The Worst Album Art Of 2016

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2016 was a screaming enema of a year. Let’s finish it off with one final dump.

This has been a pretty terrible year on many fronts. Some are hopeful that 2017 is going to be better. Oh, how I wish I could be that naive. It’s only going to get worse. Invest in tents now, everyone! Before you run out to the sporting goods store to stock up your Doomsday bunker with dehydrated stew, tons of ammo for your many, many, many guns, and a big bucket to use as a toilet, let’s cleanse ourselves of this year by looking at some of the worst art for metal albums released in 2016.

“Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuhhhhhhhh!”


 

You have to roll a 10 or higher in order to listen to this album. Death to the goblins!


 

I don’t know what’s happening, but there’s something very wrong with naming your album “Candyland” and having a child on the cover. Oh, and a sexy vampire lady with incredible high heel boots. This looks like a scene from a movie put out by The Asylum.


Other than the Parental Advisory sticker, nothing about this makes sense. NOTHING.


 

nightmare

Giant orange in the sky? Check. Giant orange in the sky getting hit by lightning? Check. Girl on swing? Check. Girl on swing which is hanging from nothing? Check. Sparking rocks in the ground? Check. Cowering in the corner because this hurts my brain. You better believe that’s a check.


I want to his this album with a rolled-up newspaper. The name, the font on the album title, the bad photoshop. All of it needs a bop on the nose.


Naked Albino Lesbian Vampires From Hell is totally going to win an AVN award this year.


Someone saw “Back To The Future” and “Cool World” as a child and they never recovered.


IBS can strike at any time. Even in your computerized, poor perspective album art. Also, you’ve got a skull on your shoe. Might want to wipe it off. It’s kind of embarassing.


metallicahardwiredcd

Who’s a Crowbar? What’s a Crowbar?


 

This is some serious LiveJournal stuff. Someone should use this as their AIM away message.


 

Tetris can strike at any time.


No. No no no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!


Throw this album art on a body pillow, sell it to funny-smelling weirdos on the internet, and live like a king.


The exclamation point let’s you know that you should stay away. The exclamation point in the album’s name let’s you know that no matter what mistakes you’ve made in life, things aren’t that bad.


 

destrage

The band can always replace their name on the album with Blind Melon’s and sell it to suburban hippis.


battlecreek

Come on. Come the fuck on. Don’t sit there and tell me that Jamie Kennedy is still getting work.


fallen-legion-infinite-archives

*Shakes head in utter disappointment*


devil-to-pay-a-bend-through-space-and-time

How did the conversation for this album art go?

“No, I want BIGGER alien titties! Bigger hips too! More arms! Just like the one that haunts me every time I close my eyes!”


halen-nackskott

Van Halen is going off in a strange, new direction


This gave me the heebie jeebies, the dry heaves, and the douche chills.


dreamshade

Who wants spaghetti?


*Jonathan Davis gorilla sounds*

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  • Joaquin Stick

    Great collection here 365! That Painted in Exile album was such a tease, they released a single that kinda reminded me of The Human Abstract, so I was a excited, but the rest of the album was totally different and mostly a bore. Goddamn Tetris.

    Also “Destiny Wore a Bondage Mask” just sounds like some backstage banter at a strip club.

  • Eliza
    • Joaquin Stick

      Why is that hot dog so bumpy?

      • Eliza

        I won’t even attempt to try to explain.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Ketchup.

        • Joaquin Stick

          From Chicago. Does not compute.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa
          • KyleJMcBride

            Mustard, preferably brown.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Yes.

            I like all different varieties. Chicago, NY, Texas, etc. All hot dogs are welcome.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Happening nearby on the same beach

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vHRMeRszw4

          • KyleJMcBride

            Is ketchup on Hot Dogs a thing anywhere in the world? It sure isn’t in Boston/NYC.

          • Joaquin Stick

            Good question. I think every city likes to be elitist about it, but I just heard it all the time in that area.

          • KyleJMcBride

            Don’t even get me started on “pizza”.

