Thy Art is Murder Win Powerball Office Pool

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Bitter ex-coworker gets nothing.

SYDNEY, NEW SOUTH WALES – Surprising news in the world of metal today, as the remaining members of popular Australian deathcore company Thy Art is Murder have announced that their office pool won this week’s world record-setting $1.3 billion Powerball jackpot. This news comes as a shock to all parties, particularly vocalist C.J. McMahon, who recently departed the group due to unsatisfactory salary negotiations.

“Wait, they did what?”, commented McMahon, who previously and perhaps dubiously claimed of Thy Art is Murder Co. financials, “To put the finances into perspective for you, I/we have earned between $16k-$18k each over 6-7 years.”

“We all just kinda fell into this gig. You know how it is”, noted bassist Kevin Butler, who purchased the winning ticket for the office pool. “You graduate high school and kinda kick around for a few years at your local deathcore company. When we first started, MySpace and embarrassing lyrics about religion were our primary resources. But we’ve weathered some tough markets to emerge where we are now. Nobody’s getting rich this way, but I’m proud of all we’ve accomplished.”

“Wait”, added Butler. “Except we ARE rich. Filthy fucking rich. Huzzah!”

Thy Art is Murder’s winning ticket

“A lot of people quit their jobs when they come upon a great sum of money”, explained Guitarist Andy Marsh . “The way I see it, I’ve already got my dream job. This money will just make me and my family a little more comfortable. That’s the point of money, right? And I may upgrade the florescent lights in the office to more natural lighting. And I suppose I could buy Tidal. We got Jay-Z Fuck You money now!”

“My heart’s not exactly breaking for him”, drummer Lee Stanton added in reference to departed vocalist C.J. McMahon. “He weighed his options and left his cubicle of his own accord. I was sad to see him go, but it’s damned embarrassing for a former coworker to tell the world how much money you make. Besides, he never kicked in for the office lotto pool anyway. CJ would always go on and on, telling us that ‘The Lottery is a tax for the desperate and the stupid blah blah blah’. I’d always just ignore him and continue updating my deathcore spreadsheets. Well how d’ya like me now, McMahon? I’m updating my deathcore spreadsheets with a fuckin’ Corsair K-95.”

We spoke with Sean Delander, Thy Art is Murder guitarist and noted Australian, about his plans for the sudden windfall. “Yeh, I reckon I’ll buy a pool fulla Eucalyptus and start me own Koala orchard. Real noice-like.”

“Noice”, interjected Andy Marsh.

“Noice”, agreed Lee Stanton.

“Noice”, confirmed Kevin Butler, amid a flurry of tossed $100 bills.

As of press time, McMahon was overheard weeping and mumbling to himself “Once you factor in all the taxes, $1.3 billion really isn’t anything.”

Thy Art is Murder, prior to striking it rich without C.J. McMahon


 

(Image Via, via)

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  • Dubs

    >Thy Art is Murder guitarist and noted Australian

    Top lol

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Ayyyy.

  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    Office Pool’s best song was “Bodies”.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      That’s Drowning Pool. If I won the Powerball Id be happy.

      • Dubs

        No, it’s clearly Office Pool. Their debut album was Winner.

        • Their winning numbers were ONE, (nothin’ wrong with me) TWO (nothin’ wrong with me), and THREE (nothin’ wrong with me).

      • If I won the Powerball Id be happy.

        • Gross.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          “happy”

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        If I won the Powerball I’d still be sad because money won’t take the pain away

        • $1.3B will certainly buy me enough opiates to keep any pain any for the rest of my life. I’m good with that.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Opiates will take the physical pain away, but I still exist :[

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Awww, Tapir is in love with the void.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            The void is a poser

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            The void doesn’t care, as you’re one that wants to embrace it.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I don’t have to embrace the void. I was born in it, molded by it.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Awww, this is cute.

