The Top Ten Metal Mascots: The Definitive Ranking

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We metalheads are a peculiar breed. As much as we love maligning Buzzfeed and other basic things that normies enjoy, we sure do love our totally objective lists ranking different aspects of our cherished genre. We flock to lists like soccer moms to one-day Target sales, and if we disagree with a list, no level of base reprisal is beneath us. Poser accusations, IRL trolling, and death threats are just par for the course when it comes to dealing with someone else’s taste. However, in the spirit of uniting us all under the banner of metal, I think I’ve concocted one list on which we can all agree. This is the best and most perfect list, and you’re probably some lame Dave Matthews Band fan if your list doesn’t align with mine. Behold, the definitive ranking of the ten greatest heavy metal mascots.


10. The Table – Sure, most tables are made of wood. However, after James Hetfield, crooner for garage band Metallica, declared, “I am the table!”, President Barack Obama signed an Executive Order that all tables must henceforth be made of metal. Just like that, tables became the most ubiquitous mascot for our beloved franchise, reminding metalheads all over the world that we are all united in our need for raised flat surfaces.

  • Greatest Strength: Four sturdy legs.
  • Greatest Weakness: Lack of drawers for storage.
  • Shining Moment: Dinner time at the ToH Bed and Breakfast.

9. Vic Rattlehead – Rattlehead is the ossified mascot of Megadeth. He’s changed his look a few times over the years for different periods of ‘Deth’s career, but he has always embodied the old adage of “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil”, which is kind of weird because I’m certain he’s heard Risk and Super Collider. Vic would be higher on this list if he had a better gig.


8. Chaly – Chaly is a horned skull with wings. He can do super cool stuff like firing lasers from his eyes and electrocuting stuff with his wings. He’s typically found in New Jersey hanging out with Overkill, but fans have more recently spotted him on the back of lifted trucks just above the chrome truck nutz.

  • Greatest Strength: Managing to stay relevant despite being overshadowed by his Hot Topic-employed nephew.
  • Greatest Weakness: Due to the Jersey Shore pronunciation of his name, it’s impossible to talk about him without sounding like a douche.
  • Shining Moment: Being so menacing that some silly humans built a temple shaped like him out in the jungles of Cambodia.

7. Hector – Hector is a level 70 elite paladin who has been battling alongside Hammerfall for much of the band’s storied career. He is the wielder of the sacred hammer that guides the templars to fight for love, justice, and friendship. But test not his patience, for he will surely smite the untrue with the fury of a thousand thunderclouds.

  • Greatest Strength: Absurdly high STR, DEX, CON, and CHA starting stats.
  • Greatest Weakness: An aura of virtue so potent that it repels all members of the fairer sex.
  • Shining Moment: Being drawn by none other than SAMWISE DIDIER, the most famous of all Hobbits and artist for the fabled Warcraft franchise.

6. Abbath Doom Occulta – Fenriz is pretty cool, I guess, but whenever I think second-wave black metal (the only true genre of music), the only logical choice for mascot is Abbath. His guitar and drum skills are surpassed only by his ability to look fabulous in corpse paint. You know him, and you love all of his work.

  • Greatest Strength: Giving zero craps about anything, thereby embodying the feel-good hedonism for which black metal is so widely known.
  • Greatest Weakness: Lack of chest hair
  • Shining Moment: Starring alongside Leo (yes, that Leo) in Titanic.

 

5. Eddie the Head – Eddie the ‘Ed, as his dear mum calls him, is this super cool zombie guy who has been touring with Iron Maiden since before even Bruce Dickinson joined the group. WOW! He’s also a shape-shifter and therefore probably a lizard zombie-person, having appeared throughout time as a cyborg, pharaoh, and alien monster. You just never know where Eddie is going to pop up next!

  • Greatest Strength: Can shape-shift to blend into any time and place.
  • Greatest Weakness: British.
  • Shining Moment: Being born as the Seventh Son of the Seventh Son, granting him his magic lizard shape-shifting powers.

4. Set Abominae – Set Abominae is basically the American version of Eddie the Head. Like his old-world counterpart, he can travel through time, shape-shift, and is generally believed to be immortal. He’s also part of a race called the Setians that predated humans here on Earth. Despite basically being a scary Antichrist, he’s also humble enough to hang out with a bunch of dragon-banging nerds. How thoughtful!

