This Toilet Tuesday (2/17/15)


You come in from the brutal cold chilled to the bone. The lacerating winds have savaged your face and hands, and you regret not wearing a thicker coat. Still, it was a good night; you had a few drinks with some good friends and finished off the evening at your favorite Mexican restaurant. Exhausted from tonight’s revelry, you go to perform your evening ablutions and plop yourself down on the toilet. As you wipe, you feel a sharp stinging sensation. The paper you just used has a couple small red streaks. You grimace, but a little blood isn’t entirely unexpected between the harsh cold and your low-quality toilet paper.

As you finish and move to stand, your stomach cramps up. You quickly sit back down and feel a torrent of liquid ooze its way out, your now-burning anus sputtering pathetically between waves of shit. Wishing you had opted for a milder sauce on your burrito, you reach for another roll of toilet paper when an acrid coppery smell hits your nostrils. You gaze in horror into the bowl, its sides streaked with a blackened, red, mud-like substance. You reach for your phone to call an ambulance, but the pain comes again. You roar in agony and grip the sides of the bowl as you feel something give way inside. Your bowels implode, gushing out your ragged posterior. You slump back a little further than you should be able to and sink partway into the toilet. Slathered in your own bloody feces and intestines, you spend your final moments looking blearily around the room. The mirror hasn’t been cleaned in ages. The toothbrush you’ve neglected to replace for the last two years is stained a sickening yellow-brown. There’s mold in the corner above the shower that has spread through a crack in the ceiling. You die as you lived: festering in your own filth.

Welcome to This Toilet Tuesday.


Sarpanitum – Blessed Be My Brothers (Willowtip) [Blackened Brutal Death]

My pal Simon Phoenix has been talking Sarpanitum up for quite some time, so I would have been a fool to not jump on this stream. In case you haven’t paid attention to the criminal mastermind’s words of wisdom, listen up. Blessed Be My Brothers slays. This death metal tour de force has everything you brutal folks crave. Twisting riffs bend around tireless drum tattoos to create an unrelenting assault. Willowtip consistently releases some of the best albums around, and Blessed Be My Brothers is no exception. FFO: Nile, Mithras, Immolation (W.)

which swamp

Swamp Witch – The Slithering Bog (Transylvanian Tapes) [Filthy Sludge]

Sometimes an album title tells you exactly what to expect. Sometimes a band’s name fits just so perfectly. The Slithering Blog by Swamp Witch is a perfect example of the former by a perfect example of the latter. Mud-caked riffs seethe and boil while the reptilian vocals bellow and moan. This is slow and nasty and reeks of decay. Y’all are going to dig it. FFO: Thou, Indian, The Atlas Moth (W.)


Aktor – Paranoia (Independent) [Heavy Metal]
Listen to “Too Young to Die,” “Six Silver Suns”

People from Dawnbringer and the mighty Circle come together for an AOR-feast, slathered in pro-like flourishes and psych tinges over galloping rhythms. Come, have a beer with me and we’ll jam the night away. (Karhu)

butt cleanliness

Rectal Hygienics – Ultimate Purity (Permanent Records) [Noise/Sludge]

I have to thank my main herpaderp, Jedward, for putting me on this. ‘Tis some goddamn noisy and tasty Punk/Sludge, heavy as hell and thrice as violent. Rectal Hygienics are are thoroughly disgusting, their guitars drenched in feedback and condition too drunk to not slip into doomier territories.  If you, for a fleeting moment have found yourself enjoying flopping bass and pounding drums beneath something that resembles an abrasive wall of noise rather  than an actual riff, then I sincerely recommend you take note of this band. “Grandeur” is hardly their best song, but enough to keep me confident about Ultimate PurityFFO: Brainbombs, Drunks With Guns, Drunks With Guns (The Band). (Karhu)


Ensiferum – One Man Army (Metal Blade) [Folk Metal]
Listen to “One Man Army,” “Heathen Horde,” “Cry for the Earth Bounds”

Rejoice, fellow warriors, for Ensiferum have returned! For many, Unsung Heroes was a bit of a letdown. I am glad to report that One Man Army does not disappoint. Everything is bigger on this album; from the increased emphasis on and complexity of the strings parts to the booming choir, their sound is more cinematic than ever before. Of particular note is the track “Cry for the Earth Bounds,” which sounds unlike anything they’ve done before. It’s an excellent return to form that explores some new ground. Jam it! (Spear)


Deivos – Theodicy (Selfmadegod) [Death Metal]

Deivos are badass. Not only are they badass, but they manage to incorporate a cowbell into their music while still staying badass. Furious drumming, blistering lightning fast solos and a bit of groove are what you’re gonna get on the Deivos’s newest offering. Don’t sleep on this band you guys. This shit is nuts. (Jack Bauer)


Primitive Man – Home is Where the Hatred Is (Relapse Records) [Noise/Black/Doom]
Listen to “Loathe”

What could I possibly say about Primitive Man at this point that hasn’t been covered? You either adore their brand of slowly heart crushing noisy doom or you can’t stand it. If you fall into the latter camp, Home is Where the Hatred Is isn’t going to do anything to win you over. It’s exactly what you expect from Primitive Man: A filth covered slab of hatred and feedback. Of course, this also means that is freaking GOOD. Now go forth, Children of the Bowl, and give in to the depravity. (Leif Bearikson)

36 Crazyfists – Time and Trauma (Spinefarm) [Metalcore]
Listen to “Also Am I”

Aethyr – Corpus (Cimmerian Shade) [Black/Doom]
Listen to “Cvlt”

