Which Heavy Metal Cult Is Right for You?

1984
232
Share:

Are you lonely, scared, confused? Do you desire friends? Does your life lack meaningful interaction with other human beings? Do you willingly take orders from others? Do you work better in a close-knit structure of people with little outside interference? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then congratulations! You’re a prime candidate for eligibility in a cult organization?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Cults are for gullible doops. Only sheep buy into that organized religion stuff. Rebellion and going against the norm are cool! Well, you’re absolutely right in that regard. However, with the current trend of most societies bucking any semblance of faith and normality, belonging to a faith-based system is actually going against the grain. Plus, cults are the most metal of all religious affiliations. Thankfully for you wretches, there are plenty of cults to choose from. The question now is which cult to choose? Below I’ve offered a few options.

Cult of Fire

About: Were you that weird kid in high school who never talked to anyone but always excelled in lab assignments featuring Bunsen burners? Then Cult of Fire is just the organization for you! Combining blasphemous traditions from Eastern religions with an affinity for the flame, Cult of Fire are dedicated to purification through sacred fire.

Pros:

  • Cult of Fire offers a grand continuation of some of the oldest beliefs in the world.
  • You’ll never be picked on again for copping a boner during a bonfire.
  • You’ll get a totally awesome funeral pyre when you die.

Cons:

  • You’re probably going to smell like smoke all the time.
  • The cult leaders print all media in Sanskrit, so you’ll never understand what they want.
  • This cult is predominately dudes with weird fetishes.

_________________________

Cult of Luna

About: Based in Umea, Sweden, this mysterious cult is all about fancy-frolicking in the wintry night air under the loving caress of a glowing moon. Members are encouraged to seek personal spiritual and philosophical evolution in preparation for the return of the celestial sign that will sigil a departure from this filthy mudball of a planet.

Pros:

  • This cult already has way too many members, so if you’re lonely, you’ll never feel that way again.
  • Goth types are welcome.
  • Everyone else will look pale under the moonlight too.

Cons:

  • Mass suicide during the passing of a comet has already been done to death.
  • You might be mistaken for a Twilight fan.
  • Your pale skin will be much more susceptible to sunburns.

_________________________

 Hermit Cult

Not much is known about this solitary Canadian cult. There may only be one member.

Pros:

  • Misanthropy is more than welcome.
  • Interaction with other cult member(s) isn’t necessary.
  • You can go totally necro and live in a cave.

Cons:

  • There’s only one guy in the cult.
  • You have to pay for your own internet.
  • Showers are rare.

_________________________

Cult of Herodias

The Cult of Herodias is an ancient order of witches dedicated to preserving the balance of natural forces and honoring the earth mother. Members will have access to spell-books containing many arcane secrets with which to stand against oppressive regimes. Herodians have chapters all over the globe.

Pros:

  • If you’re into blasphemy, a cult named after the woman who executed John the Baptist is just the ticket.
  • Plenty of women are in the cult.
  • Access to neat arcane knowledge.

Cons:

  • Most of the spells are probably useless.
  • You’re going to smell like sage and dirt.
  • Mall goths will try to befriend you.

_________________________

Culted

For those of you seeking a cult for the herbally enhanced, there is none more dank than the Culted. What does it mean to be culted? I dunno, man. Spark up that J and find out.

Pros:

  • Mellow vibes. All the time.
  • You get to take your life one day at a time.
  • A vast library of retro treasures.

Cons:

  • Lack of motivation.
  • Squares who don’t get you.
  • Paranoia often develops in long-time members.

_________________________

Cult Leader

Having been a part of multiple cults, I can definitively tell you that being a leader is much more fun than being a follower.

Pros:

  • Tax breaks.
  • Cheap labor.
  • Lots of acolytes of the opposite sex.

Cons:

  • You’ll almost universally be accused of inappropriate relationships.
  • Someone will inevitably call your bluff regarding the impending doomsday.
  • The ATF.

So, my lonely and scared acolytes, which cult will you choose. Which New Religious Movement will you join? Are there others I missed? Drink the Kool-Aid in the comments below.

(Photo VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, and VIA)

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • I want to be a life long member of the Lifelover Cult.

    Also, I lost it at “Most of the spells are probably useless” !

    Nice write up W

    GL

    • VVayne Brady

      Thanks, GL!

  • Based Tapir

    Hermit Cult sounds like my kind of thing. Misanthropy? Count me in!

