Whiff o’ the Week (10/26/14)

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“The greatest mystery the universe offers is not life but size. Size encompasses life, and the Tower encompasses size. The child, who is most at home with wonder, says: Daddy, what is above the sky? And the father says: The darkness of space. The child: What is beyond space? The father: The galaxy. The child: Beyond the galaxy? The father: Another galaxy. The child: Beyond the other galaxies? The father: No one knows.

“You see? Size defeats us. For the fish, the lake in which he lives is the universe. What does the fish think when he is jerked up by the mouth through the silver limits of existence and into a new universe where the air drowns him and the light is blue madness? Where huge bipeds with no gills stuff it into a suffocating box and cover it with wet weeds to die?

“Or one might take the tip of the pencil and magnify it. One reaches the point where a stunning realization strikes home: The pencil tip is not solid; it is composed of atoms which whirl and revolve like a trillion demon planets. What seems solid to us is actually only a loose net held together by gravity. Viewed at their actual size, the distances between these atoms might become leaguse, gulfs, aeons. The atoms themselves are composed of nuclei and revolving protons and electrons. One may step down further to subatomic particles. And then to what? Tachyons? Nothing? Of course not. Everything in the universe denies nothing; to suggest an ending is the one absurdity.

“If you fell outward to the limit of the universe, would you find a board fence and signs reading DEAD END? No. You might find something hard and rounded, as the chick must see the egg from the inside. And if you should peck through the shell (or find a door), what great and torrential light might shine through your opening at the end of space? Might you look through and discover our entire universe is but part of one atom on a blade of grass? Might you be forced to think that by burning a twig you incinerate an eternity of eternities? That existence rises not to one infinite but to an infinity of them?

“Perhaps you saw what place our universe plays in the scheme of things – as no more than an atom in a blade of grass. Could it be that everything we can perceive, from the microscopic virus to the distant Horsehead Nebula, is contained in one blade of grass that may have existed for only a single season in an alien time-flow? What if that blade should be cut off by a scythe? When it begins to die, would the rot seep into our universe and our own lives, turning everthing yellow and brown and desiccated? Perhaps it’s already begun to happen. We say the world has moved on; maybe we really mean that it has begun to dry up.

“Think how small such a concept of things make us, gunslinger! If a God watches over it all, does He actually mete out justice for such a race of gnats? Does His eye see the sparrow fall when the sparrow is less than a speck of hydrogen floating disconnected in the depth of space? And if He does see… what must the nature of such a God be? Where does He live? How is it possible to live beyond infinity?

“Imagine the sand of the Mohaine Desert, which you crossed to find me, and imagine a trillion universes – not worlds but universes – encapsulated in each grain of that desert; and within each universe an infinity of others. We tower over these universes from our pitiful grass vantage point; with one swing of your boot you may knock a billion billion worlds flying off into darkness, a chain never to be completed.

“Size, gunslinger… size.

“Yet suppose further. Suppose that all worlds, all universes, met at a single nexus, a single pylon, a Tower. And within it, a stairway, perhaps rising to the Godhead itself. Would you dare climb to the top, gunslinger? Could it be that somewhere above all of endless reality, there exists a room?…

“You dare not.”

And in the gunslinger’s mind, those words echoed: You dare not.”

We are all insignificant, merely tiny fragments of dust particles adrift in the cosmic winds of change. All of our hopes, dreams, and aspirations are but a very tiny racket in a sea of cacophony. Celebrate your insignificance. This is Whiff o’ the Week.


W.

As you’ve surely discovered during your time here on this earth, everything inevitably decays. Friends move away; parents pass. We all spend our last moments truly alone. The world of metal is no different. As you grow, your love and affection for certain bands changes. Those who seemed to be the very best inevitably fail you, and you find yourself hoping that your mutual past will drift away into nothingness. Thus it is with Sonata Arctica. My champions, once reigning supreme in the field of battle, now loom as an empty husk of dead potential. The rapid decline from Unia onward is all the more poingant when compared to the re-release of majesty that is Ecliptica. Rest now, Sonata Arctica,


Papa Joe/Ghostflusher

7:00 in. In an album jam packed with completely tasteless bullshit this terrible riff stands head and shoulders above all the other terrible riffs.


Scrimm

Every single Van Halen song ever.


365 Days of Horror

JC can inspire their lyrics but can’t inspire their riffs.


Jack Bauer

This is a trillion times worse than Deafheaven.


SheWölf

CAN YOU SMELL THE WHIFF?


