The Worst Metal Song Of All Time: The Flushable Four

As predicted, we got SUPERBRO vs. SUPERBRO and SWOOPYCUT vs. SWOOPYCUT. These are matchups that the demons in the deepest circles of hell dream about.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The category of “good bands that made terrible songs” is gone. Morbid Angel clung to life for as long as it could but was finally ousted by a band incapable of making one good song. We are left with the purest, most pungent garbage metal of all time. I honestly have no idea how to justify any of the remaining votes, but let us know how you do!

Which Song Is Worse?


This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 22-02-2017 00:00:00
end_date 25-02-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Which Song Is Worse?


Worst Song 5

  • KyleJMcBride

    No matter who “wins”, we all lose. VOTE!

    • James

      This sounds familiar….

      • KyleJMcBride

        Basically every Presidential election in modern history. Last year was just an extreme example.

  • Rick Chard

    A little bit of sunshine
    A little bit of booze
    A little bit of me
    And a little bit of you

  • It is literally impossible to choose between Hellyeah and FFDP. LITERALLY.

    • AndySynn

      I flipped a coin but it somehow became frozen in mid-air, refusing to come down and confirm either option.

    • Spear

      At least FFDP can form complete sentences.

      • For two weeks I’ve had that garbage opening verse in my head. Except I always hear it, “Did you hear the one about me bein’ a cuck”

    • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

      They are literally the same band. I’m sure of it.

    • pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico

      I went Hellyeah because “Alcohaulin’ Ass” is the worst song title ever.

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      I’d definitely take cancer over AIDS.

      -Boe William Bielski, in reply to Amish Rapist • 16 days ago

      • Guacamole Jim

        I’m more concerned about the name “Amish Rapist” than I am about the rest of this comment.

        • NDG

          Yes, this name presents many connotations.

    • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse

      I gotta go with Hellyeah, simply because even though the category of “good bands that made terrible songs” is gone, we still have the category of “good musicians that used to be in good bands that made terrible songs”.

      Motograter as the FFDP guy’s old band is debatable, but to have musicians who played on L.D. 50, (quality debatable – musicianship definitely not) Cowboys From Hell, and Far Beyond Driven to their current state definitely gives Hellyeah more flushability to yours truly.

  • Rain Poncho W.

    I keep trying to flush Attack Attack, but I’m getting an error! Methinks the Stick is in bed with the scenie weenies.

    • Joaquin Stick

      Dad-a-chum? Dum-a-chum? Ded-a-chek? Did-a-chick?

      • Rain Poncho W.

        The Stick is a pain, and that is the truth.

      • KyleJMcBride

        Best offhand Stephen King reference ever.

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      My favrite bands are Black Veil Brides, Attack Attack, and Rush

      – TheMrZDMan, 7 months ago

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        One of those bands is not like the others.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Same, it’s not accepting my flush

  • “Design the Skyline” is probably the worst verb-the-noun band name I’ve yet heard. If there are worse ones, post them here please!

    • Spear

      Protest the Hero

      • Yeah, that one is pretty cringe-y. But I like some of their tunes.

        • Joaquin Stick

          They were like 12 when they made the name, I’ll give it a pass.

          • pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico

            Design the Skyline couldn’t be older than 16, so you have to uphold that standard here.

          • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

            their fan base isnt just 12 year olds. Its teens as well.

            -beccalynn, 9 months ago

          • Eh, Decapitated wasn’t much older when they formed.

          • HessianHunter

            Yeah but they were 13 back when there were still good band names to go around. By the time PTH got there, every good name was gone. I don’t even want to know what trend heavy bands of the 2020s will have to resort to. adverb-gerund-adverb?

        • Spear

          Oh yeah, I love their music, but the name is just dumb.

    • Welcome the Coroner.
      “Hey coroner, how’s it goin’?”

      • pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico

        “How’s your hammer hangin’, Coroner?”

      • CyberneticOrganism

        “Everyone please welcome our new coroner! He’s recently moved to town to manage our little business here and has over thirty years experience! Isn’t that great, yeah? Anyway we’ll be taking a long lunch to celebrate his first day so feel free to join us at Marcetti’s at Noon.”

      • Dumpster Lung

        Especially because the Coroner is there to check shit out after the person’s dead. It’s not like you’re welcoming death itself, or whatever they were probably going for with that title. The action’s over (for the victim at least) by the time the coroner gets involved.

    • Rain Poncho W.

      Smash That Poser Button

      • RIP in peace Randall. Your influence is felt all over the world.

        • Why isn’t he around anymore? I see him on the Facebooks.

          • Spear

            He joined Masterlord in the halls of the ded

          • Poser button fatigue, last I heard

          • That is a very real and serious condition.

