Thrashnkill’s Continuum of Cognitive Metallic Identification: a Primer

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Grab a pencil and a notepad, Professor Joe’s about to take u 2 skool. Metal skool.

Scientists, musicians, and philosophers have tried in vain to create an iron-clad model for categorizing the many varied strains of metal. For years, the standard has been genre classification, an ultimately useless (though occasionally hilarious) stab at psuedo-science. Genre classification in metal is far too unwieldy to remain the dominant paradigm. With each genre tag, we take into account such wildly disparate elements as instrumentation, region of origin, scene-identification, vocal styles, as well as unnecessary proto- and post- prefixes, and -core modifiers. It has to stop. Your shitty Bandcamp lists #slam as a genre when the music is clearly closer to #gorenoise. No, we must push for a more thorough approach to cataloging the music we so thoughtlessly inject into our orifices.

To advance our cause, we must strip away unnecessary taxonomy and delve into the atomic structure of music. No, not music theory, stupid. We must go deeper. Today, we will begin classification of music by using the only factors that really matter: Intelligence and Fun.

Ladies and gentlemen of the scientific community, I present my system for the betterment of metal: Thrashnkill’s Continuum of Cognitive Metallic Identification.

The-Thrashnkill-ContinuumIn this highly scientific model, the X-axis represents the amount of fun a participant is allowed to have in association with the music, and the Y-axis represents the level of intelligence inherent in this musical product. In practice, this graph presents four quadrants for easy classification.

The Idiot Sphere:

Oh dear. If you’re not smart and you’re not fun, you’re gonna have a tough time making friends. Music found within The Idiot Sphere is marked by excessively negative, and often wildly incorrect opinions. Furthermore, bands within this category tend to eschew the element of Fun in favor of tuff-guy posturing and/or referring to their concerts as “rituals” like a bunch of goddamn dorks.

Quintessential Act: Recluse

The Nerd Locker:

If a band knows everything about complex time signatures, obscure modes, and poly-rhythms but doesn’t know how to shotgun an Olde English, it might belong in The Nerd Locker. Despite the utter absence of Fun, many bands within this quadrant tend to amass large audiences of similar, humorless followers.

Quintessential Act: “Jazz”

The Dope Spot:

Is the music created by knuckle-draggers with hearts of gold? Idiots that can get the party started? Total dummies but they have a case of beer and a puppy? The Dope Spot is the proper classification quadrant for these energy-filled bands with barely-functional cognitive abilities. Music within is often marked by wild mosh pits and piles of novelty merch.

Quintessential Act: Municipal Waste

The Brilliance Quadrant:

This quadrant is the most sparsely populated field in the Thrashnkill Continuum. Bands within The Brilliance Quadrant are capable of parlaying intense musical skill and heady lyrical themes into an immersive display without being a bunch of total boner killers.

Quintessential Act: Iron Maiden


Though it’s far beyond our current technological abilities, I predict that future generations of scientists will evolve the Thrashnkill Continuum even further into a 3D model that accounts for a Z-axis that will establish a range from wicked-bad-vibes to hella-good-feelings. Unfortunately, our nascent scientific findings are not yet equipped for these futuristic models.

I understand that new scientific advances can be difficult to wrap your head around. Regardless, I’m confident that my model will immediately be the basis for all music identification, from now til the end of time. You’re welcome, Earth.

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    Going to need a bigger locker.

  • ┼yree

    I’ll listen to what I want to, so ya’ll can go eat a butt…

    http://www.marchex.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/micdropgif.gif

  • Vault Dweller

    This is both accurate and a fine example of quality journalism, I’d buy it for 10 caps.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I would too.

    • Like my comrade 365 says:

      “It’s all about ethic merol journalism”.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Frozen Brilliance Quadrant:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjmKBZ-wL8A

    • 365ChaosRiddenDays

      I do not feel weird when I say that this makes me feel good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Q3LeWKYyCQ

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        You shouldn’t, that album is brilliant, hypnotic and so cold.

