Whiff o’ the Week (10/19/14)

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“Rags and ruin of all that was human, leaching the force of collective design. Heroes and rapists, they all have nice faces, but who decides, who defines, who draws the lines?” -Warrel Dane. We live in the age of decay. Wisdom and foolishness. Truth and deception. Beauty and ugliness. We have lost sight of the absolutes and revel in the filth. This is a celebration of our slow march to the burial grounds. This is Whiff o’ the Week.


W. 

A wise man once told me that all celebrity bands are terrible, and he was absolutely right. With all this talk of Will Smith this week, I thought I’d politely remind everyone that Jada Pinkett Smith has a band. Wicked Wisdom are a glorification of mediocrity. FFO fourth-tier nü-metal or djent.


Xan

Dark Fortress=Lolbuttz.


Death

Oh no. This is probably the worst possible outcome of a metal band and a rapper collaborating. I would rather listen to power metal than this garbage. Also the music video is just amazingly horrible. I am glad that you guys can’t understand the lyrics. You ain’t losing anything!


Randall Thor

It was the best of times. Death and black metal had begun to emerge from the underground. Thrash was ripping, even exploring progressive avenues. Power metal was in its infant stages. But alas, dark forces were lurking, ready to take it all away. Cowboys From Hell represents the fall of heavy metal and a dynamic change and split in its fanbase. This album is the single worst influence upon the history of heavy metal of all time. Before this album, there was no tough guy knuckle dragging BS in metal. Bands like Attila, Lamb of God, and Hellyeah would never have existed without this album. This song, album, and band are not only worthy of “whiff of the wheek,” but are worthy of “greatest whiff of all time.”


Papa Joe

Metal is a dynamic, expanding genre that continues to push boundaries in new and exciting directions. Unfortunately, there remains an unfortunate handful of D&D nerds that have delusions of being some kind of valiant knight while eating disgusting fried food in front of their computers. “But it’s fantasy!” you shriek through a mouthful of Totino’s pizza rolls. I get it dude, you want to fuck a dragon. Get an imagination that expands beyond the same bored-Tolkien tropes. Create something new instead of recreating the same tired riffs, and tropes, and cheesy operatic vocals of the last 30 years.


Steve Smithwick

This song is a blight on an otherwise enjoyable album. Dark Tranquillity create an interesting and powerful dark, atmospheric dynamic on a number of the songs on this album. However, this attempt at a depressed love ballad falls exceedingly flat. The guitars are boring. The vocals are boring. The story, ostensibly about a recurring dream where a woman who can’t speak is attempting to communicate with the lead singer, is mediocre. This is skip material. Skip it.


Cybernetic Organism

The worst of suburbcore.


Simon Phoenix

I could have picked any song from Rings of Saturd‘s newest, but that would be too easy. Instead we’re going with an oldie but not so goodie. It starts off fine, or at least tolerable for a terrible deathcore band covering a classic rock song. But then the bro-ness starts slowly creeping in, like the waste in your body from that Big Mac you ate an hour ago slowly making its way to your rectum and the sensation building up in the pit of your abdomen. Then at 2:37 these douchenuggets bass drop a steaming upper decker all over Jimi‘s grave and wipe it further on there with the heel of their boots. Srsly, fuck this band in their right ear for eternity for ruining this song. They are lucky this remained officially unreleased, or they would’ve gotten to know the business end of my flamethrower.


Jack Bauer

I think I’m gonna go kill myself now after listening to this. [W.-Don’t forget a towel!]


Bozlinger

If I was a 40 year old man trying to infiltrate a 10th grade lunch table…


Johnny Crunch

Pee-fucking-yew. This whole album fucking sucks and was the first in only a few missteps in Maiden‘s career. I love Maiden, but this one sure is a stinker.


SheWölf

Okay, we were discussing this song once again at band practice last night, because seriously, what in the hell is going on here??
I completely worship High on Fire, and absolutely adore Matt Pike, and I’ve never heard him do ANYTHING that was short of amazing, but when those solo vocals kick in at 1:10 I just can’t even… [W.- As evidence of my poserdom, I actually love this song]


Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    That art is a near Gigerian piece of madness. And a bloody marvelous one at that. Who be the artist behind this?

    • Gurp
      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        Danke

        • Gurp

          Denada.

        • W.

          As someone else mentioned in the thread where I first found it, he does a good job of blending Giger and Beksinski.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I must yet again admit my ignorance, I don’t know Beksinski

          • W.

            Oh dude! Beksinski rules. http://imgur.com/a/rCjBN

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            He seems awesome, I’m sure that yellowish military skeleton has been used as some album cover but I can’t remember what was it

          • W.