          • RustyShackleford

            If you don’t get kraut on a Nathans hot dog in NYC I DON’T WANT TO EVEN KNOW YOU

          • KyleJMcBride

            I only eat Nathan’s no matter what. Any other dog tastes like baloney to me, no kraut though.

          • RustyShackleford

            Where I live now, the local hot dog place (which is actually pretty good), has this dog called a CONEY. Since I’m from NYC I was all “hell yeah.” Turns out it’s not related to a Coney Island dog at all, it’s a spicy white hot dog. Pretty great when slathered with sloppy joe and onions but has no relation to the legit Coney whatsoever.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Yes plz..

          • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

            I don’t like Sauerkraut.

          • RustyShackleford

            Quit trying to rile me up dammit!

          • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

            I do love hot dogs though. Relish>>>>>>>

          • Eliza

            The hot dog stands I’ve seen let you choose between mustard, mayonnaise and ketchup.

          • KyleJMcBride

            Mayo?!!! UGH! That’s even worse than ketchup on a hot dog. Brown mustard only, please.

          • Joaquin Stick

            Chicago is EVERYTHING but ketchup: relish, onion, mustard, tomatos, pickle, hot peppers, celery salt, LOAD THAT FUCKER UP!

          • KyleJMcBride

            That’s overkill imo, but it’s proper overkill.

          • Making me hungry Joaquin… they truly have perfected the hot dog recipe

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Yes plz.

          • Eliza

            I dislike the taste of it too, but there are some people who really like it. There are some people who mix all of the sauces too.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Same here. I absolutely detest mayo

          • Eliza

            The taste is gross.

          • KyleJMcBride

            I love tuna sammiches on scali bread with mayo.

          • GoatForest

            What? Mayo, ketchup, and brown mustard, baby! We desegregate our condiments.

          • KyleJMcBride

            Mayo and mustard can go together on certain things, but never mustard and ketchup. Mayo and ketchup on burgers only.

          • RustyShackleford

            A lot of places in Europe that I visited (Amsterdam in particular) had curry at all their hot dog stands. Was delicious.

          • Eliza

            I’ve only had curry once in my entire life, but I remember liking it fine. I’m sure it works with hot dogs.

          • KyleJMcBride

            I like Indian and Thai curry, but I can’t picture it going well with hot dogs.

          • Eliza

            If the spiciness is toned down it could turn out decent.

          • Al Bundy

            I’d give it a go. Once you’ve eaten a Chicken Balti pie, nothing is off limits.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Its more of a sweet curry sauce, not spicy.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Iceland puts a sweet brown mustard on theirs. It’s amazing.

          • RustyShackleford

            Everything in Iceland is amazing. Spent five days there and literally everything is great.

          • CyberneticOrganism
          • Butts4Gutts

            Except how much everything fucking costs.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Sweet brown mustard>>>>>>>>>

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Currywurst>>>>>>>>>

          • This man knows where it’s at.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            It was in Germany.

            😉

          • Thought so! Can’t remember where, a few months ago, I read an article about currywurst, but it caught my fancy. Think it was the BBC.

          • GoatForest

            It is here in Louisiana, but we’re hot dog heathens. Boudan is better anyway. And it needs no condiments.

          • KyleJMcBride

            If I’m going down there, dogs and pizza are the last kind of food I’m thinking about. I’ll take gumbo that you can’t tell from “Alien” blood.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Gumbo>>>>>>>>>>>

          • GoatForest

            Get some shrimp etufee.

          • KyleJMcBride

            Totally.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Boudan>>>>>>>>>

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      That looks suspiciously like the best album art.

      • Eliza

        Maybe it is. It depends on your perspective.

    • “Choken” will now enter my daily lexicon.

    • Howard Dean
  • tigeraid

    365 that sounds an awful lot like you’re BODY-SHAMING that voluptuous alien.

    • I would never besmirch our sexy space overlords.

    • Eliza

      All aliens are equally pretty.

  • AeonsOvChaos
    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      I would listen to the singing postman.

      • AeonsOvChaos

        Wise choice mate, could be awesome!