          • Rain Poncho W.

            Like masturbation, frequent slamming of the poser button is known to cause blindness and eventually paralysis.

          • Gee, thanks for that, Dubs. Using “slamming” and “masturbation” in the same sentence brings the wince.

          • Dumpster Lung

            Did he like, make a point to say “I won’t be around for a while” or just kinda stopped coming here as often? Seemed sorta sudden.

            Whatever the case, hope it’s just a matter of being busy or something and not like anything bad going on personally or anything like that.

          • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse

            Wait -what!?! What did you say about the first thing?

            [ pulls pants up ]

    • Joaquin Stick

      Mash the Potatoes. That’s not real, but I am pretending it is.

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        Are you sure that isn’t real? It sounds far too real.

      • Prolly a slam band.

    • Slice the Cake

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        We Butter The Bread With Butter.

        • I think you win, SVP!

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            Yay! Also the last Slice The Cake album was very good although it was very controversial because of its release.

          • GoatForest

            Wait, that’s a real band?!

        • I kind of chuckle at that one, but if they take themselves seriously then there’s a problem.

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            I never liked the name.

    • Hans Moleman

      Bring Me The Horizon is at least a close second.

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        What about Of Mice And Men? They’re so bad. Sleeping With Sirens is also so bad.

        • Of Mice and Men should be immediately disbanded, just because they blaspheme against Steinbeck with that name.

          • Joaquin Stick

            Some shitty alt-rock band “Airborne Toxic Event” took their name from one of my favorite books (White Noise) and it makes me a sad panda.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Wait wait wait… “A Dinner With Captain Murderer”

      I swear they had a shitty-but-actual music video at one point, though it seems to have disappeared.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGBhzOtv6Do

    • JWG79

      Conjugate the Verb.

      Probably not a real name either, hopefully.

  • pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico

    At least Attack Attack gave us the crabcore joke for a while. Design the Skyline just makes me cringe and be angery.

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      Attack Attack is the greatest thing ever compared to DTS. At least they had the decency to disband and form various other bands. DTS actually reformed in 2014 which disturbs me greatly.

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      I watched this and got cancer in the dick.

      -Brittany Gibson, 2 days ago

    • The Tetrachord of Archytas

      Yeah but attack attack also inevitabley gave us design the skyline

  • Count_Breznak
  • pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico

    A new challenger appears.

    Is it too late to throw this in the fray? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht-wkF1TcTM

    • Joaquin Stick

      Holy fuck. These guys just used to be mediocre djent, but this is something else. This is hell.

      • pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico

        Now they are Djrake.

    • This is the “Beth” of douchecore

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      Oh my god. Pouya why would you do this? Did you need the money that bad?

      • pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico

        >Implying the kinda person that enjoys this buys music

        • Sid Vicious Promos

          I wouldn’t buy this for my worst enemy.

    • This is also up there among the worst things I ever heard. Makes Limp Bizkit almost sound listenable.
      https://youtu.be/qYKRPKjM940

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        Who would stoop to this level? Please tell me they’re being sarcastic.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        *vapes*

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      this sucks a dead bears cock.

      -Damien Lefay, 2 months ago

    • Hans Moleman

      The cameo by the singer of Cancer Bats may destroy any leftover affection I inexplicably have for that band.

      • James

        same.

  • tigeraid

    My hatred of FFDP, how they act, who they are, how they dress up and what they represent overwhelms my mild dislike for Hellyeah’s music. *flush*

    • Joaquin Stick

      My rational was similar, Hellyeah almost does us the nicety of being a different genre for the first minute of the song, so only part of the song tarnishes the good name of metal.

      • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

        That Bon Jovi Deadliest Catch sound.

    • KyleJMcBride

      Agreed. I have a greater tolerance for redneck than I do for bro, so 5FDP were the easier choice.

    • Dumpster Lung

      I was really struggling with this at first, but I think the more I make myself listen to these pieces of garbage, the more I’m leaning toward FFDP. Hellyeah’s song is stupid and worthless, but it’s not surprising at all. You hear the name “Hellyeah” and you immediately know what to expect: derivative, southern-rock/country influenced “metal” with 0 effort.

      FFDP on the other hand. . .not that I’d ever have high expectations for them, but you go from a verse which sucks, but doesn’t especially stand out in any particular way, to a chorus that is somehow jarringly worse and just so, so lame. I think that shift is what makes FFDP deserving of the flush.

      That, and the FFDP song thinks it actually means something, where at least anyone who writes a song called “Alcohaulin’ Ass” probably isn’t aiming to be taken seriously. That’s it. That’s the real determining factor for me.

