TovH Exclusive – ‘The Producer Series’: Pt.4 – Stoner

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Want to record that perfect take? Write the riff to crush all genitalia? Get that perfect drum tone? Need album direction ideas? Well today we have something extra special for all you aspiring musicians, the Producer Series. This exclusive to TovH will put you in touch with one of the leading names in metal production today, helping you get the edge over the endless stream of new bands/artists all seeking those sweet yet ever-dwindling record deal dollars. Last time we met, B.S was kind enough to give us the insider knowledge needed to help out those trying to create noisy art. Here in the fourth installment we’re going to blaze it up and hit Stoner rock/metal.

So far we’ve sent your riffing into outer-space with Tech-Death, got you in touch with nature with all things Atmospheric and helped you create the harshest of Noise. Once again, due to contractual obligations and other such legal restrictions imposed by those pesky record labels and other suit-wearing corporate scum, we’re not allowed to officially name the producer we’ve been in contact with. So for the purposes of this series, they’ll be referred to by their initials, B.S. I’m sure some of you more knowledgeable in the music industry have already worked out who it is, but for those who haven’t, let’s just say they’re a pretty big deal, having worked across a couple of decades, covered a plethora of sub-genres and collected ideas from all aspects of the music industry. What matters here for us though is that we’ve got exclusive access to their insights and tips on how to get noticed and achieve success through music. This time B.S has pulled out his dankest kush, fired up the vape and is going to deal out some ripping tips for you to create a buzz in the music scene.


1. Have “Bong” In Your Name

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It’s that fucking simple. As you can tell from Cybernetic Organism’s piece on the hottest trending bands, all the trendy names with “Acid” and “Witch” are taken. Stick with what has worked, and will work for the rest of time. There’s no need to get complicated to try and impress anyone with clever names like Cannabis Corpse, Hashteroid or Weed. There’s a reason Bongripper, Bongzilla and Bonglomerate are at the top of the genre, and if you can’t work it out, maybe try some Sativa for a change! You could even just call your band Bong. Oh, that’s taken? Who gives a fuck, do it anyway. Blending in with your competition might go against your intuition and seem counter-productive to your goal of getting noticed amongst the vast swathes of other stoner bands, but it is actually exactly what you want to do. Take advantage of your fans potential short-term memory loss. Look, act and sound like every other stoner band that has ever existed.

2. Only Hit Dotted Frets

fret-board-numbers

Open, three, five, seven. That’s it. What more do you need? There are 6 strings; using those frets alone that’s 24 notes! If you can’t make a stoner riff with that, give up. Unless you’re going to play solos, there’s no point being all fancy and learning some impossibly technical pentatonic blues scale that you’re going to forget the next day anyway. When you really have to play a lead, you can simply reiterate the riff pattern on a higher string. If you really want to get fancy, you can use frets nine or twelve. But remember, this comes at the risk of confusing your audience.

4. Maintain A Constant Tempo

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This tip is based on a similar concept to the last one. You don’t want to harsh anyone’s buzz by confusing them with tempo changes and the like. Pick a tempo between say 40 – 60 bpm and stick to it, not just for one riff or one song but the whole album. A nice constant tempo means you and your audience can bob their head along without fear of working up a sweat or missing a beat. Expending any extra amount of energy is just counter-productive to your cause. Another benefit of maintaining a constant tempo is that if someone happens to zone-out during the performance, they’ll have no trouble jumping back into time when they remember what it is they’re supposed to be doing. Even if they reach nirvana in a reverie or just plain old nod-off in between bars, there’s likely to be enough time for them to wake back up before the snare hit while still squeezing in an enjoyable sleep.

2. Be More Stoned Than Your Audience

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This goes for performing and recording alike. Now while it is logical to assume you would want your audience to be more stoned than you in order for their appreciation and awe levels to be higher than normal, which has worked for bands since the 1970’s, what I’m proposing is a radical new approach. Contrary to the traditional method, I’m suggesting you rip the pages out of the history books and roll them up into one big fat joint and get as blazed as you possibly can for both the recording of the album and the live concerts. None of this rub your eyes and make them look red shit, get fucking baked! You can’t expect to really feel the power of your own riffs and lay down the perfect take without a toke or ten. Same goes for gigs; the crowd will sense it if you’re not completely out of your tree. Turning up to the studio or taking the stage with a blunt lit in your mouth is the bare minimum. Go above and beyond. Convert the fog machine into a dank billowing lung hazard, cover your strings in hash oil, you could even use an oversized water pipe for a mic stand. Do whatever it takes to make sure everyone around you knows that you are irretrievably stoned.

