoy.

          • KJM

            I just consider them heavy rock, and Jerry Cantrell is excellent by any standard. Strangely enough I wouldn’t go see AIC now but, if Jerry did a solo acoustic tour type deal, I’d be on that shit.

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            I could get down with that.

          • old_man_doom

            I’ve always considered AiC metal, even when I was younger. My dad first introduced me to “We Die Young” when I was about 12. That opening riff is mean and metal as fuck.

          • KJM

            Yeah that’s a pretty Metal song, so is much of their other stuff.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Agreed, agreed, agreed.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            What the fuck is the “grunge sound” anyway? The 4 biggest grunge bands AIC, PJ, Soundgarden and Nirvana had nothing in common musically.

          • Lacertilian

            This is funny as fuck. Contradictory statements throughout.
            http://www.wikihow.com/Play-Grunge-Guitar-and-Keep-the-Look

            He must be trolling on some existential level.

          • AiC>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • The Bestest Tapir

            I dimmafuckingdarn hate Nirvana!

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            We all do, we all do

        • BLVKKBEVRD

          Rightfully so, Mr. President.

        • KJM

          They might be the most overrated Rock band in history.

          • Maik Beninton

            Maybe, people spent too much time talking about them.
            But still, bands spent the next two decades copying their sound.

          • KJM

            Seems to me by about 1998-99 the Grunge thing had lost steam. Bands like Tool, Korn, and (ugh) Limp Bizkit were much more popular.

          • Maik Beninton

            Yeah but then there was the rise of post-grunge with Nickelback, Three Days Grace, Foo Fighters, etc.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Grunge did give way to the weakest, limpest period in the history of rock
            Exhibit A
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPU8OAjjS4k&feature=player_detailpage

          • Maik Beninton

            tbh I like them.
            I like grunge and post-grunge

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            ..

          • Maik Beninton

            lol

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I’d say by 95-96 the rot had set in

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            That title belongs to The Beatles

          • Ellipsis

            Nope, The Rolling Stones.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I won’t argue

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          I like them but they’re the band from that era that I listen to the least. AIC best of those Seattle bands by a country mile.

      • Maik Beninton

        It’s Bruthal 6, not the guys in the title.
        I should’ve put on the description.

        • BLVKKBEVRD

          Whatever it is, its disgusting.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    watch this vid of bill clinton/harvey weinstein—trying to be sociable–right after orchestrating 911—while meeting paul mccartney at the 911 tribute concert–

    strangely “effeminate” —repeating “heartwarming” stories to people like a robot/downs syndrome survivor—every 30 seconds—

    guilty—neurotic—and newly psychotic—-having just done the stupidest most needless crime that could ever be done

    http://youtu.be/DSOpqXCn7Ho

  • on the topic of Whiffs, there is now a video for one of the worst songs from one of the worst albums of 2015:
    i’ll do a @365daysofhorror:disqus style breakdown:
    0:00 -> 4:59 – nothing happens.
    http://youtu.be/PSMj1C9B_JY

    • Lacertilian

      I’ll report back, nothing definitely happens when you don’t click play.
      Only way to view.

  • EsusMoose

    So much bad, I thought just finding a steaming pile of crap was enough, no. I must find one would be possibly appealing so to peak the interest of victims then let the terrible smell permeate to envelope their doomed senses. One day I’ll work on my run ons

  • JamesGrimm

    mmaannnn that AIC is bad. makes me sad.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Part of what made Alice In Chains so great were the vocal harmonies, replace those with pig squeals and you take away most of the magic. It’s a good reason why this Sexcrement cover of We Die Young falls short

      https://sexcrement.bandcamp.com/track/we-die-young

  • PhoenixKing Leonhart

    Yeah, Papa Joe wins this one. How does one fuck up Marvin Gaye that badly? If you’re Fred Durst, it’s easy as pie.

  • PhoenixKing Leonhart

    Side note: That quote from the Gunslinger is so epic and creepy. Walter O’Dim/The Walking Dude/The Man in Black is such a badass villain. I could actually take lessons from him.

    • DDubya.

      Which Gunslinger quote? From an old edition of Whiff? The quote in this one is from House of Leaves.

      • PhoenixKing Leonhart

        Ah yes. It’s just that the quote sounds similar to one that O’Dim said to this woman about a number or a letter or such. I believe she later recounted the story to Roland, but eventually O’Dim’s speech drove her mad.

        • DDubya.

          That sounds vaguely familiar. Was it Roland’s mom? The Dark Tower might be my favorite book series, but it’s been a few years since I read it.

          • PhoenixKing Leonhart

            Might have been. It’s been a while since I read it as well.

            It’s such a great series though. Probably the best thing Stephen King has written. (Yes even more so then The Stand). I even like the last three books which the majority of King’s fandom seems to hate with a burning passion. I also love how he tied most of his other books to the series.

          • DDubya.

            I’d say the series is his crowning achievement because it acts as the linchpin for his body of work. Also, I liked the last three books. If I had to pick my favorite two, I’d say The Gunslinger and The Dark Tower.

