TOILET BEER: A REVIEW

This is not a recipe for brewing beer in your home toilet. Nor is it a celebration of the Budweiser line of products. No–this is an article about drinking beer while sitting on the toilet. Below, I present to you 7 Reasons to Drink a Beer on the Toilet. Most of you will see the immediate appeal in all seven items because you are fine, fun-loving people and you know what is best in life–which is already implicit in the fact that you are reading this blog. But if you should find yourself interpreting the list as “7 Reasons Why I Never Wanted to Drink Toilet Beer in the First Place” then you can arse right off!

— 7 REASONS TO DRINK A BEER ON THE TOILET —

 

1. SITTING ON THE TOILET IS BORING

Unless you have stumbled upon this blog in the hopes of indulging some kind of banal potty-fetish, you will agree. This is why they make books specifically for reading while popping the proverbial ol’ Squat. (It is also, I believe, why most of Camus’s work is still in print.) But reading anything worthwhile on the toilet is difficult unless you are a quick reader or you’ve got medical problems or you regularly sequester yourself behind the bathroom door for twenty-minutes-to-an-hour in order to escape your spouse and/or loinspawn. Short poems, flash fiction, any given excerpt from Joe Wenderoth’s Letters to Wendy’s: these are all fitting companions for whiling away the minutes during any strictly-business-related visit to the Chamber of Shame. And you know what makes great toilet reading even better? A fuckin’ beer. A book in one hand, a brew in the other, and the immaculate silence of complete solitude. Yes, friends, sitting on the toilet may be boring, but Drinking a Beer on the Toilet is Funner’n Hell!

 

2. THERE IS NO WRONG TYPE OF BEER TO DRINK ON THE TOILET

When any of us try to imagine popping a toilet beer, our minds doubtless turn immediately to Bud Light of Busch or High Life. And why not? Taking a piss or shit (or the two-for-one exgravaganza: BOTH) is just about the most abject behavior in which a human being can engage, short of domestic abuse or genocide or sniffing glue. The most obvious fit for such activity, then, is an abject beer. Anything you can purchase in quantities of eighteen or more for under one dollar per unit is perfect for the occasion. Tastes like piss going in; tastes like piss coming out. The most sacred circle of life, more fundamental than even the paltry cycle of birth-copulation-death.

And you know what’s even better? Drinking an expensive, high quality, craft tier brew while your body voids itself of waste. Why is it better? Because of the delightful, rebellious disparity between the two actions. It’s like seeing a street urchin dressed in DKNY; like hearing Chopin in a Walmart; like watching someone attempt to purchase Patrón with food stamps. Go ahead, crack into a Bell’s or Dogfish Head or Saint Archer while occupying the throne. Go ahead and stick out your pinky finger while you sip gingerly from your bottle/mug/snifter of stout or tripel or rye IPA. No one will judge you (if and only if they cannot see you).

 

3. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO DRINK A BEER ON THE TOILET

Just do what feels right, live in the moment, etc. Savor that Schlitz as if it had been drawn from the Fountain of Youth. Or shotgun that can of Mike Hess “Solis” like it’s nothing more valuable than a pint of Mickey’s Malt Liquor. If you’ve got the time and sinktop space, bring a lime with you, cut out a wedge and push it into your Corona. Hell, push it into your Steele 211 or Chimay for all anyone cares. Nurse your beer pensively while you contemplate time travel or plan your divorce or hash out the broad strokes of that novel you’ve always been meaning to write. Shake your beer violently before opening, point it directly at your face and be washed of all your sins by a foaming geyser of Pure Love. Again, no one will judge you. (Make sure you’ve got extra toilet paper on hand.)

 

4. WHY SHOULD SHOWER BEER HAVE ALL THE FUN?

It shouldn’t. Shower beer is for beginners. Shower beer was cool in 2010. Shower beer used to be for hard-working alcoholics. It used to be something many people enjoyed but never spoke (much less blogged) about. These days shower beer is for people who listen to 26 Pilots or whatever the fuck. Which is not to say that the basic act of drinking a beer in the shower has become unpleasurable. It hasn’t. It’s still pretty swell–especially if your shower comes equipped with a seating apparatus of some kind. It’s just that the thrill of shower beer has been dulled by its insidious mainstream popularity. Hell, I just read an article which sited scientific research into why drinking a cold beer in a hot shower is so darn relaxing. I shan’t bore you with those details here. I don’t need fucking science to tell me why drinking a cold beer on the toilet is righteous. Just like I don’t need no fucking man to help me out of my boots when I’m drunk.

