Bitter ex-coworker gets nothing.
SYDNEY, NEW SOUTH WALES – Surprising news in the world of metal today, as the remaining members of popular Australian deathcore company Thy Art is Murder have announced that their office pool won this week’s world record-setting $1.3 billion Powerball jackpot. This news comes as a shock to all parties, particularly vocalist C.J. McMahon, who recently departed the group due to unsatisfactory salary negotiations.
“Wait, they did what?”, commented McMahon, who previously and perhaps dubiously claimed of Thy Art is Murder Co. financials, “To put the finances into perspective for you, I/we have earned between $16k-$18k each over 6-7 years.”
“We all just kinda fell into this gig. You know how it is”, noted bassist Kevin Butler, who purchased the winning ticket for the office pool. “You graduate high school and kinda kick around for a few years at your local deathcore company. When we first started, MySpace and embarrassing lyrics about religion were our primary resources. But we’ve weathered some tough markets to emerge where we are now. Nobody’s getting rich this way, but I’m proud of all we’ve accomplished.”
“Wait”, added Butler. “Except we ARE rich. Filthy fucking rich. Huzzah!”
“A lot of people quit their jobs when they come upon a great sum of money”, explained Guitarist Andy Marsh . “The way I see it, I’ve already got my dream job. This money will just make me and my family a little more comfortable. That’s the point of money, right? And I may upgrade the florescent lights in the office to more natural lighting. And I suppose I could buy Tidal. We got Jay-Z Fuck You money now!”
“My heart’s not exactly breaking for him”, drummer Lee Stanton added in reference to departed vocalist C.J. McMahon. “He weighed his options and left his cubicle of his own accord. I was sad to see him go, but it’s damned embarrassing for a former coworker to tell the world how much money you make. Besides, he never kicked in for the office lotto pool anyway. CJ would always go on and on, telling us that ‘The Lottery is a tax for the desperate and the stupid blah blah blah’. I’d always just ignore him and continue updating my deathcore spreadsheets. Well how d’ya like me now, McMahon? I’m updating my deathcore spreadsheets with a fuckin’ Corsair K-95.”
We spoke with Sean Delander, Thy Art is Murder guitarist and noted Australian, about his plans for the sudden windfall. “Yeh, I reckon I’ll buy a pool fulla Eucalyptus and start me own Koala orchard. Real noice-like.”
“Noice”, interjected Andy Marsh.
“Noice”, agreed Lee Stanton.
“Noice”, confirmed Kevin Butler, amid a flurry of tossed $100 bills.
As of press time, McMahon was overheard weeping and mumbling to himself “Once you factor in all the taxes, $1.3 billion really isn’t anything.”