The Worst Metal Song of All Time: The Championshit

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Both matchups in the final four were close, but two victors (losers) have come out on top. Who will take the shit stained crown?

This final matchup was fairly predictable, but hey, a bad song is a bad song. At least we got to jam some other terrible tunes along the way. It’s about the journey, not the destination. Or something.

It’s time to decide which is worse: A band that got signed to a huge label WAYYYY too early, which exposed the world to a less-than-mediocre high school garage band with a huge budget, or the kings of buttrock, the embodiment of the ignoramus, the guys who have become a default metal band for non-metal listeners much to our chagrin. Which is the weight that is dragging the good name of metal to the dumps.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 28-02-2017 00:00:00
end_date 02-03-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Which Song Is The Worst Song in Metal

  • Lacertilian
    • CyberneticOrganism

      Upon A Bernie Body

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      This is good content.

    • Upon A Burning Butthole

    • Joaquin Stick

      DON’T DEAD OPEN INSIDE

  • Fuck the fake news, here’s what’s going on where I live. Check out that headline.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c96d140accb950769312420790af88a38b52302e078f87ef6cd59ba06c925eff.png

  • Doom Scientist

    5FDP should win. Jock Rock needs to die a slow, painful death.

    • GL

      Cosigned!

      GL

    • Howard Dean

      Every high school athletic director is weeping now at the thought of having to permanently retire this album from the varsity basketball warm-up mix:

      https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2015-07/23/14/enhanced/webdr13/enhanced-8881-1437675389-1.jpg

      • GL

        $15.99, WHAT A FUCKING STEAL!!!!

        • Howard Dean

          Y’ALL READY FOR THIS?!

          [irritating synth horns]

      • Jack Rabbit

        The fact they refer to the Macarena as a “Smash” gives me chills

        • Doom Scientist

          Unfortunately, back then it was. You couldn’t escape it.

      • Volume 1 is where it’s at!

        • Howard Dean

          Volume 1 had “Whoop! There it is!” “Tootsee Roll” and “Pump Up the Jam.” You can’t compete with those classics. Discogs has seven Volume 1 CDs for sale starting at $1.23.

          http://cps-static.rovicorp.com/3/JPG_500/MI0002/678/MI0002678002.jpg

          • Rain Poncho W.

            My first cassette tape was “Whoomp there it is”

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-FPimCmbX8

          • Hey, it’s Barack Obama

          • Howard Dean

            This was my first cassette (for real). 1990 was a helluva year:

            https://www.amazon.com/Coming-Their-Shells-Teenage-Mutant/dp/B00000EN8G

          • Rain Poncho W.

            Wow, I remember that!

          • Howard Dean

            Hell yes! I played the fuck out that cassette when I was in kindergarten.

          • DARKBEARD

            i believe my first casette was green jelly

          • Howard Dean

            “LITTLE PIG, LITTLE PIG, LET. ME. IN.”

            Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!

          • Hans Moleman

            That and Electric Harley House of Love were my jams thanks to my older brothers.

          • RJA

            Awesome! I believe Thriller was my first cassette but honestly I’m getting too old to remember for sure.

          • anesthesiac

            Same year… mine was “simpsons sing the blues”

    • I agree with this in terms of size of Dookie. Design The Skyline didn’t make it anywhere after this album while FFDP continues to plague us.

      • Doom Scientist

        Exactly.

      • Dumpster Lung

        Yep. At one point in time, I’d have had more hatred toward the scene kid garbage, but that seems to be less and less of a concern as time goes on. Afflictioncore is still very much alive and kicking.

  • Howard Dean

    Damn, some seriously shitty shit here. Word is spreading…

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CnldC6pVMAAgmKJ.jpg

  • Jay Riemenschneider

    No question it’s Design the Skyline. Here’s a video to sway your vote.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hh-kvHZjoNI

    • GL

      NO ANIME.

    • James

      Jesus….

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Ewwww

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      Now I feel I made the wrong choice. This is so bad.