      • CyberneticOrganism
        • 365ChaosRiddenDays

          Yes, because when Trve Kvlt is in my headphones, I feel fantastic, let’s keep on the sound OV darkness, especially Darkthrone, I respect them a lot and I must realize that Toilet Ov Hell is the perfect spot to worship darkness:

  • How the fuck do you shotgun an Olde English?

    • looks like someone belongs in a locker.
      /you can do it with a straw

    • It comes in cans round these parts.

      • Waynecro

        And if you can’t find Olde English in cans, Steel Reserve will do.

        • Steele Reserve will don’t. It will don’t.

  • ┼yree

    So this is basically Joe saying that he is the best human ever basically.

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    Just noticed Metallica on there.

    Nice.

  • Dubs

    Technically speaking, this work was peer-reviewed.

    • Technically the peers should be outside of the organization and should not know the author. Otherwise, it is likely a biased review.

      I will stop now….

      • Dubs

        That’s how they should work. Friends in academia likely help out friends, though.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          This discussion just got hot as fuck.

          • Dubs

            How hot would you be if I told you I was revising a journal paper right now?

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            You dirty son of a bitch!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            As Paris would say “That’s hot.”

          • Paris Hilton

            Very hot

          • Akerskronks ov Steele

            On a scale from 1 to a certain famous Steele’s playgirl spread, how hawt?

          • I am sorry for your loss.

          • Guacamole Jim

            I am truly sorry for your lots.

            #bringingback2007

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            So this was what people did in 2007? I guess not everything is perfect.

        • I kinda feel like journal articles are just one big convoluted, self stroking, big word spellin’, circle jerk.

          • Dubs

            Usually.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Nailed it.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Pretty much…..

          • Dagon

            The ‘ol dutch rudder

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            You mean like djent album titles?

          • Akerskronks ov Steele

            fuckin nerds and their words

        • Óðinn

          What really pisses me off is the misuse of of academic credentials for the use of corporate-funded “think tanks” and lobby groups. Purposely misleading people with studies about issues like firearms or the environment with studies that have been predetermined to be in favor of business interests is despicable.

          • Dubs

            I think there should be a clear delineation between university research (which is typically agenda-less) and think tank/corporate research, Our big competitors here are a university-affiliated research group that sucks up the majority of state transportation research funding, but they aren’t actually doing the research for the university. They compete against professors.

          • Óðinn

            Yes. And your competitors are are probably less interested in the truth than the bottom line, which I would agree justifies a clear delineation.

    • Dagon

      The work of geniuses who are also peers.

  • Did Joe just declare iron maiden the best band ever? High five Joe

    • Boss the “Crimson King” Ross

      That’s what I’m getting out of this.

    • Boss the “Crimson King” Ross

      And apparently Power Metal really is the best genre of all because it is both the maximum amount of fun you will ever have and is the by far the most intelligent.

  • I can help make 3-D plots when u r ready.

    #matlab

  • RJA

    I would like to think I’m smart, but am aware I’m not much fun. But there I find myself in the “your stupid NWN! band” region. I’m not an actual moron though right? …right?

    • ┼yree

      No you are not.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Don’t worry, we all are except for the chosen one.

    • I wouldn’t put too much stock in joke graphs.

      • RJA

        🙂 if I can’t find truth in joke graphs, we are truly lost.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Is this supposed to be like an article Sgt D would write but not about scene stuff? There’s a lot of similarities to his writing in this and I love it because the Sarge is my scene spirit animal.

    • plz divulge what a “scene spirit animal” is

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        A scene spirit animal is like a regular spirit animal but it has to be a scene band or an important figure of the scene.

        • Which one is the hardcore spirit animal?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Power Trip or Nails.

          • I thought it was a bear. But, well. Sometimes a half-elf can make a mistake too.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It happens. Animal wise it would have to be a tiger or a rhino.

          • you have got to be trolling us. I should have seen it all along…

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I was trolling you? I didn’t think I was.

          • HORSERHINOTHING is the spirit animal for experimental music like Swans, don’t you think?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It is.

