This Toilet Tuesday (2/17/15)

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You come in from the brutal cold chilled to the bone. The lacerating winds have savaged your face and hands, and you regret not wearing a thicker coat. Still, it was a good night; you had a few drinks with some good friends and finished off the evening at your favorite Mexican restaurant. Exhausted from tonight’s revelry, you go to perform your evening ablutions and plop yourself down on the toilet. As you wipe, you feel a sharp stinging sensation. The paper you just used has a couple small red streaks. You grimace, but a little blood isn’t entirely unexpected between the harsh cold and your low-quality toilet paper.

As you finish and move to stand, your stomach cramps up. You quickly sit back down and feel a torrent of liquid ooze its way out, your now-burning anus sputtering pathetically between waves of shit. Wishing you had opted for a milder sauce on your burrito, you reach for another roll of toilet paper when an acrid coppery smell hits your nostrils. You gaze in horror into the bowl, its sides streaked with a blackened, red, mud-like substance. You reach for your phone to call an ambulance, but the pain comes again. You roar in agony and grip the sides of the bowl as you feel something give way inside. Your bowels implode, gushing out your ragged posterior. You slump back a little further than you should be able to and sink partway into the toilet. Slathered in your own bloody feces and intestines, you spend your final moments looking blearily around the room. The mirror hasn’t been cleaned in ages. The toothbrush you’ve neglected to replace for the last two years is stained a sickening yellow-brown. There’s mold in the corner above the shower that has spread through a crack in the ceiling. You die as you lived: festering in your own filth.

Welcome to This Toilet Tuesday.


sarpanitum-608x632

Sarpanitum – Blessed Be My Brothers (Willowtip) [Blackened Brutal Death]
Stream

My pal Simon Phoenix has been talking Sarpanitum up for quite some time, so I would have been a fool to not jump on this stream. In case you haven’t paid attention to the criminal mastermind’s words of wisdom, listen up. Blessed Be My Brothers slays. This death metal tour de force has everything you brutal folks crave. Twisting riffs bend around tireless drum tattoos to create an unrelenting assault. Willowtip consistently releases some of the best albums around, and Blessed Be My Brothers is no exception. FFO: Nile, Mithras, Immolation (W.)


which swamp

Swamp Witch – The Slithering Bog (Transylvanian Tapes) [Filthy Sludge]
Stream

Sometimes an album title tells you exactly what to expect. Sometimes a band’s name fits just so perfectly. The Slithering Blog by Swamp Witch is a perfect example of the former by a perfect example of the latter. Mud-caked riffs seethe and boil while the reptilian vocals bellow and moan. This is slow and nasty and reeks of decay. Y’all are going to dig it. FFO: Thou, Indian, The Atlas Moth (W.)


aktor

Aktor – Paranoia (Independent) [Heavy Metal]
Listen to “Too Young to Die,” “Six Silver Suns”

People from Dawnbringer and the mighty Circle come together for an AOR-feast, slathered in pro-like flourishes and psych tinges over galloping rhythms. Come, have a beer with me and we’ll jam the night away. (Karhu)


butt cleanliness

Rectal Hygienics – Ultimate Purity (Permanent Records) [Noise/Sludge]
Listen

I have to thank my main herpaderp, Jedward, for putting me on this. ‘Tis some goddamn noisy and tasty Punk/Sludge, heavy as hell and thrice as violent. Rectal Hygienics are are thoroughly disgusting, their guitars drenched in feedback and condition too drunk to not slip into doomier territories.  If you, for a fleeting moment have found yourself enjoying flopping bass and pounding drums beneath something that resembles an abrasive wall of noise rather  than an actual riff, then I sincerely recommend you take note of this band. “Grandeur” is hardly their best song, but enough to keep me confident about Ultimate PurityFFO: Brainbombs, Drunks With Guns, Drunks With Guns (The Band). (Karhu)


udyr

Ensiferum – One Man Army (Metal Blade) [Folk Metal]
Listen to “One Man Army,” “Heathen Horde,” “Cry for the Earth Bounds”