 

5. TRANSGRESSING SOCIETAL NORMS WITHOUT BREAKING THE LAW

It goes beyond the relaxation. Beyond the novelty. Let’s admit it. The appeal of consuming alcoholic beverages in spaces either explicitly or tacitly designated for anything but is deeply psychological. We of Legal Drinking Age are beset by laws and social obligations and familial responsibilities and debts to various shadowy government or corporate entities. We’re drowning in administrative adversity and filial acrimony and a whole bunch of shit we simply do not wish to do. Every once in a while (why not nightly?) it is an immense relief to say “fuck it all”; to capitulate to our most perverse instincts; to hoist a priapic middle finger in the face of all the forces vying for control of our pithy lives. I can think of no more poignant way of telling your better half or the Tax Man or the circle of friends who daily impose your dignity upon you to “get proper fucked” than to consume one or more beers in the midst of paying butt-homage to the CHUDS who dwell in the sewers beneath your domicile.

 

6. WITH TOILET BEER YOU TOO CAN GO META!

Right about now you may be asking yourself: Self, is it possible to drink a beer on the toilet while reading The Toilet? The answer is yes–probably. I think it depends on your Thetan levels. If you have a low level of Thetans, drinking a beer on the toilet while reading The Toilet might cause you to burst open like a marshmallow held too long over an open flame. If you have a high Thetan level, i.e. you are a sane person and do not participate in the Thetan-clearing shenanigans of the Church of Scientology, then you should be okay. (If you are drinking a beer on the toilet while reading this particular Toilet article, congratulation: You have already won Life.)

 

7. TOILET BEER IS METAL AS FUCK

Yup. No need to elaborate or provide supporting evidence. This one is self-evident. And you know what else is metal as fuck?

Metal.

 

Toilet Beer has Achieved the Most Coveted 5/5 Flaming Toilets ov Hell

Toilet Beer is now available wherever there are both toilets and beer. I’d check with Iron Bonehead first. If they don’t have it, try Profound Lore.

  • Grvm Spectre ov Derth

    You know what they say, don’t shit where ya drink.

    • Wet W’s Whistle

      Who says that?

      • Grvm Spectre ov Derth

        Uhh…people from…France. Yeah. let’s go with it being a French thing.

        • Wet W’s Whistle

          I don’t believe you. You’ve never been anywhere that doesn’t have a youth hockey league.

          • Grvm Spectre ov Derth

            Oh not in France, no. It’s an Albany expression.

          • Wet W’s Whistle

            You’re lying again.

          • Grvm Spectre ov Derth

            Incorrect. I’m spamming Simpson references again.

        • Joaquin Stick

          You mean the inventors of the toilet water fountain don’t encourage bathroom drinking?

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    And here’s the most metal soda around: Irn Bru.
    Made in Scotland, from girders!

    http://foodanddrink.scotsman.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/IRN-BRU-2-1-750×400.jpg

    • JWG79

      Near instant sugar coma, that.

      I should have anticipated as much from its radioactive orange hue, TBH.

      • The Mighty Thorange

        It has a metric fuck ton of caffeine in it too!

    • The Mighty Thorange

      As a proud Scotsman, I approve this message. Cannae get enough of the stuff and the only legitimate hangover cure. Originally made in my hometown too.

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Scots are crazy about this drink. I only have a soda on occasion, but I recently tasted the stuff and I immediately ordered me a pack.

        • The Mighty Thorange

          I had to force myself to cut down my intake because I have put myself on a diet and all I drink now is water and alcohol. I will still have the occasional bottle n the odd weekend or if I am hungover.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Are you from Glasgow?
            Always was under the impression that Irn Bru was manufactured over there.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            I am originally from Falkirk where Irn Bru was invented by Barr but they moved to the whole business to Glasgow in the 40’s (my Grandparents remember them moving out of own).

