THURSDAY NIGHT OPEN SWIM

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One day more, my metal brethren.

Then Friday evening will come in its majesty and shake off the chains of tedium with which you are weekly bound. Got any great plans for the weekend? It marks the end of the summer for me. Lady SteelDragon and I will be making the long journey back school to see our old friends Anxiety and Clinical Depression!

Here’s an hour and a half of metalized Castlevania. Refuel for Friday here.

Update: Toilet primogenitor & under-appreciated master plumber Joe will have our DNS pipes unclogged and flowing freely by the end of the night.

Oh yeah, and open swim. Speak!

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • Drilldo Pillow

    HEY THANKS MSD! THAT SHIT IS COOL! I’ve been out of the Toilet for a while so forgive me if this was covered…but Decapitated shit out a new song and it jaaaaaaamz! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbLSrdNd9oU

    • Death

      I like it.

      • Drilldo Pillow

        Maybe I’ll watch some Bergman films in your honor, Bergmanian Death!

        • Death

          I would recommend Winter light if you haven’t seen it yet.

          • Drilldo Pillow

            I have and it’s fantastic! It’s also on youtube in its entirety!
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SfEr9FfFAE

          • Death

            Well, someone has a good taste in films. I tip my nonexistent hat to you.

          • Drilldo Pillow

            I’m a classically trained sitter and watcher: 5 years of film school and 20k in student loans that finally payed off! I got a nonexistent hat tip!

          • Death

            Those nonexistent hat tips are not easy to get from me.

          • Drilldo Pillow

            I was being completely serious.

            I’ve never been more serious in my god damned life.

          • Death

            I believe you.

  • Death

    My vacation ended a week ago. I propably need to grade some essays, listen to music, walk my dogs, go to my last crabbing trip of the year and watch some monty python.

    • Guacamole Jim

      I didn’t expect some kind of Spanish inquisition!

      • Death

        I wish to register a complaint!

        • Guacamole Jim

          *does not respond*

          Hello, miss?

          • Death

            ‘Ello, Miss?

          • Guacamole Jim

            What do you mean, miss?

          • Death

            I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

          • Guacamole Jim

            We’re closing for lunch.

          • Death

            Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Oh yes, the, uh, the Norweigian Blue.. what’s, uh, what’s wrong with it?

          • Death

            I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

          • Guacamole Jim

            No, no, he’s uh, he’s resting!

          • Death

            Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

          • Guacamole Jim

            No no, he’s not dead, he’s, he’s resting! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue innit eh? Beautiful plumage!

          • Death

            The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Nononono, no, no! He’s resting!

          • Death

            All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up!

            (shouting at the cage)

            ‘Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I’ve got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show…(owner hits the cage)

          • Guacamole Jim

            There, he moved!!

          • Death

            No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!

          • Guacamole Jim

            I never!!

    • I love dogs. Tell me about your dogs.

      • Death

        I got two corgis. The other one is 3-years-old and other one is slightly over 1-year-old,

        • Randall Thor will be your best friend. He loves corgis.

          • God

            Corgi’s are kvlt

          • Death

            They sure are. Too bad I don’t have any pictures of them on my computer right now.

          • Randall Thor

            Please get pictures

          • Death

            I promise to get pictures by tommorrow. The other one is fluffy corgi.

          • Randall Thor

            Corgis rule

          • NefariousDude

            My girlfriend is roadtripping to the corgi parade or whatevr the fuck in Oregon. Corgis is kvlt

          • Pagliacci is Kvlt

            I always thought he was more alternative/post-modern?

          • Death

            Who dat?

          • God

            ONLY THE HIGHLORD MASTER OF POWER METAL YOU FILTHY PEASANT! BOW TO HIS MAJESTY!

          • They say that saying the word “corgi” three times in a row summons him.

          • Death

            I shall test your hypothesis. Corgi corgi corgi. Now we wait.

          • God

            Beetlejuice beetlejuice… beetlejuice

          • W.

            Saying Pyrrhon three times in a row summons NegroD.

          • Randall Thor

            WHO HAS SUMMONED ME, AND FOR WHAT PURPOSE?

          • CORGIS, BROTHER.

