These Kerrang! Awards Nominations Make Me Want To Vomit In Terror

Let’s ruin yet another meaningless online poll.

UK-based rock/metal magazine Kerrang! (emphasis them, not me) has released the list of nominees for their annual awards, and boy are they something else. Kerrang! got their start back in 1981, initially focusing on hard rock and New Wave Of British heavy metal acts. As time wore on and trends changed, the magazine started to focus on both thrash and hair metal bands. When those genres lost main stream appeal, Kablammo! magazine switched to grunge and then nu-metal. In recent years, the music magazine has settled on a mixture of emo, pop punk, and metalcore.

Really, that’s all just a roundabout way to say that Shebang! reports on what’s popular in rock music. That’s fine. Print is dying so you might as well appeal to the kids in any way possible what with their Snapchats and sexting and Four Lokos. What better way to distract the youths (and stangry man-toddlers that want to argue on the internet) than with voting for vogue awards? Let’s take a look at what the fine folks and Kerplop! Magazine have chosen for us, the consumer, to vote on.

kerrangbesteventEhhhh. I supposed Gun N’ Roses having reunion shows is the “biggest” event on this list, though I don’t know if that counts as best. I’d venture to say that not too many teens will pick that one. Isn’t 5 Seconds Of Summer a pop rock band? You know what, I don’t want to know. That knowledge may haunt me forever. Slipknot are (or were) known to put on crazy live shows (HE HITS A KEG CAN WITH A BASEBALL BAT!). I don’t know who You Me At Six are, but doing a benefit for The Ghost Inside gets them a solid check plus. Biffy Clyro is that band that always appears on fests somehow despite me never hearing anyone talking about them or claiming to like them. They’re like one of those “can’t miss, gunna be yuuuge” bands that have been around for 10+ years.

kerrangbritishnewcomer

As a big, dumb American I can happily say that I don’t know any of these bands. Your guess is as good as mine. Can one of our UK readers tell us about these bands? I will say that it feels weird to see a band named “Creeper” so close to a band named “Muncie Girls.” I’m just picturing a lot of heavy breathing and Catholic schoolgirl uniforms. Good thing we have Milk Teeth serving as a yucky buffer. Also, Yucky Buffer is a great band name. Feel free to use it.

kerranginternationalAgain, here is another list full of bands that I’ve never heard of, so they may or may not actually exist. This one is all about rhyming or the letter B. Use that knowledge however you may. Scream it when you walk down the street while wearing orange slices over you eyes and a Make America Great Again hat over your genitals. The list once again puts two band names together that sound inappropriate: Beautiful Bodies and Biters. Jeez, Kerotch! Magazine. Was this sponsored by a “specialty” adult website?

kerrangbesttrack

You’re on your own with this one, but I’d give it to Architects. Just know that this is the promo photo that All Time Low used to use (sorta NSFW/Not Safe For Eyes warning).

kerrangbestliveband

Babymetal wins. Go on, click the link. You know you want to. What’s wrong, McFly? Chicken? Okay, fine. You don’t have to click on it. You can just skip down to the comments section to complain. In the meantime, feel free to listen to the brand new collaboration between Mgla and Grave Miasma.

kerrangbestalbum
Now this is actually an interesting category, and it’s not because of Asking Alexandria, Neck Deep, and No Devotion. Sound off in the comments section if Iron Maiden – The Books Of Souls or Baroness – Purple was the better album. Or pick Asking Alexandria, I’m not your boss.

kerrangbestintband

Everything about this is funny.

kerrangbestbritishband

Again with the Biffy Clyro. Face it, UK. Stop trying to make Biffy Clyro happen. This one should be a no-brainer. There are a few Enter Shikari fans out there, though.

kerrangbestfanbase

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

kerrangbestmovieshow

Everyone should pick Minions and see if the universe implodes on itself. As for Best TV Show, aren’t 3 of those Netflix exclusives? Do they show them on television in the UK or is this whole thing just a false flag perpetuated by the Queen and network executives? How far does this thing go? We’ll have to get sentient hemorrhoid Alex Jones on the case.

kerrangtweeter

Speaking of bloody bowels, how is Donald Trump not on the list of Tweeter Of The Year? His descent into gibbering madness and rhinoshit crazy tirades in 140 characters or less is at least worth a nomination. I don’t know what the singer from Paramore or the guy from Blink-182 that didn’t go cracker jacks over aliens have to tweet about, but it can’t be all that amazing. If anything, you should choose (and follow) the Toilet Ov Hell twitter account. All the cool kids are doing it. You want to be cool, don’t you? Yeah, you do.

