This Toilet Tuesday (2/3/15)


It’s a frantic day. You’ve spent the last few hours at work wondering how you’re going to balance your time for the rest of the week. Between friends and family and your job, not to mention the band you’ve been neglecting to practice with, your obligations seem to keep piling up without end. The stress is overwhelming, and your body knows it all too well. You shout for your coworker to cover for you as you make a mad dash for the nearest bathroom. You choose a stall on the far end, away from the other bathroom attendees, in hopes of sparing them from the forthcoming cataclysmic stress-poop emergence. With only seconds to spare, you slam yourself down on the seat. You close your eyes and brace yourself for the worst; this is not how you imagined you would meet your end, but there’s no stopping it now. To your surprise, it comes out without resistance. You hear a single “plop” and your intestines loosen. Endorphins flood your body and you relax, knowing the calamity has been averted and humanity is safe. As you stand up and flush, you hear a faint, soothing voice in the back of your mind: “It is not yet your time, my child.”

And like that most satisfying of bowel movements, This Toilet Tuesday is here again to offer you relief from your day-to-day stresses. There’s a little something for everyone this week, and it’s all solid. This week also sees the number of bears on our writing team double as Nordling Rites ov Karhu joins in. Have at it!

blind guardian

Blind Guardian – Beyond the Red Mirror (Nuclear Blast) [Power Metal]
Listen to “Twilight of the Gods”

Blind Guardian are easily one of the best bands in power metal, perhaps even the pinnacle itself. So, nerds, I come bearing glad tidings of great joy. The eagerly-anticipated tenth studio album is upon us! Few bands have maintained such consistency and quality throughout their career, but I can guarantee that Blind Guardian will not disappoint on this album. Hansi Kürsch and the gang have somehow upped the bombast and epic scale of their scope on this release, working with three worldwide choirs and two full-scale orchestras to flesh out a nuanced, cinematic experience linking to the older album Imaginations from the Other Side. To further illustrate my point about how hotly anticipated this album is, I asked the Masterlord how engorged he is about this album’s imminent release, to which he responded, “Full mast, shining with brilliance.” There you have it. Listen to Blind Guardian and hoist the top sail. FFO: Cellador, Twilight Force, Hammerfall. (W.)


Abscession – Grave Offerings (Final Gate Records) [Death Metal]
Listen to “Where Sleeping Gods Dwell”

There’s just something so good about quality, straightforward death metal. I like skronk and deathgrind more than the next guy, but sometimes I just need something that gets my head banging. In that regard, Abscession fit the bill quite nicely. Crunchy riff? Check. Distinguishable growl? Check. Rock solid tempo? Check. Audible bass? That’s a bingo. This has the winning formula for a great pit party. Abscession won’t be winning any awards for uniqueness, but not every band has to play weirdo time signatures. FFO: Bloodbath, Hail of Bullets, that one good Six Feet Under album. (W.)


0 X í S T – One Eon (Death Shrine Offerings) [Doom]
Listen to “Enshrine”

After a promising debut, the dark-death-doom metallers 0 X í S T (or Zero Exist) is back with One Eon, taking off from where they last landed but bathing their time-space continuum defying vessel in lead (for that extra-crispy heaviness). Heavier, more merciless and less catchy than before, the emphasis is on doom this time around. Connecting lines can be drawn to every genre-pioneering death/doom band, but 0 X í S T sounds like none of them. FFO: Atmosphere thicker than D.Johnson’s chest, Thou, Chianti in a good company. (Nordling Rites ov Karhu)

keeper of the sea bastard

Keeper/Sea Bastard – Keeper/Sea Bastard (split- Dry Cough Records) [Sludge]

When I saw Keeper pop up on our new release list, I quickly became a little kid whose candy is threatened. MINE MINE MINE MINE (little kids are douche bags). When our friendly neighborhood Xan made us aware of Keeper in an edition of Don’t Miss This, we pretty much universally sung the nasty, hideous praises of their lurching, charred-black brand of gruesome sludge. Imagine a vicious, wet punch to your gut that’s been stretched out for 14 agonizing minutes, and you have the track that makes up Keeper’s half of this split. Sea Bastard takes over next with a massive, 20-minute song that compliments Keeper’s half perfectly. There is a stark contrast in vocal style: Sea Bastard’s throaty, gut-wrenching vomit juxtaposes Keeper’s high, tortured shrieks, providing an excellent range of ways to drag you to a watery grave. This is a limited release, so hop on right here. (Stockhausen)

norman shores

Norman Shores – Le tombeau de brume (Ossuaire Records) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Eternelle Allégeance”

Do you like your black metal with a side of black metal, stirred in an icy concoction of black metal? I usually like mine with a little twist on the side, but something about the freezing, detached determination of Norman Shores (who is from France, so 10 points already) clutches my withered heart and doesn’t let go. I love the spacious rasp of the vocal style, the incessant pounding of distant drums, and the swirling, windswept production that furiously whirls the whole thing into a snowstorm. I’m no authority on black metal, but man. This is good. (Stockhausen)

through lung and heart

Devouring Star – Through Lung and Heart (Daemon Worship) [Black Metal]

