These Kerrang! Awards Nominations Make Me Want To Vomit In Terror

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Let’s ruin yet another meaningless online poll.

UK-based rock/metal magazine Kerrang! (emphasis them, not me) has released the list of nominees for their annual awards, and boy are they something else. Kerrang! got their start back in 1981, initially focusing on hard rock and New Wave Of British heavy metal acts. As time wore on and trends changed, the magazine started to focus on both thrash and hair metal bands. When those genres lost main stream appeal, Kablammo! magazine switched to grunge and then nu-metal. In recent years, the music magazine has settled on a mixture of emo, pop punk, and metalcore.

Really, that’s all just a roundabout way to say that Shebang! reports on what’s popular in rock music. That’s fine. Print is dying so you might as well appeal to the kids in any way possible what with their Snapchats and sexting and Four Lokos. What better way to distract the youths (and stangry man-toddlers that want to argue on the internet) than with voting for vogue awards? Let’s take a look at what the fine folks and Kerplop! Magazine have chosen for us, the consumer, to vote on.

kerrangbesteventEhhhh. I supposed Gun N’ Roses having reunion shows is the “biggest” event on this list, though I don’t know if that counts as best. I’d venture to say that not too many teens will pick that one. Isn’t 5 Seconds Of Summer a pop rock band? You know what, I don’t want to know. That knowledge may haunt me forever. Slipknot are (or were) known to put on crazy live shows (HE HITS A KEG CAN WITH A BASEBALL BAT!). I don’t know who You Me At Six are, but doing a benefit for The Ghost Inside gets them a solid check plus. Biffy Clyro is that band that always appears on fests somehow despite me never hearing anyone talking about them or claiming to like them. They’re like one of those “can’t miss, gunna be yuuuge” bands that have been around for 10+ years.

kerrangbritishnewcomer

As a big, dumb American I can happily say that I don’t know any of these bands. Your guess is as good as mine. Can one of our UK readers tell us about these bands? I will say that it feels weird to see a band named “Creeper” so close to a band named “Muncie Girls.” I’m just picturing a lot of heavy breathing and Catholic schoolgirl uniforms. Good thing we have Milk Teeth serving as a yucky buffer. Also, Yucky Buffer is a great band name. Feel free to use it.

kerranginternationalAgain, here is another list full of bands that I’ve never heard of, so they may or may not actually exist. This one is all about rhyming or the letter B. Use that knowledge however you may. Scream it when you walk down the street while wearing orange slices over you eyes and a Make America Great Again hat over your genitals. The list once again puts two band names together that sound inappropriate: Beautiful Bodies and Biters. Jeez, Kerotch! Magazine. Was this sponsored by a “specialty” adult website?

kerrangbesttrack

You’re on your own with this one, but I’d give it to Architects. Just know that this is the promo photo that All Time Low used to use (sorta NSFW/Not Safe For Eyes warning).

kerrangbestliveband

Babymetal wins. Go on, click the link. You know you want to. What’s wrong, McFly? Chicken? Okay, fine. You don’t have to click on it. You can just skip down to the comments section to complain. In the meantime, feel free to listen to the brand new collaboration between Mgla and Grave Miasma.

kerrangbestalbum
Now this is actually an interesting category, and it’s not because of Asking Alexandria, Neck Deep, and No Devotion. Sound off in the comments section if Iron Maiden – The Books Of Souls or Baroness – Purple was the better album. Or pick Asking Alexandria, I’m not your boss.

kerrangbestintband

Everything about this is funny.

kerrangbestbritishband

Again with the Biffy Clyro. Face it, UK. Stop trying to make Biffy Clyro happen. This one should be a no-brainer. There are a few Enter Shikari fans out there, though.

kerrangbestfanbase

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

kerrangbestmovieshow

Everyone should pick Minions and see if the universe implodes on itself. As for Best TV Show, aren’t 3 of those Netflix exclusives? Do they show them on television in the UK or is this whole thing just a false flag perpetuated by the Queen and network executives? How far does this thing go? We’ll have to get sentient hemorrhoid Alex Jones on the case.

kerrangtweeter

Speaking of bloody bowels, how is Donald Trump not on the list of Tweeter Of The Year? His descent into gibbering madness and rhinoshit crazy tirades in 140 characters or less is at least worth a nomination. I don’t know what the singer from Paramore or the guy from Blink-182 that didn’t go cracker jacks over aliens have to tweet about, but it can’t be all that amazing. If anything, you should choose (and follow) the Toilet Ov Hell twitter account. All the cool kids are doing it. You want to be cool, don’t you? Yeah, you do.

Let your voice be heard and vote here. The world must know about your love of the Minions movie.

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