        • Waynecro

          A great deal of sad comes from the need for money–for example, working a job that murders your soul because you have to pay the bills. Becoming stinking rich instantly would eliminate much of this sad. Sure, you’d still be left with emotional pain, but not having to work would free up time for you to turn yourself into stone. Boom. Problems solved.

          • The thought of never having to work again and having an open schedule are why I’m going to thrown down on this because my goal in life is to do nothing.

          • Waynecro

            I’m totally with you there, dude. My recent vacation reminded me of how much I love having nothing to do.

          • Going on a vacation with no itinerary is the best thing to do. Time goes much slower when you don’t a schedule to keep.

          • Waynecro

            Because of work, diabetes, and my fitness/diet routine, my daily life is extremely scheduled and regimented. Sometimes I just need a goddamned break.

          • If I didn’t have to work I would probably lose my goddamned mind. I need something to fill in the time.

          • Dubs

            I’d still do some kind of work if I won the lottery. Like carpentry.

          • Dubs

            I don’t watch Parks and Rec, so I don’t follow the adventures of Bacon-and-Eggs man.

          • Really? Do you just not like the show or have you just not attempted to watch it yet?

          • Dubs

            I haven’t attempted. I watch very little TV, honestly. My reticence to start it was probably because I didn’t think the Office was very funny and because people on Reddit seemed to think Parks and Rec is great, so I never got interested.

          • Waynecro

            I was basically forced to watch it. At about five episodes in, I was glad I started.

          • I understand that. I don’t watch much TV now that I’m active.

          • I liek Parks n’ Rec. Do not liek Office

          • I can agree with this.

          • but Aubrey … and Rashida

          • Waynecro

            I’d probably focus on my own writing instead of spending all my time cleaning up the shoddy writing of a bunch of lazy analyst fucktards.

          • Stockhausen

            I would tell myself that I would focus on writing/music/art, but in reality I’d fart a lot and eat pizza while watching reruns of The Office.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            This sounds amazing, and I already damn near do this.

          • Stockhausen

            I wouldn’t even import fancy pizza or fancy farts.

          • Just Trailer Pants.

            EDIT: FILLED WITH FANCY FARTS!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            What’s the point? I mean, you’re already comfortable.

          • You have won.

          • 1/1 did win, would play and then win, again, yes!

          • Stockhausen

            EYPETERMAN

          • Dubs

            My track coach in high school’s last name was Peters, so I’d always call him Peterman like Lawrence here.

          • Waynecro

            You can create while farting, eating pizza, and watching The Office. Multitasking, bro.

          • Stockhausen

            You mean I can do all that AND drink beer??

          • Waynecro

            You’d pretty much have to!

          • Damn, I almost miss that lifestyle.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
          • I would build a bitching tree farm…. and then… 80 years from now I would sell you my lumber. We will be in our wood working prime at 108 years young.

          • I’d use the money to create a convent for all of us toileteers to frolic around in.

          • I WILL HAVE NUN OF THAT

            #nunjoke

          • Waynecro

            BEING SO NEGATIVE IS A BAD HABIT!

          • Oh, I would take on a bunch of hobbies – writing and recording music, would learn video making and editing and would chill out when I felt like it.

          • same here. i’d be working in a record store for a dollar day
            http://7poundbag.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/High-Fidel-Jack-Black.jpeg

          • tigeraid

            If I worked at the record store:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xillqqt0Y0

          • One of the best movie characters of all time and this is from someone that really hates Jack Black.

          • Boss the Stoutdrinker Ross

            That’d be me too.

          • “mmm, i can’t let you do that. i’ll put it back, and you buy this Manowar CD”
            -BtR

          • Boss the Stoutdrinker Ross

            You know me too well.

            “Don’t tell anyone you don’t own Kings of Metal. It’s gonna be okay.”

          • Lacertilian

            I don’t believe you.
            Surely you’re not one of those people?

        • tigeraid

          I never understood people saying that they’d still have to work, or they’d give most of it away. Money definitely can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a lot of things that LEAD to it, and it can remove the stress of paying bills. I’d pay off all debt, do all the super duper upgrades to The Ranch, buy a shitload of project cars to wrench on, crank up the music and spend the rest of my life building cool cars for fun.