    • VVayne Brady

      Hermit Cult is probably right up your alley musically too. The creator is in our FB group. Keep your weird little Tapir eyes peeled for an interview.

      • Based Tapir

        I met him on FFB yesterday. I do dig this music.

      • Alex P.

        I’m just hearing this and I love it, so that’s awesome to know. I didn’t know how seriously musicians would take us with the name and all, so it’s very cool that we’ve been getting some choice interviews up here.

  • I’m thinking of joining the whythefuckisitsocoldimdonewiththisstupidweather cult

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    I <3 this post.

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    Hermit Cult it is. Fuck you all, I’m living in a cave by my crusty self.

    *Smashes laptop and descends into nothingness.

    • *instantly regrets smashing laptop because he can’t look at bandcamp anymore

      • Tyreeling In The Years

        Just finished crafting another out of bones and bile.

        • Stockhausen

          Ooh, I’ll take one. How much? *inadvertently sparks Tyree’s descent into selling out to the man with Bones n’ Bile Computers*

    • don’t forget the beer!

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    witches—-tv networks===the view===the talk—911

    strange sheltered liars—oujia boards—
    (both at once–full vol)
    http://youtu.be/woD98rIp6vo

    http://youtu.be/D1j3X_e4Cok

    • Scrimm

      Holy shit that bitch is disgusting.

    • HessianHunter

      I expected more from you on this article, to be honest. They kinda lobbed you a softball with this one.

      • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

        this is the best one—i’ve ever done–
        there she is —-the most powerful occultess/muppet woshipper

        perfect music–prog from belgium—created in a time machine—
        for the “unveiling”

        as the u.n. media supporters–begin to lose their grip

        the first multimedia sorceress—who punked the most powerful jewish magical ritual (jewish wedding)—-by having ozzy mock it—(by him hiding behind “sunglasses”)—a loophole –exploited—-by the ultimate magic users of the last 500 years

        the osbournes

  • *Pushes glasses up nose*
    The Jonestown inhabitants were actually poisoned with Flavor Aid, not Kool Aid. Also, Jim Jones was a piece of shit but man he did have style.

    • Guacamole Jim

      There was a New Religious Movement leader who changed his name to “Jesus Christ Lightning Amen.” I shit you not. I have a friend who is doing his graduate studies on NRMs.

      • That sounds like a WWII bomber’s name.

      • At the DMV:

        Lady: ” First name?”
        Guy: “Jesus”
        Lady: “Last name?”
        Guy: ” Christ Lightning Amen”

        http://scottblanton.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/eyes-wide-open-006.jpg

        GL

        • Guacamole Jim

          Apparently the Christ Family (which was Lighting Amen’s followers) didn’t believe in money or material possessions, so would go into restaurants, order food, then ask the owners to do God’s will and “feed his sheep” when presented with a bill. They also had a penchant for marijuana and walking along roads, and would often die from car-related accidents.

        • Lacertilian
      • I think GG Allin’s birth name was Jesus Christ Allin.

        • Guacamole Jim

          Wikipedia says you’re correct. WTF

          • Makes you wonder why he was a little “off”.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Yeah.. there’s got to be a lot going on there. That dude seriously wigs me out.

        • Tyreeling In The Years

          I watched a documentary on him a while back, I wanted to throw up a few times.

          • he wasn’t a fan of toilets.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            I remember there was a video of some girl pissing in his mouth. He drank it all then throw it up soon after with chewed up hotdogs.

          • YEP. I remember watching that documentary now. Same director that did “Old School” oddly enough.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Fucked up.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Tyreeling in the years hahahaha! Now I got that song in my head. Well played sir.

          • SWOLEBEARD

            That’s balling

          • STAHP.

            GL

          • sweetooth0

            that part’s awesome. That was from Hated right?

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            It must have been. I remember watching it on Yotube.

  • And to think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    CULT “MOTHERFUCKIN” LEADER

    • VVayne Brady

      The artist formerly known as Gaza.

      • SWOLEBEARD

        Wait, really?

        • VVayne Brady

          Yup. They dropped their sex offender singer and changed their name.

          • SWOLEBEARD

            Will check out, thanks dubs

          • VVayne Brady

            You bet!

          • Sounds like Gaza, they really didn’t miss a beat despite the line up changes.

          • Guacamole Jim

            …. he is a sex offender? Dammit I liked Gaza!

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            What’s a pederast, Walter?