          • Randall Thor

            WARRIORS! BOW BEFORE THE CORGI! IN ANCIENT TIMES, OUR ANCESTRAL FAIRIES RODE THEM INTO GLORIOUS BATTLE, NOBLE STEEDS WHO SERVED THEIR PURPOSE WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY. FORGET THE PRESTIGE OF THE CORGI AT YOUR OWN RISK. MY SWORD THIRSTS FOR THE LIFEBLOOD OF THOSE WHO WOULD DENY THE CORGI.

          • God

            Just to say hi.

          • Randall Thor

            Hi

          • Death

            He hasn’t come yet.

          • Randall Thor

            I’m right here

          • Death

            Hi

          • Randall Thor

            Dats me

          • Randall Thor

            I love corgis!

        • KJM

          Awesome.

        • Randall Thor

          I love corgis

        • I WANT A CORGI SO BAD.

          • Death

            I’m not giving mine!

  • God

    Am I the only one that loved Entombed (A.D.)’s new album “back to the front”? I feel like it was criminally overlooked and have been listening to it nonstop.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOODS4Rfpuo

    • Death

      I would but that’s too far away from me.

    • Randall Thor

      you guys all know to hit me up for shows in Charlotte right? I have connections and will do my best to get you the best show I can

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    Damn it, still one more work day until the glorious freedom of the weekend. And tomorrow’s workday is gonna suck ballz for this nipple, since my coworker is flying to Florida for a wedding I get twice the workload all day long. Gonna be a long day, I tell ya.
    I need some levity, something funny… Oh! I know!

    …This ain’t metal, but hell, this blog was created so we could continue to post whatever we damn well pleased in the comments (within reason, of course). So I’m posting this. Laughter ist kvlt.
    http://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=u6tVLvBsBWw

    • That URL isn’t working for some reason.

      • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

        Fixed it! Yay!

    • Death

      The link doesn’t work for me for some reason.

      • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

        Dammm iittt, trying to fix it…

      • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

        Try again. Or don’t. I just want to know if it works…

    • Lady SteelDragon

      Mitch Hedberg was never not high.

    • KJM

      All’s fair in an open thread.

  • I’ve got a show tonight and a job interview tomorrow. Gonna try real hard to not mess up either one of them.

    • I believe in Joe Thrashnkill.

      • W.

        I believe in Joe Thrashnkill.

        • God

          I believe in Joe Thrashnkill

          • W.

            May the steel be with you, Joe.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            May you thrash and kill that interview, Joe.

        • Death

          I believe in Joe Thrashnkill.

          • God

            you fucked up. Now everything’s going to go shit.

        • Mother Shabubu III

          I believe in Throe Jashnkill…wait

          • Death

            You fucked up. Now everything’s going to go shit.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Oh, you people; “you fucked up”, “you ruined everything”, “sir, you can’t have your genitals out in public”.

          • Death

            What was the story with that last one?

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Some people didn’t appreciate me whipping out the ol’ one-eyed wonder worm and the sack twins out at the local parade. Apparently it would “mentally scar the children”.

          • Death

            That’s just bullshit. A little bit of genitalia never hurt anyone.

          • W.

            I think there are quite a few people who would disagree.

          • Death

            They are wrong.

          • God

            it never hurt anyone because it wasn’t big enough for her! heyoooooo!!

            …*sobs*

          • Death

            Dude, are you ok?

          • God

            IT WAS COLD I SWEAR IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.

          • Death

            I know, I know. Come here big guy, let me give you a hug.

          • God

            ok. come her- heeeeey wait a minute. We all know what happens when you touch someone Death.

          • Death

            Aaah, you got me.

          • God

            hmmm

          • Death

          • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

            When God dies, where does his soul go? Super-heaven?

          • God

            ….note to self: Create super heaven as backup plan.

          • Death

            But what about after super heaven?

          • God

            …additional note to self: kill death before he kills me.

          • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

            Death is dead. How do you kill him?

          • God

            I hire super death

          • Death

            I killed him already.

          • God

            Shit

          • Death

            For I am not ordinary death. I am the bestest death, I just don’t boast about it like super death did.

          • God

            Please tell me you have a name tag that says bestest death

          • Death

            In comic sans

          • Death

            Ah, but there’s a problem

          • God

            You are forgetting Super Death

            Edit: dammit he’s dead.

          • Death

            HE’S DEAD!

          • Cock of Steele

            I thought you might know the riddle of “How do you kill death”

          • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

            You’re welcome, almighty one.

          • Death

            Ask Nietzsche.

          • Stockhausen

            Women know about that, right?

