The Worst Metal Song of All Time: The Earache Eight

Whew, there were some close matchups in that last round. Morbid Angel beat Machine Head by FOUR VOTES, and I anticipate the rest of these matchups will be similarly close.

For the first two rounds, I wanted the songs to battle by musical content alone. But now that we are familiar with the contestants, I swapped out all possible songs with their respective music videos, mostly so you have to suffer and watch them again. Let some of that band personality help guide your decisions. Enjoy!

Which Song Is Worse?

Which Song Is Worse?

Which Song Is Worse?

Which Song Is Worse?

The bracket narrows. Who will sit atop the toilet of degradation?

Worst Song 4

  • Sid Vicious Promos

    Oh thank God, Rusted Nail didn’t make it.

    • Maik Beninton™

      Yeah, I should have voted for that.

      • Rain Poncho W.

        You dun goofed

  • Maik Beninton™

    There is something wrong that is not right.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    I really need to listen to that ATR song again to make sure it’s horrible, but it;s not there

    • Óðinn

      It’s still horrible. Underrated for how horrible it is really.

  • Rain Poncho W.

    Kinda surprised by some of the bands that didn’t make the cut. Very interesting results, though I’ll contend that “All in the Family” was robbed.

    • Joaquin Stick

      I’ve been surprised by so many decisions so far, but I’m really hoping for a Hellyeah/FFDP match up.

      • Joaquin Stick

        Oh man, it could be ULTRABROS vs SWOOPYCUTS next round.

    • pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico

      I still think that Machine Head song gives me a much harder, more visceral cringe than Radikult.

  • Black Smallbeard

    now that the brackets are thru the weeds, i didnt think these choices were so tough.

  • Alright now this is getting difficult. We have all chosen unwisely it appears.

  • Upon a Burning Body was given easy seeding in this tournament, but their run ends today.

    • That Grim Reaper intro though…

    • GoatForest

      Yeah, but they’re up against DTS…

  • Joaquin Stick

    Fucking crab metal video gets me every time. I can’t stop watching.

    • Attack Attack made a “serious” album after they got famous for crab-walking too.
      …I only recommend it for the true masochist though.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Link? I may need it for something.

          • Joaquin Stick

            I was hoping for something to make fun of, but it’s just so boring.

          • They did away with all the goofy things that made them famous in the first place. It’s no wonder they dropped off the face of the flat Earth.

          • Joaquin Stick

            Well, they kept the Mario Kart keyboard sounds.

          • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

            And the nice distortion sound of a Line 6 amp.

          • President Chester A. Arthur

            One of them is in Of Mice And Men now.

          • i tried one song by them. it’s bad.

          • Óðinn

            Bad in a good way?

          • lagerbottoms

            no, just bad.
            Design The Skyline are bad in a good way, I guess. So bad that you have to cringe through the whole song

          • Óðinn

            The John Steinbeck novel? 😉

          • Yes. A former member of Attack Attack now features as a minor character in all revised editions of the nauseatingly over-taught John Steinbeck novella Of Mice and Men. [smiley emoji]

          • Óðinn

            Thanks, Richter. That’s what I assumed. I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t the 1992 film starring John Malkovich.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            *dry heaves*

  • CyberneticOrganism

    *deep shudder at the thought of neon-clad myspacecore bands*

    • What style works for stretchy pants, doesn’t always work for bands.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Damn wiener kid bands…

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Phew. Not much to get mad about this time.

    • Maik Beninton™

      Nor pissed off.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        *sings fatly*

        • Rain Poncho W.

          *jiggles seductively*

          • CyberneticOrganism

            *gets pull*

        • Howard Dean

          Singing fatly >>>>>>>>>>>>>

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM2-iPAY2p4

          • KyleJMcBride
          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Fun GDSMilfs fact: I’m grossly underweight and I once tried going to the gym while listening to Crowbar’s self titled to see if I could gain some weight (like B&B said). It didn’t work 🙁

          • KyleJMcBride

            I’m hypothyroid. I gain by watching other people eat.

          • If you’re not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it’s your window to weight gain!

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Heeeey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?

  • Maik Beninton™

    Next round we can decide which is the worst southern groovetard metal, so that’s what I’m going for.

  • BattleBornNDN

    I laughed really hard at the Attack Attack! video. Holy shit lol

    • BattleBornNDN

      Design the skyline is garbage too wtf lol

  • Primordial Chaos
  • RJA

    “radikult is the best song here” is something I never thought I would think

    • lol

    • BattleBornNDN

      It wasn’t easy to choose this round. Damn.

  • TrundleTheGreat

    I’ve missed a few of these votes. Thanks for reminding me Design the Skyline was a thing ya jerks.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I refuse to have to choose between Steel Panther and Hellyeah. Both are equally deserving of my hatred, and should probably tie in a three-way with Attack Attack to win this whole thing.