            A fair amount of his work has seen use in the metal world, but there’s definitely at least one rap album that uses the piece you’re referencing.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            WHAT!, but I don’t listen to rap.

            That said I already recognized some others, though I can’t recall a name for single one. Definitely keeping tabs on this guy from now on.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Ja, takk.

    • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

      however, their is a fine line between plagarism and homage as the cliche goes.

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        But I’d say this is homage still. I wouldn’t mix this with Giger’s work yet.

  • Gurp
    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      It’s not going too well, only 20 days left and only 22% achieved

      • Xan

        I would mostly attribute it to the fact that Brutality A) Aren’t a big band B) Some people don’t even know they’re back and C) Don’t want to give money to a band that they really aren’t even pumped about. I enjoyed all of Brutality’s albums but I don’t know as if I like it enough to buy a new one before I hear it.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          Makes sense, I haven’t even heard any of their albums completely, debut excluded

          • Xan

            As I said, I quite liked their three albums and the new EP but I stopped buying music before I heard it first. I’ve lost so much money to preordering things that I stopped doing it. Between music and video games it just isn’t worth it. Another problem is that the project has flexible funding which means they keep the money even if they don’t reach their goal. I don’t know whether they plan to go a cheaper route with the album if they don’t reach their goal. If they don’t, people are out a bunch of money. I don’t think it will get it’s funding. Crowd funding projects usually earn the bulk of their money on the first two days of being there and the final day. I just don’t think there is enough demand for a new Brutality album.

        • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

          they should hook up with a tiny label like hells headbangers, they are putting out niche records from south american old school metal bands on cassette no less. The home of nunslaughter as well. It’s no time to be proud for a band. Not everyone is going to be signed by metal blade, CM or nuclear blast in this day and age.

          • W.

            CM seems to be going downhill too

          • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

            yea, as far as signing metal bands go. They pushed boob babies for a whole year while leaving other bands out in the cold in the promotion department.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            because tittays

          • JWG

            They’ll probably do what The End (the record label obviously) has done and switch gradually-but-noticeably over a few-month period from mostly metal to near-exclusively signing washed-up Indie Rock bands that were Indie Rock bands before that became an official Genre Title.

          • Howard Dean

            This is actually really good advice. Bands should look for the smaller underground labels, even if they were once signed to NB or CM. I don’t think crowdfunding is always the answer, especially if you’ve been idle or out of tbr loop for awhile.

          • Xan

            Realistically, unless you are a “classic” OSDM band like Obituary or Morbid Angel, you probably can’t pull of a crowdfunding campaign of more than a couple thousand.

      • Gurp

        Yeah. The word hasn’t really been spread around, I only found out about it because one of the band members posted on the Facebook page of a venue they were playing.

  • Death

    I thought that Matty Mullins song wouldn’t come here from FFB. Damn you Jack!
    Edit: Also, Pantera fucking sucks! Good job Randall.

    • Bözlinger

      suck it!

      • Death

        Wow there mate! I don’t want any trouble with you.

        • Bözlinger

          go buy a few Pantera albums!

          • Death

            Nah, I’m going to pass because they suck. I don’t really want bad albums in my record collection.

          • Bözlinger

            ..

          • KJM

            I’m 47 and I’ve been listening to Metal pretty much my whole life. I do not own one single piece of music that has Phil Anselmo on it. It’s nothing personal against him, I’ve just never been motivated to buy/download anything he does.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I liked Down, I liked some songs on superjoint. I liked his show on Tuska this summer. Some solo, some superjoint, a couple Pantera songs, but no classics. I like Floods.

            On the rest I agree with his haters. Except Down has some good songs, but not good enough for me to buy.

          • KJM

            I’ve seen Pantera & Superjoint Ritual. Both times Phil was being a complete dick, and a whiny one at that. I’m sure it was the drugs talking but, so what?

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            He was sober at Tuska. Just picked his nose half the time. But that seemed more humorous than being a dick.

          • Death

            So you do own albums by power metal Pantera?

          • KJM

            Nope, no Pantera at all.

          • The Satan Ov Hell

            hair metal pantera you mean, they just named an album power metal.

          • Death

            Aaaand I’ve fucked up yet again.

    • your pick is a complete rocket (whiffly speaking)!!! i can’t vote yet, i want to hear all these. this may be a good sunday morning after all…

      • Death

        By the way, why is there never voting on whiff of the week?

        • Because it’s fucked up and weird to vote on the thing everyone hates the most.

          • Bözlinger

            but, Cowboys? hmmm

  • Bözlinger

    *wants to fight Randall*

    • SAME.