          • Scrimm
        • i believe in RiotAct666

    • Drilldo Pillow

      JOE I BELIEVE IN YOU TOO!

      Do you list Hellish Toilet Creation as “Other Skills” on your resume? Or do you just go ahead and list it as your “Most Important Job In The World”?

      • Hahahaha, I’m not sure how to broach that one to an interviewer.

        • God

          “so yeah, um…other activities? oh well I made this blog thats called, well *ahem* toiletovhell. I mean, its not as bad as it sounds. Its just a website where me and my toilet pals write articles about death metal bands and flush them if we dont like them an- hey where are you going?”

          • That is pretty much how I see it going down.

          • Max

            Nah, I think you’re on a winner:

            “Well, in the past few months I’ve started a blog about flushing the toilet excessively. The motivation for this was because myself and others used to comment on another blog where they stopped us from posting NSFW material. We didn’t like that, so I established the new blog and poached all their readers. So basically, my skills are pollution and free-loading.”

            “Welcome aboard, Mr Thrashnkill. You’re just what Halliburton is looking for.”

          • /DEAD!

          • KJM

            10/10 byaaahs!! 0/5 flushes!

    • Cock of Steele

      I believe in Joe Thrashnkill

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      I believe in Joe Thrashnkill.

    • KJM

      Do well! Good vibes sent.

      • NefariousDude

        I will harmonize with these vibes

    • Stockhausen

      Don’t one thing at the other thing!

    • Jointsalot

      Good luck

    • NefariousDude

      May the kvlt b w u

    • if you could only not mess one of them up… which would it be?

      • The show was pretty sloppy so I’m gonna say the interview!

    • TrickleDownTacoRiff

      Good luck on both bruh!

    • Det. Flushin Bohl

      Good luck, broseppe!

  • Mother Shabubu III

    So…anyone know what’s actually going on in St. Louis, or is it just the media hyping it up to stir the pot and inspire their four favorite things: fear, chaos, hatred, and control?

    • Death

      I’m not American. What’s happening there?

      • W.

        Some cops shot a dude. Riots in the streets.

        • Death

          Thank you Mr. Bush. Oh boy, I never thought that I would say those words.

        • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

          April 26, 1992, there was a riot on the streets,
          Tell me, where were you?
          You were sittin home, watching your TV,
          While I was participating in some anarchy…

      • I’m American but don’t watch the news because it makes me depressed. What’s happening there?

      • Mother Shabubu III

        From what I understand, the usual US southern state racial foofaraw. Some cop shot an unarmed black man and tension between black and whites in that area was once again set off. Some cops who probably legitimately dislike blacks probably provoked a few short tempers, and now it’s a shitstorm of police brutality and police trying to quiet the media from spreading more racial outrage.

        • W.

          Yah man, it’s nuts. It sucks, but I really hope it has a positive outcome of people thinking more critically about how armed the police are. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate cops like a lot of metalheads, but the police brutality we’re witnessing in some areas is really sad.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            There’s two reasons for these armed police and out-of-line police, obviously they coincide here:

            1 – With the way things are changing and the modern threats we face (cyber emergencies, “terrorists”, extreme weather disasters, overworked, paranoid, mentally unstable population, etc…), it’s more cost effective to equip local police forces with this kind of gear then to fly in and dispatch the National Guard every time shit goes down.

            2 – Some cops, not all, but a lot of them are guys who have had little to no authority or control in their lives. You give them a little power over their fellow man and watch how fast they will corrupt and begin to abuse their power and authorities. It inspires fear and discord to keep us fighting with each other while they (the Jews I guess?) run off with all the money and control.

            Now mix 1 and 2 and you have a recipe for what tends to be labeled as “police state”, or “militarized police”. Especially if you throw these two elements together in a racially tense area such as St. Louis.

          • KJM

            There’s a lot of money to be made from militarizing the Police as well.

          • KJM

            I’ve dealt with all kinds of cops, good and bad, but what I saw on the live stream last night was crazy, teargas and flash bangs getting shot into people’s houses and lawns/backyard catching on fire.

          • W.

            I just checked in with a friend in St. Louis. He said they just recalled all the county police for federal ones.

          • KJM

            Good.

    • W.

      From what I can tell, things are as bad as they sound.

    • My grandparents live there, and I don’t think shit has hit the fan in their particular neighborhood, but that gas station that was looted and burned is just down the street from them. This is some seriously scary shit, just needs a single match to ignite the entire keg.

