We’re Going to Make Metallica Great Again

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Metallica. Metallica used to be the best, BEST, band in the country. They had the riffs, they had the best riffs. They used to win all the time, with albums like Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets and …And Justice for All, but folks, when was the last time Metallica WON? All they do is lose now, losing to Megadeth and losing to Anthrax. ANTHRAX! Today I am here to present you with my 4 step plan to MAKE AMERICA MAKE METALLICA GREAT AGAIN.

STEP 1: Take Away All of Hetfield’s Country albums

Waylon Jennings, great guy, the best guy. He has written some truly inspiring music that has uplifted the downtrodden and been the soundtrack to many hard working Americans after hours drinking. He helped make country music great again! But, and I hate to tell you this folks, but he has also gotten into the head of James Hetfield.  A lot of people, reputable people, are saying he may literally be inside it. Is he? I don’t know! But that’s what everyone is saying. After all, do you remember the fiasco that was “Ronnie,” or the travesty of “Mama Said?” Or even the talk of his solo country career? Everyone knows that was the doing of listening to too much Waylon Jennings, or possibly Hetfield being controlled by a mini Jennings like that guy from Men in Black. My plan to rectify this is that we will build a wall around Hetfield’s collection of Waylon Jennings CDs AND we will get Waylon Jennings to pay for it! It’ll happen folks, believe me. We will never have to suffer through something like this ever again:

STEP 2: Give Lars Bionic Legs

Like anyone else who loves Metallica almost as much as they love America, I went to see them on tour here in 2009. It was a great, great show. very good show. The best show. Really, truly the best, good show. One of the biggest surprises came when the band played …AJFA’s “Dyer’s Eve.” But something was missing, folks. The double bass! How can Metallica play the most rocking song in their discography without the double bass present in 90% of the song? The answer was immediately apparent: Danish healthcare had failed Lars Ulrich and let his legs wither and die just like his hair. There is only one solution here: We need to make Lars pay inordinate sums of money to have his frail, dead legs replaced with bionic legs. Strong, bionic legs made right here in America. These will be the best legs, legs like the most American American of all time Arnold Schwarzenegger’s legs in 1992’s action blockbuster Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Using this plan we can help Lars to defeat the evil, liquid metal nemesis that is practicing playing drums whilst part of the biggest metal band on the planet.

STEP 3: Make Robert Trujillo Stand Up and Play His Bass Like an Adult

I love Robert Trujillo. Fantastic bass player. His pre-Metallica output with 90’s American greats who made America great again (90’s edition) is absolutely untouchable. That being said, he is now a member of one of the biggest metal bands in history. It’s time for him to stop doing this thing:

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I mean, I’m just saying what everyone is thinking, right? Everyone knows that the crab walk is a symptom of some metalcore, scene haircut plague. Is Rob infected? Should we be worried that he’ll be sporting a swoop haircut and only A Day to Remember and I Killed the Prom Queen shirts on Metallica’s next tour? I’m just asking questions! The only way to prevent the spread of this disease that he maybe, definitely has is for him to stand upright and play his bass like an adult. It isn’t hard. Literally millions of Americans do it every single day. I’m standing upright and playing bass right now as I type this. I will be while you’re reading this, too. We need get him to do this for his health and for the health of Metallica. Or just get rid of him because they sound pretty good without a bassist anyway.

STEP 4: Don’t Let Kirk Touch Anything Other than Frets 13 – 24

Kirk Hammett is a national treasure when he’s ripping solos and dropping steaming hot weedlies on our collective chests. When he isn’t, though, he is clearly an unsupervised child. Remember the last time Metallica let Kirk out of his room to touch things that weren’t his guitar?

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Folks, while I’m sure that their new, finely crafted Italian, or as I like to call it second, already great America, made suits are going to be YUGE, I never want to see them in them again unless I’m making a profit off of them also. And whose hat is that? Is that hat a plant from the Megadeth camp to make the picture even douchier? Again, I’m only asking questions! Even when he IS only playing guitar though he is a liability to Metallica.

We need to limit Kirk to the frets that he actually understands: 13-24. Kirk was the most widely praised part of Death Magnetic. You know why? Because they built a wall around frets 1 – 12 so he couldn’t play them.

Following this simple 4 step program I believe that we can make Metallica great again! If not, then at the very least, we can hope that they make Lars and Kirk practice their fucking instruments and that they will all be forced to wear their fine Italian suits every night on stage. Gimme fuel, gimme fire, gimme formal men’s attire!


Metallica has a new album coming out, but I’m sure you’re already aware and have written a thinkpiece about it. Please do not link to said thinkpiece in the comments below.

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