Which Metal Band Does Your Favourite Game Of Thrones Character Enjoy?

Did you read the title? 

Good. I’m glad you read the title, it will ensure vitriol and disappointment when you realise you have wasted your time. Time you could have wasted watching all your precious characters die on that disappointing show. The very same show that encapsulates your conversations with other humans, no matter their futile attempts to tell you they don’t watch the show. You see, everyone is disappointed in something. For some, it’s a certain Ketzer album. For others, a new Gojira song. There are even people who see their entire trivial life as the barren plane of insignificant endeavours and hollow encounters that it truly is. Some sick fucks seem to crave disappointment, the kind that can only be acquired via submitting something that isn’t low-hanging fruit for Riff of the Week here each Saturday.

So as yet another season of Game of Thrones commences, to add to your disappointment we’ve decided to make the definitive list of which metal band best represents your most loved/hated characters. As I don’t really pay attention to the show nor read the books, I’ve enlisted the aide of Mrs. Lizard to correct my crude assumptions of each character’s persona. I could just watch the show, but that would be a disappointing waste of time.


Arya Stark

arya

Survivor. Orphan. List-maker.

Who would Arya listen to?

Ned Stark

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Destined to die. Good guy. But dead.

Who would Ned Stark listen to?

Cersei Lannister

tumblr_mfzc4faRWB1qhd14co4_250

Hedonist. Regal. Incestuous.

Who would Cersei listen to?

Hodor

“Hodor.”

Who would Hodor listen to?

Melisandre

Melisandre_HBO_Got_S5

Burns things.
Who would Melisandre listen to?

The Hound/Sandor Clegane

mccan-306-1396892254

Big scarred prick.
Who would Sandor listen to?

Daenerys Targaryen

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Mother of dragons (Therefore, dragon fucker?)
Who would Daenerys listen to?

Petyr Baelish

tumblr_npjabfaySV1trd5i3o1_1280-193

Moustache-twirling quasi-paedophile.
Who would Baelish listen to?

That Dead One

download

You know the one. The one that died in that episode that time.

What about that dead guy?

Disappointed with the results? Good.


(Image via, via, via, viavia, via, via, via, via, via)

  • Lacertilian

    Bonus Round: Name the band logos used to make the dank header image text (in order).

  • Dubs

    Arya is obviously Judas Priest cuz she’s screamin’ for vengeance. Also, I have never seen an episode of the show.

  • Stockhausen

    Knowing nothing about anything past the first two episodes, I wanted to shout SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRRR for each one.

  • Jason Kolkey

    Best click bait poll ever.

    • Lacertilian

      I’m simultaneously humbled and ashamed.

  • Edward/Breegrodamus™

    I picked some winners in the polls today.

    I’m skeptical about the first episode of the new season.

  • I almost lost it when I saw Nicole 12 for Baelish. Holy fucking shit.

  • hieronymus bossk

    I’ve never watched this show. Which one of these characters loses Faythe?

    • Dubs

      Lady Stoneheart

    • all of them

    • tigeraid

      EMPEROR. NAFARYUS.

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        King Missile.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      For a second, I thought you were talking about the character from Dream Theater’s ‘The Astonishing’.

      • hieronymus bossk

        I might have been via a thinly veiled dis.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Nope. It’d be a compliment if anything, since ‘The Astonishing’ is in my top 20 for this year so far.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I’m going to give this a big resounding NOPE. Fuck that shitty album.

  • people did Arya wrong.

    hodor was the hardest choice. i picked Hellyeah because hes supposed to be a halfwit

    • Picked Slayer, because their shitty fans can’t stop shouting their name.

  • brokensnow

    Im more of a wheel of time guy.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      I love that series! Hoping that Jordan’s estate finally settles everything and gets the final book out there.

  • No Solace has all the Mgla LP’s back in stock. Including With hearts toward none which I just picked up. Figured I’d pass it on.

    http://store.no-solace.com/category/vinyl

    • FUCK WHY ISNT IT FRIDAY

      • man, i had to tap in to my rainy day LP fund for that

    • Stockhausen

      I may need to pick up that With Hearts Toward None. Thanks for the info.