  • Scrimm

    Now I’m gonna be playing Castlevania. Recording studio tomorrow, shooting Saturday, and editing a novel.

  • W.

    because I did such a bang-up job refinishing the table, I’ve now been tasked with refinishing the chairs too.

    • Owlswald

      Funny how that works eh?

      • W.

        A wise friend once told me, “If you do anything bad enough, you’ll never have to do it again.”

        • Owlswald

          Worked for me with laundry

    • God

      The things we do for the women we love. You’re a good husband dubya.

      • W.

        Thanks, brah. It’s worth it.

      • Death

        Yeah, the women we love. I for real have a woman to love, just like you guys.

        • You usually go for the older women, don’t you?

        • Scrimm

          Dammit you guys are making me feel lonely.

          • W.

            I’m here for ya, buddy. We all have our toilet friends.

          • Scrimm

            I’m glad for that. On a serious note the commenters here unknowingly helped me through a bad month. All is good now though.

          • W.

            You alright, mate?

          • Scrimm

            Yeah I am all good now. Just had way too many things going on at the same time I think. Started having crazy anxiety attacks that were causing some scary physical symptoms. Ended up in the hospital. That shit is no joke.

          • W.

            I went through a pretty rough time years ago. My anxiety was so bad that you could visibly see my chest moving because my heart was pounding so hard. I’m glad you’re doing better!

          • Scrimm

            You know exactly what I mean then. Yeah it is gone now.

          • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

            Damn, glad you’re doing better man.

          • Scrimm

            Thanks Bro!

          • Death

            Sometimes the days just blur together.

          • Death

            I don’t know what it feels like to have anxiety attacks, but I’m not a stranger to depression. I was extremely close to suicide one point in time. The only thing that kept me from doing it was my dog. Then I managed to get help with a help from my friend.

          • Scrimm

            Dude my dog is amazing, couldn’t have got through all that without him. my best friend, by far.

          • Death

            Dogs are true friends. Now I have two (including my little savior) and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They keep me company every day. Coming home from work is nice because I know that those two are there waiting for me and are happy that I’m back.

          • Scrimm

            Yeah coming home is a lot nicer now. I have another one now as well.

          • no! nobody’s slipping back into depression on my watch!

          • Death

            Most likely I won’t, but it’s an irrational fear of mine. I have learned to cope with stuff now.

          • Death

            Such a beautiful dog. What breed is he?

          • Scrimm

            Black lab/Pit bull mix.

          • pitbulls are so incredible. that’s quite a handsome dog!

          • Scrimm

            He is. I was so lucky to rescue him from the shelter when he was like 2 months old. There were people wating behind me to see him yelling at me that they wanted him. They were so pissed at me.

          • good job with the rescue! my neighbor rescued a pit — his ears were already cut off because he was going to be used as a fighting dog. people sure can be flushable…

          • Scrimm

            It’s disgusting. Mine is such a gentle dog, I couldn’t imagine making him like that. I did get to see his protective side once, and it made me feel a lot safer lol.

          • W.

            It’s kind of strange, but I feel that Robin Williams’ death is really making people think long and hard about depression. If there is more awareness for mental illness, that’s a good thing. I went through a pretty rough period of depression that spanned several years, so I know where you’re coming from.

          • Death

            In Finland we don’t have enough psychologists. Because of the depression I had, I decided to start studying psychology. I currently work as a psychology teacher.

          • W.

            That’s great that you turned it into a positive.

          • Scrimm

            I just read he had Parkinson’s Disease too. Poor guy.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            the closest i got was having a plastic bag over my head. Don’t want to get that close to the edge again so i stay on my meds. I used to fly into fits of rage too where i would just start busting up everything in the house. I have done some things i don’t remember. Whenever i see my cousin on holidays we smoke some shit and he tells me something i did that i don’t remember, it’s both funny and frightening.

          • NDNOvHell

            I had my first anxiety attack last year. It was a horrifying experience for me, so I feel your pain dude. I honestly thought I was going to die. To be honest I’ve never felt the same since. It sucks.

          • Scrimm

            That’s me too man, thought I was going to drop at any second. And you’re right, I FEEL BETTER NOW BUT I’m not the same person I was a couple months ago.

          • KJM

            No, it isn’t. At least you managed to make it to a hospital and hopefully you’ll continue treatment to minimize the possibility of physical symptoms returning.