          • Good.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Also, I consider fun a necessary part of music. You can’t have music without fun.

    • Guacamole Jim

      Recluse is a real thing. Ponder that.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I will.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        So is Burzum. Ponder that.

        • ┼yree

          I actually own a Recluse album and many Burzum albums. I guess I’ll just go burn them and listen to bands that would make me more intelligent and cool like Gwar and Municipal Waste.

          • You’re reading the model wrong.

          • ┼yree

            I must be then.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Well, I glanced at it again, and it appears pretty damn easy to read.

          • ┼yree

            Same. I must be an idiot then.

          • There’s nothing intelligent about Gwar or Municipal Waste according to the graph.

          • ┼yree

            Because they are not on the Brilliance quadrant.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            No shit, those bands are fucking awful.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I guess I’m part of the dope spot when it comes to metal.

          • ┼yree

            Bands that Joe likes though. So, they have to be on the Dope section. It can’t be on the Idiot quadrant because you know… Smart, S.M.R.T.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Oh shit, there you go making sense again.

          • You guys should maybe take a deep breath, relax, and remember that this blog post is meant to be funny.

          • ┼yree

            Hahahahahaha! I’m laughing now. I knew this comment was coming.

          • ┼yree

            So, I’ll relax now after you basically made clear in your post that the music I listen to is idiotic.

          • Guacamole Jim
          • ┼yree

            You are right. I won’t win this anyways, it’s all just one big joke.

          • Why does it matter what someone else thinks about the music you like? You’ve said it yourself a million times, you listen to what you like.

          • ┼yree

            So, you think it’s alright to call people that listen to certain bands that you don’t like “idiots”? I don’t like a lot of the bands you like but I didn’t go and make a graph to point out that if you listen to Despise You or Infest that you are an idiot.

          • If you went through the trouble of creating a graph to say I’m an idiot for listening to Despise You I would be really fucking impressed and laugh along with it.

          • ┼yree

            Thanks for posting this it really made an impression. I’ll take my idiot self and leave you guys alone. I’m sure this was the goal anyways.

          • Tyree, relax buddy. No one is going after you or anyone else.

          • Guacamole Jim
          • Dubs
          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Well, I guess we’re in the right quadrant.

          • I think you mean the third quadrant.
            edit: #mathjoke

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            You don’t have to burn them. This is just my opinion. I don’t enjoy ultraserious music.

        • Guacamole Jim

          These are strange mysteries. There are dark magics at work.

          http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/3789224/give-it-a-ponder-o.gif

  • I love that Power Trip name drop, Joe.

    /powertripgif

    http://cdn.makeagif.com/media/10-05-2014/j34fmo.gif

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      That one bro in center frame is picking up some serious change.

      • Boss the “Crimson King” Ross

        At least 10 bucks worth of quarters.

  • Guacamole Jim

    Don’t enjoy this, appreciate it (fucken plebians)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zriS77PCaTk

  • Guacamole Jim

    But in all seriousness, I lol’d heartily at this article, Papa Joe. It’s also totally accurate, and I’ve realized I don’t like fun music all that much 🙁

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Fun music is the best music though!

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        Fun musuc is the best! But fun music, that’s just terrible.

  • Boss the “Crimson King” Ross

    Joe, excellent job my friend. It’s perfect

  • I tend to reside in The Dope Spot because I like fun and I’m an idiot.

  • Stockhausen

    I’m not sure you’ve scienced correctly. According to my calculations (which I double checked by going “Yep”), fun is terrible and only my opinions are real. Sorry bro.

  • KJM, Shake Zula

    I listen to all kinds of Metal: Doom, Sludge, and Stoner.

  • Eliza

    This is a groundbreaking scientific discovery!

  • Dubs

    I want to know how fun feels. @disqus_9CmX83EGqz:disqus, be my guide.

  • COAL ROLL

    Anyone who’s musical taste does not exactly match mine, is a poser nerd who belongs in a locker.

