Wanna Win A FREE Copy Of Temple Nightside‘s Killer New Album? Of Course You Fucking Do!

1015
74
Share:

Why are you reading this? Just click the picture, you idiot.

Apparently it’s not enough that the Toilet ov Hell gives you the best variety of metal recommendations on the internet, now we give you the damn albums as well! Over the last few months/years/seconds/millennia we’ve steadily been climbing to the top of the proverbial pile when it comes to metal websites (*), and due to our uncompromising stance of not letting the site be fouled by the fetid stench of advertising, or ruled by the type of sickening under-the-table corporate journalism that plagues the internet at large, we’re clearly rolling in an unprecedented vault of blog-coin here. Instead of blowing it all on Ballast Point’s excellent range of affordably-priced ales, or picking up some merch from WarlordClothing.com’s range of promptly delivered metal apparel, we’ve decided to give back to the community. And by us, I mean one of our readers.

You see, the Toilet ov Hell is not simply the stolid piece of porcelain as you once believed. In some kind of perverse poo-smeared Peter Pan parody, the community’s collective compassion compelled consciousness in this ‘ere crapper. Your belief brought it life. The beast is now sentient, an organism in its own right. Now it craves life to sustain itself. We no longer simply represent the microbial mass that fights to inhabit its orifices. We are the accumulated biofilm coating its every surface, working in unison. One of the benefits of this living arrangement are the commensal relationships we’ve built. As with all successful ecosystems, you need pioneer species to boldly go forth to initially colonise the hostile barren environs. Today, our minister of metabiosis, our general of generosity, is none other than the ruderal species Smohlg swollii. Through another kind donation from the beast with a heart the size of Phar Lap, we’re pleased to offer you all the chance to win a digital copy of Temple Nightside‘s acclaimed album The Hecatomb! This album remains one of the death metal highlights of 2016 so far, which is really saying something, as 2016 has been an undisputedly killer year for the genre. Don’t believe me? Well, I’ll have you know that a certain someone (who I happen to agree with at least 80% of the time) gave it 4/5 Flaming Toilets ov Hell earlier in the year. Can’t argue with that kind of broad consensus! How can you get your filthy hands ears in contact with this offer? Quite easily.

a3852544915_10

Your canvas

Once upon a time here, we had a regular photochopping competition. They were heady days, where Danzig, corpse-painted church-burners, George W. Bush and the like, were all sliced and diced in Pixlr.com, Canva, and MSPaint to achieve their maximum lolbuttz potential. Everyone had fun, and we didn’t discriminate based on photoshop skills. To win your free copy of The Hecatomb, you’ll be using the excellent Nekronikon art adorning the album as your canvas to fit the theme of video games. As I mentioned during my ramblings above, we feed off each other here. The idea to combine the cover with vidya came from Cybro’s comment on the album review, where he stated that he wanted to run around that cover with a rocket launcher and god-mode. Just look at it. Can’t you see yourself strafe-jumping towards that elusive quad-damage pickup, cross-map slaying noobs with your railgun on your way to the coveted Buzz Cola LAN Trophy? Maybe you see a post-apocalyptic landscape where Sanic is forced to endlessly quest for cursed gold in order to pay off a decade long drug debt from his copious cocaine use, returning lifelong friend Tails from his capture at the evil clutches of Knuckles’ drug cartel, helping them resume their homoerotic habits in their hometown of Greenhill Zone. Your photochop doesn’t have to be serious though, instead you could do something humorous. The choice is yours. You can make more than one entry, just upload them as separate comments down below to enter. You have one week from publishing to get your entries in, the submission with the most upvotes at the end of the week will (**probably) be the victor. Get choppin’!


* Seriously, Joe showed us our latest rankings, and we’re smashing it for such a young non-profit site.

** TovH Pty. Ltd. reserves the right to: disqualify any entry with no prior notice or valid reason, award the prize to whichever entry we want, offer no explanation, and be total dicks on a whim.


Addendum/Announcement: The winner of last week’s album giveaway competition was avid-reader JWEG. Congratulations, you’re now the proud owner of Lycus‘ 2016 doomonolith Chasms (and a slither of Joe’s pride)! Here’s his winning entry, answering the distress call of his wolf brethren by offering some sound rebuttal to Joe’s hot-take that wolves aren’t really that badass tbh. He can now feast upon the spoils of victory with his rabid pack ‘o doggo’s. It’s that easy folks!
kjafjdnf

  • Lacertilian
  • Such an incredible album. The last song is one of my favorite songs of this year. Plodding grimness at its finest. Power stuff & Total Death!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWWVDavwwrs

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      did your record come with a poster too?

      • Yup, I have it in my drum room now.

      • I would be all over that poster if I didn’t have to get the LP too. Not a vinyl guy.

        • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

          It’s never too late to buy an old turn table!

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Love this record

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Ballast Point is affordable?