          • Death

            The commenters here helped me cope with a recent bad event. That’s why I love this place.

          • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

            We’re all in this Toilet together buddy. Just gotta keep flushing, one day at a time.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I agree. The music from here is helping me cope with my girlfriend of two years breaking up with me. I truly loved her and I was going to propose but now that’s never going to happen.

          • okayyyyyyy, you can forget about my Skyrim comment earlier… i’m truly sorry to hear that!
            things also change when you least expect it.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I hope something good comes of it. I loved her and I hope to find someone that’s even a tenth of how perfect she was. She was beautiful, she was so nice and she made me feel good in so many ways but now it’s over. She broke up with me at the restaurant we went on our first date which was Planet Hollywood. We went down to the city for the day and I was going to propose to her at Planet Hollywood. Now Planet Hollywood is cursed to me and I own a ton of Planet Hollywood stuff so that doesn’t help. I can’t bring myself to get rid of it though. I own many Planet Hollywood shirts, a Planet Hollywood jacket that cost 200 dollars and a ton of Planet Hollywood glasses including one I’ve own since I was 2.

          • glad to have you @metaphysicalanus:disqus, and i must say your comments have been providing me with LOLZ all week!

          • Death

            Thanks McNully. One day I’ll get you, but it ain’t gonna be this day.

          • Scrimm, you’re my homie okay?

          • Scrimm

            Absolutely. You guys are awesome.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            i told you guys one day i would show you all the pills i am on for my bi-polar depression rage disorder, witness the madness.

          • Scrimm

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            Whoa. I only take 5 pills for my depression and other problems. That’s a lot of pills.

          • KJM

            I have 5 scripts, but only one is antidepressants. The others are for thyroid, BP, and cholesterol.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            i have separate pills for thyroid, BP and cholestorol too man ! hahahha, plus i have to take pills for diabetes which i am trying to ward off by walking more.

          • KJM

            I lost 40 lbs and 4″ off my waist in about 4-5 months by walking. That’s how I escaped Diabetes.

            I have no idea how long my thyroid issues went untreated. From my late teens until my early 30s I never saw a doctor unless it was an ER visit. Now that I’m covered, I see a doc 2-3 times a year.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            40 pounds, that is impressive man. I go to the gym and work on my arms and shoulders but i hate the treadmill. I have started going and walking my dads dog every night so that should help. I have been in a battle with food all my life. It was used as a reward when i was young, i eat when i am happy, i eat more when i am depressed. I have never had problems with drugs or alcohol thankfully. I will smoke some weed or have a drink if it’s around, holidays etc. , but i don’t crave it nor do i want to spend my money on it when i can buy collectables, music, etc. I am finally going out to a small show in oct., amon amarth. I haven’t been to a small show for about 10 years when i worked in a bar in a bigger city. Have been incommunicado, pretty much a recluse. So it will be strange. I have been to a couple of big shows like roger waters and rush but that is different, less interaction with people.

          • KJM

            I support any/all efforts to make Universal Health Care a reality in The US. Massachusetts is actually one of the better states when it comes to this.

          • God

            Even deities on disqus have issues. Such as clinical depression and anxiety. We are all here for each other buddy.

          • Even Masterlords. It’s right there in the post.

          • Scrimm

            I usually just read comments on sites an never say anything myself. I’m glad you guys changed that. this place is too much fun.

          • this kind of thing would never happen on FFB (Failure For Blogs — credit goes to @dario_argento:disqus)

          • Scrimm

            So true

          • Death

            Then we’re gonna be alone together.

          • Scrimm

            We have a lot of fun together already. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gy3z96Vyh_g

          • Scrimm

            Your secret is safe with me.

          • Death

            Thank you buddy.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            Your secret is safe with me as well. If you haven’t already seen any of my comments then you know how my woman situation is. I’m dealing with it by listening to Black by Pearl Jam over and over again since she broke up with me on Wednesday and drinking heavily.

          • start playing Skyrim (or resume if you already have it). then imagine a world in which your ex is telling you, “stop playing that game and pay attention to me”. then you will realize that you’re better off.
            …and you still have all of us!

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            That is true, I do have this crew of people. I don’t own Skyrim, but I’ll just substitute it for WWE 2K14 as I love that game. Thing is I did pay attention to her and we loved each other but I guess the love was gone.

