Which Heavy Metal Cult Is Right for You?

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Are you lonely, scared, confused? Do you desire friends? Does your life lack meaningful interaction with other human beings? Do you willingly take orders from others? Do you work better in a close-knit structure of people with little outside interference? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then congratulations! You’re a prime candidate for eligibility in a cult organization?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Cults are for gullible doops. Only sheep buy into that organized religion stuff. Rebellion and going against the norm are cool! Well, you’re absolutely right in that regard. However, with the current trend of most societies bucking any semblance of faith and normality, belonging to a faith-based system is actually going against the grain. Plus, cults are the most metal of all religious affiliations. Thankfully for you wretches, there are plenty of cults to choose from. The question now is which cult to choose? Below I’ve offered a few options.

Cult of Fire

About: Were you that weird kid in high school who never talked to anyone but always excelled in lab assignments featuring Bunsen burners? Then Cult of Fire is just the organization for you! Combining blasphemous traditions from Eastern religions with an affinity for the flame, Cult of Fire are dedicated to purification through sacred fire.

Pros:

  • Cult of Fire offers a grand continuation of some of the oldest beliefs in the world.
  • You’ll never be picked on again for copping a boner during a bonfire.
  • You’ll get a totally awesome funeral pyre when you die.

Cons:

  • You’re probably going to smell like smoke all the time.
  • The cult leaders print all media in Sanskrit, so you’ll never understand what they want.
  • This cult is predominately dudes with weird fetishes.

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Cult of Luna

About: Based in Umea, Sweden, this mysterious cult is all about fancy-frolicking in the wintry night air under the loving caress of a glowing moon. Members are encouraged to seek personal spiritual and philosophical evolution in preparation for the return of the celestial sign that will sigil a departure from this filthy mudball of a planet.

Pros:

  • This cult already has way too many members, so if you’re lonely, you’ll never feel that way again.
  • Goth types are welcome.
  • Everyone else will look pale under the moonlight too.

Cons:

  • Mass suicide during the passing of a comet has already been done to death.
  • You might be mistaken for a Twilight fan.
  • Your pale skin will be much more susceptible to sunburns.

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 Hermit Cult

Not much is known about this solitary Canadian cult. There may only be one member.

Pros:

  • Misanthropy is more than welcome.
  • Interaction with other cult member(s) isn’t necessary.
  • You can go totally necro and live in a cave.

Cons:

  • There’s only one guy in the cult.
  • You have to pay for your own internet.
  • Showers are rare.

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Cult of Herodias

The Cult of Herodias is an ancient order of witches dedicated to preserving the balance of natural forces and honoring the earth mother. Members will have access to spell-books containing many arcane secrets with which to stand against oppressive regimes. Herodians have chapters all over the globe.

Pros:

  • If you’re into blasphemy, a cult named after the woman who executed John the Baptist is just the ticket.
  • Plenty of women are in the cult.
  • Access to neat arcane knowledge.

Cons:

  • Most of the spells are probably useless.
  • You’re going to smell like sage and dirt.
  • Mall goths will try to befriend you.

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Culted

For those of you seeking a cult for the herbally enhanced, there is none more dank than the Culted. What does it mean to be culted? I dunno, man. Spark up that J and find out.

Pros:

  • Mellow vibes. All the time.
  • You get to take your life one day at a time.
  • A vast library of retro treasures.

Cons:

  • Lack of motivation.
  • Squares who don’t get you.
  • Paranoia often develops in long-time members.

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Cult Leader

Having been a part of multiple cults, I can definitively tell you that being a leader is much more fun than being a follower.

Pros:

  • Tax breaks.
  • Cheap labor.
  • Lots of acolytes of the opposite sex.

Cons:

  • You’ll almost universally be accused of inappropriate relationships.
  • Someone will inevitably call your bluff regarding the impending doomsday.
  • The ATF.

So, my lonely and scared acolytes, which cult will you choose. Which New Religious Movement will you join? Are there others I missed? Drink the Kool-Aid in the comments below.

(Photo VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, and VIA)

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