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Excellent fucking beer and way over-priced for a six pack.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Precisely

      • Ayreonaut

        unfortunately i can say that about many brews…

    • RJA

      Excellent point! It seems to be more expensive than most.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Maybe things really are upside down in Australia

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Bro, you know Australia doesn’t exist, right?

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Hmm, that makes sense

          • Tampaxon, Flusher Of Gods

            Of course it does. That’s where that crazy guy who started WW2 (Falco) is from.

    • Stanley

      Good beer that falls into the way too fucking expensive category.

      I can’t believe that the ingredients/labor are that more expensive than similar beers from their competitors.

      I’m not buying it.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        It’s total bullshit.

        • Stanley

          It’s 13.99 or 14.99 for a six pack. That’s some bullshit right there.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Bro, that’s a fuckton ‘o bullshit.

          • Stanley

            Especially when you can get some Racer 5 or Fresh Squeezed for 8.99 at Safeway.

          • Tampaxon, Flusher Of Gods

            $5 for the finest six pack of PBR that money can buy over here. *raises pinky as I take a swig*

          • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

            They’re going the Rogue route. Though I think their beer is better than Rogue.

          • Stanley

            They have a Rogue brew pub here in SF. It’s a grotty place with bad food and mediocre beer. I have tried a few of their more experimental offerings for a laugh.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Agreed

      • Elegant Gazing Globe

        $1Billion dollars is a lot of premium price beer for Constellation to sell to cover their investment in this brand

        • Stanley

          I didn’t realize that they had sold out. This explains everything.

    • $15 a six pack sits pretty comfortably in the middle between the lower-end and the super expensive craft brews I’ve run across.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        When I can get local, better beer at half the cost you best believe I’m not buying.

        • Better IPA’s at 7.50? Even I have to dip into the $10 range if I want something comparable.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Depending on the brewery, I usually pay between 6.99 and 8.99

          • Damn. Local brewery here in the ATL is definitely cheaper but also definitely not as good.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Move to Texas

          • more beer

            They are between 8 and 10 bucks here. But you get what you pay for. I have a 22 of Groovy,s in the fridge. I think I am about to break that masterpiece of a beer out.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            That is a damn fine beer.

          • more beer

            Yes it is!

      • The Tetrachord of Archytas

        I shell out that kinda money for dogfish head sometimes

        • more beer

          They are the fuckers who started this 4 pack trend. I want 6 beers in a pack. I don’t care what the abv is. Or how good they think it is. There is so much good local beer here to choose from. I pass over their beers every time.

          • Ayreonaut

            Thank God finally someone agrees with me

    • Lacertilian

      >”we don’t succumb to advertising”.
      >plugs in some lame marketing spin.

    • Rob M

      Depends on the Ballast Point….I can get six-packs of stuff like Big Eye or Calm Before the Storm for around $10.00. Its usually stuff like Sculpin or Victory At Sea that hits the $15.00 mark around here

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Victory at Sea fucking slays too.

        • Rob M

          Yeah…that stuff is fucking tasty. Glad they started doing it in six packs instead of just the big bottles

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        I’d just rather buy something else.

        • Rob M

          Yeah…but didnt you say you werent a huge fan of Sculpin when you had it. See, I think thats a really, really good beer and worth dropping $15.00 on it every now and then

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Yeah, it didn’t $15 impress me. I should probably give it another shot really.

            I had a Mango IPA this weekend from a local brewery, damn good.

          • Rob M

            If you ever see it on tap or something Id give it another go…just to see what you think when its fresh

            …havent had anything new in a while, my fridge is still pretty stocked from various summer cookouts right now. Im starting to get addicted to these though:

            http://johnsciacca.webs.com/Dragons%20Milk.jpg

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            I will!
            My fridge has a bunch of random stuff right now too, haha.

            That is on my “why haven’t you tried this yet, you dumbass?!?” list.

          • Rob M

            If you like barrelled stouts, then definitely track it down..thats a damn good beer

          • Óðinn
          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Classic scene!

          • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

            That Imperial IPA (Dorado?) with the dolphinfish/mahi mahi on it is fucking amazing. I usually pick up a single or two at the place I go to.

  • Oh man, nothing can compete with that banner image.

  • Howard Dean
    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Hahahaha.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    ..

    • ME GORAK™ GORAK SMASH™

      WHERE CAVE!?!?!?!?! GORAK LOST!!!!!!!

    • Tampaxon, Flusher Of Gods

      Reference to The Cove, I’m guessing?

  • Great job JWEG!!
    I’m finna chop the fuck outta this once I get home

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
  • taylor

    Hope this uploads alright
    I’ve killed so many families by capsizing

    • This is a good.

      • Taylor

        Thank you! Apparently I’m the only one in my family who has played Oregon trail, so the joke fell flat

  • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

    But wait, Ballast Point six packs are expensive as fuck where I live.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Exactly

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
  • Señor Jefe El Rosa