Jöhnny Crünch™

Probably shooting fish in a barrel here, but fuck this song. The whiff starts about 1.00 minutes into the song, and for some reason they thought they’d continue this abortion of a song for over 7 and a half minutes as a further fuck you to their fan base.


DeadButtDreaming

I nominate “Pulling Teeth” by Metallica. It’s a shitty bass solo, so much so that Lars coming in on drums halfway through actually makes it more interesting.The bass solo is akin to a drum solo, where the drummer is reduced to just using the cymbals. No one listens to an album because of the bass or drum solos. No one gives a fuck. Cliff wasn’t the Godsend of a bassist that people make him out to be. A good portion of his talent is built up by the legacy of his death.


Masterlord SteelDragon

My whiff this week is the Beechcraft E18S twin-engined aircraft for killing Jim Croce. Fuck planes.


Alright fellow travelers of the void, time now to vote on the biggest insult to cosmic order in our first ever Poll o’ the Weak!

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 26-10-2014 09:00:00
end_date 27-10-2014 00:00:00
Poll Results:
Which of these songs is the biggest insult to cosmic order

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

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  • KJM

    Rings of Saturn = Best Riff Ever

    • Gurp

      Joe secretly loves Rings of Saturn.

      • KJM

        Don’t we all? ^_^

        • What was going on at the studio that the entire band decided “This riff ISNT annoying as fuck and we need to record it”? I’m baffled.

          • I think they were trying to catch people off guard or something, it worked.

          • Scrimm

            I thought it was a play on all the guitar pro accusations they got.

          • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

            Well to be fair, it might have sounded a bit different when they tracked it at half time.

          • BOOM!

          • MoshOff

            lol @ “taste” in “teach-death”. Uncompatible strings.

  • Gurp

    Oh, so we are voting on the thing that everyone hates the most?

    • W.

      We give the people what they want.

      • Xan

        The president’s moto!

  • Scrimm

    I want to vote for them all.

    • Xan

      I agree. I had to go with yours. I really dislike Van Halen.

      • Scrimm

        As do I. Good choice. I’m feeling especially anti power metal this week so I had to go with W.

        • Xan

          I’m a big fan of power metal but I did not like Sonata Arctica’s new album.

          • God

            Ditto. A lot of times with their songs I’m just like, really?

          • W.

            As I said, they’ve sucked since Unia.

    • W.

      There are really only two Van Halen songs I ever want to hear: Hot for Teacher and Panama.

      • Scrimm

        I can almost stand those.

      • God

        Saw Chevelle with Kyng a while back and Kyng did an AMAZING thrashy cover of hot for teacher. Tons of fun.

      • Jöhnny Crünch™

        How you can’t rock out to Everybody Wants Some is beyond me. Particularly after seeing Woody Harrelson firing guns in the air to that tune in Zombieland

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    That Mortiis is unironically awesome, it makes me want to wang all the chung and go clubbing in the 80’s and I don’t even like wanging chung or clubbing.

  • W.

    FYI: If you have something you’d like to flush, you can enter it into the Other box!

    • Lacertilian

      W. did you write that intro to the article?
      After seeing Escher, I had to investigate and found the ponderings of either:
      a) a chemistry student bent on psychedelics or
      b) the ramblings of a cult-dwelling old-timer who used to dabble in theoretical astro-physics circa 1973.
      Which is it?

      • W.

        Actually, it’s one of my favorite passages from one of my favorite books, “The Gunslinger” by Stephen King.

        • Lacertilian

          I’ve never read a Stephen King book, yes, there I said it.
          I will now return to the corner.

          • W.

            Well, you should definitely give the Dark Tower series a try.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Listening to Radikult for the first time. I don’t much care for boast songs in metal at the best of times, but good grief, this is… a bit embarassing.t

    • W.

      Have you listened to “I’m Morbid”?

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Listening now. Pretty cringy, but at least circling cheesy goodness this time. Liked the solo and stuff.

        • W.

          There’s something endearing about how aloof Evil D’s lyrics were on this album.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I suppose at least he doubled down. If you’re going to go a route like that, you gotta double down.

          • W.

            He got Too Extreme! with it.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Extremely maximum extreme to the max.

          • God

            We’re too extreeeeeeeme!!! *squeeky guitar fill*

      • Jöhnny Crünch™

        Should’ve nominated that instead 🙁

  • Death

    Van Halen is absolute shit.

    • W.

      Scrimm would agree with you.

      • Death

        That’s why I voted for him.

        • Scrimm

          I knew I could count on you for this one.

          • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

            i say this with the untmost respect

          • Scrimm

            I stand by my pick.

    • i’m going to pretend i didn’t read either of those statements.