          • Lacertilian

            ..

          • VVayne Brady

            Well, apparently the allegations were withdrawn, but still…

          • Guacamole Jim

            Hmmm. I looked it up, and it seems strange. She accused him on Tumblr, he denied it, they resolved things but didn’t retract their statements — and then Gaza broke up and reformed without him? There’s something fishy going on.

  • HessianHunter

    There’s a cult based in Minneapolis whose spiritual practices revolve around singing really haunting drone music called “Hu”. I’m almost curious to attend a service just to experience it. They have sound samples on their website; it’s built around a bonkers chord they hold for hours at a time. http://www.eckankar.org/hu.html

    • It sounds like the drug scenes in Dredd.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgzzDtvXDRs

    • more beer

      I know this chick who was raised in the Children of God Cult. That is one crazy cult. Everyone is screwing everyone including kids. All the children who were raised there, consider each other their brother`s and sister`s even if they are not. I met a bunch of them that got out when they were old enough to escape. All of them are pretty messed up to say the least. Their emotional scars run deep. I don`t know how anyone gets caught up in this kind of stuff. Then to make it worse involve their kids. Crazy people.

  • Scrimm

    I’ll go wherever the smoke is.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I’m joining the cult of W.

    • VVayne Brady

      D’awwww

    • You’re gonna get attacked my a multitude of hawks now.

      • Guacamole Jim

        BRING THEM ON! I will be safe and sound on well-planned roads in my ethical self-driving car.

  • SWOLEBEARD

    I guess it’s Culted for me but I really wanted to be initiated in the Cult of Luna. This was fun, W

  • Dudes with weird fetishes, you say?

    • SWOLEBEARD

      I tried to Gurp with my wife and she wasn’t into it

    • Maik Beninton

      I would be part of the cult of fire if one of the things they do is looking at burning things.

  • Stanley

    That was a great post, W.

    • VVayne Brady

      Thanks, Stanley. Twas quite silly.

      • Stanley

        Who doesn’t like a little bit of silly? Especially when there are some monumental tunes embedded.

        • no lies… everything i’ve heard thus far (still working my way through) is great!

        • VVayne Brady

          Come for the dumb jokes, stay for the righteous tunes.

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    Never heard of Cult of Herodias. Pretty killer Dubs!

    • VVayne Brady

      It’s pretty weird stuff.

      • Name change idea. “Dubzya”
        BOOM.

        GL

      • Tyreeling In The Years

        Odd for sure, I may try and work my way through this album here.

  • Cult Leader because Gaza.

  • Hubert, Goat ov ……Satan

    Really bloody funny article Dubyadub. And dank you for the music.

    Cult of Luna does have way to many members. 3 guitarists lol.

    • VVayne Brady

      Vertikal is a mesmerizing album though. It was my favorite release of 2013.

      • SWOLEBEARD

        Eternal Kingdom still my favorite

        • VVayne Brady

          They don’t have a bad album in their discography, tbh.

      • Hubert, Goat ov ……Satan

        I know, their music is great, Salvation in particular for me.

    • Stanley

      I think 3 guitarist sounds mad but when you listen to the layering that goes on in some of their songs (see In Awe Of or Ghost Trail), you realize how magnificent it is. They are the masters of the build up.

      • VVayne Brady

        That track I embedded, Synchronicity, has a really, really interesting structure. For the first half of the song, the rhythm guitar plays a super simple riff that acts as the rhythmic backbone while the drums fill around it.

        • Stanley

          The drumming on the entire album is so unique. Really unusual beats and timing. I guess having two drummers helps with this. The whole build up to the 2:50 mark in Synchronicity is fantastic and when that riff hits….oooh so heavy.

          • Dagon

            Kylesa’s stuff with two drummers (last 3 albums) is also great. In some songs each drum set plays in a side of the recording (left/right).

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    This Cult of Luna you speak of. Do they honestly have 7 people in the band!?!

    • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

      Yes.

      • Tyreeling In The Years

        That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

        • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

          They don’t mostly use all those guitars. Or bass at all.

        • SWOLEBEARD

          They been kicking it for a good while, tho

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Just saying. The more people in the band the more trouble.

          • SWOLEBEARD

            Maybe they’re all lovers, too

          • VVayne Brady

            I actually think they’ve gone on a temporary hiatus. Bummer for me, because I’m a big fan.

          • Stanley

            They are playing a festival (Pyscho California) in SoCal in May and they have a few dates in NY and Canada. But no new music for a……while.