      • Howard Dean

        Would you have sex with the chick on the right in that video?

        • Sid Vicious Promos

          HD plz! That’s a guy!

          • Howard Dean

            I dunno, JJD. It’s a close call. Could be a woman. I say go for it. Better than the JO Crystal guy, right?

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            I have enough female friends that are actually women. Plus I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment.

    • DARKBEARD

      these look like trannies from the rez

    • Depechemodeisgangsta

      So TBH i have no idea of this band, so i was wondering, are they even still playing, so i went out and google it.
      From their Wiki page:
      ” which was negatively received to the point of the band gaining considerable exposure.[3] The negative reaction was generally due to the song’s key structure and sound changes, as well the band’s overt “scene” image at the time.”

    • “Frank, we can see lots of your face. Please cover it with moar hair plz.”

    • I’m just going to assume every track goes out to ALL THEIR H8RZ

  • Brock Samson

    I went 5FDP simply because they are grown men thinking they are badass while DTS are just dumb kids.

  • Seems to be a toss-up on a purely musical basis, but taking into account the damage to the scene that FFDP has been dealing for years on end, they are the worst. And must be stopped.

    • gacharicmeatspin

      What do you mean damage? They’re showing millions of kids how not to play.

  • Fine Sexy Ladies

    Design the Skyline gets my vote based on the sheer acute butthurt I felt when I watched that godforsaken video.

  • HAVE U HURD THE 1 ABOUT ME BEIN A CUCK

    • GL

      U LUV TOO PLAY PRETEND CUCK ON TOILET OV HELL>COM

      <3

      • Howard Dean

        I’ll help: You were implying that Joe likes to pretend to be a guy that likes to watch other men have sex with his wife/girlfriend.

        • GL

          Is that what that means?

          I suck at life…

          Sorry, Joe.

          • Rain Poncho W.

            Cuck is short for cuckold, breh.

          • Howard Dean

            Well, that’s what “cuck” (short for cuckold) actually means. But I think it’s used as a general insult (akin to “wimp” or “beta”) nowadays.

          • Dumpster Lung

            I feel like calling someone a cuck or beta pretty much instantly gives off superdouche vibes. I got sick of both of those about as quickly as I got tired of “snowflake,” (regardless of however left/right the person using it may be).

            It’s like when a meme wears out its welcome, but at least the meme was kind of enjoyable for a while first haha.

          • Howard Dean

            What was that you said about memes overstaying their welcome?

            http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/021/985/image.png

    • CyberneticOrganism

      HOLY SHIT BRO HE FUCKIN’ PUNCHED THE DIRECTOR OF THE VIDEO RIGHT AT THE START HA HA HA HA WHAT A PUSSY THAT GUY WAS

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    The real winner (loser) here is obvs Bullituary or whatever the ever-living heck that disgrace of an Obituary song was called.
    These candidates are false, and I blame the Ruskies.

  • My logic: the bros in FFDP are old enough to know better. Design the Skyline are a few kids in search of that scene $krilla. I dunno, maybe I thought about it too hard.

    • Dumpster Lung

      The kids in Design the Skyline can still grow up to regret their decisions.

      • it’s like a window into a future full of ragrets

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Ultimately had to vote for FFDP because the attitude and music that comes from middle-aged fake military tuffbros writing riffs with their drooping nuts is overall worse for music than spastic screeching neon crabcore teenagers.

    • At least the teens are expressing themselves productively and not on the streets doing the drugs.

    • Stockhausen

      That’s sound logic. For me though, I was just so viscerally offended by the hot, shrieking garbage of DtS that my blood, my actual blood, started to hurt. With FFDP it was more of an amusing sadness, like watching a little kid flail at a much bigger teenager while the teenager is holding him back by the head (FFDP is the little kid and the bigger teenager is slightly decent taste).