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Oh cool. To be honest, Glasgow is the Scottish city I’m the most familiar with.
            And the reason for this is a bit out of the ordinary lol. I’ve always had a huge interest in researching organized crime and mob activities and stuff like that. And whenever I’m reading a bit on organized crime in the UK, Glasgow is always one of the cities (next to London and Liverpool) that pops up most often hahaha.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            Glasgow has a reputation for being rough. Old working class industrial shipbuilding city which suffered from poverty and neglect in the 80’s because of conservative governments and led to a rise in rampant crime and drug and alcohol addiction epidemics. Fantastic place though. It has vastly improved in recent years. Urban renewal and new money and support coming since the Scottish Parliament was created has helped immensely. Everyone is really friendly and usually happy to help lost tourists and stuff. Just don’t go near the East end. You could very well get stabbed.

          • Óðinn

            “Glasgow has a reputation for being rough. Old working class industrial shipbuilding city which suffered from poverty and neglect in the 80’s because of conservative governments and led to a rise in rampant crime and drug and alcohol addiction epidemics. Fantastic place though.” Love it.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            Like I said it has got much better in past 20 years. Everyone’s friendly and the place has it’s own unique feel to it. Great for metal gigs. There are just some places that you still want to avoid. And for the love of Odin, DO NOT BRING UP LOCAL FOOTBALL TEAMS!

          • Óðinn

            “I’m a Falkirk supporter.” *gets instantly stabbed*

            I just thought it was funny how you describe all of the negatives, and then said “Fantastic place though”. It made me laugh. Never been to Glascow personally. Would like to visit someday though.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            I would recommend it. But you can get other places from there. Edinburgh is a 30 minute train ride away if you like history and castles. The Trossachs and Loch Lomand is about an hours drive away which I would encourage because it’s breathtaking scenery.

          • Óðinn

            Aye. I do like history and castles. Plus, my ancestors were Scots. My DNA is a veritable mélange of northern European Nords, Gaels, Angles, and Saxons.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            Good to hear. Edinburgh and Stirling have two of the best existing historical castles in the world. Stirling also has the William Wallace Monument and the centre for the Battle of Bannockburn, you know, the huge battle at the end of Braveheart that is cut out despite the fact that it was bigger and more epic than anything Wallace was involved in.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            Here’s one of the most interesting Glaswegian crime stories in my opinion, if you haven’t already heard of it before. http://www.sickchirpse.com/the-truth-behind-glasgows-brutal-ice-cream-van-wars/

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Oh yeah I already read that article once.
            Also read a lot of stuff about the Daniel family and such.

          • Al Bvndy
          • The Mighty Thorange

            Ah, Taggart! That is a genuine cultural institution, that is. Same as this (if you can understand the accents, haha!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15KZGx2fMx8

          • Al Bvndy

            Yeah man. Still game and Rab C Nesbit are both institutions you should cherish!

          • The Mighty Thorange

            I certainly do!

      • Óðinn

        IRN BRU, fried egg sandwich, and Vicodin; kills hangovers dead.

    • This looks godawful and I want it

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Oh once you had a taste of this fizzy liquid source of diabetes, you WILL want it.

      • The Mighty Thorange

        It’s fucking amazing stuff and you should keep an eye out for it.

        • Óðinn

          I might actually grab one today. The corner store near my current office sells it.

      • Óðinn
    • Óðinn

      Haha! IRN BRU. The official soda of Scotland. I admit that I enjoy an IRN BRU on occasion. It’s a bit of an acquired taste, but I like it.

    • Al Bvndy

      You’ve not lived until you’ve thrown up the morning after a full night of Vodka & Irn Bru.

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Does it mix well with vodka?

        • The Mighty Thorange

          It mixes with pretty much everything. I would recommend Jagermeister or rum though. Although I use it to get rid of the hangover and the last thing I want to taste when I am hungover is the thing I drinking the night before.

        • Al Bvndy

          Well enough. It’s kind of like vodka & Red Bull. It does the job for when beer gets too filling.