Ancient Rites – Laguz (Massacre Records) [Symphonic Death Metal]
Listen to “Carthago Delenda Est”

Atten Ash – The Hourglass (Hypnotic Dirge) [Death/Doom]
Listen to “City in the Sea”

Barbarity – Crush of Hypocritical Morality (Coyote Records) [Death/Grind]

Barshasketh/Void Ritual – Barhsasketh/Void Ritual (Broken Limbs) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Heaven’s Gate” (Void Ritual)

Brothers of the Sonic Cloth – Brothers of the Sonic Cloth (Neurotic Records) [Sludge]
Listen to “Lava”

Burst Bowel – Repelled Gift (Coyote Records) [Brutal Death]

Burweed – Hide (Inverse Records) [Post-Metal]
Listen to “Lie”

Citizen X – Satanation (Wolfsblood Productions) [Death Metal]

Cruenta Lacrymis – Sweetness and Blasphemy (Metal Scrap) [Black Metal]

Crypt Jaintor – You Come to Us! (Destroy the Humanity) [Stoner/Doom]

Culto Profano/Naberus666 – 666 (split- Mecctesco) [Black Metal]

Dying Gorgeous Lies – First World Breakdown (Massacre Records) [Melodic/Thrash]
Listen to “First World Breakdown”

Ecnephias – Ecnephias (My Kingdom Music) [Gothic Metal]
Listen to “Vipra Negra (Black Tantric Sexuality)”

Erazor – Dust Monuments (Evil Spell Records) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Dust Monuments”

Ethereal Shroud – They Became the Falling Ash (Grimoire Cassette Cvlture) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Desperation Hymn”

Fetid Zombie – Grotesque Creation (Iron Bonehead/Bowel of Noise) [Death/Thrash]

Furor Gallico – Songs from the Earth (Scarlet Records) [Folk Metal]

Gian – All Life Erased (Inverse Records) [Melodeath]

Grey Wolf – We Are Metalheads (Independent) [Heavy Metal]
Listen to “Die by the Steel”

Harrow – Fallow Fields (Independent) [Black/Folk Metal]
Listen to “Through the Grey”

The Haunting Presence – 2015 MLP (Hell’s Headbangers) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Arsenic for this Pathetic Existence”

Hybrid Nightmares – The First Age (Independent) [Melodeath]

Keep of Kalessin – Epistemology (Indie Recordings) [Epic Black Metal]

Lapis Lazuli – The Downfall of Humanity (Independent) [Symphonic Metal]
Listen to “The Downfall”

Lord Fist – Green Eyleen (Ektro/Full Contact Records) [Heavy/Power Metal]
Listen to “Green Eyleen”

Medieval Art – The Era of Chaos pt. IV (Depressive Illusions) [Unreasonably Raw Black Metal]
Listen to “Forgotten Era”

Merciless Death – Taken Beyond (Independent) [Thrash]
Listen to “Oath of Revenge”

Murtad – Extirpate the Remaining Breath (Necrology Records) [Brutal Death]

Necrowretch – With Serpents Scourge (Century Media) [Black Thrash]
Listen to “Feast Off Their Doom”

Nightland – Obsession (Independent) [Symphonic Death Metal]
Listen to “Icarus”

Nunslaughter/The Lurking Corpses – Nunslaughter/The Lurking Corpses (split – Hell’s Headbangers) [Black Metal]

Poynte – Discreet Enemy (THC Music) [Hard Rock]
Listen to “Take Control”

Rotten Light – II: A Way of Life that you Can’t Understand (Independent) [lolbuttz]

Recueil Morbide – Morbid Collection (Great Dane Records) [Brutal Death]

Salythia – Death D’core (Dead Inside) [Melodeath]

Samara – Whispers of the Undying (Independent) [Doom]

Saturn Form Essence/Spira – Astral (Depressive Illusions) [Ambient/Drone/Black Metal]

Secret Rule – Transposed Emotions (Rocksector Records) [Melodic Metal]
Listen to “I Don’t Wanna Be”

Sixpounder Teratoma/Rectal Smegma/Pussy Torpedo – 69% of Porngrind (split- Coyote Records) [Brutal Death/Grind]
Listen to “Suffocation by an Umbilical Cord of the Decaying Baby” (ST)

Solium Fatalis – The Undying Season (Galy Records) [Death Metal]
Listen to “Corruptor”

Stick to Your Guns – Disobedient (Sumerian Records) [Hardcore]
Listen to “RMA”

Stillbirth – Global Error (Rising Nemesis) [Brutal Death]

Somnia – Shadows (Independent) [Power Prog]

Svartsot – Vaeldet (Nail Records) [Folk Metal]*
Listen to “Kilden – I Marker og i Lunde”

Syn Ze Sase Tri – Stapin Peste Stapini (Code666) [Symphonic Black Metal]*
Listen to “Stapin Peste Stapini”

Triumph, Genus – Jine se dnes ma mymi svety rozlehat (Hexencave Productions) [Black Metal]*
Listen to “Na Nejhlubsich Lidkych Dnech”

Vardan – The Night, The Loneliness (Moribund Recordings) [DSBM]

Vargsheim – Traume der Schlaflosen (MDD Recordings) [Black Metal]*
Listen to “Finning”

Whyzdom – Symphony for a Hopeless God (Scarlet Records) [Symphonic Metal]
Listen to “While the Witches Burn”

Did we forget a new release? Is there a way we could improve this list? Let us know in the comments below!

(Photos VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, and VIA)

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