  • Greatest Strength: Not British.
  • Greatest Weakness: An army primarily composed of weeaboos that isn’t particularly menacing.
  • Shining Moment: Assassinating JFK.

3. Corpsegrinder’s Neck – No one really knows where it comes from or where it starts and ends, but George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher’s Neck has been a staple of the death metal community for years now. A pillar, some might say. Sturdy as a tree trunk and supple as a sailor’s fingers, Corpsegrinder’s Neck has led Cannibal Corpse into what might be considered the most consistent period of their career, earning them critical acclaim and commercial success. It is solely because of Corpsegrinder’s Neck that Cannibal Corpse is the biggest band in death metal. When you think of brutal music, you surely think of Corpsegrinder’s gyrating chin muscle.

  • Greatest Strength: Writing Kill despite an apparent lack of attached appendages.
  • Greatest Weakness: Chris Barnes’ Dreadlocks.
  • Shining Moment: Few people realize it, but Corpsegrinder’s Neck is actually the inspiration for the world tree Yggdrasil in Norse Mythology.

2. Snaggletooth B. Motorhead – Snaggletooth is the plucky mascot that has led Motorhead to rockstar glory for nearly four decades. That’s some staying power! The key to Snaggletooth’s awesomeness is that he’s like a war pig dinosaur who gets drunk on bourbon and comes home soused and violent and you hide in your room cuz you’re scared he’s gonna get the belt and oh god he’s yelling about the dishes again i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry…

  • Greatest Strength: You can always count on him to bring the booze to the party. Will ensure no on leaves alone.
  • Greatest Weakness: British.
  • Shining Moment: Beating Baphomet in an arm-wrestling competition, thereby guaranteeing Lemmy’s continued ability to cheat death for the past decade.

Are you ready?

Brace yourself.

The number one heavy metal mascot in the entire world is coming up next.

You don’t look ready.

You’re not even wearing pants.

Go put pants on first.

Then you can see Number 1.

I’ll wait.

__________

__________

__________

Oh lord, why did you choose those pants?

Yellow? Really?

Who do you think you are, Dr. Rockzo?

Man, I can totally see the outline of your junk.

Ugh, fine. I guess you held up your end of the deal.

Okay, here it comes.

You know what, why don’t you take a seat first.

No, not there. On the sofa.

I want you to be comfortable.

Okay, let’s do this.

__________

__________

__________

__________

__________

__________

__________

1. Dave Grohl – There is no greater icon, no more inspiring tale, no more powerful deity in all of heavy metal history than Dave Grohl. Dave Grohl taught the Acclaimed Metal Vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven the secret to becoming the Most Powerful Wizard. Dave Grohl taught Abbath how to play guitar and drums. Snaggletooth and Eddie were literally created after Dave Grohl pulled them out of the Queen’s dreams with his own beautiful hands. Dave Grohl built the first table and sent Kurt Cobain to heaven prematurely because he had accomplished all that could be done with the guitar. Dave Grohl is the only champion fighting for true rock today. He is the voice of this generation and every other. The only reason they don’t give him a Grammy for “Best Metal Performance” every single year is because he, in his generosity and humility, has asked that other contestants be acknowledged every now and then. Dave Grohl is the end all, be all of metal. The alpha and the omega of brutality. Hail him.

  • Greatest Strength: Chanting his name cures sterility.
  • Greatest Weakness: Once lost a rock-off to Jack Black
  • Shining Moment: Coming down to our mortal plane and giving us blues, rock, and heavy metal.

Okay, now’s the time to share your identical list in the comments!

(Photo VIAVIAVIA, VIA, VIAVIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA)

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  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Derp on Grohl.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Precisely.

    • Vote for Jeb

      Don’t you know, he’s the best the metal world has to offer. THE BEST.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Oh yeah. That Probot project was fucking earth shattering and cunting groundbreaking!

        • Wow. I completely forgot about that.

          • Vote for Jeb

            I don’t think I’ve ever even heard it, actually.

          • It was one of those collaboration projects with a bunch of well know metal artists.