      • Bözlinger

        blasphemy

        • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

          you are right about slipknot.
          they are musical ebola spreading the disease of nu metal
          we must prepare for the wave of nu metal that will be upon us soon. Like the disaster of pompeii no one will listen until it is too late. Slipknot must be quarantined now, the future of our children is at stake. For chrissakes does a child buying this cd have to go into a coma for the govt. to see this peril.

          • Jöhnny Crünch™

            15 years into their career is a little late for that.

      • PREPARE YOURSELF, FOR THE POWER OF MY SWORD SHALL REND YOUR BONES TO DUST

        • QUIT TALKING ABOUT YOUR DICK ALL THE TIME. ITS WEIRD.

          • WARRIOR, MY DICK IS NAMED TIAMAT

          • J.R.

            Not Callandor? for shame.
            “The Stone of Tear will never fall, till Callandor is wielded by the Dragon’s hand.” – Karaethon Cycle

            See? cant get your rocks off if you don’t label it Callandor. just saying.

          • I am not that arrogant

    • i agree with you and disagree with you on your pick. .5: The Scary Skeleton Chapter is a totally decent metal album and makes up for that flushworthy All Hope Is Gone. the track you picked was just an intro, albeit one that’s going to be immediately stuffed into a locker…

      • I agree with you and disagree with you. .5: The Scary Skeleton Chapter is a totally flushworthy metal album just like All Hope Is Gone. The intro sets the tone for the rest of the album: terrible.

    • Mr.CustodialArts
      • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

        this video was great, the song is awesome too, i wanted to be phil so bad, he was just so cool, full of piss and vinegar and seemed like he was perpetually pissed off. I admire that.

      • Maerlyn

        So tuff. Much brootul.

    • MY STEEL YEARNS TO TASTE YOUR FLESH, POSER

      • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

        ………

      • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

        thanks for having a good sense of humor over the pantera thing. Hope i didn’t go overboard and offend you.

    • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

      Pantera is pure metal, not bro metal, they sold albums and filled arenas because they were good, not because they were popular. Slayer, megadeth, metallica & anthrax had stopped making good music at that point, they just ran out of steam. Metallica and slayer were and remain ” popular”. Their music isn’t good though. No one has liked it since 1990, not really. The first fight album was directly influenced by CFH. Talk about the teacher becoming the student. FBD – the heaviest metal album to ever debut at number one. A real barn burner, heavy as fuck, with everything metal is about. Dime isn’t a legend for nothing. Phil admits he was fucking asshole and has made ammends. It’s not their fault pantera has been adopted by the jocks ( what we now call the bro culture.) Sure, they started out glam, but they saw the error of their ways and never looked back. Metallica started out on the true path but strayed from metal with the loads and have never REALLY recovered from that metal betrayal. Slayer flirted with nu metal and have never made a good album since seasons. Anthrax ? – the bush years are 15 years of wasted time, like trying to win a drag race with only rims and no tires. Megadeth, they should have committed euthanisia when they released youthanasia.
      Also no prayer is not that bad, not that bad at all.
      Sorry to get all crazy in the toilet, but i know metal when i hear it, and from CFH on pantera never made a shit album. All phils side projects are incredibly consistent and heavy as well, except that viking crown black metal disaster.

      • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

        …………..

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Pantera sucks, get over it.

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    RANDALL, SheWolf, kindly get fucked…and after fucking MYSELF to the cheese anthem that is MAIDEN’S “HOOKS IN YOU”, I will keep the party goin’…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdpMx0-AlDs

    • Music is subjective and all but a couple of folks this week are just WRONG.

      • Cock ov Steele

        It’s all opinions, and I think some of them need to be fixed.

        (Cockney accent): ‘Fore their faces get right for a fixin.”

      • THOSE FOLKS BEING JOE AND HIS COHORTS

    • I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO MAN

  • FuckMeInTheEar666

    I do think Pantera have a smattering of legit quality tunes, but man oh man Cowboys From Hell is just embarrassing. High school cafeteria schlock of the worst kind.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    As soon as I saw that Petri Nygård song I knew we had THE WHIFF. One of the world’s worst rappers collaborating with the worlds easily most metallic Iskelmä band on a song so poor that calling it a steaming pile of excrement is a royal praise. That lyricism… Kill. Me. Now. (Then I pressed play on Matty Mullins, I just…)

    On a more important note, Warhorn is a good song from a great album, so is Chrysalis. Ugh!

    • SheWölf

      You’re right, Warhorn is a good song. It just happens to have some very unfortunate vocals. And I say this as gently and lovingly as I can because I am a huge Matt Pike fan. But seriously;
      “CAN YOU HEAR THE TUUUNNDAAAR”?
      It just kills me.