        • Kevin Nash and Friends

          I wish I had a woman to love. My gf broke up with me on Wednesday, said it wasn’t working out and she thought the only option was to split up. It really depresses me that she’s gone, she was my best friend for quite a bit of my life and now she’s gone, never to return. I know someday she’ll have a beautiful life, I know she’ll be a star in somebody else’s sky but why can’t it be mine? It’s pretty bad that she left, but it’s left me broken and listening to Black by Pearl Jam on repeat for hours. I can’t even enjoy things I usually enjoy because of it, like Lean Pockets and my daily bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. She helped my fight my demons and now they’re back and I have to fight them on my own. I just hope I can succeed at that.

          • how old are you? i’m 32 and i can honestly say that the best years of my life have been the past 3-4. so if you’re a younger guy, i say you might have greatness coming later on. it sucks now (i know that feeling too), but you never know what’s around the corner.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            You are right about that. When it comes down to it, I’m a younger guy and even though I’m breaking my Kevin Nash character it’s true. I hope things get better, because right now they suck really bad.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I’m 25 and I’m going to be going to bars come 5 pm and getting wasted so I can forget this whole thing. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll meet somebody because women are usually drawn to me for some unknown reason. There’s something about me that people, especially women, draws them to me so that they can get to know me.

          • make sure to tell them about your toilet friends!

      • W.

        I’m pleased with how it turned out, considering it’s the first time I’ve ever done something like this.

        Edit: I was able to scrape up some of the white gunk in the line between the surface and wood.

        • NefariousDude

          Damn, W. Dats a damn fine table. Fingerbang ur gurl on it

          • W.

            Thanks, man.

        • Stockhausen

          Nice work Mr. President!

          • W.

            Luv you bb.

          • Stockhausen

            I have a table that’s been around since before I was born (which was in 1928, mind you). Whip that bad boy into shape. My cat also like to chew on it.

        • The Black Dahlia Burger

          Good work man!

          • W.

            Appreciate it!

        • Mother Shabubu III

          Oh look, James Hetfield!

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            Did you know I am part table, just like James Hetfield? We’re both part coffee table, but my family is part Oak coffee table while James Hetfield’s family is part spruce coffee table.

        • Pagliacci is Kvlt

          Hetfield approves.

      • Kevin Nash and Friends

        I did whatever I could for my now ex girlfriend and it would always make me not only look good she would do favors for me and you probably know what they are but don’t want to admit it. She was perfect and I’m going to miss her.

    • Guess Who

      replying as guest because I’m breaking character, but honestly I love doing things for my fiance because it gets me kisses. I imagine you know this because you are married but man until I met her, I never knew I could crave someones affection so insanely much.

      • I know that’s you, King Shit of Fuck Mountain.

        • Stockhausen

          I laughed really, really hard when I read that.

          • Keegan Lavern Still

            I ended up halfway shitting myself. Granted, I had Japanese for dinner, but still.

      • W.

        If you can find that sort of affection, it’s a pretty sweet gig.

      • let’s figure this out by process of elimination.

        NOT ME!

        • Kevin Nash and Friends

          Not me as you can tell from my comments.

      • Kevin Nash and Friends

        Lucky you. My girlfriend left me if you didn’t know and whenever I would do things for her she would do things for me. You can guess where this is headed.

  • Owlswald

    Was approached yesterday to play drums in a local band here in Portland. Will feel good to get back on the throne and lay down some beats. They play some pretty unique, rockin’ tunes and their featured on this massive compilation of Portland music (track 28) with some other good Portland bands. http://doomedandstoned.bandcamp.com/releases

    • geddy

      best of luck to you, man – hope it works out.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      Let’s just hope your new band can do a good cover of Sympathy For the Devil. I have never heard a good cover of that song. Jane’s Addiction cover was subpar, Guns N Roses’ cover was one of the worst covers I have ever heard, Laibach’s EP of covers of the song was crap and Ozzy’s cover was mediocre because it came out in 2005 when his voice was shot.

  • geddy

    Meanwhile…DON’T FUCK UP!

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      ………….hey joe i’m offended, i was molested by an alien when i was 7

      • Death

        Oh no…

        • Justin von Grav

          dat cat

      • geddy

        ban, you say? ban? hoo ha haha. Ya’ give ’em a public service message and they just keep putting forks in the darn socket!

        • Death

          Here’s your payment for your job.

          • geddy

            you are too kind.

      • Scrimm

        Here’s one for you Conan! One of my favorite scream queens, the wonderful Danielle Harris.