      • Death

        But you did. You can’t unsee it.

    • IronLawnmower

      Radikult is abs shite mate.

      • Death

        I like Radikult more than their early shit.

    • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

      just because you are cantankerous and mean.

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    A vote against VAN HALEN is a vote against TITS.

    • Death

      A vote against Van Halen is a vote for good music.

    • *flushes SCRIMM for the weekend

      • Death

        *flushes McNulty for flushing a good man for the weekend*

      • Scrimm

        I was waiting for that.

        • more beer

          Their entire catalog that is pure hatred! Of this I approve.

        • *FLUSH with the greatest amount of respect

    • Max

      And a vote against TITS is a vote against LIFE.

      • more beer

        A vote against tits deserves death!

      • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

        ……….eddie, that rascal

    • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

      Van halen are one of THE only bands who can be heavy without over the top distortion. EVH – no doubt the most fluid player to ever lay a hand on a six string.

      • anyone who doesn’t like the main riff from Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love is fooling him/herself

    • Zapp Brannigan

      Hmmmmm, what could possibly make a man vote AGAINST boobies.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    I just realized you can vote infinitely

    • W.

      You shouldn’t be able to. I think I fixed it.

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        Nope, still can

        • W.

          Are you sure? I just tried to vote for other, and it told me I could only vote once.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            It’s fixed now

        • WELL DON’T DO IT.

      • Max

        I’m now at work on a different computer and it looks like I can cast my vote again if I so choose.

        • W.

          I think it keeps track by IP addresses.

  • FeelTheDarkness

    Has anyone on here ever seen Cliff Burton live?
    I have and that cat was a monster on bass,yeah Pulling Teeth isn’t the greatest thing ever but to say he sucked is just dead wrong. That guy had more talent than the rest of the band combined.

    • W.

      I have not. I knew DeadButtDreaming’s entry would be polarizing, but it seems good to have one thread a week for us to just get it all out.

      • FeelTheDarkness

        I agree. But I will defend Cliff but not the rest of them.

        • W.

          I’m going to share a secret with you because we’re pals. …And Justice for All might be my favorite metal album of all time.

          • KJM

            I’m a “1st 4 albums” Metallica fan. There is no toilet large enough for the rest of their catalog.

          • FeelTheDarkness

            They lost me on the Black album but i did pick up Death Magnetic when it came out.

          • Death

            I’m more of an “all Metallica albums down the toilet fast” fan.

          • FeelTheDarkness

            That’s a shame that you don’t dig the first 4.

          • KJM

            That’s nice, dearie.

          • FeelTheDarkness

            I love that album too. And I will always wonder what it would have sounded with Cliff. No offense to Newstead because the 3 other turds fucked him in that deal.

          • TrickleDownTacoRiff

            Damn good album for sure!

    • Death

      You are aware that the drum god is part of that band?

      • FeelTheDarkness

        I had no idea Gene Hogan played for them!!!

        • Death

          Is Gene Hogan Hulk Hogan’s son?

          • FeelTheDarkness

            Possibly. I didn’t realize I spelled it wrong. Thanks for pointing it out.

          • Death

            No problem, matey.

    • DeadButtDreaming

      No one listens to any of the Metallica albums and notes the bass actually playing an intetesting role in the album. Cliff was an alright bassist that suddenly became better because he flew out of a bus.

      • FeelTheDarkness

        Maybe people you talk to but I know a ton of people who ha very nothing but respect for his playing that aren’t Metallica fans at all. And as for the way he died you don’t have to be an ass about it.

      • Old Man Hetfield

        HUNT YOU DOWN WITHOUT MERCY!!!

        #WhenAManLiesHe
        MurdersSomePartOfTheWorld

      • Lacertilian

        The bass interlude in Orion is pretty fucking memorable.
        To Live Is To Die was supposedly created using a few of his ideas.
        He had an interesting role on the albums he played on, but yes, as with any decent dead musician, you get the ‘RIP x’ bandwagon tools.

  • IronLawnmower

    I flush this

    https://nuclearwarnowproductions.bandcamp.com/track/noise-vomiters

    Being raw as fuck can only get you so far before your music loses any and all merit.

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      thirty three seconds of nothing (the bad way). NuclearWarNow!, I am disappoint.