0. Dismiss Other Genres

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Dismissing the other genres should be quite easy. Just forget they exist. When people ask for your influences, just say weed. If they really press you, maybe mention Sabbath. They were the first stoner band anyway, weren’t they? Who cares! The part of your brain you previously used to store the names and sounds of other genres could be better used for far more pressing concerns, like: If weed was put here by God, why is it illegal? How many hairs exactly are there in your beard? What’s that guy’s name again? Why do some farts smell like cabbage when you all you’ve eaten is a microwaved enchilada? If T-Rex fought Godzilla, who would win? No, really, he is walking over here now, looking straight at me, what is his name again? “Hey.. dude”.


Previously in the Producer Series:
Tech Death
Atmospheric Metal
Noise

(Image via, via, via, via, via, via, via)

 

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    What about Acid Witch Bong?

    • sweetooth0

      LSD Warlock

      • sweetooth0

        copyright

        • DVRKBEVRD

          p much the same thing as Acid Witch

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I liked the last Electric Wizard album quite a bit. Same with all their other albums.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      I still think Come My Fanatics and Dopethrone are able to rupture more bowels than Sunn O))) can.

    • sweetooth0

      The best doom/stoner song EVER. None more heavy (Funeropolis is close though)

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        I was just thinking about Funeralopolis. The build up of that song never fails to arouse me.

        • nbm02ss

          It’s goosebump inducing.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Love the main riff on the new one, though.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubBPXQ5U2_0

      • Boss the Ross

        I think you mean Dopesmoker…

        • Dubs

          Holy Mountain > Dopesmoker.

          • Boss the Ross

            Holy Mountain the song, or Holy Mountain the album?

          • Dubs

            Comparing the albums, that is.

          • Boss the Ross

            Mmm, while it is debatable, I am happy with the recognition. Both albums are excellent in their own right.
            If Holy Mountain had Dopesmoker’s tone, I might agree with you.

        • sweetooth0

          eh, it’s heavy, but it’s also meandering. Return Trip is just one compact blast to the lower bowel. And that bass guitar tone is fucking insane.

          • Boss the Ross

            Just giving you shit man, Return Trip is a good pick.

      • The fucking guitar tone in this is just unmatched. So fucking heavy!

    • IronLawnmower

      Heavier than a bus full of feminists and middle aged southerners

    • nbm02ss

      Electric Wizard <3.

  • Dubs

    If our unsigned band contest taught me anything, it’s that there are literally hundreds of stoner bands across this country following B.S.’s advice.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      It’s a template you can’t fuck with.

    • and they all BORING AF

        • DOOM STOMPE

        • CyberneticOrganism

          “Guys, this park is closed you’re all gonna have to leave now.”

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            “Just one more riff, please?”

          • Stockhausen

            “Well, ok.”
            *plays one more riff, which takes an hour*

          • Strrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

        • Salvador Dalí Lama

          https://media.giphy.com/media/x14A5MdqMdwAM/giphy.gif

          He rises from his coffin hotboxing as if to point and say “420 BLAZE IT”

      • Boss the Ross

        Nevermind sorry

        • Dubs

          See, you say that, but you didn’t hear how many completely and utterly uninspired boring stoner metal bands we had to sift through.

          • Boss the Ross

            Sorry, i read that incorrectly. I thought he was talking about doom/stoner bands in general. There are quite a bit that are mundane with rehashed (excuse the pun) music

          • Maik Beninton™

            You’re barking at the wrong tree.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            man, i could go for some hash

          • “Man, I could really NOT go for some hash”

            – Said no one ever

      • They were all too high to realize that they weren’t any good.

      • Stockhausen

        “I can’t think of a part to come after DUUUUUH, NUUUUUUH, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH”
        “Did you try DUUUUUH, NUH NUH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH?”
        “Duuuuude, you’re a genius.”

        • doom musician A: “crap, our album only adds up to 25 minutes!”
          doom musician B: “our songs are each 10+ minutes right?”
          doom musician A: *winks*

    • There seemed to be more stoner bands than marijuana during that time.

  • Vault Dweller

    “make sure you are irretrievably stoned”
    It appears I missed my calling

  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    Matt Pike’s teeth were a inside job.

  • Salvador Dalí Lama
    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      HAHAHAHAHA,

    • IronLawnmower

      Someone I know got their 6 year old brother high.

      • Salvador Dalí Lama

        1st grade teacher: so what did you do over your break?

        Little bro: 420 BLAZED IT, BITCH.

        1st grade teacher: No! Weed is bad for you!