  • KJM, Shake Zula

    For all those that are unaware, this is what the article is a parody of, among other things. https://www.politicalcompass.org/test

    Test results come out looking a little something like this.(RFI)
    https://www.metabunk.org/attachments/upload_2013-7-20_12-52-41-png.3545/

    • COAL ROLL

      I don’t trust any website with a .org domain

        • Dubs

          Only .edu is real.

          • COAL ROLL

            my unemployed college graduate friends with infinite student loan debt would disagree with that.

          • Dubs

            Me too 🙁

          • Old Man Doom

            +1 🙁

        • COAL ROLL

          my truck sure thinks so

        • Old Man Doom

          I’m very confused by his sign. Who exactly is the “we” here? Certainly not this tri-corner hat wearing asshole.

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        Why if I may ask? I’ll fix it so clicking is unnecessary.

      • Bunk Moreland

        I trust that one.

        • Guacamole Jim

          Whoa whoa whoa. When the The Bunk show up in the bowl?

          • Dubs

            Where Jimmy is, there you’ll find Bunk.

          • Guacamole Jim

            I only just finished season 4. Jimmy’s playing daddy while Bunk is drinking with Lester.

    • VENEZUELA REPRESENTS.

      ¡Dale! ¡Ya tú Chávez! ¡Mr. Worldwide!

      http://memexicano.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/YA-TU-CHAVEZ.jpg

    • Dubs

      Huh. I didn’t realize I leaned more right economically.

      https://www.politicalcompass.org/images/bothaxes.gif

      • Dubs

        Edit: I’m a dummy and copied the example.

        https://www.politicalcompass.org/chart?ec=-3.13&soc=-3.18

        • KJM, Shake Zula

          I always end up on the far lower left of these things, big surprise.

          • Lacertilian

            I’m usually hard left but just below the center line.

        • I made one of those one time and my result was Anarchist.

          Halp, plox.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Dat’s me, leftist whacko! Just means I’m more fun at parties baybay! WOOO!!

          • ;_;) That’s my curse. It’s like a werewolf curse, but instead, I talk about demolish the State and how bad every politican is and people thinks I’m schizophrenic.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            That ain’t even left fam.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Bro, do you even left?

          • Here is mine, buddy.

          • Damnit RFI

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            See? We’re not really that far apart at all!

          • Guacamole Jim

            The three of us are all pretty damn close.. it’s kinda unnerving.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            You and GL aren’t that close.

          • Guacamole Jim

            I meant you, me, and KJM.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I see now, Comrade Guacamole.

          • Guacamole Jim
          • Sir Tapir The Based
          • People put up a front about what they “believe” in. But when you get down to solid questions about what is right and wrong, the true answer almost always comes out!

          • Sir Tapir The Based
          • get it son!

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Get what?

          • Dubs

            You’re further left than I expected.

          • I voted for Obama the first time. If that gives you any indication. I think people get hung up on certain politicized points that make them appear more left or right. I know I get hung up on that as well.

          • RJA

            I can’t figure out if being dead center would make you an amazing individual or a boring one?

        • Guacamole Jim

          I’m a little more Gandhi than you are, but all in all, pretty close. RFI

          • Dagon

            Libertarian right for me

            More economic right than libertarian though

          • JAJAJAJAJAJA. That’s why Atlantis was sunk, because capitalism.

          • Dagon

            Don’t phunk with my heart, Link

            Signed, Fergie

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Howdy neighbor!

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          I’m a bit more down and quite a lot more on the left than you.

          • GET LOW, SIR TAPIR.

            *brb, looking for ma’ grills*

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYH7_GzP4Tg

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            There’s blood in my vomit

          • I remember when that song was the fashion here.

            I uncontrollably cried everytime I heared it on the streets ;_;)

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            getlowgetlowgetlowgetlow

          • ;_;)

            brb, I cri everytiem.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            to the window!!!
            to the wall!!

            Sorry, I like that jam.