      • IronLawnmower

        Sorry I can’t hear you over the BAAAAAAAR BARR BARRR BAAAAAAAH BAAAAAAAH RAH BAAAHHHH BAAAHHHHH AND DOODODODODOODODODODODODODODODO and BANG BANG TISH BANG BANG TISH

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          All I heard was, WOOOOSSSHHHHWOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHWWWOOOOOSSSSHHHHHHHWWWOOOSSHHHH. You sir, have an extremely good hearing. Inhumane I might add, to notice so many nuances

          • IronLawnmower

            On another listen it sounds more like BANG BANG BANG CLANG for the “drums”

            They literally didn’t have a drum kit they had to improvise a home made one.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Hey, when you click on the buy now/buy merch link all that pops up is Page Not Found. I suppose that says enough.

            And yes, it does sound like clanging the second time.
            (I can’t believe I just listened to it twice)

          • IronLawnmower

            In fairness it was a compilation of demos from the late 80s brazil that NWN re-released. I don’t know why the fuck it needed to be rereleased or who the hell would want to buy it however.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            OH GOD. THERE’S 43 SONGS MORE!!

            THE HORROR. THE HORROR. THE HORROR.

          • IronLawnmower

            ALL OF THEM SHITE. There are sarcofago covers and everything.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu
          • IronLawnmower

            Just because something is old and raw and was recorded in a cave doesn’t automatically make it good like a certain subset of the metal community seem to think.

          • old_man_doom

            Fuck yeah. +1 I like rawness but if I can’t hear what the fuck is going on in the song, then it’s weak, not raw.

  • God

    I will defend that morbid angel album till the day I die.

    • Death

      So you’ll defend it for eternity?

      • God

        Yes indeedy dandy

        • Death

          I’m gonna be using “indeedy dandy.”

      • JWG

        …and yet, if ‘Supernatural’ has taught me anything (and it’s not much since I gave up on the show after S5 e.22) it’s that not even God can escape Death.

        http://youtu.be/MhgHjswb1cw?t=1m15s

        • Death

          Well, I won’t kill him if he keeps on rustling those Tool fanboy jimmies.

    • Sponge Of Mystery

      SAME

  • Now, I’m going to suffer thru all the hate for this that you guys can muster. Something in me likes the new Rings of Saturn. You can flush me now, cruel, cruel toilet. 🙁 http://media.giphy.com/media/Ha1WsJnaxPuFy/giphy.gif

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      Listening to them for the first time now and I don’t hate what I’m hearing, it just doesn’t seem to have much in the way of songcraft. So the fun sci-fi/video game vibes are constantly broken up by generic chugging and growling and it all kinda blends into one long song.

      • Well, yeah. I didn’t say it was brilliant. I just cant be a pvrist like some of these dudes. I guess I just need a breakdown every now and then.

    • Gurp

      I think they’re a fun band, but they are incapable of writing an actual riff to save their lives. Makes their material suffer a lot in the long run.

    • Max

      I actually ended up listening to over three minutes of it from Joe’s cue-point before I realized what I was doing. The only reason I stopped was because there was a rest in the music and I figured that was a good stopping point.

      I understand what everybody is saying about how they can’t write “good” riffs or whatever. And obviously the music itself is pretty pointless showing off. But something about their approach really intrigues me.

      • I think if they could pull it off live there wouldn’t be so much hate. This can be said for a bunch of bands that people do praise, though.

        • MoshOff

          For me it isn’t so much that the riffs aren’t good, it’s that it sounds so much like a guitar pro file it stopped being amusing after like two minutes.

          I understand when tech bands do a section over and over in the studio, it saves time. But there a re ways to do that without it sounding like a glorified MIDI demo. Just listen to the guest Rusty Cooley solo on the latest album and how different it sounds from every other “guitar” on the recording. Yeah.

          • Which track is it? I think when it comes to bands like Rings of Saturn (there are plenty of other “over-the-top” production bands in lots of genres, not just metal), you have to take it at face value. Furthermore, who doesn’t like midi tracks? You must not have played enough video games as a kid =P (edit: also as an adult. like right now)

          • MoshOff

            It’s on Infused, around the 12:40 in the full album video. You can tell becasue it’s the only thing that sounds like it wasn’t programmed.

      • TrickleDownTacoRiff

        I bought the album last week free and enjoy it free of shame! If I’m a dumbass so be it!

    • Psst. Me too. Don’t tell anyone.

  • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

    …………..can’t argue with Sammy
    headbangers in leather, sparks flying in the middle the night…………….https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQE1Q1NILfQ

  • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

    JFAC – everything – they have jumped on so many bandwagons their legs are muscular like a t-rex while their torso and arms remains weak, only able to play their baby metal.

    • Not defending JFAC, but they seem to be in better shape than a lot of bands. (edit: how beef-cakey were you when you were in your teens? i know when i was that age i didn’t have an arm like a cannon and a cock like Burmese python)
      http://www.metal-archives.com/images/4/2/6/3/42638_photo.jpg?5338

      • Death

        How do you know that their cocks are that long?