    • The Mighty Thorange
      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Still waiting for my pack to arrive 🙁

        • The Mighty Thorange

          That’s shite man. I can just walk into any shop in the country and buy this. But good things come to those who wait!

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    If you need reliable reviews of any particular beer to drink on the toilet I suggest you consult Mr. In Your Liver –

    https://mrinyourhouse4.bandcamp.com/album/mr-in-your-liver-the-beer-reviewing-album

  • nbm02ss

    I’m a fan of drinking beer in the shower, but while shitting? Ehh…

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I’ve passed out drunk on the toilet a few times but I don’t like it much ’cause my pee always burns when I wake up.

  • Wet W’s Whistle

    Fun fact: Richter typed this article about drinking beer on the toilet for Toilet while sitting on his toilet drinking beer.

  • Eliza

    10/10 post, essential and very necessary read.

  • Toilet beers seem like a stepping stone to toilet vodka and eventually toilet mouthwash on the steps to becoming a degenerate drunk.

    • Wet W’s Whistle

      I prefer Toilet merlot for when I’m feeling classy and sassy. And a little assy and gassy.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    A perfect rating for a perfect activity.

  • JWG79

    Toilets tend to have to be temporarily condemned after I’m through with them.

    I don’t think I should risk associating beer with that, and vice versa.

  • Joaquin Stick

    Fuck yes. Alcohol, like music, makes all life-required tasks better. No exceptions. Cleaning, eating, driving, mowing the lawn, plotting a coup, cooking, working out. You know, the usual stuff.

  • Count_Breznak

    8. Why would you quit drinking beer using the toilet ?

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    I basically spend all my time on the toilet on this here toilet

  • KJM, Doom Scientist

    My friend does bong hits during his morning poop.

  • Never ever discriminate on the location of beer drinking. Each and ever space in life is special.

    Nvr forget.

    GL

  • Sight Vnseen

    Ha. Dropped my clothes off at the laundromat then came home to drink a beer, do my buissness, and catch up on news. Pretty standard Wensday for me.

  • FAVORITE PLACE TO DRINK A BEER, GO!

    While taking a golf cart ride.

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    Thank you for this article, Richter.

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs
  • RustyShackleford

    Toilet beer is GOOD but not as good as toilet COFFEE which just makes my morning bowel movement much much smoother. Facts. YEP!

  • i like to drive around and drink beers (N/A beers, mind you) and toss the empty cans at passers-by, while swerving down the road with the windows rolled down and waving my arms out the window, screaming at everybody, taking a baseball bat to mailboxes and lawn statues. then when the cops pull me over, GOTCHA! can’t arrest me…cause it’s N/A beer!

  • tigeraid

    TIL that drinking beer on the toilet is not exclusive to typical Southern Metal/Pantera bros. It’s even for Richters!

  • Hans Copronym

    I think I would’ve checked Hell’s Headbangers for Toilet Beer first.

    I greatly enjoy your reviews, but surely, this is some sort of pinnacle. Like, sample-of-work-attached-to-resumé type stuff. One for the ages.

  • Óðinn
  • “Tastes like piss going in; tastes like piss coming out”

    Why do you know what it tastes like coming out?

    • Because it IS piss coming out. So one could reasonably assume that it tastes like piss–even if one has never tasted piss. Now, as to how I know it tastes like piss going in . . . (I drink my own piss.)

  • Waynecro

    Excellent work, Richter, though I think I’ll stick to drinking Coke Zero on the couch.

    • Coke Zero is for . . .

      . . . zeroes.

      • Waynecro

        You must be a Pepsi man.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Peroni gran riserva >>>>>>

  • Max

    “Why should shower beer have all the fun?”

    I have to admit I laughed at that.

  • InfinityOfThoughts

    I don’t care what you say Richter, I WILL SEE YOU AT THE PARTY.

  • CONAN The GATEKEEPER OF METAL
  • axeslasher

    Full support. Hail the toilet beer!

  • Dumpster Lung

    Finally got around to catching up on things around here. I’m not even a beer guy at all, and I still thoroughly enjoyed this article!