      • It’s was a must buy. Been looking for it for 2 years now.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          I vaguely remember them saying that they weren’t going to release it on a physical format. I guess they changed their mind.

          • I don’t remember that. It was pressed once already before.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Probably on a very limited basis from what I can tell.

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      You are the man.

    • RJA

      nice! I figured when they said Exercises would stay in print that they might bring With Hearts back in print. I like you have been waiting for years.

  • EsusMoose

    Voted for the option that probably had the least votes. Got about half right

  • Eliza

    I’ve only seen random parts of this show if if happened to be on TV while I was watching, so I don’t know any of the characters besides Daenerys, for some reason. The choices for her are perfect. Also, a friend of mine (as in, my only friend) has the books, and they seem to be pretty awesome. Are they?

    • do it now

    • Dubs

      The first three books are solid. Opinions on the others vary.

      • I’ve never read the books nor seen the show, but I appreciate how much shit the writers at Deadspin are giving George RR Martin about his inability to write.
        http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/grrm-has-no-pages-1750057530

        • Dubs

          He gon die before he finishes Winds of Winter.

          • He looks like a living heart attack.

          • ¡Jajajajaja!

          • Spear

            No character is safe, including the version of himself he crafted that actually cares about finishing the series.

          • tigeraid

            Our lord and saviour Brandon Sanderson will swoop in and save the day again. He should make a living just finishing series written by dead authors.

          • Dubs

            Their styles are very incongruous, but that would certainly be an interesting way to end the series.

          • nbm02ss

            I hope he both has someone in mind to finish the books, and they’re a quality author (not that Martin is infallible, but I’d hate to read shit tier fan fiction.)

          • EsusMoose

            I’m pretty sure he didn’t want anyone writing the series if he died, which won’t be honored cause the next book will sell like they’ve laced the pages with crack so someone is gonna finish it.

          • Dubs

            What bothers me is that he’s taken so freaking long to write these that the online guessing game of secret Targaryens and the weird rabbit trails the show supposedly takes have undoubtedly influenced his plot.

          • EsusMoose

            Yeah they probably do, I think he said in a recent interview that he’s watching how people react to certain plots in the show. I could see him throwing out a bunch of chapters if there’s a twist he feels fell flat or came off poorly.

          • i doubt he will go the Robert Jordan route

          • EsusMoose

            I didn’t read wheel of time but from what I’ve heard the guy who finished it was like la la yaddah yaddah oh shit everything is back together and now it’s over! I’m probably very wrong but I zoned out when my friend was complaining about it

          • i actually think he did a good job finishing the series, and he was a little less long-winded than Jordan which was a positive change

        • Pentagram Sam

          I just get the vibe that he’s old, he likes being famous, and he doesn’t give a fuck about finishing his books cos everyone swings from his nuts. For having such a small output of work and then having his “opus” be turned into one of the biggest TV shows in years, he prob doesn’t WANT to write anything new cos it would be a disappointment to the huge high his creation is at now. Why fuck it up with new material?

      • Spear

        As one of my friends put it, book four is just 300 pages of Daenerys sitting in a pyramid.

        • Dubs

          And moping.

          • EsusMoose

            And sex

          • Eliza

            Sounds like fun to me!

          • EsusMoose

            You’d think. But book 4 is like getting dragged underneath a large weight by a car going the speed limit over broken cd cases

          • Eliza

            So by the end you feel more dead than alive?

          • EsusMoose

            After the greatness that is the first 3 books? yeah it’s awful

          • Eliza

            Nothing good can last forever.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          And only 27 scenes of dragon fucking

    • EsusMoose

      Fun ride of a series

  • brokensnow
  • re: Ned Stark…….SPOILER ALERT!!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwrvDwIw5is

  • tigeraid

    I enjoy Game of Thrones. I enjoy Metal. This is quality content.

    I really think you’re not giving Littlefinger enough credit though. I feel like he’d listen to Nihilistic music, like Nevermore perhaps.