            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Probot

          • well since everyone’s being mean to Mr. Grohl today, here’s a gud song:
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Siph3MiLF04

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            For good reasons. It was just dumb.

          • Well, I can’t even recall any of the songs so I’m just going to keep on forgetting. Check this out if you want to, been spinning it here for the past couple of days.

            https://catervaruna.bandcamp.com/album/europa-nostra

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Oh shit this is killer. Love the artwork!

          • Oh yeah, that artwork is cold.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            but…but… I AM THE WARLOCK!

          • Dagon

            Honestly, this was the best song in the album.

            I’m going to fuck your life up
            I’m going to cross your soul
            Two demons stand beside me
            And now I’m taking control

            Good riff too.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            And Jables. Let us not forget, the man who defeated our Lord and Saviour in a rock-off, Teh Jables.

          • Dagon

            When I was a 12 year old long haired fat kid, I looked a lot like young Jables. I was also hungry for the rock. Still haven’t unlocked the ancient doors though.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            (Always wears a hat and round-glasses to hide similarities to the aforementioned beast of revelation)
            I guess long haired fat kids who are also bound to become metalheads have no choice but to look like the aforementioned beast of revelation.

          • Dagon

            Did you get some Ozzy comments too? I used to get them a bit.

            When I cut it short, I suddenly became Rivers Cuomo/Ben Gibbard hybrid to EVERYBODY.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            I never did cut my hair.
            And I don’t recall any Ozzy comments, that would have been too sophisticated for my mates then. I mean, he wasn’t in a movie about poop.

          • Dagon

            I recall that movie. That’s one where they sprayed it and it went away, right?

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Envy, I think it was called. Never seen it (in full).

  • KJM, Doom Hunter General

    There’s also 1 chance in 10,000 that I saw Dave Grohl as the drummer for Ghost(if the rumors are true). Eddie #1!

  • KJM, Doom Hunter General

    He doesn’t have thyroid neck, but my “green grocer” looks almost exactly like Corpsegrinder.

  • This list is false and the author is a poser.

    Abbath’s greatest strength is his crab walk

    http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/2075675/abbath-crab-walk-o.gif

  • Gary the Dairy Fairy

    Fun fact: I actually wasn’t wearing any pants while reading this.

  • Scrimm

    I hate you.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Out-Mastering the Lord, are we?

  • Vote for Jeb

    Hey, this is my 200th post. Thanks for putting up with my shenanigans, bros.

  • Guacamole Jim

    This list was, without a doubt THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST 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  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Dave Grohl scheduled to replace Lincoln and Washington on Mt Rushmore.

    #Grohlfacts

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Brohl facts.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      *smiles and laughs onstage*
      *becomes subject of millions of articles the next day about how cool and fun he is*

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Yeah, that dude needs to go away for like 5 years.

        • Vote for Jeb

          Totally serious, I’d be okay with that. He’s basically a lewronggeneration defener.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            And honestly the Foo Fighters are popular because of the void that is mainstream rock. You can also apply that to Green Day.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            *Dave Grohl exists*
            *is worshiped as Christ figure*

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I want to belong to the Grohl Cult, but I know I’m just not cool enough.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I used to belong to the Grohlk Cult; it was a guy in the neighboring town who proclaimed to be an Orc from Jupiter. It was fun.

          • Vote for Jeb

            This is probably going to be an under-appreciated joke, but thank you.

          • Join all the cool guys, gals, and dad’s.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JozAmXo2bDE

          • Who is watching all of those Dad’s children.

          • Dave Grohl.

          • In a way, he is everyone’s Dad.

          • Are you saying Dave Grohl fucked my mom?

          • In a way, he fucked everyone’s Mom.

          • Vote for Jeb

            In a way, yes.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            What, he’s a Time Lord now too?

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Fucking terrible.

  • CyberneticOrganism
  • Dave Grohl is also number one because he backs the drumming skills of Nick from Baptists.

    • Dagon

      He also played drums on Songs For The Deaf. His place in heaven is guaranteed.

      • He fuckin killed on that album. Praise Lord Grohl!