Rejoice, fellow warriors, for Ensiferum have returned! For many, Unsung Heroes was a bit of a letdown. I am glad to report that One Man Army does not disappoint. Everything is bigger on this album; from the increased emphasis on and complexity of the strings parts to the booming choir, their sound is more cinematic than ever before. Of particular note is the track “Cry for the Earth Bounds,” which sounds unlike anything they’ve done before. It’s an excellent return to form that explores some new ground. Jam it! (Spear)


deivos

Deivos – Theodicy (Selfmadegod) [Death Metal]
Stream

Deivos are badass. Not only are they badass, but they manage to incorporate a cowbell into their music while still staying badass. Furious drumming, blistering lightning fast solos and a bit of groove are what you’re gonna get on the Deivos’s newest offering. Don’t sleep on this band you guys. This shit is nuts. (Jack Bauer)


PMHIWTHI

Primitive Man – Home is Where the Hatred Is (Relapse Records) [Noise/Black/Doom]
Listen to “Loathe”

What could I possibly say about Primitive Man at this point that hasn’t been covered? You either adore their brand of slowly heart crushing noisy doom or you can’t stand it. If you fall into the latter camp, Home is Where the Hatred Is isn’t going to do anything to win you over. It’s exactly what you expect from Primitive Man: A filth covered slab of hatred and feedback. Of course, this also means that is freaking GOOD. Now go forth, Children of the Bowl, and give in to the depravity. (Leif Bearikson)


36 Crazyfists – Time and Trauma (Spinefarm) [Metalcore]
Listen to “Also Am I”

Aethyr – Corpus (Cimmerian Shade) [Black/Doom]
Listen to “Cvlt”

Ancient Rites – Laguz (Massacre Records) [Symphonic Death Metal]
Listen to “Carthago Delenda Est”

Atten Ash – The Hourglass (Hypnotic Dirge) [Death/Doom]
Listen to “City in the Sea”

Barbarity – Crush of Hypocritical Morality (Coyote Records) [Death/Grind]

Barshasketh/Void Ritual – Barhsasketh/Void Ritual (Broken Limbs) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Heaven’s Gate” (Void Ritual)

Brothers of the Sonic Cloth – Brothers of the Sonic Cloth (Neurotic Records) [Sludge]
Listen to “Lava”

Burst Bowel – Repelled Gift (Coyote Records) [Brutal Death]

Burweed – Hide (Inverse Records) [Post-Metal]
Listen to “Lie”

Citizen X – Satanation (Wolfsblood Productions) [Death Metal]
Stream

Cruenta Lacrymis – Sweetness and Blasphemy (Metal Scrap) [Black Metal]
Stream

Crypt Jaintor – You Come to Us! (Destroy the Humanity) [Stoner/Doom]
Stream

Culto Profano/Naberus666 – 666 (split- Mecctesco) [Black Metal]

Dying Gorgeous Lies – First World Breakdown (Massacre Records) [Melodic/Thrash]
Listen to “First World Breakdown”

Ecnephias – Ecnephias (My Kingdom Music) [Gothic Metal]
Listen to “Vipra Negra (Black Tantric Sexuality)”

Erazor – Dust Monuments (Evil Spell Records) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Dust Monuments”

Ethereal Shroud – They Became the Falling Ash (Grimoire Cassette Cvlture) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Desperation Hymn”

Fetid Zombie – Grotesque Creation (Iron Bonehead/Bowel of Noise) [Death/Thrash]
Stream

Furor Gallico – Songs from the Earth (Scarlet Records) [Folk Metal]
Preview

Gian – All Life Erased (Inverse Records) [Melodeath]
Stream

Grey Wolf – We Are Metalheads (Independent) [Heavy Metal]
Listen to “Die by the Steel”