            Did you read The Wind through the Keyhole? It was a great revisit of the series and fit well into the plot. I really enjoyed it.

          • Scrimm

            It’s funny because as a life log fanatic of his work The Dark Tower series is by FAR my least favorite

          • DDubya.

            Dang.

          • Scrimm

            Yep. Never made it past the third book.

      • old_man_doom

        I started to read House of Leaves, but I never finished. I think I really need to consider getting back into it.

        • DDubya.

          Definitely so.

  • Stockhausen

    Joe gets this one by a long shot. I didn’t want to submit a non-metal song, but Rod Stewart butchering, completely trashing, missing the point of, utterly disgracing, and then finally smearing used sequins all over “Downtown Train” by Tom Waits is one of the most offensive covers in my mind.

  • So much fail here, I can’t choose. 20-way tie perhaps?

  • KJM
    • BLVKKBEVRD

      Right there with you, KJ

  • KJM

    I think this is pretty fucking cool. I’ve only watched the trailer so far.
    http://moonscapemovie.blogspot.com/p/watch-latest-release-of-moonscape.html

  • old_man_doom

    Oh, man. Those pop goes punk comps always make me cringe so goddamn hard.

    At least Suicide Silence took advantage of that sludgy AiC riff to make it pretty brutal. srs

    • DDubya.

      The pop goes series is ripe for the whiffing.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        One thing I found with this weeks category is just how many terrible covers there are.

        • old_man_doom

          And that, uncle Ted, is why I voted for you.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Thank you kind sir. I could barely make it through a minute of these. Everyone’s a winner this week

          • old_man_doom

            And when everyone is a winner here, we all fuckin’ lose.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I thought that the moment I pressed “Post as Ted Nü-Djent”. Came back to edit my post actually.

  • Vote for me, or you (get put into a voluntary labor camp)!

    • DDubya.

      Voluntary, eh?

    • The Bestest Tapir

      Sounds like a treat

    • KJM

      I’ll just camp out and someone else can do all the labor, thanks.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    i know it’s supposed to be a ‘whiff; choice–but i’m digging the powerslave cover-by testament— guitar harmony—shining thru in the notes—regardless of who the players might be

    also background vocals in thrash–sort of like in the beginning of the chorus–just at first

    could be a good incorporated element of thrash–tasteful

    • DDubya.

      The rest of that album is pretty solid

      • KJM

        Testament and Anthrax have stood the test of time as far as studio material goes, arguably the best of all the classic US Thrash bands,

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          Don’t tell Conan you said that

          • KJM

            I thought he liked Anthrax the best out of the big 4.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            He does, that’s why you shouldn’t tell him lol

        • Stanley

          I’m a big fan of Testament but the last album sounded a little tired to my ears. I usually love Skolnick’s solos but they were a little flat. I would say that Overkill is currently putting out the best stuff amongst the old guys.

          • KJM

            I’ve never been that big on Overkill even way back when so that might color my judgement. I still consider myself lucky to have seen them during the late 80s though.

            Neither Testament nor Anthrax will ever put out music as powerful as their early stuff ever again, but they still do far better than Slayer, Megadeth, and especially Metallica.

    • KJM

      I didn’t think it was such a bad cover. I’ve heard worse.

    • BLVKKBEVRD

      testament did 911

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    @Scrimm & @Rusty I like those covers

    • Scrimm

      I’m so sorry for you. I must reiterate I don’t dislike Testament but I’d rather nail my sac to the floor than listen to Chuck try and do justice to Bruce.

  • Stanley

    I can’t stop listening to this today. Please, someone help!

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8NsFx6iVOaA

  • I’M ON VACATION!

    Fuck the “Punk goes Pop” compilation series. Fuck it so hard. Especially since there isn’t a single “punk” band featured on them; it’s just a bunch of shitty metalcore.

    • old_man_doom

      Preciously

  • Virgil the Ghost Poet

    Eric Burdon is one Bad MF!!!!
    Did you know that he lost a million dollars? Twice?

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    sometimes–you can tell across the land–
    whispering on the winds—

    as the shawnee-and the phoenix lights—and the grinning and laughing grows louder
    time for change
    and freedom from the bad people
    all 3 at once–1st and 2nd vids muted
    3rd vid 100%vol

    http://youtu.be/cwDS7CoiGLs

    http://youtu.be/UozWJTuhbMQ

    http://youtu.be/EPOIS5taqA8

    • FeelTheDarkness

      I voted for Clinton………twice

      • KJM

        1st time yes, 2nd time no, and I’ll be voting 3rd party in 2016.

  • And I paused my daily Katatonia listening for this?!?!!?!

  • J.R.

    m/

  • Sadly, I actually remember these two whiffers (Evanescence sucks undead monkey balls as is, but this band did the unthinkable and made it even worse). Might wanna stand back from the computer before these two murder your nose hairs!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mssx3KptQMM
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWdTdnoxtUA

  • Holy shit, I won?!! Thanks, everyone! My manhood has been engorged!