The Worst Metal Song of All Time: Sweet SixSixSixteen

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The results are in and the next round is here. The decisions certainly aren’t any easier.

You guys made some choices, and we are obligated to accept them. You killed my underdog by voting for FFDP, and black metal ska has been deemed TOO GOOD FOR THIS CONTEST. You people are sick. Also, Manowar is out, so someone should throw Joey a party in his mom’s basement.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-02-2017 20:22:33
end_date 14-05-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Which Song Is Worse?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-02-2017 20:22:33
end_date 14-05-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Which Song Is Worse?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-02-2017 20:22:33
end_date 14-05-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Which Song Is Worse?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-02-2017 20:22:33
end_date 14-05-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Which Song Is Worse?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-02-2017 20:22:33
end_date 14-05-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Which Song Is Worse?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-02-2017 20:22:33
end_date 14-05-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Which Song Is Worse?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-02-2017 20:22:33
end_date 14-05-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Which Song Is Worse?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-02-2017 20:22:33
end_date 14-05-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Which Song Is Worse?

Here’s the bracket as it stands, click to embiggen.

Worst Song 3a

 

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  • Lacertilian

    Fuck.
    Me.
    Dead.

    • Crocodylus★Pontifex

      Fucc ded.

    • Ew. (But okay.)

  • He Man

    I am Adam, Prince of Eternia, Defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull.

    This is Cringer, my fearless friend.

    Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said “By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!”

    Cringer became the mighty BattleCat and I became He-man, the most powerful man in the universe.

    Only three others share this secret: our friends the Sorceress, Man-At-Arms and Orko. Together we defend Castle Grayskull from the evil forces of Skeletor.

  • Danny Zuko

    Tbh i never understood why Leper was here in the first place

  • Steel Panther are like early Beastie Boys (eg Licensed to Ill) to me. A little funny in small controlled doses, but overall pretty goddamn annoying.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      How are you dissing on Beastie Boys right now and comparing them to Steel Panther??!! Dammit, I was supposed to be calm during this one.

      • Rain Poncho W.

        You’re going to end up with the rage hemorrhoids if you keep following this contest.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Sad but true. See you dudes later.

      • A lot of their records are fine, but that first one just grates on me if I have to listen to more than one song in a row.

      • Black Smallbeard

        im really not a big fan of Beastie Boys but i can get down with some ignant glam rock

    • the goddamn beastie boys are fucking terrible. burn them! burn them to heck!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      BUT SONGS ABOUT HERPES AND TITS BRO AM I RIGHT HA HA HA I’M TOTALLY KIDDING THIS IS ALL A JOKE BUT HEY HERE’S OUR NEW SONG CALLED “CUMMIN’ ON YOUR WHORE FACE”

    • Eliza

      Beastie Boys have funny music videos, which is the main reason I like them.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        Also, the Beastie Boys grew up at some point

        • Eliza

          And sound great compared to Steel Panther. Not that they have much in common in order to compare them, but still.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    My faith has been restored.

  • Rain Poncho W.

    I had to vote for In Flames because they were, at one point, not utter trayyysh. There’s a quiet confidence to THC’s ignorance, and I can respect that.

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      Are you trying to kill me?

    • tigeraid

      Interesting opposite-take on my opinion of the situation.

      • Rain Poncho W.

        One has to see the top of the mountain to truly fathom the depths of the valley.

        • Stockhausen

          But is it not worse to willfully flop around in a swamp?

          • Rain Poncho W.

            Not for the toad or asp.

    • A bad song by a good band is far worse than a bad song by a bad band. It’s all about intent.

      • Special Agent Dale Cooper

        Exempting Creed, all of this.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Creed is not a band. Creed is a sentient chain wallet emblazoned with blue flames and a vague faith-based, life-affirming message.

  • SupremeKrieg

    Bunch of fvcking untrue fvcking songs. Burn them.

    • Howard Dean

      Here’s some good stuff for you:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24_BYwfqV4A

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        RRRRRROOOORRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHUUUUUUUUUUHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

        (*imitating psychotic Reifert scream*)

      • SupremeKrieg

        Allow me to repeat myself. DEATH METAL FVCKING SUCKS

        • Howard Dean
          • SupremeKrieg

            Listen to real music, you false.

        • Dumpster Lung

          Black metal’s your main thing, right?

          • Negativity is.

          • Óðinn

            Isn’t he just a really ineffectual troll? It’s getting hard to tell these days.

          • SupremeKrieg

            Who the fvck are you calling a troll?

          • Óðinn

            See what I mean?

          • SupremeKrieg

            No, I fvckin don’t.

          • SupremeKrieg

            The only fvcking thing. That and some other stuff.