Harrow – Fallow Fields (Independent) [Black/Folk Metal]
Listen to “Through the Grey”

The Haunting Presence – 2015 MLP (Hell’s Headbangers) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Arsenic for this Pathetic Existence”

Hybrid Nightmares – The First Age (Independent) [Melodeath]
Stream

Keep of Kalessin – Epistemology (Indie Recordings) [Epic Black Metal]
Stream

Lapis Lazuli – The Downfall of Humanity (Independent) [Symphonic Metal]
Listen to “The Downfall”

Lord Fist – Green Eyleen (Ektro/Full Contact Records) [Heavy/Power Metal]
Listen to “Green Eyleen”

Medieval Art – The Era of Chaos pt. IV (Depressive Illusions) [Unreasonably Raw Black Metal]
Listen to “Forgotten Era”

Merciless Death – Taken Beyond (Independent) [Thrash]
Listen to “Oath of Revenge”

Murtad – Extirpate the Remaining Breath (Necrology Records) [Brutal Death]
Preview

Necrowretch – With Serpents Scourge (Century Media) [Black Thrash]
Listen to “Feast Off Their Doom”

Nightland – Obsession (Independent) [Symphonic Death Metal]
Listen to “Icarus”

Nunslaughter/The Lurking Corpses – Nunslaughter/The Lurking Corpses (split – Hell’s Headbangers) [Black Metal]

Poynte – Discreet Enemy (THC Music) [Hard Rock]
Listen to “Take Control”

Rotten Light – II: A Way of Life that you Can’t Understand (Independent) [lolbuttz]
Stream

Recueil Morbide – Morbid Collection (Great Dane Records) [Brutal Death]
Stream

Salythia – Death D’core (Dead Inside) [Melodeath]
Preview

Samara – Whispers of the Undying (Independent) [Doom]
Stream

Saturn Form Essence/Spira – Astral (Depressive Illusions) [Ambient/Drone/Black Metal]

Secret Rule – Transposed Emotions (Rocksector Records) [Melodic Metal]
Listen to “I Don’t Wanna Be”

Sixpounder Teratoma/Rectal Smegma/Pussy Torpedo – 69% of Porngrind (split- Coyote Records) [Brutal Death/Grind]
Listen to “Suffocation by an Umbilical Cord of the Decaying Baby” (ST)

Solium Fatalis – The Undying Season (Galy Records) [Death Metal]
Listen to “Corruptor”

Stick to Your Guns – Disobedient (Sumerian Records) [Hardcore]
Listen to “RMA”

Stillbirth – Global Error (Rising Nemesis) [Brutal Death]
Stream

Somnia – Shadows (Independent) [Power Prog]
Stream

Svartsot – Vaeldet (Nail Records) [Folk Metal]*
Listen to “Kilden – I Marker og i Lunde”

Syn Ze Sase Tri – Stapin Peste Stapini (Code666) [Symphonic Black Metal]*
Listen to “Stapin Peste Stapini”

Triumph, Genus – Jine se dnes ma mymi svety rozlehat (Hexencave Productions) [Black Metal]*
Listen to “Na Nejhlubsich Lidkych Dnech”

Vardan – The Night, The Loneliness (Moribund Recordings) [DSBM]
Stream

Vargsheim – Traume der Schlaflosen (MDD Recordings) [Black Metal]*
Listen to “Finning”

Whyzdom – Symphony for a Hopeless God (Scarlet Records) [Symphonic Metal]
Listen to “While the Witches Burn”

Did we forget a new release? Is there a way we could improve this list? Let us know in the comments below!

(Photos VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, and VIA)

  • Dagon

    I forgot Swamp Witch was dropping this year. I liked the few tracks I heard before this date… shit looks promising.

    Also, Aktor >>>>>>>>>>
    Sarpanitum >>>>>>>>>
    Primitive Man >>>>>>>>>

    Fuck me

    • Edward/Breegrodamus

      I get to finally download the Primitive Man EP I preordered today after work.

