This Toilet Tuesday (3/24/15)

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It’s only 10:30 and this party has already dragged on too long. Unfortunately for you, you can’t escape it; you’re hosting it. Hell, you were even looking forward to it until your stomach started churning an hour ago. You thought that chicken looked under-cooked, but you ate it anyway and now here you are. Your attempt to distance yourself from the crowd has failed, too; though it at first felt good on your fevered skin, the chill of the early spring evening has become too much. You step back in from the balcony and head for your bed, hoping that a little nap will be enough to revitalize you.Thirty minutes later, you bolt upright. A tremendous, stabbing pain has grown in your bowels, your abdomen swollen slightly with the pressure of an impending tsunami of bodily waste. Hunched over and clutching your stomach, you make your way to the bathroom. To your dismay, a long line has formed before it. You groan and step back out to the balcony. I will not shit myself in front of my friends, you desperately command yourself. The minutes drag for what seems like hours. You grip the railing tightly as you feel your insides clench. Maybe I could go over the side? No, too risky. You strengthen your resolve and brace for the wait. Though your anus is steel, your body is a stronger rebel than you imagined; your stomach suddenly turns over and you retch over the railing. You heave only once, spewing for what seems like an impossibly long time. You have become a vile fountain, a single long, steady stream of vomit showering your neighbor’s hedges. As the last drop of bile exits your body and falls into your friend’s uncovered convertible in your driveway, you collapse on the floor. Hey, you think to yourself as sleep begins to wash over you. I don’t have to poop anymore!

This is the silver lining in a universe of shit. This is Toilet Tuesday.


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Fulgora – Stratagem (Housecore) [Deathgrind]
Stream

The incestuous, mutant lovechild of Agoraphobic Nosebleed, Pig Destroyer, and Misery Index release their debut album, Strategem, today and boy is it a tasty freight train of riffs. Walking a fine line between grindcore and death metal, it features just the right combination of bouncy groove and absolute chaos that makes these songs the most pleasant beating you’ll ever experience. Even more so than getting beaten with socks filled with delightful smelling soaps. Look, we can sit here using dumb metaphors all day, or you can hit play and we can grind and enjoy life. (Leif Bearikson)


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Loch Vostok – From These Waters (ViciSolum Productions) [Melodeath]
Listen to “Like Poison to the Stars,” “Sentiment”

A cursory listen of “Like Poison to the Stars” would give one the impression that Swedish melodeath maestros Loch Vostok like Arsis almost as much as I do (almost); everything from the guitar tone to the spiteful whirlwind of riffs to the unrelenting drumming bears a strong resemblance to the latter. The chorus takes a completely different turn, though, with its big chords and soaring clean vocals. “Sentiment” is a bleak and weary keyboard-driven ballad that proves the band is entirely their own entity. I look forward to how the band’s aggressive side meshes with their contemplative, progressive sound when the full album drops this Friday. (Spear)


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Judicator – At the Expense of Humanity (Independent) [Power Metal]
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Grab your steel and mount your robot unicorn. We’re about to charge into heated battle with Judicator! At the Expense of Humanity is one of the most hotly anticipated power metal releases of 2015, and for good reason. While many PM bands are bogged down with overbearing cheesiness and stale songwriting, Judicator brings a welcome freshness to the genre by injecting every riff and every vocal harmony with emotional heft. This is PM that doesn’t just gallop blindly towards the sunrise; instead, it opens your eyes to the rigors of war and leaves you exhausted and satisfied after a hard-fought victory. FFO: Hammerfall, Cellador, Noble Beast (W.)


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Theories – Regression (Metal Blade) [Deathgrind]
Stream

Deathgrind fans, prepare your buns for a battering, because this debut album by Seattle upstarts Theories is kicking the crap out of everything in its way. It’s pretty amazing to see deathgrind of this quality in a debut album, but Regression smashes and bashes like a bloodstained wrecking ball, and there’s nowhere to hide. Tasteful breakdowns, soulful leads, and oceanic grooves accentuating the restless blasts all make this one release you shouldn’t miss. Stream it in full over at Invisible Oranges. FFO: Weekend Nachos, Murder Construct, 908 (W.)


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Mor Dagor – Redeemer (Osmose Productions) [Blackened Death]
Listen to “Redeemer,” “Message of Salvation”

Me and Mor Dagor go back all the way to last autumn. They were playing awfully generic Norsecore, although they were never bad at it. It is so hard to excel in something so overdone and I wouldn’t ever have bothered with Mor Dagor again if I hadn’t recognized their name. I’m glad I did. Mor Dagor is still highly unoriginal and uninventive black metal but after injecting a little death metal into their veins it seems they accidentally upped their game as well. Unfortunately the first of these two songs continues on the over-trodden path, but “Message of Salvation” picks up after the one-minute mark and manages to leave my needs for Very Basic Blackish Metal™ satisfied. (Karhu)


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Barren Earth – On Lonely Towers (Century Media) [Progressive Death Metal]
Listen to “On Lonely Towers”

I know W. already did a mini-review for this particular album, but I’d like to remind you of it. Peaceful and unruffled death metal with a healthy dose of prog, doom and Opeth-y riffs, and the new vocalist Aldara’s heartfelt cleans and ripping growls. This album is at it’s best on it’s moody and beautiful moments, but delivers whenever it is required to rip as well. Thanks to Oppu Laine, I believe, Barren Earth delivers music that might well be an alternative to Amorphis. (Karhu)