        • Dagon

          Hail thy mighty
          Death to the infidels and Grohlnaysayers
          They do not know how wrong is their way

  • Vote for Jeb

    Hey, Rattlehead just released his new disguise.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CQUXmXbW8AEB_hy.jpg

    • Star Wars called, they want their Stormtrooper back.

      • Vote for Jeb

        No anime.

    • I like how Megadeth is appealing to the new Star Wars mixed with the Carlos Duty: Modern Warfare generation with this art 😀

    • If that didn’t say “Megadeth” at the very top, I would never, ever listen to this album.

    • Lacertilian

      Call Of Duty: Megakek

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Still a band, huh? I stopped at Rust in Peace.

      • Guppusmaximus

        You can’t beat the engineering,quality of instrument tone, line-up and material on that album. IMHO, it’s the quintessential Thrash album of the 90s

        • Vote for Jeb

          Tornado of Souls features one of my absolute favorite solos.

          • Guppusmaximus

            That is the best song off the album, to me, AND they didn’t play it when I saw them at the Centrum on that tour. I was fricken pissed!!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cxlpFSCUYc

          • Vote for Jeb

            That sucks, man. I caught them when they were doing the anniversary tout for this album, and they killed it. Interestingly enough, I though Testament stole the show, though.

          • Guppusmaximus

            On the original tour w/ Souls of Black? Or, did they play the Anniversary? At the time, I was a hardcore “The New Order” fan and couldn’t stand Souls. Now, I don’t mind it so much. That night Judas Priest slayed them all. Painkiller live….no words:)

          • Vote for Jeb

            Oh, this was the 20th anniversary tour back in 2010.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Ahha… yea, I couldn’t imagine Megadeth competing w/ Testament in 2010.

          • Scrimm

            I saw that when they coheadlined with Slayer, had vip tickets that let us walk up a red carpet past the line of plebs waiting to get in. Took a private elevater to the secodn floor where we had a boot with just a couple other people, and a bartender who came to up. Ended up with some girl hanging all over me and buying me drinks. All in all a pretty good night, except for not being a huge fan of either band. Hell, even saw a fistfight outside the aforementioned elevator.

          • Vote for Jeb

            That sounds wild.

          • Scrimm

            It was a fun night all around. Aside from me not realizing Slayer was playing Seasons in it’s entirety and going for a smoke break outside during, missing my favorite song(of the few I even like)

          • Vote for Jeb

            Seasons or Skeletons?

          • Guppusmaximus

            That’s because Friedman was a beast. His current material, to me, doesn’t have that same zest or emotion…

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          I do agree but I will always say Darkness Descends. That album’s not mentioned enough.

          • Vote for Jeb

            You have made me a happy woman in this moment.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            That album rips so hard.

          • That album could have used more speed and notes 😉

          • Could have had some more riffs too

          • Good point. What a bunch of lazy jerks.

          • They didn’t even have 246 riffs on it. PSHT.

          • If Dave Grohl was on that album it would have been better.

          • seriously though, I prefer Leave Scars slightly to Darkness Descends

          • Vote for Jeb

            Fun fact: his mustache actually played drums on that album.

          • His mustache’s name is Gene.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Also known as the Atomic Clock.

          • I’d like one mustache ride please and thank you.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Well, I did say the 90s… I’d never blaspheme such a pivotal band without performing my due diligence (wikipedia discography section) first.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Fuck, you did say ’90s. My mistake.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Don’t feel bad… I remember when Megadeth tried to persuade everyone that they were the fastest ‘Speed Metal’ band because of ‘Rust’ and I was like sorry, but, Atrophy beat you to the punch in ’88 {not certain if this was relevant}

  • Boss the Ross

    Come on! Where is the Manowarrior?

    • Boss the Ross

      Or Sergeant D for that matter?

      • I think bands need more than two albums to qualify for greatest mascot.

        • Boss the Ross

          But there is so much attitude with Sergeant D. He is crossover.

        • Guppusmaximus

          Personally, I think it only comes down to what kind of impact the Mascot had on Metal regardless of how many albums. However, I do agree that Sgt. D didn’t really have any kind of lasting power…
          Edit: I think the NOT-man should be added to this list

          https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/8a/73/98/8a7398d261e4d4f5e371c3b61b7c4c5c.jpg

          • Boss the Ross

            Okay, NOT Man, if i can’t get my Sergeant D

      • ;_;) that album title always makes me cry

        • KJM, Doom Hunter General

          As much as I love S.O.D., I found most of the lyrics cringeworthy even way back when I was in High School.