          I’d also give a shitload of it to charity, because even WITH an expensive hobby like building cars, there’s no way I’d spend more than a FRACTION of that.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I honestly would not be comfortable being rich.

          • first thing i would do is start my search for the elusive Tapir

          • cosigned! what an adventure that would be!

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            That would ruin everything.

          • Rich, yes. Famous? FUCK NO.

          • more beer

            This.

          • Agree with you there, that’s more money than I’d know what to with so I’d wind up helping family and friends pay off their houses so they don’t have to work so hard.

          • I won’t work but even after cash out and taxes that’s still about $500M. I’m totally giving most of that away(after buying some property of course).

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          You could buy tons and tons of Zoloft though. That shig’ll have you numb.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Can I get Resilar? I have ,ummmm, a cough… yeah that’s it, a cough…

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Oven baked Resilar>>>>>>>

          • Sir Tapir The Based
          • problem is, even with enough funds it’d be difficult to get prescription meds.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Well let’s just do Resilar then. No prescription needed for the trip of a lifetime.
            I mean, kids – drugs are bad. Don’t do them.

          • more beer

            Are you high. Every street pharmacist on earth would be lining up for your money. Plus there are plenty of unscrupulous doctors.

          • i sure hope that’s the case, once i win this thing!! for reals though, if i were to reserve my next paycheck just for some Fentanyl, i’m not sure if i could score some.

          • more beer

            A paycheck and a billion dollar lotto payout are two different things. Trust me dealers will be lining up. Everyone will want a opiece of that money.

    • EsusMoose

      LET THE COPIES HIT THE FLOOR
      ONE NOTHING WRONG WITH ME
      TWO IT’S THE COPY MACHINE
      THREE FUCK THIS COPY MACHINE

  • Lacertilian

    THIS IS ALL OVER THE NEWS HERE!

    • Super Nintendo Chalmers
  • We got 4 inches of snow so far today; more to come later on too. How is everyone else in the North East making out.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtYFi5yl8Pc

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I haven’t heard about snow coming to Poughkeepsie.

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        If it comes, are you going to see it live?

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          It will be right in front of my window if it does come. I can see whenever it snows outside my window.

        • more beer

          I don’t know tickets are kind of pricey at $37.50.

    • Scrimm

      Upvoted for Blazing in the Northern Sky

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Again, I say, that ending riff. That motherfucking ending riff. Fuck.

    • Think Boston is gonna avoid this storm barely. Anyone North and West of us is getting a few inches.

      • We are supposed to get a foot total by the end of tomorrow.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Snowing like a bitch all day here. Supposed to get 6 inches or so.

    • Nothing yet and I hope it stays that way. I’m five days deep on a grizzly beard in defense of the cold.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Lots of snow surrounding Chicago yesterday. This goes on every time.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xSDw1jkUPY

      • Never really got into Carpathian forest. They just always came across as boring to me.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I have a soft spot for them (heh) ever since picking up this demo. They’re just about broken up now but in their later years they always seemed to be in on the ridiculousness of black metal, but just kept playing it anyway because fuck it why not.

          • This demo sounds pretty grim, even Black Shining Leather is ok. After that though it’s all just kinda blah to me.

        • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

          I mostly remember them for the pics of their bass player’s ass.

      • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

        Yep! One of several things I don’t miss about Chicago. It’s about 50 and no snow over here. Winters are very very brief over here.

    • Maik Beninton™
    • It’s like 35 degrees in the mornings and I want to die.

      Anything below 70 is WRONG

    • Stockhausen

      I am many jealous.

    • COAL ROLL

      starting to snow in CT right now

  • Old Man Doom

    Noice

  • Thy Art Is Medicore’s winning lottery numbers as produced from the deathcore spreadsheets – 01 00 11 10 01 1

    • JWEG

      “Ones and zeros everywhere…and I thought I saw a two.”