I’m going to be real with you guys. I already like this album more than my favorite black metal album from last year. This is by no means standard black metal. It warps and twists, bends, wavers and occasionally backs off. It latches onto your heart like some kind of cavity dwelling lamprey and swiftly drains your being. What I’m trying to say is it is nasty and great. At a brief 38 minutes, it never overstays its welcome and will leave you craving more. (Leif Bearikson)

denouncing the holy throne

Heaving Earth – Denouncing the Holy Throne (Lavadome) [Death Metal]
Listen to “Doomed Before Inception”

At the time of writing this I have only heard “Doomed Before Inception” but I’ll be lolbuttzed if it isn’t a fucking spectacular track. It’s straight up in your face death metal with hints of the skronky weirdness that you would expect from Gorguts or Gigan. The guitars sound pretty crazy too! It’s also got a kind of unique atmospheric vibe to it. This is gonna be a good one boys and girls. (Jack Bauer)


Hagbard – Tales of Frost and Flames (Genocidio Records) [Folk Metal]
Listen to “Stormborn Queen”, “Cursed Dwarf”

With an album cover like that, you know exactly what you’re going to get: a frozen slab of wintry folk metal about dragons and vikings. Thankfully, Hagbard don’t fall into the trap of being so over-the-top that they lose their charm. The songs have enough twists and turns to keep them interesting, and the vocals remind me a bit of Caladan Brood’s powerful, somber delivery (albeit a little more nasal). If nothing else, it’s a fun folk metal album that you can raise a flagon of mead to. (Spear)

66Crusher – Wanderer (Misanthropica) [Prog Metal]
Listen to “Lost in the Fray”

Al-Namrood – Ana al Tughian (Shaytan Productions) [Black/Folk Metal]

Ars Veneficium/Azaghal – The Will, The Power, The Goat (Immortal Frost) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Worship the Goat” (Ars Veneficium), “Uhri Yölle” (Azaghal)

Criminology – Capitalist Destroyer (Deathfans) [Brutal Death]

Cult of Herodias – Greyvein (New Frame Records) [Doom/Ambient]

Darking – Steal the Fire (Jolly Roger Records) [Heavy Metal]
Listen to “Steal the Fire”

Dead Empires – Secret Snakes, Silent Serpent (Independent) [Instrumental Doomy Kinda thing]

Dead in the Manger – Cessation (20 Buck Spin) [Blackened Death]
Listen to “II,” “IV”

Deafest/Sinding – Deafest/Sinding (Chainsaw to the Bass) [Black Metal]

Diesel King – Concrete Burial (When Planets Collide) [Sludge]
Listen to “Brainhammer”

Fulgora – Stratagem (Housecore) [Grindcore]
Listen to “Meridian”

Harpago/Antroforce – Harpago/Antroforce (Anti-Herói Records) [Thrash]

Human Serpent/Human Parasites – Servants in Extreme Misanthropy (MercifulHell Productions) [Black Metal]

Kayleth – Space Muffin (Argonauta Records) [Stoner/Doom]
Listen to “Lies of Mind”

Lashblood – Plasticine People (SND Prod/Sigillvm Tenebrae) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Plasticine People”

Leah – Kings & Queens (Independent) [Symphonic Metal]
Listen to “Enter the Highlands”, “This Present Darkness”

Lykaion – Heavy Lullabies (Inverse Records) [Metalcore]
Listen to “For Love”

Luciferian – Path of the Burning Serpent (Satan’s Retaliation) [Black Metal]
Listen to “An Everlasting End”

Mork – Fortid og Fremtid (Independent) [Black Metal]

Organ Trail – Those Slimy Bastards (Grimoire Records) [Deathgrind]
Listen to “That’s my mother you’re pissing on,” “A terrifying tale of sluts and bolts”

Simus – Vox Vult (Bakerteam Records) [lolbuttz]
Listen to “The Soulmaker”

Solefald – World Music. Kosmopolis Sud (Indie Recordings) [World Metal]

Spook the Horses – Rainmaker (Independent) [Post-Hardcore]

Swords at Hymns – Autumnal Introspections (Sulphur Records) [Black Metal]

Thrashback – Night of the Sacrifice (Emanes Metal) [Thrash]
Listen to “Abused”

Ululate – Back to Cannibal World (Xtreem Music) [Blackened Death]
Listen to “Red Wine”

Ulysses Siren – Justifiable Homicide (Malevolence Records) [Thrash]

Wells Valley – Matter as Regent (Bleak Recordings) [Sludge/Post-Metal]

Wildpath – Disclosure (Brennus Music) [Symphonic Metal]
Listen to “Petrichor”

Wind Rose – Wardens of the West Wind (Scarlet Records) [Power Metal]
Listen to “Rebel and Free”

Wömit Angel – Maggotmouth (Inverse Records) [Black/Thrash]

Yesterday’s Saints – Generation of Vipers (Draconum Records) [Death Thrash]

Did we forget a new release? Is there a way we could improve this list? Let us know in the comments below!

(Photos VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, and VIA)

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