      Decision made. Five Flusher Dense Poop (I’m sure someone else can come up with something better than that)

      • GoatForest

        Five Fisted Dead Ponies?

        • Dumpster Lung

          I was trying to stick to something that could be flushed, but that was severely limiting my creativity lol. Yours is much better.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Flatulent Fucks Do Pirouettes

    • NDG

      Now that I have heard this argument I feel I wasted my vote!

  • I regret to inform you that we forgot to include rappy deathcore butt trash in this competition
    https://youtu.be/Avxj_YZY1fI

    • I trust you that it’s bad, but generally wasabi >>>>>>>>

      • Click at your own risk my man

        • My interest is peaked (RIP in peace Edward)

          • “Pours some out for Edward”

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            I miss Breegrodamus as well. I’ll snap into a Slim Jim in his honor.

          • Hans Moleman

            Do you say “RIP in peace” intentionally? (Poe’s Law strikes again!)

          • Intentionally AF as fuck 😉

          • Hans Moleman

            lol out loud

          • you only YOLO once, my man!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Fucking gross

    • HessianHunter

      I think whoever mixed this track got confused and swapped the vocal and cymbal levels. *TING TING TING TING* *murmer murmer*

      • JWG79

        *TING TING TING TING*
        *murmer murmer*

        Put this on a t-shirt, and I’d wear it.

      • Victory Records so this was done on the ultra cheap

  • Fake Cowboys vs. Fake Soldiers

    • patiently waiting for videos of dudes confronting FFDP for stealing valor
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KigyqlZgzU

      • Depechemodeisgangsta

        People will go to great lengths for free coffee, i remember Tosh.o did a segment about this guys.

        • Looking that up now. I can’t get enough videos of dudes playing dress up and other dudes getting real mad at them for it.

          • Count_Breznak
          • Depechemodeisgangsta

            Agree, it takes a special kind of person, to dress up for the free coffee, but i do kind of understand, if you’re a real military dude and some douchebag just wears the uniform for the free cup.

          • Howard Dean

            I’m with you there. I think it’s ridiculous and sad that dudes feel the need to pretend they are in the military in order to curry favor/feel better/whatever it is, but I think it’s just as ridiculous that people roam around with the hopes of finding these dudes and making aggressive videos where they confront them. I’ve even heard that they’ve fucked up and harassed dudes who are actually veterans (for real, I guess they humiliated and arrested this 75 year old Vietnam Vet at a parade because they thought his old uniform looked fake). Stupid.

            http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2015/06/harrisburg_artsfest_veteran_st.html

      • Howard Dean

        I love this part:

        Guy filming: “Do you have some ID on you… DON’T YOU REACH FOR IT, GODDAMNIT!!”

        Like the hobo wearing fatigues he got at a military surplus store (for the sole purpose of scoring free coffee and donuts) is going to pull a fucking pistol on them in an airport. Hahaha.

    • GoatForest

      The worst the WWE has to offer.

  • dingus

    fucking NOTHING is worse than Alcohaulin’ Ass

    • Rain Poncho W.

      Put a little drink in my glass mate

    • I sure AF thought Steel Panther was.

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      This song is? worse than the holocaust.

      -BartS4177, 1 month ago

  • Depechemodeisgangsta

    I think is a slank dunk that FFDP will win, the hatred for the band is strong, because of the music, the look, the douche level, it all adds up.

  • Hans Moleman

    5FDP because of DAT EDGE and DTS because they put in that extra effort to make the whole package irredeemably reprehensible.

  • Sid Vicious Promos

    I never thought I’d have such a hard decision to make as trying to decide whether Attack Attack or Design The Skyline were worse. I remember when Design The Skyline came to my area I heard about 10 people showed up.

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      If you ever feel down just remember that blood on the dance floor had to cancel their tour in australia because only 6 people bought tickets.

      -Eva Grudnik, 1 month ago

      • Dumpster Lung

        I don’t know if this is true, but I want it to be so, so bad.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    I’m sad that ATR is not here

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      Even they’re not as bad as these 4.

    • I was hoping they’d win and score a sweet interview on the podcast

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Auto Tune Remains

  • Brock Samson

    I physically get an adverse reaction every time I’m forced to listen to that DTS song when voting.

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      Who doesn’t?

    • Why keep listening? Isn’t the memory of its awfulness torture enough?

      • Hans Moleman

        Why keep looking at a car crash? Why keep eating unhealthily? Why keep falling in love? Why keep on? Them’s them eternal questions.

        EDIT: That last one gains particular pertinence as the rusty hacksaw of autotune violates the brain.