      • SheWölf

        Also, I’m just going to get this out of the way now too; That groovy riff on “Samsara”?? Duran Duran wrote it years ago… *ducks*
        http://youtu.be/6Uxc9eFcZyM

        • Guest

          (Now, if anyone needs me I’ll be in my tennis ball… )

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          No shame in ripping Duran Duran

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    “Before this album, there was no tough guy knuckle dragging BS in metal.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPgKYNaO0_U

    • IronLawnmower

      This is amazing.

    • KJM

      I usually save the herbs for after, but okay…

    • KJM

      I would also say any “tough guy”ness in this vid is fully tongue-in-cheek.

    • JWG

      See also: John Mikl ‘Thor’, whose entre career is defined by injecting a theatrically over-the-top kind of tough guy BS into something between hard rock and metal.

      http://www.thorcentral.com/

      Side note: I can’t decide whether or not the fact that the above website looks like it was made in 1994 is deliberate or not…

  • Death

    When did Vegeta join Slipknot?

    • Elite Extremophile

      inb4 over 9000 joke

      • Death

        Why’d you have to mention it? Now someone is going to do it!

        • W.

          How many flushes would you give Slipknot?

          • Death

            I haven’t listened to the new album, but I’d probably give the band about 4/5 flushes, but just because there is some good stuff on
            Mate. Feed. Kill. Repeat.

          • W.

            I set you up perfectly for the “Over 9000” joke…

          • Death

            I’ll never do it dude. Don’t try to make me do it.

          • W.

            pls

          • Death

            ….

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I feel like Scary Cory and his Knip Slips are probably getting on a bit to be still pushing the adolescent angst thing. They’re all like, 40 or something, they should write about old people stuff like butts and rainbows.

  • krisdaschwab912

    Petri Nygard is nothing more than the Finnish Pitbull. Unfortunately, that’s the equivalent of a plague.

    • Hilarious. I know of one writer around here that will totally dig him then!

      • W.

        Hey man, we bald guys gotta stick together.

  • Scrimm

    While No Prayer for the Dying is probably my least favorite Maiden I wouldn’t say the whole album sucks. Joe wins automatically cause Crapsody.

    • worse then the blaze bayley albums?

      • Scrimm

        Not by much but yes.

      • Jöhnny Crünch™

        Who is this Blaze Bayley you speak of?

        I refuse to even acknowledge those albums.

    • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

      I remember being somewhat dissapointed, like i was when i first heard grace under pressure. But iron maiden don’t make bad albums, and neither do rush. There is a consistency to IM that most bands don’t have. They have an invisible watermark, which they always reach. Sometimes they exceed the mark by a long ways but they never fall below the mark. That can’t be said for other bands like priest, the big 4, kiss, aeorsmith or any band that is considered “classic” & influential.

      • Scrimm

        Very well said. Even “bad” Maiden is still Maiden hahaha.

  • IronLawnmower

    But Pantera kick ass…

    Also turns out my band shares our name with this nazi/homophobe black metal band from Chile. What do?

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      Add (inthebutt) to your name.

      • IronLawnmower

        Bomber(inthebutt) brings up new mental images. I’m thinking maybe changing the name to the crucifucks but I’m indecisive.

        • There was def an 80s punk band called that.

          • IronLawnmower

            Are all the good names taken Joe?

          • Not at all! It’s just that people aren’t willing to get creative. As far as I know there’s no bands called Dildo Cult. Or Bee Tornado. Or Baraka Obama.

          • W.

            I thought of a perfect band name for a blackened grind band, but the instant I type it someone will snatch it and use it.

          • JWG

            I’ve done that at least twice (both on FFB). And so far, if the Metal Archives are anything to go by, neither name has been taken on by a band that has released anything. Admittedly both are kind of tongue-in-cheek, but still. Some of us do have a sense of humour.

            I’m actually most perplexed that my only truly ‘serious’ idea – a doom metal band called “Joseph Curwen” – hadn’t made it in there ages ago. Even a Google scan suggests it has only been taken by a ‘post-rave’ band, whatever the heck that is.

          • W.

            Joseph Curwen would be a legit name for an occult act.

          • IronLawnmower

            I really wanna do a band called CARBOMB CARBOMB CARBOMB CARBOMB. may be a one man band side thing. IDK

          • I’ll do a split with you. My project will be a party metal band called JAEGERBOMB JAEGERBOMB JAEGERBOMB.

          • IronLawnmower

            needs more JAEGERBOMB

          • W.