      • KyleJMcBride

        Handsome Beasts might have some sick stoner riffs, probably not though.

        • Al Bundy

          Dude your not totally wrong. The album is pretty much 70’s style hard rock, but this tune could be covered by Electric Wizard and it would be hailed as a masterpiece
          https://youtu.be/iYbbGJa5L6g

          • KyleJMcBride

            Wow. This is actually decent.

          • Al Bundy

            I know right! The whole album is very cool but this song is the stand out moment. The solo slays.

          • KyleJMcBride

            This is seriously right up my alley, solid 1970s style Hard Rock. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of today’s Stoner Doom bands knew about these guys.

          • Eliza

            This is a lot tamer that what the album led me to believe it would be.

          • Al Bundy

            I can see what you mean. You usually see a fat guy and a pig and your mind automatically thinks Porno Grind or some such.

          • Eliza

            I imagined it’d be a little bit more silly, but it’s fine the way it is.

          • KyleJMcBride

            I’m an old geezer so I think seriously bass heavy blues rock when I see that.

          • KyleJMcBride

            It’s almost exactly what I pictured this sounding like.

          • Eliza

            The font in which the title of the album and the band name are written gives it away.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Into The Catacomb Abyss is not a bad album cover!!!

    • RustyShackleford

      It’s actually a super well shot photograph but that dude (or kid??) looks hilarious

    • -Mortiis

      • Al Bundy

        Ha! The Stargate never fails to crack me up.

        • CyberneticOrganism
          • “All flights in and out of Albuquerque have been grounded do to bat-man-witch activity.”

            “Somebody radio Mortiis and tell him to get the fuck out of our airspace.”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            UPDATE: Mortiis Albequerque Show Canceled

          • “Mortiis is okay but we had to destroy his wings, and several of his Casio synthesizers were fucked up in the process; he is fully capable of performing an all-acoustic set but fully incapable of performing without his man-bat-witch wings. So we’ll refund your ticket, Leonard.”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Police: Norwegian Musician Found Wandering Albuquerque Streets In Search Of Discount Halloween Store

          • —————–>void

    • Black Unbeard

      my question is do you have to roll a natural 10 or are we including feats and buffs?

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I appreciated the Chemistry X, The Ordeal, (inexplicable squirrels), Devil To Pay and Dreamshade. Otherwise there were a lot of bad decisions and a lot of bad executions here.

    A personal pick from this year would be Blood Incantation’s Starspawn. Interesting image, crap reproduction and awkwardly slapped logo and title. Amateurish looking but not in a good way.

    • Joaquin Stick

      Yeah that BI album art was part of what kept me away until it just kept showing up on EOTY lists, then I figured I had to actually try more than a few seconds.

    • I firmly hold onto the idea that Blood Incantation is in on the joke (kinda trollish behavior). Especially after reading some of their posts.

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        I can dig a bit of shenanigans, but I think a cheesy/awesome/terrible painting or drawing would have been a better choice for a joke. As is just seems a bit mean, like “hey, you can listen to our awesome music but you gotta look at this crappy thing too”.

  • Black Unbeard

    i like the one with the squirrels

    • Eliza

      Well, the squirrels are cute.

    • GoatForest

      I would pick it up.

    • Shakes 999

      I did too. Inter-dimensional squirrels!

  • RustyShackleford

    Is the Korn cover THAT bad or do we just hate Korn THAT much?! I literally can’t decide. It is quite possible it is that bad. Also I literally had to do a google search because that Chemistry X album cover looks like it’s from 20 years ago. Also also there were some boobs and butts but not as many boobs and butts as I anticipated. All in all good list. YEP!!!

    • KyleJMcBride

      It’s pretty bad, and I actually like Korn’s 1st 2-3 albums(don’t really listen to them now much). I’ve even seen them twice.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        I like their album Issues, mostly because they somewhat distanced themselves from nu-metal cliches. On the other hand, Follow The Leader has aged horribly

        • Shakes 999

          I hated Follow The Leader when it came out and I loved their first 2 albums. They were already losing the thread at that point.