      • Every once in a while they’ll throw a two in there just to keep things interesting.

  • Now that they’re rich expect a lame by books album in 2019 except they wont feel like writing so then you can expect it in 2021 when CJ rejoins the band because h- I dont really know where I’m going with this. I’m just gonna go listen to Chthe’Ilist again.

  • I don’t get what’s this about, so, here’s a photo of Enslaved’s Ivar Bjornson drinking vodka:

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/x1_ccsswlH0/maxresdefault.jpg

    • EsusMoose

      America is freaking out because a lottery is historically large, 1.3 billion currently.

      • They made it larger to draw attention from the fact that you won’t get paid right away if you win. Iirc there is a lady who won who hasnt been paid for like a year or something.

        • EsusMoose

          I thought only Illinois doesn’t get paid right away, the rest are alright, but I don’t care too much

          • Idk I never played the lotto and likely never will, but thats my understanding of it.

          • EsusMoose

            First time throwing any money at this, only out 2 dollars, probably won’t do it again

        • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

          Exactly. Chicago’s already got dozens of lottery winners on IOU’s for lotteries they won almost 8 years ago.

      • what everyone’s forgetting is that the lottery is just a big gamble!

      • You US people are so weird. I still don’t know why you, in 2016, still rule the world.

        • EsusMoose

          World class fast food restaurants and sociopaths

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            And ammophiles.

        • Aside from popping out of a very wealthy woman’s vagina, this is the only way to become part of the elite in America.

          • My mom told us this week:

            “Sorry, son. The only flaw of our family is had been born in the wrong side of the fence”.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            We are all flawless here and I will not hear otherwise.

          • You’re a robot. I think if I pull out that wire near your crack something will happen 😀

          • CyberneticOrganism

            STAY AWAY FROM THERE

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Step 1: Be attractive.
            Step 2: Don’t be unattractive.

          • COAL ROLL

            That’s 100% hearsay

        • We shouldn’t, we just spend so much fucking money on our military that everyone has to shut up and listen when we talk.

        • I could give the long explanation but I’ll just say greedy scumbag malandros taking everything from everyone and leave it at that.

        • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

          We do? Last I checked, China owns us.

    • Dubs

      Also, Thy Art Is Murder’s vocalist (most likely) lied about making almost nothing from being in the band and quit.

      • I don’t know which band is Thy Art is Murder lol

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        I read and article that said his uncle is filthy rich and has helped finance the band (Vince, I think the name was – something to do with show-wrestling I think)

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Vince Neilstein?

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          He’s related to Vince McMahon? Shit.

          • Did you watch NJPW Wrestle Kingdom last week?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            No I didnt. I did attempt to watch the AAA Triplemania from last year. How could a Lucha PPV bevel godawful?

          • I don’t like Lucha style, way too flippy and loose. NJPW takes a more serious approach, and has US wrestliers from ROH and PWG sometimes.

        • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

          Vince Vaughn? Vincent Price?

      • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

        Kinda like Lombardo and Portnoy bullshitting their pay scale. No fucking way that Lombardo was in Slayer that long and not pulling at least $36,000 a year.

  • Waynecro

    “Yeh, I reckon I’ll buy a pool fulla Eucalyptus and start me own Koala orchard. Real noice-like” and the ensuing “Noice” interjections have earned you all the literary awards.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    “Do not, my friends, become addicted to the lottery. It will take hold of you and you will regret constantly losing.”

    https://miriamruthross.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/madmax-furyroad-immortanjoe.jpg

  • I ragged on my wife hard when I found out she bought two tickets.

    What a waste.

    GL

      • HA I will do just that!

      • Powerball is a gambling game like lottery?!

        I thought it was a crappy bet game like betting to baseball games!

        • Yep. It is a lottery played by roughly 300 million people.

          • Why is called Powerball?

            Sounds like a 80’s action movie fictional game 😛

          • EsusMoose

            I believe because the numbers used to be written on balls and tossed around till 6 or 7 came out of a tube

          • I recommend we petition them to change it to ManowarBall.