          • VVayne Brady

            Yup. Plus one of the guys has a project called Riwen.

          • Stanley

            Yeh. The main dude. I haven’t checked them out because it’s HC and that’s not my thing, but I probably should.

          • VVayne Brady

            I enjoyed what I heard.

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            Not too HC-ish, even carries some of the vibes over.

          • Stanley

            Just listened to the EP here. It’s ummm… hardcore. The last track is ok though.

            http://bloggar.aftonbladet.se/hardrocksbloggen/tag/johannes-persson/

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            It’s definitely hardcore, alright. Never seemed too hc-ish for me though, get what I mean?

          • Based Tapir

            Vertikal was a great album.

          • Stanley

            2013 top 10. BTW, I just downloaded that Oranssi Pazuzu from Bandcamp. It’s on my iPod and will be coming with me to the gym. It’s very interesting.

          • Based Tapir

            Oranssi Pazuzu is one of the few good things Finland has produced.

          • along with you.

          • Based Tapir

            Oh you!

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            Which one? No matter they all rule.

          • Stanley

            It’s called Valonielu, which means?

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            Third/latest. Very good. A little more post-metal and less pshyche-y than the others, more doom-y too.

          • Stanley

            I listened to it on the treadmill this morning which probably wasn’t ideal for the first listen, but I’m flying back to Wales tonight to see the folks so I’ve got plenty of time to get absorbed in it with noise canceling headphones.

          • Scrimm

            Ain’t that the truth.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Musicians suck.

          • Scrimm

            Hell yes they do, myself included. Sometimes I think 2 bandmembers is too many.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            I’m pretty easy going when it come to being in a band and touring, but others can be a hand full.

          • Scrimm

            I can only imagine the babysitting that would have to happen for some people.

          • Tyreeling In The Years
          • omg, another random trouble embed <3

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Never enough Trouble.

    • Stanley

      They hit a high point of 8!

    • they’re two short of the perfect quantity of musicians.

  • Stockhausen

    Well gosh, this is sure a lot! I think I’ve gotten a hold of all the appropriate literature, I’ll be takin’ a gander at this back at the ol’ homestead. I’m assuming all of these are sweater-vest and khaki friendly.

  • I’m too kvlt for this.

  • JWG’s Shifty Lateral Ventricle

    I went through the entire Metal Archives list of metal Cults, and couldn’t find a Canadian one. Apparently I’ll have to move if I want to be closer to any.

    [Edit: though there is a Burialkult with which I’m familiar…]

    Side note, without further comment: http://www.metal-archives.com/bands/The_Unspeakable_Cult_ov_Goatpenis/41771

    • How many goat dick bands are there???

      • JWG’s Shifty Lateral Ventricle

        Also, how many goat dick bands does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

        • Tina…The Brutal Fey

          Lift your game, metal community.

    • VVayne Brady

      Hermit Cult is in Canada!

      • Tyreeling In The Years

        Hermit Cult is good!

      • JWG’s Shifty Lateral Ventricle

        I should have known not to trust Metal Archives. Its rules for inclusion are just sometimes way too arbitrary.

        …plus their search feature is somehow incomplete (Burialkult is in the database, but doesn’t come up with the substring “kult”)

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    CAVEMAN CULT >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoUv2VZXvbo

    • VVayne Brady

      I wrote this before you featured them, but they definitely could have been included.

      • Tyreeling In The Years

        Hahaha, I’m just messing with ya. Great write-up Brady.

    • Scrimm

      Dig the atmosphere on this. A lot.

      • Tyreeling In The Years

        I agree. Crushing onslaught that sounds like it was recorded in a cave.

    • Lacertilian

      That was beastly!

  • Scrimm
  • Stanley
    • Tyreeling In The Years

      I remember I first heard this on Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX 2.

      • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

        I love that game. I still play it often.

    • JWG’s Shifty Lateral Ventricle

      The first human cult perhaps…

      There was one beforehand, but it only accepted Blue Oysters (and guitar wizards).

    • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

      First would be Southern Death Cult, which was their first incarnation (and sounded way more like Fields Of The Nephilim music wise).

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYgk0UD-bhQ

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Since my day to day life already involves arcane knowledge and plenty of women, Cult of Herodias would seem to be the one for me. Plus I’m a sucker for a bit of good Goth rock. Nice find!