          • Dumpster Lung

            I see black and death as two sides of the same coin, the old stuff at the very least. Maybe not the all the sub-sub-genres that developed, though.

  • Crocodylus★Pontifex

    I demand a recount of that Manowar vs. Soulfly ballot. I think there was tampering and possibly Russian hacking involved.

  • Sir Ukkometso The Based

    What the fuck how is Manoshit not here? Well at least steel panther is shitting strong. Also Radikult is entertaining, not a good song, but funny.q

    • Old Man Doom

      I think Boss threatened everyone at swordpoint.

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        I didn’t vote Manowar because I knew Boss would be so sad if I did.

        • Old Man Doom

          He wouldn’t be dissappointed. He would just slay your ass.

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            I don’t want him to slay my ass. I’m not gay.

          • Howard Dean

            “Boss the Ross slays Janitor Jim’s ass; hilarity and (literal) butthurt ensues.”

          • Sid Vicious Promos likes women and women only. I want to confirm this as I saw it on Facebook.

          • Óðinn

            Then why do we keep hearing about Sid Vicious Promos and the JO crystal guy, like all the time? 😉

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            Don’t ask me. I honestly don’t know how it started.

          • Óðinn

            Thanks, Sid Vicious Promos.

          • Howard Dean

            Sid Vicious Promos is all about the ladies.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzNjMwZRhb0

          • CyberneticOrganism

            *snap snap* Smokes let’s go.

          • Howard Dean

            I’ve met fucking cats and dogs that are smarter than Cory and Trevor.

          • KyleJMcBride

            I’ll second your confirmation. No dudes or barnyard animals for JJD.

          • Dumpster Lung

            Nobody asked if you wanted it lol

          • Óðinn
      • Sir Ukkometso The Based

        I ain’t afraid. I do that to myself every night.

        • Old Man Doom

          Huehuehue

          • Sir Ukkometso The Based

            It’s the only way I can fall asleep these days.

    • tigeraid

      Steel Panther will be slain with steel.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      Radikult is a “so bad is kinda good” song. Also, anyone that constantly shits on IDI needs to read Max’s absolutely brilliant article on the matter

      http://www.toiletovhell.com/justify-your-unflushed-shit-morbid-angels-illud-divinum-insanus/

      • Sir Ukkometso The Based

        I’ve never dug morbid angel that much so idi didn’t hit me hard

      • Dumpster Lung

        I gotta disagree there. I’d never heard Radikult before this contest, and it was shockingly horrific to me haha

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Radikult is The Room of awful metal.

      • yet The Room still makes for the occasional fun watch

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Anyway, how is your sex life?

          • You couldn’t kill me if you tried.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            The bank saves money and they are using me, and I am the fool.

          • OT: yesterday somebody called my cellphone and left a voicemail cause i was at work. the first words out of her mouth “nice outgoing message!” (you know the one…)

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Lol awesome, you’re still using that?

          • oh hail yes. i love it! just waiting for a call from the bank or government office or something

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Mr Mack Nutly, I was just calling you to let you know your home loan has been approved, but hearing your outgoing message I rescind my offer. Good day to you, sir.

  • Maik Beninton™

    Machine Roach versus Morbid Manson.
    What a choice, I will go with Machine Head cause that song pisses me off a lot more than Radikult.

    • Old Man Doom

      The stupid stop-start verse thing fills me rage.

    • Eliza

      I agree. Morbid Angel’s song is bad, but Machine Head’s is abysmal.

    • Dumpster Lung

      I personally found Radikult more offensive to my ears, but that was definitely a tough one. We’re all worse off for having listened to both songs.

      • Joaquin Stick

        I didn’t make it all the way through Radikult last time before knowing it was worse, but since it was a tough choice this time, I dedicated some time to listen all the way through. I can’t believe they had the gall to make this piece of shit over 7 minutes long.

        • Dumpster Lung

          Wow, I didn’t realize that either. 7+ minutes of exposure to that garbage has got to be hazardous to your health.

    • GoatForest

      Yeah, but the apparent depths of Morbid Angel’s depravity is greater. They fell like an eagle, while Machine Head fell like a Chicken.

    • Shakes 999

      Radikult is barely even music. Goin with Morbid Angel all the way.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    You know it’s bad when you’re forced to vote in favor of a 5FDP song.

    • Dumpster Lung

      That Issues song though. . .holy shit that was traumatizing.

      • GoatForest

        That decision was so goddamned difficult. Issues suck, but FFDP blows.

    • Special Agent Dale Cooper

      I’m sorry, but I have to disagree with you here, I’ll take failing at trying something slightly different than just going through the motions anyday. Yeah, Issues suck, but at least its an interesting kind of suck, not FFDP’s boring suckage.