          • PágüerMerolBall hueheuheuhue

          • HAHAHAAAAAAA

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            Sure you’re not thinking of Thunderball (the James Bond movie with the hilariously bad Tom Jones theme)?

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT0x7QiJI1g

        • more beer

          Baseball is a 50/50 bet. This is like a 1 in 3 million shot.

      • I put 100,000,000 dollars in, that monkey will be winding down all day! lolololololo

    • EsusMoose

      I had two dollars in my wallet when my roommate asked if I wanted to throw money in as he was gonna buy one, so I did, lost, doesn’t matter probably would have bought a soda or something otherwise

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Is that the guy who has 64 billion pairs of trainers and eats caviar with his butt?

    • …when all you need is one: Waynebeard

      • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

        Thats too much strong

        • Waynecro

          No such thing as too much strong! I will blast Nails and kidney punch anyone who doesn’t give it his all. This is the path!

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            *Powercleans the posers

          • Waynecro

            *Squats on the false

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            My gluts are still rockt from the last 2 leg days

          • r u sure u r not talking about your gut? not ur gluts? lolbuttz

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            My gut is always p rekt, i been eating burritos for like 3 days

          • Waynecro

            My abs have been so sore that it hurt to pee.

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            Nice, i dont really have an ab day, just kinda spread a little over the whole week

          • Waynecro

            I don’t have a dedicated ab day, but I do some ab work at the end of every workout. Core strength is imperative for several of the big lifts.

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            Yep, i usually put abs in to my warm up most days

          • Waynecro

            I am under the mistaken impression that ripping up my abs will somehow strengthen the puny internal organs that once had the audacity to fail me.

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            Hmm, it may help “put them in their place” so to speak

          • Waynecro

            It couldn’t hurt.

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            I was gonna ask you, since you try more supps, have you ever used any testosterone boosters

          • Waynecro

            Sadly, according to most of the studies I’ve read, all over-the-counter supplements that claim to boost testosterone are useless. Well, some may have components that increase libido or give you an energy boost, but no supplement short of prescribed testosterone can actually increase free testosterone in the body.

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            Pretty much what my research showed too.

            But my next trip to vitamin shoppe, i might pick up sonething new

          • Waynecro

            Maybe check out http://www.truenutrition.com. They have great, really affordable stuff. I get nearly all my supplements from them–protein powders, joint-support pills, fat burners, etc. If you enter the code FREECREATINE at checkout, you get 100 grams of free creatine mono for every $25 you spend. Note: I do not work for them or benefit in any way from spreading the word. I just really like the company.

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            Will do. Thanks bud

          • Waynecro

            No prob, Bob. Also, http://www.testshock.com/blog has some interesting articles about testosterone.

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            Well, clearly im already bursting with testosterone

          • Waynecro

            Clearly. As am I. But I had to get that shit back. The medical problems I had in the past (primarily, a complete shutdown of my endocrine system) messed up my hormones a lot. It took me a while to regain my impressive fighting spirit.

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            Ouch, so did they give you actual hormone replacement therapy?

          • Waynecro

            No. In fact, one of the lazier doctors I had a few years after my hospitalization wouldn’t even test my hormone levels regularly. She was like, “You’re too young to have low testosterone, so don’t worry about it.” Ordinarily, sure. But my entire system had collapsed, and I felt sluggish and shitty all the time. I had to do a lot of research and experimenting with diet and exercise routines to find something that caused a noticeable change. I would have gone to another doctor and undergone therapy as a last resort, but I really wanted to find another option that didn’t risk messing up my hormone levels even more.

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            Impressive fapping spirit.

            FTFY

          • Waynecro

            Nice try, man, but the top bunk is your domain. I’m a fighter, not a lover.

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            I’m a fapper, not a fighter (though my weenie might call it domestic abuse at times)

          • Waynecro

            Congrats, duder: You wrote both the grossest and the funniest things I’ve read today.