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    I am joining the Cult of Personality because that’s the best cult.

    • Based Tapir

      Have you thought about joining the Cult of Dawkins? Besst cult there is! Blackbeard approved!

      • Lacertilian

        Hail Dawkvlt

      • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

        NO.

    • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras
      • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

        You’ve been bust lately.

        Edit: busy*

        • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

          Yep, it’s always hard work running the greatest country in the universe and keeping all these rainbows shiny and rivers of chocolate running 24/7 for our citizens! Hah, while you North Americans are sitting in your high chairs crying about the cold, the forecast here is ‘sunny with a chance of it raining Skittles’.

  • Dagon

    I can’t believe no one pointed out how much ToH:FB and RHRC prior to it resembles an actual cult. We have a prime selection of deities in our pantheon, led by a fatherly figure (he’s even called Papa Joe) and we have our own version of bad people/demons/hell in MS and their dudes.

  • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras
  • OldMetalHead

    I really am burning for you.

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    I certainly like the idea of having a harem and/or lots of dank green, Cult of Fire shall be the one for me.

    Great article, Dubs.

  • KJM

    I’ll stick with the Cult Of The Blue Oyster thanks.

    • VVayne Brady

      Be careful, some groupthink basement-dwelling trve kvlt bloggist might think you’re an Opeth fan 😉

    • Lacertilian

      Cult of Saturnalia?

      • KJM

        That works too.

  • Virgil the Ghost Poet

    My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult!!!! Do you fuck strippers? Do you do blow? Do you fear for your child? Then I have a cult for you.
    That was great W!

    • VVayne Brady

      Oh man! I forgot about them. Great name.

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        They are still one if my all time favorite bands! I even love the new stuff!

  • Jajaja!! All these cults are very crazy 😛 But I think I would stick with Culted only by the description you made. I’m often paranoid B)

  • Lacertilian

    Someone once said to me that the only difference between a religion and a cult is the number of believers.

    • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras
      • Based Tapir

        Oh how I love Carlin. Too bad the old fuck is dead.

        • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

          Sadly, I had tickets to see him right before he died. I went to get my ticket refunded and the lady asked me why. “Well, he’s dead. There’s that!”. George definitely would’ve gotten a laugh out of that!
          BTW, read his autobiography ‘Last Words’ sometime. Rather short read, but very very interesting.

          • Based Tapir

            I tried to find some dvds of his live shows, but couldn’t find them in Finland.

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

            You can easily find all of them on Youtube.

          • Based Tapir

            Really? I’ve inly found a few ones with good video quality.

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras
          • Based Tapir

            Lol, I watched those three last weekend.

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

            Hmmmmm, I dunno. Just type in his videography in youtube and go from there, then.

          • Based Tapir

            Don’t tell me what to do.

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

            Back that ass on over here and let me smack my monkey! *cracks the whip*

          • Based Tapir

            *yells “HAISTA SETÄ PASKA” and runs into the woods*

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

            *yells “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!”*

          • Based Tapir

            Based Tapir, having never seen that movie, continued running. He ran like a really fast runner. He was running so fast that he did not see the cliff ahead of him. Kim Jong-Un chased him like a man who chases things. Based Tapir fell off the cliff and Kim Jong-Un started laughing. Then a weird helicopter sound was heard. Kim Jong-Un stared in awe as Based Tapirs used his long dick as a propeller. He flew far away, leaving Kim Jong-Un cursing the Based One.
            (I should not write things when it’s too late)

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras
          • Based Tapir

            Based Tapirs do not have testicles, you ignorant fuck!

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

            By testicles I mean butthole. Nyeah!

          • Based Tapir

            We do not have assholes either. Boy, you humans know nothing.

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

            It trampled your guts. Don’t have those either, like a jellyfish?

          • Based Tapir

            If we are trampled, we dematerialize and then materialize elsewhere. We are invincible.

            We are One, we are Tapir.

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

            You are a side of spare ribs and pulled tapir sandwiches! Now get on that grill, you! *cracks the whip*

            http://jomec.co.uk/grillandbarrel/wp-content/uploads/bbq6.jpg

  • Tina…The Brutal Fey

    Misanthropy, no showers and awesome bass… put me down for
    Hermit Cult.

  • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

    I used to be a part of that stupid fucking Echelon thing for 30 Seconds To Mars fans, but I came to my senses, left and vowed to never join another cult again, so none of these metal cults appeal to me.