        • Listening to that DTS song every time you vote for it is tantamount to staying married to the drunken slob who beats you and your kids in your trailer every night. Just sayin.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Oh jesus

  • CyberneticOrganism

    ALCOHOOOL IN ASS
    POUR ANOTHER DRINK IN MY ASS

    • Joaquin Stick

      They seem like the butt chuggin’ type.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Oh the tour bus stories they have…

  • James

    I have to default to who’s fans are more unbearable………

  • HessianHunter

    I’m fairly disappointed that our final four is so predictable. I was really rooting for the blackened ska metal and Aevum’s tonedeaf, heinous bullshit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZaqrHxQUL8

    • Guacamole Jim

      What in the actual fuck

      • HessianHunter

        I don’t know if anyone bothered to listen to this track because they were up against FFDP in the first round and everyone instavoted for the more famous douches.

    • Joaquin Stick

      This was my underdog to win it all, but nope. Crushed in the first round.

    • The Mighty Thorange

      I couldn’t make it past that fucking bagpipe sound at the start and I am fucking Scottish so I actually like bagpipes! This should be winning on that fact alone.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        If nothing else, this is ambitious music that you can at least tell took some effort to make – it’s tone deaf but it’s trying.

        The FFDP and Hellyeah tracks are mid-life crisis anthems for tuffbros that were written in 10 minutes, and the DTS and A!A! tracks are spastic garbage written by 15 yr olds on their 5th Red Bull of the day.

        • Guacamole Jim

          That’s the best description of all four of those bands/songs I’ve ever read.

        • Dumpster Lung

          I wish I could give this more than one upvote. Goddamnit that’s so perfect haha.

        • The Mighty Thorange

          You make a very good point. I am probably not being very objective here as I am taking tht bagpipe sound as a personal insult.

  • Scrimm

    How can I choose when I can’t force myself to listen to more than 10 seconds of any of these?

  • A Campus Libertarian

    As awful as the song is, at least 5FDP are unintentionally giving an accurate description of themselves. Hellyeah on the other hand….. the fucking song is called ALCOHAULIN’ ASS, I don’t think you need to even listen to it to know that it’s as bad of a song as has ever existed.

  • FFDP is the soundtrack to every suburban 8-5 middle class white Christian dad who needs to feel rebellious every once in a while during his commute to work driving his Honda SUV.

  • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

    You know, I once listened to Design the Skyline’s album in its entirety. Let’s just say there wasn’t enough hospitals to burn down to satiate my rage afterwards.

  • The Mighty Thorange

    That was the first I think I have listened to Design the Skyline. Before I just closed my eyes and clicked a random choice when they appeared as I assumed I knew what they would sound like after seeing the name and how they looked. I wish I still kept to that strategy. Who the fuck decided to unleash these tone-deaf, arse-jockeying wank-stains onto this Earth?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      The mid-to-late aughts were a dark time.

  • Waynecro

    These songs really are among the worst of the worst. Protip: The new Ancst album makes an excellent palate cleanser.

  • Primordial Chaos

    These metal songs and us, here we are again, featuring Arya Stark, she heard the tunes: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/aaf58e29c7f4de58b25c9e446254c918259ec4aa30b073c634ef9764e101e42d.gif

  • I can’t believe I just made a decision that favored Hellyeah

  • krisdaschwab912

    If it were Jekyll and Hyde then FFDP would take this.

  • It was a mistake that THC didn’t ultimately come out on top.

    And I mean, if you guys actually pick Design The Skyline, then all of this work would have been just to repeat what everybody already said about the song 6 entire years ago when it came out. It’s gonna be SO LAME. The band’s not even gonna have their feelings hurt.

    Make the right choice here.

  • Major Zim

    My personal decision making process. FFDP has more in the way of actual metal thanks to “rough” vocals and double bass, but is also more actively obnoxious and full of itself, somehow. Hellyeah are awful, but have a smaller draw for their awfulness than FFDP. For these two songs at least, Hellyeah is terrible idiot garbage, but it’s just sort of content to be terrible idiot garbage in its little corner. FFDP is at least as bad of terrible idiot garbage, but on such a larger, more aggro shit-bro scale that I have to give it to them.

    As for swoopy McEmo, I have to give it to AttackAttack!. They are the prototypical generic boring warpedtour-core that we endured for a decade, and this song is a masterclass in aggressive mediocrity. DTS on the other hand, is so bad that it almost comes back around to being good and really metal, because it’s so purposefully abrasive, angular and at times dissonant. They’re a bunch of scene kids who took the time to learn how to worship at the altar of better bands who embraced the skronk, and actually made something interesting and unique, if not good or enjoyable. That DTS song could scare and upset AttackAttack! fans, and for that reason it is better.