        Little bro: *goes on Joe Rogan-esque 20 minute rant about the benefits and effects of weed and THC*

        • Maik Beninton™

          • DVRKBEVRD

            did you ever get right, tyree?

          • Salvador Dalí Lama

            Weed is the gateway to many bad things though. Like enjoying Cottonmouth Kings, ragretful tattoos, and ripping off Black Sabbath riffs, etc.

          • Super Nintendo Chalmers

            Why the fuck would you sit in the tub with your head by the faucet?

            She smoked to many weeds and went stupid.

        • IronLawnmower

          Pretty much except in a heavy hispanic accent.

        • Stockhausen

          “This guy I know had a friend whose brother had an INCURABLE cancer and his doctor’s tried EVERYTHING and then he had ONE HIT of weed and was like, CURED, man.”

    • Stockhausen

      Classic.

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    These guys totally dropped the ball on the naming thing, but yesterday I rediscovered one of moshoffs top picks from last year. So good.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh9AvjTPOmE

    • Owlswald

      This one is great. The vocals really seal the deal.

  • Warheart

    Numbers in this list are consequences of writing while being stoned. Extreme journalism

    • Dagon

      If I didn’t know the Lizard personally I would say you’re right. The man absolutely hates weed.

      The only thing @Lacertilian loves is telecaster guitars.

      • Lacertilian

        You motherfucker..
        SAY NO TO TELES!

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • DVRKBEVRD

      did you preorder one of dem fancy vinyl?

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Nope, I almost never preorder anything.

        • I used to, then I had 2 bad experiences not getting my orders. So I stopped.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Bummer dude.

          • *inhales*
            that’s a … bummer

          • One of them was the new Abysmal Lord album.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            No shit, from Hells?????

          • Yeah, first issue I ever had with them. They fixed me up of course, but still. Pre-orders can fuck off.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            heres to hoping 20 buck wont jack up my Oranssi Pazuzu preorder

          • Seems like a lot can go wrong during pre-orders. That’s a lot of time for an order to be sitting.

  • My favorite stoner stereotype:

    “man power metal is so nerdy haha I can’t stand all the nerd lyrics”

    “Maaaan I love the Sword!”

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      The Sword is poopy.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      The Sword is good though unlike power metal not named Manilla Road or Riot.

      • Blind Guardian is the greatest band in the universe, so your statement is incorrect

        • Boss the Ross

          Seconded, to an extent.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          You’re joking right?

          • Dubs

            They’re way better than The Sword.

          • Boss the Ross

            I’m not sure how to take this statement.

          • Dubs

            Side with truth and justice.

          • Boss the Ross

            Blind Guardian is the truth, and justice is The Sword.

          • One of the dudes from The Sword has served me good beers on many occasions. By contrast, Blind Guardian hasn’t ever done shit for me.

          • Dubs

            Hansi would probably rub your shoulders if you asked him.

          • Boss the Ross

            Awesome! Have you tried both of Real Ale’s Sword beers?

          • I haven’t. I keep telling myself I will eventually though.

          • Boss the Ross

            Iron Swan was really good, and Ghost Eye was superb.

          • Super Nintendo Chalmers

            This is what happens when your band becomes Dad Rock. You end up having to serve beers part time.

          • You show me a band that doesn’t have part time bartenders, I’ll show you a group of trust fund kids.

          • Super Nintendo Chalmers

            Trust fund kid hate is the real struggle.

    • Dubs

      Or, “Man, all these power metal songs sound the same.”

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Dubs plz! Cirith Ungol is good!

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          HAHAHAHA.

        • Dubs

          If I see one more “plz” in the next ten minutes, I’m banning you.

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        All power metal songs do infact sound the same. They all sound like shit.

        • YourLogicIsFlushed

          I think you’re thinking of poopcore.

        • ME GORAK B.C.™

          POWER METAL AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! HORSE RHINO WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

          https://youtu.be/jqppDmgvG64

          • Boss the Ross

            NOOOO, NO TURNING BAAACK!!!

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Shut up, McNulty!

          • ME GORAK B.C.™

            RONG AGAIN HORSE RHINO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • Maik Beninton™

            He’s George Lynch.

          • ME GORAK B.C.™
        • Dagon

          I took a heavy, floating fatty hot sauce shit the other day.

          It sounded better than power metal.

      • Dagon

        Stop quoting me

  • CyberneticOrganism

    This one is the best of the series. The best.

    http://i.imgur.com/IliGqcv.gif

    • Owlswald

      See exhibit Conan. Fuzzed to shit although it actually works on Blood Eagle.