      • CyberneticOrganism

        I think you discovered a new site tagline:

        TOILET OV HELL
        Your actual blood will hurt

  • James

    Moody and a handful of other musician bought harsher vox to the radio. Getting closer to forcing the point for screamed vox in a mainstream setting. The bro/good ol’boy things a massive turn off, though…..

    • CyberneticOrganism

      FFDP: the soundtrack to a drunken 2 AM fistfight at a gas station

      • GL

        NO WAY BRO, I ONLYFIGHT MY HALF BROTHERS. CUZ THEY DON DRIVE REAL MAN TRUCKS: DIESELS, MOTHER FUCKER.

      • Dumpster Lung

        At the first apartment I ever had, I once came home from a closing shift and saw about 5 shirtless dudes just brawling over by the dumpster.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Stay in school.

          • Dumpster Lung

            Seriously lol. That was the shittiest place I have ever lived by far.

  • Sid Vicious Promos

    Never thought I’d vote against Design The Skyline but I did.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    I seem to be in the minority, but I voted Design the Skyline. For fuck’s sake man…

    • James

      same.

      • Depechemodeisgangsta

        Same here, 5fdp needs, like their “Own” category, since on they were in the bracket you knew that they would win, is like the 1992 “Dream team” once you knew that they are in, nobody would beat them.

    • Waynecro

      I did too. I just picked the song I hated the most–image, lyrics, band shenanigans, etc. aside.

  • Doom Scientist

    DTS are just a bunch of harmless kids that only Metal fans know about, far less of an annoyance than Full Fisted Donkey Punch.

    • Joaquin Stick

      Fat Fucking Dill Pickle.

      • DARKBEARD

        Dill Pickles are so much better than Bread n Butter pickles tho

        • Joaquin Stick

          Agreed. Every so often a bread and butter is fun though. Also fuck anyone (I’m looking at you, most East Coast restaurants) who just soaks it in nothing but vinegar and calls it a “pickle”.

          • Howard Dean

            Vinegar is so good, though. Case in point: Carolina style barbecue sauce.

          • Joaquin Stick

            Well sure, but they use other spices in BBQ too. They don’t just cover ribs in apple cider vinegar and say “go fuck yourself”

          • Howard Dean

            If someone comes over for dinner at my house and says that the pickles are too vinegary, I toss a bucket of apple cider vinegar in their face and say “go fuck yourself.”

          • DARKBEARD

            woopwoop

    • GoatForest

      Fully Formulaic Dude Power.

    • Hans Moleman

      Frog-Fellating Dildo Police

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Fart Fart Dick Poop

  • GL

    Confession: I never watched that Design Skyline band thing. Never. I just went ahead and voted for it each time.

    Thanks for all those who did watch it, though. lol.

    • Doom Scientist

      You should. It’s hilarious.

      • GL

        Swoop haircuts can melt steel beams. I cannot be responsible for the building I am in collapsing. Sorry.

  • Jack Rabbit
    • GL

      saved.

  • tigeraid

    I refer to my original statement on why 5FDP is the worst. It goes beyond the music.

  • DARKBEARD

    i feel like 5FDP is objectively worse

  • more beer

    This needs to end in a tie.

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    I hope you’re not implying that had they not been signed so early they could’ve been good

    • Major Zim

      Nah, they’re still around and they’ve even figured out that whole songwriting and instrument playing thing, now they’re just passably generic instead of uniquely bad.

  • Major Zim

    DTS is bad because they can’t write good songs. All the bits of metal are in there. Just surrounded by jarring transitions, swoopy haircuts and poorly aged autotune. DTS is normie repellant to the nth degree (shit I can barely stand it and I listen to Gnaw Their Tongues on purpose), but FFDP is like the Trump to Avenged Sevenfold’s George Bush. We thought it couldn’t get worse, but like that chick from Prometheus, we were wrong. We were so wrong.

    • gacharicmeatspin

      All the bits are written like trash and performed like shit, then mixed like barf. Fuck this “song”.
      So let’s compare them to Hillary: completely irredeemable, rotten through and through, but get a pass when compared to someone who everybody already kinda agreed to hate.