    • JWEG

      I rather like this infographic (and its ongoing reuse), if only for its title:

      https://espnfivethirtyeight.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/silver-gop-five-ring-circus-0921.png?w=610&h=613

      • Katy Perry is on the Tea Party?

        • JWEG

          If pop stars could immediately muscle into top-tier politics, at least The Biebs is ineligible.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          The Teats Party, yes.

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        A billionaire who cites holocaust deniers, conspiracy theorists, and racist vigilantes in his speeches and campaign literature is being taken seriously as a GOP candidate. It is to laugh.

        • JWEG

          http://www.cbc.ca/radio/popup/audio/player.html?autoPlay=true&clipIds=2679766889&mediaIds=2679766885

          If you have half an hour this is worth hearing how Canadian interviewers handle an unruly Trump-supporting tea partier trying to obfuscate during an otherwise civil discussion of Trumps scarier tendencies.

          Oh. I forgot to check if there’s a region-gate on that clip. If there is I’ll find the International version later…

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Checking it out.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Can we import some of your journalists to The US?
            George W Bush wasn’t being called a Fascist or being compared to Hitler in those days? Someone has a very selective memory.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            This “Conservative Black Chick” doesn’t come armed with much in the way of facts, does she? Trump has been trying to become President on and off since the mid 80s. Unless she’s much older than she sounds, there’s no way she’s been writing about conservative politics since before Trump was “a thing”.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Nilla Wafers Now!

  • CyberneticOrganism
  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I like bands that are unassumingly fun. Like Opeth or Nile or old Mastodon or Wolves in the Throne Room. Ones that are fun because of cool concepts and a natural knack for good tunes. Most songs directly about drinking or partying just make me want to lie down.

    • I believe WitTR would fall into the dregs of the NO FUN zone. They don’t want people to mosh or even headbang at their shows. They want people to “lay down and cry.” Paraphrasing, but true quote.

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Aww, really? But they’re so good to do the leisurely headbang of doom to!

        • Indeed. Or the swerving-in-the-car-almost-crashing-and-dying-whiplash-headbang-ov-puppiesn’kitties.

      • ProfoundHatred

        Anti-moshers are the worst.

  • Scrimm

    This is good stuff

  • COAL ROLL

    all kidding aside, this is trill content, the kind that other blogs might be apt to regurgitate as their own.

    • Dagon

      Maybe they’ll name a weekly feature after Joey’s findings.

      • Dubs

        Thashnkill Tuesday?

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          But Tuesday’s already been taken by Tech Death.

        • Dagon

          Thrashnanalyze Fridays

      • Dagy <3

    • COAL ROLL
    • CyberneticOrganism

      Shit My Joe Says

      • Dagon

        “My Joe”

        hehehe

  • RJA

    I think we should use an acronym here… “according to the CCMI…..”

    • Good call!

    • Lacertilian

      Acronyms form a word. CCMI does not.
      /PedanticSemantics

      • RJA

        no shit! I did not know that. I think we know where I place on the CCMI.

        • Lacertilian

          I’ve heard them called Pseudo-acronyms by people stuffed in lockers.

  • JWEG
  • I adore the placement of Lifelover. And also Jazz.
    This article >>>>>>>>>>>>

  • Paris Hilton

    Tool is a total Nerd Locker essential band. That tool who won’t shut up in your philosophy class and definitely cannot throw a football totally listens to Tool.

  • Waynecro

    That was magnificent, Joe. I’m going to get that graphic tattooed on my chest and walk around shirtless in record stores.

  • David Vincent’s Spandex Shirt

    My bros in Morbid Angel used to refer to their shows as rituals and they sure as shit towed the line in to the brilliance quadrant with all sorts of fun shit of a boner inducing variety. Now the shows still kick ass but the overall purpose is starting to sink into the Nerdy idiot area.

  • Akerskronks ov Steele

    I’m a particular fan of Landphil from Municipal Waste/Cannabis Corpse/ Iron Reagan. They may revel in mindless party thrash but that dude is a serious bass player and a decent rhythm guitarist as well.

  • Óðinn

    Good work Joe.