      Also, Nordling, glad you’re into Rectal Hygeinics now.

      http://m.memegen.com/qpd19t.jpg

      • Dagon

        This song >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Even the cheesy goodyear blimp line is hip hop gold. This is probably one of the ultimate driving songs for late night rides.

      • Tyree

        AWWW! We should listen to it to gether. We could press play at the same time and live tweet about it. OMG!!! It would be so fucking adorable.

        • Edward/Breegrodamus

          I haven’t been on Twitter in some time, but I did make one awhile back. Wonder what my login is. Live tweets on Home Is Where The Hatred Is? Lol

          I’m also planning on watching Better Call Saul after work today.

          • Tyree

            Twitter is not for me, although I have an account. I have not used it for months. No need for it honestly.

          • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

            I didn’t use twitter for a long time, now I just go there to retweet ToH

          • KJM

            It would seem I’m the only one here who uses Twitter on the regular. I find it far less annoying than FB.

          • Our Facebook group is definitely the most annoying thing on the site.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            You love us there.

          • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

            I started on it later than FB and I don’t post that much over at FB, got nothing to do over at Twitter.

          • Lacertilian

            I used to use it when I deactivated my real FB acc.
            Now I kinda just read shit on there, can’t be fucked arguing.

          • KJM

            I post music, movie, and pro wrestling stuff mostly. I don’t get into debates with anybody unless it’s for fun.

          • Lacertilian

            I’ve found that most people on there only wanna debate maths.
            (Bad joke warning)

          • Tyree

            I did watch the second episode finally. That was intense!

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Yeah, it was bomb. I’m expecting the third to be sweet.

  • Edward/Breegrodamus

    Most br00tal introduction yet. Yeesh.

    • I really hope people don’t skip the intros and go straight to the releases because Spear has just been getting better with each week. This one was nasty.

      • Edward/Breegrodamus

        Yeah, ban non-readers… along with Ayn Rand?

        This one was a little disturbing.

        • #banrandall Jim

          OH WAH AH AH AH

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            GUACAMOLE DRAIMAN

      • Dagon

        It’s fire. Spear makes me love fucking Tuesdays, and nothing good ever happened on a Tuesday. Until this.

      • They’ve been getting increasingly dark and violent. Someone should check on him. To make sure he can keep this up.

        • eeeeeeewwwwwwww your new username eeeeeeewwwwwwww

          • give me tendies.

          • Apparently some truth lies in my jokes about Texans being inbred.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            No. I will not give you tendies!

          • VVayne Brady

            Obviously you haven’t earned your GBPs.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            What are these GBPs? I don’t use them.

          • VVayne Brady

            Good Boy Points. Have you been a bad floor tech?

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I don’t follow that system. I use CRP. They are Classic Rock Points.

          • ooh i like where this is going. you should create a finite amount of CRP’s and dole them out when applicable. then we shall trade them back and forth — but they can’t be bought or sold, only portioned out by the cosmos…

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            There is a finite amount.

          • Do you use them to buy the disappointment of your fellow man?

          • #banrandall Jim

            Everything about this article, from the intro to this conversation, is making me cringe.

          • If you can please daddy I’ll give you 50 Good boy points how’s that sound mmhmm that’s a good boy yes mmhmm

          • God this whole thing is so gross. I’m changing my name back.

          • If you quit daddy won’t give you any good boy points and you won’t get any chicken tendies!

          • BAN DADDY THOR.

          • Keep it up and you’ll be getting the belt spankies

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Please do so. Randall is scaring me.

          • Gluteus_Maximus_Rage

            My reaction to your reaction…
            https://i.imgflip.com/hsfgj.gif

          • Tyree

            What in the actual fuck!?!

          • I can only do about shree-fiddy.

          • KJM

            Damned Loch Ness monster!

          • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

            Your’s is making me Rand-y.

        • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

          Joe plz!

  • Dagon

    If you make it to the hospital though, it goes like this
    1) Stabilize hemodynamics with IV fluids, don’t trust Hb/Ht measurements in the first 48 hours
    2) Find the source and treat the bleeding -> Rectal Exam/Endoscopy/Colonoscopy
    3) Prevent complications

  • Tyree
    • VVayne Brady

      Your boy Ethan Lee McCarthy liked our post.

      • Tyree

        He seems like a very appreciative kind of guy.

        • more beer

          I was talking to him a few months ago when I saw them.He was very cool.

          • Tyree

            Awesome! Yeah, he seems like a big friendly teddy bear in person.

          • more beer

            That pretty much sums it up.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Interesting how dudes that make the most vile music are so friendly and likeable in real life, lol

          • Tyree

            He smokes a lot of weed too. Hahaha! I think that contributes a bit as well.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            I follow him on some social media thing and he does post pictures of him smoking and the KBs.

          • more beer

            People who don`t smoke a lot of weed are the minority in Colorado.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Probably because they don’t bottle their shit up.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Catharsis through music, right on.

    • Dagon
      • Tyree

        That would make me very claustrophobic.

    • Ferris Mueller

      That Primitive Man cover art is badass

  • VVayne Brady

    Man, I got hemorrhoids last year. This brought back the horror of finding blood on the tp.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus

      Shit is getting real up in here today.

    • Dagon

      That’s a bitch. Can I give you advice, for the future? Never await your medical student’s son return home to ask him to manually reduce your prolapsing hemorrhoid. Please, go to your doctor.

      • Edward/Breegrodamus

        Uh, seems like sound advice to me.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        My mrs gets them. I offer to push them back in with my pen is. Please tell me that works so she won’t reject my offers anymore.

        • Dagon

          I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. I do see why she wouldn’t want it lol

    • Tyree

      Constipation is a bitch.

    • Lord Ov Kapsko

      Try shitting in a full sqvat stance. It may souvd and feel dvmb, but it actvally let’s you take a shit withovt pvshing the tvrd, and itmeans without any pressvre applied on your rectvm, decreasing the danger ov hemoroid reclemation.

  • RustyShackleford

    Why did I read that intro while eating breakfast….

  • Dagon
  • Tyree

    Looking forward to listening to that filthy Rectal Hygienics release. Nasty!

    • Hopefully while performing rectal hygienics. A dirty bhole is the devil’s playground.

      • Tyree

        One can only hope.

    • Dagon

      It’s like a less screamy Couch Slut with a dude doing vox. You can hear similar alternative rock influences, but fuzzed the fuck out.

      • Tyree

        I’ve heard their previous shit before and liked it so I’m definitely looking forward to this. Very Eyehategod sounding.

  • KJM

    Samara iz gud.

  • KJM

    “Ban Ayn Rand”

    I’m KJM and I approve this message.

  • Tyree

    I remember checking out a new Swamp Witch song a while back and really diggin it. Damn! A lot of shit to listen to here.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    That is a brutal introduction. I’m never using a toilet again.

    http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Terminator-Smile.gif

  • HessianHunter

    “Rotten Light”? How the hell does light rot? Do bands even know what the word “rotten” means anymore or do they just think it’s some kind of punctuation mark?

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Aktor sounds right up my alley.

    • DoYouThinkHeSaurus

      I’ll tell you what, why don’t you come down, just the pair of ya, for the weekend? I’d love to have the opinion of a paleobotanist as well, I’ve got a jet standing by at Choteau.

  • BASEDBEARD

    Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

    Swamp Witch >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    • I’m inclined to agree. The only it’s missing is field recordings.

  • MFW reading the intro: http://replygif.net/i/903.gif

    • Spear somehow tops himself every week. I don’t know where he’ll be able to go from here, though.

      • Has he even done food poisoning vomit-shitting yet?

