Feel the Urn.
Tis the Season Of The Music Video, my friends. Though our budget may be very low, our spirits remain high. Verily will this music video gain us the fame and fortune we have been seeking for the past 20 years. There are those in our native land of Chicago that doubt our abilities. They mock our very existence and spit upon our souls. These base villains seek to tear down what they do not understand. To those I say thee nay! We are Urn! We will make this music video and prove the fools wrong! Future generations will look back on this video and know what we accomplished this day. They will realize our “Epiphany” and so too shall they experience an epiphany! Are you with me? ARE YOU WITH ME?!
0:03: Aw, dildos.
0:05: Double dildos.
0:08: Inexplicable night time dildos.
0:12: Shooting in the park next to your house because it’s free dildos.
0:15: Those trees represent dildos. (Ok, I’ll stop).
0:20: And now they’re inside for some reason. Maybe they got chilly.
0:24: They’re really pushing that free 30 day trial for Final Cut Pro to the limit.
0:28: The keyboard has a plug coming out of it, so what exactly is it plugged into?
0:34: More layers than an infinite layer bean dip.
0:40: We get it. You have a keyboard player.
0:43: Although it looks like they don’t have a keyboard player when they’re inside.
0:47: Is it because the room stinks like folknerd?
0:52: Or did she have to get back to PacSun to finish her shift?
0:59: That’s not a V-neck. That’s a U-neck.
1:03: As in “U don’t want anything below this neck.”
1:06: Hahaha. Sure, let’s take a trip down to the docks while we’re at it.
1:11: I’d give anything for a bat to dive bomb them right now.
1:16: It’s comforting to know that they’re most definitely standing in squirrel shit.
1:23: They’re just so great they don’t even need amps.
1:27: “Here’s to numbing the pain.”
1:34: “Dominic, I told you to take out the trash! The Home Owner’s Association complained again.”
1:38: Jeez, doesn’t take much to set this guy off. Maybe she accidentally threw out his Dragonheart action figures.
1:44: The violinist must be in one of the other 10 locations they shot in.
1:50: Toddlers have the same look on their faces when you tell them they can’t have ice cream for dinner.
1:57: He looks a little like Cronos’s less satanic younger brother.
2:02: Or Mortiis’s tax accountant older brother.
2:11: A few more frills and he could be a Malmsteen.
2:14: You never wanna go full Malmsteen.
2:22: That facial expression does not belong in this video.
2:28: This one does, though.
2:32: If they were going for “Creepy Ice Cream Men,” mission accomplished.
2:39: I really hope we see people having a picnic or some kids playing Frisbee behind them.
2:51: No amount of weedilies will save this.
2:58: Man, they couldn’t even spring for like a cardboard castle or something?
3:02: Maybe some cellphone shots from Medieval Times?
3:09: Sooo are we going to go back to that fight with his lady friend ooorrrrr….
3:10: I just noticed that he has a black guitar in some shots. Why? Why not.
3:20: That fluorescent guitar is the best thing about this video.
3:23: They don’t even have a banner with their name or logo on it. It’s just a white sheet.
3:26: Uh oh. The camera’s drunk again.
3:34: The lightning bolt on the strap really brings it all together.
3:40: And why does the band have the all rights reserved symbol next to their name in this video?
3:46: Are they afraid someone will take their original name?
3:50: I’ll bet they call this “the funky part” in practice.
3:58: Hey, Randall. How many times have these guys slept on your floor?
4:06: Next time they come to town, can you have Albus pee on some of their stuff?
4:15: Seriously, are we not going back to that woman?
4:21: I mean, I know that stationary headbanging in the woods is important, but come on.
4:29: The scene represents the eternal wankery he’s feeling deep inside.
4:37: Epiphany doesn’t mean “we have no budget and no ideas, but let’s make a video anyway” in another language, does it?
4:42: I hope he moisturizes after this extensive jerk session.
4:50: The thought occurred to me that “Epiphany” may be the lady friend’s name and I threw up a little.
4:57: Ugh, I liked it better when they stayed still. Their grooving is on par with Singles Night at Arooga’s Bar & Grill.
5:11: Damn it, Epiphany. Why did you have to break his heart?
5:20: Back to the basement for no reason.
5:24: Holy shit. It’s legitimately been almost 4 minutes since we last saw her.
5:25: Why even bother?
5:29: I guess because you needed something to fill the gaps in between all these sweet mirrored shots.
5:32: FUCK that’s deep.
5:34: Like a gaping butthole.
5:40: Because you were thinking about it this entire time, here’s that Key & Peele skit that’s actually way better than this actual video.
Urn’s album Epiphany is available now (it came out almost a freaking year ago) via Dark Moon Productions. You can grab your invisibility cloak and +3 mace and listen to the entire album here.