      • The Tetrachord of Archytas

        You should want issues to win just so you can see their whiny social media rant/rebuttal about being not appreciated in their time

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        I’m all for trying something different, but that being said I think that Issues as a band sucks even worse than FFDP. I can get a laugh out of FFDP’s banality, Issues’ sound on the other hand is straight-up infuriating.

        • Special Agent Dale Cooper

          Fairs, if they’re trying something different and it’s still infuriating you, then that’s that. I guess I’m just numb to shitty -core bands.

      • James

        The song sounds like its from 2004. Hardly innovative.

        • Special Agent Dale Cooper

          I never said it was, they are still shit. I just they’re still more interesting than FFDP, because mixing two sounds from 2004 is still different to the same bro-metal song over and over again.

          • James

            ALT rock/metal(?), 4 lyfe

  • Sid Vicious Promos

    In Flames does not deserve to be a part of this. They’re so much better than Texas Hippie Coalition.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Sorry JJD, but new In Flames is as cringe as Hellyeah.

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        Battles is as cringeworthy as Hellyeah. Siren Charms is an alternative metal opus.

        • Rain Poncho W.
        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Siren Charms made me want to kill myself.

          • Sir Ukkometso The Based

            Siren Charms made me kill myself. I’m now dead.

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            I loved it. It was so much better than their other alternative metal albums

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Frank takes a pass on any In Flames post Colony.
            And in fact, The Jester Race is their only truly great album imo.

          • more beer

            You loved it is proof it belongs here.

    • Sir Ukkometso The Based

      You’re right. In Flames deserves way, wayyyyy, worse.

  • If Machine Head wins this, I hope Robb Flynn finds out and does an emotional General Journals vlog from a hotel room about it.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5bdb7926bc39a9c7a08e62a77af81cee0823466d153e39e180deb3b01b646958.jpg

  • tigeraid

    HOW is Riot still on this list? Oh well, it will died against the trash that is Steel Panther.

  • tigeraid

    And see, the choices become easy now, as Texas Hippie Coalition goes up against something like In Flames. In Flames is a poor track from a band that’s had its ups and downs but has some artistic integrity. THC (wait, did they do that on purpose?) is just fucking awful period.

    • I don’t think In Flames has had ups and downs. They had an up and then it’s been all downhill from there.

      • tigeraid

        Harsh.

        Still, observe them, observe THC. OBJECTIVELY, one is just fucking awful.

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        I’ve been slain by your words. RIP.

      • CLOUD CONNECTED

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Visit Amazon today for your small business’ cloud computing needs

    • James

      theres a few bands like that on here. Lotsa fair weather fans on the toilet.

      • Pro-tip: You don’t have to keep liking something when it sucks.

        • James

          when I have two pick between 2 things that equally suck(songs), i”l default to the band.

  • If “Rusted Nails” doesn’t win this contest I will personally hack every In Flames social media.

    I freaking hate that song.

    • Rain Poncho W.

      SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY WITNESS LINK, THE VENEZUELAN VERDUGO, GO HEAD TO HEAD WITH JANITOR “SIREN CHARMS IS GOOD” JIM DUGGAN IN A NO-HOLDS-BARRED LADDER AND CHAIRS MATCH! WILL THE VERDUGO EXECUTE HIS TRADEMARK HACKSAW ATTACK AGAINST THE JANITOR? WILL THE JANITOR COUNTER WITH THE DAD ROCK DICTIONARY? TUNE IN TO WATCH THE CARNAGE. YOU’LL PAY FOR THE WHOLE SEAT, BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!

      • ¡Jajajajajajaja! It’s an honour to be bestowed by your words, Poncho Presidente.

      • JJD HAS TAGGED IN GL

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        I officially challenge Link to a Table, Ladders and Chairs match to defend the honor of Siren Charms. I can guarantee that there will be no mercy.

        • Vault Dweller

          TLC! TLC! TLC! TLC!

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            I guarantee there will be Swanton Bombs off ladders onto tables while I hold a chair.

    • Maik Beninton™

      I just listened and almost feel like I should’ve voted for it.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    are you going to invite Phil onto the podcast to bestow the mighty honor upon him when he wins?

  • Real talk: That FFDP track is a much worse metal song than the Issues song. FFDP can be considered metal. Issues is clearly some other thing entirely.

    • I don’t think Issues belongs in this contest. Might as well include Good Charlotte.

      • Eliza

        Not that Good Charlotte wouldn’t deserve to be included.