        • Spear

          I did awhile ago, but I could certainly revisit that territory.

          • yeah I was about to say, that is easily 6 months of posting right there

      • Spear

        I have a few ideas.

        • #banrandall Jim

          Are the intros based on real life experience?

          • Spear

            Yeah, I actually just shit out my intestines and died last Saturday.

          • oh no! are you better?

          • #banrandall Jim

            Sweet.

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    Listen to your shoe dodging former president people. Blessed be My Brothers is AOTY material.

    Also, new Merciless Death. Wooooooo.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus

      I’m gonna check that shit out.

    • Gonna grab that Sarpanitum when I get off work today. BYAH!

  • is Nunslaughter dabbling in black metal? wholly crap that would be ferocious!

  • Necrowretch’s last album was a slaughter, do not miss this new one! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZXjp30gn7k

  • D. Lee

    I couldn’t even make it through the intro. I’m I’m tears from laughing :’)

  • D. Lee

    The debut album from Sumac came out today too!

  • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

    The Haunting Presence is an excellent choice of Black Metal more akin to Devouring Star than Mayhem.

    https://hellsheadbangers.bandcamp.com/album/2015-mlp

    • Tyree

      THANK YOU!!!! Materlord and I have been talking about this band. I’m getting this shit, although it still says Pre-order?????

      • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

        Slow updating? I mean, it’s supposed to be out today, according to Bandcamp.

      • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

        And BTW, I don’t think Devouring Star was that guy I thought him to be after all.

  • NefariousDude

    Didn’t read the introduction but now I’m too scared to.

  • Yikes!

  • I picked up Trample the Weak, Hurdle the Dead by Skinless and IV.I.VIII by Coffinworm with an iTunes gift card I got from work. High five!

  • It’s Ensiferum time!

    • Nordling Rites ov BDSM

      Two of Spades is… well, you’ll see. DISCO!!!

  • Dagon

    The Samara release is awesome. Chilling acoustic guitars perfectly mixed with unusual instrumentation, middle eastern influences and that doomy doom you know I gots to fuck with.

    Think Nile/Melechesh playing doom metal with a woman handling vocal duties.

    • KJM

      Agreed. It’s my pick for this week.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    Ah 36 Crazyfists, I remember when they were my favorite band from like 8th and 9th grade. I still like “A Snow Capped Romance”. One of the more interesting metalcore records from the time.

    PS: What went wrong in my life where my favorite band went from something positive and uplifting into something pitch black and depressing as Terra Tenebrosa? lol

  • I’m not feeling anything this week but that’s OK I’m still enjoying Call of The Void and Retox from last week.

    • HessianHunter

      Call of the Void rules, as does Retox

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I am quite appreciative of Ageless

  • Stockhausen

    I am very uncomfortable right now.

  • Sarpanitum is an early AOTY contender

    • Lacertilian

      I’m glad I persevered through that intro track, old me would have just heard the first 2mins and given up.
      It’s pretty good after that though..

  • OldMetalHead

    It’s nice when the first day of the work week is Toilet Tuesday!

  • JWG

    Listening to the rest of Fallow Fields this morning, since I wasn’t up at midnight when the link to fulfill pre-orders was sent out. It is, indeed, as good as I expected it would be.

  • tertius_decimus

    Disappointments thus far: Solefald, Ensiferum.

  • I’M ON VACATION!

    Crypt Jaintor surprised me. Supremely catchy riffs.

  • Virgil the Ghost Poet

    Unreasonably raw black metal! Hahahaha! No I did not listen to that. I do not listen to anything unreasonable! Also Swamp Witch!

  • CT-12

    Yo, just wanted to throw in that Void Ritual released a split today with Barshasketh, don’t have time to check it out but if it’s anything like “Holodomor”, it’s gonna be some hateful shit. Good black metal, check er out https://voidritual.bandcamp.com/album/split-w-barshasketh