          • Boss the Ross

            Isn’t that the point though?

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Sorta, but I still enjoy listening to ‘Freddy Kreuger’ though.

          • Boss the Ross

            He comes for you! What will you do?

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            He’ll cut you, and rip you, and slice you in two!

    • Vote for Jeb

      I’ll do my Hail and Kills as penance.

      • Boss the Ross

        Like a true immortal!

    • I thought Ross the Boss was the mascot of Machowar!

      • Boss the Ross

        Haha, touche my metal brother!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Hanging out with other oily shirtless dudes, firmly gripping his dripping, extended blade. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

        • Guacamole Jim

          “He is notable for his muscular physique, his sexually provocative movements during his performances and for his tendency to perform shirtless, with his skin oiled and with his hair in a ponytail.”

          – Wikipedia

        • Guppusmaximus

          Was that a wife-beater onesey @ 0:22? lol

      • Based Pingu

        There definitely is something wrong with that, dude. They might cut themselves with the sword if they aren’t careful! I hope they’re wearing protection.

      • Vote for Jeb
        • Well, Lance, you’re clearly gay.

          • Vote for Jeb

            “I wanna take a bite outta yo butt.”

        • Phoenix of the House Tendies

          “If there’s a lady out there who is rich and you wanna get boned, meet me behind the hot dog stand.”

      • you can’t slay any posers if you don’t keep a firm grip on your steel

        • Guppusmaximus

          It’s easy to slay posers who, in awe, are firmly gripping their wood.

  • Guppusmaximus

    Dave Grohl?! I thought this was a Top 10 list of Mascots? I’m not certain how you’d design a mascot to encapsulate the downfall of Rock’N’Roll…

    • Vote for Jeb

      Obviously you never saw his Grammy acceptance speech. It. Changed. Everything.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooo0Rhu7y3g

      • Guppusmaximus

        Can’t tell if trolling…that seems to be an NME award.

        • Vote for Jeb

          What if I told you I’ve been trolling you from the moment I wrote the word “Tables”?

          • one of those metal mascots shocked me
            *one billion ads show up*

          • Guppusmaximus

            I’d say…that you are a lot more clever than any other Bush in the history of Bush’s. OR, that I’m just stupid (and sad inside) lol

          • Vote for Jeb

            Eh, the guys who make the baked beans are pretty clever.

          • No way, man. His dog kept fucking him over.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Dogs are usually more clever than a Bush…*Ba-Dum-Boom-Tiss*

        • You’ve been Grohl Rolled. Just be thankful he didn’t Rick Roll you.
          http://youtu.be/BD-fWMYcHXk

      • >tfw watching a godlike genius speech of Déif Gruówl.

  • i wonder how @DeeSnarl:disqus feels about Dave Grohl

  • Stockhausen

    I’m so happy right now. The persistent pain of existence has been beautifully softened for 10 minutes.

  • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

    Remember that time Grohl secretly re-recorded all the drum parts to an album and didn’t tell the drummer? That’s shady shit.

    …………………………Play these three songs together at once.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-LIPFgMcVA

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-LIPFgMcVA

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-LIPFgMcVA

    • CT-12

      Yeah, I was watching a documentary on them and he sort of just gracefully puts that info out there, but that’s a pretty fucking shitty thing to do to someone.

  • Rho Stone

    missing: Axl Rosenberg’s anime body pillow

    • Vote for Jeb

      That comes in at a soft 11.

      • DCLXVI

        I would think that it would be quite rigid from all that stork starch

  • Waynecro

    Great article! You get 5 cool points for using the word ossified, and 20 cool points for those British jokes. In other news, my Realtor is in a Foo Fighters cover band.

    • Vote for Jeb

      You are a blessed man.

  • Max

    Eddie just doesn’t look the same not drawn by Derek Riggs.

    • Vote for Jeb

      I had one of the older images, but the pixel count was too low.