Let your voice be heard and vote here. The world must know about your love of the Minions movie.

Written by:

Published on: May 23, 2016

Filled Under: Not Metal

Views: 1219

Tags: , , , , , ,

  • Lacertilian

    Best alternate Kerrang! – Presented by 365
    – Kablammo!
    – Shebang!
    – Kerplop!
    – Kerotch!
    – Panic! At The Clyro

    My vote goes to Kerplop!

  • Dubs

    My take-way from this is that I’m out of touch with what the youts like and with what’s going on in rock music.

    • Eliza

      That’s what I got of this as well. Not that I will ever listen to any of these bands, the names sort of throw me off.

    • Also that people are still trying to make Biffy Clyro a thing. Stop trying to make Biffy Clyro happen. It’s not going to happen.

      • Dubs

        I literally know nothing about Biffy Clyro.

        • Beef-Witted Mother Shabubu

          It’s a clyro that is biffy. Whatever that means.

      • ME GORAK B.C.™
      • EsusMoose

        I feel for a rock band whose members are 36 years old they’d be either more popular or would have stopped by now, but neither have happened

        • Dubs

          I mean, Anvil is still trucking along, hoping to make it big.

          • EsusMoose

            Anvil also disappeared for a good decade or two

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            But they kept pushing out albums all the time

          • EsusMoose

            Disappeared is definitely the wrong word but there seemed a lack of public interest

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Yeah, but was there ever? Before the documentary? For over 10 minutes?

          • Dubs

            This is my point.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Your point is what I attempted to replicate, right below the point where you made your point.

          • Dubs

            *scratches behind ears*

          • EsusMoose

            Do bears enjoy their ears being scratched?

          • Dubs

            *scratches corgi behind ears*

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            & twas awesome….

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            If they dump the singer I think they have a shot….

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          Beats corporate cube life? Fast food, fast women, fast mini vans, tour Muricah?

      • Stupid image fail

      • Monkey D. Luffy, Pirate King

        The UK will never learn. Its like when we tried to make Robbie Williams a thing in America, they just won’t grab on to our awesome shit.

    • I thought rock was over taken by shitty hip-hop. I just considered it dead.

    • Beef-Witted Mother Shabubu

      According to some, metal is dying. So that explains it.

      • Dubs

        Oh yah. Ghost save us.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Ghost needs to save us.

    • Sir Tapir The Based
  • BARONESS! We should just spin this song over and over and over and over alllllll daaaaayy long.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hS5osAdTnm0

  • How in the ever-loving fuck is “Best Fanbase” even a goddamn category? Fucking kids these days…

    • I felt embarrassed just reading the category name.

    • Eliza

      What do they even judge what the “best fanbase” is on?

      • EsusMoose

        Whose fans has the least annoying online presence

        • Eliza

          Don’t know about the others, but Gerard Way fan(girls) are creepily obsessive.

    • Beef-Witted Mother Shabubu

      Music is a team sport now.

      • Dubs

        The Toilet has the worst Fanbase. You people are monsters.

        • Beef-Witted Mother Shabubu

          We’re like a pool of piranha. Sit there calmly and we’ll swim around and go about our merry day. Move or splash and we’ll devour you in seconds.

          • brokensnow

            This.

        • I believe we’re actually Turds.

          • Beef-Witted Mother Shabubu

            Beef-witted applejohns.

            PS: I fucking love that insult on the level of 12 Bricks.

    • JWEG

      About the same logic went into the newly re-branded “iHeartRadio” MuchMusic Video Awards latest category:

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2016_iHeartRadio_Much_Music_Video_Awards#Fan_Fave_Vine_Musician

      Yes. (Basement-)Bedroom “musicians” can get awards now for being solely internet celebrities, and for 6-second-long riff clips.

    • Ayreonaut

      And how did slayer not win

  • ME GORAK B.C.™
  • Hubert

    Pretty sure Counterfeit is a Limp Bizkit tribute band, might be another band called that though.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    I can guarantee you no one has heard of those British newcomers.

  • Eliza

    For anyone who’s wondering, 5 Seconds of Summer are a band that’s a bit edgier than One Direction, but still all around inoffensive, who pretends to be punk, even though their sound is far from that. “How do you know this?” you may ask, suspicious of whetether I secretly like them. “Well,” I would answer, ” I have female classmates”.

