Toilet Ov Hell Dumplings à la Nihility

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If you wanted to extend your life by indulging in the process of ingesting organic molecules, you could make dumplings. Or you could just not bother.
It doesn’t matter as the end result is death.
It’s always death.

Fuck it, make some dumplings anyway.

Soup Ingredients

2L /0.5 gal. chicken (or vegetable) stock or just water
ginger (optional)
300g /10.5 oz. noodles (udon are good for this, pool noodles however, are not ideal)
bok choy (any choy is fine, I use Pak choy as that’s the one my lizards prefer)
100g /3.5 oz. snow peas (beans or whatever, doesn’t matter, still comes out brown)
baby corn (the veal of maize)
1tbsp soy sauce
3 spring onions (you can use any onion, who cares)
1 chilli (or eat 7, you think you’re a hero anyway)
fresh coriander (not vital but good for garnish)

Dumpling Ingredients

400g /16 oz. chicken or pork mince (I use pork because chicken mince is feral)
2 spring onions (optional)
1 clove garlic
5 water chestnuts (I just use a can of them)
1tbsp soy sauce
1tbsp cornflour (I’m sure other flours would be ok)

Method

1. In a large saucepan, bring 2L (0.5 gal.) of chicken or vegetable stock (or half and half or even just water if you don’t want to use stock) to the boil on the stove. Put some fresh ginger in, you can use dry ground ginger if you like. If you don’t like ginger, don’t use it, you moron.

2. While you wait for this to boil, get the dumpling ingredients cut up fine, put into a large bowl and mix them together. I have a food processor so I use that to chop it all up and mix, including the mince. Doing it with your hands is fine; just make sure your hands are dirty prior to mixing so you don’t have to add salt or pepper.

3. Make golf ball sized balls out of the mixture, ideally you will do this while the food processor is running and remove all of your fingers so you can’t reply to this post saying how you prefer to buy your food from that local asian takeaway joint or how you have found the coolest cat gif today and feel the need to incessantly yammer about its whimsical attempts to manoeuvre about or its arbitrary ‘cuteness’ level relative to other cat pictures you fawn over.

4. Drop the dumplings into the bubbling stock, making sure to splash yourself with as much boiling liquid as possible, scalding the ever-wrinkling and aesthetically repulsive skin-bag you’re confined to until you rot.

This is the time to cut up some of the vegetables. Start by trimming the snow peas and the choy, if your baby corn needs cutting, you can do that now too, cut the shallots later as they only need to be blanched at the end.

5. After 3 minutes (or whatever arcane measurements you fools use for time), the dumplings will float. You can remove them with a slotted spoon and put them into the bowl you’re going to slovenly eat from. I usually leave mine for another minute or two to make sure they’re cooked all the way through. You on the other hand, like most animals, probably desire instant satisfaction and will remove them immediately in the kind of hasty fervour that you usually attempt to suppress when in the company of other members of your failing species.

6. Once all the dumplings are out of the liquid, add your noodles, the length of time they’ll need to be boiled for is dependant on what type you chose. I’ll let you work it out. I’m sure you think you know better anyway. For the udon noodles I’m using here, it is about 5 minutes.

7. With 3 minutes to go you can begin to add your vegetables to the boil, I start with the hardest/densest ones first because that makes sense. But you don’t like sense, you like chaos. Do something stupid, it will be funny for that awesome youtube channel you run. Everyone will remember that for the rest of their lives. Their children’s children will someday learn about the supreme hilarity and unique nature of you, the almighty individual.

After a couple of minutes, everything will be cooked and you can ladle the noodles, vegetables and some broth over the dumplings (that you’ve already started eating) in your bowl.
Garnish with some freshly cut coriander and chilli, or don’t, it matters not.
Serve immediately, because you weren’t going to wait anyway.

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  • Lacertilinger

    Forgot to add a difficulty rating, who can cook this:

  • “The veal of maize”
    /dead

    • Pagliacci is Kvlt

      That and “1 chilli (or eat 7, you think you’re a hero anyway)” had me snorting snots out my nose.

      • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

        Kinda reminds me of Anthony Bourdain’s ‘Le Halles Cookbook’. It’s like Mastering The Art Of French Cooking, but with his smart ass sense of humor and lots of cursing.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      I had that same line copied to post down here. Stolen glory.

  • Tyree

    Yes, food is good. I’d douse that with hot sauce.

    Full Hæthen set at Dissociative Visions 2015.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jS1iz9InoEs

  • The Fish Boz

    DUDE I AM SO MAKING THIS

    one day.

  • The Fish Boz

    What does a water chestnut taste like? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find one here.

    • you are missing out, mister. they don’t taste like much, but they have THE best texture of any food ever.

      • Gorod released a new song, but I can’t hear it because I’m in the U.S. ://////////////////////////////////////////// ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

        • shiiiiiiiiiit, can we get @moshoff:disqus to re-post it for us?

