Top 10 Metal Commercials

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If you’re going to sell-out, sell-out all the way.

Commercials. They tell us what we need and want despite not actually needing or wanting said things. They’re the background noise of our lives that most try to block out or at least skip over thanks to DVRs. Heck, even the government hates commercials and passed the CALM Act to regulate how loud Flo from Progressive can be while trying to charm us out of our money.

Despite being pretty damn annoying, I sometimes like watching commercials, especially old ones. There’s something fun and nostalgic about seeing a commercial that you had completely forgotten about. Did you know that Youtube is full of videos solely dedicated to just commercials? Check them out whenever you need to remember what type of toys McDonald’s was selling or if you’re a raging insomniac.

So what does this have to do with metal? At some point, an ad executive heard about this fancy new thing called “heavy metal” that all those kids with expendable income liked. And when there’s money to be made, there’s subcultures to be catered to. Here are the Top 10 Metal Commercials.

Please note: This is not an endorsement of any person, product, or business. I haven’t been paid for any of this, so don’t feel the need to give these places your money. Just watch the videos and laugh (or cringe).

10) Porsche Buyers Just Love Iron Maiden

Nothing says “high-priced luxury vehicle” quite like an Iron Maiden song about war. Seems a bit of an odd choice doesn’t it? Maybe an executive heard that Bruce Dickinson is a pilot and naturally assumed that all metalheads are flush with cash? Perhaps they were trying to tap into the “mid-life crisis” market hoping that aging heshers will want a weiner-extending vehicle in hopes of still attracting young ladies. It probably doesn’t help that this version of “The Trooper” sounds more appropriate for a hoedown than a classy orchestra.

9) Christian Metal – Order Now!

Here is a commercial advertising Testify! The Best Of Christian Metal. Sadly, it’s not just a fake commercial from South Park or Saturday Night Live. It features all your favorite Christian metal bands like Bloodgood, Ruscha, Gardian, White Cross, Neon Cross, and probably 10 other bands with ‘Cross” in their name. What, no Stryper? That seems like a given. Here’s hoping that Testament and Exodus somehow accidentally ended up on this record.

8) Hail Satan and Timex

In the distant past, people used watches to know what time it was. And in the long, long ago, there was a watch company named Timex. Being hip and cool in the 80’s, Timex decided to appeal to metal fans, or at least the parents of metal fans, who would appreciate the sturdiness of a watch that can handle all that heavy bevy metal-wettle nonsense.

“Jimmy, it’s about time you give up playing guitar, wash that makeup off your face, and get a paper route. Time to straighten-up and fly right, son. Maybe in a few years, you can buy a Timex just like your old man. How does that sound? What do you mean ‘Go fuck yourself, Dad’?”

7) Skeletonwitch Commercial

This is a fun little commercial featuring the guys from Skeletonwitch. It’s nice that the boys could take time out of their schedules to help out a local business. It gives you everything you need: Headbanging, sweet riffs, Spinal Tap, mustaches, a disdain for fading technology, and dialogue straight out of Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure. I can only hope that Dave’s Video is still somehow in business.

6) Brent Hinds of Mastodon Has A Rumbley Tummy

I enjoy a good parody, and this commercial for Elmyr’s featuring Brent from Mastodon is great. The little tinkling piano in the background, Brent kneeling and speaking directly into the camera, and random golfing are all perfect. Brent’s past issues with drugs has been well-documented, so it’s really nice to see him be funny and charming in this video for a local food joint. And damn does that burrito look good. No tomatoes on mine, hot sauce on the side please!

5) India Protects Their Stuff With The Power Of Viking Death Metal

Metal truly is an international language, as shown by this commercial from India. What better way to protect your stuff than with some blaring Viking death metal? For those wondering, the song is “Heathen Foray” by Armored Bards. Or to put it another way “The band from Austria that sounds just like Amon Amarth, but isn’t Amon Amarth.” Either way, India goes hard.

As a funny aside, that Pierce The Veil shirt the singer is wearing will one day be inducted into Shirt Stains.

4) Suffocation – History Channel

When you need to convey the vicious brutality of the Dark Ages, you call Suffocation. While some Viking metal may have been slightly more appropriate, I love the fact that Suffocation’s “Bind Torture Kill” was heard in the mainstream, even for a few joking seconds.

If only I could have been in the meeting where this was all decided. Maybe some executive came into the room, suit sleeves ripped off, combat boots instead of dress shoes, and just blasted some “Jesus Wept” until everyone else relented.

3) Black Metal Cough Drops

Out of context, black metal is pretty funny. If we’re being honest, it’s funny even in context a lot of the time. This ad for Zyx cough drops comes from the imaginary land of Finland. It has plenty of black metal tropes like corsepaint, torches, gauntlets and…crabcore stances? Sure, why not. Might as well go for complete comedy. Thanks to the power of Zyx, all that possibly offensive gurgling is replaced with a majestic falsetto more suited for power metal and King Diamond. Funny all around.

2) KFC Black Metal

This commercial is great. They really went all out with this one. The outfits. The stage theatrics. The band named “Helvetica.” This face that’s the physical embodiment of “Leggo my Eggo.”

blackmetalface

I would love to know what non-metal people think of it. Do they know that there are bands that actually look and sound like this? Does it make them want to eat KFC? Judging by the narrator’s voice, this is intended for a European crowd, who probably have a slightly better grasp on metal than Americans. Also, he refers to cole slaw as salad. Amazing! If that counts as salad, then Starbursts now count as fruit.

1) This Dio’s For You

Though it’s just audio, this Dio commercial for Budweiser from 1983 is the best metal commercial ever. I’m sure some beer aficionados would have rather had Dio sing about some dark stout made in a Slovakian fetish club’s bathtub, but I’ll take Dio shilling over bad beer than nothing at all. And it’s set to “Rainbow In The Dark.” I can only hope that Ronnie was slaying a dragon and saving the maiden fair whilst slamming down a few ice cold Buds.

(Image VIA)