        • geddy
          • Scrimm

            I keep meaning to check this out, then I keep forgetting. I need to rectify that.

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          yea, she is a sweetheart. I just saw this one on youtube the other night called bereavement, it is really good for an american movie. Plus it has alexandria daddario from texas chainsaw 3d displaying her bra busters ! 9 atlantean swords out of 10 !

          • Scrimm

            Saw that one, but didn’t realize that was her. It is a sequel to this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYJubmFwTYs

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            yea he made them backwards 8 years apart. So there is some continuity problems, odd thing to do, there is supposed to be a third one too.

          • Scrimm

            Yeah I saw that too. If you haven’t you should check out the Cold Prey films. The first two are great, especially the second one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbKguZ1ch60

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            good advice, watched the first one last night, searching for the others tonight.

          • Scrimm

            I haven’t seen the third actually, didn’t hear great things about it though. Except for 2 seconds of cgi I think the second one is the best slasher I’ve seen in some time.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            those wrong turn movies started out great with the lovely eliza dushku but the series went downhill quickly and the last (number 5 – bloodlines, was so god awful it was unbelievable. It seemed like instead of shooting on location a whole set of a small town was constructed on a sound stage which could have been cool in the hands of the right director, but not in the hands of the hack that did this) was horrendous. Also the makeup effects of the mountain men was so bad it looked like the cheap masks one would buy at the dollar store. Now there is a 6th one coming out, so they must be making some money. God knows how though.

          • Scrimm

            Yeah I stopped watching those after four, and I’m pretty tolerant of shitty horror movies haha

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            also i watched the most primitively made slasher i have ever seen the other night. It is so cheap it looks like it was shot on a phone. But if you stick with it works on some strange level. I can’t explain but it’s awesome. At first you will think it is shit and it’s hard to get over the cheapness and the questionable acting ability of the girls. But their performances get much better as the story goes along, one of the biggest surprises involving a shoe string budget i have ever seen. And the gore scenes are FIRST rate , no CGI, not that they could have affored it. Keep in mind it looks like a found footage movie but it’s not , i can’t stomach found footage movies.

          • Scrimm

            Right on I’ll check it out, I’ve always kinda wanted to watch that just because of this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEw1jwgpt4k

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I saw the third one last night and it was a lot better than i expected. I had to watch in norwegian with what i think were spanish subtitles ! hahahhahha. The girls were very cute especially the blonde ones. I can’t find the second one yet. These are a lot better than the wrong turn sequals though. I really like the setting and granduer of the mountains.
            Apparently a fourth film is in the works.

          • Scrimm

            If it gets your stamp of approval I’m sure its worth watching. That’s cool about another one, first I’ve heard of it. Now if they would just give a release date for Phantasm 5 so I could obsess about it even more than I already am.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            i feel like a real horror poser because i haven’t seen all the phantasm films. hahhahahh. But i only watch off you tube, i avoid downloading because i have ruined 3 computers in the past by downloading and getting viruses. As i have mentioned i am a stickler for picture quality and want to wait for the blue rays which i am sure will come out soon. It took the release of the awful conan 3d for univerasal to finally put out the conan blu rays.

        • damn, she wins everything. and she’s 37?? my oh my.

          • Scrimm

            I know. Truthfully I’ve had a thing for her since I was about 9. I can’t believe she’s not more well known.

    • old_man_doom

      WHAT THE FUCK

    • The Black Dahlia Burger

      I’m like 90% sure the guy in the mask is from Slipknot

      • NefariousDude

        literally lold out loud! thankyou!

    • TrickleDownTacoRiff

      I cant unsee that…

  • MoshOff

    Is it just me, or has Guy Fieri gotten a lot of power in the two years I haven’t been to the States?

    • Aside from his clogged arteries, I’m pretty sure he’s unstoppable.

    • KJM

      I only know who he is because of this site.

      Thanks a bunch guys, really.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      That’s a good question. I think he has, even though his Times Square restaurant got one of the worst reviews I’ve ever seen from the New York Times. The review was just mean.

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    ………..

    • Death

      Has he ever made one of those?

      • KJM

        Happy Gilmore was good for a few laughs, but all his best work(such as it is) was on SNL imo.

        • Death

          I have watched some of the new SNL sketches in youtube. They don’t really make me laugh. I don’t know about the old ones. I would like to see the Frank Zappa episode.