      • Major Zim

        Oh yea, no, it’s so bad I’ve never even heard anything be bad in that way before. It’s bad in a whole new, profoundly bad way. But I’ll take interestingly bad over generically bad any day, and FFDP are the absolute kings of awfully generic/generically awful. And even more damning is that nowhere in that painfully bland musical equivalent to a beige tribal tattoo is much in the way of individual pieces you would think of as metal. In geological terms, DTS is like a piece of composite rock: it’s got random chunks of unrelated metal that are held together by a cementation of The Actual Worst ™, whereas FFDP are like sandstone where every piece of sand is mediocre and false, and aggressively so.
        So which is worse, trying and failing, Or being angrily, smugly terrible on purpose? No one is proud of liking DTS (I imagine there are probably people somewhere who do, but maybe not), but the amount of people who legitimately think FFDP is anything special or worthwhile is roughly equivalent to the amount of people Trump pretends were at his inauguration ( those crowds are probably the exact same people so not a surprise). Thats what makes them the worst.

  • Dental_Damnation

    I haven’t listened to any until this point. I think these are well suited to go head to head for the title.

  • Hans Moleman

    Tough choice, but I feel like DTS fans are going through a phase, whereas FFDP people are in it for life.

    Then again, there’s this dude of course…

    http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg170/rambelpalsis/1228969789188qr5.jpg

    • DESIGN THE AGE-INAPPROPRIATE LIP RING

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      I’m 57 year old, and this band rocks! So does Five Finger Death Punch. My existance pisses off the record executives because they can’t fit me in a file. Fuck files.

      -Stoney Browning, 1 month ago

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Stoney Browning: Scene Dad

    • Dumpster Lung

      Oh noooooooooooooooooooo

  • Special Agent Dale Cooper

    It’s like the tagline for the first (shitty) Alien Vs. Predator movie.
    Whoever wins, we lose.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      *speaks into tape recorder*
      “Dianne, it suddenly dawned on me that whoever wins, we lose. I’m heading out for more coffee now so I’ll elaborate more on this later.”

      • Special Agent Dale Cooper

        Fahk you ahhshoule!

        Jk luv u rly.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I love you too, Chaymee.

  • Void King

    as TERRIBLE as that Design The Skyline song is, those dudes are just stupid kids in a weird genre.
    5FDP is a bad band from start to finish. They possess zero creativity and everything about that video makes me wish I had AIDS. And not the good kind.

  • Dumpster Lung

    I was ready to commit to voting for FFDP after considering that if we’re talking in terms of impact to the genre, they’re clearly worse, since nobody but people who get on metal sites to make fun of shit even knows who DtS are, but I decided to listen to each song one more time just in case.

    I barely survived hearing that DtS song one last time, but my internet connection just dropped while listening to FFDP. I’m taking that as a sign my instincts were right. FFDP it is.

  • The Mighty Thorange

    Jesus motherfucking Christ this was difficult! This was like asking what aborted fetus residue I want to throw in the bin first. But It’s got to be 5FDP. They have more opportunity to do more harm to the metal community, and they pretty much already are doing that, with being cunty dudebro wankers. And they look like the metal version of the fucking Village People if they all were the army guy.

  • Stockhausen

    I got through 1:16 of FFDP before I had to smash the stop button, and 16 of those seconds were getting up to let my dog out. I got 5 seconds into the full band stuff in DtS before sprinting 20 miles to the nearest tall building and throwing my laptop off in rage. DtS wins for me.

  • gacharicmeatspin

    I once saw one of them guitar videos of FFDP guitarist showing off a scale run and completely failing through every note, to the point of looking embarrassed himself, almost blushing. The comments, though, were filled with dick-sucking of his mad shred skills. I don’t know if they couldn’t do another take, or that’s the best he can do, but it was hilarious and sad at the same time.