    • IronLawnmower

      If it doesn’t sound like Satan’s nuclear asshole you failed

      • Spear

        Satan’s Nuclear Asshole would be a great grind band name.

        • IronLawnmower

          Fuckin right

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS LISTEN TO DOOM!

    #DoomRuinsLives

    • and thus my bandcamp bio:

      • Lacertilian

        I think B.S mentioned doing doom at some point.

      • Boss the Ross

        LET THE DOOOOOOOM EMBRACE YOU MCNULTY!!!!!

        • Lacertilian

          He heeded my relentless year long call to get baked to Bongripper not long ago, he’s practically one of us now.
          ONE OF US, ONE OF US!
          (rfi)

    • Boss the Ross

      Doom is eternal, doom is life.

      • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

        I used to think as you do when I was young and naive. Then I started listening to that filthy D**m music and my life went to hell.

        I had a promising career, a girlfriend, and a nice house, but then I lost it all. I stopped showering, I bought an overpriced les Paul and tuned it down to C standard, and I started smoking banana peels.

        My friends and family told me I needed to stop but I couldn’t. Now I am a hollow shell of a man.

        Maybe there’s still hope for you though–turn back before it’s too late.

  • DVRKBEVRD

    NECROS KJM

  • mfw hearing Sleep <3

    http://i.imgur.com/q31Zwwc.png

    • Boss the Ross

      Yep.

      • DVRKBEVRD

        real talk: i used to live stoner metal

        last night: smoke two blunts to the face and had no urge to switch from black to stoner

        • Boss the Ross

          I didn’t think drugs would have an effect on your listening habits. If you’re in the mood for Black Metal, Black Metal it’s going to be.

          • IronLawnmower

            Black metal high is a whitey waiting to happen.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            hey man, its how jazz was invented

          • Boss the Ross

            Haha!

          • ME GORAK B.C.™

            GORAK RENT OUT CAVE 4 BLACK METAL VAYDOS!!!!!!

            https://youtu.be/n8s6jUfU_yA

            https://youtu.be/dNloyxCofts

          • DVRKBEVRD

            one of my fav dark fortress songs

          • ME GORAK B.C.™

            ME ALSO LIKE SILVER GATE & BETRAYAL VENGEANCE!!!!!!!

          • weed opens my attention span WAY up, making doom a lot better to my ears. same with some repetitive black metal

          • Boss the Ross

            Hmm, interesting.

    • dude you’d probably be really good at it. just like cult leaders who don’t actually believe the stuff they preach!

      • Vault Dweller

        Pictured in my imagination:
        Link, ripping ‘joints’ that are just rolled paper and pretending to be high, lead singer and shred king of legendary Venezuelan Stoner band ‘Chavez Chupitraga’, leading a crowd of malcontented Venezuelan stoner Malandros in political revolution.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Heroin?

      • That would work!

        • Maik Beninton™

          Wouldn’t that make you go faster than what’s required?

          • sweetooth0

            Heroin? Faster?

          • Maik Beninton™

            I might be confusing it with cocaine.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            cocaine>>>>>>>

          • Maik Beninton™

            Alright that’s enough you drug addict.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Vitun narkkari

          • sweetooth0

            yup, cocaine up heroin down.

          • pizza toppings -> straight to the meaning of life

  • IronLawnmower

    Bongderry

  • IronLawnmower
  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    Feeling like shit never felt so good.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpVUMuLLqug

    • Boss the Ross

      Killer album.

  • Eliza

    Oh yes, I’ve been wanting to see this since this series was started! I’m not disappointed at all.

    • Lacertilian

      Doom is yet to come.

      • Eliza

        I excited to see how that will be done as well.

      • Boss the Ross

        So stoner and doom will be seperate? Good man.

        • Lacertilian

          The blistering tempo of 40bpm B.S mentioned above is wayy too quick for trve doom.

          • Boss the Ross

            I’m so happy to hear this. I can’t wait.

  • FALLEN EMPIRE RECORDS:

    The shop re-opens tomorrow, February 20th. Here are some of the photos taken by astareth.

    DARKSPACE – DARKSPACE I DLP
    EARTH AND PILLARS – EARTH I LP
    SKÁPHE – SKÁPHE LP
    SKÁPHE – SKÁPHE² LP
    NAWAHARJAN – INTO THE VOID LP

    • DVRKBEVRD

      thanks for the heads up, might have to grab some Skaphe

      • I’ll be (if I’m lucky) picking up both Skaphe albums.

        • DVRKBEVRD

          you think theyll sell out instantly?