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            What can I say? I’m the walking embodiment of Garbage Pail Kids.

          • Waynecro

            You’re my favorite internet filth cannon.

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair
          • Waynecro

            Back in the day, my metal friends and I used to play a game in which we tried to say the grossest thing we could think of. I think you would have won that game a lot.

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            Sounds like the clap.

          • Waynecro

            Jeez, I fucking hope not. I haven’t gotten laid in, like, a year.

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair
          • Waynecro

            I hate everything.

          • more beer

            That’s the spirit!

          • Waynecro

            Dude, my quads got so tore up last week that walking up stairs was nearly impossible. I WILL DEMOLISH THIS HUMAN FRAILTY WITH MORE WEIGHT!!!

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            Squatting and pooping on them, or?…………

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1B8tfEjQBA

          • Waynecro

            All that quacking really took the dignity out of her failed lift.

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            That sound should be a black metal intro!

          • Waynecro

            Dude, it totally could be!

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            You’re giving the posers a sponge bath?!?!

        • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

          2Extreme2Radikvlt

    • That’s the guy.

  • The unfortunate part of about being able to “achieve” all your goals is that there is no further anticipation of dreaming about achieving other goals. If your goals are all achieve via financial achievement… then…. well…. great. Grinding through daily life trying to get to where you are going/doing, although slow, sees like the safest route.

    GL

    • Dubs

      It’s not about the destination, my man.

    • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

      A guy told me a while back “If you’re not enjoying what you’re doing, it’s just an 8 hour distraction from the rest of your day”.

    • more beer

      I would come up with a new goal. Like seeing how many beers I can drink before I am dead with that much money.

  • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

    How are australians supposed to win an american lottery?

    • racist

      • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

        LOLOLOL

      • Dubs

        Well, he did call Tapir ghetto yesterday.

        • ASSEMBLE, SOLDIERS. TAKE ARMS TO TWITTER.

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Wait what?

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            #thuglyfe

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I’ll punch you in the clit.

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            Yumm

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            You fucking hurri!

    • I looked it up before writing this. Non-US citizens can still win.
      /suggit

      • Joe: our resident researcher at large.

      • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

        Man, thats messed up

        • Letting foreigners get in on paying 30 years worth of winners monthly pay outs? Sounds solid.

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            They took our jerbs and our gambling!

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            “And they’re rapists, drug dealers and LOSERS!!!!”

            http://cdn.arn.com.au/media/6745952/things-that-look-like-donald-trump-20-photos-2.jpg

          • with our luck, some malandro would win and pay all radio stations to play raggeton 24/7

          • Spoiler alert: El Chapo wins.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            50 Cent almost won the 800 million. He had 3 of the 5 winning numbers.

          • make ’em say “uh… nana nana”

          • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

            Eh, his dumb ass would end up broke all over again by the time August rolls around.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            You don’t almost win in the lottery. You always lose. The game is rigged. The huge ammount of money you “can” win is there just to make people buy the tickets. In truth, that prize doesn’t exist.

        • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

          Donald Trump would be confused as to whether he should love them (because, rich) or hate them (because, rich foreigners). Or exploit the living fuck out of them with a sham deal.

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    With that kind of money, I’d buy this blog.

    • Not for sale, we’ve got integrity! Unless you have like 48 dollars cash American.

      • Dubs

        Joe, if you want to keep buying me Kendra Scott jewelry to win my affections, you’re going to need more than 48 bucks, honey.

      • Super Nintendo Chalmers

        I’ll give you 10 bucks and you take Dubs with you.

      • I got tree fitty.

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Shut up, you’ll attract the Loch Ness monster!

      • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

        Or Taylor Swift VIP tickets.

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      Dogecoins?

  • XXXX Atomic Tongue Hair

    First thing on their list would be to buy Flavortown and all of Guy Fieri’s wardrobe. Second would be buying Under Armor and Ed Hardy and replacing the whole staff with Bdubs waitresses and washed up MMA fighters, with Tank Abbott as CEO.