          • idk it’s one some new streaming service called deezer that isnt available in the US yet. That’s right, someone actually said: “hey I think deezer would be a good name for our new streaming service!”

          • better yet, someone actually said: “there aren’t enuf music streaming services, let’s try and make a new one”

          • JFK: I, er, uploaded yo-ah album to Deezer
            You: Deezer who?
            JFK: Deez, er nuts. Now-ah, I, er, gotta go to Dallas.

            /this is the worst joke I’ve ever written.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            GOTIM

          • Mother Shabubu 4

            I heard JFK is the life of the party in heaven. He fills his head with salsa and gives everyone chips.

          • high-five @disqus_77PBSiK8Ug:disqus:
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQU4bbPbr7w

          • Bozamole Jim

            I er-ah wanna pahty plattah!

          • OldMetalHead

            🙂

          • JW(E)G

            I think I got a subscription for a year to that with my new Bluetooth speaker…

            Though it may just be another similarly weirdly named European streaming service. They sure come up with some real doozies (deezers?).

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            It is available only on Deezer, you should have lived in Finland, jerks.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            #Finlandmasterrace

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Prime minister has more power.
            #OlliImmonen4PrimeMinister

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Prime minister is not enough for that great man.
            #OlliImmonen4GrandEmperorOfFinland

        • OldMetalHead

          Tried Tunnel Bear or something?

      • The Fish Boz

        Crunchy water? I can get behind that.

  • Anyone else read it as “Toilet Ov Hell Dumpings”?

    • totes. Twas rambo-banging fo sho. Byah.

      GL

  • DCLXVI

    more beef please

    • I like your avatar, buddy.

      GL

    • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

      Damn, that avatar is brutal!

  • so you don’t wrap up the dumplings? i’m used to the frozen kind (cause bachelor) like these:
    http://cdn-image.myrecipes.com/sites/default/files/styles/300×300/public/image/recipes/su/07/02/dumplings-su-635649-x.jpg

    • more beer

      Fast easy and tasty! I’ eat those all the time.

    • JW(E)G

      I have a hell of a time finding dumpling wraps that aren’t made from wheat flour, so this article’s unwrapped cornflour version appeals quite a bit.

      • just seems like, with my luck, all the stuff i wrapped into a ball would fall apart and turn into goop

    • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

      Same here. Thankfully they have awesome ones at the dollar store up the street from me.

    • Lacertilinger

      Nah, I think these ones are supposed to be healthier or whatever, you could wrap them but that would be a bit more involved. This is just real quick and easy.
      The fact that they’re not wrapped is why they’re the Dumpling a la nothingness/Nihility.
      I getcha with the bachelor bit but I only cook for 2, so it’s not that drastic a difference. Maybe you could try this one when you lure a potential Mrs McNulty into the interrogation rooms?

  • EsusMoose

    I may have to try this with an additional fuck ton of cooked chicken because that’s how I stroll.

    • Also, with cheese curds. Cuz Wisconsin!

      GL

      • EsusMoose

        I’m a slight failure in that respect, I like deep fried cheese curds but never tried regular cheese curds. Crucifiy me upon a bed of cheese if you must

  • DCLXVI

    I made a stir fry last night with some bok choy, snow peas, onion and broccoli. and BEEF.
    It was dank

    • We made a dish we call “Spicey Chicken” last night

      Cook 1lb chicken, shred it.
      Mix 1 jar of hot salsa in it.
      Put the chicken/salse on top of a bed of Frito Chile Chips
      Lettuce/cheese/crushed red peppers!

      /meltyourface

      GL

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      I like making my stir fry with beef. I usually use several varieties of pepper, mushrooms, and broccoli.

      • Nice. gah I have a hankering for broccoli now.

      • DCLXVI

        nice. I don’t really have a taste for the various varieties of bell peppers, it gives me horrible heartburn.

        I’ve been getting the dankest fresh veggies this year….my parents have bumper crop of almost everything in the garden this year..,,broccoli, peas, beans, carrots, radishes, squash, cukes, eggplants…and it’s barely even August….it’s been a dank growing season here in the north east this year…

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          Man, that sounds amazing.

        • OldMetalHead

          Because it’s been raining every other fucking day, likely 😛

  • Bozamole Jim

    Zomg this looks so good

  • Lacertillian>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    One of the best cookings yet, as far as the text is concerned.

  • RustyShackleford

    Learning to cook from a metal blog>>>>>>>>>>>

    • yep!

    • Now we just need to convince food network to post some kvlt shit and we’ll have come full circle.

      • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

        I’M GIADA DE LAURENTIIIIIIIIIIIIS! OPEN THIS KITCHEN PIT UP!

        (RFI)

        • She gonna go through a lotta corpse paint covering that melon.