    • Old Man Doom

      I had first thought that the Steel Panther track was just a compilation named “Anything by Steel Panther.”

    • I commented before seeing this, but I also struggled with the decision. I decided to vote for Hellyeah simply because they’re a rill srs band and Steel Panther strikes me as a band who would want the title of worst song.

    • NDG

      At least Steel Panther are taking the piss.

  • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

    I couldn’t tell the difference between the last two.

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    Here’s a game:

    Click design the skyline, go to YouTube, go down the rabbit hole of related videos.

    The game is called don’t kill yourself

    I lost

    Bye everyone

    • Tetrachord died doing what he loved…
      wait, no he didn’t! haha

      • The Tetrachord of Archytas
        • pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico

          Best Maiden album.

          • The Tetrachord of Archytas

            I agree. Although my favorite is somewhere in time, which is a great one but that has a lot of nostalgia for me

  • Óðinn

    The choices are really getting difficult now. I want them all to win.

  • I do not feel good about myself today.

  • Óðinn

    There was no Babiemetal included on these list. Maybe because they are not Metal. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e76f0c50163d7fedb3f99a658ca0c24c703dfdfb884c974184beedca9330b70d.jpg

    • Waynecro

      Or maybe, just maybe, B*******l actually is metal–if not the dancing singers, certainly the backing musicians. After all, several of those musicians have legitimate metal cred. Just sayin’.

      • Óðinn

        I respect your opinion, Waynecro.

        • Waynecro

          Thank you, dude. I appreciate that. I know BM gets a lot of shit, but I really like some of the band’s songs. And the musicians in BM certainly have chops (and play in other projects that are definitely metal). I think sociologists should conduct an experiment in which they replace the three dancing singers with a single bearded Nordic guy who sings like Anders Fridén did on The Jester Race and see whether metalheads still hate the songs. Shit, maybe I’ll just employ that tactic in a BM cover band.

          • Óðinn

            TBH, I mostly agree with you. I’m actually not as much a hater of B*bymetal as I am indifferent. My post above was playing to the crowd a little. I really like posting memes when I get bored. It’s just a thing that I do.

            I’m educated in the arts, and I know that, objectively, the big thing that sets them apart is really the young female Japanese vocalists (and perhaps the commercial appeal). It’s really just a melding of J-pop and metal.

          • Waynecro

            I appreciate all the memes you post. Actually, were it not for the TovH, I’d be clueless about memes. It’s all good fun. And though I do really enjoy BM–What can I say? I like both J-pop and melodeath–I’m not at all militant about defending the band or anything. I totally get that BM isn’t for everyone. I don’t take offense about silly stuff on the internet, and you don’t need to worry about offending me (super nice of you to apologize just in case, though). Honestly, one of the main reasons I comment in response to BM stuff is because I’ve been writing a goofy Socratic dialogue about whether BM is metal for about a year now, and internet comments about the band help my thought process. True story.

          • Óðinn

            Interesting. The university I attended was really strong on art, film, and communication theory, as well as the social sciences. I loved it. I find these types of questions very interesting as well. One thing that I try to keep in mind is that our art, and the way we communicate with art, is ultimately about us (human beings). It’s a form of social communication. Social sciences can do a lot to explain these things.

            I sometimes try to make social commentary when I post memes. This meme though, I guess it was more of Photoshop reflex with a comment tacked on for effect. I guess I thought I had to explain posting a B*bymetal meme because even mentioning B*bymetal is taboo.

          • Waynecro

            Because of my background in writing, advertising, and marketing (and because my ex was a sociology major), I too find the issues and questions you mention very interesting. I also think your multilayered BM meme is pretty fucking funny.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I’m also disappointed you didn’t take this opportunity to title it “The Hateful Eight”

    • Óðinn

      H8ful Eight.

      Yeah, I kind of thought the headline meant Earache the record label at first.

      • Guacamole Jim

        H8ful E8ght8

    • Joaquin Stick

      I considered it, but decided to go a different way.

  • Shakes 999

    My initial picks are all knocked out except Design The Skyline. It’s the Cinderella story that’s gonna take it all.

  • the way the brackets are going is making the most logical sense to me

  • Waynecro

    The chorus of that Upon a Burning Body song is now stuck in my head. THIS WORLD MUST BURN!!!

  • Pierre Generic

    Dammit, I was sure Issues was going to win it all. At least Design the Skyline’s still in it.

  • Steel Panther is a gag band so voting for them just plays into the joke. Hellyeah take themselves seriously, so I they get my vote.

  • krisdaschwab912

    The only difficult choice was between Design the Shitline and Upon a Burning Butt Metal. Then I remembered how much Texas sucks. Fuck Texas and fuck UABB.

  • NDG

    How do Americans reconcile the fact they are responsible for so much shit music in the world today?!

  • ElusiveSamsquanch

    First time hearing anything off that Morbid Angel album…what in the fuck?