        • the other context is that mine is that long. in reality, an Eastbound and Down quote.

          • DEATH’S FUCKIN’ OUT.

          • does that mean I’M FUCKIN IN?

          • YOU’RE FUCKIN RIGHT STEVIE

          • I’d like to point out that Shelby, NC is < 2hrs from me. And Sha-boom-booms is a real gentleman's club in that town.

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgDaVLCaBzQ

            "not trying to be the best at exercising" lololol

          • W.

            I haven’t seem a lot of this show, but what I have seen is hilarious.

          • The first season is completely unflushable. After that ehhhhhhhh

          • Jöhnny Crünch™

            The gold standard

          • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

            i started watching it backwards , last season first by accident, so it is only going to get funnier if i watch it that way. I pretty much laugh through the whole thing. It all boils down to is how funny you think danny mcbride is. I think he is hysterically funny.

    • they were young and dumb, they matured. and not “matured” like slowed down, they got better at riffs, leads, and solos. they shred now!

      • Death

        They’re still pretty damn bad.

        • YOU DON’T LIKE METAL

          • Death

            Excuse you? I don’t like metal? That’s silly!

      • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

        troll 4 life

        • no, i love JFAC. Ruination, Gloom EP, and Demonocracy are unflushable, modern death metal compositions.

          if you haven’t heard them, i recommend giving it a shot. you might surprise yourself.

          • Would say it might be “unflushable” but i’m not going to give them that much credit for their past releases. this new one, however, seems promising. though, from what i’ve heard it lacks a bit on the production side, the mix is a bit off.

          • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

            i meant i was the troll.

          • whoops

      • Scrimm

        And they’re pretty egotastic too.

      • Jöhnny Crünch™

        Don’t be silly, don’t you know that once a band starts they are not allowed to stray from the past? Better music opportunities be damned lest you be labelled a trend hopper.

        Lolbuttz at death metal being a trend to hop on btw.

  • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

    dork throne

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      I feel like even if you don’t like the music much Fenriz is too likeable a guy to bag on Darkthrone too much.

      • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

        no , darkthrone are untouchable, yea if you just read the comment it’s confusing.

      • The Satan Ov Hell

        But Fenriz is definitely the most likeable man in metal. Humble post man by day, humble black metal artist by night!

    • that’s actually a pretty sweet neck tattoo.

      • …brah

        • except you can’t see the tattoo that reaches up my neck a little because of my impeccable beard. i think it makes me less of a brah

      • MoshOff

        I like it, it’s like a “punch here” sign.

    • The Black Dahlia Burger

      If anything isn’t this a good thing knowing that bands like Bring Me the Horizon listen to stuff like Dark Throne? Idk man, i see that and think “wow, that’s awesome”

      • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

        i see your point , phil used to do it a lot , i wore a darkthrone to a pantera show once and there was quite an uproar in the line waiting to get in when someone saw it and was astounded somone was supporting black metal.

  • Howard Dean

    That quote from The Gunslinger has stuck with me since the first day I read it. Complete mindfuck from Monsieur King. That entire meeting between Roland and Randall/Walter in the desert was trippy. What a great series

    • W.

      HD, my man! I’ve talked a lot with Stockhausen and Randall Thor about that series.That passage I quote here blew my mind when I first read it years ago.

  • Sponge Of Mystery

    David Vincent and I must be the only 2 people who actually like that Morbid Angel album

    • W.

      @rottingcarcass:disqus does too.

      • Sponge Of Mystery

        too bad DV hates God

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    people all over the world—opening their minds—there are no “conspiracy theories”—only various degress of lies–that are being uncovered—more and more everyday–

    by the true beasts//gathering on the internet-

    911 truth—the true heroes–giving the maidens the love dream of the earth—to the fullest–that is possible–in this life incarnation

    –there is always cryptozoology,time travel,extraterrestrials, and the rarely discussed “gay ufos”–for others

    good luck!!
    —-
    watch the first vid (muted)–
    while listening to the other two 100% vol

    gay ufos
    http://youtu.be/9QZxsM8xWFA

    in living color -wayans bros
    http://youtu.be/2OKwRsnWO84

    elton john – jeannie
    http://youtu.be/Wlz6mTyiMZc

  • TrickleDownTacoRiff

    I’m getting the gist now:

    WHIFFS= SUCK! 🙁

    Riffs= KICK ASS! 🙂

  • iamultraman

    That Rings Of Saturn riff, why the hell do people listen to that band?