    • Pentagram Sam

      This makes me wonder… Here in the US, lately it seems that describing something as “punk” really means pop punk teenage girl stuff.

      To me punk ranges from Pennywise to Bad Religion to Millencolin to NOFX to Misfits, Anti-Nowhere League. Stuff like that.

      Soooo, is this now “dad punk” and what goes as “punk” now teenage girl pop punk?

      I’m so confused.

      • brokensnow

        Niece punk

      • The Tetrachord of Archytas

        Dad punk! You should tm that

        Edit: this is the Internet I’m sure it’s a thing already somewhere

      • more beer

        No you aren’t. Anyone calling pop punk. Punk is the confused one. You have a firm grasp on what is punk and what isn’t.

      • Eliza

        That is the way things are nowadays. If I tried to talk to a 5 seconds of summer fan of punk bands like Black Flag, for example, they’d think that’s metal.

  • Someone needs to come along and rescue rock music. It’s just fallen down a deep dark pit.

    • That’s why we have That Metal Sh….. Oh wait.

    • EsusMoose
      • Beef-Witted Mother Shabubu

        Why is there a picture of Dave Grohl under a comment that says “save rock you say?”. This is a paradox.

        • EsusMoose

          Don’t you see that face? That’s the face of someone who wants to safely save rock n’ roll with radio hits, rock star lite personality, and appealing to those early 30’s dads who can’t get with those darn kids musics

          • “early 30’s dads” is hitting kinda close to home nowadays

            :/

          • EsusMoose

            Don’t worry, Dave Grohl will come to take you one day and it’ll all be alright because you’ll RAWK *cue Foo fighters song*

          • Beef-Witted Mother Shabubu

            He pulled a punch there. Could have easily said soccer moms.

          • brokensnow

            I dont have kids.

          • EsusMoose

            Dave Grohl will still find you

          • brokensnow

            I enjoy dave.

    • Monkey D. Luffy, Pirate King

      You mean like Fall Out Boy… oh wait, they’re not rock. Damn it.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    For a second I actually considered clicking that Grave Miasma/MGLA link before I smelled something fishy (and I’m not talking about the contents of Baldrick’s apple pie)
    Fcku.

    • I was like “huh I must have missed thi-MOTHERFUCK”

    • EsusMoose

      I watched it. I can only feel an enveloping blanket of grey and disappointment being laid upon my shoulders.

    • Seen a car driving down the highway last week that looked like someone ran into the side of it. A big “WHACK” was painted over the damage. Was psweet.

  • Beef-Witted Mother Shabubu
    • Now we’re talking.

      • Beef-Witted Mother Shabubu

        I’ve been waiting a month to find an appropriate use for this gif. It has found a purpose.

  • Monkey D. Luffy, Pirate King
    • Welcome back!

      • Monkey D. Luffy, Pirate King

        Thanks, fucking exams cutting into my toilet time.

        • Dave Vincent’s Perm

          I don’t have any exams for two weeks, but then I have A-level mechanics and A-level physics twice in two days. Fuck.

          • Special Agent Dale Cooper

            I’m in a similar boat, I finished my Sociology exam yesterday, and now have a 2 week wait for my other ones. Granted, Media and English aren’t Mechanics and Physics, but in quick succession they can still fuck you up.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Are you doing A-levels? I had C2 and history on the same day today.

          • Special Agent Dale Cooper

            Yeah, second year, although thanks to some terrible choices in my first year, the Sociology is only an AS, so I have to stay on another year in order to have some chance of going to University.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Could be worse, you could have got a U in biology and be forced to do a BTEC like my friend did.

          • Special Agent Dale Cooper

            I’ve known people who did something similar. Hell, a good friend of mine has to do a BTEC Science in addition to another A-Level. How fucked must that be.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            I just need to get a C in physics. Anything maths besides statistics I can do with my eyes closed but new spec physics fucks me up.

          • Special Agent Dale Cooper

            I’ve heard physics is shit from people who are actually good at science. Hell, one of the smartest people I know had to do a resit for physics, so it must be crap.

  • Eliza

    I just listened to a song from that Biffy Clyro band. They sound like a more upbeat Kings of Leon to me.

    • YOU SPEAK IN TONGUES.

    • EsusMoose

      They’ve always been a band that I like a small handful of songs but I don’t like any album of theirs.