        • OldMetalHead

          How does she stay so damn skinny? She must not eat her own food. Barefoot Countessa, now she eats her own food.

          • Mother Shabubu 4
          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Well, when you’re wealthy, you can often afford things like personal trainers and expensive diets.

          • more beer

            You’re an old guy. You ever seen Two Fat Broads They were fat old ladys who made everything with lard. Their goal was to make everyone fat.

          • OldMetalHead

            Don’t think I ever caught that one. I didn’t start watching cooking shows until after I was married. Bam!

          • more beer

            I just figured if any one here saw it before it was you Taco Riff or KJM.

          • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

            One of the people who works on her show came out about that.

            http://pagesix.com/2014/11/20/skinny-giada-spits-out-everything-she-cooks/

        • Mother Shabubu 4

          Giada fucking sucks. All she ever does is make salads or shit that requires minimal effort and cooking.

        • The Fish Boz

          Sorry but Nigella is the real MVP, always will be

          http://macoproject.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/nigella3.jpg?w=860

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Only Paula Deen and butter are real.

          • nice personalities!
            -Jack Buaer

          • ME GORAK B.C.™

            SHE MY NEW BREAST FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • Lacertilinger

          Who is that?

      • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

        Oh god no! FN is an insult to anything and everything chef related (this coming from a former chef).

        • OldMetalHead

          I did like watching Alton Brown’s show though.

          • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

            Alton Brown rules! Ever see the episode of Anthony Bourdain’s ‘The Layover’ where he hangs out with Alton and the country’s oldest stripper?

          • OldMetalHead

            Yeah. Classic 🙂

    • more beer

      Metal heads gotta eat too!

      • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

        That’s where Soilent Green comes in.

    • KJM

      You won’t get this at MS or Blabbermouth, certainly not at Lambgoat.

      • They should roast lambs in Lambgoat.

        And writers in MS.

        And…

        Commenters in Blabbermouth.

        Yup!

        • KJM

          Go visit the Lambgoat forum sometime. The commenters there make BMouth look like a MENSA meeting.

          • I can’t visit those places without wanting to unsheath my Malandro Killer Blade +5.

          • KJM

            It’s hilarious though. They act like they’re friends but all they do is insult each other all day long.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Kinda like commenters on TovH.

          • cosigned

          • Maik Bozinton™
          • KJM

            No, seriously. They are the 180 degree opposite of us.

          • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

            But at least we’re kidding around, and meet up afterwards to give each other oil massages, eat ice cream and take naps.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Yeah, kidding… Of course…

          • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

            Oooooooooh, everyone knows you’re all gum drop smiles and swimming down rivers of honey and chocolate in real life!

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            None of you know me irl.

          • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

            We know you like nibbling on people’s crotches and being tickled! Exhibit A in the case against the tapir:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtCsQF8DN60

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Again, that’s not me. I am a part of an undiscovered tapir species. There are no pictures or videos of me. Also, I don’t like to be touched.

          • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

            Except when you’re being tickled by Joe’s tiny little hands!

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I thought that joke was not allowed anymore.

          • Atomic Wedgie Massacre
          • OldMetalHead

            There are some decent commenters among the trolls @MS (mostly some of you guys), but this is by far my favorite blog now.

          • KJM

            MS is Happy Valley compared to Lambgoat.

          • Atomic Wedgie Massacre

            I checked out LG a month or so ago, and goddamn……….. it’s like the worst racist trolls from TMZ, but with spikes and rodeo clown corpse paint.

    • Atomic Wedgie Massacre
      • OldMetalHead

        Loved all 4 of those!

  • I must make this, record me fucking it up and put the video on youtube.

  • J.R.™

    I have mega cholesterol so I am not allowed to eat. Please be more considerate with the content you post because this delicious food thing is triggering me #downwithdumplings #lizardsarefoodtoo

  • Atomic Wedgie Massacre
  • Waynecro

    That looks awesome. Totally reminds me how much I miss this awesome noodle restaurant in the Bay Area. I moved to Southern California a few months ago and haven’t found anything similar enough to give me my noodle-soup fix. Vermicelli and rice-stick noodles, about five kinds of unidentifiable meet, shrimp, tendon meatballs, and cracklins. Best postworkout carb backload ever.

  • Vladimir Poutine

    You are a talented and gracious reptile, sir. If ever you find yourself in my corner of the globe (I realize that term is contradictory) I’ll buy you a beer.

    • Lacertilinger

      I’m still yet to find a decent source of pork belly to try your recipe.
      It’s winter here so it appealed to me in a primal sense.
      You’re in NE USA right?

      • Vladimir Poutine

        Boston area, yeah.

        If belly’s not available just go with pork butt- it’s cheap, widely available, and easier on the recipe. Belly can get a little tricky sometimes if you don’t render out enough fat before adding it to the stew- turns it too greasy, even with skimming.