          • Hard to tell. I’ll be checking Facebook through out the day to be safe though. I’ve been wanting that first Skaphe album since it came out. Cassettes sold out almost instantly.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            hmmm, ill try and jump on it too. i got the day off, anyhow

          • Same bro-beard.

    • RJA

      Oh hell yes!

  • Eliza

    This album is quite special
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ts3YWVFUnvU

    • Boss the Ross

      OM is amazing. One of my favorites.

      • Eliza

        I remember once playing this album while doing my homework. I couldn’t concentrate on what I was writing, but at the same time, there were few moments when I could focus on my thoughts so well.

        • Boss the Ross

          It’s hard for me to do much of anything when i listen to OM. My headbanging starts to take control of me.

          • Eliza

            People will enjoy music in different ways, I guess. 🙂

          • Boss the Ross

            A very true statement.
            I get crazy looks all the time at work.

          • Eliza

            Isn’t it a little awkward?

          • Boss the Ross

            Not really, i usually just roll with it and get a good laugh from everyone as well.

          • Eliza

            Nice!

    • Dagon

      My favorite Om album is Conference of the Birds.

      It’s based on a fascinating Persian poem.

      • Eliza

        I also adore Pilgrimage, a shame it’s so short though.

  • Eliza
  • Waynecro

    Genius article, man, and further proof that I’m just too sober to appreciate this subgenre. If I started smoking weed all the time, I’d probably dig stoner metal. I’d stop listening to tech death and just stare at the tech-death album covers while listening to shit like Bongzilla and Cannabis Corpse.

    • Boss the Ross

      Different strokes for different folks, i don’t think it’s the drugs.

      • Waynecro

        Natural preference is definitely a factor. Droning, slow, repetitive stuff just tends to bore me.

    • the first handful of times can be a struggle, after that it’s amazing

      • Waynecro

        I think I’ll just stay the course. The new Vipassi broke my dick off and threw it over a fence.

        • DVRKBEVRD

          the ol Larana Bobbitt

        • just as @maikbeninton:disqus said one time… no reason to do something you don’t enjoy!
          (checking out that band… that’s some sensual bass)

          • Waynecro

            Especially when doing things you don’t enjoy makes up about 98 percent of adult life.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            or you could be a masochist, like tapir, and enjoy doing things you dont enjoy

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Like talking to y’all

          • DVRKBEVRD

            ♡♡♡♡♡♡

          • Things are getting hot.

          • DVRKBEVRD
          • Waynecro

            There’s a paradox in there somewhere.

          • Boss the Ross

            Sir Tapir the Paradoxical

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            There’ll be a paradox up your ass soon.

          • Waynecro

            Leave my ass out of this, bucko.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            beware his tiny dick!!!!

          • wayne should just be grateful it’s not a cactus this time

          • You know Wayne, if you’re not careful…

            http://i.imgur.com/h5uUr2k.png

        • Dagon

          That’s in my to-do list and I haven’t listened to it yet.

          • Waynecro

            It’s pretty excellent.

      • Lacertilian

        Or they can be awesome, then life becomes a struggle.

        • life is a struggle… give up (that’s for you Tapir)

          • Lacertilian

            He’s been Oblivionized.

    • Lacertilian

      Everything I enjoy, I enjoy stoned too. Just some things resonate a little more.
      Sorry, resinate.

    • Dagon

      I really dislike tech death and I love the most generic stoner bands. And I barely smoke weed, I’m just slow as shit.

      • Waynecro

        I think one of my old hippy neighbors always gets baked after work, because I smell weed when I’m working out in the garage at roughly the same time every day. I keep expecting someone to look over the fence and say, “Can you, like, turn that awful music down, man? It’s harshing my buzz.”

        • Dagon

          Maybe he is a closeted Necrophagist fan

          • Waynecro

            That would be pretty cool.

  • Mike Alcala

    im the only member of goat bong…the name was a joke amongst friends…i write everything from my bedroom and dont really give a shit if anyone thinks its groundbreaking or going to make any kind of difference in the grand scheme of things…i just wanted to share my music…maybe give enough of a fuck to research the bands before you bash them…fuck you and everything you hold sacred

    • “fuck you and everything you hold sacred”
      LOL. Stay cool, brah.

      • We’ve officially made it. Taken notice by THE Goat Bong. We’ve hit peak success.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        1. Man takes notice of post.
        2. Man notices his band’s logo.
        3. Man is idiot, fails to notice article is obviously humorous.
        4. Man takes a bong hit.
        5. Man’s butt hurts unimaginably much for absolutely no reason.

    • Do you like power metal?