          • KJM

            The best SNL is the 1975-80 period. The early 90s is okay but doesn’t hold a candle to the earlier seasons. There’s an insane Screamin’ Jay Hawkins performance I watch now and again.

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orNpH6iyokI

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I agree, i was only 5 in 75 but i watched saturday night live, belushi is the best there ever was, did you ever see that black comedy neighbors he did with ackyroyd ? That is some of his best overlooked work. I hate to say it but it was better he left the earthly plane early in life before he started making garbage movies. Same thing with hendrix, jim morrison, bon scott, bonham, etc. All went out on the top of their game. Not trying to be harsh, but i wonder if they would be as legendary today if they were still around , i highly doubt it. Varg did euronymous a favour too , varg was vader to eronymous’s ben kenobi, When varg struck down euronymous , euronymous became more powerful than varg could possibly imagine. Now Euronymous is the undisputed god of black metal & varg is a tired old man who looks twice his age being slapped on the wrist for talking mean about others on the internet. He is just a pathetic bully.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I agree with this whole thing. In my opinion it’s better to burn out than to fade away. Also, at this point Burzum isn’t black metal in my opinion, it’s just ambient metal. I don’t feel bad for Varg, he’s a church burner and that’s absolutely unforgivable considering I’m a religious man. Even though I’m religious, I still like black metal. Real black metal, not the hipster “black metal” because it’s about as close to black metal as Night Ranger is. Also, I feel Robert De Niro should have gone out when he was on top as well because his movies now are just tragedies showing how fall he’s fallen.

        • geddy
          • Bert Banana

            I’m surprised they were able to find 3:25 of decent material in that movie

    • Scrimm

      A very long time.

    • TrickleDownTacoRiff

      But don’t you like when I “talk funny” but its not funny yet I still do it all the time?

  • geddy

    Jack Frost. What would happen if a serial killer were to die and come back as a pissed off snowman?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM-_eSWbI2A

    • Death

      That movie is so horrible.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      I watched this once and I couldn’t stop laughing for hours. It was the greatest comedy ever.

  • Wrapped by GF’s birthday presents, now I have to clean up my semi-bachelor pad for when she visits this weekend. I’ve also been playing Counter-strike: Global Offensive every night with my boss from work. My job rules.

  • NefariousDude

    I HOPE IM NOT 2 L8 2 THE SWIM

    • Stockhausen

      I’M TOTALLY HERE, NO PANTS AND EVERYTHING.

      • NefariousDude

        I THOUGHT THAT SMELL WAS THE SHARKS!

        • Stockhausen

          NOPE, IT WAS LOLBUTTZ.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      You’re not too late. Nobody’s too late.

  • Scrimm
  • Kevin Nash and Friends

    I just woke up. It’s not even 4 in the morning, but I want to listen to Celtic Frost and Mayhem.

  • Kevin Nash and Friends

    I hate CM Punk. He’s a seventh rate ripoff of Chris Jericho who insults Living Colour by using Cult of Personality as his theme. I want to go find him and powerbomb him over and over and over again. I could do it for hours on end until he can’t take anymore powerbombing and then I’ll have Shawn Michaels do his superkick which will make CM Punk go to sleep.

  • IronLawnmower

    Tomorrow I shall visit Northern Irelands biggest (Only) metal festival. MONSTERS OF ROT 4. Also website stuff is going groovy I’m working a piece right now.

  • Kevin Nash and Friends

    Any Simpsons fans here? If so, there is a marathon starting on August 21st of EVERY SIMPSONS EPISODE EVER, including the movie. I have preparations to do for it, such as picking up energy drinks and things that will help me stay awake. If there’s anyone insane enough here to try to stay awake for 12 days to see every Simpsons episode ever tell my how it goes because I will be missing the 26th and the 27th and most of the 28th due to vacation.

    • IronLawnmower

      I wish you great luck in your endevours. Don’t die pls. I love you.

  • Kevin Nash and Friends

    As you can all see, I’m breaking character over something that happened earlier this week. I’m not usually this depressed but I was so depressed yesterday I called up World Championship Quad Tearing and told them I was going to be on a break for personal reasons. They put the belt on Ahmed Johnson yesterday because I forfeited it when I called them. I’m going to be back at next month’s pay per view as a mystery opponent for whoever has the belt at that point because Ahmed is a transitional champion and starting Monday they’re having a tournament to see who the champion will be which concludes at a pay per view on August 31st.