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Unrest – Grindcore (Unspeakable Axe) [Figure it out, genius]
Listen to “Anything to Shock”

While I am a grindcore noob, as I have only been diggin’ the genre for a half year or so, I can say with certainty that Unrest’s debut fucking rips and is the good shit. Like you know when you go to the bar and you’re like give me the good stuff and they give you some decent drink and you’re like, “Nah, I mean the GOOD stuff.” That’s Unrest for ya, the really fucking good stuff. GRIND (Jack Bauer)


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Disgrace – True Enemy (Closed Casket Activities) [Hardcore]
Stream

This is a great hardcore record. It features members of Nails and Twitching Tongues. Shit what more to I need to say? This will do a great job of holding you over until Nails drops a new one. (Jack Bauer)


Ancient Gods – Forsaken Needs (Independent) [Thrash]
Listen to “Rotting in the Sun”

Awakened Inferno – Fire in the Hole (Independent) [Metalcore]
Listen to “Mean Machine”

Black Flame – The Origin of Fire (Avantgarde Music) [Black Metal]
Stream

Bonesaw Lobotomy/Mastectomy/Hate Inclination/Numbered with the Transgressors – Gutted by One Man (Rotten Music) [Brutal Death/Slurm]
Listen

Damnation Angels – The Valiant Fire (Massacre Records) [Symphonic Metal]
Listen to “Finding Requiem”

Der Weg Einer Freiheit – Stellar (Season of Mist) [Black Metal]
Stream

Evoke Thy Lords – Boys! Raise Giant Mushrooms In Your Cellar! (Solitude Prod) [Doom]
Listen to “Damn These Deserts”

Frosthelm – The Endless Winter (Alkemy Brothers) [Black Metal]
Stream

The Gentle Storm – The Diary (InsideOut Music) [Prog Metal]
Listen to “Shores of India (Gentle Version)”

God Mother – Maktbehov (Independent) [Grindcore]
Listen to “Blodfors”

Gouge – Beyond Death (Hell’s Headbangers) [Black Thrash]
Listen to “Breath of the Reaper,” “Devil’s Debt”

Grimorium Verum – Relict (Symbol of Domination) [Black Metal]
Listen to “In Satan We Trust”

Groan – Highrospliffics (Superhot Records) [Doom]
Listen to “Witchfinder General Finder”

Hellskuad – Liege of Inveracity (East Breath Records) [Slam Chowder]
Listen to “Karnivora Dari Neraka”

Ilium – My Misanthropia (Nightmare Records) [Power Metal]
Preview

Inculter – Persisting Devolution (Edged Circle Productions) [Thrash]
Listen to “Commander”

King Hitter – King Hitter (Plastic Head/Restricted Release)

Lifeless – Dream (Fast Break!) [Hardcore]
Stream

Mammoth Mammoth – Volume IV: Hammered Again (Napalm Records) [Stoner Rock]
Listen to “Life’s a Bitch”

Massenhinrichtung – Zakon Zbroi (Darker Than Black) [Folk/Black Metal]

Messenger – Captain’s Loot (Massacre Records) [Power Metal]
Listen to “Kill the King” (Rainbow cover)

Michael Schenker’s Temple of Rock – Spirit on a Mission (in-akustik GmbH & Co.) [Heavy Metal]
Listen to “Vigilante Man”

The Monolith Deathcult – Bloodcvlts (Season of Mist) [Death Metal]
Stream

Nightwish – Endless Forms Most Beautiful (Nuclear Blast) [Waste of Talent]
Listen to “Elan”

Nocturnalia – Above Below Within (Gaphals) [Post-Metal]
Listen to “Lady of the Woods”

Pandemia – Aggression Desires (Dead Sheep Productions) [Thrash]
Listen to “Eat My Guts”

Pantommind – Searching For Eternity (Spectastral Records) [Power Prog]
Preview

Pombagira – Flesh Throne Press (Svart Records) [DOOOOOM]
Listen to “Flesh Throne Press”

The Poodles – Devil in the Details (Gain Music Entertainment) [Swedish U2]
Listen to “Devil in the Details”

Red Apollo – Altruist (Moment of Collapse/Alerta Antifascista Records) [Post-Black Metal]
Listen to “Remnants of a Blazing Sun”

Seventh Genocide – Breeze of Memories (Naked Lunch) [Post-Black Metal]

Signs of Darkness – The Age of Decay (Shiver Records) [Black Metal]
Listen to “The Age of Decay”

Solipsist – The Burning Mass (Ferocious Records) [Death Metal]
Listen to “None Dare Call it Conspiracy”

Svadilfare – Krig I Kunst (Naturmacht Productions) [Black Metal]
Stream

Winter of Apokalypse – Winter of the Apokalypse (Plastik Musik) [lolbuttz]
Stream

Witch of the Waste – Made of Teeth (Independent) [Progressive Hardcore]
Stream

Did we forget a new release? Is there a way we could improve this list? Let us know in the comments below!

(Photos VIA, VIAVIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, and VIA)

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