    • I think it’s bad. But that’s because the band seems to be embracing their image that only disenfranchised teens like their music. Which isn’t completely false, but which adult musicians want that audience??

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        I guess it’s marketing, trying to attract more wannabe edgy preteens. Considering most of the adults on their fan base have either moved on or will stick with them no matter what they put out

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Korn is only a dollop of facepaint away from being ICP

      • Black Unbeard

        are you sure ICP isnt one shower ? away from being Korn?

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Good point. It’s a Superman/Clark Kent thing, except the phone booth is a meth lab.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • CyberneticOrganism
    • Ayreonaut

      Master of buttz

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    I like how Naked Albino Lesbian Vampires From Hell is thrice as big as the other covers.
    Also “Destiny Wore A Bondage MAsk” Hahahahahahahahaha

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      “Vol. Threesome” No.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Jeesh, this Peter Tikos dude who done did that Battleupshitcreek cover seems to be under contract to only do equally bad art.

    • EsusMoose

      When you really want to emphasize the naked albino lesbian vampires who are from hell

      • CyberneticOrganism

        nakedalbinolesbianvampireswhoarefromhell.biz

  • Count_Breznak
    • Howard Dean

      I agree on the cover being shit, but I’m really digging the album. This one has really grown on me since I’ve had it.

      The preview tracks released here and there didn’t do Hero justice. After blasting the entire album front-to-back, I enjoyed it much more. Yeah, the clean vocals are kind of annoying, but honestly I can get past shitty/annoying vocals when the music is good (most notable example: Manilla Road). There aren’t as many direct, straight up bangers akin to a Wolfshook, Steppes, C.M.E., or Roman Acupuncture, but there are many quality tracks that just sound absolutely massive. The Archer, Phosphor, Spiritual Athleticism, and Chlorophyllia are all really good tracks.

      Not as good as the hype mountain that had been built up for it, but not nearly as bad as most people are saying.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        I listened to a ton of it, must’ve spun it 30 times before giving it up. It’s not bad – but there’s a lot of idleness, both, within the context of a song and on the album as an average. It has it’s moments, and potential but remains a mediocre record.
        EDIT: Strangely enough, I don’t really consider myself disappointed by it.

        • Howard Dean

          I think it’s similar to their EPs–one or two bangers to every stretched out/”idle” atmospheric track. But in the context of a full length, that formula can get a bit tiresome. That’s why I wasn’t disappointed with it either, as I figured it would be nearly impossible for them to capture the same magic they had in their demo and EPs and spread it out over a full length. Their style is much more suited to shorter releases, I think.

          That being said, I think it’s better than mediocre/average by a margin. It’s not the stone cold classic people were hoping for, but it’s still a damn good death metal album at its core.

  • I have laughed all of the laughs and shall laugh no more. I feel like saying more but a bad picture is worth a thousand expletives.

  • Megan Alexandra

    Holy fuuuuuck get me (and my tent) off this earth immediately

  • I dig Bajorpresión’s cover. Super goofy.

  • EsusMoose

    For once I shall not defend Destrage, I like the art as it fit the production to me, but the art seems like it’d be on some hipster coffee shop wall for $200

  • KyleJMcBride

    Did somebody say “albino vampire lesbians”?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQQpJLuifNQ

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    Theatres Des Vampires is such a terrible band

  • Kyle Reese

    DevilDriver – Trust No One

    • Shakes 999

      Oh christ no kidding. The original concept art was somehow 10xs better than whatever the fuck they ended up with.

    • Howard Dean

      He’s playing her like a flesh cello while she fellates him.

      Would Buy/10.

  • Shakes 999

    ……. I liked the squirrel one.

  • Butts4Gutts

    That Devil To Pay album art is top notch. Don’t give a fuck.

  • Pierre Generic

    Man, that ol’ Twister album cover will look awesome airbrushed on the side of my windowless van, I tell you whut.

  • Max

    I think Wintercold takes out another category for cliched band-name, too.

  • AeonsOvChaos

    May the darkness be with you, embrace it or die, bye fellas, I will wait 2017:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Teb8KoyxQdc