            Not now, champ. I’m in the zone!

          • Death

            There’s already a band called Car Bomb, but no CARBOMB CARBOMB CARBOMB CARBOMB.

          • IronLawnmower

            Just imagine someone shouting that over and over again while smashing shit. That’s what it sounds like.

          • KJM

            Dildonicus Et Saturnum Est!!

          • Stockhausen
          • Max

            The drummer for the Crucifucks was Steve Shelley, who later joined Sonic Youth; so they’re not exactly obscure, either.

        • W.

          Shellshocked Infantry!

          • IronLawnmower

            Good idea. The plan is keep the current name until we get angry spanish nazis.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          Or just put a prefix on bomber, Auto-, Xeno- or sumthin’

          • IronLawnmower

            Rectal?

          • W.

            Necrobomber.

          • IronLawnmower

            W. you should be a professional [s]quote[/s] bandname maker

          • W.

            I’m enlightened by my own intelligence.

          • IronLawnmower

            Mershen accamplashed?

          • Stockhausen

            Luckyyyy.

          • Gurp

            In this moment, are you euphoric?

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Rectalbomber: Posterior Assault

        • Cock ov Steele

          You can always used Sludgechurch.

  • W.

    For the record, I disagree with SheWolf, Randall, and Joe!

    • Mr.CustodialArts
      • W.

        Shoes I can dodge. Hawks, not so much.

        • more beer

          At least they don`t throw steel toed boots at you!

      • Scrimm

        The look on his face between the first and second shoe is priceless.

      • Gurp
    • Elite Extremophile

      Matt Pike’s voice is like a cloud of smoke and puddle of booze learned to talk.

      • W.

        That is probably the best description of his voice I’ve ever heard.

    • DISAGREE AND FACE PERIL

      • W.

        True warriors cook their own meals.

        • ………… I have forgotten the face of my father

          • W.

            Hold fast, for there is yet a chance for redemption.

          • Does a microwave count?

          • W.

            A paltry conjurer of spell’s trick.

          • Stockhausen

            A conjurer of cheap tricks, unlike Mithrandir.

      • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

        …………

  • Sponge Of Mystery

    Randall is afraid to show his face because he knows that he made us all…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E929gqIcwwI

    • lolbuttz

      lolbuttz.

      • Sponge Of Mystery

        thank you

    • HEY MAN, WHAT IS THIS!? SOUNDS LIKE WAIL OF A WIMP!

      • Sponge Of Mystery

        Yea well my comment has more likes than yours! That means i win

      • Maerlyn

        No, no, didn’t you hear him? He’s “fucking hostile”! He used an F-bomb. He must be very macho.

  • DeadButtDreaming

    I am going to fight Papa Joe.

    • lolbuttz

      lolbuttz

  • Stockhausen

    I stand with you, Randall!

    And also a little bit with Joe.

    • Leif Bearikson

      You’re dead to me.

      • Stockhausen

        Hehehe, do you get it? Leif BEARikson? Like Erikson, but BEAR? Hehehehehehehehe. Heh.

        • W.

          You’re dead to me.

          • Stockhausen

            Yeh more dead teh me then yeh dead motha.

        • Death

          10/10

  • KJM

    Whether or not you care for their music(I don’t), Randall is correct. For the most part, before Pantera & The Black Album(i.e. The 90s) came along Metal was the exclusive domain of locker dwelling nerds and party freaks(except for a few outliers). The closest the jocks came to that ish during the 80s was AC/DC and that’s because they were popular.

  • KJM

    As far as Papa Joe’s pick goes, I’ll let Skwisgaar speak for me…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxzGkqLIkTw

  • WHO DARES CHALLENGE THE DRAGON REBORN!?

  • Simon Phoenix

    Ugh I forgot how horrendously bad Wicked Wisdom were. Flush Will Smith and his entire talentless family down the porcelain throne.

    • W.

      If we did that, though, we wouldn’t get to hear Jayden’s wisdom.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Jesus fucking christ no kidding

    • CyberneticOrganism

      …duuuuhhhh

  • old_man_doom

    Whoa. I will usually listen through every entry in order to make an informed decision on what is the worst of the worst, but not this time: Death’s entry stopped me right in my tracks. That’s it. Game Over, man. Game Over. None more flush-worthy.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Holy fucking motherfucking fuck, that video was terrible.

  • Death
  • Link D. LeonhⒶrt V.

    awwww.. We Are the Void is one of my fav albums ever.. very funny list, btw..

  • TrickleDownTacoRiff

    “If I was a 40 year old man trying to infiltrate a 10th grade lunch table”…I’m feeling a little self conscious right now…