        • Vault Dweller

          Any bad attention they get is just

    • Óðinn

      Thanks for being real with us about this, Joe. 🙂

    • Dumpster Lung

      Good point, but I do hate it more, plus I already voted before I saw this. Should’a taken it up with Joaquin before it made the list haha

      EDIT: Oh no, what if Issues wins, and other than it being considered the worst song of all the choices, the fact that it’s the worst METAL song somehow gives them some sort of validation? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    • Joaquin Stick

      My 12 year old son that I just made up thinks it’s metal and the heaviest thing he’s ever heard.

      • more beer

        Make believe kids are much cheaper than the real thing!

    • James

      Then is shouldent have been included in the list. 5FDP wins by default because it IS metal.

    • krisdaschwab912

      Issues is best classified as “Discount Boys Like Girls”

  • Eliza

    That Machine Head song is way worse than I could’ve possibly imagined.

  • pretty cool them rhyming glass and ass like that

  • Hubert

    Hubert Cool Take: I quite like Jumpdafuckup, but that’s mostly because I listened to a bunch of Nu-metal era Soulfly in my distant youth (five years ago).

    that Riot song really shouldn’t be on here, and if that song wins against Steel Panther I’ll be a very, very disappointed goat.

    • Dumpster Lung

      “distant youth (five years ago)” haha nice.

      Gotta agree on Riot. I’ll be really surprised if Steel Panther doesn’t get flushed on that one.

    • James

      Same. only my distant youth was in 2001, lol.

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    Voting this time was considerably less excruciating, having already listened to all the songs

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I could understand that THC song a lot better if they would clarify whether the corpulent juggalo singer is A) both pissed off AND mad about a specific, unnamed incident, or B) whether he is mad at himself for being so pissed off about said unnamed incident.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      M. Night Shyamalan plot twist: HE was the specific, unnamed incident all along

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Being pissed off and mad about it is a flat circle

      • Óðinn

        Phil Labonte was Ivan Moody this whole time.

    • Lord of Bork

      Dude, it’s his cry for help. Big Daddy Rich (yes, I know the fat THC singer’s name without looking it up) is just suffering from emotional problems, causing him to be “pissed off.” Due to his inability to move past this issue with talk therapy and SSRIs, he’s “mad about it.”

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Alternate theory: Tourette’s Guy writes their lyrics

    • Old Man Doom

      He’s SO MAD AT himself.

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    the all that remains/attack attack and issues/ffdp shoulda been saved for the end game

    • I am going to lose sleep over those decisions.

  • JWG79

    I’m still kind of surprised at some of the ‘metal’ bands and songs that didn’t make the initial list. Maybe the idea was that any and every other band that sounds like Attack Attack! can be counted as a vote by proxy whenever that one makes it into another round?

    I don’t think they’ll make the next round though…

    • Joaquin Stick

      I’d say that the vote by proxy is a good way to think about it. The final contestants were chosen for diversity and other factors, so it wasn’t just 32 rap metal songs.

      • JWG79

        Indeed. Diversity is key. I’d otherwise have wondered how no Motionless In White song made it in the list. That seems a perennial favorite among the swoopy-haired Mall Goth teenagers who follow me on Twitter whenever I use the #metal hashtag and mention their country of origin.

        I try to use it as a teaching experience, but it never quite works out.

        Me: [something about Australian metal]
        *added by MIW fan from Sydney*
        Her: “I wish I could go to the Slipknot show, but Mom says no.”

        Me: [Portal or Stargazer Video], not even @ her


        ….
        …..
        *blocked*

      • Óðinn
      • Óðinn
        • CyberneticOrganism

          Sweet merciful fuck

  • This decision-making process went quickly yet was no less painful. My chakras hurt.

  • Primordial Chaos
  • If you vote for Riot you’re a piece of shit

  • Waynecro

    Man, I am going to feel so stupid when one of these awful songs gets stuck in my head later.

    • more beer

      It could be worse. You could have something like the theme from Gilligan’s Island stuck in your head.

      • Waynecro

        Crap. Now I am going to get the the Gilligan’s Island theme song stuck in my head. That’s a better song than most of the songs in this contest, though.

  • Óðinn
    • CyberneticOrganism

      Chinstrap beards 4 lyfe brah

  • Rick Chard

    As bad as that Shitty Machine Head song is, at least it’s somewhat expected coming from a twat like Robb Flynn. Radikult though…………

  • Shakes 999

    I’m sorry but the Obituary and Issues tracks are some of the worst things I’ve ever heard. Despite how much I hate HellYeah I just cannot vote against Obituary. That is fucking terrible.

    And what the fuck am I supposed to do with the Machine Head/Morbid Angel match up? I can’t decide this shit. MH is hot garbage but Radikult barely even qualifies as music.

    Fuck everybody.

  • krisdaschwab912

    Issues vs FFDP? Jumpdafuckup vs Design The Skyline? Yikes. This tourney will literally kill people.