      • Eliza

        If you’re talking about KoL, I know two or three songs by them and I mildly enjoy them.

        • EsusMoose

          I was talking about Biffy Clyro, I remember liking a few songs of KoL when they got really big for a year but haven’t touched them almost since that time

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      You’re probably the first person to have heard one of their songs.

      • Eliza

        Hopefully the last as well. Nobody should waste their precious time with that band.

      • Hubert

        A band that is really popular and not exactly what I would describe as “even remotely decent”.

        • double bass @0:54 was siqq

        • EsusMoose

          KoL go mathy. Without the silly vocals you could have passed it off as a mathcore or math rock band.

        • jesus

        • RJA

          holy shit! I don’t know what to say about this – it’s bad on purpose right?

      • has something to do with Snoop Dogg i think

      • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

        Shit on a stick.

  • maybe its just me but i read Kerrang! for the insightful commentary and socializing.

    oh, wait . . . wrong website

  • Count_Breznak

    Isn’t that just the list of 2006 where they replaced dead/splitup acts with random entries ?

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Call for 365 Days of Horror. I have John Ficcara on the phone he wants to do lunch.

    Help out an old dude with “stangry man-toddlers” …lol.

    • Coprolytic

      Stupid + angry…I had to look it up too.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Thank you!

  • Coprolytic

    Can’t decide if suicide or homicide is the appropriate response. I’ll go with homicide.

  • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

    LMFAO, Panic At The Disco is still a thing?
    And the award for most punchable face of the decade (as far as music goes, since Ted Cruz and Martin Schkreli, as well as everyone’s least favorite urine soaked circus peanut GOP nominee clinch the award overall) goes to:

    http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/4727952/panic-at-the-disco-sexiness-o.gif
    http://38.media.tumblr.com/74c26ef25a6bd3400c74de9e41696631/tumblr_n7572i3krO1ttu48fo1_r1_500.gif

    Panic At The Disco! Step on up and claim a good old fashioned punch to the balls, courtesy of Butterbean, folks!

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      KJU plz! My sister loves them!

      • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

        I’m guessing she’s no older than 14 then. How anyone past that age could like them is beyond me.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          She’s 21. She’s also my twin.

          • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

            Hopefully your taste in metal rubs off on her!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            That won’t ever happen.

          • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

            Who knows? Not a one of us went straight into death or black metal off the bat.

      • more beer

        That doesn’t change the fact that they need a punch in the face!

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Biffy Clyro are great, and a much loved long term fixture in UK indie rock. Not a better band than Iron Maiden of course.

  • Waynecro

    I have a callus on the middle joint of my middle finger. When I was lifting Saturday, I snagged that callus on the bar knurling and tore it off. Because it’s on the bendy part of my finger, the wound opens up whenever I move my hand. This perpetual injury is less annoying than the Kerrang! Award nominees.

    • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

      Gah!!!! I think I told you before, but the pinky on my right hand is practically useless after I severed a nerve years back. I can’t bend it from the second joint up. Could be worse, though. Could end up like Rahm Emanuel!

      http://chicagorants.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/rahm_emanuel.jpg

      • Waynecro

        When I was doing my weekly food prep on Sunday, I managed to get soy sauce and sriracha in the wound. That was a bummer.

        • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

          Pffffffffffft, be thankful it was that most blessed of sauces! Sriracha is my blood type! I always have a bottle of it in the cupboard, and it’s probably the only thing I got my roomies into foodwise (otherwise, my choices usually cause squirms and people jumping up on chairs).

          http://www.thatsnerdalicious.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/sriracha-iv.jpg

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    My sister is seeing All Time Low with Blink 182 and A Day To Remember. I have no clue who she enjoys that stuff so much.

  • Max

    Kinda funny how after all these years, even amongst a bunch of bands we’ve all mainly never heard of or at least wouldn’t touch with a barge pole, Iron Maiden are still featured as prominent nominees in some categories. The likes of Venom and Saxon are long forgotten, but Maiden’s still there.

    But that’s Kerrrang for ya, I guess. Perhaps they’re trying not to have a TOTAL identity crisis. The magazine was, after all, kinda set up to promote Iron Maiden in a way; what with them being the most prominent NWoBHM band.

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      Fuck kerrang and also metal hammer

  • Óðinn

    “Tweeter of the year” LOL. Fucking terrible.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    I don’t know about any of those uk newcomers, but then I’m also not a poser.