    He might be my favourite character in fantasy fiction. And my favourite quote in all of fantasy fiction is his, and it’s metal as fuck:

    “Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail,
    and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some are given a
    chance to climb, but refuse. They cling to the realm, or love, or the
    gods…illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is.”

  • <——"sick fuck"

  • not sure about Cersei, but Lena Heady probably definitely listens to the White Stripes.

  • I know a lot people love this show, but the fact that you have to sit down every week and watch a soap opera is a chore. I’d rather just watch a movie and be done with it. Don’t let my words take away from your enjoyment, i’d do away with cable entirely if I didn’t want to watch a half hour of a Yankees game to see them lose everyday.

    • brokensnow

      You an NY local?

      • Close, NJ. About a half-hour from NYC with no traffic.

        • brokensnow

          ah, no local channels?

          • No I have cable, just saying that I would get rid of it if I didn’t want to watch baseball.

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      I wait for the release and watch 2 episodes per night. Kinda like movies

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Lol, Cubs fans feel your pain, many times over (I’m a Sox fan, when I actually bother to watch baseball). They make the Yankees look like the Pippen/Jordan/Hardaway Bulls.

      • Might be the Cubs year, would be cool to see and the networks would love the potential viewing audience for that run to a WS title.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Go Yankees!

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Go White Sox!

          FTFY

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I am so sorry.

  • nbm02ss

    Sansa would be a great fit for Type O Negative:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ws5UUPUg7V0

    • I feel like Sansa is gonna become the most ruthless character on the show. She isn’t gonna trust anyone and is gonna have a massive chip on her shoulder.

      • nbm02ss

        I was hoping for a character melding of Sansa and another book character, that I think would’ve fit perfectly with how Sansa was tormented and tortured, but with only two more seasons planned I doubt it happens.

        • Yea they will probably make her really likable and then kill her.

      • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

        She is ready to cut people.

        • Her and Dany should team up and just fuck everyone up.

        • nbm02ss

          I hope she’s more of the hanging people type.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            That would work too

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    Tyrion’s least favorite song:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sX6I2NrguAs

    • Eliza

      That the Peter Dinklage character, right?

      • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

        Yes

        • Eliza

          At least I’m not 100% clueless about GoT.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I made it to episode 5 and fell off with it. I like it, but my attention span tends to be a bit short when it comes to TV shows. There’s a few exceptions (Fringe, The Tick, Assassin Classroom), but not many.

          • more beer

            Vikings is much better than GOT.

          • no way man.

          • more beer

            Fuck yea. Much more brutal.

          • brokensnow

            Just better in general.

          • more brutal? are we watching the same show?

            i like them both but i just dont see it

          • more beer

            I like them both too. But as for slaying with steel. Vikings wins hands down.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I’m still yet to watch that. That one’s lost in my never ending queue of movies, shows, and music.

          • more beer

            You should get to it.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Eventually. Got a few more animes to finish up.

          • Eliza

            Do you mean the anime Assassination Classroom? I dropped that after the first episode, does is get better?

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Yep! First and second episodes start off slow, then it really starts picking up.

          • Eliza

            I was thinking that the ridiculous premise will get boring after a while, but I’ll give it another shot.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            They have the entire series on Youtube. Might wanna still watch the first two episodes just to get an idea what’s going on and who’s who.

          • Eliza

            There are so many characters that those episodes should be viewed multiple times.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Haha, true! It’s not quite as bad as Inuyasha when it comes to multiple characters, though. I’m almost halfway through the series, and can barely name more than a dozen characters.

          • Eliza

            I don’t intend to ever watch InuYasha, but the soundtrack is pretty neat.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            It’s pretty good, but very very long.

          • Eliza

            The longest episode number I’m willing to engage in is 50, maybe a few episodes above that.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            It’s got waaaaaaaaaaaaay more than that! 167 episodes.

          • Eliza

            Yeah… no. No thanks.

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        Yep yep!

      • his character is short, and Melisandre finds me attractive. that’s kind of all you need to know going in

        • Eliza

          She’s hot.

  • This is the greatest post related to GoT in the history of mankind.

    Bravo, Lizard!!!

  • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

    Arya – Iron Maiden because she’s my favorite character she is a maiden built from tough metal like iron.
    Ned – Motorhead beacuse he would enjoy the classics and it would get him through the long witets.
    Cersei – White Stripes, followed closely by eyehategod
    Hodor becasue SLLLAYYYEEEERRRR!!!!
    Melisandre – Burzum because broody witch
    Hound – Mastodon becasue he is a total bad ass that can dig the sludge.
    Daenerys – Dragonforce because she has only been cool one or two times, but mainly annoying and attention grabbing
    Little Finger- Static X because even though I’m not a big fan of his type he has had a few saving graces
    The Dead One – Mayhem because it is a jacked up joke.

    • for Melisandre i voted Burzum. but the condition is that she would have to do it at my house, or in my car; just somewhere in my presence.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I picked Lostprophets for Littlefinger.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm
    • Eliza

      I was sold on “Pure Black Fucking Metal”.

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        I was sold on the noose from the album cover. Total death.

        • Eliza

          Literally.

    • i still havent placed my order with them. every time i look it gets more expensive

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        Try eBay. Drakkar sell a lot of stuff on CD there, with free shipping.

        • yeahhhh i dont buy CDs.

          thanks for the suggestion tho. shipping to the US is like 30 bucks from them

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Ah, I guess the free shipping is only within Europe. Still, the cd is being sold for the same price as the download, and I’d rather have an actual physical copy than some 1’s and 0’s on a computer.

          • im one of the vinyl scrubs

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
  • Sorry, had to share this. Dis be impressive as shit.

    http://p.fod4.com/p/media/4ccc6e2233/drruFOgpQXmLEfP93w08_throw-splits.gif

    • whoa

      • Dubs

        Whoah is right

    • Just think: If every American youth hadn’t quit karate after one and a half lessons, we could all be doing this.

      • EsusMoose

        I went for a couple years and all I got was my hip popping out while stretching that wide

        • Eliza

          That sounds horrible.

          • EsusMoose

            Hurt a lot but I went through the hour work out with it, endorphins were slacking that day.

          • Eliza

            And I thought I had it bad when I got my kneecap removed.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Yikes, that’s gotta hurt!

          • Eliza

            It, a lot, but, I did stay at home for two weeks.

          • how do you stand up!?

          • Eliza

            My kneecap is back in its place, I just don’t do any sports anymore ( not like I did any before, lol!).

          • solid move grrl

          • EsusMoose

            Nope that sounds a whole lot worse, yeah I can’t really stretch that leg out anymore but shit that sounds awful.

          • Eliza

            I was scared to death when it happened and I still get the chills whenever someone touches my knee, or when it hits something, even if it’s juts lightly.

          • EsusMoose

            Dam yeah I can understand that feeling, I wince when I walk by fences that have pointed tops because I think it could impale my eye.

      • True dat. America is a lazy bastard.

      • Count_Breznak

        Well, if martial arts are to complicated for you, you do karate.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Karate participation decline is in line with the rise in Ralph Macchio’s age

  • Rob M

    Oh come on, Baelish is the smartest dude in the show/books…hes going to have way better taste than that

    • Baelish has his moments, for sure. perhaps one of the most cunning chars in a story full of cunning.

      i saw baelish as more of a millenial hipster tho

      • Rob M

        Yeah, I can see that…I picture him listening to a lot of post-black and prog metal

        • Dubs

          In the books, at least, he seems to be getting set up like a classic Greek tragedy protagonist. His hubris (and obsession with Cat/Sansa) will be his undoing.

          • Rob M

            Possibly, but as of the last book, hes got probably the smartest plan of anyone playing for the throne. Everyone else is playing for the immediate crown, his is very long term and no one sees it coming

          • Dubs

            I don’t disagree with you.

  • Waynecro

    I’ve never watched this show and don’t plan to. For this reason, I did not vote. Voting while completely uninformed would be irresponsible of me. I do appreciate your effort, though.

  • Óðinn

    Daenerys Targaryen would not listen to Gloryhammer, Rhapsody, Dragonforce, or Hammerfall. All of those bands gargle donkey testicles.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I think The Mountain would listen to Hatebreed.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      SunnO))) only